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Need advice on husband and porn - 7/3/2008 11:47:05 PM
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haines607
Posts: 6
Joined: 10/16/2007
Status: offline
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I need my Christian friends for Christian advice. It is my goal 99% of the time to react in the way Christ wants me to react and to behave he would expect me to, so I need help!
When my husband and I were first married, after six months of marriage I caught him searching for women on myspace with those nasty sites. And he did a search for some porn but only watched probably 10 seconds of it and then he stopped. He said he stopped because he knew it was wrong and he felt convicted. He never told me about this situation and I found all of this on the history of our computer so I confronted him. He felt so guilty, I could see it, and he promised he would never do it again and even more so he apologized he would never hurt me like that again. I explained to him that I view porn or searching for women or lusting after them as a form of cheating. The Bible does say if you lust after a women then you are committing adultery.
Then about a year later I caught him again and the worst part was that he totally lied to me for a few days and when he did confess he didn't see the big deal about it and said I was over reacting. We found out a few days later that I was pregnant with our first child so he blamed my reactions on my emotional rollercoaster.
Just today, I viewed our cable bill and found that he ordered two porn movies over the past couple of months. Those who would defend him would say, "it was only two" or "every guy does it" so if that is your answer then please stop reading this. Where I come from, a man treasures his wife, promises to be true to her in good times AND in bad, doesn't lie to her, doesn't hide things and has control over his desires God has placed in him.
How would you address this if you were in my situation? I have to be honest with you all, I am so mad, hurt and upset I don't want to react in the Christian way right now but I have control over myself so I won't react in the way the enemy want me to, I won't give him power in that way too in my marriage.
I believe in prayer, so please pray for me, my husband and us. Give me good Christian advice.
_____________________________
"For I know the plan I have for you. Plans to prosper you, not harm you and to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
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RE: Need advice on husband and porn - 7/4/2008 12:19:40 AM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 464
Joined: 6/15/2006
From: So Cal
Status: offline
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haines607...haven't seen you around before so I wasn't sure if there was some confusion over what one of the mods told you yesterday.
The thread you started yesterday was closed because there are already open threads dealing with this issue. You may want to go to one of those threads to see what others have been advised on how to deal with a husband that looks at porn.
_____________________________
"Sin will take you further than you intended to go, keep you there longer than you intended to stay, and cost you more than you intended to spend." Got it?
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RE: Need advice on husband and porn - 7/4/2008 12:42:56 AM
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TorchHeart
Posts: 762
Joined: 6/4/2008
From: One of the coldest places on Earth
Status: offline
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haines607... Your confronting him on this is the way to begin handling it. He doesn't need to be doing this. As for how to get it to stop, that is another matter. Have you tried looking into some martial counciling?
My suggesting in situatiosn like this is usually to look for a reason why your husband feels the need to look at pornography. Some people on here will tell you that looking at porn is in itself the problem; and sometimes they are right. However, I believe that a lot of the times this is a symptom of another problem.
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RE: Need advice on husband and porn - 7/5/2008 12:50:04 AM
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Beth67
Posts: 27
Joined: 7/4/2008
Status: offline
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Porn ... probably the Internet's greatest temptation. And Satan's favourite playground.
My husband struggles in this area. Time and time again, he falls prey to it. I can pretty much tell from his mood when he's been into it again. It's his greatest 'thorn'.
I am totally against it. I feel that Matthew 5:28 comes into play here (But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.) However, my husband will say that he's not actually lusting...it's a fantasy world...he would never physically commit adultery, therefore, he is not lusting after another woman. Hmmmm.
My husband feels that his being able to discuss this issue with me brings us closer together. He admits that it's a problem for him and try as he might, he always goes back to it. He says it's hard, because wherever he goes, there are beautiful women around. He can't escape it.
I certainly don't like it. Let's face it, making love to your husband knowing that he has these images floating around in his head does not bring you closer together. Every woman wants to be her husband's one and only...to feel cherished and loved.
Having said that, I do want to point out that my husband and I have a wonderful sex life. I definitely do not feel deprived in that area. 
However, I fear that if I put my foot down and say I won't stand for it, then I risk my husband clamming up and not being able to share with me his deepest feelings and struggles, which would also not bring us closer together.
So, what to do?
To be honest, I've numbed myself to it. I try not to let my feelings of inadequacy get in the way, realizing that he does love me, and that this is between him and God. Prayer is what comes to mind, but even then, I find it difficult to pray...feelings of guilt come into play...should I be doing more?
I also find the Old Testament difficult to comprehend....with all of the concubines. God allowed it. Why? So many significant men in the Old Testament had wives (plural) and concubines. Today, men like this idea (obviously) and women don't (obviously). My husband says it's natural.
As Solomon would say, "and there is no new thing under the sun".
I'm tired of the mental struggle it places me under.
So, no real advice here...sorry. Just more frustration.
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RE: Need advice on husband and porn - 7/5/2008 9:54:03 AM
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asmcgrew
Posts: 2
Joined: 7/5/2008
Status: offline
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Sorry to hear that. I've been facing the same issue within my marriage. However I just found out that my husband took it a step farther this time. He called several chat lines and meet up with two of the females he was chatting with. He swears that they didn't do anything. When I spoke to two of the females he met, one stated they didn't do anything but talk and the other swears they had sex. Who do I believe?
We been married for 3 1/2 years, dated for 5 and I'm at a cross road. You’re doing the right thing by confronting him because this addiction of pornography only gets worst if it's not dealt with. First it was him buying porn on t.v., then it was the internet, and then from there the chat lines and meeting them in person. I'm extremely upset, we have 3 kids, and I love my husband. But since I found out last week about his little meetings, I'm wondering if I can even stay married any longer. I know he really is a good man but each time I caught him he swore he wouldn't hurt me again in this manner. He's finally seeking help, but I can't help to wonder if he's really going to be able stop before he sleeps with another woman if he hasn't already.
I would see if your husband would be willing to look into a men's group in your area, or read the book Every Man's Battle (www.EveryMansBattle.com) As for you continue to pray and stay in the word of God.
May many blessings fall upon you and your house!
Angie
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RE: Need advice on husband and porn - 7/5/2008 11:10:23 AM
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karlie
Posts: 16703
Joined: 4/10/2005
From: Central California
Status: offline
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Moderator's Note:
I have already closed and linked a similar thread to existing threads on this topic. Please follow one of the links below to continue with this discussion.
Husband addicted to pornography
I found out something about DH
Please do not reply to this message within the Community, or PM me regarding this message.
Please email Community@salemwebnetwork.com with questions, comments, or concerns.
Sincerely,
Karlie
Forums Moderator
_____________________________
Shoes CAN change your life...just ask Cinderella
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