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Husband taking a back seat - 9/28/2009 1:35:57 PM
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rcarde25
Posts: 3
Joined: 8/15/2006
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I am not the easiest person to live with. I know that I can selfish and spoiled and my marriage and our finances have taken toil because of this. I don’t want to place all the blame on my husband. Growing up I never wanted for material things so when looking for a mate financial responsibility was not my top priority. I wanted someone to love me. My husband’s employment career is questionable to say the least. He has had many jobs and I think as long gas he was bringing in the money it masked a lot of the true issues that I have in my marriage. Sadly, having stuff is like a band aid to fix the problem for me. A quick shopping trip here, going out to eat there will pacify me long enough for me to forget things that I really do take issue with. My husband has been unemployed for several months now he lost his job because one of the higher ups did not care for him but he made it easy for the guy to get him fired. He gave him what he needed and not to mention he was switching meds at the time and that didn’t help one bit. We have been receiving unemployment and through it all I have been doing most of the job searching. In my eyes he has no motivation to find work; he puts forth such little effort. He always seems to feel like him working one job is enough to support us but we have a mountain of bills to say the opposite. When I argue to him that I don’t feel taken care of and he doesn’t provide enough he immediately goes into how spoiled I am and how he is not killing himself just b/c I want more of everything. I don’t feel like I want more of anything I just want us to be able to save money instead of having everything that comes in to go right back out. My husband does have medical conditions that make it hard for him and he even thought about trying to go on disability at one point, which I firmly said no way. I truly feel like he is not disabling at this time even though the conditions he has can be disabling some days. If he were to work a second job even for a short while that would be great. I get tired of constantly hearing from my dad that he needs to work more like he did in order to support his family. We don’t directly ask my mom and dad for help but it’s apparent that I can’t afford to do much of anything. I don’t mind working a second job and have been looking for something working from home on the side but I have 2 kids and someone needs to do the running with them and I feel like it’s the mans responsibility to provide and care for his family. I have been the bread winner for mostly all our marriage and I guess I am starting to resent it. In my husbands 1st marriage he had a wife who pretty much refused to work so he ran himself crazy trying to support them. I just feel like he has taken a back seat in this marriage altogether when it comes to finances. He juggles and handles the paying of the bills but it’s with mostly my check. All of our finances are together and I truly feel like that’s how God would want it to be. Many times I have wanted separate accounts and thought about broaching the subject with him but we have been together for 11 years and I just feel like that would destroy things if I even asked about it. Any advice?
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RE: Husband taking a back seat - 9/28/2009 1:59:21 PM
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laura...
Posts: 3284
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
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Welcome to forums.
quote:
I think as long gas he was bringing in the money it masked a lot of the true issues that I have in my marriage. Sadly, having stuff is like a band aid to fix the problem for me. A quick shopping trip here, going out to eat there will pacify me long enough for me to forget things that I really do take issue with.
What other things do you take issue with? Everything in your post had to do with your husband bringing in money.
quote:
My husband does have medical conditions that make it hard for him and he even thought about trying to go on disability at one point, which I firmly said no way. I truly feel like he is not disabling at this time even though the conditions he has can be disabling some days. If he were to work a second job even for a short while that would be great.
Your husband has a disabling condition that makes it difficult for him to work but you not only don't want him to go on disability, you want him to work 2 jobs?
quote:
I don’t mind working a second job and have been looking for something working from home on the side but I have 2 kids and someone needs to do the running with them and I feel like it’s the mans responsibility to provide and care for his family. I have been the bread winner for mostly all our marriage and I guess I am starting to resent it.
It is the responsibility of both parents to provide and care for their family. It is also the responsibility of both to budget and live within their means.
quote:
Many times I have wanted separate accounts and thought about broaching the subject with him but we have been together for 11 years and I just feel like that would destroy things if I even asked about it.
I would guess that it would pretty much destroy things. It certainly would cement the fact that you are more concerned about money than you are about your husband and marriage.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: Husband taking a back seat - 9/28/2009 3:06:01 PM
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rcarde25
Posts: 3
Joined: 8/15/2006
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I have started to read Power of a Praying Wife and praying for my husband and also praying for myself for God to help both of us. We are currently reviewing our bills to see what cuts need to be made. Should I not expect for him to work another job? I guess before he started not to feel well all the time I really wanted him to push himself more. Its really hard to have a spouse who is constantly not feeling well in some way shape or form. I am prying for God to heal his body but I honestly feel even if he were healed this would not motivate him enough. I honestly feel part of it is laziness. I guess when I say taking a back seat, I jsut feel that he has not ever really stepped up to the plate in our marriage and do everything that needs to be done to make sure we can pay everything and stay out of debt. My other issues with him include his aggressive nature and attitude when i try to talk to him. My husband has a "I know it all attitude" most times its hard to get him to see he is wrong whetehr its coming from me or someone else. He does not have a relationship with his father and his mother jsut annoys him so he wont listen to her either. My husband does not attend church regularly and I do think we need Godly counsel. I think he would go but I am not sure if he would respect the opinion of someone else regarding our relationship. I am not sure if a doctor would sign off on him being disabled. He does have times where he needs to take extended medical leave and he has done that in the past his doctor is in full support of that. The other issue i have is he procrastnates about things if i ask him to do one thing its always "oh i will get to it tomorrow or later" or then he doesnt feel well and it gets put off again for another day. just today he was supposed to go check out his employment situaion he feel ill for an hour and went to sleep so now its being moved until tomorrow. It jsut upsets me!!! we go through this all of the time.
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RE: Husband taking a back seat - 9/28/2009 3:55:28 PM
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Nate79
Posts: 249
Joined: 8/26/2007
From: Midwest USA
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Perhaps he avoids the tasks you ask him to do because he doesn't want to be criticized? He may be quite discouraged if he's constantly hearing what he should be doing and little acknowledging what he is making an honest effort to accomplish. My wife felt this way when she was trying to do better on housecleaning, but I did not praise her for what she was able to get done. When I would ask why other things weren't done, it only discouraged her and made her not want to try at all. Was my request valid? Sure, but it did not take her feelings into account and was counterproductive.
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RE: Husband taking a back seat - 9/28/2009 6:24:57 PM
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Mollymouser
Posts: 3951
Joined: 4/18/2005
From: california, land of the happy cows
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: rcarde25
I have started to read Power of a Praying Wife and praying for my husband and also praying for myself for God to help both of us. We are currently reviewing our bills to see what cuts need to be made. Should I not expect for him to work another job? I guess before he started not to feel well all the time I really wanted him to push himself more. Its really hard to have a spouse who is constantly not feeling well in some way shape or form. I am prying for God to heal his body but I honestly feel even if he were healed this would not motivate him enough. I honestly feel part of it is laziness. I guess when I say taking a back seat, I jsut feel that he has not ever really stepped up to the plate in our marriage and do everything that needs to be done to make sure we can pay everything and stay out of debt. My other issues with him include his aggressive nature and attitude when i try to talk to him. My husband has a "I know it all attitude" most times its hard to get him to see he is wrong whetehr its coming from me or someone else. He does not have a relationship with his father and his mother jsut annoys him so he wont listen to her either. My husband does not attend church regularly and I do think we need Godly counsel. I think he would go but I am not sure if he would respect the opinion of someone else regarding our relationship. I am not sure if a doctor would sign off on him being disabled. He does have times where he needs to take extended medical leave and he has done that in the past his doctor is in full support of that. The other issue i have is he procrastnates about things if i ask him to do one thing its always "oh i will get to it tomorrow or later" or then he doesnt feel well and it gets put off again for another day. just today he was supposed to go check out his employment situaion he feel ill for an hour and went to sleep so now its being moved until tomorrow. It jsut upsets me!!! we go through this all of the time.
1. If you post your monthly budget over in the Finance Forum, the people there are always very helpful and creative in suggestion to people ways to tweak their budget. Come on over for some assistance in that area!
2. I don't know if your expectation that your husband "work another job" is reasonable or not ... especially in light of his serious illness. Have you considered the possibility that your husband may be depressed and that may be impacting his motivation levels?
3. I agree, it is hard to have a spouse with serious health issues. In my family, I am the spouse with the serious health issue, and I no longer work. This required that we modify our lifestyle, adapt our household to a single income, downsize our spending, and a million other changes and adaptions. Every day I thank the Lord for such a sweet and understanding husband who loves me, despite my health issues and ability to produce income.
4. Perhaps having a doctor evaluate whether or not your husband is disabled would be helpful?
5. Are you finding the book, Power of a Praying Wife, to be helping you?
6. Are you willing to go to counseling without your husband, if necessary?
_____________________________
  MARRIED TO A MILITARY PILOT ~ PLEASE PRAY FOR OUR TROOPS!
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RE: Husband taking a back seat - 9/28/2009 7:05:41 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 536
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline
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The days where one person can support their family is just about over with due to the increasing cost of living, taxes, etc... It takes two people working to support a family (for most that's true.)
I think it's a good idea if both husband and wife do work unless there's special circumstances going on that prevents that from happening.
Your husband has medical conditions that effect his work performance and if he qualifies for disability there's no shame in that... he should be evaluated to see if he does qualify for disability.
As for what your dad is saying - I wouldn't be encouraging that sort of thing by relating your situations to your dad/parents. I don't expect my husband to shoulder all the load when I'm capable of helping him pull the load.
Sorting out roles for the husband/wife only works when both are able-bodied.
If your spouse has medical problems - then you have to consider those problem(s).
Another thing in marriage - it's our money... not my money.
Our money... pays the bills, buys food, puts gas in the car etc...
Seek counseling - marriage and financial planning.
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RE: Husband taking a back seat - 9/28/2009 7:17:29 PM
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3cappuccinosmom
Posts: 3595
Joined: 4/12/2005
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While I think it is the man who should be the main breadwinner, if he *can't* then he can't. If he's sick, he's sick. 
On the money issue, if you grew up not lacking for anything, than you may have an inflated view of what is necessary to live on. That's not an indictment of you, so don't take offense. But many people have no idea that they could cut their expenses to a fraction of what they currently spend. To be able to evaluate your bills and your budget and make some cuts or some changes could take some of the burden off of you.
I do think you will need to find Godly counsel, both with your relationship and with money issues. If you think your husband would be willing to go, perhaps you could invite him to participate in choosing the counselor, so he doesn't feel like it will be you and the counselor beating up on him (I'm not saying you would, but he may feel like that if you are the one picking the counselor on your own), but someone he trusts who will give trustworthy advice.
_____________________________
 Moo
The Ballad of Bad Biruk
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RE: Husband taking a back seat - 9/29/2009 11:30:10 AM
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rcarde25
Posts: 3
Joined: 8/15/2006
Status: offline
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quote:
4. Perhaps having a doctor evaluate whether or not your husband is disabled would be helpful? I am not ready to accept that he is disabled
5. Are you finding the book, Power of a Praying Wife, to be helping you? Yes very much its helped me learn alot about how he may feeling and how I can help him not hinder him and to shut up and pray instead of trying to make him change which is clearly not working at all
6. Are you willing to go to counseling without your husband, if necessary? yes i think he would go at this point and i am strongly considering it.
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RE: Husband taking a back seat - 9/30/2009 12:34:35 PM
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Lyrach
Posts: 133
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline
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I understand how difficult it is. This is why my dh & I (and our 2 children) live with his parents. His income is from our church which is a smaller church (not like the mega churches that offer benefits & even retirement), all of that money goes to his school bills - all of it. That leaves my $30,000/yr salary (the poverty limit is $35,000/yr for a family our size (of 4)- just an FYI) for the rest. This is why my dh's parents stepped in. They are gracious, caring, & compassionate. It is NOT easy dealing w/money these days in any way,shape or form. Jaimestarcross, Nate 79, and 3 Cappucinos all gave wonderful insight into this topic. I have been married nearly 8 yrs (Oct 13th!!!) and can tell you that my dh and I survived for the first 3 years on frozen veggies, canned tuna, and noodles. You do what you have to in order to live. Unfortunately, a lot of this financial "junk" is from our culture telling us that we "can", "should" and do "deserve" it all. It all what? Can you take "it all" with you? Could most of "all of it" burn up in a couple minutes? Hmm... I am finding that Christ DOES provide for our every need HE knows your dh's needs, as well as your & your children's needs. I agree with you in planting yourself firmly into church - maybe a way to help him want to go is by inviting him into one of the men's events they do (A LOT of churches do something for the Superbowl, or a Fall Fest, or something)...that might help his view of Jesus. I pray too that you find encouragement & rest. Sounds like you could use some rest as well. The money will come. Simplify where you are able. I stopped looking at magazines because I'd get tempted to buy stuff for the kids or even for my dh - we simply do not have the resources to do so. Netflix? not a chance, cancelled that . How do we have fun? We read, talk, play games, etc.. The talking (notice I said talk, not yell) will do you good - also, writing a letter. As you simplify your life, suddenly you do find that you do "have the time" for good & whole things -activities that will bring life & light to your family. I agree with counseling as well. 
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RE: Husband taking a back seat - 9/30/2009 1:30:02 PM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1479
Joined: 3/13/2009
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As someone said you do need tot tell your father to stay out of your buisiness. You shouldnt be talking to your parents about it either.Is is nothing to do with them and they are making it worse. I just WISH that parents would realise that their children are grown uo and they are no longer running their lives for them.
Your husband will never respond favourably to criticism and complaint, but he will respond really well to encouragment and support.
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RE: Husband taking a back seat - 10/16/2009 10:40:47 AM
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heremainsfaithful
Posts: 190
Joined: 10/14/2009
From: Alabama
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I can see all sides of this issue. I have type I bipolar disorder. Right now I work full time and my meds are usually on target, but there may come a time that that is not the case. Hopefully not any time soon. I have also lived with a H who has been unemployed for several months, and it can be very tough. My H was depressed, and he really didn't look all that hard either. So I can understand your frustration. I have been frustrated some lately because I have worked full time during his recent pursuit of a degree while he worked as a grad assistant. It does feel like incredible pressure to be the main breadwinner and insurance provider when you have a health condition. I was also raised getting pretty much whatever I wanted, so my view of what we "needed" was highly skewed. So here are my thoughts.
If you really aren't easy to live with and you really are somewhat spoiled, do whatever you have to to change that regardless of what your husband does.
If your husband is medically disabled, deciding he is lazy will not help. It will not make him get better. It's a disease. If you are going to continue to stay married to this man, then accepting this illness and all it entails is part of the deal. His job is to take as much care of himself as possible, including following all doctors instructions regarding lifestyle and medication.
Two jobs is not realistic if his disease is affecting him. It just isn't. We could use more money too, but me getting a job at J C Penney in addition to teaching would not be the answer. I would literally end up in the hospital.
Here's a story to end with. I have a dear friend who is recently divorced. She had to get married, if you know what I mean. So she was a SAHM while her husband worked. Then she had another baby, this one with special needs. So she was a SAHM while her husband got a second job. The kids started preschool, and she had another baby...and another. So she was a SAHM mom while her husband worked 3 jobs. Finally he couldn't take it and asked her to get a job. A year later they were divorced. I am not trying to judge her because I love her very much, but when she came for sympathy, what all of us really thought was - three jobs? And you expected him to get another one rather than work yourself?
Two practical and biblically/christian based books I would recommend: Lovebusters, and His Needs, Her Needs. I like them because they are so very practical in a here's what you do kind of way.
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