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Dont know what to think. - 5/18/2008 8:33:04 PM
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aimeeK03
Posts: 9
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Me and my husband have been married for 4 years, dating for about 8. We have been through some rough times and sometimes he can be mean, and I can be rebelious. We dont lives the best Christian lives sometimes and I want that to change especially now that we have a little boy
My problem is, I have discovered from snooping on my husbands computer that he has a myspace and has been looking at his ex girlfriend (from years ago and who he left for me) page ALOT. I look at his browser history. He look very often.. I have been seeing him do this for months and am afraid to confront him because he will be so mad I was snooping. He even left the page logged in one time and I was able to look through to see if he had been talking to her.. I saw that he had sent her a few messages but it was mostly small talk. She is now married and I just dont know why he would be thinking about her so much. I cant help but wonder if he regrets me but then I think Im just getting emotional.. Right now I just want to know if he is not satisfied with me and if this means that he is not. We have ups and downs in our relationship as far as fighting etc but then again he does show a good amount of compassion towards me. He espeically gets protective of me when we are out if guy act like they might hit on me..
Sometimes I think well maybe he is just curious about what is new in her life now that he can see through myspace. He had told me in the past he broke up with her because she was overbearing and strict.
Can anyone help me realize what is going on with him? Do you think it is nothing? Do you think he is just curious. What should I do? Should I confront him? I am so torn
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RE: Dont know what to think. - 5/18/2008 8:58:57 PM
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DustyLady
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Could it be that he simply wants to remain friends with her, without any romantic involvement? I do think you should discuss this with him, in a very calm and rational manner.
Dusty
_____________________________
"The thing I hate about an argument is that it always interrupts a discussion." -- G.K. Chesterton
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RE: Dont know what to think. - 5/18/2008 9:04:10 PM
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aimeeK03
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I would love to know that is all it is.. its just that it is sooo much. I had issues a few years ago after we started dating, when I found out he called her a few times after we started together.. and while we were fighting.. I guess I add this with that, which bother me much back then and it makes me worry.
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RE: Dont know what to think. - 5/18/2008 9:35:36 PM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 637
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IMO, as a married man he has no business looking at a woman's web page like that.....especially an ex-girlfriend. I would definitely ask my husband to stop something like that. He is being very disrespectful of you. It sounds like your husband still has an emotional tie to this woman since he keeps trying to contact her. I would put a stop to it if this were my husband.
You said your husband can be mean and that you are afraid of confronting him. What do you mean by that? Are you afraid he may become physically violent? If so, that may change the advice I would give.
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RE: Dont know what to think. - 5/18/2008 9:42:05 PM
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aimeeK03
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not physical.. he is just mean sometimes.. I know its not good. There are times i have not wanted to be around him because we were not getting along and I would go out with friends and not listen to him.. do you think I drove him to miss his ex or wish he wasnt with me at all.
< Message edited by aimeeK03 -- 5/18/2008 9:48:14 PM >
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RE: Dont know what to think. - 5/18/2008 9:47:53 PM
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Hislittleone
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quote:
do you think I drove him to miss his ex or wish he wasnt with me at all.
Not at all!!! If he is thinking of another woman or wishing he wasn't with you then he is sinning. It's not something you can drive him to do. He will either choose to be a Christlike husband (is he a Christian?) or he will choose to follow these foolish, sinful fantasies and desires (thinking of and wanting another woman). It's a choice as to what kind of man/husband he wants to be.
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RE: Dont know what to think. - 5/18/2008 10:12:30 PM
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aimeeK03
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he claims to be a christian but.. we both dont live the best. You are right. He broke up with his ex because he said she was to demanding and he wasnt happy with her. She was and is kind of a goody, or a strong Christian. She never slept with him and then when me and him got together we started having sex almost right off the bat.. That always kind of made me feel bad about myself. I would hate to think about how it might play a role in why he would be thinking about her.. missing the good girl. Ive done nothing but dragged him into the lifestyle Ive always been into, partying etc.. but at the same time he was very eager when he chose to pursue me.
I regret it all, I want to straighten up and I want us to work out, but the thought of all this and what might be going on with him hurts me. I did some bad things by being a bad influence to him through the years and he has also been emotionally abusive to me in ways. I really think we could use to go to couseling but I cant imagine trying to get him to do that.
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RE: Dont know what to think. - 5/19/2008 9:33:22 AM
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mindonfocus07
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I have gone through this EXACT situation (with both myspace and facebook.com). My husband was looking up his exgirlfriend and, also through a little snooping, I found out about it. In my opinion there is only a need to be secretive if you are trying to hide something. With my husband it started off "innocent" as well with a lot of small talk and catching up, but quickly escalated into sharing personal information about our marriage and her relationships. When he was upset with me he would "vent" to her about all the things I was doing wrong and when I asked him to stop talking to her he started sneaking around and deleting the emails. There was even a point where he created a secret yahoo account for the sole purpose of emailing her. I fussed and cried and begged, but that only gave them more to talk about... finally I got to the point that I was sick of hearing myself say her name. I had prayed about this situation for YEARS, but I never left it to God. I finally realized that I could not leave it in God's hands if it was still in mine. In prayer I told God to take it because I was sick of the entire situation and I never wanted to hear about it again. About a month later my husband came to me and apologized for his relationship with her. He said that some part of him always wondered what could have been with her, but it wasn't worth our marriage and he had stopped talking to her.
I think it is very important to talk to your husband and tell him that what he is doing is hurting you because he really may not know. Sure he will be upset about the snooping, but you have to decide what is more important. Trust you will spend the rest of your marriage snooping if you dont talk to him and set some ground rules and BELIEVE ME that is no life.
Hope this helps and I will keep you in my prayers.
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RE: Dont know what to think. - 5/19/2008 10:09:44 AM
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aimeeK03
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Thank you so much for your response that makes me feel so much better and not so along in this situation. Also it gives me encouragement. I need to trust God and also straighten up my life and hopefully that will influence him to also do so and Ill be able to confront him about this.
Can I ask you.. to see how similar our husbands thinking was. with your husbands last relationship, who ended the relationship, him or her?
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RE: Dont know what to think. - 5/19/2008 10:17:35 AM
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mindonfocus07
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She ended the relationship because he was dating another girl at another school. They dated senior year in high school and once refered to each other as "first loves"... Five LONG years later he sees the difference between puppy love and true love. It doesnt have to take you that long though and I pray it doesnt. We were both VERY hard headed and refused to listen to one another and more importantly to God.
I totally agree with you, the healing cannot start until you both open up to one another and come to some common ground. Othewise you will be counting the time wasted.....
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RE: Dont know what to think. - 5/19/2008 10:26:36 AM
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aimeeK03
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Oh he was 2 timing her huh! lol jj. sounds like a high school relationship to me.
That is exactly what my husbands relationship was with his ex. it was his senior year then after graduating for a few months.
Sometimes I wonder if its not just that.. its easy to think back to your puppy love days and remember those intense first feelings. It was so infatuation, not many people know true love that young. Heck I could think back to my HS sweetheart and find some good feelings memories. SO maybe my husband, in tough and dull times of our marriage (cause we all know it has its moments) felt like he missed those feelings back then.. I dunno. I know we have had it rough but True love is deeper and not based on feelings. The truth is though the way him and I are living with our bad partying habits, we are acting like HS kids ourselves, WITH the tough and hard responsibilies of being adults and a married couple.
I hope I can help him realize that and focus on us.
< Message edited by aimeeK03 -- 5/19/2008 10:33:47 AM >
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RE: Dont know what to think. - 5/19/2008 10:34:09 AM
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Rachel_79
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i agree, you should really sit down and calmly discuss this. Don't be accusatory just inquisitive. I think if he is visiting her page this often and sending her messages then it is disrespectful. My "first love" contacted me through myspace a few years ago, I am married but I was very happy to hear from him and to hear what has been going on in his life. But that was it a total of 2 messages. AND I told my husband the minute I received the first message just to be sure there would never be a misunderstanding.
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RE: Dont know what to think. - 5/19/2008 5:18:00 PM
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mindonfocus07
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quote:
its easy to think back to your puppy love days and remember those intense first feelings
AWWW high school, life seemed so much simpler then. It is much easier to think back to those times and think that things may have been so much easier if only.... but the truth is life in HS and REAL LIFE are so very different. The feelings that we have for people in HS, while they may feel strong, are always based on a limited knowledge of life.
My DH and I have been married for 3 1/2 years and I cannot tell you that they have all been good. I can't even tell you that they have been mostly good, but what I will tell you is that every fight has been worth it. It is through those fights that I realized that I can only change me. Yeah I know that my DH can be immature and selfish sometimes, but my nagging will never change that. By allowing God to work on me and to change me I can only hope to inspire change in him. If you are unhappy with your life and the partying I suggest that is a place to start working on you.
If you dont mind my asking how old are you and your husband?
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RE: Dont know what to think. - 5/20/2008 9:25:19 AM
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aimeeK03
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IM 24 he is 26
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RE: Dont know what to think. - 5/20/2008 6:04:18 PM
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mindonfocus07
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You arent that much older than my husband and I ( I will be 23 in july he will be 24 in December) so I think we are facing a lot of the same issues being young married couples. At time I think my husband feels like he is missing out because he has a lot of single friends from HS that he started talking to again and they all seem to be living these interesting and fun lives. It is hard finding a balance when you want to have fun live saved AND keep a marriage together.
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RE: Dont know what to think. - 5/23/2008 12:27:08 AM
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susiewho
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My husband and I both have MySpace pages and keep up with friends and family on them. We have both been contacted by ex's on them and we both look at them as old friends. If we had wanted to be with that person we would have been but we choose the person we are with. But, we also have each others passwords, kind of an "open disclosure". When an ex boyfriend contacted me while he was having problems with his marriage I helped him understand a wifes point of view and the importance of marriage in a Christian home. They have reconciled and are working on mending their problems.
If the ex is living her life righteously in Christ she may be an encouragement to your marriage or just curious about how your family is doing. Talk to your husband. Don't accuse him of anything just bring up that you noticed he has a MySpace page. Another idea is to see if he would change it to a family page. My younger brother and his wife share a page. It's great, I can keep up with both of them and my adorable niece's all on one page.
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RE: Dont know what to think. - 5/23/2008 8:13:35 PM
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james12-5
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I am confused. You have been with this guy for 12 years total according to your OP. You also say you are 24 so you have been with him since you were 12. You also say there is someone else who was your high school sweetie and that you had sex with your now husband almost as soon as you got together...at 12. Something doesn't add up here.
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RE: Dont know what to think. - 5/24/2008 4:55:25 PM
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PatricksPeaches
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From: Michigan
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Could it be that he simply wants to remain friends with her, without any romantic involvement? I do think you should discuss this with him, in a very calm and rational manner.
Dusty
[/quote]
I don't think that it is possible to just "remain friends" with someone you once had a romantic relationship with. If it is a once in awhile thing like just saying hi, then maybe but it you are talking about a friendship that is an ongoing thing, then no.
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RE: Dont know what to think. - 6/27/2008 2:04:55 PM
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aimeeK03
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what I meant was we have been dating/married for 8 years... sorry. dated for 4 married for 4. Does that make sense? actually I think it is 7. dating 3 married 4.. either way we've been married 4 years! lol sorry.
So Im finally back and I confronted him, he got a little defensive at 1st but SWEARS up and down it means nothing he is just curious about her life and cares for her as a friend, and that they dont even talk. I believe they dont talk cause I saw in his inbox and sent folder they hardly have.. BUT what bothers me is how much he looks at her page. for a while for months at a time it was almost every day literally! it finally slowed down. I guess I should be happy cause more recent it was only weekly or so. NOW I have no idea cause he is making sure to delete his internet files.
Visiting a little I wouldnt be worried but with the fact that even at one point for such an extended amount of time he almost looked an obbsessed amount ya know..
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RE: Dont know what to think. - 7/7/2008 3:15:36 PM
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aimeeK03
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Does anyone have any thoughts or insight based on my update above? sorry to be a pest but I am still sirring over this and what I should think.
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RE: Dont know what to think. - 7/7/2008 3:50:56 PM
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Hislittleone
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If it bothers you then ask him to stop looking at her page and communicating with her. You are his wife and because of that he will hopefully honor your request.
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RE: Dont know what to think. - 7/7/2008 5:46:40 PM
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hlyfvrd1
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Pray and ask God to reveal to you what you need to see. If it's really something, then it will be revealed to you. You don't have to go behind him on the computer looking for it. When we go looking, that's when our imaginations run wild:(
Talk with him about how it makes you feel. However, be prepared for how he may come back on the defense. Make sure he understands that you just want to be sure he's happy with you. If he says it's nothing, then you've got to try to trust and let God handle the rest.
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RE: Dont know what to think. - 7/7/2008 9:13:36 PM
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justjennhere
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quote:
ORIGINAL: aimeeK03
NOW I have no idea cause he is making sure to delete his internet files.
This is still a red flag. I think the bigger issue here is not the other woman but the fact that your husband is trying (even after being confronted) to hide things from you. I would sit down and have an honest heart-to-heart NOT about this woman and his previous relationship but about honesty and open communication in your marriage. Set down some boundaries. If you have to get rid of Internet access, then get rid of it. Leave no room for that temptation, if this is indeed (and it sounds like it is!) an avenue for your husband to keep things from you.
I'm sorry, but I have to say it again -- THERE SHOULD BE NO SECRETS IN A MARRIAGE. There simply isn't a "my business" and "your business" after you marry. If your husband has given you reason to doubt his intentions, then you need not feel like you must apologize for confronting him. As his wife, you (and he, as your husband) should not feel as if anything is off limits. Internet networking is a dangerous, dangerous thing when spouses keep passwords from one another, don't give full disclosure about email accounts and web pages, etc.
I'm praying that you will be able to speak to these issues in such a way that your husband will understand how deeply his secret keeping has affected you. No husband who truly desires to make his marriage work and honor his wife would continue doing these things.
< Message edited by justjennhere -- 7/7/2008 9:20:07 PM >
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