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RE: Husband addicted to Pornography - 6/26/2008 12:15:39 AM
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SmyLynn1
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I hate to say it but I have been there and nothing improved over the years. The thing that has changed is that he has made some homemade porn of his own (with other women) and now swaps pornographic photos with real live women now. He just says its just the human body so whats the big deal.
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The Chick in the Chair
Still smyLynn even though I can only chair dance
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RE: Husband addicted to Pornography - 6/26/2008 12:37:24 AM
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karlie
Posts: 16935
Joined: 4/10/2005
From: Central California
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I see this as a very black and white issue. My husband can have me or he can have porn...he would not be getting both. He would be making a choice; He would either deal with the issue and get counseling for the problem, or he would be moving out and taking his filth with him. I would not tolerate for a minute having porn in my home around my daughter. And I refuse to have it around me.
I believe in saving marriages and that all effort should be put into it, but if porn was an issue and he was unwilling to repent and deal with it, I wouldn't be living with him. No marriage will ever be saved by allowing it to continue. It comes down to boundaries and insisting on some respect as the his wife. If there are no serious consequences for engaging in such vile activities, then many men will never give it up.
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You can't stop the waves, but you can learn how to surf.
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RE: Husband addicted to Pornography - 6/26/2008 12:52:56 AM
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PatricksPeaches
Posts: 303
Joined: 5/13/2008
From: Michigan
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SmyLynn1
I hate to say it but I have been there and nothing improved over the years. The thing that has changed is that he has made some homemade porn of his own (with other women) and now swaps pornographic photos with real live women now. He just says its just the human body so whats the big deal.
My eyes about bugged out when I read this!! Are you still married to this person? I am sorry but I would not put up with this at all!!!! I would insist on counseling or some kind of accountability. If he doesn't want to stop, I would have no choice but to separate myself from him until he is ready to deal with it.
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I am not claiming to have all the answers but I'm holding on to the one who does!
-quoted from a song by 33Miles called Come With Me
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RE: Husband addicted to Pornography - 6/26/2008 3:13:21 AM
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OneOfHisJewels
Posts: 2546
Joined: 8/9/2007
From: California
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quote:
ORIGINAL: karlie
I see this as a very black and white issue. My husband can have me or he can have porn...he would not be getting both. He would be making a choice; He would either deal with the issue and get counseling for the problem, or he would be moving out and taking his filth with him. I would not tolerate for a minute having porn in my home around my daughter. And I refuse to have it around me.
I believe in saving marriages and that all effort should be put into it, but if porn was an issue and he was unwilling to repent and deal with it, I wouldn't be living with him. No marriage will ever be saved by allowing it to continue. It comes down to boundaries and insisting on some respect as the his wife. If there are no serious consequences for engaging in such vile activities, then many men will never give it up.
Excellent post. I was thinking along those lines. Continuous, unrepentd of adultery IS Biblical grounds for divorce, and the op's husband, is essentially committing adultery, and not repenting.
And to TenderTeddyHeart, ((((((hugs))))). I am so sorry for this. Sometimes I think it I have difficult times being single, but to be married and going through this is way harder. I hope you can find help.
< Message edited by OneOfHisJewels -- 6/26/2008 3:20:38 AM >
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"We basically use what I have seen referred to as "get off your butt" parenting. It employs more interaction, more redirection, more prevention, and usually less spanking."
-Mrs. Wifey
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RE: Husband addicted to Pornography - 6/26/2008 11:13:55 AM
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chrystar
Posts: 47
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In reading your post, I don’t think the porn itself is really the problem.
Your husband has no job, he sits on his rear with nothing to do, and that is the real problem. I am not any way shape or form condoning the porn. But I think that your husband needs to get up off his lazy "insert adjective here" and get to work!, this alone may take care of the issue of him looking at porn. Remember there is a difference between looking at porn and being addicted to it. Maybe he cannot truly find a job doing culinary work, but he needs to still have a paying job while looking, I know it sounds old-fashioned, but "idleness is the devils hand" is a true statement.
As for the porn itself. As a guy and I would be a hypocrite if I said that I never struggled in that area. To someone who becomes ensnared by this, porn is not about sex and love, it about a high, much like any one who uses a drug or alcohol. Based on what you saying it sound as if he has become interested in this more so because of all his "spare" time, not something you have or haven’t done in your marriage. If you want to find out more about guys and porn, read some of the other excellent forums and posts here and even in the guys section
As for suggestions. I think that the real issue is his not having a job. Arguing with him about porn, while it may seem appropriate may lead down some darker roads best left un-traveled for now, I would suggest framing the argument more so around the lack of the job first. Putting the porn issue aside for a moment, it is completely unacceptable that your husband will not go out and find a job and help support his family. If he finds a job and the porn is still a problem then you know it is an addiction and then you and him it can be deal with it then.
May God be with you......
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zug-zug
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RE: Husband addicted to Pornography - 6/28/2008 12:35:29 AM
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TorchHeart
Posts: 1109
Joined: 6/4/2008
From: One of the coldest places on Earth
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quote:
ORIGINAL: chrystar
In reading your post, I don’t think the porn itself is really the problem.
Your husband has no job, he sits on his rear with nothing to do, and that is the real problem. I am not any way shape or form condoning the porn. But I think that your husband needs to get up off his lazy "insert adjective here" and get to work!, this alone may take care of the issue of him looking at porn. Remember there is a difference between looking at porn and being addicted to it. Maybe he cannot truly find a job doing culinary work, but he needs to still have a paying job while looking, I know it sounds old-fashioned, but "idleness is the devils hand" is a true statement.
As for the porn itself. As a guy and I would be a hypocrite if I said that I never struggled in that area. To someone who becomes ensnared by this, porn is not about sex and love, it about a high, much like any one who uses a drug or alcohol. Based on what you saying it sound as if he has become interested in this more so because of all his "spare" time, not something you have or haven’t done in your marriage. If you want to find out more about guys and porn, read some of the other excellent forums and posts here and even in the guys section
As for suggestions. I think that the real issue is his not having a job. Arguing with him about porn, while it may seem appropriate may lead down some darker roads best left un-traveled for now, I would suggest framing the argument more so around the lack of the job first. Putting the porn issue aside for a moment, it is completely unacceptable that your husband will not go out and find a job and help support his family. If he finds a job and the porn is still a problem then you know it is an addiction and then you and him it can be deal with it then.
May God be with you......
THIS is actually the best post in this thread, so far. Well said, Chrystar.
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RE: Husband addicted to Pornography - 6/28/2008 3:02:55 AM
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Gluelin
Posts: 44
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quote:
ORIGINAL: karlie
I see this as a very black and white issue. My husband can have me or he can have porn...he would not be getting both. He would be making a choice;
Trust me. Most "normal" husbands would choose you--the real thing--over porn. It's a mistake to think that your husband desires a choice. He may be addicted to porn, but he probably still desires you. Most normal males may be aroused by porn, but porn represents a fantasy, not the real thing. Despite the confusion, lust and fantasy are not the same thing.
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RE: Husband addicted to Pornography - 6/28/2008 10:49:46 AM
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karlie
Posts: 16935
Joined: 4/10/2005
From: Central California
Status: online
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quote:
It's a mistake to think that your husband desires a choice. He may be addicted to porn, but he probably still desires you. Most normal males may be aroused by porn, but porn represents a fantasy, not the real thing. Despite the confusion, lust and fantasy are not the same thing.
I absolutely agree with you there. I'm just saying if it were my marriage he would be making a choice to either conquer the addiction/lust issue or he would lose me. Thankfully, my husband is very aware of our boundaries within our marriage and agrees with that completely.
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You can't stop the waves, but you can learn how to surf.
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RE: Husband addicted to Pornography - 6/28/2008 1:28:19 PM
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mvic
Posts: 1350
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You don't say whether you have children or not. (I guess not).
What example do you think he would set if you had children in future?
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RE: Husband addicted to Pornography - 6/29/2008 10:02:06 PM
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stonek
Posts: 153
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Gluelin
quote:
ORIGINAL: karlie
I see this as a very black and white issue. My husband can have me or he can have porn...he would not be getting both. He would be making a choice;
Trust me. Most "normal" husbands would choose you--the real thing--over porn. It's a mistake to think that your husband desires a choice. He may be addicted to porn, but he probably still desires you. Most normal males may be aroused by porn, but porn represents a fantasy, not the real thing. Despite the confusion, lust and fantasy are not the same thing.
Any man or woman looking at porn is lusting. They are violating their vows as well.
I am in agreement with the others that there would be a choice of the porn or the choice to honor the marriage.
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RE: Husband addicted to Pornography - 6/30/2008 10:50:09 AM
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PromiseLander
Posts: 358
Joined: 1/14/2008
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I understand that porn is most certainly a sin, but out of all these people who are so adamantly against it to the point of thinking of doing such drastic measures as dissolving a marriage, how many of you have other sins in your own life that you are unwilling to let go?
Do you get drunk?
Are you lazy?
Do you lie?
Do you gossip?
Do you read romance novels?
Do you read horiscopes in the newspapers?
Pornography is a sin, but do NOT treat this with indignation and then let other sins in your life slide. If you are to be adamantly against this one, then root out sin WHEREVER it may be found so that you may not be guilty of hypocrisy.
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RE: Husband addicted to Pornography - 6/30/2008 2:27:35 PM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 633
Joined: 7/13/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: PromiseLander
I understand that porn is most certainly a sin, but out of all these people who are so adamantly against it to the point of thinking of doing such drastic measures as dissolving a marriage, how many of you have other sins in your own life that you are unwilling to let go?
Do you get drunk?
Are you lazy?
Do you lie?
Do you gossip?
Do you read romance novels?
Do you read horiscopes in the newspapers?
Pornography is a sin, but do NOT treat this with indignation and then let other sins in your life slide. If you are to be adamantly against this one, then root out sin WHEREVER it may be found so that you may not be guilty of hypocrisy.
One of the differences is that lusting/looking at porn is a form of adultery. So I would say that it needs to be dealt with differently than the other sins you listed. That's not to say that if someone was having a problem with those other sins that it shouldn't be addressed.
Also, we are called to hold each other accountable. That's what Scripture instructs us to do. We don't have to be sinless in order to call someone into account. To me, it would be hypocritical to divorce someone for adultery when you yourself were committing adultery at the same time, kwim?
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RE: Husband addicted to Pornography - 6/30/2008 7:43:58 PM
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frazzledmom
Posts: 215
Joined: 7/4/2007
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I second Chrystar's post!!! Use of pornography is mostly about medicating away uncomfortable feelings, like anger, depression, low-self-esteem.
Meanwhile you have very real feelings that need to be acknowledged and dealt with. The way he's dealing with these uncomfortable feelings hurts you and he needs, eventually, to learn new ways to deal with those feelings. All this will take time, but rest assured, a marriage can survive porn addiction if both parties are willing to work on it.
Check out some of the workbooks and material by Doug Weiss at www.sexaddict.com or pick up Every Heart Restored. Those are good places to start for now.
Encourage your husband to look for work. His self-esteem will return when he finds a fulfilling job.
Best Wishes,
Frazzledmom
_____________________________
I hear, I forget.
I see, I remember.
I do, I understand.
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RE: Husband addicted to Pornography - 6/30/2008 8:27:46 PM
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DreadPirateRandy
Posts: 8685
Joined: 6/5/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: TenderTeddyHeart
My hubby is terribly addicted to porn. He's home all day long and is glued to the computer and porn. I'm so hurt and have told him so very many times how upset it makes me and I have even threatened to leave him. But now it has gotten to the point where he sees it as no big deal.
As a former pornography addict of 3+ years, once you've been under its spell, it no longer seems like a "big deal", it becomes the norm. There's a few problems I see with your husband and I'll address them as so:
- Firstly, he isn't providing for you while he's sitting on his butt engaging in adultery. That's a problem, as he is supposed to be the head of the household and yearn to supply for his family.
- Because the lack of a job, or any occupation, pornography has occupied his time instead. That's how it begins and seemingly never ends, but nevertheless, it must end in order for progression to begin.
- He's either obvious to you being upset or he just doesn't take it seriously. You need to really talk to him about it. And I don't mean a five minute conversation.
quote:
Any suggestions??
Prayer above all else. It's the most powerful weapon a Christian has.
Since he appears to not worry about occupying his time with something else, you could encourage the idea of doing activities together (i.e. walking). My defeat over pornography first began when Christ saved me, but going out into nature and acknowledging His creation and simply filling my mind with His works erased the urge to lock myself in my room and indulge in hours of immorality.
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The lunatic, the lover, and the poet, are of imagination all compact.
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RE: Husband addicted to Pornography - 7/2/2008 4:35:20 PM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 633
Joined: 7/13/2007
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quote:
Haines607: I need my Christian friends for Christian advice. It is my goal 99% of the time to react in the way Christ wants me to react and to behave he would expect me to, so I need help!
When my husband and I were first married, after six months of marriage I caught him searching for women on myspace with those nasty sites. And he did a search for some porn but only watched probably 10 seconds of it and then he stopped. He said he stopped because he knew it was wrong and he felt convicted. He never told me about this situation and I found all of this on the history of our computer so I confronted him. He felt so guilty, I could see it, and he promised he would never do it again and even more so he apologized he would never hurt me like that again. I explained to him that I view porn or searching for women or lusting after them as a form of cheating. The Bible does say if you lust after a women then you are committing adultery.
Then about a year later I caught him again and the worst part was that he totally lied to me for a few days and when he did confess he didn't see the big deal about it and said I was over reacting. We found out a few days later that I was pregnant with our first child so he blamed my reactions on my emotional rollercoaster.
Just today, I viewed our cable bill and found that he ordered two porn movies over the past couple of months. Those who would defend him would say, "it was only two" or "every guy does it" so if that is your answer then please stop reading this. Where I come from, a man treasures his wife, promises to be true to her in good times AND in bad, doesn't lie to her, doesn't hide things and has control over his desires God has placed in him.
How would you address this if you were in my situation? I have to be honest with you all, I am so mad, hurt and upset I don't want to react in the Christian way right now but I have control over myself so I won't react in the way the enemy want me to, I won't give him power in that way too in my marriage.
I believe in prayer, so please pray for me, my husband and us. Give me good Christian advice.
I would (and have in my own marriage) tell him that it's either me or the porn. Period. And I would be prepared to leave if he chose the porn. I've been through this same cycle of lies and deceit so I know how much it hurts. I'm sorry you are going through this. You are right that you shouldn't accept anything less than what God's standards are for a marriage. Not all men do this. My husband doesn't anymore, PTL. It is possible to quit once and for all. And it is possible to have an even better marriage than ever before. It just takes lots of work (mainly on the husband's part) and time.
Feel free to pm me if you like.
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RE: Husband addicted to Pornography - 7/4/2008 1:03:13 AM
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TorchHeart
Posts: 1109
Joined: 6/4/2008
From: One of the coldest places on Earth
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: PromiseLander
I understand that porn is most certainly a sin, but out of all these people who are so adamantly against it to the point of thinking of doing such drastic measures as dissolving a marriage, how many of you have other sins in your own life that you are unwilling to let go?
Do you get drunk?
Are you lazy?
Do you lie?
Do you gossip?
Do you read romance novels?
Do you read horiscopes in the newspapers?
Pornography is a sin, but do NOT treat this with indignation and then let other sins in your life slide. If you are to be adamantly against this one, then root out sin WHEREVER it may be found so that you may not be guilty of hypocrisy.
PromiseLander is right. I think what we have here are a lot of people with hurt feelings going on a crusade after this one sin, and using a Blbe verse that they don't totally grasp to justify their crusade. I'm not knocking the importance of dealing with it, but I disagree with the approach.
Pornography IS a sin, but the strong arm methods of dealing with it as we've seen over and over again in this thread and on this forum are NOT the most common or proper way to deal with this.
quote:
ORIGINAL: frazzledmom
I second Chrystar's post!!! Use of pornography is mostly about medicating away uncomfortable feelings, like anger, depression, low-self-esteem.
THIS is a much more accurate way of viewing problems with pornography. Other VERY COMMON reasons why someone could be due to problems in their marriage (often a lack of sexual intimacy/satisfaction, but also can be a product of other inter-marital problems). Another common reason might be due to a "mid-life crisis." At any rate, my point is that a desire to view pornography is (more often than not) a symptom of a larger problem, such as these While this doesn't excuse the behavior, it EXPLAINS why its happening and makes it easier to address and correct.
Rather than crusading against the act and reigning terror on the sinner, I think the best method is often for a couple to talk (and if neccessary, to seek marital councilling) and find out why this is occuring. Then they can take steps to solve the bigger issue at hand (should one exist) which will in turn help the sinner turn away from this action. And there will probably be a number of much more successful ways to do this.
< Message edited by TorchHeart -- 7/4/2008 1:38:18 AM >
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RE: Husband addicted to Pornography - 7/4/2008 1:56:04 AM
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KPOP
Posts: 26
Joined: 7/4/2008
Status: offline
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HI THERE.
I AM NOT TELLING YOU WHAT TO DO?
BUT I HAVE HEARD -- THAT SOME WOMEN WHOSE HUSBAND TO PORNO ON THE NET
SOME WOMEN -- THEY ALSO LOOK AT THE PORNO WITH THEIR HUSBAND
OF COURSE -- SOME OF THESE MEN -- MAKE SURE THAT THEIR WIFE KNOW
AND ALL THE WIFE -- CAN SAY -- IS
YOU ARE MARRIED TO ME -- YOU SHOULD NOT LOOK AT PORNO
BUT THEN SOME MEN THEY DO NOT LISTEN -- AND THEY KEEP PORNO HOT IN THE NET
SO IF I WERE YOU
I WOULD JUST LET HIM TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT
AND TELL HIM -- THAT YOU ARE MARRIED TO HIM
IF HE SHOWS YOU THE PORNO
WELL -- YOU CAN SAY -- LIKE -- OH -- WHAT BIG BUTT OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT
OR YOU CAN SAY -- YOU ARE CUTER?
OR YOU CAN SAY -- CAN SHE COOK FOR YOU?
OR YOU CAN SAY -- DID SHE GIVE YOUR HER EMAIL?
OR YOU CAN ASK YOUR HUSBAND ?
I HOPE I WILL NOT GET INTO TROUBLE?
BUT DID YOU ASK HIM TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU?
DO YOU TALK ABOUT INTIMACY WITH YOUR HUSBAND?
SOME WOMEN -- TELLS THEIR HUSBAND HOW THEY CAN GIVE THEM PLEASURE
SO YOU NEED TO COMMUNICATE
I KNOW THAT A LOT OF WOMEN ARE EXPERIENCING WITH THIS ISSUE
AND THEY DO NOT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE IT
I CERTAINLY DO NOT KNOW HOW
BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS ASK HIM TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU
OR YOU CAN SWEET TALK TO HIM
OR TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM
AT THIS TIME -- HE MAY NOT SEE HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HIM
BUT IF YOU PERCEIVER AND BE FAITHFUL -- AND BE A GOOD WIFE
HE WILL SEE
YOU CAN ONLY DO WHAT YOU CAN DO
THE LIMITS YOU CAN DO
EACH WOMEN HAS DIFFERENT LIMITATIONS
SO JUST BE A GOOD SUBMISSION WIFE
BUT DO NOT BE A DOORMAT
GUYS DOES NOT LIKE DOORMATS
GOOD LUCK
KATHY
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RE: Husband addicted to Pornography - 7/4/2008 2:31:58 AM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 633
Joined: 7/13/2007
Status: offline
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TorchHeart,
I find the tone of your post to be a bit offensive. It comes across as accusatory and sarcastic towards some of the other posters on here. There are ways to disagree without using sarcasm or making accusations (of being on a crusade or reigning terrror against the sinner) against the other posters that you disagree with.
quote:
I think what we have here are a lot of people with hurt feelings going on a crusade after this one sin, and using a Blbe verse that they don't totally grasp to justify their crusade.
quote:
the strong arm methods of dealing with it as we've seen over and over again in this thread and on this forum are NOT the most common or proper way to deal with this.
quote:
Rather than crusading against the act and reigning terror on the sinner
quote:
the strong arm methods of dealing with it as we've seen over and over again in this thread and on this forum are NOT the most common or proper way to deal with this.
Would you mind sharing where you've gotten this information from (i.e. that these methods don't work and which ones do)?
Do you know of a marriage where the husband had this problem and has overcome it completely? What methods did they use to overcome this sin and restore the relationship?
Edited to delete repetitious phrase.
< Message edited by Hislittleone -- 7/4/2008 5:30:31 AM >
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RE: Husband addicted to Pornography - 7/5/2008 1:25:54 PM
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SmyLynn1
Posts: 21
Joined: 6/7/2008
Status: offline
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I love how many folks have such good advice. I love hearing what they would do and, even better, what we wives should do to entice husbands back from the porn world.
I married a "christian" man, or so I thought. I am bed ridden now from Multiple Sclerosis. My husband bathes me in my bed, usually makes sure I have food, and cleans up my rear after I have bowel movements. I recently talked to him about showing me affection, intimacy, etc. He promptly told me that if I could see the nasty stuff he cleans up, especially the green infected drainage I wouldn't want to touch me either.
So bottom line I CAN'T do anything for him. I STILL have a problem with the porn thing, especially the stuff he has participated in. Yes I know I have every right to divorce him. I get to sit by and just let it all go on unless I want to get social services to remove me from my home and placed in a nursing home. So yeah, I am one of the women that probably shouldn't complain.
If I were completely healthy, then I would do thinks differently. But I still remember the promises to love, honor and cherish me in sickness and in health.
The bottom line is I don't think he is really a Christian or he would be repentant/remorseful/convicted in someway.
_____________________________
The Chick in the Chair
Still smyLynn even though I can only chair dance
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RE: Husband addicted to Pornography - 7/5/2008 1:48:04 PM
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asmcgrew
Posts: 2
Joined: 7/5/2008
Status: offline
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Sorry to hear that. I've been facing the same issue within my marriage. However I just found out that my husband took it a step farther this time. He called several chat lines and meet up with two of the females he was chatting with. He swears that they didn't do anything. When I spoke to two of the females he met, one stated they didn't do anything but talk and the other swears they had sex. Who do I believe?
We been married for 3 1/2 years, dated for 5 and I'm at a cross road. You’re doing the right thing by confronting him because this addiction of pornography only gets worst if it's not dealt with. First it was him buying porn on t.v., then it was the internet, and then from there the chat lines and meeting them in person. I'm extremely upset, we have 3 kids, and I love my husband. But since I found out last week about his little meetings, I'm wondering if I can even stay married any longer. I know he really is a good man but each time I caught him he swore he wouldn't hurt me again in this manner. He's finally seeking help, but I can't help to wonder if he's really going to be able stop before he sleeps with another woman if he hasn't already.
I would see if your husband would be willing to look into a men's group in your area, or read the book Every Man's Battle (www.EveryMansBattle.com) As for you continue to pray and stay in the word of God.
May many blessings fall upon you and your house!
asmcgrew
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RE: Husband addicted to Pornography - 7/5/2008 5:04:04 PM
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TorchHeart
Posts: 1109
Joined: 6/4/2008
From: One of the coldest places on Earth
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Hislittleone
TorchHeart,
I find the tone of your post to be a bit offensive. It comes across as accusatory and sarcastic towards some of the other posters on here.
Where was there sarcasm?
quote:
ORIGINAL: Hislittleone
There are ways to disagree without using sarcasm or making accusations (of being on a crusade or reigning terrror against the sinner) against the other posters that you disagree with.
Really? I'm sorry. Maybe I | | | |
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Husband addicted to Pornography - 
I completely agree.
