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Romantic feelings for a female colleague at work - 5/16/2008 2:13:15 PM
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jeremiahtor
Posts: 2
Joined: 5/16/2008
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Guys, I really need some advice and prayers. I'm 54 and happily married. My wife and I met later in life (we've been married for 15 years) – she is a truly spiritual woman, and that's what brought us together and has formed the foundation of our marriage. I cherish her and believe that God has brought us together; I also believe in the holiness of marriage.
My problem is this: a week ago, at an offsite company conference, I met a young woman (I'm guessing that she's about 20 years younger than me). We had a few brief conversations, but I realized after the first day that I was developing strong feelings for her. By the end of the second day, my heart was pounding and my gut ached. When she would smile at me I could feel my heart doing flipflops. I felt extremely happy and also an aching inside. I feel really stupid even writing this because it's totally irrational. If it were just a sexual attraction, I'd know how to deal with it, but it's my heart that's the problem, not that other organ. These are intensely romantic feelings; she has become someone very special to me—even though I barely know her! I haven't felt this way for over 25 years, and I've never felt this intensely about someone so quickly. It doesn't make any sense.
I may not be able to make these feelings go away, but I can choose not to act on them. (I'm not responsible for unwanted feelings, but I am responsible for my behavior). Acknowledging them is healthy, but I don't have to do anything about it. I know all this (at least in my head).
She has suggested that I stop by her office if I'm "in the neighborhood" or that we get together for lunch. I'm assuming that she is just being friendly. I would welcome a friendship with her (she seems like a nice person, and I'm friends with other women at work), so I will probably follow up on this. I am not looking for an affair, and I am not vain enough to think that she would fall in love with me anyway. Her husband is a physician and she has a daughter. They will be moving to Paris in six months, so there's a natural endpoint to all of this.
It seems that I only have a few choices:
1) Stay away from her. This is probably the most obvious, but painful. And it just doesn't seem right. It seems that staying away just makes her more of a fantasy. I'd like to know more about the person who is causing these feelings.
2) Get together once in a while and see if a friendship develops. If so, that's nice. If not, that will bring some reality to the situation. Interacting with her as a real person instead of as a fantasy should cause these irrational feelings to fade.
3) Talk to her about this. I don't think this is a good idea, at least not until (if) we build some kind of trust relationship.
No matter which option I take, I think that I'll end up feeling hurt and rejected in the end—totally irrational, I know. But "the heart wants what it wants."
At any rate, I'll continue to pray about this. But where the heck did these feelings come from? Why her? Why now?
I'd appreciate any insights/advice you could give me.
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RE: Romantic feelings for a female colleague at work - 5/16/2008 2:35:25 PM
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freakofnature
Posts: 564
Joined: 1/17/2008
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I would say stay away from this young lady and focus more intently on your wife. if this young lady takes offense to it, all the better she is leaving for France in 6 mos. Now is a time to be buying flowers for your wife, take her to the movies and really focus on what it is that draws your attention to her. "The heart wants what the heart wants" is a line in a movie and nothing more. Good luck and God Bless.
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RE: Romantic feelings for a female colleague at work - 5/16/2008 2:51:55 PM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 315
Joined: 6/15/2006
From: So Cal
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I'll take option 1 for 1000 please. Which do you prefer? Some pain now or a lot of devastation later (not to mention the destruction of your marriage for nothing)? I imagine it's flattering to have someone 20 years your junior take some sort of interest in you but you know you are playing with fire and that's why you wrote sent this e-mail. If you play with fire, you will end up getting burnt and you'll bring your wife and family down with you. There's absolutely no upside to jumping on a train when you know that train is headed for a collision. You'd be ready to give up "happily married" to pursue a brief fantasy? Anybody who would be willing to do this to her family and have you do that to your family sounds more like a nightmare.
_____________________________
Live each day as though it were your last for one day you will be right.
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RE: Romantic feelings for a female colleague at work - 5/16/2008 4:10:23 PM
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Konstantinos
Posts: 8509
Joined: 4/14/2005
From: Greece Thessaloniki
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i used to have a crush on a married woman. i ignored the feelings, it hurt a bit, who cares. i'd rather be loyal and right and be hurt.
honestly if i was in your place(married and with a girl i had a crush on) i'd see it as an opportunity to prove to myself that im loyal, that i wont mess up.
_____________________________
I'm best friends with the boogie man.
I'm a beast.
I'm a HH.
Tiger hug.
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RE: Romantic feelings for a female colleague at work - 5/16/2008 5:16:59 PM
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jeremiahtor
Posts: 2
Joined: 5/16/2008
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I appreciate all of you taking the time to reply. You're giving me good, and consistent, advice.
I'm still baffled as to what caused this. I can understand developing a crush on someone you've known for a while--but this was just out of the blue, like catching a disease.
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RE: Romantic feelings for a female colleague at work - 5/16/2008 5:40:07 PM
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Konstantinos
Posts: 8509
Joined: 4/14/2005
From: Greece Thessaloniki
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feminine?
understanding?
smart?
_____________________________
I'm best friends with the boogie man.
I'm a beast.
I'm a HH.
Tiger hug.
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RE: Romantic feelings for a female colleague at work - 5/16/2008 5:46:57 PM
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StephenJ
Posts: 120
Joined: 12/3/2007
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Well Beside the obvious issues of loyalty to your wife and family think about this? What if you become involved with this woman and it doesn't work out? How would you feel about seeing her at work all the time?
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Rock on!
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RE: Romantic feelings for a female colleague at work - 5/16/2008 8:27:31 PM
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mrtigger
Posts: 308
Joined: 4/12/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jeremiahtor
I appreciate all of you taking the time to reply. You're giving me good, and consistent, advice.
I'm still baffled as to what caused this. I can understand developing a crush on someone you've known for a while--but this was just out of the blue, like catching a disease.
Been there done that. Some years ago on a forum, I wrote something almost just like what you have written. My issue ended badly, but not as bad as it could have been. So, please listen to me as I've been in the same place as you are...
I did not understand why feelings existed. Like you, I barely knew the woman. I chatted with her now and then but all totaled, I had spent only maybe an hour or two talking to her. She was kind of cute but not exceptionally attractive. It was an emotional thing. At times, I did feel like she was flirting but I really could not figure her out.
No good reason for it but she had a big effect on me and the feelings were very strong. Later I figured some of it out but I probably will never fully understand why it happened.
I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what to do about it. I endlessly debated whether to leave, stay & endure it, talk to her and straighten it out, etc. Like you I even thought for a while that I could turn it into a friendship and diminish it that way. The situation seems like something that should be fixable but in retrospect, I don't think any way out of it is free of pain or loss of some kind. It's a "pick the least bad" kind of situation.
I think if I had talked to her early and set some boundaries, that might have worked. The perception of her flirting was a big part of what was feeding my feelings. It would have helped me a lot to be able to clear the air early in that regard.
This woman is 20 years younger than you. Because of the age difference I say it is very unlikely that woman is intending anything other than friendliness with you. I hope that helps a little. My own problem was a only few years younger than me.
I wouldn't recommend talking to her about it. Its a sensitive issue and a discussion of it can get really hot & hostile very quickly. Maybe a discussion can work in some situations with some women but I think it is more likely that a discussion of it will turn out bad.
In retrospect, I should have just left the situation. It was not as big a deal for me as it was at church, not at my job. If there is a way you can leave that job, or somehow arrange it that you are not around her, I think that is the best thing to do. It does not seem satisfactory to leave but I think it is the best solution for that situation. A job is a lot tougher to leave than a church though.
I tried to stay. I liked the church & my wife liked the church & the group and I wanted to stay. So I decided to just tough it out and work on killing the crush. I thought I could but instead the feelings got stronger over the next few months.
I did not tell my wife initially. That was another mistake. I felt I could kill the crush and she would not ever have to know of it or be hurt by it. But it did not take long for her to sense that something was wrong and start asking questions. Then, I still hoped to kill it off and denied anything was a problem. Maybe if I had actually been able to kill the crush without my wife sensing anything, maybe it would have been best to leave it never said. But for sure, as soon as she sensed it, I should have fessed up about it to her. Keeping it from her magnified my stress level and added to her hurt when I eventually did fess up. So, that was another mistake on my part.
So, I think you should talk to your wife about what is going on. ( I'm assuming you haven't already). I think you should first talk to a pastor and/or a counseler though and get their opinion on it. It will be touchy.
I never did figure my feelings out entirely but they existed because she was feeding something that I needed emotionally. At the time, I was in an emotional funk and feeling a bit distant from my wife. Although my wife was trying, I did not feel appreciated or like I was a good husband. This had lingered for some years and I think I had one foot out of my marriage at that point. I was having a mid-life funk and it turned into a depression. This womans attention made me feel better, at least for a while. I got addicted to it. At that point, I started cold shouldering her but it was too late. I was addicted to the fantasy of her and it lived on in my head.
So, I guess this woman feeds you something that you feel you need. Your wife should be feeding that need instead. Figure out what it is and fix it. That is easier said than done though. In the midst of it, I had no good understanding of why it was happening. It wasn't until later I was able to sort things out and understand what was driving it. But that's what you have to do. Counselers can help somewhat with that.
Do not underestimate how serious this kind of situation is. Some marriages wind up ending because of these kind of things.
I will say there is hope. My wife & I had some difficult times but we worked through it. The problem forced me and my wife to work on the issues and my marriage is better now for it.
I'm sorry I've rambled... I still have a lot of emotions from that time.
I wish you well. I don't pray very much so I won't say I will pray but I hope you will keep us posted here on how it is going...
_____________________________
mr tigger
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RE: Romantic feelings for a female colleague at work - 5/16/2008 11:26:23 PM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 315
Joined: 6/15/2006
From: So Cal
Status: offline
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quote:
I'm still baffled as to what caused this. I can understand developing a crush on someone you've known for a while--but this was just out of the blue, like catching a disease.
It doesn't matter why or how the feelings got so intense...you are under spiritual attack from the evil one and you need to flee that temptation instead of sitting there trying to analyze it. IF a pitbull started running toward you, you would run like it's nobody's business. You wouldn't sit trying to think about why you feel the way you do towards the pitbull would you? This attack is an assault on your very soul (remember what Proverbs says about this type of sin).
quote:
These are intensely romantic feelings; she has become someone very special to me—even though I barely know her! I haven't felt this way for over 25 years, and I've never felt this intensely about someone so quickly. It doesn't make any sense.
She is not special to you because you don't even know her. Your mind has filled in all the blanks about her with fantasies from your own imagination. Anyone could seem attractive from a distance but once you get into that relationship and really get to know a person, it's a different story. Your wife has seen the worse of you and she has stood by your side all these years. She doesn't deserve you taking attention away from her to fantasize about some broad that stroked your ego.
_____________________________
Live each day as though it were your last for one day you will be right.
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RE: Romantic feelings for a female colleague at work - 5/17/2008 7:49:18 PM
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YZGUY
Posts: 221
Joined: 3/9/2008
Status: offline
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Option 1. Hands down. There have been several times in my life (in marriage) when I had a "chemistry issue" with other women. Two to be exact. I could not understand it either - but something clicked - humor, attraction, etc. There was nothing wrong in my marriage either time. In my opinion, I think this is normal. However, not a good place to teeter.
What I did is I told my pastor and asked him to keep me accountable (He, by the way, said this has happened to him as well). It was amazing. After I told my pastor, I felt free from that attraction (well, mostly - the intensity definitely subsided). I did not pursue any relationship and focused on "the wife of my youth." So, personal accountability is the key. That, & distance.
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RE: Romantic feelings for a female colleague at work - 5/31/2008 8:37:13 AM
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windlover44
Posts: 6
Joined: 5/4/2008
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Within the first two years of my marriage with my wife, some issues arose in my personal life that distanced me from others. this was not a good situation. I thought I was doing some things right, but they were right.
I was enrolled in a school where I met a young lady that was somehow also going to my church and she was newly saved. I started feeling attracted to her. But God showed me the feelings were related more to her need. I was afraid because of some feelings I had developed that if I hadn't removed myself from the situation I would sin. I also told my wife about it so it wouldn't become a problem. I told her from the standpoint that I wanted her and I to pray together more and keep our relationship focused. Now I believe God can do this for anyone. It is a matter of priority. At that time I had a total mess of relationship issues...it wasn't my wife's fault. Proverbs says "beauty is fleeting...and also deals with adultery..." Read the Word...it truly is alive if we let him live in us...and stay here and keep asking for prayer. God is your judge, and when we stand before him, we must all give an account of our actions.
I think you should take time to reflect on HIS goodness, and really pray.
You talked about what you thought you would do. Have you truly sought HIM on what HE wants you to do??? "OUR Father, who art in Heaven, HALLOWED BE THY NAME, THY KINGDOM COME, THY WILL BE DONE, ON EARTH AS IT IS IN IN HEAVEN..."
Jesus will always shine in and for us if we let HIM...he says and promises he will "in no wise cast out him who comes to HIM..."
May God give you strength, and wisdom, and make you a renewed and loving man in your marriage.
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