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How to resolve conflict when we don't agree? - 6/10/2008 6:40:38 PM
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stillovinhim
Posts: 34
Joined: 4/16/2008
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Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 1:59 pm Post subject: How to resolve conflicts when you don't agree?
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Hi, I have really been struggling alot with how to resolve conflicts. Ever since my husbands infidelity which happened 18 yrs ago (I found out 2 years ago) I am really struggling with how to resolve things in the "trust" area. Basically I either think he should or shouldn't do something but he disagrees and we end up fighting about it and never really coming to an agreement. Alot of it is over me not trusting him yet. Let me say that he does do all the basic things such as calls accounts for time ect. I just don't know how to resolve these things because me myself doesn't know if I'm expecting too much or if my expectations are rational. One of our conflicts is he has a dirtbiking hobby, we (the family) usually always goes but there are times I can't go. Is is wrong for me to not let him go when there are other females there riding with them? usually they are a spouse or girlfriend. He thinks that shouldn't bother me but it does because I guess I don't trust him in the way of who else he will meet out there. Sometimes he will hook up with some other riders out there even though he doesn't know them but he doesn't know who is in their group. So anyways my question is how do you resolve these things when you can't come to an agreement on things, how do I know if I'm expecting too much or if Im crossing the line in my expectations. This is just one example. When he told me about his infidelity at that time he was very sick, he didnt think he would ever be able to do dirtbiking again, during this time he said things to me like I would give up dirtbiking to save our marriage, I know that it is a hobby and he loves doing it but at the same time I dont' feel he would ever put us above that, its more important to him, especially because when he told me this I felt comfort not that I would ever want him to give it up or make that an option but I said well what about if you do get past this will this all change he reassured me it would not, well now he says the opposite, if he has to go alone he will because it's hobby or I need to make sure I can go. How do you resolve conflicts like this? again maybe I'm expecting way to much and maybe I'm wrong too but how do I know this? I know I can't make him not go it's his choice I can only express my feelings but how do you go on loving and respecting someone. Conflicts are very hard to resolve when we don't agree, I want to resolve this how God wants me to and I just don't know how.any advice would be nice
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RE: How to resolve conflict when we don't agree? - 6/10/2008 7:07:13 PM
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my quivers full
Posts: 77
Joined: 4/22/2005
From: Canada
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Please take it from a guy who has broken trust with his wife as well. I did not have an affair but trust is something that must be earned. The fact that it took 16 years for him to come clean doesn't speak well for his repentance. This is only my opinion. You have every right not to trust him and he needs to understand that trust that is easily given is not worth much at all.
Unfortunatley this does speak to how casually we take sin. We act like we can just repent and all is well. We may receive forgivness but the wounds caused by our actions or words can take years to heal. When we are so reminded of the hurt we have caused we don't like what we see. We should be brokenhearted over the suffering we have caused and when possible mend and restore. Instead we get angry with the person we hurt because our wound is still there. Like it's thier fault we wounded them. How selfish of us.
Disagreements will be solved when we choose to obey Christ's commandment to love one another as we love ourselves. This doesn't mean you let him do whatever he wants and let him walk all over you. This means you treat him with love and respect. You voice your thoughts and feelings in this manner and let him decide. If he is loving you as christ commanded husbands to love thier wives, then he will consider your thoughts and feelings and will respond out of love and repsect for you. Love is about serving one another, not ourselves and certainly not with the expectation of receiving back. The command is simple, "Love one another"
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No trees were hurt in the making of this post, but a few electrons were terribly inconvienenced :)
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RE: How to resolve conflict when we don't agree? - 6/10/2008 8:56:38 PM
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stillovinhim
Posts: 34
Joined: 4/16/2008
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thanks so much for you response. I understand what you are saying and I have read alot of passages about love and respect. The part I don't understand is how the conflicts will be resolved when we obey Christ if we simply don't agree. How does a person such as myself know if I'm out of line for these expectations or if he is, one of us needs to bend to the other person if that makes sense, that's where I have a hard time. I just simply don't know what's appropriate and what's not anymore. If I treat him with love and respect and voice how I feel and he still chooses to go do I just keep praying ad love and respect him? See again that's where I'm really confused, I dont' want to be overstepping and be controlling of something that shouldn't be. It's not like he's going out to a bar or club or something he's going dirtbike riding, in my opinion right now I would stop him from leaving the house so I know I could trust him. Thanks again sorry I'm so confused on this. I want to do the right thing by God, sometimes I think I should just divorce him after his infidelity but I wanted to work this out but then when these situations come up I get so confused and we just seem like we battle back and forth and get no where and divorce seems better but I know that's not what God wants for us. Thanks again
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RE: How to resolve conflict when we don't agree? - 6/10/2008 10:47:56 PM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 620
Joined: 7/13/2007
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Excellent post by MyQuiversFull!
Stillovinhim, you are right and your husband is wrong. He should be doing whatever is necessary in order to build trust back. He is acting selfishly, putting his needs and wants before yours. Scripture instructs husbands to love their wives as themselves and as Christ loves the Church. Christ loves the Church selflessly and unconditionally. Husbands are also to live with their wives with understanding. They are also instructed to take care of/provide for their family. (That means taking care of emotional needs as well as physical.) Right now it sounds like your husband is loving himself more than he's loving you.
These books are excellent resources that you could give to him to read. They've been very helpfull for my husband and I.
By Kathy and Joel Davisson
Man of Her Dreams/Woman of His
Livin' It and Lovin' It
http://www.joelandkathy.com/
http://www.joelandkathy.com/boards/index.php
By Ken Nair
Discovering the Mind of A Woman
http://www.lifepartners.org/
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RE: How to resolve conflict when we don't agree? - 6/11/2008 12:11:39 AM
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GroupW
Posts: 2913
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From: Up in the hills of Colorado (very BIG hills...)
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I'll offer a different perspective than HisLittleOne, but since my opinions are freely offered, the phrase "You get what you pay for comes to mind."
Negotiate.
Love is a give and take. If he came clean, even 16 years after the fact, give him some credit for coming clean. Discuss between the two of you what you can live with and what you can't. As an adrenaline junkie myself, giving up some of my habits would create a tremendous frustration and anger over time. My wife knows me and sometimes tells me to (literally) go take a hike and climb something. She knows that I'll come back calmer and more able to relate to her. In the end, we're both better off. We just had to determine when and under what conditions my activities were acceptable. It needs to be a solution that a) you both can agree to that b) meets both your needs, and c) you can live with over the long run. You'll each have to give a little. Sometimes you get surprised and realize that neither has to give all that much. Get creative! You can do it.
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RE: How to resolve conflict when we don't agree? - 6/11/2008 12:52:57 AM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 776
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: online
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Marriage counseling - have you all tried that?
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RE: How to resolve conflict when we don't agree? - 6/11/2008 11:53:24 AM
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stillovinhim
Posts: 34
Joined: 4/16/2008
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Thanks for the advice. so if I am right and he is wrong how do you deal with that when he doesn't see it that way, do I just tell him, "you hurt my feelings when you went knowing how I felt"? and just keep praying?
I agree with GroupW, he did come clean after 16 years, he says he was afraid I would leave, I wonder if God waited so long because that way he could prove to me over the next 16 years he can be faithful. I still just dont understand like with this situation there isn't a compromise its either he goes and he gets what he wants and I'm hurt or he doesn't go he's mad and angry. I don't want to be unreasonable and make an expectation that is not right. I know I can't keep him from contact with any female. This is so hard to understand. Do I just let him go if I can't go and just trust God? I know that is what I'm suppose to do but I feel like he's walking all over me then. Thanks again everyone it really helps
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RE: How to resolve conflict when we don't agree? - 6/11/2008 12:13:20 PM
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evryknee
Posts: 289
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You let him know how you feel. You let him know your fears. These fears were placed by his actions and continue because, as you said, you still do not trust him. That is understandable that you have not put your full trust in him after the adultery and deceipt.
At this point, I'd say fear has had a field day with your marriage (his fear of telling you, leading to deceipt & your fears of an affair occuring again) and to do all you can in your heart & mind not to let fear get the best of you. I'd say let it go - I say this because the affair happened 18 years ago and you found out two years ago. You can't make him act in love towards you, but you can act in love towards him (Perfect love casts out fear). "Allow" him his time to be a man (or boy) in dirtbiking - go when you can - and trust in God that if your hubby's eyes or heart wanders, that He will expose the darkness to the light. Then be sure to schedule a date night shortly thereafter so you can have alone time and work on your relationship with each other (building trust & security).
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RE: How to resolve conflict when we don't agree? - 6/11/2008 1:17:05 PM
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stillovinhim
Posts: 34
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YZGUY, thank you for the encouragement, as crazy as this sounds I need to hear that I need to let it go and trust God, put all this in God's hands, thats what I want to do but its' hard. I do god for awhile then something just hits me and it starts over usually something like this. I have told him how I felt and his resolution to it is I go and so to make it so I can go our 16 year old will just have to find a job not on weekends. I want to say that we don't have alot of conflicts but this is one of the bigger ones that really seems to be the biggest disagreement. When things are going good with us things are great and I know without these things would be very good between us, during those 18 years we had a great relationship and always seems easy to work things out. I was able to love and respect him in spite if these things and I usually felt love back, I have felt there were other things he put before me at times but I felt like all guys were that way, now I am very sensitive to those things. Now it seems VERY hard to show the love and respect when I feel like he is being selfish, I will need to work on that. Like I said I needed to hear that I need to let it go, thanks
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RE: How to resolve conflict when we don't agree? - 6/11/2008 1:56:35 PM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 620
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Have you had counseling since finding out about the affair? What things has your husband done in order to prove his trustworthiness to you (i.e. getting an accountability partner, counseling, growing in his walk with God--that's the most important one, reading relationship books, putting you and the kids above all else---except God etc.)?
At the root of affairs and porn is selfishness and your husband is still exhibiting that when he refuses to put your needs/desires above his own. He is going against Scripture by doing this. I would insist that he get some help for this problem (selfishness, not being a Christlike husband who lays down his life for his wife) or you'll keep on having these sorts of disagreements. And a result of that is that you'll continue to struggle with trusting him (and rightly so). You can't make yourself trust him. That would be fake trust....forced trust. It must be earned back by him.
Also, as far as respect goes, he may not deserve any. The way he's behaving in this situation is not respectable. And I don't believe that when we are commanded to respect our husbands that it's supposed to be unconditional respect. I think it's supposed to be a responsive respect. Either way though (whether I'm right or wrong about that), respecting someone means that you'll help them to be the best person they can be. It means when they're headed down a dangerous path you'll do all you can to stop them. It doesn't mean you just sit by and do nothing. That's not respectful, IMO.
I don't think it's a good idea to let go and let God in this situation. That's basically giving up. Keep praying and let God control your actions but don't just let go and give up. That serves no useful purpose except that it may be the easier thing to do in the short term. It may bring a short season of peace in your home but it won't be lasting because your husband won't have changed anything. And contrary to what many believe, I do think it's possible to strongly influence someone to change. I don't think that's wrong as long as we're influencing them to change for the better (i.e. giving up sinful attitudes/actions).
This affair may have happened 18 yrs ago but you just found out about it 2 yrs ago. So for you (emotionally), it's like it just happened 2 yrs ago, kwim?
< Message edited by Hislittleone -- 6/11/2008 2:07:12 PM >
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RE: How to resolve conflict when we don't agree? - 6/11/2008 3:30:42 PM
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stillovinhim
Posts: 34
Joined: 4/16/2008
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thanks for your opinion hislittleone, I;m not saying that I'm just giving up and putting in all in God's hands, he is still going to need to rebuild trust and do the things he has been doing, I don't fully agree with you at least that's not how I learned it in my Biblical counseling and yes we did do marriage counseling for about 6 mo after I found out but we couldn't afford it anymore. I do believe that I need to trust God more in this situation and I agree with YZGUY. I can't believe that no married couple has ever been faced with this I think everyone has done something that their spouse hasn't wanted them to do I just think in my situation there is more to it, not only is he thinking about himself but we have the infidelity to top it off so it makes it harder because of trust and feelings not that anyone wouldn't be hurt if their spouse did something knowing their spouse didn't want them to but I think you understand what I'm saying, thanks for your input
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RE: How to resolve conflict when we don't agree? - 6/11/2008 6:03:05 PM
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stillovinhim
Posts: 34
Joined: 4/16/2008
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thanks, I guess my whole point is that I don't want to be sitting here saying, you can't do this or that and they are unreasonable demands because of my fears. Like for instance if he wanted to go to a strip club (which I know he would never do but if he did) is obvious, but saying no i dont' want you to go to the grocery store because I'm afraid you'll meet someone in line is unreasonable , but dirtbiking it is an "innocent" thing it's not like he's going out and hanging out drinking or whatever but there are a few and maybe more unlikely it would happen him meeting up with an unattached female but I don't want to be unreasonable in what I don't want him to do. There are other things that he does not do because they make me uncomfortable such as we have a friend that was unfaithful (which he has never told us his son told our daughter, we just know they aren't together) to his wife and he will talk to him only in my presence. and there are other things. My husband nor I go out with just friends we do everything together. I just don't want to make an unreasonable demand just because of my fears. Thanks again
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RE: How to resolve conflict when we don't agree? - 6/11/2008 7:31:33 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 776
Joined: 11/28/2005
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quote:
Thanks for the advice. so if I am right and he is wrong how do you deal with that when he doesn't see it that way, do I just tell him, "you hurt my feelings when you went knowing how I felt"? and just keep praying?
*It's called forgiving him for being unreasonable... I'd relieve the frustrations by heading over to Chuck E Cheese and playing Whackamole! (properly channeling the anger)
I agree with GroupW, he did come clean after 16 years, he says he was afraid I would leave, I wonder if God waited so long because that way he could prove to me over the next 16 years he can be faithful. I still just dont understand like with this situation there isn't a compromise its either he goes and he gets what he wants and I'm hurt or he doesn't go he's mad and angry. I don't want to be unreasonable and make an expectation that is not right.
*I think the real issue is trust - I'm thinking: so what if he came clean after 16 yrs of marriage(what does that do to the relationship once the truth is out? should he be given a trophy? What is troublesome is the long time it took him to come clean!
If it was me - I'd have to be in counseling and possibly take up boxing(or visit Chuck E Cheese a lot) to relieve the anger/disappointment!(how did u channel your anger/hurt ?) Forgiveness is a process - so I'd definitely need to vent first!)
I know I can't keep him from contact with any female. This is so hard to understand. Do I just let him go if I can't go and just trust God? I know that is what I'm suppose to do but I feel like he's walking all over me then. Thanks again everyone it really helps
*Yes, you let go and Trust God -
I've been through finding out about my first husband's adultery, you see he didn't admit nothing! I caught him and then he admitted he cheated! It'd been going on for 2 years (maybe more he couldn't say for sure!)
--- I decided to keep my focus on God - my first husband(unsaved) left - divorced me and married his girlfriend.
By trusting God you're putting yourself in better hands - remember the Proverbs 31 woman composite? The model woman described in Proverbs is a portrait of ideal womanhood. The focus of this portrait is a woman’s relationship with God, not her specific abilities or marital status.
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RE: How to resolve conflict when we don't agree? - 6/13/2008 10:03:48 AM
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buckifn
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there was a time when basketball was pretty much my life...going to the gym..meeting up with the guys was priority number 1 on certain days.
However, after I remarried my wife didn't complain about it, but I saw to it she didn't have to...I cut way back on days scheduled for the gym. If she told me "you can't go there anymore" however we would have a problem. I don't think love tells a person what they cannot do in a marriage...I think the love and trust has to be there to the point it balances itself in a way to make both parties happy.
My wife knows I am not going for an extended period without playing basketball. If your husband needs dirtbiking to unwind every now and then try to love and trust him to the point he can enjoy it without hearing an argument from you. Just my opinion but if he is allowed to enjoy it you will both reap benefits from it later by having peace and relaxation.
Women have their ways to relax and we have ours and for us guys it often involves sports.
What do you enjoy doing to relax? Maybe you could do that during that time he is dirtbiking?
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