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[Poll]
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Waiting for sex
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| We both waited; No problems |
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| I waited/spouse did not ; No problems |
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| Spouse waited/ I did not; No problems |
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| We both did not wait; No problems |
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| I waited/spouse did not ; Problems |
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| Spouse waited/ I did not; Problems |
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| We both did not wait; Problems |
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Total Votes : 43
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(last vote on : 8/19/2009 1:12:29 PM)
(Poll will run till: -- )
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Waiting for sex - 6/27/2009 2:37:56 PM
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linarette
Posts: 101
Joined: 5/2/2007
Status: offline
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Hello,
Please I would like to have your views/opinions on the effects/consequences of marrying someone who waited vs. someone who did not. Please I hope I don't offend anyone with my question, as I know God wants us to wait, and I do not advocate pre-marital sex in any way or form. also, I made a poll because it is a very personal topic, and I understand the need to remain anonymous.
I am 25, single and virgin. I feel a little uncomfortable when a man/guy has a "must be virgin" requirement on his "list". I can understand a virgin man wanting a spouse without "baggage", but it totally infuriates me when the man in question has a sexual past yet requires a virgin. Oh, and don't even get me started on the "Christian" trolls that want pre-marital "proof" that the girl will be "sexual" after marriage 
I did not grow up as Christian, and basically decided to save sex for marriage because I did not want any punk taking advantage of me. I basically told them "save the sweet talk...it's not getting you anywhere". Throughout the years, I became somewhat proud of my higher "moral standards", and it was quite a shock when I learned at 22, after becoming a Christian, that God expects and wants us to save sex for marriage. Since then, I have been quite humbled, to the point where I somewhat fail to see the necessity of requiring (note: not preferring) a virgin spouse. If someone has repented from past pre-marital sex, and has consistenty lived in sexual integrity for years, I do not see the need to hold the past against him/her. I know past sexual sin can become issues later in the marriage; but one could argue that past gambling, alcohol addiction; anger issues may also become issues later on...
So please, I need your input here... I know the biblical standard of purity before marriage, and that is without doubt the "ideal" situation. But should we leave all others who have failed (but repented and are now walking in obedience ) out in the cold?
I know I do not have the full picture, as I have never been married. So that's why I am asking for your wisdom here...Please would you share your experience (to the extent that you feel comfortable sharing?)
Thanks.
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RE: Waiting for sex - 6/27/2009 5:05:36 PM
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iluvatar
Posts: 3037
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: linarette
I know I do not have the full picture
Sounds to me like you have a pretty good handle on things.
One thing to be mindful of - when you're in a relationship, prepping for marriage, don't deny your urges by treating them as "dirty." Giving in may be sinful, but it's not an unnatural response. Associating sexual desire with feelings of shame, scorn, and "perversion" can cause problems when it becomes morally ok to act on those urges.
-Dan.
_____________________________
Well, I've been to one world fair, a picnic, and a rodeo, and that's the stupidest thing I ever heard come over a set of earphones.
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RE: Waiting for sex - 6/27/2009 10:18:37 PM
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linarette
Posts: 101
Joined: 5/2/2007
Status: offline
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Thanks to all who participated in the poll!!! Although, as I thought about it later, I realized it was sort of silly 
quote:
I think the standard should be a term of chastity, rather than virginity.
Thx 3Cmom...chastity should be the right word here!!!
quote:
One thing to be mindful of - when you're in a relationship, prepping for marriage, don't deny your urges by treating them as "dirty." Giving in may be sinful, but it's not an unnatural response. Associating sexual desire with feelings of shame, scorn, and "perversion" can cause problems when it becomes morally ok to act on those urges.
Thx for the advice...
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RE: Waiting for sex - 6/28/2009 2:45:11 PM
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Isaiah331516
Posts: 248
Joined: 1/5/2009
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Dan wrote
quote:
Giving in may be sinful, but it's not an unnatural response.
just wanting to clarify. are you implying it's okay to give in eventhough it is sin, or that we aren't to feel bad if we 'give in'?
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RE: Waiting for sex - 6/28/2009 2:54:56 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 4175
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Isaiah331516
Dan wrote
quote:
Giving in may be sinful, but it's not an unnatural response.
just wanting to clarify. are you implying it's okay to give in eventhough it is sin, or that we aren't to feel bad if we 'give in'?
I'm not Dan, but I agree with him, if he means that having sexual urges are natural whether one is married or not. Sexual desires are god given which He also gave appropriate boundaries on when those desires can be fulfilled, and that's within marriage. But to have those desires and to want to satisfy them whether in marriage or not is natural. Only the time and with whom the desire is directed that's sinful.
_____________________________
Search me, Oh God, and know my heart
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me, and
Lead me in the way everlasting Psalm 139:22-24
-------------------------------------
Go Steelers!!!
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RE: Waiting for sex - 6/28/2009 3:10:46 PM
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iluvatar
Posts: 3037
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Isaiah331516
Dan wrote
quote:
Giving in may be sinful, but it's not an unnatural response.
just wanting to clarify. are you implying it's okay to give in eventhough it is sin,
No.
quote:
or that we aren't to feel bad if we 'give in'?
No, but it's pretty easy to go overboard on the guilt.
It doesn't take a lot of mental gymnastics to go from seeing a certain activity as inappropriate for a particular setting/context to seeing it as something that's bad and dirty, particularly if your parents, pastor, and a bunch of people on the internet are telling you how bad it is to engage in that activity when you're not supposed to. And when nobody wants to discuss the realities of the subject in the first place, except to tell you not to do it, it's even easier.
FWIW, I do see signs that honest, realistic discussions of sex within the church are becoming more common place, but there's still plenty of stigma attached to it.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
I'm not Dan, but I agree with him, if he means that having sexual urges are natural whether one is married or not. Sexual desires are god given which He also gave appropriate boundaries on when those desires can be fulfilled, and that's within marriage. But to have those desires and to want to satisfy them whether in marriage or not is natural. Only the time and with whom the desire is directed that's sinful.
Yeah, what she said.
-Dan.
_____________________________
Well, I've been to one world fair, a picnic, and a rodeo, and that's the stupidest thing I ever heard come over a set of earphones.
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RE: Waiting for sex - 6/29/2009 1:44:41 PM
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DaveW
Posts: 3800
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
Status: offline
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quote:
It doesn't take a lot of mental gymnastics to go from seeing a certain activity as inappropriate for a particular setting/context to seeing it as something that's bad and dirty, And that is what the church taught most in my generation and the generation before us, etc. that any sexual desire is evil. They thought that it was a good way to keep young folk 'pure.' There was no account for hormonal issues, as all desire was thought to be from
Back in the 1800s it taught to be evil even if married. That teaching has caused a lot of stress in marriages for generations and in part IMO prompted the so-called "sexual revolution" of the '60s and its ensuing 'new morality' that has resulted in today's cultural norm of everyone being sexually active at earlier and earlier ages. If you throw off the yoke of harsh legalism you reap the pendulum swing into libertarianism.
I am encouraged to see a (somewhat) more healthy attitude being promoted in churches today.
< Message edited by DaveW -- 6/29/2009 1:55:48 PM >
_____________________________
Avatar is my daughter Laura and SIL David on their wedding 9/20/09 ====================================
Our CD is now available here:
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RE: Waiting for sex - 6/30/2009 9:59:32 AM
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BenQuebec
Posts: 1486
Joined: 2/28/2005
From: Québec, Canada
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: DaveW
I am encouraged to see a (somewhat) more healthy attitude being promoted in churches today.
I agree. My wife and I both waited till marriage, but until I was married, I had suppressed my natural feelings to the point where they were almost non-existant when I finally did get married. It took quite a while before we were both able to express ourselves comfortably to each other in this way.
As such, I see in retrospect that it can be unhealthy to suppress such desires, as the desire itself is not sinful. I had treated the desire as sinful for many years, and once I got married, it took a long time for my subconscious to turn the switch from "not okay" to "okay".
For the record, we enjoy each other immensely, as we have now for nearly seven years, but the first few months were more awkward than necessary.
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RE: Waiting for sex - 6/30/2009 10:11:22 AM
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nikls
Posts: 1
Joined: 6/29/2009
Status: offline
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RE: Waiting for sex - 7/1/2009 8:52:57 AM
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GrannyofSix
Posts: 128
Joined: 6/17/2009
Status: offline
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I totally agree with Ben - I was taught that all sex and sexually feelings were nasty and not to be even thought of much less recognized. So when I did get married, I was so embarrassed, I couldn't go to church for several weeks. I was married in church by our pastor, yet I felt like hiding my face because everybody knew "what I had done".
It took a long time to rid myself of the feelings of shame. Just because I went through a marriage ceremony, white dress and all, it didn't automatically change a life-time of teachings that it was nasty and wrong.
There has to be a middle of the road somewhere to teach young people to wait until marriage, but also it isn't nasty, shameful or sinful, but will be beautiful in a marriage. I lost years and years because of the teachings of shame that my mother put on me in her efforts to make sure that I stayed a Virgin. I didn't need that. I had morals, standards, values, ethics and self-esteem, but I was deeply committed to living a life to please Jesus even at the age of 18. I never considered having sex before marriage. On top of that, the first time that I was alone with my new husband was when we left the reception after the wedding. Not much chance to indulge when our dates consisted of going to church, being with the youth at church, or sitting and watching TV with my family.
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RE: Waiting for sex - 7/1/2009 12:56:42 PM
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GraceyGirl
Posts: 317
Joined: 6/4/2006
Status: offline
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We didn't wait, but wish we had. One of the things we learned from the experience is that while it's naturally to be sexually attracted and even excited, there is something amazing about the experience of your "first time" that really should be shared on the night you become "one."
_____________________________
God called. He'd like His church back.
~John Wimber~
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RE: Waiting for sex - 7/7/2009 2:10:24 PM
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StephenJ
Posts: 238
Joined: 12/3/2007
Status: offline
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And me to the list of people who was made to feel like having sexual urges or desires was bad growing up. I'm not married or anything, but I can see how this might have an effect on someone once they were.
_____________________________
Rock on!
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RE: Waiting for sex - 7/11/2009 11:30:34 PM
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Jaimediaz
Posts: 8
Status: offline
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I was surprised by the question,coming from a young virgen lady.Any way here is may personnal point of view,according to the scriptures I have read for 25 years. and my personnel and family experience.
By the way I have being,through 2 long marriages,and my father and mother also had some of them.
Anybody that has arrived virgin to marriage IS A BLESSING.Generally is not the case.Some are,dramatic cases,but not very rear;includes violations,insests,abusses,estupidities,etc.
Other than virgin, voluntary or not are plain sins.And we don`t have valid excuses fo this.So we will live with the consecuncies,ALL our life.We can`t full around with it, we have to ask pardon for this,and still be honest to pay the consecuencies.Even in some cases, adultery and fornication can take place in our minds and risky actions, for who we have to ask pardon,a well-God can`t be sheeted and He does take sin seriously.
So, if anybody is virgin, as Linaret here,stay virgin, because it will almost garantee a blessd marriage.
< Message edited by Jaimediaz -- 7/12/2009 1:37:07 AM >
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RE: Waiting for sex - 7/13/2009 1:10:13 AM
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keithyhuntington
Posts: 814
Joined: 7/7/2009
From: Tulsa, Okla.
Status: offline
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where the option for "we both waited; problems"??
i kid, i kid.
_____________________________
Jesus Christ please help me 'cause i'm lonely. Whats the use in living, if you can't make a good living?
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RE: Waiting for sex - 7/13/2009 1:40:45 AM
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Godhead
Posts: 289
Joined: 1/28/2006
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Jaimediaz
So, if anybody is virgin, as Linaret here,stay virgin, because it will almost garantee a blessd marriage.
I agree with that totally. I am just grateful that our God does not require a virgin sacrifice every year. That would be an impossible order to fill. I thank God that one was enouph.
_____________________________
"Faith consists in the knowledge of God and Christ. It is always by his word that he manifests himself to those whom he designs to draw to himself." (John Calvin)
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RE: Waiting for sex - 7/13/2009 10:36:30 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 2186
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Linarette
I know the biblical standard of purity before marriage, and that is without doubt the "ideal" situation. But should we leave all others who have failed (but repented and are now walking in obedience ) out in the cold?
No. As others have said, a person who sinned in this area but repented and has been chaste for years has proved (to me, anyway) their sincerity in walking with Christ. God has forgiven them, and no one is holier than God in order to hold this against them. At this point there may be problems, but they are practical rather than spiritual.
quote:
ORIGINAL: DaveW
And that is what the church taught most in my generation and the generation before us, etc. that any sexual desire is evil.
I agree with you, Dave - this is so unbiblical. These people were trying to deal with purity and sin according to the flesh, not God's truth. What a trap.
So many people talk about lust when they mean desire. Desire is God-given and finds it's fulfillment in marriage; God says it's "very good." Lust is going overboard, fulfilling itself before marriage or with strange flesh or porn or obsession. There is no satisfaction in this and no blessing, but condemnation from God.
Hurray for biblical desire and God's good provision!
_____________________________
"Through Gates of Splendor" by Elizabeth Elliot
"Federal Husband" by Doug Wilson
www.biblegateway.com for online concordance (I use it daily)
"Passion and Purity" by Elizabeth Elliot
And I think chickens are really funny
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RE: Waiting for sex - 7/14/2009 1:19:09 AM
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micharmony
Posts: 30
Joined: 7/12/2009
Status: offline
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Dude, where's the last logical option?
"We both waited; Problems."
Want to know why I ask? Because in marriage, both my wife and I waited, and we still had problems. There were problems getting used to it, there were problems learning about the other person's acclamation to it, there were problems related to it being used as reward or punishment, there were just problems, hehe.
I don't mean to make light of anything serious, but it's a little unrealistic to think you will never have problems related to sex just because you're both virgins. Is it good to wait? Yes, and I'm thoroughly glad we did; many benefits to that, regardless of our immaturity. However, don't be a virgin because "it will let me escape problems". You could very well be surprised, to someone's harm.
All the best to you!
_____________________________
Grace,
Michael
Ezk. 34:31
I have a feeling God thinks it rather cute that we all think we understand him completely.
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