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SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/27/2009 6:32:04 PM
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chrisra
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Joined: 10/27/2009
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cheated on my wife about 2 years in to the marriage. I did tell her what I did because I felt she should know. I caused her so much pain that I thought she would be psysically sick.
Well, years have passed by and everything is great between us but I chave cheate again. I feel really bad for what I did and I have repented. I'm scared to tell my wife because I feel it will hurt her to the point of sickness. I know that I wont cheat again but I am wondering should I tell her what I did. I really beleive if she finds out, this can be the end of our marriage. Can anyone help me?
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/27/2009 6:34:43 PM
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dnp200450
Posts: 398
Joined: 5/30/2009
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Absolutely not! It would only hurt her and make her distrust you.
< Message edited by dnp200450 -- 10/27/2009 6:41:07 PM >
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/27/2009 6:40:10 PM
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Child4Jesus
Posts: 426
Joined: 5/24/2005
From: Long Island, Nassau, Elmont, NY
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quote:
ORIGINAL: chrisra
cheated on my wife about 2 years in to the marriage. I did tell her what I did because I felt she should know. I caused her so much pain that I thought she would be physically sick. Well, years have passed by and everything is great between us but I have cheated again. I feel really bad for what I did and I have repented. I'm scared to tell my wife because I feel it will hurt her to the point of sickness. I know that I won't cheat again but I am wondering should I tell her what I did. I really believe if she finds out, this can be the end of our marriage. Can anyone help me?
I don't mean to beat up on you but what makes you think you won't do it again? What has changed in you? I ask these questions because you cheated before and probably told yourself you would not do it again. Then you did do it again. You need to take yourself out of the situations that lead you to cheat. You need to end any sort of relationship with the person you are committing adultery with.
Does this person know you are married? Are you a Christian? Is the other person a Christian? Is your wife a Christian?
Yes you do need to tell your wife. Asap. You don't want her to find out on her own down the line. Or you guys are arguing and you say it to hurt her. Or the woman shows up pregnant at your door.
_____________________________
In Christ,
Richad
The greatest heresy to American Christianity is that if you ask Jesus to come into your heart, he definitely will.
Paul Washer
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/27/2009 6:55:52 PM
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creationtalk
Posts: 475
Joined: 6/9/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: dnp200450
Absolutely not! It would only hurt her and make her distrust you.
While it is true that telling your wife will hurt her and may make her distrust you, I agree that
quote:
ORIGINAL: Child4Jesus
Yes you do need to tell your wife. Asap. You don't want her to find out on her own down the line. Or you guys are arguing and you say it to hurt her. Or the woman shows up pregnant at your door.
You have cheated twice. This most recent time you say it was when things were good between you...you are not worthy of your wife's trust.
You may be right that if you tell your wife your marriage will be over. You should have thought of that BEFORE.
I suggest that you make a plan for how you will keep from cheating again--that means coming up with an accountability system that will put a check on you if you are ever in the situation that led to cheating. You need to figure out what led to cheating and do every thing in your power to stay out of that type of situation. You also need to have yourself checked for s-xually transmitted diseases; this may require a period of abstinence for the incubation period of some of these diseases to make sure you don't infect your wife should you have one of these diseases...and if there is a chance that you have already infected her, she needs to know and be tested as well. Counseling, both with and without your wife might also be inorder.
When you tell her, ask your wife what you can do to make her feel secure in the marriage...and be prepared to do it, no matter how difficult it might be for you.
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/27/2009 6:56:51 PM
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CMT8808
Posts: 248
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I agree with Christ4Jesus~ You should tell your wife and figure out why you have become a repeat offender.
You are very lucky that you have your wife for forgiving you for the first offense, had it been me, I would have see ya wouldn't want to be ya, seriously.
I have no tolerance for it whatsoever. What God intended to be between you and your wife and God included to make one flesh you defiled by including another.
You are not thinking of the spiritual consequences just your fleshly desires, so look again brother.
Tell your wife and pray hard that she will forgive you again. If she separates for a time do not be discouraged, but get help so you do not relapse again.
I said a prayer for you,
CMT
ps: I hope my post doesn't sound harsh, but you really need to think of the consequences.
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formerly Delete 123
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/27/2009 7:08:22 PM
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Child4Jesus
Posts: 426
Joined: 5/24/2005
From: Long Island, Nassau, Elmont, NY
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I didn't think about the STD's thing. Please get yourself tested. Please don't just really on the word of the woman you cheated with. It would be absolutely awful if you give your wife an STD. Also be prepared to face the consequences of your actions. It may not turn out the way you wish.
_____________________________
In Christ,
Richad
The greatest heresy to American Christianity is that if you ask Jesus to come into your heart, he definitely will.
Paul Washer
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/27/2009 7:08:57 PM
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APZR
Posts: 1053
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From: GA
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Yes you should tell her. She needs to know so she can set an appointment with her own doctor to check for STD's. You are showing a pattern of behavior, and it probably will destroy your marriage. But, that's a consequence for making a conscious decision to drop the trousers.
< Message edited by APZR -- 10/27/2009 7:37:27 PM >
_____________________________
Ya can't keep trouble from visitin, but you don't have to offer it a chair.
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/27/2009 8:33:32 PM
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Anon101
Posts: 181
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The truth will come out some how some way. It always does. You can choose to tell her or have her find out some other way. I don't think you come out and blurt it out but you have to get this off your shoulders, too. Knowing this is going to eat you up from the inside everytime you look at your wife, knowing she has no clue. You'll try to hide it but without you knowing it she'll notice something different in your behavior. It subconcious behavior we can't control. Do you have a pastor? Talk with him. Then maybe the three of you can talk.
You can't say you'll never do it again if you don't take steps to ensure you never do it again. I'm sure you said you'd never do it again after the first time.
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SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/27/2009 8:36:55 PM
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PinkCarnations
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What would be your reason for telling her?
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Thank you Veterans.
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/27/2009 9:24:21 PM
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jhuperetes
Posts: 472
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What would be the reason NOT telling her?
You are a bigger fool than you think, if you believe you "will not do it again".
What are you doing so this never happens again? What safeguards are you putting in place? What hedges are you planting?
Have you scheduled your first sessions with a trusted counselor that you are going to go to weekly until s/he feels this is under control?
Do you have accountability partners so when you are weak you can call them and ask for their help?
Have the plans in place.
Then, tell her, and share the things you are doing to prevent it to happen again.
Yes, she may leave you. There are always consequences to our actions.
quote:
ORIGINAL: chrisra
cheated on my wife about 2 years in to the marriage. I did tell her what I did because I felt she should know. I caused her so much pain that I thought she would be psysically sick.
Well, years have passed by and everything is great between us but I chave cheate again. I feel really bad for what I did and I have repented. I'm scared to tell my wife because I feel it will hurt her to the point of sickness. I know that I wont cheat again but I am wondering should I tell her what I did. I really beleive if she finds out, this can be the end of our marriage. Can anyone help me?
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SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/27/2009 9:32:04 PM
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PinkCarnations
Posts: 10816
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jhuperetes
What would be the reason NOT telling her?
Well, he questions whether or not he should tell her. Why does he feel that way. It may seem clear-cut that he should tell her. However, there is at least one wrong reason to tell her.
_____________________________
Thank you Veterans.
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/27/2009 9:41:11 PM
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bolt.
Posts: 1759
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
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Yes, but in a counsellor's office.
Make an appointment, and ask her to come with you to a marriage counselling session. (Tell the counsellor that you intend to reveal your recent adultery to your wife in the session, so that she can have the support she needs.) Make up a pretext to get her to come if you have to, or just be vague about it. Then sit down, spill the beans, and ask if she wants you to stay for the sesson or go.
Be prepared for her to ask for a separation. Take it calmly, then work your backside off to win her heart and her trust back -- whatever it takes.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/27/2009 10:52:49 PM
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keithyhuntington
Posts: 814
Joined: 7/7/2009
From: Tulsa, Okla.
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quote:
ORIGINAL: bolt.
Make an appointment, and ask her to come with you to a marriage counselling session. (Tell the counsellor that you intend to reveal your recent adultery to your wife in the session, so that she can have the support she needs.) Make up a pretext to get her to come if you have to, or just be vague about it. Then sit down, spill the beans, and ask if she wants you to stay for the sesson or go.
shoot, might as well take her on Maury. if my wife took my to a councilor to spill these beans, i would feel liek complete smut. 1)for the counsilor knowing beofre me, and 2)for my wife giving our situation an audience (the therapist) i'd say do it between closed doors, but thats me
(edit to fix boxes)
< Message edited by keithyhuntington -- 10/27/2009 11:04:07 PM >
_____________________________
Jesus Christ please help me 'cause i'm lonely. Whats the use in living, if you can't make a good living?
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/27/2009 11:50:34 PM
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bolt.
Posts: 1759
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From: Canada
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To each their own... Perhaps to make the appointment then tell her alone shortly before hand, and offer the choice to go with her or drop her off?
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/27/2009 11:51:27 PM
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PinkCarnations
Posts: 10816
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: bolt.
Yes, but in a counsellor's office.
Make an appointment, and ask her to come with you to a marriage counselling session. (Tell the counsellor that you intend to reveal your recent adultery to your wife in the session, so that she can have the support she needs.) Make up a pretext to get her to come if you have to, or just be vague about it. Then sit down, spill the beans, and ask if she wants you to stay for the sesson or go.
Be prepared for her to ask for a separation. Take it calmly, then work your backside off to win her heart and her trust back -- whatever it takes.
I agree.
quote:
ORIGINAL: jhuperetes
I see. I interpreted the questions as rhetorical.
I'll stand down for now. 
Why would you stand down? Sometimes spouses just want to hurt each other and that is the only (or major) reason for wanting to tell about adultery. If that isn't the case here, then I think he should tell her. However, if he feels the need to emotionally hurt her in some way, then telling her may not be the best idea.
_____________________________
Thank you Veterans.
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 12:31:36 AM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 538
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: online
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quote:
cheated on my wife about 2 years in to the marriage. I did tell her what I did because I felt she should know. I caused her so much pain that I thought she would be psysically sick.
Well, years have passed by and everything is great between us but I chave cheate again. I feel really bad for what I did and I have repented. I'm scared to tell my wife because I feel it will hurt her to the point of sickness. I know that I wont cheat again but I am wondering should I tell her what I did. I really beleive if she finds out, this can be the end of our marriage.
*You made the decision to step out on your wife, you made the decision to be intimate with another person. You made decisions that are destructive to your marriage and perhaps even to your own health (and to your wife's health.)
You say it won't happen again... gee, your record doesn't stand up to that statement too well.
I don't know what your wife will do... but the longer you hold off telling her that you cheated will only make her more furious and if she does want out of the marriage--- You made it possible for her to seek a divorce or separation.
< Message edited by jaimestarcross -- 10/28/2009 12:38:25 AM >
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 12:59:44 AM
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michele_erin
Posts: 103
Joined: 5/8/2006
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From a woman's point of view -- you should tell her. Women know when something is amiss in their marriage- - they may not know what, but they sense it. It tears you up the guessing of what it is if the spouse is not forthcoming.
Absolutely she should know so she can make a decision to get tested for STDs, and make the decision whether to continue in this marriage, continue in sexual relations with you, etc.
As far as it hurting her, you should have thought of that before you did it. You don't just accidentally have sex with another person.
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 1:11:57 AM
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keithyhuntington
Posts: 814
Joined: 7/7/2009
From: Tulsa, Okla.
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quote:
ORIGINAL: michele_erin
As far as it hurting her, you should have thought of that before you did it. You don't just accidentally have sex with another person.
burn.
_____________________________
Jesus Christ please help me 'cause i'm lonely. Whats the use in living, if you can't make a good living?
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 1:15:07 AM
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Bagel
Posts: 106
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From: Oregon
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You need to tell her before the Lord does it for you. There's a verse that says "Be sure your sin will find you out" and another that indicates that sinful things done in secret will be revealed. It's best to tell her yourself, and prepare for the consequences. Keeping it a secret will eat at your for the rest of your life, and as michele-erin said, women know when something is wrong. It'll hurt her and there is a long road of recovery ahead and decisions that she will need to make.
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Bagel Lisa
check out my blog at http://bagelslifehomeschool.blogspot.com/
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 6:24:17 AM
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Anon101
Posts: 181
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I reread this post and saw the post on STDs.
You HAVE to tell your wife. Statisically, 1 out of 5 people have the HPV (Human papillomavirus). Many do not know about it because there are more than 100 different strains or types. More than 30 of these viruses can lead to cervical cancer in women. Most of the strains do not show up upon visual inspection so people don't know they have it until they are tested.
THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU ANYMORE! You have to tell her if you love her.
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 6:42:53 AM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1466
Joined: 3/13/2009
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Yes you definately need to tell her. yes she will be devastated and yes you may well loose her, but really what did you expect?. You can't be trusted. If she were me I would have left you the first time, but she chose to stay. There can be no room for secrecy and deception in a marriage and you will have to live with the consequenses.
You have done it twice now, the chances that you will do it again are quite strong.
Tell her and allow her to make the decision. She may not be able to trust you again, but that is for her to decide.
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 6:59:45 AM
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dershuh
Posts: 23
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As someone who has committed adultery and repented I bellieve YOU MUST TELL. I agree with most of the contributors that you must find out what is your motivation to committ this terrible sin. There are two sides to each story, but your "repeat" offense is terrible. You need to get into counselling. As an aside, a couple of contributors don't seem very forgiving. On a Christian forum we should act in a Christian manner. Christ forgave the woman caught in adultery. However, Christ also said...and "sin no more"...You must truly repent and get help.
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 7:32:44 AM
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jhuperetes
Posts: 472
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Stand down, as in halt offensive.
When the target is not clear, it is better to wait then to expose position by rushing to act, yet still fail.
i.e. I would like to hear OPs responses to the myriad of questions.
quote:
ORIGINAL: PinkCarnations
Why would you stand down? Sometimes spouses just want to hurt each other and that is the only (or major) reason for wanting to tell about adultery. If that isn't the case here, then I think he should tell her. However, if he feels the need to emotionally hurt her in some way, then telling her may not be the best idea.
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 7:39:00 AM
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minimoe59
Posts: 21
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As someone that has gone through it on the receiving side, I say don't tell. However, if you want to bring back all the hurt feelings, miss trust (warranted), sickness, fighting, and add to it a more counseling, and maybe divorce.. then by all means tell her.
I wish I never found out... It made my life living hell for a long time. I told my wife if she ever did it again not to tell me just because she feels guilty. I don't want her guilt to ruin my life again.
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