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Singleness looking more attractive - 7/23/2008 11:55:10 PM
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Eagle4Christ
Posts: 16
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I am dating a fine Christian girl that I get along with well. She is moral and kind and gentle and beautiful. Yet I find myself drawn more and more toward singleness, at least in the short term, because of all the wonderful things I could do (missions trips, personal projects, etc.) if I were single.
Is this silly? What do you guys and girls think?
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RE: Singleness looking more attractive - 7/24/2008 12:14:49 AM
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Roelie
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I don't think it is silly, but I guess I would have to ask what the purpose in dating was then. From my own personal point of view, dating for me is to find a Christian partner for marriage. You know couples go on mission trips ;)
_____________________________
2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
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RE: Singleness looking more attractive - 7/24/2008 12:19:01 AM
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Eagle4Christ
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Yes--this is a very recent feeling--over the last few weeks. When we began dating, I was very interested in marrying--that interest has slightly subsided.
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RE: Singleness looking more attractive - 7/24/2008 12:22:15 AM
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Roelie
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Is that because she maybe isn't the one, or just marriage in general?
_____________________________
2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
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RE: Singleness looking more attractive - 7/24/2008 12:26:01 AM
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Eagle4Christ
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A little of both, maybe?
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RE: Singleness looking more attractive - 7/24/2008 12:33:17 AM
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Roelie
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So I guess we come back to the purpose of dating. What is the purpose of dating her then? If she has the same purpose then it is not silly at all, but if she is dating for the purpose of marriage, it would have to be something that I would want to pray about. Know what I mean?
_____________________________
2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
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RE: Singleness looking more attractive - 7/24/2008 12:35:34 AM
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Eagle4Christ
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Yes, I see where you're coming from. I suppose that's what I'm struggling with: I want to give this a little time to make sure my new feelings aren't merely transient, but not date just to be dating. I'm trying to figure out if this is a passing phase or a real change of mind.
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RE: Singleness looking more attractive - 7/24/2008 12:37:46 AM
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Roelie
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Sounds like you are giving it some good thought though. I encourage you to prayerfully think about it and ask for wisdom. It's a tough one.
_____________________________
2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
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RE: Singleness looking more attractive - 7/24/2008 12:39:27 AM
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Eagle4Christ
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Thanks for the encouragement :-)
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RE: Singleness looking more attractive - 7/24/2008 6:22:49 AM
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mutinywxgirl
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Eagle4Christ
I am dating a fine Christian girl that I get along with well. She is moral and kind and gentle and beautiful. Yet I find myself drawn more and more toward singleness, at least in the short term, because of all the wonderful things I could do (missions trips, personal projects, etc.) if I were single.
Is this silly? What do you guys and girls think?
May we ask the age of you both?
Also, Elisabeth Elliott talks about how she knew she was going to marry Jim Elliott, however, he was called to the field - as a single. They spent several years apart - each doing their own thing for God, before God allowed them to come together and get married and then go into the field as a couple. It does happen.
Pray, pray, and then pray some more like you've not even begun to pray.
_____________________________
When blood and water hit the ground.
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down.
We were free and made alive.
The day true love died. The day true love died.
Lisa is happy THE ROWDIES ARE BACK!
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RE: Singleness looking more attractive - 7/24/2008 9:07:12 AM
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Eagle4Christ
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Um, without getting to specific, we're both pushing 30.
And pray I shall. Thanks.
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RE: Singleness looking more attractive - 7/24/2008 9:14:54 AM
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sunshinesoprano
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May I ask how serious the relationship is? Have you talked marriage? Is it a case of nervousness about getting that committed? Not that your commitment-phobic or anything, but you've been single a long time and that's a big change.
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Pure Heart-Fresh, Progressive Southern Gospel
Sing, laugh, love, PRAISE!
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RE: Singleness looking more attractive - 7/24/2008 10:18:45 AM
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Eagle4Christ
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That's a really good question. We have discussed marriage, etc., because we both entered into the relationship looking to marry. At first, I was very excited about doing so: I've just seen a gradual abatement of my enthusiasm.
I don't know. Maybe I am afraid to commit. I suspect I'm just having doubts about this particular girl. I keep thinking, "What would it be like to spend the rest of my life with this person?" The idea just doesn't seem appealing to me :-(
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RE: Singleness looking more attractive - 7/24/2008 10:45:35 AM
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iwillfearnoevil
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enjoying the psychologist's couch while we all ask questions? is this the most serious relationship you've had in some time? i agree with the poster(s) suggesting this might have more to do with the girl. you seem to be giving it time and i think that is prolly a better idea than calling for a 'break'. you talk about mission trips, is there any no reason you couldn't go if you are married? granted having a large family and then you leaving her alone with the children for extended trips could be a burden.
one of my friends told me he had similiar thoughts are you are having after his relationship progressed to a certain stage. he totally felt not ready to commit like you said and wanting to be single. however he later attributed to the girl rather than himself.
not trying to talk you into being single or not, just throwing out ideas. i think also human tendency is to often want what we don't have ... you are possibly getting closer to that goal and it's not elusive any more ... there is truth in that there is excitement in the pursuit ...
_____________________________
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RE: Singleness looking more attractive - 7/24/2008 10:51:53 AM
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laura...
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When/if you meet the right woman you will want to be married. Until then enjoy singleness. Quit thinking about all the things you could do as a single...go and do them.
This girl, no matter how wonderful she is, isn't the right one right now.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: Singleness looking more attractive - 7/24/2008 12:09:30 PM
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Eagle4Christ
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I am enjoying the couch! It's nice and comfy.
I have been in a more serious relationship within the last year or so. It ended with the lady's decision. What concerns me about missions trips is just what you mentioned: when I have kids, my time will be spent with them. Regardless of how wonderful it is to serve in other ways, my main thrust will have to be with the kids and wife. I don't mind making this shift if it's with someone I really want to be with. I just don't feel that's the situation.
Boy, soprano is right! I am answering my own questions here.
I am going to give it some more time, prayerfully seeking the face of God, to make sure that this is no fleeting feeling.
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RE: Singleness looking more attractive - 7/25/2008 9:04:53 AM
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Elena1030
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Great questions, everyone!!!
Eagle4Christ,
Praise and thanks to God that you are evaluating these things solemnly and soberly, not out of panic. It's such a blessing that He gives us knowledge, understanding, and wisdom, is it not! =)
Though you probably have discovered how delightful this woman is/can be, you are also discovering who she really is. And you evidently have some misgivings about her potential for being a good match for YOU for a wife. Since part of the purpose of intentional dating is to discover those key "ingredients" in a person that you want in a spouse, ask God to walk you through a reflective thinking time and show you the specifics as to why this particular woman is not a good fit. (And thus, what are some must-have's and some preferences for you for a wife.) He will do so in His own good time. 
And now that the infatuation haze (which is part of most every dating relationship) has worn off to a good degree, you have the ability to do such a prayerful, objective evaluation.
Also... since you feel a stirring in your heart for missions, go do that!! Short-term mission trips, both in your own country and internationally, are probably more available these days than ever before. And trips are offered to do all sorts of ministry: door-to-door evangelism, prayerwalking, home Bible study gatherings, backyard Bible clubs, construction work, music, sports, leading seminars, and the list goes on.
The point is to love people in Jesus' name and to share the good news of salvation in Christ ---> all to the glory of God. The context is a bit secondary.
And... you can continue to live the "on mission" lifestyle even after you and your yet-to-be wife have kids ---> not only do many churches offer missions education groups for children but also in your own home, to your children AND to your spouse, you can model sharing Christ, talking about who Jesus is and what He does for us, and living for God in all sorts of ways. (The primary and most important teacher of a child is his parents, whether spiritually or academically.) And you can do missions and ministry projects as a family.
For example, at a Habitat for Humanity build there are plenty of age-appropriate tasks for every person in the family to be involved. Both the parents and the kids could help make sandwiches and stuff to feed the workers. Dad and Mom could put shingles on the roof, hang drywall, or paint. Kids could also help pick up trash and leftover construction supplies. Teenage offspring might be allowed to do some of the construction work too. The entire family can make friends with the people for whom the house is being built.
Anytime you function as a conduit for God's love, you are doing ministry. Anytime you do so to someone who doesn't yet know Christ as Savior and Lord, you are doing missions.
Doing missions starts young --- even with little kids: in Sunday School, the kids in my denomination learn about praying for missionaries and supporting missionaries through giving. During VBS at my church, the kids brought their money and donations of breakfast cereal for a local ministry and of instant oatmeal for the Family Mission Trip.
So... it's not that missions requires singleness. It's that some tasks are better done by singles. Some international assignments are better for a single male, b/c of the culture in the area. (And if he is killed on the field, he doesn't leave behind dependents: a widow and (possibly) kids.)
Yes, singles have more discretionary time. But in the churches, married folks also "get it done" when it comes to missions and ministry --- they have one other person in the household to share the tasks of making a life.
There are advantages either way.
 Yay that you want to be an "on mission" Christian!!! 
To bring things back around to the original topic:
You are wise to weigh these things......to "count the cost," so to speak.
_____________________________
"We're not odd, we're just over-expressive."—Helen in Howard's End
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RE: Singleness looking more attractive - 7/28/2008 10:08:40 AM
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Eagle4Christ
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Thanks very much Elena. I am actually feeling better about the relationship now, but I'm still trying to figure out if it's of God. Paul recommends singleness, but says it's better to marry than to "burn with passion." I'm not yet burning with passion. However, maybe that will come. I'm not going to throw this relationship under the bus just yet, but I'm not ready to propose yet either. I think more time spent getting to know each other is called for. We'll see what happens :-)
Re: missions, yes, it is a very important thing and I appreciate the activity of missions in the mundane. My profession gives me a great window to do foreign missions short and long-term. I suppose I was myopically paying attention to only that form of mission work. Thanks for the clarity.
Please pray for me. These things are too big for little ones such as ourselves. Were it not for the grace of God, I would be completely unable to avoid making a hash of it.
God bless all.
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RE: Singleness looking more attractive - 7/28/2008 2:00:01 PM
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derek_from_canada
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I think it's the old blinders coming off and she is not the proverbial golden haired goddess she started out to be. How long has it been after all?
Of course you wanted to marry the perfect princess who has everything and who you are infatuated with...
but now you are seeing she has some warts and some rough edges and some differences and she's a human just like anyone else.
So the course now is to choose to love her despite her failings (and realize she is (or will) see yours soon enough), or to decide there isn't enough there to continue your journies together.
It seems you are choosing to give her the benefit of the doubt and I think you are right to do so.
At least talk over some of the misgivings with her to give her a chance and not blindside her.
Relationships take effort and compromise, it's not like the movies where infatuation and passion trumps everything else, real life is much more nuanced, interesting, challenging and rewarding.
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RE: Singleness looking more attractive - 7/28/2008 3:43:00 PM
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Psalms274
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quote:
What concerns me about missions trips is just what you mentioned: when I have kids, my time will be spent with them. Regardless of how wonderful it is to serve in other ways, my main thrust will have to be with the kids and wife. I don't mind making this shift if it's with someone I really want to be with. I just don't feel that's the situation.
If this is your primary reason ... just a little food for thought ...
I am friends with several long term missionaries (serving over 10 years each). Two missionary families (one of which is now a missionary to the missionaries!!! a support person) and a single missionary. All give the same feedback, it is much easier to serve in a foreign country as a married couple with a family than it is as a single person. It is very tough to go outside of your own culture alone ... and as a single you would be very alone .... the single missionaries long for the companionship with those that speak their own language and can wind down with at the end of a day ... and there is something about "doing it together" I think there is a romantic notion that is unrealistic as to what the life of a missionary is like ... my friends tell me about quite a few single missionary who become very depressed because it wasn't anything like they envisioned. Now the Missionary families I know served together and are the most remarkable families I have met.
But ... you would BOTH have to be called to the field. I know you are praying on this ... I think both Derek and Elana provided excellent feedback.
Blessings,
Karen
_____________________________
I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ.
< Linus w/ a friends baby!
http://piswa.blogspot.com/
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RE: Singleness looking more attractive - 7/29/2008 11:44:05 PM
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Eagle4Christ
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Derek:
You might be right. Perhaps I am just being exposed to her rough edges now. But this raises the question, what is proper justification for marriage among Christians? Jesus said that some are made "eunuchs" for the sake of the gospel and that he who is able to accept this teaching should accept it. What if I feel I am becoming more and more able to accept this teaching? Or Paul, who wishes that all men were like him? I don't want to get married just as a matter of course. But, like you say, this is not a decision to be made overnight. Much time and consideration and prayer must baptize it first.
And great advice re: discussing this with her. I'm trying to keep her in the loop about this. Thanks for the insight though.
Psalms:
This is a really great point too. I don't feel called to full-time missions work, but certainly to short-term trips, which could be hindered by having wife and kids at home.
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RE: Singleness looking more attractive - 7/31/2008 1:59:57 PM
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derek_from_canada
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You want justification?
We are all called to be in relationship. Fellowship/loving one another etc.
90% of us will get married.
Being married is the most character building, self-sacrificing thing you can do, ( next to having kids )
(Read the book "Sacred Marriage:" Maybe God designed marriage to make us Holy more than to make us Happy")
Having to mutually submit to someone who is not perfect makes you less selfish.
You learn a lot about yourself (and your failings) when held up in the mirror of your spouse who is closer to you than anyone.
Marriage is a (lesser) earthly model of the examples of God's love to us as well.
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RE: Singleness looking more attractive - 7/31/2008 9:31:29 PM
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Eagle4Christ
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Good points Derek. I appreciate them. And please know that I am not trying to be argumentative. I'm just looking for further clarification. Jesus said that, he who is able to accept singleness for the gospel should accept it. If I feel like I'm moving that direction, how will I know? I suppose it will be more than a simple passing fancy.
But yes, biblical marriage is that sort of thing as you describe. I see it in some couples--it is great and terrible. It almost makes me tremble for its scope and nature.
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RE: Singleness looking more attractive - 8/1/2008 12:43:09 AM
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lilmisskimmer
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Eagle4Christ:
I don't think u are crazy for questioning this. I can see why some caring people might be confused...It's much better to wait & be sure - then to marry "Just because".
Story: I have two friends who have been married for a few years now. After they had been dating for well over a year. My friend Angela knew she was in LOVE and was ready to commit to marriage but Ryan was unsure... questioning... and even burnt out. Angela came to me in tears because of her situation but after shedding tears and praying about it She realized that she loved him so much that she wanted what was best for him - even if that did not include her! 1 1/2 years later after a Short Term Missions trip to Eastern Europe - He had the same experience Angela had earlier on... He knew he loved her and wanted to marry her. They have now been married for 5 years.
It doesn't matter how beautiful, moral, sweet, or amazing any woman is - If she's not the right woman for you the puzzle will never fit together.
TIME & honesty are your friends. You are a good man for keeping her in the "loop" & being honest with your feelings. :)
God Bless,
:) Kimmer
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