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Problem in the Family - 10/26/2009 1:57:14 PM
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brotherinlaw
Posts: 1
Joined: 10/26/2009
Status: offline
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I have a long standing problem with my sister’s husband and now with her as well. I would like to know what the Bible says about it and what I should do. Here is the story:
I program computers for a living, for hospitals self-employed, and really enjoy it. I have always been a Mathematical whiz and programming is like solving puzzles that I personally like.
As we were growing up, my father was very passive, never angry, and the whole family was somewhat passive. My wife’s psychiatrist told her a few years ago that I am, “one of the most laid-back, free-spirited people you’ll ever meet.”
However, my mother nagged my father relentlessly (he has no real friends, he embarrasses me so much we can’t have friends, he’s a lousy businessman who “bankrupted the store”, his family is crazy), which he simply accepted. She said his friends are using him and associate with him only because of the nice clothes she bought him and the store (their TV repair business) that she built. He gave her the paid-for townhouse and savings, and worked in restaurants in his 70’s to pay her bills and rent for his nearby apartment. She denied that he paid her bills and that she had all of the property and savings, once saying it costs her more to maintain the free townhouse than he pays for rent.
She went into a long tirade when a woman asked her to move down in a movie theatre. When her car paint started peeling, she said her neighbor was scratching the car, filmed it with a movie camera (nothing happened) and sued him. When she saw a bruise on my brother’s son, she said, “(His mother) whips him . . . He has bruises all over his body where she beats on him.” When she lost something (plane tickets, movie camera, doll collection) she said her children’s spouses stole it and when she found it she said they snuck it back. She often became upset at store clerks and restaurants. She would falsely say she had no money to get people to buy her presents. Later in life she started hearing voices.
My sister was happy, loving and affectionate. We played video games at arcades and board games on the floor together. However, she defended our mother’s treatment of our father, saying, “He doesn’t support her.”, and objected when I told our mother to be nice to Dad. Even when I helped them fix a communications problem (he wasn’t hearing her) my sister objected.
After my sister married Bob, everything changed. She reversed from liberal activist in college (just like me) to ultra conservative. For the first time ever quarrels broke out. She’d murmur to herself, “Those liberals.”, refer to me as, “That’s the way he is.” and leave in an angry huff.
Whenever I succeed or her husband fails, he tells people that I am really failing and he is really succeeding. We jogged and he had to stop after a few blocks. (He’s 10 years younger than me.) I gave my father a movie camera. I have a successful business. He has a temper problem including shouting at his young daughter, “You stupid thing! You let the God damn turtle in!” when a baby turtle crawled in while she was washing the back porch, and on occasions shaking his fists at people including strangers in public and at me for saying a quiet “Shh” to him. All of this was turned against me.
My sister and Bob tell my mother and friends that I went broke in the stock market buying risky stocks (when I changed phone numbers and she found out my number was disconnected), my writing software for hospitals makes health care costs go up, I make people poor, I got into fights with people but he gets along with everyone, I don’t have any friends, I do the work of the devil, I act up because my job is stressful, he’s going to buy a better but cheaper movie camera than the one I gave Dad and he’s jogging daily (his son angrily told him that he doesn’t jog at all). Once he denied jogging with me for a few blocks and stopping (we were all there) and my sister said, “He just has a different interpretation.” Another time she came into a conversation in which he was bragging about his jogging and she again said that it was just his “interpretation”. I pointed out that she didn’t hear the conversation, and she exclaimed, “Bob doesn’t lie!” He told me, “We don’t need computers in my country.” When I said that my younger friends ask me how I have the energy to stay up late when they’re too tired to, she said, “You just get up late.” (which is impossible, I told her, because the street traffic wakes me at 6AM.)
I once watched as he put his young daughter on a concrete ledge. My sister said, “Don’t put her up there . . . She might fall off . . . Bob, it’d be fatal!” and he just kept saying, “It’s all right . . . She’ll be ok . . .” until my sister took her down. He once forced my father to wait with him in the cold until Bob caught a fish, after which my father described his ordeal and said, “He’s an inconsiderate son of a **** and I’ll never have anything to do with him.”, the only time I have ever heard my father curse anyone. Twice Bob went into long speeches against me after I asked him, “I thought you had the directions.” and “Why don’t you build a big hot water tank?” They later said that I was “mad because he didn’t know the directions.” even though I said I’m not, he did nothing wrong, and I’d be crazy to be mad at him. He also said, “Charlie got mad because the shower ran out of hot water.” I once hired someone to do some easy work (300 people answered my ad) and to not hurt their feelings said they could do the work if they wanted. They later said that I was “mad because we didn’t do the work.” He got into a fight and kicked someone in the stomach at work, saying that he was “proud of it”. He says that fights show that he’s “not a chicken-****”.
At first my sister stammered and looked down in shame when she supported him. “Hunting doesn’t hurt animals.” she said nervously to the family when he said that he was going to teach his son to hunt. Eventually she started “standing tall” with him. She gets a mean, contorted look on her face and shakes her finger as if disciplining me. Then she started doing it without him. “I know you think I just follow Bob.”, she’d say sternly, “I’m more conservative than him!” She began to complain to our mother that I was fighting with him. When I tried to hug her, she would jump away, once saying, “So you think you’re nice and I’m not?” During the same visit, he said to me, “People who think they’re nice should ask others if they really are.” She told my mother, “We try so hard to get along with Charlie.” and “I wish I felt closer to Charlie.” When I said, “We never had any disagreements when we were little.”, she said, “Maybe I was afraid to speak up.” I rarely responded because I didn’t want to fight with her. Once I broke down and cried.
I gave my sister a message from a friend, Nora, who was with me on many visits: “Forgive Dan for what he did like a Christian is supposed to. Get over it.” My sister said, “I feel sorry for Nora.” She refers to Bob’s “jogging program” so I asked her how many times she has seen him jog. She said, “I don’t notice if he jogs.” She prods me with speculation that I don’t jog very much anymore, I don’t have many customers, I’m just overly sensitive and I have his anger problem. She says, “Don’t you?” as if she’ll be angry if I don’t agree. When I asked for examples she said that I did it 100 times but when I ask for specifics she doesn’t remember anything about it. She said, “If I had examples you’d just say you don’t remember it.” I asked how she could remember it happening 100 times but can’t remember anything about it. She said, “You’ll have to accept it. I don’t lie.” She also said that my shy wife deserved to have Bob shout at her (when I wasn’t there) and “understands” why he shook his fists at me when I said “Shh” to him. I felt totally violated and became ill in my stomach.
Now when we are together at my mother’s home without him, and there is no mention of anything relating to him, my sister is somewhat happy and there are no disagreements. She is not bubbly as she was as a child, but she is moderately affectionate to me.
Any references to what the Bible or writers say about this would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks
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RE: Problem in the Family - 10/27/2009 2:40:04 PM
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CMT8808
Posts: 248
Joined: 9/4/2009
Status: offline
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BIL~
First welcome to the forum. For a better response you should have posted this in relationship folder as this is a relational problem.
IMHO, there is way too much drama going on here along with competiveness. Your sister's husband is failing, yet with his words tries to appear successful and you being successful continue to verbally boast on your success with your sister and mother in the middle.
That is not Christlike.
If your sister wants to believe her mother, leave it alone, eventually the Lord reveals the truth.
With this "drama" going on you all need to set boundaries. There is a book by McLoud and Townsend called Boundaries.
Your sister is to leave her family and cleave to her husband and vice versa as you are to do as well. Stop this childishness and stop comparing yourself to them and their endeavors. If they do that, leave it alone.
Do not involve yourself in their gossip and remember I Thessalonians 4:11 which in layman terms says MYOB.
And how they feel about your business should not even concern you, why do you burden yourself with this.
The Bible distinctly says: If you sow strife you will reap strife
But if you sow of the Spirit you will reap everlasting life.
If you really want to have some harmony in this relationship, why don't you consider helping him in his endeavors, but reading your post I do not see that happening.
I see two boys competing for the wrong Prize!
You both need to set your sight on the *real* Prize!
My two cents
CMT
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formerly Delete 123
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RE: Problem in the Family - 10/27/2009 3:11:48 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 2220
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: offline
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Welcome, Brotherinlaw, to the forum. You'll find a lot of wise and caring people here.
OK, are you listening? You are a white sheep in a family of black sheep. They are nuts and you aren't. Probably. Being around them would drive anyone nuts, so you're holding up very well. 
They are lying through their teeth, they are driven by coveteousness and who knows what other kinds of sins. Back away; you can't win in the Crazy Olympics.
If your parents have food and a roof over their heads, I'd say you have no obligations to them except to be nice - from a distance. Send cards at birthdays and holidays, and back yourself away otherwise. Go find some healthy friends, and rejoice in them.
You seem to be very involved with your family and your family isn't healthy. It's twisting you up, too - you have identified yourself to us as their BIL. Back away; they are not the most important thing about you. Disengage yourself and find your balance in God's truth. They are lying about who you are, and they probably will never change unless God does a miracle.
What is the truth about you? The most important thing is: you are saved by the blood and are an adopted son of the King of the Universe. His ways are love and truth, and you are the bull'seye for that love and truth. Be more like Him in His power to you. The brains and computer savvy is good, too, and are good gifts from the One who made you. Tell Him "Thank you!" and get on with it! You're good at this. Rejoice and hammer that keyboard in joy.
Have you ever shared the Gospel with them? You are obligated to once. After that, it's between them and God. If they are already Christians, then just be polite on the odd times you see them.
I understand a lot of what you said, because my family was into the unhealthy "Family Script" thing, too, where they decided who I was based on what they wanted and not on reality. I am the first college grad in 3 generations, and then taught at my university (not a minor one) but all they could say was how stupid I was. I was the first moral person in my family in 3 generations and all they could say was how immoral I was. I have the first healthy marriage in 4 generations at least but they never mentioned it. My kid is the first unabused kid in 4 generations but they tried to hurt her. When they did this lying stuff in front of my toddler I finally realized I had to get out of that craziness and immorality (it's sin to lie).
If you aren't involved in your church, it's the best place to be. Get involved. Working on a computer all day, good as you are, isn't getting you much social interaction. Go find some.
You are obviously a brilliant guy, hard-working, and I assume a Christian. You have a lot of offer, so go find a new group of people. We all need each other - God deals a lot in groups (churches, states, families) so go get you a new one. You need them and they need you; that's how God works things. God bless you and heal your wounds from all this craziness. Wholeness awaits you.
< Message edited by deermousie -- 10/27/2009 7:59:48 PM >
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"Through Gates of Splendor" by Elizabeth Elliot
"Federal Husband" by Doug Wilson
www.biblegateway.com for online concordance (I use it daily)
"Passion and Purity" by Elizabeth Elliot
And I think chickens are really funny
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