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19 year old daughter moved out.... - 9/4/2008 12:12:16 AM
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sadnheartbroken
Posts: 1
Joined: 9/3/2008
Status: offline
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I don't know what to do with myself! My daughter was always so obedient and we were more like best friends than anything. I became a single mother when she was 10 and so I was all she had. Within the last year she has grown more independent and I was ok with that, but then she started hanging out with this group of friends (mostly guys) and she was staying out til all hours of the night. I talked to her about how late she stayed out and I thought we came to an agreement of what time to be home but it appears I just made her resent me. She would do good for awhile and then back to her old habits. Then, she started staying out all night. Sometimes she would tell me, sometimes not. We started having arguments. Then the straw that broke the camels back was she didn't come home for almost a week. Most of that week, she never told me she wasn't coming home. Then, one night we were having a nice conversation and I was hopeful she was gonna come home, I asked her what time she was coming home and she didn't know. So, I asked her if she was coming home and she said yes. Then I got up the next morning and she wasn't home. I was scared and angry all at the same time! I didn't know what had happened to her then I got angry because I figured here we go again! Why does she not want to be home. The bad part, is she is staying at the guys house (all live with their parents) but I don't think that is wise to be out all hours with guys and staying all night at their house! So, I sent her a text message and told her I couldn't take this emotional roller coaster and that if she couldn't follow the rules, to move out. So, she did. Our relationship has basically been destroyed. She won't come to church anymore although she is trying different churches. This all hurts. So many hurtful things have been said even though we both have told each other we love each other more than anything! I can't stop crying! Help! Am I wrong? She said she isn't doing anything BAD but I think the appearance of living at her boyfriends house isn't good. I don't know if I over reacted or if I'm dead wrong or if I was right and what I can do now the fix our relationship without condoning her behavior!!!!!!! I'm so confused and heartbroken over all this!
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RE: 19 year old daughter moved out.... - 9/4/2008 1:19:35 AM
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locomom
Posts: 91
Joined: 4/15/2005
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I have a 20 yo now, so we've just been through the age your daughter is.
The answer of why she doesn't want to be home is fairly easy. She is now 19 yo and a legal adult. That means that she is no longer legally accountable to you. If she doesn't want to come home, no one can make her. In fact, you can't make her do anything and now she knows it. The new level of freedoms she has is a heady feeling at her age, and she will not have the same point of view that you do. Judging by her behavior, she felt she had too many restrictions placed on her. By "agreeing" on when she was to be home at night, you essentially had the same standard for her as when she was a minor which is a curfew. So she of course resented it. Regardless of the details, the feeling we generally got from our daughter is that home was stifling and we were too strict. (This is when she was away at college - she resented from afar!) We felt she understood freedom to mean I can do what I want when I want. Their understanding of freedom is immature. Think back to when you were 19 yo and becoming independent.
At young adult ages you have a lot of mistakes left to make. Hers was in not understanding how worried you would be by not knowing when she would be back and not keeping her word. From what we saw in the last couple of years, parents generally annoyed young adults. Keep in mind a lot of what she is doing is based on her own judgment which is vastly different from your own. A good portion is not personal except that you are of the species "parentus annoyingus".
On the good side, your relationship is probably not totally destroyed. You can rebuild, but give both of you time to cool off. You have to think about what you really want to see her do as a young adult. You can still be involved in major decisions in her life. What she really needs to know is that you are totally on her side in her gaining independence.
A couple of questions:
1) Do you really want her moved out of your house? Does she have the means to do so?
2) Is she doing anything that would lead to real independence such as going to school or working full time? Does she know what she wants to do?
3) Did you tell her to move out because you were angry?
< Message edited by locomom -- 9/4/2008 2:06:47 PM >
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RE: 19 year old daughter moved out.... - 9/4/2008 7:59:39 AM
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car2ner
Posts: 2871
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: just north of Florida
Status: offline
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quote:
Our relationship has basically been destroyed. She won't come to church anymore although she is trying different churches. This all hurts. So many hurtful things have been said even though we both have told each other we love each other more than anything! I can't stop crying! Help! Am I wrong? She said she isn't doing anything BAD but I think the appearance of living at her boyfriends house isn't good. I don't know if I over reacted or if I'm dead wrong or if I was right and what I can do now the fix our relationship without condoning her behavior!!!!!!! I'm so confused and heartbroken over all this!
Ah, young adults. Not knowing anything but your post let me throw this out, Your old relationship is destroyed but you will rebuild a new one. You have to trust her to make her choices and work them out. We have three young adults out in the real world which is so different from them living at home. And we have told the youngest that while he was living at home he needed to follow the house rules. If he wanted to make his own rules he should move out and pay his own rent. Adult freedom comes with adult responsibilities. Do we like all of their choices? No. We don't nag them and we tell them truthfully about what we think when they ask (and occasionally when they don't ask). We have to let them live their own lives, and we pray ALOT that God watches over them, directs them, and nudges them from going too far into trouble.
Our 25 and 24 year olds call and chat with us, ask advice and even argue politics at times...all good stuff. Our 18 year old is more distant. I guess he still wants to assert his independence and figure out which end is up.
_____________________________
http://www.car2ner.2ya.com
"May your days be long and your hardships few".
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RE: 19 year old daughter moved out.... - 9/4/2008 9:09:07 AM
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bolt.
Posts: 1465
Joined: 4/29/2005
Status: offline
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This has been a long time in coming and is probably for the best. Other that the boyfriend's family offering her a place to stay (which is an opening for temptation), there is no reason to be concerned about your adult daughter making her way in the world.
She isn't doing anything "BAD"... at least not particularly bad.
Even if she is putting herself in the position to make promiscuity more tempting (if she hasn't given in already) that doesn't make her bad. It makes her unwise and susceptible to sin, like everybody else. I don't think that a sexual sin will be the first sin your daughter has committed.
If your issue really is the appearance of evil / temptation of overnight boyfriend stays, your best plan to prevent that is to help her get a place of her own and be pleased with her choice to live in an adult manner.
As far as loving her while not condoning the behaviour -- she knows by now that you don't approve and why right? (If not, tell her once, calmly, quickly and to the point in a non confrontational way.) If she knows you don't approve, you can just carry on as normal and be friendly and not talk about it. It's not your job to prevent another adult (who happens to be your offspring) from sinning. You don't have to try endlessly to talk her out of it either. God is going to love her through it and offer her grace when she comes to her senses. You should too.
The reason you hurt so badly is that you are too much enmeshed with your daughter. This is very common in single-parent same-gender situations. You have become so sympathetic with her that it becomes blurry where she begins and you stop. Your identities overlap. If you continue to try to maintain this level of unhealthy 'closeness' you are going to drive her away... and you don't want that. What you want is some counseling (maybe 4 sessions) to help you with your identity and personal boundaries, so that your daughter's choices don't feel so close to you.
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RE: 19 year old daughter moved out.... - 9/4/2008 5:03:07 PM
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NotDoneYet
Posts: 316
Joined: 12/11/2007
From: Virginia
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: sadnheartbroken
I don't know what to do with myself! My daughter was always so obedient and we were more like best friends than anything. I became a single mother when she was 10 and so I was all she had. Within the last year she has grown more independent and I was ok with that, but then she started hanging out with this group of friends (mostly guys) and she was staying out til all hours of the night. I talked to her about how late she stayed out and I thought we came to an agreement of what time to be home but it appears I just made her resent me. She would do good for awhile and then back to her old habits. Then, she started staying out all night. Sometimes she would tell me, sometimes not. We started having arguments. Then the straw that broke the camels back was she didn't come home for almost a week. Most of that week, she never told me she wasn't coming home. Then, one night we were having a nice conversation and I was hopeful she was gonna come home, I asked her what time she was coming home and she didn't know. So, I asked her if she was coming home and she said yes. Then I got up the next morning and she wasn't home. I was scared and angry all at the same time! I didn't know what had happened to her then I got angry because I figured here we go again! Why does she not want to be home. The bad part, is she is staying at the guys house (all live with their parents) but I don't think that is wise to be out all hours with guys and staying all night at their house! So, I sent her a text message and told her I couldn't take this emotional roller coaster and that if she couldn't follow the rules, to move out. So, she did. Our relationship has basically been destroyed. She won't come to church anymore although she is trying different churches. This all hurts. So many hurtful things have been said even though we both have told each other we love each other more than anything! I can't stop crying! Help! Am I wrong? She said she isn't doing anything BAD but I think the appearance of living at her boyfriends house isn't good. I don't know if I over reacted or if I'm dead wrong or if I was right and what I can do now the fix our relationship without condoning her behavior!!!!!!! I'm so confused and heartbroken over all this!
I moved out at 17...I had finished high school and my parents still acted like I was in grade school...I had a job, I was in college...and they insisted on a 10pm curfew, listened to my phone calls...and about had a fit when I went to see VanHalen...so I left.
I have always had mostly guys as friends (still do at 44), and still enjoy things that are more "guy" things...sports, car racing, stuff like that. My mom STILL doesn't get it!
My mom wouldn't butt out of my life, into adulthood, marriage, child rearing, and for many years I shut her out. I'm her caretaker now...but we STILL don't have a good relationship because she couldn't figure out that I was and am my own person...
Mom, back down...she's 19, legally an adult, and even though she loves you, it's time for her to leave the nest. Just be there, be a friend...but figure out where you end and she begins.
_____________________________
Remember, normal is just a setting on the dryer!
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RE: 19 year old daughter moved out.... - 9/4/2008 10:40:42 PM
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Christian30
Posts: 53
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Stafford, TX (Houston suburb)
Status: offline
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Sad,
At least she is trying other churches rather than not going to church at all. Your relationship is not destroyed, but sounds like she's rebelled a bit. I think you have too much of a strong foundation with her for the relationship to be destroyed.
My son was a late bloomer and trying to "test his wings" at 18. At that time he said, "Dad, I am an adult and want to be treated like one." Then we started to give him more adult responsibility. At 21 he said, "You know Dad, I'm still really a kid!"
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RE: 19 year old daughter moved out.... - 9/4/2008 11:40:22 PM
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sen10tious
Posts: 271
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: sadnheartbroken
My daughter was always so obedient [...] I sent her a text message and told her I couldn't take this emotional roller coaster and that if she couldn't follow the rules, to move out. So, she did.
It sounds like she is still obedient. You gave her a choice. (Via a text message!)
Doesn't anyone believe in common courtesy and good manners any more? She ought to be letting you know where she is simply because it is good manners to not let someone worry needlessly. You cannot demand a curfew for an independent adult, but even housemates and roommates ought to be considerate. And what is with the text messaging an ultimatum? That sort of discussion about when to change residence ought to be held over a friendly working lunch.
_____________________________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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RE: 19 year old daughter moved out.... - 9/5/2008 10:21:46 AM
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MC4JC
Posts: 203
Joined: 7/6/2008
From: Minnesota
Status: offline
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Its hardest between 18-early 20's to let go and not want to protect them against what you see as "wrong". I listened to one Christian radio program about "letting go" of your child when they are an adult (age 18).
Mothers have it rougher I think. Our one son is 21 now (or will be this month). At age 19 he decided to move back to his father/grandparents. I had to let him go, even tho it was not a good enviroment (IMO). He is beginning to see how his father REALLY is, but he's a little stuck in the situation. I would love for him to move back here where he has more positive support, but its his decision.
I had a talk with him the other night (regarding being 21 and a true adult and facing the consequences of his decisions). We will have another one soon. All you can do is pray for God's protection and guidance for them.
Yes they will make mistakes; same was we all did at that age. But you have to let go and let them choose. I'd tell your daughter that while you don't like all the things that are happening, its HER choice to make and you will pray for her and be there if she chooses to come back or want advice. Keep the door open in a good way.
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. Sometimes children don't make the choices their parents hope they will. The best thing to do is turn it over to God. I will try to come back later.
