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Marrying a woman or man with a child (or two) - 7/3/2009 12:42:46 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 4028
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How do you guys and girls feel about dating a person with a child or two? Is this something that requires serious thoughts and consideration before you decide to date them?
How do you feel about taking on the role of a father to children that are not biologically yours? And what kind of role do you see yourself playing if you were to marry someone with children?
Does it make you examine your financial role and obligations if you were to marry someone with children?
Does the age of the children matter to you?
What other things do you consider when it comes to dating women or men with children?
_____________________________
Search me, Oh God, and know my heart
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me, and
Lead me in the way everlasting Psalm 139:22-24
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Go Steelers!!!
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RE: Marrying a woman or man with a child (or two) - 7/3/2009 1:18:15 PM
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Janetlove
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This is a great topic!! I was just thinking about this. A year or two ago, I would've said absolutely not. But now I would say, it would depend on the guy and the situation with the child's mom. If there's tension and drama between the parents, then I can't get involved. Also it would depend on the number of children. My limit is two. As far as age, no younger than 3 or 4 years of age.
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RE: Marrying a woman or man with a child (or two) - 7/3/2009 1:43:10 PM
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ShallbeRebuilt
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I have children, 4, although two of them are adult. I would definitely marry a man with children, even if they were younger, because I always wanted to have more anyway.
But now I think I'm more looking for a fellow who can be a wonderful and amazing grandfather rather than a father. As to the OP, I would say that is one of the MAIN things I'm looking for in a worthy gentleman: he should want to be and have potential to be an amazing grandfather!
So bring it on. Children are nothing to be scared of!
shallbe
_____________________________
has decided that the command against forsaking the assembling of ourselves together shall henceforth be considered satisfied when she wakes up each morning and finds that all her body parts are still assembled...
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RE: Marrying a woman or man with a child (or two) - 7/3/2009 2:00:07 PM
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actorguy282
Posts: 215
Joined: 1/31/2009
From: dusty west texas
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At my age dating a woman with kids is pretty much par for the course.How ever I have run into a few that didn't,But anyway I don't mind if a woman has kids as long as they are well behaved and there is no baby daddy drama.
_____________________________
There are no stupid questions just stupid answers
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RE: Marrying a woman or man with a child (or two) - 7/3/2009 2:44:54 PM
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JHerr
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A lot of factors come into play. But all in all, I dont think a woman having children would be too much of a problem for me.
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My teaching is not my own. It comes from him who sent me. If anyone chooses to do God's will, he will find out whether my teaching comes from God or whether I speak of my own. John 7:16-17
http://vaporzone.blogspot.com/
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RE: Marrying a woman or man with a child (or two) - 7/3/2009 3:05:39 PM
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makarizo
Posts: 2524
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I love kids, and at my age, the prospect of having any is fading, so in a sense, I would prefer to have a relationship with someone who has children.
taking on the role of 'father' would come wayyyyyy down the road, and taking on the role of friend is much more importanter. it is important to never let a child in that situation feel like theyt are an extra person, or getting in the way or something like that. trust and respect is something that I would want to earned & give without any short cuts.
Children are little experts at filling in the blanks of any given situation, That is why keeping them in the dark is not always a very healthy thing.
things i consider.......
there are some who subscribe to the belief that when a relationship ends, so must the friendship, and all contact and communication...... the children pretty much have no say in this decision....if something didn't work out in the relationship, I wouldn't want a child to feel rejected. in fact, I was 'burned' by this not too long ago.
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RE: Marrying a woman or man with a child (or two) - 7/3/2009 3:43:56 PM
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somehere
Posts: 10
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
How do you guys and girls feel about dating a person with a child or two? Is this something that requires serious thoughts and consideration before you decide to date them?
How do you feel about taking on the role of a father to children that are not biologically yours? And what kind of role do you see yourself playing if you were to marry someone with children?
Does it make you examine your financial role and obligations if you were to marry someone with children?
Does the age of the children matter to you?
What other things do you consider when it comes to dating women or men with children?
I personally would have to seriously consider the implications. My parents divorced and remarried while I was growing up. I really hated, and still do to some extent, having to deal with certain aspects of that whole situation and would have serious doubts about entering into the same situation as one of the adults.
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RE: Marrying a woman or man with a child (or two) - 7/4/2009 1:10:58 AM
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rebakahblam
Posts: 1587
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From: Indianapolis
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quote:
How do you guys and girls feel about dating a person with a child or two? Is this something that requires serious thoughts and consideration before you decide to date them?
I would have to take some serious time to consider if I would date them. I'll admit a bit of it is selfish because I'd prefer just to have my own children first. The other half of it is I truly would need to evaluate whether or not I could provide what they would need - I'd have to look at the background..I'm not one for drama, let alone baby mama drama. The thought of instant family sort of scares me simply because it'd require a few more hurdles to jump..but that's not to say that it'd be a deal breaker for me.
-reba.
_____________________________
<<<<can't nobody pull off aviators like i can.
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RE: Marrying a woman or man with a child (or two) - 7/4/2009 12:48:36 PM
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SavedByGraceMD
Posts: 1263
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This is a good question.
For a while, I was totally against it. Wouldn't even consider it really. I even passed up a chance to date a lady, because she had a daughter. Not only did I not want to be a dad to someone esles child, I didn't want the drama that may come with that.
Now though, I accept that many single woman my age, may have children. I think it would be an honor to be found worthy of helping raise someone esles child. To be deemed a good daddy by the mom, or good daddy material, would mean a lot to me. So my view has changed drastically.
Though I would prefer the children to be young, because like Blueeyed said, I am not ready to deal with a teenager and the attitude they may have. So the younger the better, even infants.
I think sadly, that single moms are overlooked on many occasions. Us single guys may be missing some really wonderful women.
_____________________________
Isaiah 41:10
"Fear not for I am with you,
Do not be dismayed for I am your God,
I will strengthen you and help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand"
http://followtheleader-mat1624.blogspot.com/
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RE: Marrying a woman or man with a child (or two) - 7/4/2009 1:30:47 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 4028
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Thanks for the replies, guys. I really appreciate all the honesty. This is somethign I've given serious thoughts to because I am a single mom and we do come as a package.
quote:
I had a stepson and it was one of the most horrific things I ever went through as a parent. He was not taught respect and was allowed to create venomous lies to his mother and other family members. Not only that but he knew (because his father told us both multiple times) his father placed him above me and that if I did anything to hurt him, his father would get rid of me.
Tink, I wrote a response to this thread last night but I didn't post it as I wasn't quite sure what I was getting at. But the bolded part....that's one of my concern. I would obviously place my daughter above my husband, which many would agree , isn't biblical. But what is a parent to do when there is a child who completely relies on her/him for everything? Wouldnt' you give priority to your children? I honestly can't or will not choose my husband over my daughter at this point...which is one of the many reasons why I don't have a relationship. I've ended relationships just because I could not make spending time with them a priority while I have a daughter who needs me at home.
I don't know. This is really a lot more complicated than many people would care to admit. I'm still not sure about it, and often times, I think I'd rather wait until she's grown up, which is just another 6 years, before I get involved. 
_____________________________
Search me, Oh God, and know my heart
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me, and
Lead me in the way everlasting Psalm 139:22-24
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Go Steelers!!!
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RE: Marrying a woman or man with a child (or two) - 7/4/2009 2:55:46 PM
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Tinkerbell_
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Joined: 1/25/2008
From: NeverNeverLand
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That may be a wise decision. I had a hard time understanding this as well, and from what I know, when two people marry they become one. You are not one with your children. You have them, you raise them in the best way possible, and then you set them loose. Your spouse is to be with you until death do you part. Your spouse is who you grow old with.
I love my children and would do anything for them, but I also understand that my role is to be their mother and my job is to teach them and let them go. I would hope that if my husband and I were to marry that we would do the best by the boys and I would understand that my children are still my children and they need to respect the adults. Period. I would not cater to them, I don't cater to them so I don't see the need to do so in the future.
As far as my relationship with my ex went, I don't think you would take it to the extreme they did. If my son told my ex that I hit him, or yelled at him, or whatnot my ex would believe him whether it ws true or not. If his son wanted to go to St. Louis for the weekend and go to games, Six Flags, expensive restaurants my ex would take him and all the money, leaving me and my boys behind knowing we needed groceries. Whatever his son wanted he got regardless of what I thought. I would hope you don't operate that way. 
His son knew this and even though he was young, he played it to the best of his ability.
_____________________________
When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Will you be strong enough to be my man?
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RE: Marrying a woman or man with a child (or two) - 7/4/2009 3:32:57 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 4028
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
That may be a wise decision. I had a hard time understanding this as well, and from what I know, when two people marry they become one. You are not one with your children. You have them, you raise them in the best way possible, and then you set them loose. Your spouse is to be with you until death do you part. Your spouse is who you grow old with
This is my understanding, too. I've always heard of fathers scolding their children for "disrespecting his wife (their mother)" which I think shows early on how a husband honors his wife. I can fully understand this. But in blended marriages, if one spouse is made to choose between his own children or his wife, this can be tough.
For example, my ex has chosen his wife over our kid because his wife couldn't handle the idea of blended families. Prior to them getting married, she was crazy about my kid. I was very at peace at the thought of leaving my kid to her when/if I were to die because I knew she would be loved and cared for. But the last 3 years, she had distanced herself from my kid and not sure if it's true or not, but my ex is prevented from seeing her. So, he has stayed away for 2 years now. I can understand him choosing his wife and his younger children, but to totally give up his relationship with his kid because of his wife....that's not something I can se myself ever doing.
How about this worst case scenario. You married a wonderful man/woman. Your kid goes through teen years and starts acting up like most teens do. Let's say she got involved with drugs, or starts hanging out with the wrong crowd, or starts sleeping with her boyfriend (at 15....I know way too many kids that do this) and your wife/husband decides your kid should be kicked out of your house because your child is a bad example to your other children. What do you do? Your kid is too young to be on his own, and your husband or wife is not equipped to handle the drama. Do you kick your kid out or do you just go along with your husband? I've seen this happen in my family, and it was the most heart breaking thing I ever saw.
And I think one reason why I completely rule out having children again is the drama that comes with blended families.
_____________________________
Search me, Oh God, and know my heart
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me, and
Lead me in the way everlasting Psalm 139:22-24
-------------------------------------
Go Steelers!!!
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RE: Marrying a woman or man with a child (or two) - 7/4/2009 5:04:19 PM
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skreyola
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I think I could marry a woman who already had children, provided she expected me to take on the role of their father. I know blended families aren't that cut and dried, but that's the generalization I'm going to make unless there are legitimate mitigating factors, and those simply can't be generalized or really settled in a public forum.
However, let me point out that I won't even consider dating a woman if she says (or has in her online profile, for example) that her child(ren) are the center of/most important thing in her life. If she says that, she has her priorities wrong, both as a human and as a parent. People who make their children the center of their life or their marriage are not giving proper place to God or providing their children with a family that is stable, because the children have too much influence over decisions that should be made by adults.
I'm sure someone will disagree with me, but that's where I stand, for what it's worth.
_____________________________
-- Skreyola, who has left the building.
To learn from your experiences is good, but to learn from the experiences of others is better.
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RE: Marrying a woman or man with a child (or two) - 7/4/2009 5:14:09 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 4028
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quote:
ORIGINAL: skreyola
I think I could marry a woman who already had children, provided she expected me to take on the role of their father. I know blended families aren't that cut and dried, but that's the generalization I'm going to make unless there are legitimate mitigating factors, and those simply can't be generalized or really settled in a public forum.
However, let me point out that I won't even consider dating a woman if she says (or has in her online profile, for example) that her child(ren) are the center of/most important thing in her life. If she says that, she has her priorities wrong, both as a human and as a parent. People who make their children the center of their life or their marriage are not giving proper place to God or providing their children with a family that is stable, because the children have too much influence over decisions that should be made by adults.
I'm sure someone will disagree with me, but that's where I stand, for what it's worth.
That is fair. We're assuming that we're talking about Christians when we're discussing this, and we can only assume that their priorities is Christ. But given the amount of responsibility of child raising, where do you believe should children place in the list of priorities of single parents?
_____________________________
Search me, Oh God, and know my heart
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me, and
Lead me in the way everlasting Psalm 139:22-24
-------------------------------------
Go Steelers!!!
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RE: Marrying a woman or man with a child (or two) - 7/4/2009 7:23:12 PM
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Grace-N-Mercy
Posts: 4331
Joined: 5/2/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
quote:
ORIGINAL: skreyola
I think I could marry a woman who already had children, provided she expected me to take on the role of their father. I know blended families aren't that cut and dried, but that's the generalization I'm going to make unless there are legitimate mitigating factors, and those simply can't be generalized or really settled in a public forum.
However, let me point out that I won't even consider dating a woman if she says (or has in her online profile, for example) that her child(ren) are the center of/most important thing in her life. If she says that, she has her priorities wrong, both as a human and as a parent. People who make their children the center of their life or their marriage are not giving proper place to God or providing their children with a family that is stable, because the children have too much influence over decisions that should be made by adults.
I'm sure someone will disagree with me, but that's where I stand, for what it's worth.
That is fair. We're assuming that we're talking about Christians when we're discussing this, and we can only assume that their priorities is Christ. But given the amount of responsibility of child raising, where do you believe should children place in the list of priorities of single parents?
I'm just going to jump in here real quick and say that what he's probably talking about is the concept of child-worship... the parent whose whole world revolves around their child... giving them everything to the exclusion of their spouse & God and even themselves. There's not a balance. It's not talking about the single parent. Child rearing is tough and time-consuming for sure, but God has to remain the center of the family.
Would I marry someone with children? That's difficult to answer, and I'm not going to give a definitive yes or no answer. I'd rather marry a widow who has five respectful children than a man who has one very disrespectful teenager who could destroy the family. I live a quiet life, so jumping into chaos of custody battles, false accusations, and late-night bail outs would probably not work for me... I wouldn't last. 
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RE: Marrying a woman or man with a child (or two) - 7/4/2009 10:42:49 PM
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John_O
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Joined: 9/5/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
I have yet to meet a single father who has the same high expectations for his children that I do for mine and that would cause problems immediately. With the fathers I know, their children live most of the time with the mum's so they want their time with their children to be "fun" and "worry free". Not a lot of discipline is involved or expectations. It would be hard for my children if they are expected to meet higher standards than their stepsiblings and definitely unfair for everyone.
Hi I'm John. And I'm a single father who expects, no demands, that my Girl behave herself properly (That's not saying that she does however).
(Not you can't say you've never met one)
As a widower my situation is more like that of the single moms. I have my child full time. She is mine.
Unlike most single mom's I have no other parent who is making life miserable for us.
So would I date a woman who has pre-existing children? You bet. How could I do otherwise. Of course this will cause some difficulty early in the dating and marriage as we work out discipline issues etc, but such is life.
We've been training the Girl that she will not have a "step"-mom. She will have a mom. "step" is dirty word meaning "different" or "not real".
My next wife will be my wife. One flesh. Her children will be my children. My child will be her child. All will be treated the same. How can we be a family if each child is not the same as all teh other children?.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Marrying a woman or man with a child (or two) - 7/4/2009 11:09:16 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 4028
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quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
My next wife will be my wife. One flesh. Her children will be my children. My child will be her child. All will be treated the same. How can we be a family if each child is not the same as all teh other children?.
That's good to see, John. This is my idea of a blended marriage as well. I mean, anyone going into a situation where children are involved, one should assume that there's parenting responsibility that goes with the arrangement. I honestly can't imagine marrying a man who would accept me as his wife, and my child as just a tag along. When my brother died, his wife was left to parent his child from his first wife. And even though she had a hard time with it, she took on the responsibility of raising him and guiding him like she would her own child.
Maybe I'm asking a little too much in expecting whomever I marry to assume the responsibility of raising my daughter should I die. Now that I think about it, this is probably an important criteria that's always been at the back of my mind.
As for psycho ex, I haven't met any psycho exes...and most of the story about them are likely were exaggeration by both parties. In families where I've seen psycho exes, both parties usually try to make it very difficult for each other to get along so, I always stay neutral when it comes to them. My ex and I usually let the lawyers hash things out, so when we talk, we're quite respectful and even friendly.
_____________________________
Search me, Oh God, and know my heart
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me, and
Lead me in the way everlasting Psalm 139:22-24
-------------------------------------
Go Steelers!!!
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RE: Marrying a woman or man with a child (or two) - 7/4/2009 11:19:20 PM
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Tinkerbell_
Posts: 8033
Joined: 1/25/2008
From: NeverNeverLand
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
That may be a wise decision. I had a hard time understanding this as well, and from what I know, when two people marry they become one. You are not one with your children. You have them, you raise them in the best way possible, and then you set them loose. Your spouse is to be with you until death do you part. Your spouse is who you grow old with
This is my understanding, too. I've always heard of fathers scolding their children for "disrespecting his wife (their mother)" which I think shows early on how a husband honors his wife. I can fully understand this. But in blended marriages, if one spouse is made to choose between his own children or his wife, this can be tough.
For example, my ex has chosen his wife over our kid because his wife couldn't handle the idea of blended families. Prior to them getting married, she was crazy about my kid. I was very at peace at the thought of leaving my kid to her when/if I were to die because I knew she would be loved and cared for. But the last 3 years, she had distanced herself from my kid and not sure if it's true or not, but my ex is prevented from seeing her. So, he has stayed away for 2 years now. I can understand him choosing his wife and his younger children, but to totally give up his relationship with his kid because of his wife....that's not something I can se myself ever doing.
How about this worst case scenario. You married a wonderful man/woman. Your kid goes through teen years and starts acting up like most teens do. Let's say she got involved with drugs, or starts hanging out with the wrong crowd, or starts sleeping with her boyfriend (at 15....I know way too many kids that do this) and your wife/husband decides your kid should be kicked out of your house because your child is a bad example to your other children. What do you do? Your kid is too young to be on his own, and your husband or wife is not equipped to handle the drama. Do you kick your kid out or do you just go along with your husband? I've seen this happen in my family, and it was the most heart breaking thing I ever saw.
And I think one reason why I completely rule out having children again is the drama that comes with blended families.
While I appreciate the thought, PH, your scenario could happen to a non blended family. I've seen it happen all the time. That's why parenting decisions have to be prayerfully made and the couple need to be one unit when making decisions.
And IMO, there is a HUGE difference between living the life Christ called for us to do and be married completely in His will, and shutting out a child because a spouse wants you to. That's cowardly and unscriptural, no offence to your ex, and I wouldn't expect any of us to marry anyone with that character...you know?
Unfortunately all of our life issues will play a huge part in the decisions we make and it's a wonderful thing that we're not making them blindly; we have wonderful guidance. 
_____________________________
When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Will you be strong enough to be my man?
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RE: Marrying a woman or man with a child (or two) - 7/4/2009 11:32:17 PM
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skreyola
Posts: 827
Joined: 1/28/2008
From: 31/M/325[0-9][0-9]
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
quote:
ORIGINAL: skreyola
I think I could marry a woman who already had children, provided she expected me to take on the role of their father. I know blended families aren't that cut and dried, but that's the generalization I'm going to make unless there are legitimate mitigating factors, and those simply can't be generalized or really settled in a public forum.
However, let me point out that I won't even consider dating a woman if she says (or has in her online profile, for example) that her child(ren) are the center of/most important thing in her life. If she says that, she has her priorities wrong, both as a human and as a parent. People who make their children the center of their life or their marriage are not giving proper place to God or providing their children with a family that is stable, because the children have too much influence over decisions that should be made by adults.
I'm sure someone will disagree with me, but that's where I stand, for what it's worth.
That is fair. We're assuming that we're talking about Christians when we're discussing this, and we can only assume that their priorities is Christ. But given the amount of responsibility of child raising, where do you believe should children place in the list of priorities of single parents?
Children are a precious gift from God, but they shouldn't be the center of someone else's existence. That is God's place. And they shouldn't be the center of a marriage (a child is only in the household for 18-20 years, in today's culture, but probably not nearly as long as the marriage should last). That is the place of the couple.
For a single parent, the focus should be similar to the married parent: Focus on God first, on your health and your support relationships (this is where the married person would focus on the spouse), then on the well-being of the children, then on the needs of other family, then on others, and finally on the wants and whims of him/herself and the children.
Yes, having a child will necessitate many scheduling concerns, budgeting concerns, and other decision-making considerations, but that doesn't mean the child is the center or focus. For instance, look at budgeting your finances. First, you give to God what God tells you is right. Second, you pay for the things that support your well-being and health (you can't do anything for the child if you don't keep up your own strength; like the oxygen mask model on an airplane), as well as setting aside money needed to spend time with your support network and maintain those relationships. Third, you budget for the things needed to keep the children healthy and secure. Then on things needed for the other duties and relationships in your life. Finally, if there is enough left, you start fulfilling the wants that are not needs. Not only is it good stewardship, it helps pass on the values of stewardship to the children.
That's the view from where I sit.
_____________________________
-- Skreyola, who has left the building.
To learn from your experiences is good, but to learn from the experiences of others is better.
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RE: Marrying a woman or man with a child (or two) - 7/5/2009 12:16:01 AM
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skreyola
Posts: 827
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From: 31/M/325[0-9][0-9]
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Grace-N-Mercy
quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
quote:
ORIGINAL: skreyola
I think I could marry a woman who already had children, provided she expected me to take on the role of their father. I know blended families aren't that cut and dried, but that's the generalization I'm going to make unless there are legitimate mitigating factors, and those simply can't be generalized or really settled in a public forum.
However, let me point out that I won't even consider dating a woman if she says (or has in her online profile, for example) that her child(ren) are the center of/most important thing in her life. If she says that, she has her priorities wrong, both as a human and as a parent. People who make their children the center of their life or their marriage are not giving proper place to God or providing their children with a family that is stable, because the children have too much influence over decisions that should be made by adults.
I'm sure someone will disagree with me, but that's where I stand, for what it's worth.
That is fair. We're assuming that we're talking about Christians when we're discussing this, and we can only assume that their priorities is Christ. But given the amount of responsibility of child raising, where do you believe should children place in the list of priorities of single parents?
I'm just going to jump in here real quick and say that what he's probably talking about is the concept of child-worship... the parent whose whole world revolves around their child... giving them everything to the exclusion of their spouse & God and even themselves. There's not a balance. It's not talking about the single parent. Child rearing is tough and time-consuming for sure, but God has to remain the center of the family.
Yes. And saying the children "are the center of my life" or "are the most important thing" is an indication that there's probably some child-worship happening, or at least that the children are probably more in control than the parent. So, what I'm really saying, apart from the importance of proper priorities, is that it's okay to say your children are precious and important to you, but if you say they're the center or the most important thing in your life, you're sending a message that you don't have room for God, let alone a man.
That's how I see it, for what little it's worth.
_____________________________
-- Skreyola, who has left the building.
To learn from your experiences is good, but to learn from the experiences of others is better.
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