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Down to tough love - 10/29/2009 11:05:51 AM
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gmcspice
Posts: 656
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I am at my total wits end with my 15 year old daughter. She takes off from home without permission, has started having relations with boys and is flunking out of school.
Every time I take things from her, she throws a temper tantrum and curses at me and tells me I am a bad mom. I know in my past that I wasn't the greatest mom but she blames me for everything. Recently she was diagnosed with ADHD and put on medication which she refuses to take. She has cursed out her teachers and been suspended tons of times for misconduct. Now, I am here filling out paperwork to have her placed into a home for kids like her. My heart is heavy because I love her so much and I don't want to do this. I didn't want it to come to this. I have had her in therapy and all to try and help her. I am wondering if I am doing the right thing for her and I am praying that God orders my steps in the right way to help her grow up happy and healthy. I just don't want to do this and it turn out to be the wrong thing and she gets worse and ends up hating me.
HELP!!!! I need prayer and advice on what I should do!
_____________________________
To have friends, you have to be a friend!
gmcspice4GOD
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RE: Down to tough love - 10/29/2009 11:10:09 AM
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bolt.
Posts: 1766
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Sometimes kids hate us for doing the right things. Sometimes they get worse no matter what others do... Sin is like that.
As for your actual situation...
Are you talking about a group home (gov't run) or some kind of reform-camp, special school etc? Is it temporary or permanent? What plans do you have for continuing relationship with her? Is her dad involved at all?
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
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RE: Down to tough love - 10/29/2009 11:27:49 AM
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gmcspice
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quote:
Are you talking about a group home (gov't run) or some kind of reform-camp, special school etc? Is it temporary or permanent? What plans do you have for continuing relationship with her? Is her dad involved at all?
The group home I am sending her to is actually private but since she has medicaid, they will pay for it. It will offer her a strict environment and they will have access to her counselor and her psychiatrist that she sees for her ADHA medicine. It is temporary but they can keep her up until she is 18 if I ask them to, depending on how she reacts to all of this. Here in North Carolina, They have a boot camp for kids like her but I can't send her until she is 16 and she has to choose to go. My plan is to let her stay in the group home(it will be all girls like her, so no boys), and then when she turns 16, give her the option to either stay there or go to the boot camp. I will be allowed to see her as long as she is following the rules and I will be able to talk to her on the phone so, They aren't going to cut her off from me. They are also going to allow who ever I choose to be able to see her. I have listed 2 of the ladies from our church to be able to see her. One is her Sunday school teacher who she really looks up to. So, I am hoping that will help her. As for her dad, she doesn't have one. He past away when she was about 2 years old and I have had to raise her on my own. The only reason I haven't remarried is because I haven't felt like God has sent the right one for me even though I am open to it and when it happens I am sure God will let me know.
I have felt that part of the reason she is like this is because she hasn't had a Father figure in her life with the exception of my dad, her grandfather. The situation at home has been part of why she is doing this. We live with my parents will both were at home but my mom is now in a nursing home because he has severe dementia. My dad is home with me but he has cancer and she is very close to both of them.
_____________________________
To have friends, you have to be a friend!
gmcspice4GOD
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RE: Down to tough love - 10/29/2009 11:34:23 AM
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laura...
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From: NE Ohio
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quote:
Recently she was diagnosed with ADHD
A large proportion of kids diagnosed with ADHD really need a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. The behavior you are describing sounds more like Bipolar. The problem is that in some states (I don't know if it is true of NC) is that a diagnoses of major mental illness is not allowed to be given to minors. (I know, it's crazy.) Talk to her psych about that possibility.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: Down to tough love - 10/29/2009 12:19:58 PM
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SurpassingPeace
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quote:
The situation at home has been part of why she is doing this. We live with my parents will both were at home but my mom is now in a nursing home because he has severe dementia. My dad is home with me but he has cancer and she is very close to both of them.
Have you considered getting her counseling for this? I am sitting here and wondering how I would deal with this at 15. Her father died when she was 2 and now two more people that she loves are in danger of being taken from her. She must be hurting so badly.
Please don't think I am telling you that you are doing the wrong thing. I honestly don't know. I just reread and you said you have had her in therapy. Does her couselor think this group home is best for her? On one hand, I am not sure if taken you away from her at this point is the right thing but on the other hand I am not sure what you can do to get her on the right track.
I am really sorry you are having to deal with this. I will be praying for you in this.
Karen
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RE: Down to tough love - 10/29/2009 1:03:02 PM
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gmcspice
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quote:
A large proportion of kids diagnosed with ADHD really need a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. The behavior you are describing sounds more like Bipolar. The problem is that in some states (I don't know if it is true of NC) is that a diagnoses of major mental illness is not allowed to be given to minors. (I know, it's crazy.) Talk to her psych about that possibility.
You aren't the first person to ask me that and I am starting to believe that maybe she is. With all that she does it sure is pointing me in that direction. I will definitely ask her psychiatrist about it the next time I take my daughter to see her.
quote:
Please don't think I am telling you that you are doing the wrong thing. I honestly don't know. I just reread and you said you have had her in therapy. Does her counselor think this group home is best for her? On one hand, I am not sure if taken you away from her at this point is the right thing But on the other hand I am not sure What you can do to get her on the right track.
I know you aren't. And removing her is something that I really don't want to do because of the state of mind she is in. The biggest problem besides her attitude is her not taking her meds like she should and I can't seem to get her to take them like she should either. But the home situation is why I am struggling to make this decision.
What if something happens while she is away? And will they allow me to get her is something does happen.
the thing is, she was responding well to therapy until she met the boy she messed with. Then all that work just went down the toilet and now she is blaming for everything when all I am trying to do is help her. I don't even do the corporal punishment anymore. Just grounding but that doesn't work anymore. She just rebels against it. I have prayed and prayed and I have even thought about changing her schools but if I don't address the issues she has with herself, changing her schools will just be a band-aid instead of fixing the problem.
quote:
I am really sorry you are having to deal with this. I will be praying for you in this.
Thank you so much for your prayers all of you! God says that where 2 or 3 are gathered in HIS name, touching and agreeing, HE is in the midst of them and if we believe with the faith of a grain of a mustard seed, he will fix it according to his will and purpose and for his glory. I am praying that I won't have to do this but if God leads me to, then I have to abide but what God says no matter what I feel about it.
_____________________________
To have friends, you have to be a friend!
gmcspice4GOD
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RE: Down to tough love - 10/29/2009 4:13:34 PM
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TXRedhead
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I think this sounds like a good plan for your family at this time. Your daughter will be able to get personalized counseling and will, hopefully, be able to find a medication that can help her with her behavior disorder [which may be ADHD and/or bi-polarism or something else]. Sometimes, just the major break from the environment where they will constantly fall back into bad behaviors can make a big change for a youth.
It doesn't sound to me like you're doing this flippantly but thoughtfully. It sounds like you're doing this for her good down the line as well as for the whole family's good in the present. You can only do the best you can do and remain prayerful that God will give you and your daughter wisdom in making the best choices.
I hope they're able to really work with and help your daughter with her problems. I think staying with her through the experience will let her know that this is done from love, even though she will accuse you verbally of being hateful.
God bless you in this time.
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RE: Down to tough love - 10/31/2009 2:32:56 PM
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cynthia
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I feel terrible for you and wish I could give you a real hug.
A couple things jumped out at me:
I have ADHD, but I am not on medication. Over the last 12 years, I have learned how to overcome a lot of the problems associated with ADHD and am doing very well at this point. I understand that you are concerned about your daughter not taking her meds, I cannot imagine how that would cause the problems you are describing. There is more going on with your daughter than ADHD and whether or not she is taking her meds is probably the least of what ought to be concerning you. In other words, don't worry about that right now. It is unlikely to make any difference for her at this point.
You must be under a huge amount of stress. Not only with your daughter, but with your parents as well. My father has a brain injury and is in a nursing home. Dealing with that is stressful enough, but with all the other things going on in your life, I am wondering what kind of support you have and when you have a chance to take a break and relax.
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RE: Down to tough love - 11/2/2009 9:26:28 AM
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gmcspice
Posts: 656
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Well, here is an update. I have been praying and so have y'all and my church body here, and She is still doing the same things. I had asked God to let me know if this was his will for me to send her away and I am guessing that it is. My heart doesn't want to But I know that is just my flesh because She is my daughter and I love her so much. This weekend, I let her go out for a little while to hang out with her friends after She and I had a serious talk about her behavior. She promised She would be home at 11:30 that night. She didn't get home until Sunday evening around 5:30 pm. No phone call, nothing. I was so worried But I knew God has his hand of protection around her because of our prayers. But that was also my answer too. She had hardened her heart to me and all the people who love her. SO, I am just going to have to cut her loose. God can't do the work on her if I am still holding on. The only way for me to let go is to literally let her go. But please still keep me and her and our family in your prayers. I finally told her yesterday that unless God changes things, and works a miracle(which I know he can!), her papa, my dad, is dying because his cancer is spreading. After talking to him yesterday, he knows that it all in God's hands and FINALLY! he is trusting God to help him get his house in order no matter what ever God has planned for him.
_____________________________
To have friends, you have to be a friend!
gmcspice4GOD
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RE: Down to tough love - 11/2/2009 11:08:25 AM
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bolt.
Posts: 1766
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
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It does sound like your answer. But be sure to visit her and support her, visit daily, at very least, plus phone calls, letters, cards and gifts... You don't stop being her parent just because she's not living at your home for now. And do get in on any kind of stuff they offer for the parents to be learning and trying out. Perhaps they will even give you one-on-one help to improve and secure your relationship with her, if you ask.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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