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Self-forgiveness - 5/31/2008 10:44:55 AM
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JoeC43
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I'm new on this forum. I don't have any affliation to any particular organization or church. I do have a question to which I am searching for an answer. My wife passed away in Feb of 2007 of a form of bladder cancer. I have been troubled with guilt and feeling of not having done enough for her, even though her Doctor and family said that there was nothing more I could have done. I do not know how to rid myself of these feelings and forgive myself for not having done more. Thanks for listening.
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RE: Self-forgiveness - 5/31/2008 11:53:41 AM
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Covaan_Meshuga
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Joe, I am so sorry she passed away. I understand a little, having lost my husband in 1977.
When he passed away, some people blamed me for his death. They thought that if I had just told him not to go, he would not have been on that plane. The problem is that if I had demanded that he not go, they would have called me controlling. Either way, they would have tried to make me feel guilty.
Just as planes sometimes come down, some people get cancer. There is nothing you could have done to stop this; it just happens to some of us. I am sorry it was your wife who got it, but what could you have done to prevent it? What could you have done to stop the cancer once it was diagnosed? What could you have done to prevent her death?
Joe, both Pat and I had bad feelings about his trip, but we both discounted them. I packed his bags. I encouraged him to go. He laughed from the car as it drove away from the house, and I laughed with him, as our 5-year-old daughter stood at my side and I encouraged our two-year-old son to "Wave at Daddy!" and we laughed at his joy for going. I did everything I could to make sure he took that trip, and when he did not call "by 1:00" as he promised, my heart sunk.
We are both innocent and ignorant in our ways. We cannot know the future. We cannot know what to do until we look at it all from hind-sight. Only then can we think of "what I could have/should have done."
G-d does not allow us to look into the future for very good reasons. That is for Him and Him alone to know. If we knew what would happen in the future, too, too many of us would not be able to get through the present. It is His kindness that seals up the future and reveals it to us slowly, only in moments of living.
Joe, I am praying for you to see that there was nothing you could have done to prevent either the cancer or her death. I am praying for your comfort and peace. And as I pray for you, I will ask you to pray for my daughter, who stood at my side waving at her daddy. She was recently diagnosed with cancer.
< Message edited by Covaan_Meshuga -- 5/31/2008 12:01:48 PM >
_____________________________
Abiyah
Why does He keep quoting Torah? Doesn't He know He's about to abolish it?
A tree's fruit is obvious; you have to look harder for the worm hole.
G-d has only one natural Son; EVERYONE else is adopted.
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RE: Self-forgiveness - 5/31/2008 11:59:36 AM
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4IMPersuaded
Posts: 424
Joined: 11/17/2007
From: Florence, KY
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First, Joe, welcome. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through.
This is a compeletely normal response to such a loss. You have no one to be angry with-- Cancer is a faceless, but ruthless adversary. In the absence of that adversary, those feelings can turn inward which is what sounds like has happened.
I will tell you that I struggle with this to a degree, myself. I have been given many of the "mercy" gifts when it comes to others, but I have a difficult time extending them to myself. You need to give yourself permission to be gentle here. No one needs to be held responsible, least of all you. The Holy Spirit is ready and waiting as your Comforter but you have to lay these feelings down at the feet of Jesus. He is happy to bear that burden for you because He knows what loss is. He is also ready to help you leave it there. So often we surrender these things to Him for a time, then go back and try to pick up those burdens. Ask Him to help you leave them there.
Your loss is only a little over a year old, so don't expect to just "shake it off." This sort of healing takes time, but it also takes work. Give yourself permission to be kind on your own behalf. You will be in many of our prayers.
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RE: Self-forgiveness - 5/31/2008 12:04:26 PM
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colliefan
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From: Raleigh, NC
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Satan is the accuser of the brethren and loves the blame-game. He wants you to focus on the Lord instead of Christ. He doesn't want you to be greatful for the good times you had with your wife and istead he wants you to focus on the "'could ofs."
Rest in the Lord and let him be the healer of your heart.
_____________________________
The grace of God is infinite and eternal. As it had no beginning, so it can have no end, and being an attribute of God, it is as boundless as infinitude.
A. W. Tozer (1897–1963)
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RE: Self-forgiveness - 5/31/2008 12:13:08 PM
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4IMPersuaded
Posts: 424
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From: Florence, KY
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quote:
ORIGINAL: colliefan
Satan is the accuser of the brethren and loves the blame-game. He wants you to focus on the Lord instead of Christ. He doesn't want you to be greatful for the good times you had with your wife and istead he wants you to focus on the "'could ofs."
Rest in the Lord and let him be the healer of your heart.
Excellent advice-- except I think you meant to say that satan wants you to focus on your loss, or yourself instead of Christ. Once we begin to live in gratitude and focus our attention on Him, all things ARE possible-- beginning with self-forgiveness.
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RE: Self-forgiveness - 5/31/2008 12:25:55 PM
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colliefan
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From: Raleigh, NC
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 4IMPersuaded
quote:
ORIGINAL: colliefan
Satan is the accuser of the brethren and loves the blame-game. He wants you to focus on the Lord instead of Christ. He doesn't want you to be greatful for the good times you had with your wife and istead he wants you to focus on the "'could ofs."
Rest in the Lord and let him be the healer of your heart.
Excellent advice-- except I think you meant to say that satan wants you to focus on your loss, or yourself instead of Christ. Once we begin to live in gratitude and focus our attention on Him, all things ARE possible-- beginning with self-forgiveness.
my bad...I meant to say your loss
_____________________________
The grace of God is infinite and eternal. As it had no beginning, so it can have no end, and being an attribute of God, it is as boundless as infinitude.
A. W. Tozer (1897–1963)
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RE: Self-forgiveness - 5/31/2008 3:43:10 PM
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mvic
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Dear Joe,
I am very sorry for your loss and I will be praying for you.
In life, we sometimes burden ourselves with unnecessary guilt. It weighs us down and slows our progress towards God.
As others have said - you have no reason to feel guilty. You are grieving and others reading your post are grieving with you; and praying for you.
Please hand over the whole situation to God. In your own words tell Him how you feel and ask for His help. He will not let you down.
Don't let the devil win this battle by making you feel guilty.
God bless you.
Dear Covaan_Meshuga,
Thank you for your story. I am praying for you and your daughter.
God bless.
_____________________________
http://www.holyvisions.co.uk
Welcome to my Blog
MEI VITA INDICO CHRISTUS
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RE: Self-forgiveness - 6/1/2008 1:19:42 AM
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GraceBro
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"Then I heard a loud voice saying in heaven, “Now salvation, and strength, and the kingdom of our God, and the power of His Christ have come, for the accuser of our brethren, who accused them before our God day and night, has been cast down." Revelation 12:10
Hi Joe, I am sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my mother to cancer in November 2006. It is easy to think that we could have said or done something that would have been the key to restoring their health. But, you must realize that the guilt you are feeling is not coming from God, but from Satan. He is the father of lies who always wants to keep us alienated from the love of God. Remember, if your wife was in Christ, you will see her again. And, although I can't imagine what it must be like for her to be gone out of your life, think about where she is right now. She is in the presence of the Lord Jesus Himself, free from the pain of cancer and the sin of life in this world. Moreso, remind yourself that you will see her again one day. When you think about it would you rather she come back to you here on earth or for you to go be with her in Heaven? That is how I have been able to deal with my mother's passing. I long to be with her rather than her back down here with me. Again, the pain you are feeling is normal, but bearing the guilt of her loss is not coming from God.
"...and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water." Hebrews 10:21-22
Grace and Peace
< Message edited by GraceBro -- 6/1/2008 1:28:36 AM >
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RE: Self-forgiveness - 6/1/2008 1:28:11 AM
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DenimDiva
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Joined: 9/28/2007
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Joe- I'm very sorry for your loss. I pray that you will find peace and comfort in our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.
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RE: Self-forgiveness - 6/1/2008 11:11:19 AM
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JoeC43
Posts: 2
Joined: 5/31/2008
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 Thank you all so very much for the help. And you're so right that Satan is at work in my head over this. But you have cleared it up for me. I also realized last evening that God has already forgiven me, so who am I to question His forgiveness. Thanks.
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RE: Self-forgiveness - 6/1/2008 11:50:58 AM
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Covaan_Meshuga
Posts: 3012
Joined: 6/8/2005
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Joe, please understand that there is usually grieving yet to be done. When you grieve, the self-blaming may start again. When it does, such answers as these may help again as reminders, and you may need other answers as well.
The best answers are in the Bible.
The Bible tells us that it is G-d who heals us. Read about David and his grief over his sons who died.
The Bible also says that upon the cross, Messiah has born our griefs and carried our sorrows. He actually knew then what you would be going through now, and He loved you, carrying those griefs and sorrows as He writhed in the pain of His own execution. He loved you that much.
You wrote that you have no affiliation with any congregation at this time. Sometimes, we need such people to surround us, especially after what you have gone through. Not for sympathy, not for attention, but for the teaching and friendship of other believers, for diversion, for all the things that community can offer. I would encourage you to find a congregation that offers such things, then don't expect them to come to you; you come to them, getting fully involved. This will be part of your healing.
May the L-rd bless you. May the light of the Face of G-d, His Son the Messiah, shine upon you. May He be gracious to you and lift you up.
_____________________________
Abiyah
Why does He keep quoting Torah? Doesn't He know He's about to abolish it?
A tree's fruit is obvious; you have to look harder for the worm hole.
G-d has only one natural Son; EVERYONE else is adopted.
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RE: Self-forgiveness - 6/14/2008 7:39:22 PM
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_CANCELLED_
Posts: 165
Joined: 6/14/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: JoeC43
I'm new on this forum. I don't have any affliation to any particular organization or church. I do have a question to which I am searching for an answer. My wife passed away in Feb of 2007 of a form of bladder cancer. I have been troubled with guilt and feeling of not having done enough for her, even though her Doctor and family said that there was nothing more I could have done. I do not know how to rid myself of these feelings and forgive myself for not having done more. Thanks for listening.
First, I'm so sorry for your loss. God bless and comfort you and may you be filled with fond memories that bring a smile to your face when you think of your beloved wife.
I think if you feel you need to forgive yourself (and only you and the Lord can say whether that's really necessary) you need to do that for many reasons; you must realize it would break your wifes heart if she thought you blamed yourself for her passing in even the slightest way. The fact is, she's doing a heckuva lot better than we are here. There is no pain or sorrow there. Just think about that. She wouldn't want you to do this to yourself.
The other reason I think it's so important to forgive oneself is this; To not accept our own forgiveness is a roundabout way of not accepting God's forgiveness. Is our own self-forgiveness bigger, more important, more valuable, or of a higher standard than God's? No, of course not. To not accept our own after He has already forgiven us is--to me--like telling God his forgiveness isn't sufficient so push it back in his face. If God Almighty, He who is above all, can forgive, who are we to say we don't--or can't?
The last thing, and I've had to do this many times--if I find myself not able to forgive--either myself or someone else--I place it in His hands, telling him honestly, I'm finding it difficult to do this, please, if it be your Will, take this from me. He's never failed me.
I hope you arrive there quickly if you haven't by now. God Bless you.
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RE: Self-forgiveness - 6/14/2008 7:47:30 PM
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treeclimber48
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Joined: 8/25/2006
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Good evening, I hope that you will not be too hard on yourself during this grieving process.
I lost my husband a few years ago, It felt like I had the rug pulled out from underneath me. I wondered, why didn't I see what was happening. Maybe I could have helped him through it. why didn't he tell me that he was dying.
Was it to spare me in some way? I wish he would have shared it with me and out children, it might have spared us our awful arguments.
Now I am trying to help my grown children to remember the good times, the happy times.
I hope that during this time that you will be kind to yourself. Do you have some way of taking your mind off of what happened. I had the church to fall on and help me through the hard times and there were many.
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