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He asked, I told him, now he's unhinged. - 10/12/2009 12:57:40 AM
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PatienceW
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Joined: 10/11/2009
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One year ago, my husband and I had a huge falling out. I discovered pornography on the family computer and also a video my husband secretly made of the next door neighbor in her backyard (she was unaware she was being taped).
I would've left him, but instead, he agreed to counseling. We both went.
During that time, I was still very angry and sad. I developed an attraction to an acquaintance. I never approached this man about it, but I did go out of my way to see him and speak to him. I nurtured this attraction for a couple months, until I decided to remove myself the situation entirely.
Since then, my husband and I have healed our relationship and have enjoyed a strong, intimate year. However, last week, my husband asked me to tell him all the "secrets" he's never known about through our entire past (we do have a history of betrayals). He said he wanted to know everything, that he'd prepared himself for anything I could tell him, and that he'd already accepted it. He said this was a last step to his healing, and that he wouldn't attack me about any of it.
So I told him every unsavory thing about my past, including the attraction last year.
Now, he's devastated and tormented, and he's not coping well with it. It's affecting our marriage in a terrible way. He's constantly angry, won't speak to me much, and he's irritable, which leads to several disagreements and arguments about completely unrelated things.
I realize he needs time to heal, but I wasn't expecting our marriage to fall apart. I trusted his reassurances, but I think we both assumed he would be stronger than he's capable of.
I'm expecting him home from a two-week out-of-town trip tomorrow, and I have a feeling he's going to carry his anger and frustration home with him. I expect he'll give the the silent treatment and pick fights with me over small things.
I'm feeling fearful, guilty, and angry all at the same time. I don't know how to cope with my own feelings, much less help him through what he's feeling.
How should I act around him? Should I go above and beyond to comfort him and be in his presence at all times? Should I keep my distance? What if he gets angry and begins to pick a fight with me? What if he "vents" and rants his frustrations at me? I want to be there for him, but I don't want to just allow him to treat me poorly.
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RE: He asked, I told him, now he's unhinged. - 10/12/2009 3:52:47 AM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1466
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You mentioned that you both have a history of betrayals. Did you tell him anything else when he asked that was along these lines? Ie were there any other betrayals that you told him about that would have made him so hurt? I only ask as what you said abut this other man wasnt that serious (although wrong) to have made him react that badly, after all, you didnt tell the guy, nothing happened between you either physically or emotionally and you removed yourself from the situation pretty quickly. So what else did you tell him?You mentioned every unsavory thing about your past. Were there many thingsthat he didnt know about and what were they.ie were any of them affairs or simliar?
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RE: He asked, I told him, now he's unhinged. - 10/12/2009 4:38:04 AM
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rockominal
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From: Indiana
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You've already given enough information in your post as far as I'm concerned. It should really be capped off right there. I'm gonna take a stab in the dark, albeit a stab with the skill of a marksman and with the precision of my exacto knive, that your boy's pride has been wounded badly. Sometimes an element of pride is OK, and many times it's just dead weight. Like a sack of bricks or something. I don't mean to put this reconciliation burden on your shoulders, but I mean just f.y.i., so you know what you're workin' with. If the guy's out of town, maybe make a couple of phone calls and say, "what's goin on?" Hope everything's cool, just doing some stuff around here. Maybe segue off the subject or something.
Reminds me of this movie on TV recently with Robert Culp and Dianne Cannon, "Bob and Carol". They were a bit too open minded to say the least, except for Dianne Cannon. But otherwise this stuff can be like a noose around your neck. Hopefully, some day he can take pictures of you outside, or something like that, and just move on. You both can look at pictures he takes of you. Who knows? Just some kinda effort. That pride thing can be nasty, to say the least. It shure would be great to flip to the next chapter and wind this one up.
_____________________________
I might tell you the truth, or something pretty close to it. Jesus says, "I Am the Truth."
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RE: He asked, I told him, now he's unhinged. - 10/12/2009 5:51:57 AM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1466
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I dont think she has given enough info at all. if she has told him for example of a time that she cheated then his reaction is perfectly understandable and anyone would react the same. if she only said what she has told us them he is over reacting rather considering that he had also done stupid things. BIG difference. .
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RE: He asked, I told him, now he's unhinged. - 10/12/2009 10:03:54 AM
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DaveW
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As to whether she "told enough" or not is not the issue. The fact that her husband reacted the way he did after stating that he was prepared for anything is.To : Welcome to the forums!
First, he was wrong to ask such a thing.
Second, you were wrong to answer without at least first discussing all these details with your counselor who may have had a better perspective on what he was ready to hear and what he was NOT ready to hear.
NOW, what to do? PRAY and pray hard.
Then, go talk to your counselor(s) with or without your husband and get their perspective on it. They are much better in tune with where you both are than any of us on this list can possibly be. Follow their instructions.
_____________________________
Avatar is my daughter Laura and SIL David on their wedding 9/20/09 ====================================
Our CD is now available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
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RE: He asked, I told him, now he's unhinged. - 10/12/2009 10:55:21 AM
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Auben
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Frankly, for a troubled marriage that's never a good question without a dedicated counselor, and even then you usually go through things one at a time never all at once.
The reason is that people are rarely prepared for these kind of things. They're still vulnerable. Also because some men use this as an excuse that their behavior was 'normal.' After all, if you had a crush on some guy for a few months when he hurt you what's the different between that and what he did? It becomes justification for their act.
Perhaps I'm a little cynical on this issue. I've seen a few men 'get upset' and then use it as a thumbscrew on their wives to get them to accept their behavior in the future. Its manipulative.
Truth is good, but when a relationship is shaky and lacks trust, truth can hurt. It can be manipulated. It can destroy. Obviously he wasn't ready for this information. Get back to your counselor fast!
_____________________________
Tamara
~Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time~
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RE: He asked, I told him, now he's unhinged. - 10/12/2009 10:58:44 AM
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jhuperetes
Posts: 472
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Sometimes we ask for things we don't really want to know.
As DaveW said, I would get serious counseling, both individual and couples.
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RE: He asked, I told him, now he's unhinged. - 10/12/2009 11:07:36 AM
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buckifn
Posts: 1745
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Have you guys ever discussed the word boundaries? It sounds like you have none and I don't know how there could ever be a healthy marriage without them.
Maybe you could get the book Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend.
You can find it here -http://www.growthtrac.com/boundaries-in-marriage.php
and read an excerpt of it here -http://www.parable.com/cbn/item.Boundaries-in-Marriage.9780310243144.htm
counseling for both of you needs to happen asap
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RE: He asked, I told him, now he's unhinged. - 10/12/2009 11:08:30 AM
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Dr.JuliaChicken
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First of all, put yourself in your husband's place. Yes, he wanted to know... he had great hopes that there wasn't much to know. Unfortunately, his great fear was real.
He is suffering. He is not wrong to suffer - is he?
To know that your great love and partner was even the slightest bit interested in someone else is extremely painful (and hard to believe).
You know that it is/was wrong. Make sure that he understands how wrong, sick, demented (LOL) you were to ever have insane thoughts (that were probably ungrounded, only based on fantasy).
I would suggest this article if you're in the mood or have the time...
What Is Forgiveness?
_____________________________
Nothing ventured - Nothing failed
http://www.advice-with-dr-julia.com
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RE: He asked, I told him, now he's unhinged. - 10/12/2009 11:11:15 AM
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seagullplayer
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I think the two of you need to sit down with your Pastor.
_____________________________
The world has only one problem, sin.
There is only one solution, Jesus.
Seems a lot of people watch evangelist on TV and call it going to church.
My kids use to play Mario Cart and think they where driving…
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RE: He asked, I told him, now he's unhinged. - 10/12/2009 12:28:51 PM
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bolt.
Posts: 1759
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
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quote:
How should I act around him? Should I go above and beyond to comfort him and be in his presence at all times? Should I keep my distance? What if he gets angry and begins to pick a fight with me? What if he "vents" and rants his frustrations at me? I want to be there for him, but I don't want to just allow him to treat me poorly.
1. Get back with your trusted counselor from back-when you got through things before.
2. Act normally. To him it's like it just happened, but it was ages ago to you. I assume you are over it. No distance, no over-the-top attempts at comforting. It's his journey.
3. If he picks a fight with you, keep your cool. He's hurt. Like a friendly pet that might bite people when he's been injured and is in pain. Don't blame him, don't get sucked in... but don't stand for mistreatment.
Something like, "You're really bothered about me forgetting to put sour cream in the mashed potatoes. I know you don't really like them without. I'm sorry about that. I know I could be more considerate if I was more focused on you. I'll be giving that more of my effort from now on. However, this had better be the end of the shouting and swearing, or I'll be spending the rest of the evening at Starbucks."
If he's actually talking about the issue, cut him some slack if his voice raises... but not too much. Say what you need to to let him know you've heard him, grasped his point and can see his perspective. (Do not do this with sarcasm or creative rephrasing to emphasise what you think is wrong about his thinking.)
--- This does not mean that you agree with his perspective, just that you see it. There is no reason, during an episode of anger, to even express that you don't agree with what you understand him to be saying. You do not need to talk about your perspective or defend yourself, no matter how out to lunch he is, or if he's making wild accusations. This will take a lot of self control, but you can save your side to discuss reasonably with the help of your counselor. Just because he wants to air his emotions wildly, with anger, in your home, does not mean that you have to make the same choice. ---
Then (after expressing your grasp of his perspective) say, again, about toning things down or you'll be giving him time alone to cool off.
Be prepared to head for Starbucks, or sleep on the couch in a cool, collected way. It's not the end of the world to create space for the sake of preventing him from hurting you in his anger. There will be plenty of counselling sessions where he will be able to express himself.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: He asked, I told him, now he's unhinged. - 10/12/2009 1:21:13 PM
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Lyrach
Posts: 133
Joined: 10/20/2008
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Wow. I agree with Tamara's post : Perhaps I'm a little cynical on this issue. I've seen a few men 'get upset' and then use it as a thumbscrew on their wives to get them to accept their behavior in the future. Its manipulative.
I also agree w/ 3cappucinos post and bolts. All excellent posts. I say get to a counselor a.s.a.p. I am going myself (and dragging my dh along to discuss "my problem" with past sins - the ones that were hidden from me, oh, and the repentance has already supposedly taken place too, behind my back, so it's all good, no need to share it with me.)...I say go to a counselor. I know how horrible it must seem. I agree too with your man's pride being hurt - first by his betrayal, and then your response. I also say that you seek on your part repentance as well. Do all you can to get your relationship right w/God - it's about HIS standards, not yours or your dh's . Men have a "funny" disposition when it comes to sexual sin. What I mean is , there are a lot of suddenly "gray areas" for these men of God who can quote scripture like there ain't no tomorrow. Pretty interesting.  .
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RE: He asked, I told him, now he's unhinged. - 10/12/2009 2:24:04 PM
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DeliveredDarling
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What you both need to remember is that forgiveness is the answer.
Forgive each other, recognizing that we all do hurtful things to the people we love sometimes.
_____________________________
"Now no one after lighting a lamp covers it over with a container, or puts it under a bed: but he puts it on a lampstand, in order that those who come in may see the light."
Luke 8:16
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RE: He asked, I told him, now he's unhinged. - 10/12/2009 2:48:14 PM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1466
Joined: 3/13/2009
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The thing is that Patience said she told him every unsavoury thing about her past, so there may well have been much much more that hurt him than we realise. I am actually amazed that a couple can be married and not have been open and honest about the past before. To me honesty in marriage is paramount and if we have been keeping things from each other then that is not good..
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RE: He asked, I told him, now he's unhinged. - 10/12/2009 4:33:37 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 538
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quote:
my husband asked me to tell him all the "secrets" he's never known about through our entire past (we do have a history of betrayals). He said he wanted to know everything, that he'd prepared himself for anything I could tell him, and that he'd already accepted it. He said this was a last step to his healing, and that he wouldn't attack me about any of it.
*It would of been very advisable to do this in counseling sessions over time - don't fall for this" let's tell all our secrets" again. Every time I've heard about people doing this - it has blown up in their face!
Do not pass GO - Do not collect two hundred dollars - Return to counseling immediately!
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RE: He asked, I told him, now he's unhinged. - 10/13/2009 3:45:43 AM
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PatienceW
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Thank you so much, friends, for offering your spirit-filled counsel, even being unaware of all the details. I deeply appreciate the range of perspectives offered here, and I believe each served a purpose for me.
First, many of you mentioned the different emotions my husband may be dealing with. Though his anger and humiliation have crossed my mind, I don't think I was able to truly step into his shoes and consider his feelings until now. Maybe "hearing" it from someone other than him helped me step out of myself and try to imagine the reality of his pain without the filter of my own ego. That's helped me find true compassion for him, which I've needed to do before I could genuinely repent in my heart.
Second, a lot of you expressed the folly of "telling all," especially without the guidance of a counselor. Though I knew this going into this situation, I ignored my instinct and went ahead anyway. I can tell you I honestly, honestly told him these things in the spirit of trying to help him and give him what he needed, but it was poor judgment, and I won't make the same mistake again -- especially without a mediator there.
Last, I have a praise report. Last night after I posted this message, I spent a lot of time in prayer, and my husband called me out of the blue. It was completely unexpected. Even though I was anxious and fearful, God gave me compassion and courage, and I immediately offered my husband an abundance of reassurance and loving support. He responded to that in a profound way, and I think we both reached a place of healing I didn't think we'd see for many months.
He came home this morning, and we welcomed each other with open arms. There has been no tension, no sadness, no anger. On the contrary, we took some much needed time alone away from the house, talking and enjoying each other's company. We're leaving in two days for a week camping, away from routine, so we can immerse in each other and our family.
Only God could soften our hearts this way and break down the barriers between us. Only God could give us kind words and compassion after such a terrible confrontation. God is so, so good, and SO merciful!
Thank you again for your brotherly/sisterly love and advice, and for your prayers.
The glory is His...
Patience
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RE: He asked, I told him, now he's unhinged. - 10/13/2009 12:21:59 PM
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Lyrach
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Nate79
quote:
ORIGINAL: Lyrach
Men have a "funny" disposition when it comes to sexual sin. What I mean is , there are a lot of suddenly "gray areas" for these men of God who can quote scripture like there ain't no tomorrow. Pretty interesting. .
No gray areas is sin. Who said that?
Nate- what I mean is that I have seen, heard, and experienced that a lot of men (and women for that matter) start citing differences in "perception" when it comes to God's law - which, (as you previously mentioned) leads to sin. Sin is the grey area. I recommend counseling to go through these past secrets. I agree with open communication. You cannot and will not move forward without being completely honest with one another. Love keeps no records of wrongs - and, love rejoices with the truth. There's a reason why those exist together.
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