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RE: Making the transition: serious dating - 5/13/2008 3:10:28 AM
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Cute-N-Sassy
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Awesome thread idea!! I'm sitting here tonight thinking about a transition that has little to do with dating. God and I are going on a new journey starting now and for me it means putting away my passivity and discouragement and taking charge of some things. In this situation that's getting me started, it means dealing with some very powerful people and even more powerful systems.
Where it relates to dating, I am in a period of my life where I'm content with being single... I don't have a lot of time to devote to a relationship right now. That required a transition from having an active social life to having none... zip... nada (though I'm chasing a dream... a passion... instead).
When it comes time for me to seriously consider dating again, I'm sure there will be more changes... putting away any selfish use of time, deciding what I want to hold tightly to and what I'll want to hold loosely to (I will likely hold tightly to my career, though I could be flexible and only work part-time if I'm able.
I'll have to give this more thought and come back later.
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RE: Making the transition: serious dating - 5/13/2008 3:30:55 AM
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Above_All
Posts: 12148
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quote:
What kinds of things happen during this time of transition? What's important to consider?
There are many things I can think of but here is just a few to start off. There are obvious answers and not so obvious ones. Here's a few to start...
...Your attitude changes and it can depend on what kind of mode of thinking you have prior to making the decision to seriously date. I find that we are usually our best during this time because we are trying make a good impression on the other person. I think that as much as we believe that we are true to ourselves early on, you are still very far from experiencing life with another person. You are getting to know each other. First impressions and attraction do play a factor. You may change your looks a little. You may go out of your way to impress. But your attitude can be the most positive during this time of transition.
...Your friendships begin to change. Even at this early stage, evidence of change regarding your friendships can occur. Your time and priorities shift a little but not so much that you can't make room or time for your friends. A good indicator to me personally of who will end up your friends in the long run are the ones that are most supportive for you and the ones who don't make a big deal of the less time being spend with them. I find that even at this early stage, you can predict to some extent who will end up staying in your life and who will not. I personally can give you an example of both kinds. One friend of mine whom I have known for years is still my friend, despite not seeing me as often lately. And she doesn't have experience in dating and relationships either. Another gal, I had a good relationship with her the past 4 or 5 years and I know her quite well. She, on the other hand can sometimes have doubtful attitude (remember I met my DF here online) and her expectations are so high that it has affected her ability to support me. We don't talk much lately and I only see her at church. She has become more cordial. Two things about this particular friendship, 1) I don't feel she has any confidence in my judgment and 2) Because we have had two completely different life experiences, she can be more negative and I more positive. And the thing is that it's ok because in this case I feel that it's really meant to be. She's married too. Not single. I find that G-d tends to weed out people in your life AND keep some that will be good and gracious for you.
< Message edited by Above_All -- 5/13/2008 3:46:20 AM >
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RE: Making the transition: serious dating - 5/13/2008 3:39:54 AM
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Above_All
Posts: 12148
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quote:
Grace:
When it comes time for me to seriously consider dating again, I'm sure there will be more changes... putting away any selfish use of time, deciding what I want to hold tightly to and what I'll want to hold loosely to (I will likely hold tightly to my career, though I could be flexible and only work part-time if I'm able.
Great points Grace. Your post made me think about something important. If marriage is a reflection of Christ and the Church then transitions in our single life is very much like our relationship with Christ as well! Think about it. When we first come to Christ, we are getting to know him right? We have to put away selfish uses of time to make more time to get to know Him and His Word. And many times we do try to decide what about our lives we want to hold on to. Christians often are flexible in their relationship with G-d too. I've been through that time with G-d.
Eventually though as we get to know G-d, our love for Him eventually grows and we learn to obey and conform to Him. So in retrospect, this transition is very unknown one. You don't know yet where the relationship is going. It's still a very human one. We are open yet our boundaries and individualities are very much still strong.
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Table for Two...And then some
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RE: Making the transition: serious dating - 5/13/2008 5:50:42 AM
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mutinywxgirl
Posts: 13077
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I feel God is calling me to begin preparing for marriage. What that means, I have NO clue. My prayer is that I don't allow that to influence my interaction with my friends too much, since many of them are "virtual". However, I'm also not so unrealistic to realize that things won't change - they will. They always do.
Having accountability partners to help you "keep your head" is vital. For me, at least, I must make sure that I don't get ahead of God's timing in this respect. Women need to have married women who can help us to learn what it means to be in a truly godly marriage and to be a truly godly wife. Men need the same thing with men in their lives.
Changes are inevitable.
_____________________________
When blood and water hit the ground.
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down.
We were free and made alive.
The day true love died. The day true love died.
THE ROWDIES ARE BACK!!!!!!!
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RE: Making the transition: serious dating - 5/13/2008 6:02:54 PM
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shemaromans
Posts: 3854
Joined: 3/30/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mutinywxgirl
Having accountability partners to help you "keep your head" is vital. For me, at least, I must make sure that I don't get ahead of God's timing in this respect.
Repeating this part, Lisa. I agree with you completely.
_____________________________
"But as for me, it is good to be near God." Psalm 73:28
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RE: Making the transition: serious dating - 5/13/2008 9:33:14 PM
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devinevessel
Posts: 306
Joined: 8/28/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Above_All
quote:
What kinds of things happen during this time of transition? What's important to consider?
There are many things I can think of but here is just a few to start off. There are obvious answers and not so obvious ones. Here's a few to start...
...Your attitude changes and it can depend on what kind of mode of thinking you have prior to making the decision to seriously date. I find that we are usually our best during this time because we are trying make a good impression on the other person. I think that as much as we believe that we are true to ourselves early on, you are still very far from experiencing life with another person. You are getting to know each other. First impressions and attraction do play a factor. You may change your looks a little. You may go out of your way to impress. But your attitude can be the most positive during this time of transition.
...Your friendships begin to change. Even at this early stage, evidence of change regarding your friendships can occur. Your time and priorities shift a little but not so much that you can't make room or time for your friends. A good indicator to me personally of who will end up your friends in the long run are the ones that are most supportive for you and the ones who don't make a big deal of the less time being spend with them. I find that even at this early stage, you can predict to some extent who will end up staying in your life and who will not. I personally can give you an example of both kinds. One friend of mine whom I have known for years is still my friend, despite not seeing me as often lately. And she doesn't have experience in dating and relationships either. Another gal, I had a good relationship with her the past 4 or 5 years and I know her quite well. She, on the other hand can sometimes have doubtful attitude (remember I met my DF here online) and her expectations are so high that it has affected her ability to support me. We don't talk much lately and I only see her at church. She has become more cordial. Two things about this particular friendship, 1) I don't feel she has any confidence in my judgment and 2) Because we have had two completely different life experiences, she can be more negative and I more positive. And the thing is that it's ok because in this case I feel that it's really meant to be. She's married too. Not single. I find that G-d tends to weed out people in your life AND keep some that will be good and gracious for you.
I wanted to make the point bold. This is sooooo important. I have never had a serious dating relationship. There used to be a time I didn't like it when my friends dated because it meant that I would not see them or if I did tt would be me the friend and her boyfriend. As I got older fortunately that changed and my friends always made time for their friends when ever they dated. Sometimes I felt like the third wheel or the last resort because my friend's boyfriend was busy. I think it is very important that friendships be maintained. Friends can be objective and see things we can not see.
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RE: Making the transition: serious dating - 5/13/2008 11:56:28 PM
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shemaromans
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I hope you discover it, BL.
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"But as for me, it is good to be near God." Psalm 73:28
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RE: Making the transition: serious dating - 5/15/2008 2:11:11 AM
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Above_All
Posts: 12148
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: man's rib
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Ok, here's another thing I think it's important...
Emotions. I think that no matter what, you will either not have any at all or have them. Call it infatuation if you like but if things begin to go well, you will experience this. I think there's nothing wrong with it but it's important to learn how to effectively deal with them. Emotional feelings and attractiveness to me is what propels the relationship to move forward. It separates us from our friendships. While it's important it's also one of the hardest things to deal with. You don't want it to dictate or define your relationship as a whole.
I personally feel that strong emotions can lead to many things. It can cause those very unrealistic expectations people can have. It can cause us to really feel depressed if the other person doesn't feel the same way. And in extreme cases, it can lead to temptation. One thing that I have done to deal with my emotions is to not ignore it but to put some of it in my pocket so-to-speak, I guess that means that I have experienced it but I prevented myself from expressing it too much. I even denied it at times just so that I could prevent it from controlling me.
_____________________________
<--- Our engagement sketch
Table for Two...And then some
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RE: Making the transition: serious dating - 5/15/2008 6:49:37 AM
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mutinywxgirl
Posts: 13077
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: west coast of FL
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quote:
I personally feel that strong emotions can lead to many things. It can cause those very unrealistic expectations people can have. It can cause us to really feel depressed if the other person doesn't feel the same way. And in extreme cases, it can lead to temptation. One thing that I have done to deal with my emotions is to not ignore it but to put some of it in my pocket so-to-speak, I guess that means that I have experienced it but I prevented myself from expressing it too much. I even denied it at times just so that I could prevent it from controlling me.
And this is where that accountability partner is so vital - to help us keep our heads at such times. We do not want to get ahead of what God has for us, and especially we woman are masters at that.
_____________________________
When blood and water hit the ground.
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down.
We were free and made alive.
The day true love died. The day true love died.
THE ROWDIES ARE BACK!!!!!!!
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RE: Making the transition: serious dating - 5/15/2008 3:41:50 PM
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PreserveWildlife
Posts: 1233
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From: Tennessee
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I think of what friends of mine have said upon entering various stages of a relationship: it's hard to describe to people who haven't experienced it. It's like speaking of a desert to a fish. But in the spirit of this thread, here are the stages as I understand them:
1. Gushyness
2. Lovey-doveyness
3. False intimacy
4. Fear
5. Real intimacy
6. Stronger love
7. Fear
8. Resolution
9. Fear
10. Commitment
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RE: Making the transition: serious dating - 5/15/2008 7:15:56 PM
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WaitingforBoaz
Posts: 3136
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From: The Hundred Acre Wood
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quote:
ORIGINAL: PreserveWildlife
I think of what friends of mine have said upon entering various stages of a relationship: it's hard to describe to people who haven't experienced it. It's like speaking of a desert to a fish. But in the spirit of this thread, here are the stages as I understand them:
1. Gushyness
2. Lovey-doveyness
3. False intimacy
4. Fear
5. Real intimacy
6. Stronger love
7. Fear
8. Resolution
9. Fear
10. Commitment
I can see where those could be the stages for some men. I think for a woman the stages would be somewhat different.
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Nadine
"It's like every thing good collided today" quote from my 8yr old daughter
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RE: Making the transition: serious dating - 5/15/2008 7:37:07 PM
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WaitingforBoaz
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This is the list I came up with(for women), it is by no means complete and would vary considering the individual and relationship history.
1. Attraction
2. Friendship/mild intimacy
3. Physical relationship/kissing,hugging,holding hands,sitting close
4. Attachment/infatuation
5. Deeper intimacy/sharing of hopes, dreams and desires in context of relationship
6. Love/Feeling of being “in Love”
7. Commitment
Edited for clarity
< Message edited by followtheLeader -- 5/15/2008 10:46:33 PM >
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Nadine
"It's like every thing good collided today" quote from my 8yr old daughter
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RE: Making the transition: serious dating - 5/15/2008 10:44:55 PM
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rcudawg
Posts: 325
Joined: 10/20/2005
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Clarification.... Sharon and I are engaged and will be married in August. We're not married... Yet.... Still, a lot of change in my life. At least it's spread out fairly well.
In Christ,
RC
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RE: Making the transition: serious dating - 5/16/2008 3:32:54 AM
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So anyway this is a topic that is already on my mind. I will be thinking about it a little deeper and come back and post again.
