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Lament of a dad with kids growing up - 6/12/2009 9:07:18 PM
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musicplayer
Posts: 40
Joined: 6/1/2005
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Guys- This is that transition year in my life. You see, my oldest is 19, my middle one 13, and my youngest 11. I have 15 nephews and nieces nearly all at around these age groups. I've always tried to be a good dad, a good uncle, and a good man. So I rarely played golf, rarely hung out with my buddies (actually, what buddies?), never went on guys only excursions, no motorcycle clubs, or no poker nights. I didn't join a men's basketball league, or softball team. I didn't become an officer of my local professional society, and rarely traveled for continuing education And while I did pursue my passion for music, I limited the time commitment to about 10 weekends a year, or less than once a month. No, I chose not to do all those things because I wanted to be the father who was there for my kids, so I spent time with them, and got involved in their lives. I did the soccer coach thing. I was the den leader. I went to pretty much all their sporting events, concerts, recitals, school functions and belt tests. We'd have family movie night, or play games. And when we went on family vacations it was all about the kids....and family. I limited myself to one guys day out event for the week and set aside time for my wife, my kids, and my nephews and nieces. I found joy in playing with them- sharks and minnows in the pool, Marco Polo, basketball, football, or ultimate frisbee with the kids. We had great card tournaments at night- Hearts and Oh Heck. And I found great joy in that life I chose to live.
But this year it is all changing. My 19 year old son has finished his first year of college, and has 2 summer jobs. I pretty much never see him. He spends his time at home sleeping, and then when he's awake he heads out to be with his friends or goes to work. We will not have a family vacation this summer because of his work schedule, and our trip to the beach with extended family will be void of all kids over the age of 13, because hanging out with us old adults just isn't fun, and if some of them aren't going, then they'd all rather just stay at home then go to the beach on a vacation. My 13 year old daughter is now wanting to hang out at the mall- no grownups allowed.... And I'm left wondering what to do now??
I didn't plan for this, and I'm not sure how to deal with it.
< Message edited by musicplayer -- 6/12/2009 10:28:24 PM >
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RE: Lament of a dad with kids growing up - 6/12/2009 10:07:14 PM
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mrtigger
Posts: 269
Joined: 4/12/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: musicplayer
I didn't plan for this, and I'm not sure how to deal with it.
I'm a few years ahead of you (my kids are 24,22 & 21). My oldest is married and moved off to a different state. The other two are still at home but will be gone before too much longer.
Those changes are a bit hard to take. It's sad to think they will all probably be scattered across the country and probably it will be seeing them mostly just at holidays. We haven't had a family vacation since 2004. They just don't want to go to the places me and my wife like to travel too (scenic places). I did take my boys to a coaster park last year though for a weekend and that was fun. And I'm hoping for one last big trip before they are all gone out on their own.
It's been really hard on my wife since she was so close to our daughter. And my daughter really misses us too. I miss her too but I got over it pretty quick. It felt like someone died the day she got married but it didn't last long (for me anyway.). We plan on moving close up to her area. That way we can be around for grandkids. And that probably will be ok when it happens but don't call me grandpa just yet....
We also have more time now to reestablish connections with our own siblings. Raising kids has been really busy for all of us but now we are all near empty nesters and have more time to spend with our own siblings. That's been good. And when the kids are all out, we'll probably start looking more for friends amoung others our own age. The bright side of them growing up is that you will have more time to spend on other relationships, freedom to travel, etc..
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mr tigger
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RE: Lament of a dad with kids growing up - 6/13/2009 8:01:01 AM
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iluvatar
Posts: 3037
Joined: 4/12/2005
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We come back. I promise. 
I can't say what to do, but I can give an example of what not to do. The summer of '01 was pretty rough on my dad. My brother and I both moved out, I started dating my wife (1st serious gf), and my grandfather (dad's dad) who'd been living with us for about a year passed away. He's always been somewhat isolated with respect to family vs friends (i.e. family is very important; outside friends really aren't) and with the empty nest thing hitting him that hard, at any family gathering, he would wind up alienating my then-new-girlfriend-now-wife. She's sensitive to that sort of thing to begin with and it created long-lasting tension and hurt feelings that really don't have to be there. I know he didn't mean to do it, but it still had an impact. I guess my point is to not grasp too hard to try to regain what you had; it could backfire.
-Dan.
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Well, I've been to one world fair, a picnic, and a rodeo, and that's the stupidest thing I ever heard come over a set of earphones.
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RE: Lament of a dad with kids growing up - 6/13/2009 10:14:52 AM
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jn1010lf
Posts: 519
Joined: 4/20/2005
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Hello musicplayer
Face it. Your 19 yr old is nearly a man. He wants his life. While you are still important in his life, your role does change. There's no reason why the two of you can't have an occasional breakfast together but your direct contact will decrease as he gets older.
I would suggest that you find something that you do just for yourself. How about your wife? She may feel neglected and might appreciate your making overtures for a renewal of relationships.
While good dads are available for their families. every man does need an outlet for himself. Does your church have a men's fellowship? I think every successful church has an active one.
I know of a case in which a woman is to tied up with her grandson that he husband has to take second place. He travels in his job and she never goes with him when that grandson is available.
So, don't get yourself in a position that when your kids are grown and gone that you have nothing. There is a whole new world when that happens. Gear up for it. You kids will welcome their freedom while at the same time knowing that you are still there when they need you. Believe me, they will need you once they have to function on their own.
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RE: Lament of a dad with kids growing up - 6/13/2009 11:09:18 AM
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Simway
Posts: 173
Joined: 4/12/2005
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As we get older life changes in many ways. I know you will miss your children, but they do have a life to live, and while they may not be around much, it doesn't mean they don't love you or appriciate you. One thing I can see that they will take with them is this. " You were there " You were there for games, events in their lives.Not everyone can say this. I know of men who have Fathers who were never around for anything, and it still hurts to this day. Hopefully they have learned the importance fo being there for their children. Seems to me you have set a good example of that. Now it is time to find other things to fill the void that that you have. Look for things to fill it. Just because you are doing other things doesn't mean you don't have time for your family should the need arise, and sooner or later it will for one reason or another. It maybe just a phone call with a the age old question, " Dad what should I do " Or even " I wonder if you could help me with this? " At this time they are busy finding their own way, and all that comes with reaching adult hood. So for now, still be around for them if they need you, you still have a couple at home, so you are still needed, but begin to look and think about what you want to do with your time.
Simway
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RE: Lament of a dad with kids growing up - 6/13/2009 5:04:02 PM
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buckifn
Posts: 1783
Joined: 5/23/2006
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I've been there....and it's a TOUGH path to walk, but be assured God is definitely with you even through these times and HE has many plans for you and your son's still.
1 thing that helped me was focus on the future. Think of the days when you will LOVE being a granddad ...days you will be doing the same activities and more with your son's children.
The cycle never ends...being a Dad does not end when our kids' leave home...they only change addresses, not parent's.
Are you involved in your church? Is there men's groups there? I'd say seek out things like that. Also, it may be a good time to think about a special vacation for just you and your wife. Maybe a cruise? Anything you two have wanted to do but always put it off because of the kid's?
This is a great time to focus on your marriage. Maybe the two of you could become mentor's for a younger couple in your church? There are so many opportunities to serve other's...
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RE: Lament of a dad with kids growing up - 6/13/2009 11:28:30 PM
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Joy4ELA
Posts: 19
Joined: 10/4/2005
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Where do you find your joy? From your post it sounds like with the kids & you sound like a wonderful father. Have you considered more kids? Is it even possible & would your wife be interested too? (My oldest is 18 & my youngest is 7 & we are considering more).
If not, there are so many good mentoring youth programs out there that you could definitely be good at. If your church does not have one, there are plenty of secular. There is one here locally that I really like, it is called Bolder Options - they help at risk youth through goal setting/running or biking.
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Good Spirits & Health,
Joy4ELA
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RE: Lament of a dad with kids growing up - 6/26/2009 7:00:02 PM
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Warrior4Him
Posts: 1
Joined: 4/15/2005
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Dear Music Player,
I fondly sat and read your post. I have been a CW reader and member for many years only looking in and not really posting all the often (the number is wrong). Know this however - I consider my self a Very Rich Man - your treasure chest is also full to bursting as well MP . . . all those wonderful memories. No one can steal them from you or your kids.
I too did all you did, as I recall the T-ball, coach pitch and baseball games, concerts of Mary had a little lamb, to marches and drum solo's and State Solo Ensemble. Tuxido for Prom week (last week ((He's a Jr in HS)) to the youngest joining me in the worship team as my back-up to percussion as I lead voice this week. Camping at the beach, Promise Keepers together, Christian rock concerts . . . Swim lessons, tennis lessons, packing the trailer, bike rides. Tough times as well, a heart breaking divorce, to tending my wounds as I recover from a major - uninsured surgery. My boyz and I . . . unseperable. My pastor even said in the midst of our loss' that I had a unique and special relationship - one that other fathers asked him about . . . and why did I and why were we so close . . . ? GO Ask Him! A giant of a man in our church wept, huge tears rolling down his cheeks, saying he would give anything to have what I had and that all I had lost . . . I had my two boyz.
When they come home from thier mothers . . . we celebrate, We embrace - as Abraham - I kiss them on their necks, look into their eyes thell them they have value, they are loved and bless them. I deeply appreciate the fine young men that are becomming. I cry for them when they leave . . .
My sons stood with me this year as I remarried . . . we spent the evening together the night before and hung out the three of us. My sons helped as we dressed for the big day . . . my oldest saying, Pop? Your hands are shaking . . . let me help you . . . you dressed me all those years, it's my turn now ! Wow as he helped me slip my shirt and coat on, my youngest spritzing 'my hair' and making sure is was combed 'in the back' . . . a truely magical moment MP !
MP? Just Be Real with your growing family. I realize that too - we will be off to college, and as an arrow in my quiver . . . It will be my duty as a father and a pleasure to shoot them out into the world with my blessing. I trust that they will always be close and yet - I want them to be emotionally equipped to go out and know that the Poppa is always where he was last and can trust to my final breath, that they remain loved, covered and blessed.
I treasure all that has happened and I am indeed a rich man - no finer moment when I was asked and allowed to step into a frosty winter creek to baptise my youngest during their youth retreat. There is no price except for some 'severe shrinkage' and that our teeth chattered as we held onto each other and celebrated.
MP? You too are a very rich man . . . this is a change for us both . . . surrender then to His care and covering and prepare to shoot them out as arrows from your quiver. I have 2 copies of a Fathers Legacy / Journal, one for each. I pen my thoughts and these books have gone with me around the world as I travel for work. From 38,000 ft in a lumbering JUmbo to the Far East or Europe . . . I recount my life for them and share with them my past as well. This has taken considerable time, but make sure these books (available at any Christian book store)are close. Sometimes I not write in them for months, then maybe in a room in China . . . or on a beach, or forrest retreat . . . A gift from me to them, some years from now. I even write small notes to them in my engineering journals, amoung my scribbles, diagrams and notes, charts graphs . . . . I anticipate years from now . . . the surprise they may experience when they see their nickname in a margin and a wink 9>) the delight of knowing that I was thinking of them.
When it is quite . . . ? It reminds me of how much they are a part of my life . . . and would have had it no other way.
As the hymn says . . . Count your many blessings . . . . count them one by one . . . As they grow older, I step back just a tad to give a little room, they always reach and make sure I am close . . . becasue I always will be.
Blessings 
W4H
< Message edited by Warrior4Him -- 6/26/2009 7:32:57 PM >
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