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I need your thoughts - 10/2/2009 10:40:23 PM
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CMT8808
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My son is 3 1/2 yrs. I am a sahm during thid time and no one has ever babysat him,until recently.
I befriended a woman who has a special need 28 y/o child. Things seemed fine and I would only allow him to go for like an hour not more than two.
What bothers me and I do not know if this is natural for a 3 y/o to express.
He seems overtly sexual. I was sitting at the computer and he said, I'm ready momma! I had no clue what he was talking about until I looked and realized he was 'stimulated.' I was shocked and ignored his behavior, however lately he wants me to tickle his buttocks and seemsss to be sexual alert.
I mean he is 3 y/o. I understand them realizing and discovering their body, but is this for real?
Am I overlooking something? My brother never went through this stage and I raised him til he was 5.
I no longer allow him to go with anyone, friend or not, but this concerns me.
Why at such a young age is he so stimulated? And is this natural for this age?
This really worries me
CMT
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RE: I need your thoughts - 10/3/2009 10:25:20 AM
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stampinlady
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quote:
I had no clue what he was talking about until I looked and realized he was 'stimulated.' I was shocked and ignored his behavior, however lately he wants me to tickle his buttocks and seemsss to be sexual alert.
Who notices their little boys like that? I know "it" happens naturally and any time even at that age. If you suspect anything then keep away, but unless you have proof I wouldn't confront him or your friend yet.
Edited to fix format
< Message edited by zoebob -- 10/3/2009 12:01:18 PM >
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Deb
"When the fufillment comes the types and shadows cease."
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RE: I need your thoughts - 10/3/2009 10:51:13 AM
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3cappuccinosmom
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Little boys like to play and figure things out. THey notice things. That's very normal.
But saying "I'm ready" after self stimulating and wanting you to tickle his rear sounds just a little off to me. I would wonder about that. I would have had a talk about it right then, too, explaining that it is not appropriate public behavior, and if I felt it was a red flag, I'd ask (gently) what made him think it was OK. It's a bit of a tricky thing, because you don't want to lead him into telling you something that he thinks you want to hear.
In our family even 1-2 hours unsupervised with someone I didn't know and trust 100% would never happen (which means there are very, very few people who watch our children, and none of them are recently made friends). At the very least, I'd be popping my head in every few minutes, if I allowed him to stay over there without me (assuming they were neighbors). If you are concerned about safety, then there should be no time spent with someone you don't trust. A lot can happen in "only an hour", kwim?
If it were me in your shoes, I would stop unsupervised visits with those new friends. I wouldn't confront them (because we don't actually know if anything happened). It just wouldn't happen anymore. And then I would sit down with my kid and have a serious talk about appropriate behavior (we don't touch ourselves or "play" in front of other people), who is and who is not permitted to look at or touch certain parts of our bodies and in what situations, and stress that if someone says "This is our secret" or "Now, don't tell your mama about this" that is a sure sign that the child needs to immediately tell his parents. I wouldn't try to draw anything out, but I would make this part of his training from now on, reiterating it regularly.
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RE: I need your thoughts - 10/3/2009 11:02:04 AM
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manda59
Posts: 8200
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From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
But saying "I'm ready" after self stimulating and wanting you to tickle his rear sounds just a little off to me. I would wonder about that. I would have had a talk about it right then, too, explaining that it is not appropriate public behavior
I would have said something to him too, but something different. Like, coolly and calmly, "ready for what, sweetie?" to see what he said (which could well have yielded some answers).
quote:
In our family even 1-2 hours unsupervised with someone I didn't know and trust 100% would never happen (which means there are very, very few people who watch our children, and none of them are recently made friends).
Same here. For us, in our situation as we were then, it meant that someone babysat for us only twice when our children were small (and even then it was my mother).
quote:
And then I would sit down with my kid and have a serious talk about appropriate behavior (we don't touch ourselves or "play" in front of other people), who is and who is not permitted to look at or touch certain parts of our bodies and in what situations, and stress that if someone says "This is our secret" or "Now, don't tell your mama about this" that is a sure sign that the child needs to immediately tell his parents. I wouldn't try to draw anything out, but I would make this part of his training from now on, reiterating it regularly.
Absolutely. I started this with both of my children from when they were 2/3 onwards. I actually used the word "private" a lot as well as "appropriate".
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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RE: I need your thoughts - 10/3/2009 11:52:19 AM
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stampinlady
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quote:
Like, coolly and calmly, "ready for what, sweetie?"
I would have asked that too. I don't know why my earlier post didn't seperate my comment from the OP's?
_____________________________
Deb
"When the fufillment comes the types and shadows cease."
Author unknown
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RE: I need your thoughts - 10/3/2009 12:49:11 PM
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bolt.
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I know that I often sit at my computer with one hand tucked in on my lap/thighs in a way that I would not do in public. I was just doing it now. I think it keeps my hand warm. It's not perverse, it's just an at-home cozy thing, and I usually don't notice. Maybe I should watch it so my kids don't pick it up.
Is it possible that you (or someone else) do the same, and your son was just sitting 'normally' for the computer (like he's seen others do) and got stimulated and confused?
Just a thought. Hopefully it will pass -- if the behaviour carries on, some mild reminding about the things others have posted should be enough. Treat it the same way as if you were trying to get him to stop picking his nose. Don't go overboard or show excessive focus or concern. That will make it way too important in his eyes, and he won't know how to react.
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RE: I need your thoughts - 10/3/2009 1:41:44 PM
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SurpassingPeace
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I was thinking about the tickling of his bottom. That may just be because it feels good, I mean in a nonsexual way. My dd loves for me to tickle her arms, legs, back, feet, hands, etc. For me, and hopefully this isn't tmi  , but I love having my bottom scratched and in a totally nonsexual way. Of course, I only ask my husband to do it but my point is it may just be because it feels good.
That being said, I would be very careful with whom I would allow unsupervised access with my children. You just can't unring that bell.
Karen
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RE: I need your thoughts - 10/3/2009 2:19:00 PM
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CMT8808
Posts: 246
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quote:
ORIGINAL: stampinlady
quote:
I had no clue what he was talking about until I looked and realized he was 'stimulated.' I was shocked and ignored his behavior, however lately he wants me to tickle his buttocks and seemsss to be sexual alert.
Who notices their little boys like that? I know "it" happens naturally and any time even at that age. If you suspect anything then keep away, but unless you have proof I wouldn't confront him or your friend yet.
Edited to fix format
I guess I should explain. When we get home from being out, he immediately takes his shoes and pants off. He was sitting on the couch with his blanket over him.
So when he stood before me, it was obvious not to see.
Thanks Capp Mom, Manda, Karen,and Bolt.
Since then I have started talking to him about his privates and that NO ONE should be touching him in these areas. I need also to instill about the 'secret' thing.
It concerns me, because like I stated before I never had this problem with my brother and found it unusual.
He actually refuses to go with her anymore as his words are: No momma she purposely scared me. My son is very bright for his age and so I have to trust him in what he says.
Next time (prayerfully not) I will question him in the manner suggest. I was just caught off guard and certainly did not expect it.
I try not to go overboard, because I was abused and do not want to be paranoid about situations.
Thanks for all your imput.
CMT
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RE: I need your thoughts - 10/3/2009 7:39:33 PM
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stampinlady
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quote:
he immediately takes his shoes and pants off.
Does he do this all the time?
_____________________________
Deb
"When the fufillment comes the types and shadows cease."
Author unknown
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RE: I need your thoughts - 10/3/2009 8:06:48 PM
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truthrevealed
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Maybe something is wrong with me! I read other threads where I clearly feel that the response/advice is a bit zealous(to use it mildly  ) then I read this thread and wonder why there isn't a clear---find out what is going on with your child...like now!!!
God help me
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I'll tell the world....where--ever I go. That I, have found, a Savior....and He's sweet I know!!!
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RE: I need your thoughts - 10/3/2009 8:21:43 PM
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manda59
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quote:
ORIGINAL: truthrevealed
then I read this thread and wonder why there isn't a clear---find out what is going on with your child...like now!!!
And how would you suggest you do that with a 3 yr old, other than what's been suggested here (which you seem not to have noticed)?
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"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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RE: I need your thoughts - 10/3/2009 8:33:31 PM
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CMT8808
Posts: 246
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quote:
ORIGINAL: stampinlady
quote:
he immediately takes his shoes and pants off.
Does he do this all the time?
Yes, he does do this all the time. He doesn't likes his shoes on and he takes his pants off because it is easier for him to go potty. I imagine his thought it is just easier.
I spoke to him about being dressed during the day and as he says his gpajamas in the evening, but it doesn't matter. He takes them off (shoes and pants) regardless. I've made progress though at least he will keep his undies on, where before, that was a no go.
I just do not like the idea of his statement as it leads me to believe the worst. I know exactly what he watches on television, the books he reads and the toys he plays with and none of it leads or has any inkling of a sexual cocnotations to it.
This is what he watches: Handy Manny, SpongeBob, Auto B Good, Davey and Goliath, Dinosaur train, Calillou, and Tom and Jerry.
Movies or dvds are Max and Ruby, Ice Age, Ice Age 2, Day of the Flyers, Wuzzby, Thomas the Tank Engine.
So I do not know where this is coming from. We sit together everyday at 10a to do our studies (Dinosaur train is over) and I certainly do not discuss adult things with my son.
My husband works two jobs, so I can't question him about what he views. He gets home around 2 am and my son is not up at that hour.
CMT
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RE: I need your thoughts - 10/3/2009 8:40:11 PM
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manda59
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CMT
Try not to worry. Just carry on doing what you're doing and talking naturally and openly with your son about everything, including personal things, at the same time without talking too much about this particular thing, and pray that if anything does need to come out, that it will, in a natural way, as you talk and listen with your son.
CMT, when he said that she purposely scared him, have you asked him what she did? (and have you told him he won't be going back there ever?)
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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RE: I need your thoughts - 10/3/2009 8:59:29 PM
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manda59
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From: Hampshire, UK
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CMT
Whatever you do, don't quiz him about it, don't ask too many questions or focus on it too much, otherwise he could easily become ashamed, embarrassed or even confused. He could also end up thinking he's done something wrong.
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"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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RE: I need your thoughts - 10/3/2009 9:02:04 PM
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CMT8808
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
CMT, when he said that she purposely scared him, have you asked him what she did? (and have you told him he won't be going back there ever?)
I did asked Him Manda, but all he would do is repeat his statement, Momma she purposely scared me. His exact words. (Actually I was surprised that he used and understood the word purposely).
She has shown up a few times to take him and I told her No, he is not going out today.
I have invited her to come in and play here, this way I can watch them and not worry.
CMT
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RE: I need your thoughts - 10/3/2009 9:22:27 PM
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manda59
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quote:
ORIGINAL: CMT8808
I have invited her to come in and play here, this way I can watch them and not worry.
I'd suggest that that is not a good idea until you are more sure of what, if anything, happened.
And besides, if she scared him, why would he want her around?
I wouldn't want my child to have to have someone who scared him in his home, where he is supposed to be able to feel safe.
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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RE: I need your thoughts - 10/3/2009 10:13:15 PM
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truthrevealed
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quote:
And how would you suggest you do that with a 3 yr old, other than what's been suggested here (which you seem not to have noticed)?
Manda, my comment must have not been understood by you. So, since this thread isn't about me I'm moving on 
_____________________________
I'll tell the world....where--ever I go. That I, have found, a Savior....and He's sweet I know!!!
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RE: I need your thoughts - 10/3/2009 10:19:16 PM
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manda59
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truthrevealed,
Your post appeared to be critical of the responses before yours, implying we underreacted, thus making it about us. I understood it very well.
You however did not make it clear how you proposed that the OP "find out" "like now".
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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RE: I need your thoughts - 10/3/2009 10:20:35 PM
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CMT8808
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
quote:
ORIGINAL: CMT8808
I have invited her to come in and play here, this way I can watch them and not worry.
I'd suggest that that is not a good idea until you are more sure of what, if anything, happened.
And besides, if she scared him, why would he want her around?
I wouldn't want my child to have to have someone who scared him in his home, where he is supposed to be able to feel safe.
Manda~
I did it to be polite, but she has refused every time. I just know that he will not be with anyone again unless Momma is there!
This just gives me the creeps. I would not want my son to be exposed to anything other than having fun and learning.
I have been praying about it and naturally keeping him safe
Thanx
CMT
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RE: I need your thoughts - 10/3/2009 10:22:48 PM
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manda59
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quote:
ORIGINAL: CMT8808
I did it to be polite, but she has refused every time.
CMT, to me that in itself would make me suspicious. I'd honestly suggest you reconsider socialising with this woman at all. Something really does not seem right here, even just from the refusal, and from the fact that your son said she scared him.
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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RE: I need your thoughts - 10/3/2009 10:23:13 PM
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truthrevealed
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Manda....I've moved on..............
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I'll tell the world....where--ever I go. That I, have found, a Savior....and He's sweet I know!!!
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RE: I need your thoughts - 10/4/2009 8:59:06 AM
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bolt.
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I'd also suggest that you consider training him to keep his pants on all day in the home sometime in the next few months. It's not a sexual issue, but it is a propriety issue, and at 3 he's plenty old enough to learn that some things you just have to do as far as clothing.
If it were me, once things are settled in your home, I'd just say the new rule and tell him that if I saw him with no pants on, I'd be putting both him and his pants in his room until they decided to come out together.
Also, are there any mirrors in your home at a height where he can see himself and what he is wearing? Many children resist dressing appropriately simply because they can't see what difference it makes (literally, they can't see it because they don't have a mirror). If you don't have one, I'd suggest getting a cheepie full length mirror and morning it low on the wall, from the floor to about your waist.
That should really help. Then you could look in the mirror with him and say, "Do you have all your clothes on?" and tell him how good it is when he is fully dressed.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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