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Reaching for IT!!!!!! - 7/9/2005 9:23:52 PM
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hnt
Posts: 689
Joined: 4/11/2005
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Reaching For IT!!!!!!!!!!
Hello! I guess I should introduce myself, and let everyone know a little about me.
I normally just sign my notes to everyone with “h”. I’m in my early 40’s, wife and mother of two children.
I own a small engraving business in which I run in my basement, and have been doing that for almost 9 years I believe! I’m very involved with my community, and also enjoy MOST of chamber responsibilities. I hold an officer position at one of them presently, but will be moving on to other things within the year. I been at that position for about 3 years, and I’m excited about the changes we have made but its time to move on.
My children go to school at our church, and really seem to enjoy their time there. Once we started school there in August I made the decision shortly afterwards to change where I had been attending in years past. The children seemed so excited about going there, and I was excited that they were excited! LOL! Sometimes that is half the battle if you can find some to help you spread the message to young children.
My oldest is my daughter, and maybe the sweetest little girl most of the time. DD has had her rough times in school with a learning disorder. I guess from what the doctor’s have told me that her memory is 50% truncated. Our new school has been addressing this issue with special classes, and she has flourished there.
My youngest is my son, and he most definitely got his “major” coordination from Daddy and not me! LOL! He is all boy, and also struggles with ADHD and encopresis. He has a very big heart, and we struggle almost daily with his impulsiveness that ADHD children are most known for. We found out recently that his grandfather struggled with encopresis also. This is a colon disorder.
I have attended church most of my life, and both of my parents are saved. My parents grew up in Texas and were Southern Baptist. My brother and I were born there, but moved up North at a very early age. In High School we moved to a local Methodist church, and that is the denomination I have been attending until recently. Shortly after my son was born struggles within our household had come to an ugly level. There had been issues for a longtime, and out of shame (among other things) I moved away from my faith and the church. I think for years it was back and forth with my relationship with God. I had done something that most women in my situation do – I isolated myself, as my situation got worse.
As time went on I threw myself into my business and community activities and dragged the kids with me. Most of those activities they really enjoyed. I guess I was one of those rebellious types in a way. I realize my husband may have wished I stayed home all the time, but I had grown up doing these things. I watched my parents at church and community and politics…lol and YES I was dragged along also! I figure my husband has his hunting and fishing, and I have my community things. For a longtime I threw myself into just about anything I could get into. I was basically ignoring things I didn’t wish to face. The tension was growing, and I couldn’t figure how to stop it. I was escaping the tension, and got my children away from him as well while doing it. I had brought books, listen to tapes, read articles, changed all my ways of doing things and I still just couldn’t get it right. My involvement was something I didn’t change. It was the one part of “h” I didn’t want to lose. I knew as the years passed I was losing more and more of myself, and I guess to some it was selfish but I just couldn’t let go of that one part that was all me.
I don’t really remember what happened one night. I was totally angry and had enough of everything. I wanted out and needed peace. I knew my self worth and esteem had literally gone down the toilet, and I was honestly just wanted to find a way to get my “ME” back. He raged me one night over something really dumb and small, and I know it sounds strange that but was one straw that really broke the camel’s back. I got on the Internet and started to view Divorce sites. I wanted to know what I was put against before opening my mouth or moving forward. I found an article on verbal and emotional abuse. To some it might have been somewhat of a relief to have that label they needed, but I know it was in some ways. In others it was like a ton of bricks fell on me. That night I found a small board and read everything I could get my hands on. LOL!
http://forums.crosswalk.com/m_21653/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#21653
is a link to a post I did a while back. It gives some history.
I wanted to share struggles, triumphs, and questions.
I guess this blog will me “Reaching for it”. Reaching for an expanded relationship with my Lord. Reaching towards being a better person. Reaching for answers and clarity over my life. I think we all reach for something…
_____________________________
h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: Reaching for IT!!!!!! - 7/10/2005 9:59:25 PM
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hnt
Posts: 689
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: offline
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Through the prophet Isaiah, God promised, “my people will abide in peaceful habitation, in secure dwellings, and in quite resting places.” (Is 32:18)
When will we see this promise fulfilled? How can we as Christians and ministers of God's reconciliation in the world use our gifts, resources and power to end family violence?
Some people say there is nothing in the bible that addresses abuse in the sense of what we hear about. This is not true! There is over 100 passages that cover this area. Here are just a few!
God calls for us to be responsible, and have respectful relationships at home
Psa 128:1 Happy are those who obey the LORD, who live by his commands.
Psa 128:2 Your work will provide for your needs; you will be happy and prosperous.
Psa 128:3 Your wife will be like a fruitful vine in your home, and your children will be like young olive trees around your table.
Psa 128:4 A man who obeys the LORD will surely be blessed like this.
Psa 133:1 How wonderful it is, how pleasant, for God's people to live together in harmony!
Psa 133:2 It is like the precious anointing oil running down from Aaron's head and beard, down to the collar of his robes.
Psa 133:3 It is like the dew on Mount Hermon, falling on the hills of Zion. That is where the LORD has promised his blessing--- life that never ends. (GNB)
1Ti 5:8 But if any do not take care of their relatives, especially the members of their own family, they have denied the faith and are worse than an unbeliever.
Intimacy requires mutuality and equality
1Co 7:3 A man should fulfill his duty as a husband, and a woman should fulfill her duty as a wife, and each should satisfy the other's needs. (GNB)
1Co 7:4 Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. (MSG)
1Co 7:4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. (KJV)
Physical and Verbal Abuse are forbidden by God, and will not answer the prayers of those who do not listen.
Isa 58:4 Your fasting makes you violent, and you quarrel and fight. Do you think this kind of fasting will make me listen to your prayers?
Isa 58:5 When you fast, you make yourselves suffer; you bow your heads low like a blade of grass and spread out sackcloth and ashes to lie on. Is that what you call fasting? Do you think I will be pleased with that?
Isa 58:6 "The kind of fasting I want is this: Remove the chains of oppression and the yoke of injustice, and let the oppressed go free. (GNB)
Isa 58:4 You fast, but at the same time you bicker and fight. You fast, but you swing a mean fist. The kind of fasting you do won't get your prayers off the ground.
Isa 58:5 Do you think this is the kind of fast day I'm after: a day to show off humility? To put on a pious long face and parade around solemnly in black? Do you call that fasting, a fast day that I, GOD, would like?
Isa 58:6 "This is the kind of fast day I'm after: to break the chains of injustice, get rid of exploitation in the workplace, free the oppressed, cancel debts. (MSG)
Mat 5:22 But now I tell you: if you are angry with your brother you will be brought to trial, if you call your brother 'You good-for-nothing!' you will be brought before the Council, and if you call your brother a worthless fool you will be in danger of going to the fire of hell. (GNB)
Mat 5:22 I'm telling you that anyone who is so much as angry with a brother or sister is guilty of murder. Carelessly call a brother 'idiot!' and you just might find yourself hauled into court. Thoughtlessly yell 'stupid!' at a sister and you are on the brink of hellfire. The simple moral fact is that words kill. (MSG)
1Th 4:3 God wants you to be holy and completely free from sexual immorality.
1Th 4:4 Each of you should know how to live with your wife in a holy and honorable way,
1Th 4:5 not with a lustful desire, like the heathen who do not know God.
1Th 4:6 In this matter, then, none of you should do wrong to other Christians or take advantage of them. We have told you this before, and we strongly warned you that the Lord will punish those who do that. (GNB)
1Th 4:3 God wants you to live a pure life. Keep yourselves from sexual promiscuity.
1Th 4:4 Learn to appreciate and give dignity to your body,
1Th 4:5 not abusing it, as is so common among those who know nothing of God.
1Th 4:6 Don't run roughshod over the concerns of your brothers and sisters. Their concerns are God's concerns, and he will take care of them. We've warned you about this before. (MSG)
Churches are responsible for addressing abuse within their community
Gal 6:1 My friends, if someone is caught in any kind of wrongdoing, those of you who are spiritual should set him right; but you must do it in a gentle way. And keep an eye on yourselves, so that you will not be tempted, too. (GNB)
Gal 6:1 Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day's out. (MSG)
1Th 5:14 We urge you, our friends, to warn the idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone. (GNB)
1Th 5:14 Our counsel is that you warn the freeloaders to get a move on. Gently encourage the stragglers, and reach out for the exhausted, pulling them to their feet. Be patient with each person, attentive to individual needs. (MSG)
Mat 18:15 "If your brother sins against you, go to him and show him his fault. But do it privately, just between yourselves. If he listens to you, you have won your brother back.
Mat 18:16 But if he will not listen to you, take one or two other persons with you, so that 'every accusation may be upheld by the testimony of two or more witnesses,' as the scripture says.
Mat 18:17 And if he will not listen to them, then tell the whole thing to the church. Finally, if he will not listen to the church, treat him as though he were a pagan or a tax collector.
Mat 18:18 "And so I tell all of you: what you prohibit on earth will be prohibited in heaven, and what you permit on earth will be permitted in heaven. (GNB)
Mat 18:15 "If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him--work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you've made a friend.
Mat 18:16 If he won't listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again.
Mat 18:17 If he still won't listen, tell the church. If he won't listen to the church, you'll have to start over from scratch, confront him with the need for repentance, and offer again God's forgiving love.
Mat 18:18 "Take this most seriously: A yes on earth is yes in heaven; a no on earth is no in heaven. What you say to one another is eternal. I mean this. (MSG)
Tit 3:10 Warn a quarrelsome person once or twice, but then be done with him. (MSG)
Tit 3:10 Give at least two warnings to those who cause divisions, and then have nothing more to do with them. (GNB)
_____________________________
h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: Reaching for IT!!!!!! - 7/11/2005 10:21:07 PM
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hnt
Posts: 689
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: offline
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I had a tiring day today. LOL! Longgggg production for one thing!
I have been trying very hard to keep things in prospective as far as my homelife goes.
I was in the middle of an engraving job, and it dawns on me that we had not brought in the garbage and recycling barrels from outside. He was due to be home within 15 minutes, and I just felt this deep pit in my stomach. I knew he would blow if he came home, and found them still outside. I went upstairs and asked the children to please bring the cans and such in right away. One was in the bathroom - and one waiting in line. LOL! I heard them go out and get them while I was starting a new job downstairs. He came home about 5 minutes earlier than normal, and I heard all this screaming upstairs. I was about to rush upstairs when he came down to me. "You need to keep a better eye on them! I came home and the front door was open and AIR is on!" "They just went out to get the cans I guess they forgot!" "Didn't you hear me! The AIR is on!" "Yes I heard you. It was less then 5 minutes since they came in. I just asked them to get them right before you came home. I'm sure it was less than 5 minutes." "In other words....you don't CARE right!" "I didn't say that! Of course I care! I was mentioning it so you didn't think it was like that all day!" "Of course you don't care - you don't pay the Electric BILL!" and then storms to the bedroom.
Its days like this that I really seem to struggle. I wasn't going to engage with him any further because it was plain to me that he wasn't in the listening mood. I know some people would tell me to approach him after things had cooled off. I have tried that so many times in the past. It just seems to make things get worse. I can hear him telling me again it was because I was downstairs setting up a job, and not watching the kids. My kids are old enough they should know to shut the doors, and I'm sure it was an oversight. I can hear him telling me because I don't care about the Electric bill is another reason. That I never teach the children good enough, and I should learn to be a better mother. I guess you could say it would be a repeat performance. I have tried starting off with an apology, and it still turns out the same. Although the apology is normally used against me. SEE you should have KNOWN! ugh.
I have prayed for a long time for patience on both our parts. I know I have done pretty well myself that in that area. LOL not perfect but I'm doing better! I have learned when the times are good to basically defend myself, and when to just hush....like today. I'm done with seeing things in his light most of the time. His light just doesn't seem logical or reasonable. I do try very hard to make allowances, and have accepted the fact that this may never been returned.
Pro 15:18 Hot tempers start fights; a calm, cool spirit keeps the peace.
1Pe 3:8 Summing up: Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble.
1Pe 3:9 That goes for all of you, no exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless--that's your job, to bless. You'll be a blessing and also get a blessing.
1Pe 3:10 Whoever wants to embrace life and see the day fill up with good, Here's what you do: Say nothing evil or hurtful;
1Pe 3:11 Snub evil and cultivate good; run after peace for all you're worth.
Lord please be with me this day. Help me to be a better person, and to find wisdom to deal with things better.
Lord please be with my husband, and keep him well. It seems he struggles with his health condition as you know, and I'm hoping that you let those new meds do their job! Please God take away his anger, and try to reach his heart!
Lord please be with the children, and keep them safe! Let them enjoy thier summertime, and have fun just being kids!
Lord Thank you for being in my life! Thank you for my many blessings that you have given me! Thank YOU Father for being there to calm my heart and soul! Thank you for my wonderful children that I love so much! Thank you for our lifes as we have more than we need!
Please continue to work in my life! AMEN!
_____________________________
h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: Reaching for IT!!!!!! - 7/16/2005 9:25:12 PM
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hnt
Posts: 689
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: offline
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Over a year ago I had a frustrating time when my son's medical condition was getting out of control, and my daugther's learning disorder seemed to be making no progress what so ever. In those types of times at home my husband seems to get more frustrated than anyone. I have moved past this time, and I wrote this poem I wrote one night when very hurt. Some of it is true, and some of it related to stories I had read from others in my type of situation. A friend of mine I sent this poem sent it to a website that was asking for poems. LOL! I'm far from a writer, and I threw this together one night just trying to get my pain out on paper and not towards anyone else. I was surprised that they actually used it.
Since then people have sent me notes when they read it. The verse was something someone told me one time. I knew it was true, and just couldn't get what she had written me out of my head. It shows the struggles that alot of people go thru in life. Shows how the spirit can be broken, and people question what they should do, how they should do it, and if they really need to go any further or just run for their lifes.
You Can't. By h
He comes in that day and you feel your stomach ache.
You shudder and he shames and you wonder what to say.
You know you must say something, but the words do not come.
You been there before, and it’s never undone.
You sit at the table with your children in tow
One glass of juice or a noodle does fall.
The yelling begins, and the tantrums our show
Words not from him are mentioned to solve
You can’t say anything to make the hurt go away.
Silence does happen, but you don’t want to stay.
Your children are hurting, and he still isn’t nice.
You wait for that moment to calm and make nice.
Dinner is done and the dishes put away
Your start the next shift, and go on with your day.
You get the kids settled, and you find your little safe spot.
Inching and wondering, Why is your world so shot?
Then he comes down to greet you with a smile on his face.
He acts like nothing has happened with no shame or disgrace
You sit there wondering what message did you send?
I don’t want you here and I shouldn’t have to bend.
He stands there wanting the distance to be gone
He pushes closer and closer and you just can’t respond.
What do you do? What do you say?
He pushes and pushes and never goes away.
You can’t force closeness to the one you’ve lost
You can’t pressure trust when we never know how you will respond.
You can’t intimidate into intimacy with someone you say you love
You can’t have it both ways and think you have won.
Days later problems happen and you just want to hide
You don’t want to talk because it is never very nice.
You wait for the crowning moment nice and relaxed,
You really need to speak to you him and you can’t hold back.
It starts is real slow and you try to keep pace,
But the explosion soon starts right in your face.
Nothing is nice!
Nothing is fair!
It’s all your fault and he makes that perfectly clear.
He refuses to help fix or even be kind
He treats you like the enemy and your forced to resign.
As you slowly retreat you have strong feelings of doom.
How could this happen did I talk to soon?
Did I say it wrong, or have a look on my face
I don’t understand why I’m such a disgrace.
You find a safe place to work on the game plan.
You fix that problem and never with him.
You handle the issue – at least parts that you can.
You look over what happened, and you remain mad.
Evening soon comes and you retreat to your bed.
He comes in and comes over and you just want to gag.
He kisses your face and then strokes your back.
You want to get up and leave and then you’re pulled back.
You can’t force closeness to the one you have lost
You can’t pressure trust when you can not resolve.
You can’t intimidate into intimacy with someone you love
You can’t have it both ways and think you have won.
After years of belittling and verbal attacks
You find it hard to get your self esteem back.
You search for the answer and fix you still need.
Until you have realized that you really need to flee.
Nothing will change
Nothing will be good
Nothing will happen until you are gone.
You live in denial with all you have left
Then finally hear the “snap” of that old camel’s back.
You fear the reactions of family and friends
Will they take your side or try to befriend him.
They will think you the wimp
Will you lose their respect
For trying to keep peace for so long
And for finally stopping to fight back.
You work to improve yourself
To change your way of thinking
You fight the doubts without even blinking
You sit and worry if you have really done it.
Or if he is right and you will really plummet.
What will he say?
How will he react?
Will in be nice or some sort of attack.
You hear the sad story of how sorry he is
He has seen the errors of his ways
And now the change can begin.
You hesitate a little and wonder what is right
That hesitation now starts a new kind of fight.
Always Remember when the new this assault on your back:
You can’t force closeness to the one you have lost
You can’t pressure trust when we never know how you will respond.
You can’t intimidate into intimacy with someone you loved
You can’t have it both ways and think you have won.
Keep saying:
You can’t force closeness to the one you have lost
You can’t pressure trust when you can not resolve.
You can’t intimidate into intimacy with someone you love
You can’t have it both ways and think you have won.
_____________________________
h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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Talk with Dad - 7/18/2005 10:29:53 AM
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hnt
Posts: 689
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: offline
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I called my father today. We had a birthday party for him, my sister in law, and her mother at Rainforest Café this week. With all the noise and busy things that were going on around us the trip I think made him feel very uncomfortable. He wasn’t feeling good this week, and by the time we left I could tell he was about to have a breakdown. I hadn’t noticed this during dinner because he was at the other end of the table. His lung disease at times makes him have anxiety attacks. He is also a worrywart at times.
He was telling me that he needed to get out of there because he felt an anxiety attack coming on. He said he was silent all the way home. My mother finally broke the silence and asked him if he was feeling any better. He told me he broke down in sobs because he felt he isn’t being a good husband to her, etc. Dad is terminal and he does rely on mother for a lot. Mother doesn’t see it that way, and told him so. They have always it seems had a pretty good relationship. He told me he had a bad week, and mother and he had a number of good disagreements that week. We all know that Dad gets his off weeks due to his condition. He always apologizes afterwards. I had spoke to my mother earlier that week, and she had mentioned this wasn’t a good week for my father. She didn’t say anything about the uglies of the week, so I knew she realized this was just part of the progression. He is feeling badly because of his dependence on her now. She looks at it as part of her duty towards the love of her life. I can see both sides.
He told me that it seemed like my husband was starting to mellow out. He had actually come to a couple of our family events lately. LOL I reminded him that he hadn’t been coming due to his own medical situation. Last year I opened up to my parents about my personal situation. He told me that he really hadn’t heard anything from me since. Asked me if things had changed in any way. I told him that, as he knows I feel into a depression after my operation. My hormones and such I think went a little wacky after my hyster. I have learned to sit back and see him for who is he is. Just accept him and not engage with his silly fights that are really over nothing. I told him I think reality just slapped me in the face, and I felt with my education I had been giving myself it helps a lot. It made that light bulb go off in my head. LOL! He told me he remembered I had mention boards I go to for others in my same boat. He laughed that he had tried that with his situation (medical), and they got him so depressed that my mother told him he is to not go back. LOL! I can see that with him. He can be overly sensitive at times. That is just the way he is wired. I wouldn’t have him any other way though! I told him that we share experiences, but we also share articles and encouragement. It made me feel like I wasn’t going insane! The books, board and articles helped me realize my situation. Snapped me out of my denial state, and that helped me deal with it better. I mentioned to him that a lot of people that know me had seen a huge change with me lately. He acknowledged he had seen a change also. I guess you could say I left most of my anger behind. I learned by reading these items plus my bible to let go for now. Some of it I’m sure will be gone for good. I need focus more than anger, resentment, etc. I’m not saying it is totally gone, but it is much better than it was.
He started to tell me a couple of stories of people I knew when going up. One of my aunts I will say isn’t the nicest person all the time. Sounds like she has been bossy and negative all of her life. She either likes you or hates you. He said he felt sorry for his cousin because she treated her poorly and her brother as this angel. It never changed even to this day. He said for some reason she always loved him (my father). She was forever getting on her husband case about something, and she was never nice about it. Doesn’t sound or from what I remember that he ever fought back. He was always this jolly soul. He told me he was shocked one day when his other uncle (the Baptist missionary) told him one day, “I don’t know how he takes it! I swear I would have to bang her on the head hoping for reality, or divorce her! I know that sounds awful coming from my position!” His wife and himself are one of those people you NEVER hear a bad word from! He told me he was a bit shocked to hear him say that, but in the back of his head knew where he was coming from. He said that my mother and he had been trying very hard to relate to my situation. They had seen and witnessed a lot of uglies in relationships over the years. He said he remembered one time a friend’s husband got really drunk one day at a picnic and actually slapped his wife in front of everyone. Mother and he looked at each other in shock. “You just don’t do that type of thing!” he said. He said it was hard for them to relate because they had a good relationship with normal struggles and fights. They were trying very hard to relate to my world. It was very hard because they had never lived it.
Since I approached my folks about my issues in my marriage they had been doing a lot of reading. He said to me from what we have read Emotional and Verbal abuse is much worse than Physical abuse. The bruises go away but the broken soul from the words doesn’t heal that fast. That I needed to be very careful because if I get to use to the environment I could change my attitude to his. You learn to be what you live. I told him that I do fight to keep my head on straight. Sometimes it is hard to have energy for the children in that aspect because I just want to be left alone. It’s hard to deal with and relate to them on certain levels because of the maddest of the home life at times. I also told him that the therapy that the kids and I are getting at the domestic violence shelter is really helping all of us. My husband doesn’t know about this. He refuses to pay for therapy. We had therapy before and he stopped going and paying for it because he felt it wasn’t doing any good. Personally, I think they were starting to lean on his issues and he didn’t wish to go there. I have reached out to the local Women’s shelter, and they have taken over at no charge. NO! They do not encourage divorce despite what others may have said. They realize you have to make that decision to do it or not do it for yourself. They feel it is a dignity decision, and they will not take that from us. Besides pushing people will only make them run back quickly once the abuser hits the honeymoon or threatening stage. You never deal with the issues that way you just bury them.
Both of my parents raised us in the faith. Our lives were surrounded by church and community service. My folks never gave me the “you are one flesh” or “God hates divorce” speech. They know me very well, and realize I don’t give up without doing everything possible within my realm. LOL I guess I have always been that way according to my folks. I have always been a fighter, and always seem to land on both feet no matter what the situation. They did have a lot of questions, and were in shock when I did open up to them. They never approached me with a condemning attitude, but one of support and love. From what it sounds like they have been doing a lot of reading and talking about my situation. They told me they would be there and support me no matter what my decisions are. I can’t tell you how much that means to me. When you are lost in a world, and you seem like you are all alone…its nice to have someone there for you. I’m talking in the human world…LOL I know God is always watching and there for me! My parents are my rock, and no matter what happens they will always be there. I am so blessed to have parents like that. I know if for some strange reason I became a mass murderer, gay activist, slimy politics type person they would still love me. LOL they wouldn’t like my actions, and would voice their concerns, opinions, etc – they would even call the police! But they would never leave or stop loving me. I have to say they are one of best parts of my life! Thank you Lord for giving me such great parents!
_____________________________
h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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What an afternoon! - 7/18/2005 11:40:18 PM
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hnt
Posts: 689
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: offline
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Well I had been dreading him coming home all day. I had received a collection notice from my son’s doctor’s office, and then a phone call from them. I knew he had received all the billings, and he is normally very good about paying the bills. He should be used to all the insurance junk, co-pays etc with his health situation. My daughter and I normally see a doctor maybe once a year. My son has a specialist in ADHD that the church/school had recommended. The doctor is very good. He was in a car accident last year while I was working my annual festival I do for our chamber. Sunday afternoon his twin shows up at the festival to tell me the he and kids had been in a car wreck and were in the hospital. Thank The LORD nothing serious! The other insurance company wanted a statement from him. It has been almost a year now. The court date has passed, and the man pleads guilty. Anyway, I got that call also for him and I knew that also would get him angry. I do realize none of this is within my control, but I normally have to hear about it anyway.
He came home and asked about the phone messages. He took it fairly well – I was surprised. He went upstairs and took care of the bill over the phone from my son’s doctor’s bill. He came back downstairs to tell me that it was taken care of. Then proceeds to direct me to get itemized receipts for every visit from now on. I don’t have problem with that. He goes on to tell me that we have now reached my son’s deductible and there should be no more bills. Again he reminds me of the itemized bills. He said he also wants to have copies of all the receipts from the co-pays they ask for. Again he reminds me of the itemized bill. He is getting more and more pumped up the more he spoke. I told him to please calm down I would make sure all of that was taken care of. Then he asks me why the insurance guy called. Sigh… I reminded him about the letter we received that the carrier we have had for a number of years had dropped them, and they wish to speak to us about different carriers. I handled most of this via the phone with the gentleman, but he was asking for social security numbers also. I know my husband gets paranoid anytime they ask for this. I never can answer all the questions that he has in regards to this, so I told the insurance guy to finish the conversation with him. I figure he can handle that himself. LOL! He asked me if I had contacted my friend that deals in insurance. I told him I had faxed over the information, and was waiting for a response. He sighs loudly. I could tell by his “authority” voice what kind of mood he was getting into. He starts to ask me if this was all the mail we had received that day. I said yes – I had thrown out the junk and placed the mail in the normal place. He said, “WE just got this STATEMENT today???” I just look at him and said, “Which statement we got a couple?” “This BANK statement!” It dawned on me that it was a statement from our old bank. We had changed banks about 6 months ago. I look at it and said, “Yes I guess we did! What do they want?” “They don’t want anything! It took since APRIL to get this statement to us?” “Its THAT old?” “YES! YOU DIDN’T NOTICE?” “No I guess I didn’t!” “You need to call that POST OFFICE NOW! YOU NEED TO TELL THEM WE GOT A LETTER THIS LATE! You need to tell them we either don’t get billings regular and I have to call before they late – or we don’ get them at all! YOU NEED TO CALL AND SCREAM about the SERVICE!” Okay I knew right then and there – NOTHING was going to make him okay! “K! Why don’t you call them? You can give specific dates, times, etc when they ask! You can tell them what you feel they need to hear!” “Why should I have to do this! YOUR HOME ALL F****** DAY!” That is it! I wasn’t going to take anymore! I hadn’t yelled or been sarcastic, and there was no need to be yelling and swearing at me! “ I don’t appreciate your tone with me! You want me to do something for you – you ask me in a respectful manner!” “ OH! Here we GO! You don’t give a SH** do you!” “When you ask me in that tone and with that attitude I guess I don’t. You want something from me you need to ask nicely!” “You never do anything! You sit around and DO NOTHING! You never give me enough money! You never get anything done the way it should be! I ask one thing and you won’t do it!” “I never said I wouldn’t do it. I told you I wanted to be asked not yelled at.” “You know what I want? I WANT YOU TO GET THE HELL OUT!” He went upstairs screaming other things, but I didn’t hear him. I wasn’t going to engage any further because it would just get worse.
In years passed I would have felt guilty, and I would have made the phone call right away. I had been reading for months about boundaries, and I knew I had laid a lot of them down along the years. I always felt he tromped all over them. At times I can say he most definitely did. Other times all there was – was a bunch of hot air! I had been doing this type of thing with him for a while now. I remember in the past I would have screamed how could you say I don’t care! Then I would list all the things I do that showed that I do. How I don’t sit around and do nothing, and list all the things I did that day. He seems to then go off in other directions of my faults as he sees them. He never addresses – as he didn’t tonight – how all he had to do is ask nicely. Our conversation would have gone all over the planet and back. That is called crazymaking. I decided a while ago I wasn’t going to engage in that type of banter any longer. I started to realize what he was doing. I didn’t feel all that bad about not calling today, and I won’t call just to make the point. Most people would say you need to settle this. LOL I agree! It would place some closure on the situation wouldn’t it?! I can tell you from experience he will refuse to do that. He will again go all over the place, and never hit the mark. I have tried numerous times over the years to keep him on subject – and he continues anyway. Its like he doesn’t hear – most likely doesn’t want to hear – and refuses to settle even the smallest, dumbest things like asking me nicely to call the post office to complain about the service. Personally, I highly doubt a phone call to the post office will make a hill of beans difference! Our area post office is KNOWN for this type of service!
I pray for him most nights, as I do for the children. Some nights I pray that I feel God’s arms around me just to feel some safety. What is awesome is that some nights I think I actually really feel that happening. I have been currently working to get to know the pastor’s wife a little better. I want to be safe, and know I won’t be blown off or have the entire blame laid in my lap. I know it my gut I can’t be totally responsible for things. I hope one of these days an opportunity will open for me to speak with her about my situation. It would be nice to have some faith filled advice, or maybe just an ear on occasion. At times I really feel I am screwing something up, but for the life of me I can’t place my finger on it. I think my acceptance more and more each day of him is soothing some of it away. I think if I find the right person it will okay to speak with them. You hear so many horror stories of how churches handle these types of situations. I have heard so many of them through out the years. I guess I just a little gun shy from them. I know the Lord wouldn’t handle things like I have read churches have. It makes me so angry every time I hear a story of a women basically getting abused again for asking for help. Its amazing how closed minded some are. A post I read lately about a woman in council with her husband and pastor – and how he let her husband verbally abuse her right in front of him and did nothing. How uttering irresponsible! LOL and churches wonder why people wait so long before they open their mouths! LOL!
LOL okay need to stop now before I get myself all wound up over this! LOL!
May God bless your day and family! Good niter!
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Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: Reaching for IT!!!!!! - 7/22/2005 9:13:17 PM
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hnt
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I had my group today. We are up to 9 ladies in our sessions now. We had a day that we discussed changes on layout for our time at first. As most people know you have out going people, and you have ones that keep to themselves. That is just human nature. We had some time talking about how we need to change things to make sure everyone had their needs met. I suggested that we had a check in time at the beginning. I’m not saying that everyone doesn’t have his or her days – weeks – months – LOL! But some need more attention than others during certain periods. The reason I mentioned check in times is because last week we had one lady in our group that spoke towards the end of the session, and come to find out she really needed to talk about some HUGE issues. When you are used to abuse at home you tend to hush and think my issues are not something anyone wishes to hear. They are not important. My needs are not necessary. You basically reminded of that pretty often. Anyway, there is a lady from Europe that escaped her husband with her parents. She had a sibling that lived here, and told them to come there for relief. She escaped after being beat so badly that she lost the twin that she was carried within her. She came to the US and had the other child survived. He had a huge campaign in their country – because domestic violence is looked at as a family matter there and not illegal as it is here – in the newspapers etc against her. He terrorized the family to find out the whereabouts of her and the baby. He broke into their homes, tore people’s life’s apart and they still didn’t tell. She got her divorce from him. In the divorce she was to travel to her country and stay there for 2 months with him and the child so he could have visitation. She doesn’t have the money for one, and she was scared to death he would kill her for two. She is looking at jail time if the US decides that she is not allowed in this country anymore. She is trying for citizenship, and is awaiting the answer. She broke the court order about not going back, and is also waiting on the answer from our country as whether she can stay or not. She was scared to death. She would leave her daughter behind if things came to that. Some of the stories she told of that her country and her situation would make the most seasoned person’s hair curl. She was basically dealing with a lot of guilt, etc. I said we needed a check in time since people like her don’t speak up unless asked. We have another lady just coming out of her denial of her life, but she is very outspoken. I think mostly because of angry she is dealing with. She will say it isn’t anger, but I really think it is. People are just different that way.
The changes were well received by most. We did decide on some, and I hope we stick with them. One lady told us that she felt that she spoke too much, and felt badly if she didn’t think others had the time they needed. She told us of an anxiety attack she had in the parking lot the week prior. She was in tears over this guilt of talking too much over her situation. It’s amazing how people see things so different. I was in the middle I realize I am one of the stronger ones in the group. I just said things as I saw them.
Some of us go to lunch afterwards. I normally bring the kids and they sit at the table next to us. The ladies I was with were confused about the new rules, but I explained my side of how I saw things. Even in two hours with nine people you aren’t going to get to everything. I was going to tell them about a faith ministry that has been emailing me about my issues of fear of approaching the church. How some days I truly feel myself going down this deep dark hole I just got myself out of. I think I know my depression after my operation did was mellow me out. I had so much anger. I have more acceptance now. I still really struggle with what is right for the kids, and where my future is going. I know he won’t change, and I don’t wish for my son to grow up acting out what he lived. I don’t wish for my daughter to grow up thinking that is the way things are either. I guess I am in stuck mode again. I have stopped being ugly and bitter in response to things pretty much. I hold to my way of thinking that is right, and he gets angry with that. They said hold your ground from what I read, but really don’t say not to much about what you can expect or how to handle it.
LOL I guess I am visiting the land of no one understands again! I know they do. I feel so helpless at times. I know I need some one on one, but we really don’t have the money. He would have a major hissy if I spent anymore. I’m sure I will come out of it. I always do. I know God is with me, and he will see me thru.
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h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: Reaching for IT!!!!!! - 7/25/2005 11:08:53 AM
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hnt
Posts: 689
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Isa 50:6 I bared my back to those who beat me. I did not stop them when they insulted me, when they pulled out the hairs of my beard and spit in my face.
Isa 50:7 But their insults cannot hurt me because the Sovereign LORD gives me help. I brace myself to endure them. I know that I will not be disgraced,
Isa 50:8 for God is near, and he will prove me innocent. Does anyone dare bring charges against me? Let us go to court together! Let him bring his accusation!
Isa 50:9 The Sovereign LORD himself defends me--- who, then, can prove me guilty? All my accusers will disappear; they will vanish like moth-eaten cloth.
Isa 50:10 All of you that honor the LORD and obey the words of his servant, the path you walk may be dark indeed, but trust in the LORD, rely on your God.
Isa 50:11 All of you that plot to destroy others will be destroyed by your own plots. The LORD himself will make this happen; you will suffer a miserable fate.
A creative manipulator can come in the backdoor, frontdoor, chimney, etc. The Lord will vindicate you and you will make it. You can do it no matter what games the person uses.
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h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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Sociology Paper I'm reading!! - 7/25/2005 9:42:03 PM
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hnt
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I was reading a Sociology paper today about Shattered Silence or the Holy Hush. Shattered Silence was about naming the abuse, and Holy Hush was about silencing it.
The paper talked about how Abuse in the home, and the long recovery time it takes for it’s victims to heal has been brought to the forefront in the last 25 years or so. How people have come to recognize this situation, and how ugly it came be. Writings, studies, Research have sky rocketed within this time frame on the subject, but very little was looked at in the “Spiritual Aspect” of some victims and their church families when living with this.
The political movement had started awareness, and halfway houses; crisis centers began to pop up in a lot of areas in answer to the cries. What started out as a couple of places that women and their children could escape to when faced with abuse – turned into an industry with people saying there are experts in every aspect of this issue.
The article I read studied and interviewed clergy, churchwomen, crisis center workers, and female (religious) victims of abuse. The number they quoted was over 1,000 people just for this study.
A lot of literature in the Christian arena talks about “family life” or “family values”. There are TONS of books, tapes, etc on the subject. Some of the more popular literature speaks about submission and hierarchy within the family, and if you stick with their views you will have martial bliss. Stand strong and united against all secular things or ideas that might crush the family unit. A lot of today’s problems are due to the fact that people have not held this up, and that is why it seems people have abandoned God’s plan for them. If you wish “happily ever after” living you need the strive for strong male leadership, and supportive-nurturing women. That is all fine and good in principal most of the time! LOL!
When you have HUGE companies with over 1,000 publishers writing for them, and you know that TONS of magazines, books, tapes etc are distributed every month – even I have noticed how little is said about abuse or violence in the Christian home. Of course when you do read about this subject they never outright condone this. But what you do see is a lot of views on how the victim – not the perpetrator – should stand firm or use “tough love” to stop them. They must find support from family and friends and find some professional to help with the reconciliation process. Don’t think of divorce – think of “hidden pearls in the offense” that was committed against them. Yet another tells women “Submission is not contingent on the actions of your spouse!” The hidden message? Strive for your marriage at all costs! The reality of abuse and violence against women and children should be ignored so the “happily ever after” faith following family can LIVE ON!
Good Grief! LOL! That was only the beginning of the article – in my brief words anyway. They said it more professionally with footnotes, references to materials, etc. They got into a whole lot more detail than I did. All I have to say is I’m glad someone else can see this also…lol and I didn’t have to study over 1,000 people to do it!
I’m sure there will be more to come as soon as I read on as well!
< Message edited by hnt -- 7/25/2005 9:44:45 PM >
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Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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The Same Paper - Part II - Holy Hush - 7/26/2005 3:22:16 PM
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hnt
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There was a quote in this article by a Christian lady that I so relate to. She said something close to, “How can I go to my friends in the church, and admit that stuff like this is happening in MY HOME?? Christians have this “ideal” thing going on in their heads…how you are to live, behave, wear, etc. I’m not living that “safe” environment they consider normal!”
Sometimes finding the right term, word, concept for abuse in the homes of Christians can be a very contentious issue. Crisis center workers or advocates of this issue refer to women that are harmed physically or psychologically by their husbands (or partners) as “woman abuse” or “Wife Abuse”. They see this as male violence against women. They are basically stating that Women and Children become targets in their home from unrestrained male aggression. They don’t see it as a “family issue”, but see it as a REAL example of male violence against women. When a woman flees her home and escapes to a shelter trying to get away from the abuse from a man – they visualize her as an example of male control over a woman. The true example of gender inequity!
While one side sees this as a gender power imbalance, conservative Protestant views regard this abusive behavior as evidence that God’s design for us in marriage has been misunderstood or abandoned. They view abuse as “family violence”, and their new label is now considered a “family issue”. They do of course hold the male (at times) accountable for their actions, but they also believe that both sides hold some responsibility for what happened and there has be to potential for repair to the relationship. Since the traditional family is idolized within the faith society, abuse is seen as “spiritual confusion” over God’s plan for the “happily ever after” family!
To me this shows a very big difference in attitudes towards abuse.
What is really strange to me is the difference in how they view abuse within their faith community families, and how they view the secular community on the same matters. If a Christian man abuses or get violence with his wife that is looked upon as “spiritual immaturity”. The church will recognize society’s definition of abuse, and use their explanations for abuse among non-church families they are unwilling to use those same views within the church community. They focus on this as just “another” sin, and it must be some type of spiritual warfare between good and evil! Since the abuse must have some roots in spiritual factors it must also have its cure! The secular world doesn’t have that asset! LOL! Who is of course in the best position to help the man that abuses, and that woman than their church!
Since the church has such difference views or models on how Christians abusers and non-Christian abusers are seen answers MY questions as to why they are VERY reluctant to make referrals outside their church’s network of help. Refusal to refer to secular agencies that deal with abuse shows their unwillingness to see “non-spiritual” forces that are at work within their church. Very interesting I think! LOL!
When is the last time you heard your Pastor used the pulpit to clearly CONDEMN abuse, and offer hope and refuge to its victims? According to this study only 31% of clergy reported that they preached a message on wife abuse and/or child abuse. When they did the follow up personal interviews with the church going woman very few even recall hearing such a message.
If they did ONE they would suggest to their church going victims that they have safe place to go to with their pain. TWO it would be very healing if someone would give voice for their experience. THREE it would send out a VERY clear message that communities of faith WILL NOT tolerate abuse of any kind, and do actually promote abuse free family lifestyles. FOURTH it would send a message to many of the abusers in a very rare opportunity – a GROUP setting instead of an individual setting what their stand actually is!
This “HOLY HUSH” maybe in attempt not to scare off the men. Pastors report that they preach mostly to women. Maybe if clergy realized how essential the condemnation of abuse is to a woman’s healing journey, or that it may help her speak up about her suffering – or possibility for an abuser to stop hurting and seek help…. maybe possibly our pastors may reconsider their silence.
I'm actually enjoying this article! LOLOL!
There is way more detail to it - I just noted a couple of highlights in my own words. Again they are more professional with the subject!
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h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: Reaching for IT!!!!!! - 7/29/2005 7:53:09 PM
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hnt
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I had my group today, and some of the ladies there are really going thru the war and back with the spouses.
As we are going thru our weekly check ins I have to say I could feel myself going down for the count. I normally don't react like that. This surge of anger and resentment just hit me like a tons of bricks. I watch these ladies just struggle to make sure food, health care, and a roof is over them and their children - and then you have the poophead factor! LOL! Not a nice name I know, but it is nicer than they deserve. I can't get over my mood today. I know I will soon talk myself out of it, but for now I just feel myself falling.
We have one lady that had her husband removed by the police due to voilence in the home. I believe this was back in December. She let the charges of Domestic Vol drop because he would lose his job, but kept the restraining order for protection. He keeps the job with the RO but can't with the DV charge. LOL okay then! Anyway out of pride, need for control, etc he has been pressuring her to drop the RO for sometime. She has refused. There are times in which they have to communicate for the children, and that is when he picks his times. SHe has got a PT job for now, and has finally filed for divorce. She was an at home mother. Her lawyer since that time (december) has never done anything for support for the home and the kids. He will give her money from time to time, and she has found ways of making the bills with what she can come up with and what he gives her. This month again the RO came up, and again she refused. He has now refused to pay the mortgage. Her retainer of almost $3500 is gone with nothing resolved at all. Now she will miss her mortgage payment this month due to lack of funds. LOL of course there is more to the story, but that was the icing on my cake!
There is another lady that her husband has also been removed due to DV charges. He is also being investigated by law enforcement for things that could send him the jail. She has an medical history and a bad arm, and I guess after a small family spat he threatened to twist her arm until she did what he wished. Her arm is so that if anything happens to it in the future she could lose it. He doesn't care. Then he turned on their daugther. At that point I guess she fled, and then she found out about his illegal dealings and decided it was smart to cooperate with authories. She and her children now live in the house and he isn't allowed over there. She also has a restraining order. The big difference is that he and his family have decided they are fighting for custody of the children. She has to come up with 10,000 for a retainer in hopes that she gets them. I have read over and over again how the courts hand over the kids to these monsters, and I truly wonder what this world is coming to. I guess things have to gone along with much less tension than when it started. She also decided to file for divorce. He refused to acknowledge anything. Now he is getting all nicey with her. After all this time and the uglies he wants to be a family again. He feels her hesitiation, and the threats etc have all started up again. Again LOADS more to the story. LOL!
One item they do tell you to do when thing start getting ugly is to leave. Just get in your car when they start and get the heck out of dodge. LOL! One lady is going thru a divorce and he has this habit of writing notes to her. He hasn't been removed from the house - nor has he cooperated in any manner so far. Instead he has been on this writing campaign of telling her what an awful wife she has been. You tend to wonder why they bother wanting to hang on when we are such rotten people! LOL! I mean REALLY! His notes are on one manipulation after another. Her children are older and had left for friends or whatever. She was doing her yardwork in the backyard. He came out and started on, "Why are you doing this? What did I do wrong? Can't you see how wrong you are?" etc. He and his lawyer asked for a settlement agreement be sent. It has been sent and he has been sitting on it for months. SHe told him she didn't wish to have this dicussion right now about why she was doing this again. He continued anyway, and she got her keys and purse and left. She works at her church. She said she went up to her office, and laid down on the pew to get some sleep. He hasn't let her do that lately either. The next day she found a note, "Some people act like adults and talk about problems! SOme people RUNNNNNN like children! At least I will talk!" ugh. He won't talk unless it is why are you doing this. He went out of town this week, and refused to tell the kids or her when he is arriving back or where he went - but of course WHY is she doing this!
I realize this is one sided, and loads of information is left out of these stories. LOL! but I have seen them bend over backwards - giving them another chance, I don't want to hurt their feelings, I need to consider the children...all these things they care about - except themselves at times. They give and they try and they roll over trying to make things right. Never does the effort on the other side even come close. It is strange it seems when you place boundaries down, or try to work things out they esculate and get worse.
I see these women just keep on going. Men trying to use the children has pawns in their interactions. WHen they kids resist they get back at them also. But the women just keep going.
I see this ugly stuff, and I know in the end they will have a sense of peace they haven't had in years. They will be allowed to sleep when they want. They will be allowed to eat, go places, do things, shopping - all without having to account for every second of their time. They won't get yelled and raged at for spending $2.00 more than he feels is needed. They will be able to make mistakes, and not have to listen to this SCREAMED about for years! Small things like being 5 minutes late won't be a crisis point in thier days - fearing the rath of the spouses looking for the next items to stomp them down about. They won't have their stomaches in knots when they hear him driving up the driveway. The fear of telling him about a teacher conference when one of the kids got into trouble. LOL They know not only is the kid in trouble - they are for being a bad mother.
I have been doing a pretty good job of holding my boundaries down here at home. My therapist told me that I have been doing very well in that area for a long time. The overall fear I have had in the past has pretty much left me, and that really gets to him at times. He still tries to get in face and scream, but I'm one of the lucky ones that can walk away. LOL and I do! I refuse to continue a conversation when you know where it is going, and how unlikely it is to be rational. I can normally tell by his tone of voice. "Here we go!" I say to myself. For years he has told me that he will take the house and everything in it - and leave me with the kids. I will have to find someway of supporting myself. LOL as if that isn't possible! He will have everything and I will have nothing. He will even take my business away from me. Yep...blah blah blah! It used to scare me to death. I remembered after a while how God will supply you with everything you need. LOL it may not be what you want but you will have what you need to survive. Once that trust factor in that verse kicked in - his power was taken away. I remember the day he started up again, "......and I will take the house and the business and you and kids will have NOTHING!" "I don't care." "YOU CAN'T HAVE THIS HOUSE!" "I don't care and I don't want it." "I WILL TAKE ALL THE MONEY!" "I don't care." and you know what? I didn't! LOL I really didn't care! Of course I was accused of having an "I don't give a sh** attitude" after that. LOL I didn't care what he thought either! I knew it wasn't true. I do care about the house and money and the kids and all the rest. LOL I just didn't care about his threats anymore. I didn't care about how he thought I wouldn't get this that or other. He doesn't call the shots. LOL! God does! Of course if you look at it legally it would be different as well. But God has more power than the courts do. I knew in my heart my Lord would take care of me and my children if he did leave. I knew he couldn't throw me out. LOL!
Things have been pretty calm on the homefront here for the most part. He is cycling again. Most call this part of the cycle the honeymoon. LOL he doesn't honeymoon he just attempts to act 1/2 way normal. Soon something will set him off, and the new cycle will begin again. I know it is coming so I just save my resources for the next one.
One thing in this type of relationship you don't get to ever have....anger. You are not allowed this emotion. You are not allowed to express it. Your anger is never acknowledged because it doesn't count. If you dare express any type of disappointment, anger - anything along those lines you had better be ready for war! I guess that is why people stuff it. Avoidance of the war.
I can feel this bent up anger inside of me again. I could feel my body falling into this sadness. This pit. I went to lunch after getting a new cell phone this afternoon with friends, and I guess they could see it in my mood and in my face. I guess I'm just tired. All worn out over the years of defending myself like I was a bad child - the bad seed in the family. I could almost feel myself falling into this depression I was in before. I had never expereinced that before Feb of this year. I have been strong enough to fight this for 17 years now. I guess I'm just getting old and worn out. LOL!
I see those ladies in the fight of their lifes. But when they are done...what will they have? LOL more of a life than I do! Sure they will continue to have to deal with the poophead factor! But some nights they will be able to grab that popcorn, put in that movie and watch it in peace. If a child dumps their drink over - no screaming, no yelling, no words that can't take back...just handed a paper towel to clean up. Normal. Hmmm. wonder what that feels like?
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h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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Some major light in this darkness!!! - 7/30/2005 11:27:10 PM
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hnt
Posts: 689
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I called a lady from my group today. She was going to file for divorce after group on Friday, and I knew she was scared. They had always had an upper middle class living. She had been battered for years, and she always felt she was protecting her family by keeping it together. I guess they had a final explosion, and he had left for good. He literally disappeared, and then all their mail stopped coming. He forwarded the mail to where he went. He wouldn’t tell them where that was. She had a very major nervous breakdown after that. She had to let go of her job as a nanny, and was completely without resources as far as money. She had two teenagers and no means of support, and her health had failed her. He will show up on occasion for maybe give some money, and to pick up more of his things. He took property of his children’s that was precious to them in order to MAKE them speak to him when he contacted them. They assume the bills have been paid – gas, lights, mortgage because they haven’t been shut off. He makes remarks when he does show up that he had been taking care of those. Her daughter and son both work as most teenagers’ do. They were responsible for whatever else they needed since mom was out of commission. When he would call them to tell them he was showing they protected their mother, and told him they would not allow him to come when she was there. That didn’t always happen but they did their best. They were very bitter. Mother is getting a little better with time, and is spending a lot of her time getting food stamps, etc so that they can survive. She is also working to get her health back so she can return to work. It is a slow process.
She goes to large church, and they actually have a domestic violence group. It was clear to everyone that this man was out of control and very unpredictable. He is down right dangerous. They have her counseling there, and also introduced her to a DV lawyer at the church. Her father gave money to him to start the process for divorce. She got some help from people to help her daughter with this ugly time in their life. Her son was hesitating to trust anymore. They have a group in town that deals with young men in awful situations as mentors. She had contracted them and they have a gentleman that is attempting to win his trust. The boy is scared and no one blames him. Encouragement comes from mom, and that occasional call from this man that heads up the program. He after 2 months is just now starting to warm up to him. Her son wasn’t sure what to think, and I’m sure is wondering what he should do. Should he take the safe side – the dominate side – his father that has always had the control? Or should he take his side? Should he take mom’s side? I’m sure that isn’t a good place to be! It sounds like this child is trying very hard to break out of this denial that was there life for all of his life.
Her husband will be served on Monday morning at work. That is the only place they know he will be. They did find out that Dad is living with another woman and her children at this time, but still don’t know where that is. This will be a very dangerous time for them. LOL not only her family (lady from group) but the family he is living with. They have changed the locks and are preparing for the worst. I think they know it is coming. They know it needs to be done, but they are scared to death. They have to do something because you can’t live with this unsettlement forever. Who knows if he will turn off the funds? Who knows if he is doing crazy things with the money? You never know when he will show up, or what he will do when he gets there. They decided they are going to jump, and see if they can have a better life.
She told me earlier during this time she took a ride. She took a ride to a church that she grew up in. It was over an hour to get there, but she wanted to go there. She had always felt safe there as a child, and it was her home back then. She wanted to go there and pray in that church. I guess happy and save thoughts came to her from the past. She got there and the church was gone. Just a part of it was left with the structure that was left. She decided she would pray on the steps with the part that was left. Out of nowhere a lady came up and asked her what she was doing. This is in the middle of a major city where no one really pays much attention to things. She told she grew up in the church that once was here, and came to pray here. The lady found pictures and history and wrote history about the church she had never known down for her. A stranger. She took I think some of the things and framed them with supplies from a local Walgreen’s. LOL nothing expensive to use for gift for her mother’s Birthday I think it was. Her mother so appreciated the gift. She told me as a child she lived there. LOL the nuns had taken her in and she wanted to be a nun herself. She giggled she even remembers a special nun that played with her and her dolls. LOL she said she remembers one day when the nun and her pretended to bless them. She wanted to be nun just like them. Her mother told her she needed to be a mother. Sounds like she turned out to be a special one in a very ugly situation.
LOL enough of the partial history I guess! LOL! Anyway, as you can tell they are in a really bad way. Her daughter calls today and the car she was driving broke down. She calls her brother that owns a shop, and he doesn’t own a tow truck and gave her a number so that she can get one. Her son and her drove down there to the car. She told her son that she had been praying, and she knew God would provide. Things have been ugly but a lot of good things had been happening. She told God that she was going to trust him, and ask him to look after her and her family. She felt his strength and she just knew things would turn out good. LOL her son thought she had lost her mind! They waited at the car with this credit card she was hoping would work. She didn’t know what her husband might have done with it. That was all she had at that time for payment. The tow truck arrived, and she went out and was honest about her circumstances. LOL she at this point lets everyone know that will listen of her situation. I know that sounds strange to some, but when you can’t vent anger for years I can understand where she is coming from. They let him know a little of their situation.
He towed the car to his shop anyway. I guess the owner is out of town, and he was on his own. He told the son what tools to grab, and they went to work on this broken car. Educated this boy the whole process. The son did know a good deal about cars already, but this man knew more. LOL and he did his best to give him knowledge. In the meantime he told him what a true man is to be. Told him that his Dad didn’t hate him or his family – that his actions where of self-hate. He needed to end this cycle. There is a time for the pity pot, and there is a time to stop. He has to make that decision to be more of a man that his father ever could be. I guess they found out this man had watched his mother being beat all of his life, and he was beat as well until he escaped in his late teens. He made this decision, and made sure that his boy knew it wasn’t an easy way to be NOT like his father! It was true effort! She said his message was always positive and not condemning, and her son seemed to be very responsive. They were there for a couple of hours, and the car was finally fixed. They were sent away at no charge.
On the way home she told her son that is was God that sent that man to them! LOL as you can see mother didn’t go off her rocker! Those things were happening because God was watching and making sure they were okay. It wasn’t going to be easy but he was there to protect them. He had sent this man to them. She said that her son really got to thinking after that. LOL she said this is the first STEP! I have seen all kinds of things happening that shouldn’t. God is placing these things here for us. I know he is. He is so awesome!
Here is this lady in this awful situation – knowing that her husband is going to be out just kill her on Monday and is praising God for his blessings. Knowing that he will be there and will watch over them. Talk about a great Faith TESTMINONY! I was trying to be positive and I was agreeing with her all the way. LOL I might have been a bit off because I was praying while speaking with her. You know what? I have this sense that she is right. I’m sure something ugly with happen on Monday, but God will make sure it isn’t anything they can’t get thru.
Here is this woman facing the fight of her life, and her story to me today just lifted me right out of my hole! LOL! Isn’t God just awesome! LOL isn’t he great! Thank you Lord for taking care of her! I know you will continue to do so!
Anyone that is reading this – please add her to your prayer list! Monday is the day, and I’m sure this week will be something else for her! Please pray for her and her children. I know she is bitter for the other woman right now – but I will also pray for their safety comes Monday as well!
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h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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Some thoughts.... - 8/4/2005 12:31:04 AM
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hnt
Posts: 689
Joined: 4/11/2005
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I haven't heard from the lady I spoke about above. I will be calling her tommorrow.
I read a couple of boards online, and one is for support of people living with a partner that verbally/emotionally abuses their spouses and/or family. LOL actually I have two that I go to for that. One actually has a locked passcode for a committed christian section.
Someone was wondering if maybe some of the messages we heard as children helped in the equation of picking the person we ended up with. She gave her examples of items she had to live with as a child, and his issues were "normal" in comparsion. LOL even tho neither was good, but she really had nothing to compare it to. It seems she had grown alot since that time. SHe is such a sweet soul.
I was thinking of my own childhood. For me I think it was pretty normal, and I always knew my parents loved me. I wasn't beat, kicked out, had drugs or booze in the picture. The folks didn't fight or carry on like you hear about. All families have issues, so I'm not saying we didn't have ours. LOL! But overall I think my parents did a pretty good job of raising both of us (my brother and I).
One thing that always stuck me funny about childhood was the fact I had always been told, "You shouldn't be talking about things you know nothing about." "I wouldn't be proud of thinking that way!" It seemed as I look back on things when I differed from the mainstream of family thinking...it wasn't different it was wrong. LOL! I guess alot of people are like that. "Stop acting like a simpleton!" was another thing I remember very well. My grades at school sometimes brought up a reaction about function Illiterate. Now they never came out and called me stupid. LOL but the message was pretty clear - at least to me - that I thought they felt I was. I wasn't about to ask what the heck was a simpleton or a functional illiterate was either! LOL I do remember going to school, and asking one of the teachers one day. I really was ready to find out. BOY! Was I MAD!
Politics was big in our house. Mother even was in that realm for a while. She was republican and Dad was democrat, and YES that did make for some very interesting DINNER discussions. THey were never ugly or cutting tho. I stayed out of it for the most part. LOL my brother as he got older got into the mix. I would pretty much just listen, and would rarely participate. Both my parents were very intelligent people, and I have always felt were very common sense down to earth ones as well. Alot of issues that the faith community were having hissies over they never told my brother and I "WELL ITS SATAN!" or something along those lines. LOL they would give both sides, and how they felt others thought and why they may feel that way. They will admit at times that they didn't understand the thinking, but from where they stood that is how they understood their stand. It was also nice that they didn't do it in a comdemning way. They at least really and truly attempted to show us the differences. Then were open and honest about their stand and why. THey were always pretty open about how their faith came into it also. I respect that in them both. LOL not to many people can do that! People always tell me how diplomatic I can be in times of stress....lol I wonder if that is where I get it from! I never understood why people got so ugly about issues without even considering where the other party comes from. It tends to cool things off a little at times. Doesn't matter if you agree - just see where they are coming from - maybe you can find a middle area we can all live with. LOL!
Anyway...for the most part my folks were on some pretty even ground. Yes they were on opposite parties, but for the most part they agreed on principal of items. LOL of course at times with a little slant towards their party of course! I never remember them getting really hostile like you can feel or see on TV at times. LOL maybe that was my problem - I wasn't on that middle ground that worked so well for them! I will admit I was a handful child! LOL by today's standards I'm sure a LEGIT ADHD child! I remember the late 1960's in grade school, and my mother having a fit because my teacher TIED me to the chair to get me to stick still. LOL! I'm not saying I blame her - I would also. It just tickles me to remember that. LOL I really didn't have a problem with it at the time! I just remember thinking, "Does she seriously think this will stop me?" LOLOL!
I think the fact that I was was always cut off, or told I didn't understand made me question my thoughts. Do I open my mouth now? What if they think I have lost my mind also? How do I defend myself? I never did such a great job from my prospective as a child against my two parents. LOL! I really and truly did question my every move on stands. Some people think I can get pretty darn firm on things. They KNOW when I am strong on a stand! LOL yes I tend to go off and stand my ground when I have a wild hair at times. LOL! I have calmed down with age tho. I got some of the same messages, but stronger when I got married. "People like you are what is wrong with the world!" "People like you that think like that are what are screwing us up!" "I have to consider WHOM I'm talking to!" LOL I love the last one! LOL at times I think the same about him...opps slapping hand...that isn't nice is it! The big thing about that last one is that I don't say it...but I do think it! ANYWAYYYYYYYY! LOL at times when I cool down I begin to fear that maybe I came off to strong! Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about! I always doubt doubt doubt! Drives me NUTS! I have enough people normally backing up most of what I say, and I do have to say in most cases I have well thought out every little bit of it.
Then I think maybe that is why I hesitiated at times when confused by his reactions at times - that I didn't react at all. I knew it was a hostile situation, and I doubted my side of things. He is very good at taking one grain of truth and strengthing it so out of proportion that it actually sounds GOOD at the time! LOL! but not afterwards! once I have cooled off! Other times I am so tired I really don't feel like going to battle. LOL and that is what it is when you disagree. My worst nightmare. ugh. I have gotton better in the last year. I have learned not to take his side of things in such a "FULL TRUTH AND DISCLOSURE" way. People let their spouses know of these types of things - feelings and such - when they were children. He tends to use that against me. So for now I don't share things that are close to my heart anymore. Its for me to know, and I doubt you will find out type of thing.
I remember my father one time comparing my brother and I to Alex and Mallory from "Family Ties" show. My brother is also very intelligent. But I really resented the comparsion. To me she was the "dumb blonde" stereotype with a couple nice things thrown in. I was told I didn't understand. LOL okay then!
I remember another time with my mother. LOL This one will crack you up! I grew up with the Vietnom war. It even was shown during cartoon time, and I was sick and tired of the death counts at dinner - the pictures of people shooting each other and getting killed. "MOM! WHen is the WAR going to END!" "Its not a war h!" I was a bit confused at this point, "What do you mean its not a war? They are killing each other aren't they?" "Its called a police action - not a war!" LOL well I pictured the cops going over there, and I knew that wasn't right (ha ha). I mean what were all the police officers doing there? "A Police action? I don't understand Mom! That doesn't make any sense!" "YOu wouldn't understand dear. Maybe when you are older." LOL! I still don't understand that WAR!!! LOLOL! That police action comment totally blew me away. I don't think I ever asked school about that one. LOL I didn't want to look dumb! I don't think I ever commented about that issue again, nor did I comment when the people came home. I do remember my parents thinking the people treated them horrible. That was the only war I lived thru at that point, and I really didn't ask why they felt that way. LOL I mean I never understood!
I wonder at times if doubt was ingrained in me. I'm not blaming my parents, like I said I love them to death. LOL I'm not using them as an excuse either. I guess I just realized things a little late. LOL it may be why I debate with my kids now also! "okay. tell me why you think that way?" LOL you get their answer, "I'm not sure I agree...." LOL you know the looks the kids give you when they think you lost it! LOL you are a parent what do you KNOW type of thing. LOLOL! I just drop it at that point. I figure if it is really important will come up again. Of course really truly good moral things I don't let drop, but some things I figure they can figure out for themselves. LOL its not worth the war!
What is strange is how life changes. My folks now tell me what a huge accomplishment I have made out of life. How they are so impressed with my way of doing things (at times of course LOL), and how smart I have turned out to be. I guess in some sense I do have street smarts, and they tell me how much common sense I have. LOL I get that from both of them I think! They told me if I don't know how to do something - or how to solve things - I have resources that will help me. I guess hold the "decision maker" role when it comes to their will and estate, and last days etc. ME! WOW! LOL would think that would be my brother's job! LOL not sure if that is the OLDEST kid thing - or if I really deserve it. But it did make me feel good. (Won't ask either...he he) My Dad told me the other day that I have one quality about me that he really admires. LOL! He said that I can be in a room - or deal with a situation - and I can hate that person's guts LOLOL - and they will never know it by my attitude. They will never feel that RRRRRRR towards them. I treat them like I would my best friend. LOL not so sure that is 100% of the time! But THANKS DAD! I guess he has seen me in action. LOL didn't know my true thoughts about a person until afterwards when I really needed to vent! Strange how you always thought you were downright dumb in their eyes - and how things change. LOL somedays I just wish I didn't feel so dumb anymore. I'm getting better in that arena...I'm sure that will change also.
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h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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Today's reach... - 8/5/2005 4:33:34 PM
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hnt
Posts: 689
Joined: 4/11/2005
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I had my group session again today. It went very well I think. The lady in the above post got her restraining order. She went up to the judge by herself, and told of the fear she has when he is served with divorce papers. Her and her children had written this long paper (I think about 13 pages) about all the abuse they had endured during the years. She had a permanent bruise on her leg from the last time he kicked her. The judge wanted to see that also. There is a technical term for the bruise – LOL I just can’t remember what it is. We had our check in time with one word on how we are feeling. Her word “Relief” for today. She said she didn’t care about the house or anything thing else. Her home now wasn’t a prison, and the kids don’t scatter every time he is around. He would enter the home, and the kids would get out of the house and go to a friend’s home. They might even hide up in their room. She said they never really got a chance to sit on the sofa relax and watch TV without friction being felt. It was a like a sense of peace came upon her, and she had started to get her life together. I guess she called his supervisor at work to tell him that 4 police officers were going to be there to serve the divorce papers, along with the protection order. Not only did she get a protection order, but also he is not able to contact the children either. They haven’t heard word one from him. She said she realizes it will not always be like that. But she is in peace with things, and knows that God will be there for her. She said she concentrated for so long on how to stay out of trouble that she had lost a lot of relationship with the Lord after a while, and she was glad she was getting that back. Her husband’s supervisor asked her WHY they would have 4 officers there to serve him. She told him, “Because he has been beating me for the 20 years, and I am filing for divorce. We are all scared that he will try to kill us.” I guess the supervisor told her they would hold him there until the police arrived. I guess his job is a Truck driver. You know what? I could hear the lack of shame she had in her voice. She was once the victim, and now no longer wishes to own that label. She wants her life and her children to have a life for the first time in a while. I saw a lot of her anger melt today also. She wasn’t as angry and bitter – it was as if she let all of that go. From my prospective, it was very good to see and I’m happy for her. For the first time she worried about the “other” lady in his life and her children when he got home that day. I have been praying myself.
My check in word was confused. LOL it was funny because I think everyone just about dropped their jaw when I said it. I guess I am the calm and rational one. LOL I’m the one that does all the reading, research and speak from my experience in my studies. I have also learned - for the most part anyway – how to stay calm in the middle of a storm. They have told me in the past how I have been the strong one in the group. I let everyone go first to speak about their week. Then it was my turn. They all looked at me, “Ok H – what does confused mean?” LOL! I told them that I have been getting messages from friends and family about myself. Things I never had never seen before, or even realized about myself. I have broken the silence to my parents and a handful of friends. LOL very few in fact – maybe 2. I work with them, and have become pretty close in time because of the projects etc that we work on together. One man and One woman. I remember we were just chatting casually and the man said to me, “You know I hear you speak about these things at home that happen. I know you get mad about them. The only thing I really don’t see the anger towards him – just the situation. I think you do the same thing with your father (he is terminal), and your true feeling about losing him. You must have some real hurt and rage built up inside, and I have seen how you hold back and never let it go. What are scared of? You need to stop stuffing those emotions and feel them. It has been chipping away at you for a long time.” My father said something along those lines to me last week. I guess I don’t allow myself to feel the true hurt and rage towards his treatment of me. My resentment, hurt, pain and at times YES even hate! I’m not one to cry. LOL if fact I just don’t cry in most cases. Maybe funerals type of situations. Lately I think of my father and my eyes well up with tears, and I fight them back. I think back to a time in which I truly and fully love my husband with every aspect of me, and the same thing happens. Both situations in my eyes are final. My father is going to die, and YES it will hurt like anything! My husband isn’t the man I fell in love with, and his self-hate tears everyone’s life apart that he is around. There is not reasoning with him, and we are told we are blame. I do have a sense of acceptance that he is who he is, and that person I wished was there will never be. Even if he did come back I’m not sure I could work towards trust again. I have had to put up with so much rage, anger, hate, resentment, bitterness, etc for no real reason at all. It basically kept me in line where he wanted me. It was tool for him to have his way. He never cared about the expense to took on myself or his children. I told the group I’m stuck. I don’t know what I feel anymore. I used to have this drive before my operation, and now I really don’t care too much in a true sense about anything. LOL and I don’t know why! I just feel parts of myself being chipped away, and I’m helpless to stop it. I’m helpless because I don’t know why this is happening. LOL I’m sure it is because of the abuse we endure, but I have always been strong. I normally can reason my way thru just about anything. I don’t trust in a lot of cases, and do stop myself from asking for help. Things have always been that way – myself taking things or leading things they way they should. Again I think maybe because I think they might think, “boy is she dumb! LOL she can’t even figure that out!” They asked me about individual therapy. I told them we don’t have the money. There is no money to be had. They referred me to an agency near here that will help me with this. I have left a message, and we will see where that goes. I was on depression meds a while back when I first got my operation. I guess I just felt it wasn’t doing any good, and stopped taking them. I didn’t want him to find out either because I knew that would be held against me. I told them today I think I’m ready to find out WHY now! LOL! I think I need to force myself to feel these feelings, so I can move on with my life. Where ever that may be. I need to allow myself to cry without feeling shame and stupidity. I need to stop stuffing, and live.
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h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: Reaching for IT!!!!!! - 8/8/2005 7:32:56 PM
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hnt
Posts: 689
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: offline
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Rough Draft from MEEEEEE! LOL!
Everyone needs three things in life: Unconditional Love, Significance, and security.
You can have those things with God. If you don’t have those things feelings can paralyze you.
Rom 8:31 In view of all this, what can we say? If God is for us, who can be against us?
Rom 8:32 Certainly not God, who did not even keep back his own Son, but offered him for us all! He gave us his Son---will he not also freely give us all things?
Remember knowing God is there for you, and when you know that you can’t be totally destroyed because of lack of affection from another person
Jer 31:3 I appeared to them from far away. People of Israel, I have always loved you, so I continue to show you my constant love.
Jer 31:4 Once again I will rebuild you. Once again you will take up your tambourines and dance joyfully.
Listen to yourself. Do I perform an action for a person because I should, or do I do this out of guilt? Do I choice to do this because it is right?
Is it bondage or freedom?
Rom 14:5 Some people think that a certain day is more important than other days, while others think that all days are the same. We each should firmly make up our own minds.
Are you still being submissive when you turn against manipulation? A lot of people question that! Submission is of God and Manipulation is NOT! It’s a sin because the person is placing faith tactics that are being used to control another person! When you do things that are not of God’s will – you are not helping the person – but rendering them!
Rom 14:23 But if they have doubts about what they eat, God condemns them when they eat it, because their action is not based on faith. And anything that is not based on faith is sin.
To cave to manipulation is not of God!
Phi 4:19 And with all his abundant wealth through Christ Jesus, my God will supply all your needs.
Jer 17:5 The LORD says, "I will condemn those who turn away from me and put their trust in human beings, in the strength of mortals.
#1 Do not depend on the manipulator!
Luk 16:15 Jesus said to them, "You are the ones who make yourselves look right in other people's sight, but God knows your hearts. For the things that are considered of great value by people are worth nothing in God's sight.
#2 Expect anger from the manipulator when tactic don’t work anymore!
Psa 31:3 You are my refuge and defense; guide me and lead me as you have promised.
Psa 31:4 Keep me safe from the trap that has been set for me; shelter me from danger.
Psa 31:5 I place myself in your care. You will save me, LORD; you are a faithful God.
#3 Prepare yourself for the pain you will feel – guilt. But remember this is a false guilt.
Heb 12:7 Endure what you suffer as being a father's punishment; your suffering shows that God is treating you as his children. Was there ever a child who was not punished by his father?
#4 Look at the expectations of the manipulator.
Pro 22:3 Sensible people will see trouble coming and avoid it, but an unthinking person will walk right into it and regret it later.
Write down the manipulations. Pray that Christ will be the controller!
Psa 5:3 you hear my voice in the morning; at sunrise I offer my prayer and wait for your answer.
Don’t expect the manipulator to change! Instead lay your expectations at the feet of the Lord and wait on him!
#5 Inform the manipulator of the importance of the change. You need to explain WHY you are changing your behavior patterns. Don’t point fingers or lay blame.
“Sometimes I did things for you because I wanted to please you. At other times I did things I knew were not right, and I need to change that because it’s not fair to you. I am doing something wrong, and I want you to know that I will change. As a result we will have a healthier relationship because of it!”
Heb 12:1 As for us, we have this large crowd of witnesses around us. So then, let us rid ourselves of everything that gets in the way, and of the sin, which holds on to us so tightly, and let us run with determination the race that lies before us.
#6 Don’t defend yourself. Don’t react to “YOU DON’T CARE!” If that is the case that they truly think that there is no rational thought process there! Rather emotional habits patterns. Being defensive is not effective!
Ecc 3:7 the time for tearing and the time for mending, the time for silence and the time for talk.
Wait until the manipulator can be and be rational.
#7 Experiment with new strategies. A creative manipulator can come in the backdoor, front door, chimney, etc. LOL the lord will vindicate you. You can make it and you can do it! No matter what games the person uses.
Isa 50:6 I bared my back to those who beat me. I did not stop them when they insulted me, when they pulled out the hairs of my beard and spit in my face.
Isa 50:7 But their insults cannot hurt me because the Sovereign LORD gives me help. I brace myself to endure them. I know that I will not be disgraced,
Isa 50:8 for God is near, and he will prove me innocent. Does anyone dare bring charges against me? Let us go to court together! Let him bring his accusation!
#8 Nullify your need to meet the needs of a manipulator.
Gal 1:9 We have said it before, and now I say it again: if anyone preaches to you a gospel that is different from the one you accepted, may he be condemned to hell!
Gal 1:10 Does this sound as if I am trying to win human approval? No indeed! What I want is God's approval! Am I trying to be popular with people? If I were still trying to do so, I would not be a servant of Christ.
#9 Yield to pleasing the Lord first!
You hear a lot of Christians say that people should fulfill others needs…blah blah blah!
Jesus was not a people pleaser!
Mat 10:34 "Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the world. No, I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.
Jesus did not compromise because he cut it straight. Speak the truth and act out the truth because he is the truth!
Col 1:27 God's plan is to make known his secret to his people, this rich and glorious secret which he has for all peoples. And the secret is that Christ is in you, which means that you will share in the glory of God.
Col 1:28 So we preach Christ to everyone. With all possible wisdom we warn and teach them in order to bring each one into God's presence as a mature individual in union with Christ.
Col 1:29 To get this done I toil and struggle, using the mighty strength which Christ supplies and which is at work in me.
Christ like people makes tough decisions about not bending to another’s will. Be at peace even when others are upset with you!
Pro 29:25 It is dangerous to be concerned with what others think of you, but if you trust the LORD, you are safe.
At times the most spiritual sacrifice you can make is giving up being the people pleaser. Realize there are times you won’t please another person, so that you can please the Lord.
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h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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Phone Call - 8/10/2005 11:07:55 AM
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hnt
Posts: 689
Joined: 4/11/2005
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I had a chat tonight with the lady from group that I have mentioned before. I called to check on her because I had been worried about her. I know a lot of times these men get Protection orders, but they still don’t care. To me they almost take things as, “How dare you ATTEMPT to tell me what to do!” I was worried about her and her children. It really hasn’t been that long, and from what I heard so far he had not tried to contact them – we last spoke on Friday. She and her son were driving along the road today, and came to a stoplight. They looked around and his truck was right beside them. He looked at them with rage in eyes. She told her to son to keep going. They drove and he attempted to try push them over with his truck. She told her son they needed to pull over. They pulled over and he left. She told me she should have called the police. I guess in their fright they didn’t. Maybe they just were not sure what to do. I think they regret it a bit, but they were relieved that he kept going. I do think he if had pushed it she would have called. The courts gave her a cell phone to carry at all times.
Her daughter went to see her grandparents this weekend. They got the letter they sent! They were crying and saying they didn’t know. They didn’t know the son they raised. Why didn’t they tell them? I guess her daughter told them she tried to a number of times. No one listened. Denial runs deep. From what she said her daughter held firm, and she is ready to step out of world of denial. She wasn’t going to minimize things anymore. Sounds like they grandparents attempted, but she wasn’t going to let them get away with that. Her boyfriend was with her, and he sent her a dozen long stem roses today as support of the strength he saw this weekend. That has to be hard! That is her father! She is firm on what happened in their lives, and is still uneasy about the loyalty aspect. I can understand that it is her father. Sounds like she is on the road to acceptance.
I guess right after her last beating, and she hit the lowest point of her life she thought of suicide. Someone at church told her, “What is he God? You are going to give him the ultimate sacrifice? This man acts like Satan himself at times! Don’t let him WIN!” She said she knew she was right. God should be at that place of power in her life, and her husband needs to go to the bottom of the list. He didn’t care about her. In fact her husband encouraged her to do it. Told her they should have never had children. Her son was standing right her there when he said it. Her son in a way gave up his father image that night. I guess he left for good shortly after that, and she had her nervous breakdown. Her children and her daughter’s boyfriend took care of things after that. Until she started to come out of her hole. She said that she was still waiting for him to come home. She had kept that door open all this time. They day she found out about the girlfriend was when the door slammed shut. She said she had done everything she could think of to be a good wife, and he never loved and gave her the respect she deserved. He would never even touch her, and yet she prided herself on making sure she looked good for him. She said right before he left was the last time – and it had been a long time – and now she found out he had been with tons of women at trucks stops (he is a truck driver), and now she gets to have AIDS testing every 3 months.
She said that night she found out about the other woman – even though she knew that is where he was – I guess her denial just snapped. She fell down on her knees and she screamed to the Lord, “I don’t know what to do now! I am going to rely on you! You need to show me the way because I’m lost! I need you help us please – Guide us!” She said she totally surrendered herself to him that night, and in the morning she felt relief. She told me it was almost like he was telling me in the car one day, “You aren’t done! You must do more! You have to do this!” She said she was thinking, praying and next things she knew she was driving by the courthouse. There was fear, but something told her she needed to be strong. That was the day she went into court to get her order. She said she has been at peace even since. She had gone before the courthouse and they had turned her down. But this time was different. She had her 13-page letter, and she told of the abuse they had endured for 20 years. She showed the bruise that would never go away. She said she felt very strong in court. I guess he has to show up in court tomorrow and pay fines because of the protection order. If he doesn’t show it is an automatic 2-year order. I hope he stays away. They have a court date later this month if he doesn’t, and they can work on the permanent one them. She had been going to the same doctor for years, and I guess he has been taking pictures and documenting things all along. He can’t say they don’t have proof.
She said she had given up on him, and she wanted a life now. God wanted her to have a life and her children to have a life. He wants her to end the cycle. The beatings were bad, but the words are the items that she must really heal from now. She has decided that she has to have zero tolerance for anything. She said she sees the other ladies in our group, and she wants to push them out of their marriages. “We are going to lose our house, and you know I don’t care. We don’t have money even for a sliding scale fees at the clinics, and we are food stamps. He bought a $10,000 motorcycle. I told him I was healing, and he told me he wants to stay sick. There comes a time in which you have to see that they don’t care about you – only them. They don’t care about the kids – only them.” She mentioned that it will be a rough ride, but nothing compared to what she has lived with. She mentioned that she couldn’t take a bath yet. She has to re-train herself that this is okay. She has to re-train herself to sit and watch TV or read a book. Someone isn’t going to come in to ruin things and terrorize them. Now it is okay to leave the bedroom door open. She is slowly getting her life back.
I knew it was coming, and she finally asked what my plans are. I told her I had this drive late last year, and I have completely lost it. I had my hysterectomy in November. My husband’s health issues have been major issues our whole marriage. I had taken care of him all this time, and I felt he owned me this operation and recovery. I have moved a money stash out of the house, and I have a stack of copied paperwork off site as well. I was full of angry towards him, and I had reached my limit. I wanted myself and the children to escape and have a life. I told her I had never been beat like her. After my operation I fell into this deep pit, and I couldn’t get out of it. My drive disappeared and depression kicked in. My therapist told me that she felt it was depression, and also I struggling with the fact that I will lose my father soon. I had been the one that had taken care of everyone in a lot of situations – includes his family and was tapped at the moment. I had been trying so hard for so long to keep control of things so they wouldn’t fall apart, and instead I was falling apart. I told her I don’t know what happened. I just didn’t care that much anymore, and I was mad at myself after a while for that attitude. I have made an appointment with a mental health clinic for some one on one. I want to try again to get my “ME” back. I lost her again.
She asked me, “You know that he will never be there for you they way you need right?” LOL I know this also. I accepted that a while ago. My mother has been so strong with my father’s failing health. I took her out one day and when we came back home she totally broke down on me. I was strong for her, but I really wanted to break as well. We had got some really awful news, and the reality of his illness really hit home for me that day. I was about 45 minutes from home, and I think I cried the whole way. As I got closer to home I started to straighten up so that I wouldn’t upset my children. My husband came home that evening, and I told him of the awful news of my Dad. How things really rang reality in today for me. “Well both our fathers will die someday” was all he could offer me. I remember standing there so fragile I could have shattered with one touch. I would have broken into a million pieces. I fixed dinner and served everyone in the dark. I didn’t want them to know I was upset, and then went down the basement to cry again. I remember later that night he came down and mentioned that my eyes looked funny. I glanced at him, and he walked away. After years of non-acknowledge of things like this it didn’t hit me as not normal for him. That was normal for him, and you can’t push for things he can’t give. I have learned that asking gets you more hurt in the long run. He would never be there I knew this. I really accepted it that night.
We all know people that don’t have it to give. She told me to not forget words or the actions. A good father wants to keep the kids safe. Not tell them things like don’t get to used to living here or when I leave you will be living under a bush and eating bugs. I have seen the hurt in their eyes when he blurted out stuff, and I have stood up to him regarding this also. Of course the justification is always there. During my recovery I will never forget the pain in their eyes when he told them since I was sick there would be no Christmas. Actually I don’t remember one holiday that he didn’t claim it wasn’t going to happen for one reason or another. The couple of times he attempted to throw out everything in their rooms. Sometimes I wonder if he did those things just to get a reaction out of me. He always got it if that was the case, and stood up to him and refused to back down. He has this way about him that when he gets into a roll saying words to hurt and spear is the name of the game. I normally step in between him and the kids, and of course the target changes. I assume it would be worse if he did hit. At times I wonder how I would handle things if he did. I do know myself well enough that I would call the police. I bet that I what stops him. He has threatened me before, and I have reminded him that his evening would be spent jail.
At times I think he does care for the kids. At times I think maybe he actually cares for me as well. Our lives are very conditional though. You never know what the conditions will be at times. I guess they call that walking on eggshells. I know the tension gets to me at times, and my patience runs thin. I normally get the kids busy with something, and try to pull back so at least they don’t get attitude on both sides. I’m reminded often what type of mother he thinks I am. All I know is the children always come to me when hurt. Come to me with needs, and hugs, kisses and I love you’s! They don’t ask Dad about bowling, movies, etc. We always do those things alone and without him.
She told me I need to get down on my knees and pray for God’s guidance. Tell him that I stuck and I don’t know which to way to go. She said you will have to listen, and have faith in his answers. They may not always make sense, nor will they be comfortable at times. Do it anyway because he knows what you need to do. She said one thing to me that really stuck. She told me, “H listen to him. He may tell you to put the shovel down and stop digging.” At times I get scared about that thought. I have this feeling that is coming. Stop digging and face things. Let them happen.
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h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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Friday Fun - 8/12/2005 12:05:33 PM
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hnt
Posts: 689
Joined: 4/11/2005
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I will not be going to group today. I know my kids are going to miss it. Something happened this week, and it scared me.
At times the ladies in-group we call each other, or met each other out somewhere. One day I called one of the ladies because she wanted to borrow something from me – or it was advice on computers – something like that! LOL Anyway….. During the conversation she told me she was taking her kids to the beach, and would I like to come along. Our kids are both in the children’s group that goes on at the same time our group does during the summer. The kids have fun with each other, and I felt like WHY NOT! So we went and we had a lot of fun!
She called me earlier this week because her daughter tore her bathing suit, and all the stores have already sold out of replacements. She is in camp and would have to sit and watch people swim instead of participate without a suit. She asked if my daughter had a suit she could borrow. I had one that she grew out of and could have it. LOL! Her husband has been removed from the house due to an order from the court. He has a huge family, and they all take turns intimidating her. I remember she told us of one day in court. Some items were settled. He had his entire family there. I think he has a TON of siblings. She and her lawyer were getting ready to leave, and they blocked the path with their presence. Her lawyer took her by the arm and told her just walk thru them. They did, and the family moved to the next set of doors to do the same thing. Her lawyer found a private room in the courthouse, and they sat in there until they had all left. They are starting to get a life of their own without him around. She has the children call him every night. I guess the kids have spoke about my children, and the fun they have together. Now he wants to know who we are and where we live. He accused her of having and affair with me. She asked me to make sure my children give as little information about personal things – like last name, location, etc as possible. She doesn’t want him to find us. Talk about grasping at straws! LOL an affair? Give me a break! I have read in a lot of articles that this behavior is not uncommon. You go to the doctor and have nice things to say – or a neighbor that was nice enough to let you borrow the rake – and you are instantly accused of an affair. I know this is a control factor. The thing is he is using my children to do it. I decided that we have two weeks before school starts, and the program ends – we just won’t go back. Her children start a new school, and they will be talking about new friends there soon enough. I will stick to the phone calls now, and keep the personal space for now.
I called my group therapist to let her know of my decision. I told her to NOT tell this woman the reason’s why. I know she would have a major anxiety attack thinking that she forced me to stay away. She would take it all wrong. I told my therapist that she didn’t need this extra load, and I was happy that she was honest enough to warn me. Tell the group I have other commitments right now. I will come back once school starts. Its only two weeks. I know my therapist didn’t like the fact that I was giving away some of my needs right now. But I have to think of my children and myself. I would feel awful if I added up additional legal expense of her having to defend her time with us. He sounds like the type that would do it also. His family is helping back the legal fund, and they are all out trying to get her on something. Her resources are limited. I think for both reasons we just need to keep that distance for now.
Some of my friends in town yesterday that know of group I attend were surprised that I planned on missing it today. I didn’t go into details as the to reasons. A shaming feeling came upon me over this happening. I know it shouldn’t be there. I didn’t tell any of the other ladies in group about the situation either. They really don’t need to know. They would understand more than anyone else, but there really isn’t a need to know – ya know? LOL! I was reaching out for friendship and support with someone that understands my situation, and I understand her situation. You feel less isolated in this world with people dealing with the same kind of thing. The uglies of our world came and bit us, and that is how we live. The uglies are always there, and these people try their best to make us miserable and question every move we make. I have this normal feeling that I did something wrong to make this happen. LOL the reality is I didn’t. Shows you what they do to you.
I prayed about this situation, and asked God to protect us. Asked him to show me the answers. The next day I was at peace with my decision and the fear disappeared. I’m at peace with it now.
This man’s actions and attitude is something I think most can’t even begin to grasp, and I think that is why they just don’t get it when we tell them their views on our marriages don’t make sense. They just don’t understand the defensiveness of but you are one flesh, and it is a sin to leave. LOL you have no biblical grounds. If fear, mistrust, and self-protection in areas that are taken for granted by most isn’t something they feel God would understand – they don’t have the God I have. They say to pray for change within you. LOL what they don’t understand is we have already changed a lot. We have adjusted to the fear and intimation of living with them. We do that for our protection. We have to. We can’t speak with what we need to – because words and actions will be twisted. Even if we do that and stand up for ourselves and know things aren’t as they say – you wonder if it was worth being beat up about in opening your mouth. Some learn to defend themselves and others just crumble. Both are seen as not doing enough. I think people feel that acting and being realistic, loving, logical and reasonable – walking as God thinks you should in their minds – is going to work in the mind of an abuser. The abuser sees it and feels it – and that is why they attack even harder. They tell you that the apostles and Jesus suffered also. Accept the suffering like they did. People seem to forget that are two types of suffering. Voluntary suffering for what you believe in, and involuntary suffering that people place upon you. Jesus and his followers have a very important cause. Martin Luther King had his cause. People you read about in History that suffered for their cause – did it for a purpose. Then you have the other type. When people rape, murder, abuse and you suffer. There is no cause in the sense of other type of suffering. There is a difference. Jesus could have gone on with his life if he didn’t commit to his suffering on the cross. He might have been able to escape his death on the cross. He could have disappeared and hid for his own safety. We all know he didn’t do that. He had a purpose. His purpose was us. He felt we were worth it. Suffering in an abusive marriage isn’t the same. There is no purpose even close to what Jesus or others that suffered/died for their cause - our suffering is much different in type. My children see me fight for our peace. I fight for our rights as humans with feelings and existence. I fight for who we are. Sure my kids see me fight, but they learn things also from the other role model. People say it isn’t right that kids grow up without a father in the house – they need their father. I agree they need a father figure. You learn from male role models things females may not be able to touch on. We have to remember the child’s mind. You have one parent showing them they ways of life they learn in church and Sunday school, and then you have one that teaches Bang now and ask questions later! You have one parent that is dominant and seems to have all the control. They are scared to go against force of adult and parent. This HUGE role model in their world. In a child’s mind who is the safer one to side with?
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h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: Friday Fun - 8/18/2005 8:03:43 PM
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hnt
Posts: 689
Joined: 4/11/2005
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I'm not sure if I will go to group tommorrow. I still imtimidated by the situation a bit.
The kids and I planning on going to church tommorrow night. They have a campout on church grounds. I just need to take our air mattress we have, and use the pool repair kit and fix the holes. LOL! Otherwise we will be sleeping on the ground before morning! I will do that while he is at work tommorrow. I won't have to worry about comments that way. I think the kids are actually looking forward to going. School starts Monday and I will be glad to get them back  . lol!
We have a festival here in town that goes on every year. They have a night for handicapped kids. That was Wednesday. I normally like to volunteer for the event sometime, but they really don't have lost of volunteers that night. LOL! I guess our chamber was asked to take a shift on Sunday night. Since I'm an officer I know I need to go. We take turns pouring beer, selling tickets and wristbands. Last year I did this and I really had a good time. Afterwards they have fireworks. The kids have school bright and early that next morning, and it is to late for them to come. Our chamber president is the DJ for the event, and normally we go back stage with him and see the fireworks. It is really pretty over the river we have here.
I'm gearing up for our Oktoberfest next month. Our chamber puts it on with a local german club. I have been helping with artwork most of last week for all the wearables and such. Placed all the orders, and now I need to start getting volunteers for the event. This will be my 6th year doing this. We raise funds for scholarships. Its funny because everything is authentic. They play German music the whole weekend, and after all these years I can actually sing the songs. LOL ask me what I'm singing...  ...that's a different story! I have NO IDEA most of the time! They have adults and children's groups that are dancers that come to entertain people. They have the drum and bugle core that comes out also - they are a HUGE draw I think! I get my fill of German food as well! It was funny because last year I actually went to McDonalds when I had a break, and sat down to eat it. THis lady was teasing me and said, "Are you telling us something about the food they serve here?" LOL I said, "Nope! I just have been eating sausauge for 4 days straight and I really needed something different!" She just laughed and said she didn't blame me. The food is excellence don't get me wrong, but I had a taste for something a little different.
My son and I were in the newspaper this week. We were among other officers from the chamber that presented a check donation towards our town's anti-drug/gang program. My son was hanging on my leg while I was presenting the check at National Night Out Against Crime. He was thrilled to see himself in the newspaper!
I need to get my calendar online for the volunteers set up tho. I round up close to 400 shifts for the weekend. I check them in and out when they are there. LOL In the offtimes I put out fires (not literally) that are happening at the event. When you have a party for 20,000 people things tend to happen! By Sunday I'm pretty much toast! I'm so crispy it isn't even funny! I know the rest of the committee is as well. This year we are minus a couple of people from years past. We had an ugly scene with some of the staff during the fest last year, and they resigned. I was actually relieved that they did. No offense but they were not very nice most of the time. I had my own battles with them and their egos. Its really strange how smoothly it is going this year, and with NO fights! The treasurer for our chamber is also the treasurer for the event. He makes sure he places carnival ride wristbands aside for the kids and my husband. They normally come out during the weekend for dinner and RIDES! LOL!
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h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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Need Prayer for the day - 8/22/2005 11:55:33 AM
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hnt
Posts: 689
Joined: 4/11/2005
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My father is in the hospital again. His breathing was about 70% when they arrived. They have brought that up to 80%, but he isn't very lucid. He talks but doesn't make sense.
I could tell this morning my mother was barely keeping it together. They felt he might have had a heart attack, and his lung doctor said that was something they could deal with. I guess they ruled that out, and now we are waiting to see if his condition has indeed attacked his lungs.
I didn't tell my kids this morning because it is the first day of school. I wanted them to have an exciting day. Not sure if I will have to much to tell them when they get home. I think I'm going to wait to see what happens. I don't want them upset. If he condition looks like we are nearing the end I will have to tell them, but I think I'm going to wait until I have that confirmed.
My brother called to see what I knew because he couldn't get ahold of mother this morning. I just broke down during the phone call. I guess it is just a waiting game now.
Prayers for strength and healing would be apprecaited.
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I guess for myself I am very scared. I also know that my husband will not be the person I can lean on for this. I think I will be calling a couple of ladies from group. I told my church/kid's school this morning about the turn of events. They told me they would be praying for me this morning, and our pastor may call me. LOL I hope not ... I don't want to start crying with him over the phone. I feel like such an idiot when I cry.
I'm going to try to put a brave face forward, and be strong for my mother.
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h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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Daddy Died. - 8/25/2005 12:52:49 PM
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hnt
Posts: 689
Joined: 4/11/2005
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I sit here pretty numb. I don't think it has hit me completely yet. I know it is coming.
I got a call from the hospital day before yesterday as I was clearing up some paperwork for the days ahead. They said Dad was asking for us, and my mother wasn't home when they called. I called my brother and told him to come to the hospital right away. I called my sister in law to pick up the kids from school for me. I called my brother in law to ask him to call my husband at work. They would soon start to put him asleep. I knew this was it. I talked with a lady from group all the way to the hospital. I had to reach out.
The day before my mother had called me to tell me about my Dad. The nurses basically told her he wasn't coming home this time. That day is a bit of daze. Reality had hit. I got the kids home from school, and my brother made the decision that he would go to the hospital to see my father with his wife. My mother decided she wasn't going back that night, and I decided that I needed to be with her. My husband came home and I got him into another room to tell him. "What are you saying...he is going to kick the bucket NOW?" We had an appointment that he made that would only see people as a couple, and I told him of the decision to see my mother that night. He was irritated with that, and I reminded him in a sharp tone what was more important! I called to cancel the appointment. He left to go and mow the lawn. I called my mother in law and told her of the news. She felt very sorry for me. I started to cry and told her I hadn't told the kids yet. They live at the end of our block, and said she was coming over NOW! I went outside and started the conversation again with my husband. I really felt he never got it. I started to cry at this point. I never do that EVER! He hugged me a little, and started to rub my back. My daughter came out and he signaled to go back in to her. When I got myself together I told him I couldn't speak to the kids at this point. He reminded me of my daughter, and said she saw me very upset. We decided that he would tell them. My mother in law was there by that point, and he told my kids. They cried also. After a while I came into the room with them. My kids came up and hugged me and said they were sorry about my Dad. I left to be with my mother, and he and the kids when to inlaw’s house for dinner.
My folks live about 45 minutes away. I needed sanity at that point. I made a call to my girlfriend I have had since I was 17. She told me that she would met me at the hospital that next day, and basically got me to my mother's house. I made a couple more calls. For some reason I just couldn't be alone. Thank goodness for cell phones!
My mother and I had this conversation like we would have most other days. Sure we spoke of what was going on, but for the most part - other things. She decided that she would get the kittens declawed the next day, and she was determined to get her hair done also. She wasn't going back until about noon. I think at that point I decided that was her way of dealing with it. I was fine with it. Next subject...LOL! We went to dinner and my brother called on the cell phone and I told him where we were. They arrived as we were finishing up dinner, and my brother was telling us what Daddy told him. According to Dad he went downstairs to get bottled water. At this point he couldn’t get up the stairs and screamed to my mother for help. She was so asleep she never heard him. He was crawling up the stairs – stopping to scream for help – she was still asleep. He dragged himself into the bathroom – and really started to scream again – FINALLY mother woke up and came to his rescue. My mother at this point had a fit. He told this story when she checked him into the hospital also I guess. My mother told me that NEVER happened! His breathing capacity was about 70 something. You have to be in the upper 90s for normal activities. I know myself he was incapable of getting down those stairs by himself – much less getting back up them! LOL! I think this story really hurt her. Dad didn’t mean it that way – Dad in his right mind would NEVER do or say anything to hurt mother. To be honest I think Dad was hallucinating. I mean he also told the hospital that he had TB when they arrived. LOL Dad doesn’t have TB. Dad never had TB. The bathroom she heard him in is about 6 feet away from his bed, and YES he did get that far! He was on the floor when she found him. It was early morning, and he got up to go to the bathroom – normal stuff! Mother heard him getting up to go to the bathroom. When he started to scream and she came Mother knew at this point he needed to get to the hospital. He couldn’t stand or walk. The ambulance in their area only takes them to the closest hospital, and they have NO pulmonary care there. Another hospital a few miles down does, and they would have to wait on a transfer from the hospital that doesn’t once they got there – his condition at that point didn’t have the time for the transfer. I know that sounds stupid, but I did check into it I found it true. Mother helped him crawl downstairs and into the car. She placed his oxygen on him, and she drove him to the hospital. The staff got him out of the car, and were scared to die he was going to die right there. They did stabilize him enough for him to make statements about having TB and said he just fell down the stairs. LOL! I know in his mind it happened, but from what happened at the hospital after that and what my mother told us – his story just isn’t logical. I think she feels defensive because people may believe him, and may think she may have neglected him in some way. I reminded her that his story doesn’t make sense considering his condition, and besides the ending would have been the same anyway. Dad was terminal and there was no changing that. I left her that evening and she told me that I made her evening more bearable that she felt it was going to be.
The next day I got the phone call I stated above. I rushed to the hospital after calling my brother. My mother and he were already there when I got there. Dad was asleep with a machine breathing for him. He woke up long enough to say, “H! What do I owe this pleasure!” “Thanks Dad” and he giggled at me. My Dad can be a smarty-pants fulltime if you let him! LOL! He went back to sleep after that. I left the room after a while because I knew I had to cry. My mother and brother came down to where I was, and went into a waiting room. They signaled for me to follow, but I shook my head NO. I needed to cry by myself. My brother came back to the room where I was and told me mother made the decision she wasn’t come back into the room. It was very hard seeing him like this. After a while I decided I needed a candy bar. When I returned my mother and brother told me they were going to the funeral home to make his arrangements. I questioned this at first, but decided it wasn’t worth going into. I told them I would stay with my father. They nurse came in to comfort me, and told me this may take a while. I looked her, and told her I hoped not. They had told me prior that he was basically living in a drowning situation. I didn’t want that for him. I told them if there was anything they could do to speed it along to do it. I didn’t want him to suffer anymore. He told me in a letter and verbally he wanted to go fast. No extra measures needed to be taken. We turned down the ventilator and he did also. At this point they upped his meds via the IV, and also started to pump additional meds into him. My girlfriend called and said she would be there within minutes. The nurse asked if I wanted a Priest or Chaplain to be with me. I guess she asked him the night before about this, and he told her he wasn’t a man of faith. My jaw just about dropped to the floor! LOL Here laid this Sunday school teacher, and his whole life was around his faith/church – but he wasn’t a man of faith. Okay then! I knew he was GONE at this point! LOL! My parents are the reason for my faith. They showed me the way. The Chaplain got there right after my girlfriend did. We talked, giggled, cried and prayed. The whole time every 20 minutes they came in to up his meds. He wasn’t waking up again.
The Pulvic care doctor – I think it is called – came to me and spoke about my father to me. They were following my instructions on making him comfortable as he was getting weaker and weaker. I told them I didn’t want him dying with the oxygen mask on. Can we do that without hurting him? The machine at this point was the only thing keeping him alive. They would take it off if I wanted them to. I asked them how long after that, and she told me it could be minutes. I told her to do everything else, but wait for the mask until my mother returned. It was so strange because within moments my mother arrived, and we started to tell her of the arrangement I had made. My cell phone rang again, and I went into the hallway and my girlfriend told me goodbye. It was my pastor. I was so out of it I really don’t remember most of the conversation. He prayed for us over the phone, and reminded me that we were loved. I went back into the room, and we told my father we were taking the mask off. They placed the tube in his nose, and he started to go quickly at that point. They continued to pump him with meds. When his respiration and such got really low they turned off the monitors. He died within 20 minutes.
I remember telling him to relax and go. Its time Daddy – just go! During the silent time with just him and myself I spoke to him. I told him that I loved him, and that I would take care of mom. That we would make sure and be happy, and to stop worrying about us. I remember thinking of him with his mother that passed. His uncle and grandparents that he missed. He was going to be reunited with him, and he was going to be free enough to hug them tight with no pain. I remember the three of us trying to be so brave towards the end. I finally just broke down and started to cry. My brother was rubbing my back, and he started to cry also. My mother was the last one. After his heart stopped my brother and I hugged each other and cried again. I could tell he was walking off in pain, and I just couldn’t let him do that. I had to go outside for while. I needed my alone time for a minutes, and then I called my husband to tell him, and he said, “that was fast!” He said the kids were walking home from my mother in law’s house now, and he would inform them when they came in. I called 2 friends and told them also. Afterwards I went back and I took off my father’s rings. Sat on the end of the bed holding his hand as we spoke about the days ahead. My sister in law came at that point. After a while we all left the hospital together.
On the way home from the hospital I called that lady from group again, and she talked me all the way home from the hospital which was over an hour away. I hung up right when I got in town. I stopped at the meeting place where I was to have a meeting that night. I sat in my car in the parking lot. A couple of friends came up to me, and hugged me and said they were sorry. “You aren’t going to the meeting! You know that right?” LOL I knew it. I just didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to face my kids. I didn’t want to go on – maybe just pretend he was still here for a while I guess. My husband called and asked about dinner. I told him I wasn’t cooking tonight, and he asked me to pick something up on the way home. I got McDonalds and came home. My kids told me how sorry they were. My husband asked how I was doing. He then began to eat in front of the TV. I couldn’t sit still. I went downstairs and called my mother to tell her I would come and stay with her. She didn’t want me to. I talked to a friend on the computer for a while, and then went outside. The kids were riding their bikes up and down the sidewalk, and my neighbor came up to give me a hug. I got the kids in bed, and just sat there for while. Returned to the basement and spoke to another friend on the computer. I got two other calls on my cell phone from friends checking up on me. My husband came down and again asked me how I was doing. Informed me he was going to bed. I had two beers after that, and went to bed myself. He was watching a coin show, and I barely remember a silver coin on the scene and then the alarm was waking me up.
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h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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The memorial was great... - 8/30/2005 12:48:30 PM
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hnt
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Dad’s memorial was last night. We had a short and sweet one just like he wanted.
Right before a local newspaper ran a story about my father. When we first moved here in our state, and where they live now – it was a very small town. We had to drive MILES just to find a restaurant or a bank. My father made the decision that our town needed a library. It’s funny because I remember this struggle growing up, but never thought too much about it. He got people together, and funding and they rented an old house. People made donations of books, and my mother was a librarian. I remember her placing me in the bathroom of that house with PILES of books that I was cataloging. She would come in and grab the ones we finished – type them up and place them on the shelves. The bathroom was the one room we had to use for storage. LOL! For years our lives were surrounded by this library, and for me as child – it was just normal! We finally got a trailer off public works to move the library to, and I remember the GRAND OPENING and Dad asking me for music to play. Then we moved to a storefront, and when my father retired after numerous years the village granted money to build a REAL building for it. I see that library now, and it just blows me away to see how far they have come.
They ran this HUGE story about “Founder/Trustee/President” of library dies. I remember writing his obit, and listing all these things he had done. Volunteering for this, that or other. I have to say he was a busy person! LOL! My mother said that his time for others made him feel good, and he truly enjoyed doing it. He knew he was making others feel good, and that was his drive for getting it done. I have to agree with that, and when people tell me they are MUCH to busy to volunteer for anything – I feel sorry for them. They have no idea how much they are missing in life. YES! Dad passed that volunteering bug on to me! After all the exhausting hours, frustrating moments – when it is done you look back and say “I did that!” and a HUGE sense of accomplishment is what you are left with. Money and things just can’t compare.
Friends that he worked with on different projects kept telling me, “I had no idea your father did this also.” “WOW he did that also?” You forget after a while, and death is what makes you remember. Kind of strange huh?
I wrote a letter to my father, and the pastor read it at the memorial service. Some of it was very humorous, and the people were laughing. I also had serious things to say. Afterwards they came to me and said I wrote about my father in a nutshell. They said they couldn’t believe how well I placed him in words. Even towards the end as he is dragging his oxygen tank along to his volunteer shifts at food banks, senior centers – they said he always knew his presence was there when they walked in. They knew he was sick, but I guess like us never thought the day would come that he would actually die.
The pastor kept the service very upbeat, and our family cried very little. My mother and I started to giggle as the last song was sung, “The Saints go marching it!” I giggled to my mother, “What I song he picked for his funeral!”
My husband was standing next to me when all these people came up to me that spoke of all the things my father had done for organizations or families. How he fought for causes, and how he had given so much back. I think my husband was actually shocked as he heard these stories. He had heard me speak of these, but I don’t think he truly ever realized the impact it has on others. At one point he was telling them that I have started to follow in his shadow. I must have caught this “bug” because I spend my free time doing what he did for years also. Funny how he always felt it was a big waste of time before. When he starts on that again I will forever laugh at him now.
I’m glad I had a real man in my life for a short period of time. WOW they are actually out there! LOL Dad reminded me of this!
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h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: Reaching for IT!!!!!! - 9/2/2005 10:51:54 PM
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hnt
Posts: 689
Joined: 4/11/2005
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Some friends of mine came to me a couple of days after the service because they were confused about comments my husband made at the funeral of my father. After hearing what they had to say I was a bit stunned to say the least.
My mother left to make arrangements for his funeral with my brother. From what I hear this is NOT unusual behavior from those going thru this. I just felt it was her way of dealing with it. I believe I wrote that I had made decisions and made comments to the staff and doctors to make it easier for my father to let go. He wanted it short and sweet. He got his wish.
My husband finally asked me a little about that day, and I did mention what I had lived with that day. I didn’t mention to him that I felt it was odd that he never bothered showing up to be with me. It’s a dead issue at this point. He was telling me that things couldn’t have happened the way I told it. The actions I spoke about with the nurses are euthanasia, and that is illegal. They didn’t push things along to help him die. He was going on and on about how this never could have happened. To me – even if it wasn’t reality – did he have to go into this with me?? I just finally looked at him and basically told him that I was there, and I watched them do this. I answered all the questions about, “Are you sure” type things. I know what happened. LOL I live it! Then he goes on to tell me that since my father smoked in his youth – that is what caused this. I told him that this was one of the first questions we asked the doctor when he was first diagnosed. They told us it had not baring on his condition. They didn’t know what caused the condition. It is just one of those mysteries I guess. He laughed at me, and told me again I didn’t know what I was talking about - That they only told me that to make me feel better. Of course that is WHY he got sick! I never asked the question myself. My mother asked when he first got sick. But again I felt that why is he saying this. What difference does it make NOW?? I basically dropped it.
I guess I just got caught up in all the little things he said, or did or didn’t do those few days. He left me alone for the most part. He didn’t speak to me most of the time. I remember twice he did ask how I was doing. I remember calling him after my father died, and he said to me, “That was FAST! The kids are coming home now I will let them know.” That was all he offered. I called friends after that and at least they spoke to me. I remember coming home and stopping in town to speak with some of my friends. I wasn’t ready to come home. He called on my cell home to ask, “What are you going to do for dinner?” “I’m not cooking today.” “Oh. Okay. Can you pick up something on your way home?” After a while I decided he just didn’t know what to offer I guess. He just didn’t have it within him.
At the funeral again he left me pretty much alone. Some people came to me and told me that they had no idea what a HUGE volunteer for causes my father was! My husband told them that I had taken that place for him. He then listed all the volunteer things he could remember me being involved with. LOL yes it is a family thing I guess! Those people that were talking were involved with certain projects with my father, but never realized how much more he did. Even when sick and dragging his tank around with him. My husband seems to think my volunteer work at times is just a waste of my time. I told him he has his hobbies and I have mine. I reminded him that I wouldn’t get any thrills off sitting in a tree stand waiting on a deer either! LOL! For the most part he leaves me alone on that subject. I know he doesn’t like it, but I feel I need to do this. I think it is a good example for my children, and they enjoy getting involved with what they can also. I do feel very strongly on volunteering your time with church, and community activities also. That had been my life for as long as I can remember. I think he just accepted this after a while.
Anyway, my point was his comments to my friends there at the funeral. They had asked him how “I” really was! Was I really holding up well during all of this! I guess he told them I was doing fine because they didn’t comment on that section. My husband went on to tell them that he and I had this HUGE discussion during the final day. “WE” had decided that it was time he let go. “WE” had decided to inform the staff at the hospital to speed things along (as he put it). He was going on and on about all these decisions we had talked about and made during this time. As they were telling me this I guess I was looking at them funny. They finally stopped talking, and I said, “But he wasn’t even there! He wasn’t even at the hospital! He never even called!” I guess I should have kept my mouth shut, but I was so stunned about this “JOINT” decision we made. Just days before he told me that never could have happened, and now he was telling people it did – and on top of that he was part of that decision. My friends looked at me and said, “That is where we were confused. We thought you had mentioned that he wasn’t even there.”
To me honest I don’t know what to think about this. I mean he basically re-wrote history. LOL! He didn’t just tell one person this either. He told a number of them. Then I have these people coming up to me and asking me about it. They were confused also by his statements. I know he will either deny he said it, or he will say it was better to mention it that way. I just thought it was odd. My mother is going around during the funeral stating to people that she felt sorry for me because I was afraid Dad was going to die with me all by myself. That I was so relieved that they showed up when they did less than hour before he died. Then you have my husband telling people that it was a “joint” family decision between him and me. I don’t know. I just feel very uncomfortable with this.
I started a comment section on this blog. You love you to hear from you…
http://forums.crosswalk.com/m_436232/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#436232
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h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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I don't remember. - 9/5/2005 10:41:02 PM
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hnt
Posts: 689
Joined: 4/11/2005
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I was curious if my brother in law actually called my husband the day Dad died. He said he would, but I truly wonder if he did. I was going to let it go, and not even ask about it. I mean what difference does it make now.
It was strange and I don't remember HOW the conversation came up. I think it was him complaining about how his brother didn't follow thur on something. "Did he ever call you the day Dad died? I mean at work to tell you?" "Why didn't you call?" "To be honest my mind wasn't with me when the hospital called, and I thought I had placed your number in my new cell phone but I guess I didn't." "You should have never called him - you know that!" "He asked me for the number, and I told him I had left it at home. I told him that your receptionst at work isn't very nice when I have called what 3 times in 17 years! LOL! I just couldn't handle her, and I asked your brother to call you. Did he?" "Did he what?" "Did he call you to tell you?" "Tell me what?" "(sigh) THAT DAD was going to die!" "I don't remember. You shouldn't have asked him to call." "You don't remember?!?!" "I don't remember."
I dropped it at that point. I didn't want to go any further. Its hard to believe that he can't remember if he got that call. LOL I think I would remember if someone called to tell me that he was on the way to the hospital to say goodbye to his father. I mean I think MOST people would remember that esp when it is their spouse's parent!
I guess I really got my answer. I didn't get mad or angry - I just dropped it. I'm not sure what to feel anymore at times. I know I should be madder than a hornet at one of them! I know for myself as a person no matter what I felt about him at the time I know I would drop everything to be with him during this time. I guess I should be able to tell how much he really cares when he called me on the way home from the hospital to ask me what I was doing about dinner. Again I was soooo drained I didn't want to remind him that it would be nice if he took care of it for goodness sakes!!
I spoke with my mother on the phone for hours last night. We actually re-lived the day he died. I told her I really thought she would be mad at me for the decisions I made in her absense. I told her I didn't think she would be mad forever, but you never know how people are going to react when things come down. She told me that I did everything right. I think I needed to hear that. It has been bothering me since he died.
I feel so lost in my feelings right now. I'm sure I'm justified, or I need to let it go - or if I have a right to be slightly irked over the whole thing. I guess I feel since I have accepted him for what he is - and what he can't give, etc makes me question if I have the right to be angry. I mean how can you be angry at person that doesn't have it to give. I guess I could tell myself that he at least gave a college try. I know that would be lie. I feel that in my gut. He tells me on occasion that I have moved away from him. That I'm just not there anymore. I have tried for more 15 years to give everything, and I never got anything that I expected in return. The death of my father is the same. I never got, "I'm sorry." I did get two, "How are you holding up?" I never really got held, or permission to cry. I got questioned about my reality of that night, and told that I didn't know what I expereinced. I was told that his smoking in his youth is what killed him. It didn't matter that the doctor's disagreed. I got wried looks and questions from people at the funeral (afterwards that is) about his statements. I think I should have handled that better. LOL!
That "I don't remember." really bugs me. I guess I need to let it go.
I started a comment section on this blog. You love you to hear from you…
http://forums.crosswalk.com/m_436232/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#436232
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h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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Festival - 9/11/2005 10:13:58 PM
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hnt
Posts: 689
Joined: 4/11/2005
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I have been so busy these last few weeks. Getting my mother back on track, and attempting to handle my responsibilities for a festival we have here every year.
I bring in over 250+ volunteers with help of a fellow chamber member, and a lady from the other group that does the festival with us. I'm behind because of the death of my father. LOL Seem to be behind with everything recently! Normally this time of year I have about 10 empty spots left to fill, but this year it is closer to 30+. I have less than a week to fill them. OUCH! The lady that does this with me as been VERY behind also. I'm not sure why. Members of the other group have been calling me stating that their people are not getting called. Sigh......I have tried to make their calls as well. My chamber member hasn't done much either as far as calls. I guess you could call this overwhelmed right now. Everyone is being nice about it, but keep telling me I need to push the other two harder. Right now in my life I really just don't have that within me to give.
It will be exciting this year, and the kids are getting more and more excited as the days grow sooner. Our treasurer always places free carival wristbands aside for them. It allows them unlimited rides, and they are in 7th heaven when that happens! LOL!
We raise money for scholarships from funds of the festival. This will be my 6th year doing this. After next year I think I will move on. It is so energy draining. But it sure is worth the war in a way. Knowing someone is going to college that may not have been able to. That is to neat!
The kids and my husband are just letting me go. This know that the week before the festival - the weekend of the festival is just plain nuts around our house. The tired feeling from Dad's funeral hasn't really left yet. I think that will pass afterwards.
I started a comment section on this blog. You love you to hear from you…
http://forums.crosswalk.com/m_436232/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#436232
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h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: Festival - 9/12/2005 10:36:42 PM
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hnt
Posts: 689
Joined: 4/11/2005
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What a DAY!!
I had asked my daughter’s new teacher about the calendar we had always had in the past, and he said she only has an assignment book (this was last week). I can’t understand her assignment book, and he has explained little things here and there. Come to find out today she DOES have a calendar also, and HUGE science test tomorrow! I’m pretty sure she will be failing that one! It takes a lot of her to get ready for a test, and one night isn’t going to do it! I’m so frustrated! I asked her this weekend also, and she told me nothing big was coming. I’m mad at her, the teacher, and my husband for not even offering to help! SURE he offers screams and hollers but that is NOT what I needed right then! He photocopies she calendar and tells me that I need to keep it in my car to check her backpack before we leave school. Excuse me – I don’t need a copy! LOL! I think I can figure that one out if someone would TELL me to begin with! I didn’t say anything – it wasn’t worth the war! She was dragging her feet all thru studying, and when I went to handle stuff with my son, dinner, and phone calls – she decides to everything BUT the science! She kept going to do work that was due on Thursday! Can we say MADDENING!
My son decides to forget his reading book at school. He normally does such a great job of getting his stuff together. I was very disappointed in him. He did that twice last week also. I have been so overwhelmed trying to get the clarity of her work from her teacher during school dismissal – while my son and the two car pool kids take off towards the playground. Totally blowing me off when I screamed! I got them back in the car, and they again try to sneak out. I nailed them right away! My son tries to tell me that he doesn’t have any more homework. Well guess what?? HA! I know better! After I told him to start studying his spelling and bible verse he was trying to off playing. He got to clean the bathroom downstairs instead. I told him maybe he would remember his reading tomorrow! I just feel lately like I am pulled in about 10 different directions, and I’m screwing up everything!
I got McDonalds for dinner, and then tried to get the kitchen back in order while waiting on my daughter to finish her pages. The phone is ringing off the wall. My husband decided to change insurance carriers, and I had dropped off the paperwork at their office this morning. I told them please don’t give me any details or ask any questions of me! Call my husband after 4pm, and let him handle it. I guess they asked about my grandmother’s ring that I wear. There is no appraisal on it yet. He told me last night about 7pm that I may need it. The insurance is due in two days and waits till now to tell me. I figured I would get that afterwards – no time now! “I told you need an appraisal on that ring! I GUESS YOU DON’T WANT IT ON THE POLICY THEN!” “Excuse me K! You asked me last night after hours, and you want me to have that in your hands in less than 12 hours – when you have KNOWN I needed this for weeks! Don’t even go there!” All of a sudden he realizes I am right and cools off. He comes down and asks me to do a couple of things for the policy, and I just looked at him…lol! I mean HELLO I have two kids doing homework, and he is watching TV. I told him there is NO WAY I can do anything else!
The phone is ringing off the wall about the festival as well. I finally get things under control, and I realize I need to go outside at least for 5 minutes or I will BLOW! I do that and again my daughter decides to do Thursday homework instead of the science. Talk about wanting to ring someone’s neck! My final phone call that I received for the evening was from the other lady that is handling volunteers for her organization. She tells me that she only has 4 calls left to make, and she has done everything she can. She overbooked one shift last night to accommodate someone, and wanted to know if I felt it was all right to do it again on another shift. I reminded her that we need 40 people elsewhere! There was no talking to her. I am about 70 people ahead of her as it is, and she normally can keep up with me. I had two people call and cancel today, and as I look at the schedule there are small holes here and there. I figure the small holes can stay that way, but the big ones MUST be filled! People from the other organization are calling me to ask how their lady is doing. LOL Why they are calling me I don’t know! I ended up calling a lot of their people as well just to fill some holes. The first year we did the festival I wasn’t handling the volunteers. The person in charge on our side really screwed it up, and we were so behind it wasn’t even funny! Their people had to make up the difference during the festival, and were NOT happy about it! We ended up giving them a bigger cut of the profits due to the problems. I’m sure that is what is going thru their minds right now. I told my side that is the LAST thing I’m worried about – I just want them filled!
I just shipped out a lot of engraving yesterday, and I have to do about 84 trophies tomorrow! Sigh…..I wonder if I will get everything done by Thursday setup! The major newspaper in our area just ran a story about our festival – saying it is the biggest one in our area of its kind. We do an Oktoberfest here. We just got calls that bus loads of people from three different states are coming, and needed hotel information. The weather looks like it will be EXCELLENT! I have this feeling we are going to get nailed BIG TIME! Last year was HUGE – bigger than we expected. I can only imagine what is going to happen this year.
I guess I should try to mellow out now, and attempt to get some sleep! LOL!
I started a comment section on this blog. You love you to hear from you…
http://forums.crosswalk.com/m_436232/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#436232
_____________________________
h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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