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About buddies....... - 10/17/2009 11:57:56 AM
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RosieCotton
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I know we've gone round and round on this topic......
I also know my own issues of seeing things where there isnt.......(getting emotionally tied up w/a guy who is just on the path of friendship.)
A friend sent me this webpage.........about being buddies......
Was wondering what your thoughts were.
http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001845.cfm#share
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RE: About buddies....... - 10/17/2009 6:04:28 PM
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jhuperetes
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quote:
ORIGINAL: dsfuva
[...]
On the other hand, Boundless promotes marriage at all costs and is quick to heap the blame on single men when marriage doesn't happen.
Yep.
A men's boyish good looks and charm lured women? Smirking, shrugging, backslapping, up-piping?
Reading that article sounds like the author's male "friends" are a bunch of half-drunk frat boys.
So, men "lure" women to dates...
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RE: About buddies....... - 10/17/2009 8:32:42 PM
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mahad
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i agree with the article 100%.
this happens more than many of us would like to admit.
women are embarrassed to admit we've got it wrong again. and that another man is "just not that into you". and men will never admit that deep down inside they know good and well their female "buddy" is looking for more. until both sides are really ready for honest dialogue, women will continue to get hurt and men will continue say they had no idea how she really felt.
< Message edited by mahad -- 10/17/2009 8:54:11 PM >
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RE: About buddies....... - 10/17/2009 9:11:55 PM
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RosieCotton
Posts: 1967
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dsf......ouch! sorry, didnt know that about Boundless.......a friend had shared this article, and i just read it, w/out digging deeper.
Jh.......ummmmmmm...........nice comment but its off topic......had nothing to do w/what was being asked........if u dont have anything constructive to say, please take your off topic comments somewhere else.
I know i've been round the block here a time or two, (we have discussed this before) and been single for quite a bit of time. Just was seeing what u all felt w/this.
Mahad.....thank you for your thoughts......
_____________________________
.Jesus didn't send his disciples out as "Christian soldiers marching as to war." He sent them out as peacemakers, who would form circles of friendship and thereby enable people to connect with one another. — Tom Ehrich www.actsofkindness.org
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RE: About buddies....... - 10/18/2009 1:02:13 AM
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Elena1030
Posts: 2104
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quote:
ORIGINAL: dsfuva
I have mixed feelings about that article.
I've been in that situation before, though on the other side of the fence. Guys aren't the ones ones who lead on members of the opposite sex only to crush their hearts. 
True. Women sometimes do that to men too.
The point is about proper boundaries and being clear on what one's intentions are. And about examining one's motives about maintaining close friendships with the opposite sex.
quote:
On the other hand, Boundless promotes marriage at all costs and is quick to heap the blame on single men when marriage doesn't happen.
That's a mischaracterization of Boundless's attitude and message. It's not marriage at all costs.
I encourage folks to read more than just a few articles from Boundless on dating and marriage, in order to discern what their message truly is. And the podcasts are great!
quote:
ORIGINAL: jhuperetes
A men's boyish good looks and charm lured women? Smirking, shrugging, backslapping, up-piping?
Piping up just means that a person added something to say. That's not a weird word choice.
quote:
Reading that article sounds like the author's male "friends" are a bunch of half-drunk frat boys.
So, men "lure" women to dates...
Actually, that was ONE of Mrs. Hadley Gosselin's friends she was talking about, not all men.
AND did you read the parts in which the author (Mrs. Gosselin) enjoined women to check their motives and to not give so much emotional investment when that level hasn't been asked of them?
{The author of the article married this year.}
< Message edited by Elena1030 -- 10/18/2009 1:12:36 AM >
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RE: About buddies....... - 10/18/2009 1:07:54 AM
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Elena1030
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There are some men who genuinely want good, close friendships with women, those they don't wish to date. Some men begin by becoming friends and then seeing if a romance comes of it but will keep the friendship no matter what (or at least will attempt to keep the friendship). These men are not out to "lure" women or deceive them.
Sometimes other men DO accept a woman's friendship.... and he may or may not sense that she actually has romantic interest or that she eventually develops it in the course of their becoming friends... and these men let things drag on and on.
And it does happen the other way around, that the woman wants "just friends" and the man is her buddy but wants more. And she may or may not pick up on this.
Anyway, I think that in many cases being buddies is not a good idea.
Other people have experienced being buddies as a very good thing, though.
I think one has to determine for oneself what his/her limits are. And that's sufficient, I believe.
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RE: About buddies....... - 10/18/2009 2:52:14 AM
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Elena1030
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jhuperetes
Either way, if they responded as such, single or as a group, they were rude.
OH! Yes, I do agree with you -- the young men did seem rather cocky. At least, immature.
I inferred you were criticizing the author for having such friends.... or for implying that all young men are such. Forgive me for assuming! 
quote:
English is not my native tongue, and learned it from Brits and from the Midwest US. Both "Pipe up", and "pipe down" was, in my experience, told to children.
But, now I am really off topic. 
Forgive me for not remembering your origins, if you have said as much before.
Off-topic remarks are OK, I think, as long as the rest of one's post keeps the thread on topic.
Pipe down, yes, is most often used to tell noisy children to quiet themselves. Pipe up is not a parallel opposite, though. Totally different connotations.
So... back to the topic:
What counsel would you give your fellow brothers in Christ about being friends with their sisters in Christ?
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RE: About buddies....... - 10/18/2009 3:05:10 AM
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_Don_
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It's a good article overall and highlights some of the problems that can arise with male/female friendships. I have a problem though with her righteous anger welling up over this horrible mistreatment of women by men as she's a bit one-sided in this article. It isn't only women that suffer from the "friend that wishes there was more" uncommitted friendship. It is not always only women that "pay the price emotionally." Members of both sexes have taken advantage of such unequal friendships and it is just as wrong and should be just as anger inducing when women take advantage of an uncommitted friendship that a guy is hoping one day will "blossom into something more." This is one reason I think the "Let's just be friends" rejection speech is not kind no matter the intention as it leaves the door open for lingering hope.
As much as I appreciate the arguments for the "friends first" approach to dating and hope that I fall in love with and marry my best girl friend; it is through observing and having been in unequal, uncommitted friendships that I find the most fault with the "friends first" approach. I'm surprised to hear her say, "Single men and women are failing each other. Uncommitted intimate friendships may satiate immediate needs, but they lead to frustration and heartache. Not to mention, for singles ready for marriage, these "friendships" waste time and energy." This is what John_O (and others) has pointed out over and over regarding the time wasted building the intimate friendships needed by the "friends first" approach. I'm not advocating that one accept dates with strangers but how deep of a friendship is needed to know you really do (or don't) want to get to know someone better?
As an aside, I agree with jhuperetes that the guys were (or were presented as) frat boyish and rude.
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Fry
I can't wait 'till I'm old enough to feel ways about stuff.
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RE: About buddies....... - 10/20/2009 2:10:55 PM
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Elena1030
Posts: 2104
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quote:
ORIGINAL: _Don_
It's a good article overall and highlights some of the problems that can arise with male/female friendships. I have a problem though with her righteous anger welling up over this horrible mistreatment of women by men as she's a bit one-sided in this article. It isn't only women that suffer from the "friend that wishes there was more" uncommitted friendship. It is not always only women that "pay the price emotionally." Members of both sexes have taken advantage of such unequal friendships and it is just as wrong and should be just as anger inducing when women take advantage of an uncommitted friendship that a guy is hoping one day will "blossom into something more." This is one reason I think the "Let's just be friends" rejection speech is not kind no matter the intention as it leaves the door open for lingering hope.
I think for us to hear how men experience the phenomenon, we'd need a man to write a companion piece. Why don' you e-mail Boundless and suggest one? editor@boundless.org
quote:
As much as I appreciate the arguments for the "friends first" approach to dating and hope that I fall in love with and marry my best girl friend; it is through observing and having been in unequal, uncommitted friendships that I find the most fault with the "friends first" approach. I'm surprised to hear her say, "Single men and women are failing each other. Uncommitted intimate friendships may satiate immediate needs, but they lead to frustration and heartache. Not to mention, for singles ready for marriage, these "friendships" waste time and energy."
Really? The article was written in 2006, and I think Boundless has been advocating caution in having too-close friendships of the opposite sex, for much longer than that.
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RE: About buddies....... - 10/21/2009 3:33:32 PM
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dsfuva
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Elena1030
quote:
On the other hand, Boundless promotes marriage at all costs and is quick to heap the blame on single men when marriage doesn't happen.
That's a mischaracterization of Boundless's attitude and message. It's not marriage at all costs.
You could have fooled me, considering they've published articles by authors such as Debbie Maken and Candice Watters which advocate what's become known as "marriage mandate" theology.
Then again, this is a thread about buddies, not marriage mandate theology, so I won't press the point any further.
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RE: About buddies....... - 10/21/2009 7:01:51 PM
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churchsinger
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I know all too well the repercussions of the friends with no committment. My last relationship ended because of this whole thing. Things can get really complicated and painful. When we first met he wanted to marry me like right away. I wasn't ready for that. He reminded me of my exhusband I just left. We were friends for about a year and he pursued me all year to date him. We were very close friends and told each other every thing. I dated other guys which ended unfortunately, and one day he says to me, why are you dating these other guys when you got me? So I asked myself that, and decided to prayerfully date him in order to pursue marriage. Again, he wanted to get married right away, but I wanted to make sure this was going to work, so I stalled. I came out of a bad marriage and I didn't want to rush into things. Well, he wouldn't get any premarital counseling with me. He didn't want to get a job that could support a family. He wanted to be transient instead of settling down in a home. And BTW he lived with his Dad and expected me to sell all my things in order to live in his Dad's place if we got married, even though I can afford a home of my own. It seemed like he didn't want to take care of me. Let's se what's behing door number three! Perhaps he had doubts about our relationship and wanted to stay friends. I sure did. We fought all the time about stuff, when we didn't fight as friends. He broke it off with me after this huge fight we had, and said he didn't want anything to do with me. I thought we would continue to be friends, but he won't even talk to me. It was very painful to have lost the friendship, being very emotionally attatched to him. I'm looking back and wish I never dated him, that we were just friends. Obviously we both wanted it to be more but it just wasn't meant to be. I will think twice about becoming emotionally involved with a friend again.
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RE: About buddies....... - 10/21/2009 10:27:42 PM
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dnp200450
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Churchsinger,
Couldn't you tell this guy was a looser before you married him?! It seems he had been awful a long time!
As for the subject in general, I think some of this no opposite-sex friendship philosophy is coming to much out of "right-field". If one were to really follow the gender opinions certain authors and leaders advocate; the Christian Community would be heavily sexually segregated. Please don't think I am using the term "segregated" lightly either. Here is what I heard some of the experts say:
A) No opposite-sex friends, people apparently get the wrong message. Big deal, life is about mistakes and misunderstandings. Deal with it and move on. I had male friends that turned out to be rotten. That does not mean I gave up on having male friends. I don't believe most of my female friends are going to "fall for me" either. I am not that egotistical!
B) Women should never be in superior roles to men. At my corporations I always choose people based on leadership ability, intelligence, experience and interpersonal communication skills. Sorry folks, I don't even consider gender. It is about hiring the best person for the job. Before you flame me, answer this one question. How would you feel if I passed over your mother, sister or wife for a top management promotion because of her gender?
C) We should not date, only practice courtship. Well, that is a choice isn't? Besides the courtship and dating models are not without there perspective flaws either. It is not black and white, date vs. courtship.
D) Males and females should not be educated separately. Well, how does one explain the extremely high level of education found in many countries that do practice coeducation?
E) Unmarried men and women should not be left alone together. A chaperon would be wise. Oh please, if I had such a problem with temptation/lust/desire. I should register myself as a Sex Offender. Besides if you are a Christian you should be even more able to control yourself, right? Even my teens my Holiness parents never were in to chaperones. Besides I would have never gone on a date with an annoying 3rd wheel lurking around.
F) We should all marry right out of high-school or in university. Oh great, lets have the divorce rate soar even higher than it is now. This advice is bad for too many reasons out of the scope of this thread. I would have left the country and renounced my citizenship before I got pushed in to a marriage by a 3rd party Theocrat. It is simply wrong to push people in to marriage prematurely.
G) Men are more visual than woman. Actually many woman are heavily in to visual appearances. Plastic surgery, expensive cloths, shoes, jewelry, accessories, decorations prove otherwise. Many woman judge the appearance of other women to establish their “pecking order”. Also how does one explain some many successful women in the media industry?
H) Pornography is overwhelmingly a male problem. Romance novels still sell in high volume. Some of these top sellers would make a sailor blush. Written erotic pornography is still pornography.
My point to all of this is that all of this “expert advice” given has to be taken with a grain of salt. If Christians were to follow all of the above recommendations, they would be living in the Christian equivalent to sexually segregated Saudi Arabia! Horrible! I have found opposite sex friends are fine to have. As are friends from other races, nationalities, ethnicities and yes, even religions. You can’t preach to the choir all of the time.
Thank you for your patience
< Message edited by dnp200450 -- 10/21/2009 11:51:30 PM >
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RE: About buddies....... - 10/22/2009 8:43:08 AM
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jhuperetes
Posts: 473
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A.) I do not think anyone is advocating no friendships at all within the opposite gender. I think most of us talking or at least thinking about "friends first, before marriage". I could be wrong, but that's what I thought we talked about.
B.) Nowhere in the Bible says that women should be always in an inferior role to men. Complementarian thinking does not equate subjugation of females. It simply means recognizing that I am better at some things, she is better at other things. Egalitarian thinking insist on everyone gets the same say so in every subject. By personal experience, this can lead to disastrous results at say vehicle oil changes, or picking out colors for wall paint.
C.) I am still trying to figure out what are the finer points of difference between the two.
D.) I presume you meant "Males & females should be educated separately". To your reference, I can show just as many where gender separated education was just as successful.
E.) I agree, this can be taken too far.But, I do disagree that just because you are blessed with abundance of self control, everyone else must be able to do so. They key word is in your sentence is "should". As Christians we all struggle with different temptations and sins to a different degree.
F.) Recent study shows that those whom married earlier tend to have a lower divorce rate.
G.) But, why do women do apply "plastic surgery, expensive cloths, shoes, jewelry, accessories, decorations"? What is the root purpose? As for why so many successful women in media - 50% of the population is men, and they vote with their money.
H.) You are absolutely right.
Back to A.) - I think the context of friendships from the opposite gender is the key. 
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RE: About buddies....... - 10/22/2009 10:29:10 AM
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Elena1030
Posts: 2104
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jhuperetes
A.) I do not think anyone is advocating no friendships at all within the opposite gender. I think most of us talking or at least thinking about "friends first, before marriage". I could be wrong, but that's what I thought we talked about.
I agree with your first sentence. We're not talking about friendships with proper emotional boundaries... or close friendships between men and women who are fine with having those sorts of friendships.
The second sentence -- I'm not sure what aspect of the "being buddies" issues other folks are thinking of, but I am not of the "friends first" camp, so that's not what I was talking about. And the "Not Your Buddy" article from Boundless is more about men and women being in lopsided close friendships -- one wants to date the friend, but the friend just wants to stay friends.
So... yes, the friends-first practice (which is fine, if that's what a person wants) is an aspect of the topic of opposite sex friendships... but it may need its own thread. (And actually, there are threads already started, but I don't know if they are still in existence. One would need to do a search for older threads in the Singles area.)
The other issues that dnp has collated are really beyond the scope of this thread -- and those opinions really aren't held by all the same people in Christendom. That list really is a cross-section across the spectrum of thought on how men and women are to relate. (And I don't agree with all those opinions... just so folks are aware.) A in-depth study/review of those opinions is warranted, definitely.
And thank you for clarifying the complementarian view. (In marriage, men and women have different roles but equal worth.)
< Message edited by Elena1030 -- 10/22/2009 10:35:40 AM >
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RE: About buddies....... - 10/22/2009 11:49:11 AM
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dnp200450
Posts: 398
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Elena1030
The other issues that dnp has collated are really beyond the scope of this thread -- and those opinions really aren't held by all the same people in Christendom. That list really is a cross-section across the spectrum of thought on how men and women are to relate. (And I don't agree with all those opinions... just so folks are aware.) A in-depth study/review of those opinions is warranted, definitely.
I wrote my original post late at night and was too tired to write what I needed to put it all together. Hence it came across as the off-topic ramblings of a mad man My point to all of this was that some, not all, but some of these so-called dating/relationship/marriage experts I have read on opposite gender friendships (point A). Have many if not all of the opinions I list in points B-H.
Elena, you are right about those points not being represented by all of the same people in Christendom. I would even venture to say that they are not representative of most Christians I know in the U.S. and Canada. Including myself obviously. I have read other Christian articles on male-female friendships as well. I am really starting to distrust authors opinions on the subject because way too many of them share the some of the more radical point I mention above. They seem to have lost their objectivity. So now when I read articles about subjects such as close opposite sex friendship I find I have to review the author's other articles. I need to see where their heads are at. Otherwise their writing maybe way too subjective to be of any use to me. If they believe in most or all of the points I listed I start really wondering.
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RE: About buddies....... - 10/22/2009 12:00:47 PM
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Elena1030
Posts: 2104
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quote:
ORIGINAL: dnp200450
quote:
ORIGINAL: Elena1030
The other issues that dnp has collated are really beyond the scope of this thread -- and those opinions really aren't held by all the same people in Christendom. That list really is a cross-section across the spectrum of thought on how men and women are to relate. (And I don't agree with all those opinions... just so folks are aware.) A in-depth study/review of those opinions is warranted, definitely.
I wrote my original post late at night and was too tired to write what I needed to put it all together. Hence it came across as the off-topic ramblings of a mad man
Heehee! I hear ya. (And you're passionate. But I don't view you as a mad man... just sos yas knows.)
And really, you made great points! And I agree with ya. There's some craziness out there that would make Christendom a nightmare if we followed ALL of the opinions at once. Geez, what chaos!!
There's just so much that one thread cannot contain it all. Sounds like a book to be written, actually! A response to these views. (A project that piques my interest, actually!)
quote:
My point to all of this was that some, not all, but some of these so-called dating/relationship/marriage experts I have read on opposite gender friendships (point A) have many if not all of the opinions I list in points B–H.
Ah, yes, the extremely conservative ones do.
quote:
Elena, you are right about those points not being represented by all of the same people in Christendom. I would even venture to say that they are not representative of most Christians I know in the U.S. and Canada. Including myself obviously. I have read other Christian articles on male–female friendships as well. I am really starting to distrust authors' opinions on the subject because way too many of them share the some of the more radical points I mention above. They seem to have lost their objectivity. So now when I read articles about subjects such as close opposite sex friendship, I find I have to review the authors' other articles. I need to see where their heads are at. Otherwise their writing maybe way too subjective to be of any use to me. If they believe in most or all of the points I listed, I start really wondering.
Good point. And I agree -- it's wise to get the context for what the authors' views are. I encourage you to keep reading what the Boundless authors have written through the years (articles, blogs, and books) and to listen to the podcasts. There is plenty to keep you busy for a while.  (On the whole, the cadre of authors is conservative. But they aren't radically so. At least, not what I would consider radical.)
I'd be interested in knowing who are the other authors you've discovered to be on the extreme end. (I'll send you a PM with an e-mail address at which you can send things to me.)
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RE: About buddies....... - 10/27/2009 2:56:22 AM
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_Don_
Posts: 105
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Elena1030
I think for us to hear how men experience the phenomenon, we'd need a man to write a companion piece. Why don' you e-mail Boundless and suggest one? editor@boundless.org
I don't think it really needs a companion piece... Generally what she says applies for men also and could be written with a simple search and replace (except where, for example, women have the expectation that a guy will make the first move).
For example, here's the first few paragraphs with the appropriate replacements...
The other day I was having lunch with a friend and he began to pour out an all-too-familiar story. The girl he'd been hanging out with four nights a week, the one who'd made him a jazz mix CD and asked him to be her date to her office Christmas party, the one who'd gone to late-night movies with him and made him pasta — that girl — had crushed his hopes (again) with a single, nonchalant statement: "I don't see myself in a relationship anytime soon."
I tried to reassure my friend that the girl probably thought he was handsome and fabulous and smart [as indeed I had heard him say so] but had just made a choice to be single for now.
"But we have such a great connection," he moaned. "We're such good friends!"
I felt [frustration] well up. This was not the first time I'd heard this story. I could count nearly half a dozen friends who found themselves in this same frustrating situation. After investing months in late night talks, meals together and flirty e-mails, each man faced the sad reality that the girl actually wasn't planning to upgrade their friendship to, well, [dating].
Hopefully in the article from the men's perspective the woman and her friends would be portrayed as a little more mature and sensitive but I know women who'd give near the same response (minus the back slapping).
As the guys' problem is so similar I'm surprised 1) the author hasn't heard about it and 2) couldn't include the guys' perspective in the same article rather than seemingly making it a women only problem.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Elena1030
quote:
ORIGINAL: _Don_
...I'm surprised to hear her say, "Single men and women are failing each other. Uncommitted intimate friendships may satiate immediate needs, but they lead to frustration and heartache. Not to mention, for singles ready for marriage, these "friendships" waste time and energy."
Really? The article was written in 2006, and I think Boundless has been advocating caution in having too-close friendships of the opposite sex, for much longer than that.
Thanks for pointing that out re. Boundless. I do think that we need caution in too close friendships with members of the opposite sex and am glad they have been warning all for so long. I should have clarified what surprised me. I was surprised to hear the caution against close friendships coming from a woman as (and correct me if I'm wrong) it is typically women (especially in these forums) that advocate the friends first approach to romance. And, in my mind, it takes a close friendship for the friends first approach to work (again, someone correct me if I am wrong).
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ORIGINAL: Fry
I can't wait 'till I'm old enough to feel ways about stuff.
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RE: About buddies....... - 10/27/2009 10:42:02 AM
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Bryanfromiowa
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Definately a prejudist article. I was recently on the other side of this and other men i know have been as well. If you ignore that aspect it quite a well written and right on the money. I think this quote speaks to why she did what she did and why i allowed it
quote:
Dr. Reeve writes: "One party can selfishly enjoy all the benefits of a relationship, the warmth and relief from loneliness, the satisfaction of the attention that feeds the ego — all without the accompanying commitment. One party luxuriates, while the other party feels cheated and is left with deep unsatisfied longings."
This is great advice i will try and take into my dealings with women
quote:
The most helpful book I never read was a little relationship book called He's Just Not That Into You. The title alone provided the answer to a decade's old inner struggle I've had. You know, the one that causes a single female to hope a relationship will develop out of a friendship despite a complete absence of evidence of the fact.
In her book Relationships, former college professor Dr. Pamela Reeve discusses three levels of friendships: acquaintances, companions and intimate friends. Dr. Reeve observes that men and women cannot sustain an intimate friendship without one or the other harboring romantic expectations. She recommends that men and women avoid being intimate friends outside of courtship and marriage.
For me no companion piece is needed change the language to gender neutral and the article hits home just as it is.
Great topic thanks
< Message edited by Bryanfromiowa -- 10/27/2009 10:49:24 AM >
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RE: About buddies....... - 10/27/2009 4:01:47 PM
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Elena1030
Posts: 2104
Joined: 6/21/2006
From: Music City, USA
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Bryanfromiowa
Definately a prejudist article.
Bryan, hmm... prejudiced how?
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I was recently on the other side of this and other men i know have been as well. If you ignore that aspect it quite a well written and right on the money. I think this quote speaks to why she did what she did and why i allowed it
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Dr. Reeve writes: "One party can selfishly enjoy all the benefits of a relationship, the warmth and relief from loneliness, the satisfaction of the attention that feeds the ego — all without the accompanying commitment. One party luxuriates, while the other party feels cheated and is left with deep unsatisfied longings."
This is great advice i will try and take into my dealings with women
Bryan, I'm glad you benefitted from it. I imagine Mrs. Suzanne Hadley Gosselin (wow, that's a mouthful!) would be glad as well.
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ORIGINAL: _Don_
As the guys' problem is so similar I'm surprised 1) the author hasn't heard about it and 2) couldn't include the guys' perspective in the same article rather than seemingly making it a women only problem.
Good points. I'm not sure why Ms. Hadley (as she was then) chose to use a more personal essay style than a more neutral tone/position. And perhaps she didn't know any guys back then who had experienced the same things that she and other women had. Perhaps she felt the man's experience with the same phenomenon ought to be written by a man.
I think it was in digging into The Ladder Theory I read articles and blog posts by men who have experienced the horrors of allowing themselves to be used by women who strung them along. Not sure if Suzanne ever came across the same material.
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Thanks for pointing that out re. Boundless. I do think that we need caution in too close friendships with members of the opposite sex and am glad they have been warning all for so long. I should have clarified what surprised me. I was surprised to hear the caution against close friendships coming from a woman as (and correct me if I'm wrong) it is typically women (especially in these forums) that advocate the friends first approach to romance. And, in my mind, it takes a close friendship for the friends first approach to work (again, someone correct me if I am wrong).
Ah... yes, well, that indeed is one point of difference with Boundless!
We could resurrect the "friends first" questions -- in a new thread or in the old ones. We had some pretty active and intense threads several months ago. I don't know if they are still accessible.
For now, I'll say that "friends first" really has many shades to it. So... you'd have to get the perspective from those who say that's their preferred method... as to what they mean by it.
I'm not sure how close (as in intensity and depth of sharing) is really needed, in theory. Some gals aren't "friends first" per se... but do want to know a little bit about a guy and to have interacted with him several times before he initiates a pursuit. That might be considered by some to be on one end of the "friends first" spectrum -- 'cause there is that amount of "we do know each other as human beings who run in the same/overlapping circles of contact."
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ORIGINAL: _Don_
I don't think it really needs a companion piece... Generally what she says applies for men also and could be written with a simple search and replace (except where, for example, women have the expectation that a guy will make the first move).
quote:
ORIGINAL: Bryanfromiowa
For me, no companion piece is needed. Change the language to gender neutral, and the article hits home just as it is.
Good to know that folks can extrapolate and apply principles for themselves as fit their situations.
< Message edited by Elena1030 -- 10/27/2009 4:08:28 PM >
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RE: About buddies....... - 10/27/2009 4:04:22 PM
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jhuperetes
Posts: 473
Status: offline
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All in all, a good article. Reminds me that I need to be careful not with just my heart & mind, but those around me.
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