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Introducing a new relationship to your mother - 4/22/2008 12:13:04 AM
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tigerfan88
Posts: 22
Joined: 4/12/2007
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I've posted here before and have received some great advice, so since I can use more, I've decided to post again. I'm in college, a freshman, live at home with parents and am in a relationship with a great guy. Both of us are Christians, have a lot of things in common, and are both driven. He is truly a brilliant man (he's a Physics major and has a real talent for it), and what I admire most about him, beyond his brilliance, is that he respects me immensely and has chosen to pursue me in a way that I am comfortable with. He's never pressured me, nor has he ever gotten frustrated with me in anyway. We both have a huge mutual respect for one another, and I think that's a good thing.
He just turned 21, and I just turned 19 1/2, so we are about a year and a half apart in age. He's technically in his junior year, but since he is planning on becoming a Physics professor, he's still got another 5-6 years to go. This doesn't bother me, as I do not feel like getting married is in the picture for at least a few more years. We have been friends since last September and entered this relationship a month ago.
I should stop here and explain that I come from a very strict upbringing. My mom homeschooled me all the way through high school, and told me several times that I could not date guys, at least not while I was homeschooled. It didn't bother me, as I had no desire to date at that age. When I entered college, my mom told me that I shouldn't get into a relationship right away, and I agreed with her. This relationship did not come along until I was well-established in my schooling. If anything, it's having a positive effect on my studies, as how dedicated my boyfriend is really makes me motivated to study more.
I should mention that my boyfriend and I have been spending time together only at college. My mom has no knowledge of it. We haven't gone on a formal date yet, and when we do, my mom will definitely know about us. Which will actually be a huge relief because I want her to know and be able to give me advice, should I need it.
My mom has saw us together, walking out of our class, and has asked me a few times if anything is going on. To which I've responded, no, we're just friends. But I think she senses it's more than that.
It kills me that I've had to keep this from her, but to be honest, I feel I've had no choice. She doesn't make me feel as though I can talk about relationship matters with her. I always feel like she'll be judgmental, no matter who I date. She's raised 4 older kids, and two of them have made some really stupid relationship choices. I think she fears the same thing will happen to me, even though I am much more mature then they were/are, and I have a deep commitment to purity.
Not to mention that my family always makes a big deal out of significant others, and I'd rather not be the center of attention.
When I pictured myself dating someone, I knew I wanted to keep it as private as possible for the first couple of months, just to make sure it was going alright, before I told family and everyone else. Just because I didn't want pressure from outside sources, since the relationship is between myself, my boyfriend and God. I've kept it private for a month now, which has allowed my boyfriend and I to really get to know each other better and keep our eyes focused on the right things.
However, now that the semester is coming to a close, and we want to continue to grow in this and spend time together, it's time that I talk things over with my mom. But the thing is, I don't know how in the world to bring it up, and what exactly to say to her. I want to have her support in this, but even if she does not support me, I will still continue dating this man because I truly believe he could be a perfect match for me. I think she may have an issue with our slight age difference, but my dad and her have a nearly identical age difference, so she would be hypocritical to use that against me. Any ideas for talking to her about this?
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RE: Introducing a new relationship to your mother - 4/22/2008 1:00:14 AM
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Grace-N-Mercy
Posts: 6072
Joined: 5/2/2005
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Hi, Tigerfan. You sound as though you are making some great decisions, and I'm glad to hear that you're wanting to talk to your mother about this. From what you say, it may not be an easy thing to do. Is there a counselor on campus who could walk you through this? One of the things I'm studying in counseling right now is how to help clients practice situations like this. You could actually do role-play with a counselor before you approach your parents.
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RE: Introducing a new relationship to your mother - 4/22/2008 12:32:43 PM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1097
Joined: 4/29/2005
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If your mom is wary of dating relationships, she will probably not be happy about this one. The question is, why are you worried about what she has to say? And more so, why are you thinking you would like to involve her an advice-giver or someone with whom you will have deep discussions... She's your mom, but this might not be the right role for her in your romantic pursuits, given her obvious bias (and given whatever she was doing with your older siblings that didn't go so well).
Problem in-laws are the number one stressor on marriages that end in divorce... and your mom sounds like she might become one of those, unless you begin to build good boundaries between your grown-up life and her influence. Nobody wants a wife that 'runs to mommy' all the time, lets mommy change her mind and/or hand her her opinion, then greets her husband with a fully formed plan to do whatever mommy recommended. Similarly a woman's husband will soon become exasperated with a woman so weak that she has to hide and lie just to avoid a conversation with her mom. "Don't tell my mom." is just so elementary school.
(I re-read that, and it sounded really harsh. I don't think that you are acting like that, I'm just showing you the extreme that you want to stay away from. The fact that you are wrestling with this now in your dating life probably means that you will be OK if you learn through these experiences.)
A conversation can't hurt you. She probably has an opinion, and you probably already know what it is. What harm is there in allowing her the courtesy of saying it out loud?
"Mom, I wanted to chat with you. You probably noticed that John and I have been hanging out a lot. We enjoy each other and a month ago we decided start dating. I wanted to keep that private for a while, but now that we are in an established relationship, it's certainly time to involve our families. Would you like to have a family dinner or something?" (Yes, it is courteous to allow them to make a deal about him once in a while, especially if you are so set on him. You can cope with the attention for a little while.)
You can discuss things with her if you like, but keep it cool and detached. You don't need to tell her your deep feelings, your hopes, your doubts or why you like him. Do not 'defend' the relationship or try to convince her to like the idea. She's entitled to her own opinion, and you honour her by not being so desperate for her approval that you try to change her mind. Stick to telling her the kinds of things you do together, the things you admire about him and how he encourages you.
If she gives you advice, say something like, "I'll put some thought into that perspective." rather than arguing. Keep everything light, cool and distant. Send her strong subtext that you consider this your own business.
Don't let her pepper you with questions (especially leading or judging questions). Memorize this phrase, "Mom, you seem to think I am still a little girl. These are not the kinds of questions one grown up asks another. I think I'm entitled to some privacy." (or its milder cousin "I don't know if I can answer that. The relationship is still developing, and I'm not quite sure yet.")
If she is judgmental, simply say, "Mom, that was an unkind thing to say. I don't think I want to talk about this any more for now." (Then don't talk about it any more, just keep saying, "I thought I told you I'd rather talk about something else." and "I'll talk to you later then, goodbye.")
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RE: Introducing a new relationship to your mother - 4/25/2008 1:28:20 AM
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tigerfan88
Posts: 22
Joined: 4/12/2007
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Thanks for the advice. :) I guess the major issue here, or so I've come to realize, is that I really want to break free and live my own life, while still having a good relationship with my mom. And I think she really does, deep down, want me to grow up, but she is afraid of me getting hurt. I've told her several times that I will get hurt, and there's no way she can prevent it. But the thing is, I can't seem to work up the courage to tell my mom all about this. I think about it and just when I feel like I'm ready to talk to her about it, I get a feeling of doubt and nothing happens.
I definitely do NOT want her to have ANY influence over this relationship whatsoever. This is between two people and God only. I think she may have an issue with this, as I've seen how she always seems to have an opinion of my sister and her husband's marriage. I believe this stems from the fact that her and my dad's marriage has not been good, and she seems to have some bitterness about it.
So I guess the real thing here is for me to be more assertive and break free from the control she has had over me for 19 years. But how do I do that?
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RE: Introducing a new relationship to your mother - 4/25/2008 9:53:13 AM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1097
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quote:
I really want to break free and live my own life, while still having a good relationship with my mom.
As long as you want both of those things equally, you are going to be pulled in both directions. If you are going to find the courage you want, you need to face square-on the possibility that there may be consequences in your 'good' relationship with your mom when you choose to exercise your backbone. You might not be able to have it both ways, for now.
Think through a few case scenarios, depending on your mom's personality, of how she is likely to respond... What's the worst case scenario? What's the mildest scenario? What's in between? Find out in your imagination how you might feel, then pray and plan how you might respond as a, calm, polite but firm grown-up.
I do, however, question that you feel parents have NO place in the relationships of their grown children. Parents can be very valuable to a dating relationship, if their influence is at your descresion only. It is the concept of good boundaries that allows you to evaluate and manage their influence to keep it positive, rather than having to shut them out completely to avoid the negative.
One of the first lessons in boundaries is that you can't stop someone from having an opinion. Opinion is someone's personal thoughts and they are free to think what they like. (For example, I'm sure you have an opinion about your sister's marriage too, but you keep it in your head.) If what you really want is to change your mom's opinion, so that she will think well of you and express her approval of your choices, then not only are you stuck with her controlling you, you are also trying to control her. You must let her think what she wants.
Another lesson of boundaries is that you teach people how to treat you. Your mom has taught you how to treat her... Is it that you do what she approves of and adopt her opinions, or she tugs on your heartstrings and makes you feel bad about yourself until you come around? Or maybe some other way, but you are well-taught. But all of us teach people how to treat us - you have taught her that it's OK for her to 'parent' you this way. And it might have been an OK way to parent, but you seem ready to be through with it in any case.
The way you teach her is by telling her the truth and acting to protect yourself.
Step 1 - The first way you tell the truth is by body language and facial expression. If she is making you uncomfortable, begin to frown, sigh, break eye contact and look distracted, cross your arms, tap your foot etc. (not to the point of being openly rude, just the natural gestures of someone who is not happy about what they are hearing).
Step 2 - Redirection: At any break in the conversation, refuse to take up your role in the script. Don't answer the implied questions or continue the discussion on-topic. Pipe up out of the blue with another topic. "I just handed in a really interesting project in my class." (Prepare a few of these in advance.) For courtesy, you do need to answer direct questions, either by answering them shortly and vaguely or by stating your discomfort...
Step 3 - Stating your discomfort: This is when it gets hard. You have to be able to actually say things like, "I don't want to talk about this any more" ... "That comment hurt my feelings" ... "I'm insulted by that question." ... "I'm not going to tell you that kind of thing" ... "I'd rather talk about something else." ... "I've told you everything that I plan to" (This is what you do instead of trying to change her mind - you have to be OK with her keeping her poor opinion and just ending the conversation... if you are driven to prove yourself to her, you will never be able to get out of these kinds of discussions.)
Step 4 - Consequences: This is really hard. Most people respond before this, so hopefully you won't have to do this, but you have to know that you are capable of ending a conversation whether your mom likes it or not. That means telling her you are done talking about this for now, and that you will not continue. Tell her clearly and calmly that if she can't respect you in conversation, that you will hang up, go for a walk, go home or simply sit in silence (depending on the situation) if you have to. She will consider this disrespectful, and will probably say so, in which case you might say that you expect that both sides of a conversation should be respectful. If she agrees and/or backs off, you can continue, but you actually might have to act on your boundary.
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RE: Introducing a new relationship to your mother - 4/25/2008 10:45:50 AM
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Jenny-Fair
Posts: 6184
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: WA
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Did I read correctly that you have LIED to your mother about this relationship?
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RE: Introducing a new relationship to your mother - 4/25/2008 11:10:04 AM
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tigerfan88
Posts: 22
Joined: 4/12/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: pbaribeault
One of the first lessons in boundaries is that you can't stop someone from having an opinion. Opinion is someone's personal thoughts and they are free to think what they like. (For example, I'm sure you have an opinion about your sister's marriage too, but you keep it in your head.) If what you really want is to change your mom's opinion, so that she will think well of you and express her approval of your choices, then not only are you stuck with her controlling you, you are also trying to control her. You must let her think what she wants.
I definitely don't want to change her opinion. I just wish she would stop feeling like she needs to voice it verbally, particularly to me. I don't like hearing her criticizing how my sister and her husband parent (and I really think they are good parents and have a solid marriage, although I'd never say it outloud) and I don't want her to do the same of me and whoever I end up marrying. Obviously, I know she's not going to stop saying things, and it's just something I need to get used to.
quote:
Another lesson of boundaries is that you teach people how to treat you. Your mom has taught you how to treat her... Is it that you do what she approves of and adopt her opinions, or she tugs on your heartstrings and makes you feel bad about yourself until you come around? Or maybe some other way, but you are well-taught. But all of us teach people how to treat us - you have taught her that it's OK for her to 'parent' you this way. And it might have been an OK way to parent, but you seem ready to be through with it in any case.
I'd definitely say she's taught me to treat her to do what she approves of and adopt her opinions. Don't get me wrong, I agree with many of the things she says, but there are somethings I will always disagree with, such as how strict she's been with me, and on matters of politics and religion (I've been brought up in the Catholic church, and she's a very devout Catholic; however, I do not feel as if this is the right Christian denomination for me, and so I've given thought to attending another church, which would anger her greatly--and makes it hard for me to make the right decision). She also has made me promise to homeschool my kids, but I really do not think I will do that, as I'd like them to have more athletic and academic opportunities than I did.
I more or less just want her to trust in my decision making. She's seen how my siblings have "screwed up" in their relationships (her words, not mine) and thinks that if she shelters me, I won't do the same. But messing up is inevitable, and I am so much different from my siblings. I have a vastly different view of relationships than they do (I would only date someone that is compatible with me, I don't believe in premarital sex etc.) and I'd like to think I'm more mature about it than they were. So why can't she just back off and trust that I will make the right choices?
quote:
The way you teach her is by telling her the truth and acting to protect yourself.
Step 1 - The first way you tell the truth is by body language and facial expression. If she is making you uncomfortable, begin to frown, sigh, break eye contact and look distracted, cross your arms, tap your foot etc. (not to the point of being openly rude, just the natural gestures of someone who is not happy about what they are hearing).
Step 2 - Redirection: At any break in the conversation, refuse to take up your role in the script. Don't answer the implied questions or continue the discussion on-topic. Pipe up out of the blue with another topic. "I just handed in a really interesting project in my class." (Prepare a few of these in advance.) For courtesy, you do need to answer direct questions, either by answering them shortly and vaguely or by stating your discomfort...
Step 3 - Stating your discomfort: This is when it gets hard. You have to be able to actually say things like, "I don't want to talk about this any more" ... "That comment hurt my feelings" ... "I'm insulted by that question." ... "I'm not going to tell you that kind of thing" ... "I'd rather talk about something else." ... "I've told you everything that I plan to" (This is what you do instead of trying to change her mind - you have to be OK with her keeping her poor opinion and just ending the conversation... if you are driven to prove yourself to her, you will never be able to get out of these kinds of discussions.)
Step 4 - Consequences: This is really hard. Most people respond before this, so hopefully you won't have to do this, but you have to know that you are capable of ending a conversation whether your mom likes it or not. That means telling her you are done talking about this for now, and that you will not continue. Tell her clearly and calmly that if she can't respect you in conversation, that you will hang up, go for a walk, go home or simply sit in silence (depending on the situation) if you have to. She will consider this disrespectful, and will probably say so, in which case you might say that you expect that both sides of a conversation should be respectful. If she agrees and/or backs off, you can continue, but you actually might have to act on your boundary.
Thank you, I really appreciate that advice and will be implementing it.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Jenny-Fair
Did I read correctly that you have LIED to your mother about this relationship?
No, I guess I misworded things. The few times she's asked about it was before we were actually a couple, and so I responded honestly to it. If she were to ask now, I don't think I'd give a response either way. I really do not like the idea of lying to my mom.
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RE: Introducing a new relationship to your mother - 4/25/2008 11:28:34 AM
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Jenny-Fair
Posts: 6184
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: WA
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I'm glad to hear that!
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RE: Introducing a new relationship to your mother - 4/25/2008 11:56:58 AM
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Sadey
Posts: 461
Joined: 7/25/2007
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Well after reading your posts I can see why you don't want to tell your mother any of this. Because she will take some of joy away won't she?
Hon I know you keep saying that your siblings messed up and your mom is trying to prevent you from making the same mistake but maybe part of the siblings problems was your mom's meddling? Just asking.
I think it would be perfectly appropriate for you to say to your Mom if she asks that this young man is becoming very special to you and that if any decisions are made that she will be the first to know.
You don't have to fudge the truth with your mom and you don't have to share everything with her either. You can tell her as much as you want her to know at that particular time. We always think we have to answer every question put to us and we don't. Some things are personal and precious and we don't want to share them at that time or maybe ever. And thats okay too. You are an adult now and you get to decide where when and what to share with your mother. And not sharing is not lying to your mom.
Your young man sounds wonderful and I hope all goes well for you and him as you go through this wonderful romance. And guess what romance is okay too and a wonderul time in your life. Fallling in love (yes I know some on these threads don't believe in falling in love but I do and I've been married45 years.) is a blessing from God. It was so exciting when my kids found their spouses. It was fun watching them as they fell in love and of course that was because the people they chose were Christians and we love them too. So hon, just enjoy this time in your life. The most important advice is to ask God to bless this budding relationship and to guide you and your young man.
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