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To married folks, do you regret having your previous dating relationships?
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To married folks, do you regret having your previous da... - 10/20/2009 7:29:40 PM
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StephenJ
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I'm curious.
I myself am not married, but growing up in the particular enviroment that I did there were alot of books that I was exposed to that talked about guarding your "emotional and physical purity." For example if you have a lot of deep physically and emotionally intimate relationships before you settle down then it will hurt your ability to connect with your spouse. In other words, you give a bit of your heart to each person you ever become involved with, so when you finally find "the one" you don't have your whole heart to give to them.
So my question to you married folks is. Do you regret your previous relationships (even brief hook ups) and have they hindered your marriage in tangible way?
Thanks in advance.
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/20/2009 7:39:26 PM
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car2ner
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There are times when I think back and tell myself "that was stupid" but I don't beat myself up over the past. The past is the past and nothing I do will change it. I have learned from it and am a better person for it. I don't like that I had to learn by making mistakes but I did.
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/20/2009 7:39:36 PM
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stellaluna
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I think that whole "guard your heart" thing is ridiculous. While there are things I'd rather I hadn't done, I don't really have regrets. All of my experiences and relationships made me the person I am and brought me where I am today. If I hadn't been on this path, I wouldn't have met my husband and I think learning from previous relationships helps me in my marriage.
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/20/2009 8:01:26 PM
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gcsmithjr
Posts: 534
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I don't regret them (heck, I've been married so long that I hardly remember them).
Stellaluna is exactly right. Most people don't get a vision from God telling them who they're supposed to marry, it's a journey that (hopefully) ends in us finding that person, and along the way you'll learn a lot about relationships and what you're looking for in the person you want to marry (even though you may end up with someone who violates all of those rules).
Physical intimacy is a different issue - there's no doubt that the best situation is to wait to be physically intimate until you're married (but even if that's not the case, God's grace and forgiveness can help overcome that baggage as well).
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/20/2009 9:18:41 PM
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Liveloved
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quote:
ORIGINAL: stellaluna
I think that whole "guard your heart" thing is ridiculous. While there are things I'd rather I hadn't done, I don't really have regrets. All of my experiences and relationships made me the person I am and brought me where I am today. If I hadn't been on this path, I wouldn't have met my husband and I think learning from previous relationships helps me in my marriage.
stellaluna said it. No regrets for me either. It all was necessary. And it all has been or has the potential to be used for good in my life. God is really good. 
_____________________________
Liveloved
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Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/20/2009 10:40:38 PM
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3cappuccinosmom
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OTOH, it may not be the wisest thing to do to go out and break a few hearts, or make some mistakes *on purpose* in the name of "learning life lessons".  We don't get to sin in order for grace to abound. (I'm not saying dating is a sin. I'm saying we need to be careful of turning God's grace upside down to give us an excuse to do as we please instead of as he pleases)
I never dated. But I had a friendship with a young man that I very much regret the way I handled it. Emotional intimacy happened that was not appropriate. Regardless of God's grace in my life (which is wonderful! ), that should not have happened and I was wrong to let it happen.
If you follow God's leading and treat women with dignity, and respect, and as sisters in Christ as you are called to do, you may or may not have dating relationships before you get married, but either way you can (and should) conduct yourself in a way that honors God and that does not necessitate heartbreaks or bad breakups or line-crossing levels of intimacy in order to mature as a human being.
quote:
For example if you have a lot of deep physically and emotionally intimate relationships before you settle down then it will hurt your ability to connect with your spouse.
How "deep" are you talking about here? Sexual activity before marriage has a high likelihood of causing problems in marriages down the road. Then there are things that border on sex but don't quite make the jump. And then there are debatables but most people wouldn't call that 'deep' physcial intimacy anyway. What is God calling you to, in regards to purity? When you are considering whether certain things are acceptable, knowing what you know about God and his Word, can you say wholeheartedly that those actions would please him? It doesn't matter what a book says you shouldn't do, or what other people have done and felt fine about doing. What matters is that you obey God and live your life to please him and not yourself.
< Message edited by 3cappuccinosmom -- 10/20/2009 10:57:37 PM >
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/20/2009 10:48:08 PM
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MisterTR
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quote:
ORIGINAL: stellaluna
I think that whole "guard your heart" thing is ridiculous. While there are things I'd rather I hadn't done, I don't really have regrets. All of my experiences and relationships made me the person I am and brought me where I am today. If I hadn't been on this path, I wouldn't have met my husband and I think learning from previous relationships helps me in my marriage.
Yes, what's done is done. I felt some regret, and moved on. Getting too emotionally involved with one girl in high school led me to back off on the whole dating thing, keeping it much more as friends. Which was a good thing.
I may be off-base on this, but I think the whole "guard your heart" thing is NOT ridiculous, however. Guarding my heart helped to keep me out of sexual sin. And my wife, who didn't guard her heart, had multiple sexual partners before we were married, which led to a child she placed for adoption. That still hurts sometimes, and has had some negative impact on our marriage. God has worked it for good, but could we have had more "good" in our marriage if we had made better choices before we met each other? Possibly.
I believe that our past choices were in no way necessary to bring us together with our spouses. I think God wanted to bring my wife and I together, and he would have done so regardless of our past choices, good or bad.
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"And we know that all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/20/2009 11:02:32 PM
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stellaluna
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Guarding your heart isn't necessarily related to sexual relationships, in my opinion. If you're a Christian, pre-marital sex is a no-no. Even taking that out of the equation, too many people warn against getting close to another person in the name of "guarding the heart." It's silly. If I love my mother with my whole heart, can I not love my dad? If I love my husband with my whole heart, is there not room for love for others? The heart is not finite. You don't "lose" pieces of yourself as though they are crumbs along the path of your life. I think it's an idea that has been propagated by courtship advocates in order to sow fear in the minds of singles.
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/20/2009 11:04:30 PM
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herestoresmysoul
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Well both my husband and I had long first mariages (23 and 25 years) and that certainly hasnt stopped either of us from giving our 'whole hearts' to each other. We are very much in love and couldnt be closer.We are truly soul mates and he is my other half.
I had previous boyfriends before my first marriage, but still I love and adore my husband with a passion.Its hard to imagine how I could be any closer to him than I am now.
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/21/2009 12:17:39 AM
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keithyhuntington
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not me. i actually regret not having more relationships before hand. my wife too. but thats just us.
all my past relationships tought me something that i have applied to this one, so they have helped me.
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Jesus Christ please help me 'cause i'm lonely. Whats the use in living, if you can't make a good living?
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/21/2009 12:47:24 AM
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Liv4Him06
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My past relationships have affected me in some way, shape or form. There are things I've regretted to this day, or at least wish I could change -- even though I didn't know Christ back then.
I'm not too sure if there's been a hindrance on my marriage, but I know not doing things the way God instructs has severe consequences.
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"Death is half disarmed when the pleasures and interests of the flesh are first denied."
—Richard Baxter
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/21/2009 1:06:12 AM
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iluvatar
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quote:
ORIGINAL: keithyhuntington
not me. i actually regret not having more relationships before hand.
Me too. My wife was my first serious girlfriend and it would've been nice to have had some practice runs before hand. I didn't really know what I wanted in a mate or what to expect from another person or the relationship.
-Dan.
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Well, I've been to one world fair, a picnic, and a rodeo, and that's the stupidest thing I ever heard come over a set of earphones.
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/21/2009 6:26:42 AM
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mariamaria
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hi there,
I would have to say that yes I regret my previous relations purely because I wish I hadn't of spent so much energy, time and emotion on some thing that didn't work where as I could of spent that time with my now husband.
My past relationships made me a little aware at the beginning of my relationship with hubby that things can easily go wrong so it made me take things a little slower but in no way has past relationships stop me from giving my all to the marriage I am in now.
I try not to live with regrets, although I have lots of them and try not to judge future relationships on past ones.
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/21/2009 6:37:05 AM
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cposey
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I would say i absolutely regret my past relationships. The truth is not the same for all people, but for me it was sin. My past girlfriends, one-night stands and even my wife in the beginning of our relationship became gods in my life. I would put God aside and focus most of my time and energy on them. I had sex before marriage with different individuals and i certainly feel like i gave away a piece of myself with that. Would i have been better off to never have dated or hooked up with so many, absolutely yes. However my issue was primarily a lack of guidance. I took it upon myself to find someone, instead of letting God provide.
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/21/2009 10:01:42 AM
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DaveW
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My wife regrets my lack of bf/gf relationships. (pre-marriage of course!)
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Avatar is my daughter Laura and SIL David on their wedding 9/20/09 ====================================
Our CD is now available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/21/2009 12:05:43 PM
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small_creation
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I made so many sexual mistakes before coming to Christ at age 27, before meeting my husband, that my go-to verse was Philippians 3:13...Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead.
Sometimes I think of what a gift it would have been for my husband had I "saved" myself for him, but I cannot regret taking the path that eventually led me to him.
The sexual sins I committed still resonate today in some form or another, but I can do nothing about the past. All I can do is to press on, and forget about the past.
My hubby was made fully aware of my past before we met, so there is nothing to hide there. I knew that full disclosure was necessary before moving forward with our deepening relationship. That doesn't mean he knows the details and measurements and whens wheres and hows. That kind of information is best kept to yourself.
j
< Message edited by small_creation -- 10/21/2009 12:13:01 PM >
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Pay no mind to me. I'm just a small town hick in fly-over country.
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/21/2009 3:00:23 PM
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Mollymouser
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Do you regret having your previous dating relationships?
ABSOLUTELY, YES!!!!
Yes, I have regrets about several dating relationships I had with "boys" while in college (before I became a Christian) ... I spent hours of unecessary emotional trauma over those boys, and in many ways they skewed my views about men and relationships for a number of years. I am, however, grateful that I didn't give in and sleep with any of them, though at the time I really didn't have a faith-based reason for my refusal. (I just remember my mom always said, "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?") Looking back, it is crystal clear to me that such emotional intimacy/trauma was not God's best (or His plan) for my life. But because of God's grace, I've repented of those relationships and conduct, and have been forgiven -- so I don't wallow in guilt or regret today.
Do you regret your previous relationships (even brief hook ups) and have they hindered your marriage in tangible way?
Honestly, that's hard to say. I am a product of my past and have many things in my past which have formed the basis for who I am today as a married woman and a Child of God. Growing up, my family life was as dreadful and dysfunctional as possible, and I was not raised in a loving environment or by Christian parents. Compared to that reality, it's hard for me to say that my dating relationships have "hindered my marriage in a tangible way" -- if anything, my distrust of people and my fear of being hurt is probably the biggest hindrance that I had to overcome.
By the time I got saved, turned my life over to Christ, and had reached my 30s, it was clear to me that God's best for me was not casual dating, or even serious dating. So I didn't date -- I guarded my heart and put my focus on Christ, growing in my faith and in my relationship with Him. And then, when I was ready, God introduced me to a wonderful, godly man and we became good friends. Then we began an intentional courtship relationship, got engaged, and got married. We've been married since 2003, and it's been wonderful.
I was the first and only "girlfriend" that my wonderful DH ever had, and the first girl that he ever kissed or loved. There's no doubt in my mind that his view of me -- and of our marriage -- is special because of this. I am the first and only person with whom he has shared emotional intimacy, and I have to say that makes me feel cherished, special, and very loved by him. In some ways, I wish that he'd been the only boy I'd ever kissed ... but at least I am now in a position to say that he is, without a doubt, the best.
I wish you well in your journey to discover what God has in store for your life.
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  MARRIED TO A MILITARY PILOT ~ PLEASE PRAY FOR OUR TROOPS!
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/24/2009 12:54:56 AM
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Anon101
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I wish I would never had a previous relationship before marriage. The soul bond you have with your past partner has to be broken and only God can do that. It is difficult for me not to still remember my first love. When I remember I am filled with guilt for just thinking about it or remembering it. If I never had that I would not be on this rollercoster.
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/24/2009 8:39:56 AM
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buckifn
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No. I think the whole "guard your heart" lingo is stupid. Dating people, learning more about myself and about the person I was dating is all a part of life...esp. during early adulthood. I can't imagine marrying someone and being clueless about what it is like to be in a relationship.
To worry about who my spouse may or may not have dated before me sounds very insecure and childish.
I believe we learn something from every relationship and hopefully we use that knowledge to become a better and wiser person. I know I have.
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/24/2009 9:06:53 AM
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Anon101
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quote:
ORIGINAL: buckifn
No. I think the whole "guard your heart" lingo is stupid. Dating people, learning more about myself and about the person I was dating is all a part of life...esp. during early adulthood. I can't imagine marrying someone and being clueless about what it is like to be in a relationship.
To worry about who my spouse may or may not have dated before me sounds very insecure and childish.
I believe we learn something from every relationship and hopefully we use that knowledge to become a better and wiser person. I know I have.
I do agree with you that we all should date before getting married. That is important. I have some of the funniest stories about dating experiences I had prior to marrying my husband. Dating is different than having a relationship, though. I guess I took the OP to mean "do I regret a previous relationship". That would be a yes. If anyone on this forum is imperfect like myself and honest about their past there may have been some pre-marital relations going on in that past relationship. I didn't know why that was so wrong until I got out of my past relationship and got married. I know I am still dealing with the soul tie from a previous relationship. That is why God hates pre-marital relations so much because sex doesn't just affect the body, but it binds two people together physically, mentally, and spiritually. That is why I think we have so many fragmented, damaged people walking around.
I can only speak for myself. I know God has forgiven me but I'm still dealing with the after affects of a past relationship. I still have memories and memories usually cause emotions to rise up. I guess it depends on how involved the previous relationship was. If it was casual, and just dating, those are pretty harmless. If it was a prior relationship and you gave a part of yourself to that person/relationship like I did, then there are regrets. I would have liked to have entered into my marriage a whole person. I would have liked to have been able to give my heart to my husband wholly knowing it never belonged to anyone else before him.
Again, that is just my personal feelings on the issue.
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/24/2009 6:08:12 PM
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a_sparrow
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I wish I'd dated more before I got married, actually.
I do deeply regret sexual sin - because it was an act of rebellion against God, damaging at the time to my then-boyfriend, and hurtful now to my dh.
I don't think premarital sex is a sin against a future spouse, unless there's a dating/engagement relationship with the future spouse when the offense occurs, or unless the future spouse is one of the sinning parties. I do, however, know how much the sin hurts the spouse over the course of the marriage.
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/26/2009 2:55:07 AM
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keithyhuntington
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<rant>my youth pastor used to teach us that if we really loved ourselves, and had respect for our future spouse, we wouldn't as much as hold hands until afternour wedding. There were kids making vows to never eer kiss until their wedding day. IMHO, that's just plain stupid. It's VERY easy for a married man whoa getting some every night to say that to a bunch if 14 year olds, but I think something has to give. I don't hunk there's anything wrong with a French kiss here, holding hands there, as long as yiu respect each others boundaries. But to make people feel guilty about it is a travesty.
I don't buy that 'guard yiur heart' bologna either. If I had kids I'd tell them to date, but I'd have stipulation and responsibilities as well. It's all about using yiur brain. </rant>
_____________________________
Jesus Christ please help me 'cause i'm lonely. Whats the use in living, if you can't make a good living?
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/26/2009 5:50:25 AM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1476
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quote:
ORIGINAL: keithyhuntington
<rant>my youth pastor used to teach us that if we really loved ourselves, and had respect for our future spouse, we wouldn't as much as hold hands until afternour wedding. There were kids making vows to never eer kiss until their wedding day. IMHO, that's just plain stupid. It's VERY easy for a married man whoa getting some every night to say that to a bunch if 14 year olds, but I think something has to give. I don't hunk there's anything wrong with a French kiss here, holding hands there, as long as yiu respect each others boundaries. But to make people feel guilty about it is a travesty.
I don't buy that 'guard yiur heart' bologna either. If I had kids I'd tell them to date, but I'd have stipulation and responsibilities as well. It's all about using yiur brain. </rant>
keithy I od tend to agree. I have never really understood that not kissing till marriage thing, and actually I had never heard it before coming onto forums.Hubby and I did lots of kissing before marriage, after all there isnt much else you can do physically then so its a good time to enjoy the kissing and cuddling part.
However if you are trying to wait till marriage for sex, it is sensible not to let things get too far with touching etc as it only makes it harder to resist.
MY son and his lovely girlfriend have been going out for 15 months now and cant marry for at least another year,and they do find it hard, but they are both determined to wait. I just said to them not to spend too much time alone and go too far physically that it is hard to stop. However they are both very sensible and know this anyway.
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I "fell in love" and gave my heart away with more guys than you could shake a stick at; it was not reciprocated. I led with my chin and got socked good (mostly before I got saved) because I knew nothing about healthy relationships or boundries or anything. 
