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My Problem with Coveting - 10/21/2009 4:14:14 AM
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jdtinker
Posts: 18
Joined: 9/10/2009
Status: offline
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I know that some have of you have said that this forum is no substitute for real fellowship and although I would agree that it does prevent as strong of a connection; I do believe that church is not about a place where you go and sing hymns and organize activities together. I believe that church is about having someone to share in your love for God, someone that you can be completely honest with, so that you can grow together. So, I've been keeping a little bit of a journal lately, but I've decided that whenever I'm having an issue with something that's big enough to be a concern, I'm going to post what I've written here. I've always been told it helps to talk about it so hopefully, in doing so it will help me deal with things better through your advice and just by letting it out in the open, give some comfort to anyone who might be in the same situation, and help me grow in my relationships with God and the body of Christ.
Anyway, I've been having a problem that's gone on for a little while now concerning a female friend of mine, more specifically the girlfriend of one of my best friends. I'm baring my soul here guys, so be gentle and keep me in your prayers:
She's sitting next to me, so close that I could reach out and touch her. I want to; but I don't. I've found myself taking any opportunity to be around her lately. Of course, I know it's not a good idea, but I tell myself it's harmless. Still, I feel guilty. I know that there is no real danger. I could never buckle under that kind of temptation, not in this situation. I feel guilty because I wish I wasn't strong enough, that I could be overcome by my desire and say that I couldn't help it and know that was the truth. I could never do that though, God has strengthened me and put too much love in my heart to cause that kind of pain. I feel bad enough as it is, after all Jesus said that if you so much as think about another man's wife you've already committed adultery in your heart; but I could never betray him like that and she and I have become to close over the years to throw it all away now.
Still, there she sits at an arms length. She's as wild as I once was, but I think she's growing, him too. I'm not far ahead of her. We talk about God, the world, and ourselves; sometimes for hours. She gets me and she's so intelligent. She laughs at something on the screen and turns to me with a smile. I melt inside and return the smile, although I have no idea what she's laughing at. I haven't paid attention to anything since we sat down. I'm happy for him, he's lucky to have her. I'm glad for her too because she really loves him. I pray God will take this burden from me, but it hasn't happened yet. Sometimes I think it's because I really don't want it to happen. I wish he would start working days again, so that she could hang out with him instead of me. I couldn't push her away, it wouldn't be fair to her; she doesn't know because I hide it very well and we're such good friends.
That she's such an amazing woman is bad enough, but she has to be beautiful too. Now, I understand why I was supposed to wait until marriage; the temptation was so much easier to deal with before. I pray God will bring a woman into my life; but it hasn't happened yet either. Sometimes I think it would be easier; to be honest with that woman and know that she felt something for me too, that she loved ME and that all we'd have to do is wait until we were wed. Other times I think that it might actually be harder and if that were the case, God knows that would be the last thing I need. I love her, but I know it's not really romantic love. She really IS amazing, but I know the only reason I'm so drawn to her is because she is the closest thing to a godly woman that I know and I'm so lonely. Mostly, I just pray that God will remove my need for a companion, but it hasn't happened yet and still; there she sits at an arms length.
Is this normal for a person to feel like I'm feeling now? Why do these feelings persist? I wonder if I'm being too hard on myself. I know now that God loves me unconditionally and knows me better than I know myself. All the same, I can't help but be angry and disgusted with myself. I guess somehow I expected that once I became a Christian, that most of my sinfulness and immoral thoughts would just disappear, but I've learned that's not the way it works. I have to die-to-self every day; but this particular issue can be agonizing at times. I know that I won't falter, but all the same I want it to be over. Is it possible that this part of God's plan for me, a purification by fire sort of thing? I just hope it doesn't last much longer.
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RE: My Problem with Coveting - 10/21/2009 5:59:03 AM
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mariamaria
Posts: 203
Joined: 2/28/2007
Status: offline
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hi there,
I think you are forgetting you are only human and being way too tough on yourself, saying that I can see by what you are saying that you would never take this further then wanting to spend time with this girl.
I do feel that the more time you spend with this girl the more dangerous this may get, feelings get stronger over time and never lessen. Keep praying that's for sure but you also have to meet God half way and the way to do that and how I would deal with it if I were in your shoes would be to spend less time with her. I know this will be tough and you will find 101 reasons why you shouldn't but I really think it's for the best. As much as we may have love in our heart for God we still make emotional mistakes and I'd say this could end up being one.
Please keep me posted and if you need to chat at all inbox me
God bless
Maria
< Message edited by mariamaria -- 10/21/2009 6:05:45 AM >
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RE: My Problem with Coveting - 10/21/2009 6:57:07 AM
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DaveW
Posts: 3812
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
Status: offline
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Yeah - I had those crushes too. They can be pretty heavy at times.
You can do one of several things:
1 - remove your self from the situation. Start sitting in another part of the church, go to a different service if you have multiples, don't talk to her or even let yourself look at her beyond a passing glance. Go to a different church
2 - Tell her how you feel and hope she feels the same and your friend is overly gracious and understanding about you stealing his girlfriend.
3 - wait for them to break up and you step in then.
4 - pray for the Lord to send you the RIGHT young lady at His proper time, and to help you deal with the desires and longings that have targeted her, and then be patient.
Which do you think you should do?
_____________________________
Avatar is my daughter Laura and SIL David on their wedding 9/20/09 ====================================
Our CD is now available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
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RE: My Problem with Coveting - 10/21/2009 12:04:02 PM
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Liveloved
Posts: 1826
Status: offline
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quote:
Is this normal for a person to feel like I'm feeling now? Why do these feelings persist? I wonder if I'm being too hard on myself. I know now that God loves me unconditionally and knows me better than I know myself. All the same, I can't help but be angry and disgusted with myself. I guess somehow I expected that once I became a Christian, that most of my sinfulness and immoral thoughts would just disappear, but I've learned that's not the way it works. I have to die-to-self every day; but this particular issue can be agonizing at times. I know that I won't falter, but all the same I want it to be over. Is it possible that this part of God's plan for me, a purification by fire sort of thing? I just hope it doesn't last much longer.
Wow, jd, your truthfulness is awesome! The Lord loves it when we are absolutely, totally truthful with Him. He knows it all anyway but He longs for us to bring it out in the open, confess it truthfully, so light can shine on it. Thank you for sharing this. And you are absolutely right that this is the Lord's desire for His body as well. . . to bear these kinds of burdens with and for our brothers and sisters. I pray we honor Him by bearing this with you and help you bear it as well.
You asked is this normal? I will counter with 'are you human?' Absolutely. It is normal. You're a man with all the feelings, emotions, desires and longings the Lord put within you. He wants you to feel and desire. But He also wants you to love Him, put Him first, and He will live His life out of you. This is what Jesus lived out for us. He experienced all of these feelings and desires as we do. Yet He took them all to His Father. And His Father's will was His own. So He did not act on His (Jesus') desires but those of His Father.
You know this. You are living this. And the answer is to continue to draw closer and closer to Jesus. Passionately pursue your relationship with Him and He will take care of your longings, your desires, and supply ALL your needs. He's rich like that and has ALL the resources you need.
Don't be angry or disgusted. Be thankful, my friend! Be thankful that the One Who made you is with you, is living in you, and longs to know and be known by you. He wants your heart to be His home! Let Him spend more time in your heart by your drawing closer and closer to Him. Let your anger lead you closer to Him.
Why do these feelings persist? Well, as long as you are alive (on this earth), you'll have struggles like this. It's a daily dying as you said. Read Paul's encouraging words in II Cor 4. He says this daily dying is for the very purpose of Jesus' life being made manifest in us! So your struggle is not a bad thing. It is the very thing that yields His life in you!
Rejoice, brother! You're in a wonderful place. You're His. You're being truthful, not playing games or deceived. And so just pursue Jesus. Let Him become the Lover of your soul that He longs to be. The struggle is not with your friend's girlfriend. The struggle is for your own soul and the true Lover. Believe and let Him have His way in you. I'm praying for you, Liveloved
_____________________________
Liveloved
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
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RE: My Problem with Coveting - 10/21/2009 3:43:23 PM
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jdtinker
Posts: 18
Joined: 9/10/2009
Status: offline
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Thanks guys. I know I'll never do anything about it because I see all to clearly the damage that I could do to my relationships with my friend and his girlfriend; and maintaining those relationships is more important to me. I guess the only real way of dealing with this is to keep coming to God with it like you guys are saying. I know that Jesus is working in me, but sometimes I don't see it so clearly. Honestly, women have always been a major weakness for me; but in recent years God has made me stronger in that area. I'm not as attracted to women who I can tell have no life in Christ. This is situation is a first for me because she's the kind of woman that I should be with; but not THE woman I should be with. My mother doesn't go to a church either; but she's always believed in God. She wants me to find a godly woman so bad because she wants grandchildren. Sometimes, she makes comments after my friend and his girlfriend have been at my house like you two seem to have so much in common, it seems like you should be together more than him and her. She doesn't mean anything by it really, God bless her, she's just desperate for grandchildren. Still, it doesn't help.
As far as truthfulness goes, for too long I've kept all my faults and wrongdoings to myself hiding them from those around me and even trying to hide it from God once I became a Christian. I've realized the only person I'm really trying to hide things from is myself; bottling it all up so I don't feel like I do anything wrong. That is until I read The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis. I learned that pride manifests itself in ways that I never really thought of. Recently, I read So You Don't Want To Go To Church Anymore by Wayne Jacobsen and Dave Coleman. I learned that the reason church never really helped me grow was because it wasn't real. Sure, their were people who believed that God existed, but few that truly walked with Him. It was more about going through the church ritual to give the appearance of being a Christian. All the while, people are criticizing each other behind closed doors and arguing over pointless issues.
That book taught me the true meaning of church. Jesus never meant that church should be an institution of weekly ritual that you force yourself into, he meant to put a stop to it. It's supposed to be a state of relationship between you and others who walk in Him. A relationship were you truly love each other, look out for each other, and share your inner demons so to speak. I'm learning now that this is what Jesus meant when He said the truth shall set you free. Yes, He meant that you can relax in the knowledge that He has died for your sins; but also showing that ritualistic church does nothing to save your soul. It's teaching sinners and Pharisees alike that being truthful about who YOU are is the key to walking with God. If you do that you can put down the charade of belief and start to really love and help yourself as well as others. It's not that gathering for worship in a building is wrong, but many teach that a church building is the house of God, which isn't true and leads many to believe that participating in an institutional church, even when some don't feel alive in it, is the what defines you as a Christian. It ignores what Jesus came to teach, that the house of God is no longer separate from us, but withing each and every believer. The church is the group of people, not the building.
I know now that if I want God to heal me, my relationship with Him, and my relationships with others, I have to be honest about who I am. He knows that where I'm hurting, but I have to show Him the dirt down in the wound first, so that He can clean it out and start the healing process. I still have a long way to go and I know it's going to be a hard road and that's what's the hardest to deal with right now. Since my life in Christ began, He's made me strong enough to resist many of the things that I used to have trouble with, but there are still many things I continue to struggle with; bad things I know I'll do again because I always fall under the temptation. I wish it could be like flipping a switch, but I know if that were the case I wouldn't learn anything. I'm so thankful that God is who He is and is doing what He is doing. If it were any other way, there would be no chance of salvation.
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