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What do you say about your family size? - 11/5/2009 10:21:42 PM
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Homegrownkids
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I KNOW we must not be the only family out there that has had people come to my husband or I and ask us if we are done having kids, or after we just had a baby if one of us will be getting "fixed". What do you say to this? It doesn't seem to matter if we have 2 kids, or 6...sometimes people say things. I know there have been other posts on family size...so I don't want this to be another post about how big is too big for a family. I just would like to know if other families have had similar comments and how do you respond?
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RE: What do you say about your family size? - 11/5/2009 10:41:37 PM
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Krislynx
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I'm expecting our second and since that will bless us with a boy and a girl we are getting a ridiculous number of "perfect family" comments. Which really annoy us. We were only planning on one child and were quite happy with our family size. That is NOT to say that we are unhappy about baby number 2! Quite the opposite, we are very, very happy about our baby-on-the-way. Right now we are at either the "smile and nod/say something non-commital" stage or the give them the "you didn't really mean to say that out loud,did you?" look. Fortunately our oldest is only 2 so he doesn't understand the comments. To me it is just plain rude to imply that he wasn't "enough" or "good enough" on his own by saying that our family is only now complete.
Kris
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RE: What do you say about your family size? - 11/5/2009 10:55:00 PM
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SurpassingPeace
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We have a boy and a girl so we get the perfect family stuff as well. So, if I had two girls we would be imperfect? We also get the "so you are done now, right?' I am not sure why strangers are so vested in our family. But I usually give a little laugh, pat them on the arm, and say, "Well, that is really more up to God than us now isn't it? I find that usually leaves them without anything to say.
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Karen
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RE: What do you say about your family size? - 11/6/2009 12:49:08 AM
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WanderingLamb
Posts: 275
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From: Western WA, USA
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We had a boy and a girl, but when we had our second boy, we got comments like, "why did you have another one? It was perfect the way it was!" I didn't take that too seriously but it did kind of make me feel bad. Now people ask me the question, "are you done?" pretty frequently. I am not really annoyed by that. In fact, I've asked others that question myself. I do find it hard to say exactly what I think in a quick answer though! Basically, we are not saying "NO MORE" but we are also not trying for the time being! It's just a big MAYBE. But I'm leaning toward the feeling that our family is complete. My daughter keeps asking me to adopt a girl her age though LOL!
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John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
I'm being brainwashed.
Romans 12:2
Ephesians 5:26
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RE: What do you say about your family size? - 11/6/2009 1:08:06 AM
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OneOfHisJewels
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Well, I don't have kids, so I haven't run into this as a parent, but if someone is just sweetly interested/admiring of you, then just be friendly and answer questions, but if they are truly being rude, I always thought a good comeback would be...
I don't ask you about your house payment, please don't pry into my intimate life.
-----------------------------------------
I came from a family of four girls (which is not enormous by any means), but one sister was handicapped, so usually the questions were about her, and people weren't usually rude about it. What I didn't like though, was when I was just a kid, and people would ask me the questions instead of my parents, especially when they then corrected my answers. 
And like I said, our family size wasn't usually commented on, but one dinner guest said we had a "million" kids and kept making a big deal about how many four was like the whole night.  My dad had made apologetic noises about the house being a mess, and the guy said that's what happens when you have a million kids. What irked me about that was most of the mess was my dad's (all his junk mail and magazines and stuff.) I was glad when that guy went home.
Some people are just rude no matter what.
On the other hand, I HAVE met people IRL who are rude in the other direction (they make it clear that because they have a big family they are more righteous than someone who only has one or two) and IMO that is just as bad( I am NOT talking about anyone on CW).
< Message edited by OneOfHisJewels -- 11/6/2009 1:16:01 AM >
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Wizard's rule #1 .People can be stupid and willfully deceived (that's from the book, not the show)..slightly edited for CW
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RE: What do you say about your family size? - 11/6/2009 7:08:50 AM
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BlessedMamaofmany
Posts: 1709
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I've been noticing less borderline rude comments. Maybe it's because I tune them out LOL. Usually I get the, "Oh you have your hands full!" along with a look of shock or pity.
Really, it doesn't bother me anymore. I usually just say, "I sure do!" with a BIG smile.
Some people are just jerks.
Sadly, the rudest comments come from certain members of our family  At my husband's aunt's funeral HIS DAD made comments about him (My hubby) "not being able to keep 'it' in his pants" It's a good thing I wasn't there. I would NOT have been as graceful as Justin was. 
Try to keep it simple is my advice.
"Are you getting fixed?"
"Nothing is broken, thanks"
"Are you done yet"
"God is never done with us!"
Things like that. I think you if answer simply, and cheerfully they'll probably leave ya alone.
A few people asked me after we had Babbie if were done and I simply said "No".
_____________________________
Atheism: The belief that there was nothing, nothing happened to nothing, then nothing magically exploded for no reason, creating everything, then a bunch of everything magically rearranged itself into self-replicating bits that then turned into dinosaurs
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RE: What do you say about your family size? - 11/6/2009 7:29:09 AM
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Sideways
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Krislynx
To me it is just plain rude to imply that he wasn't "enough" or "good enough" on his own by saying that our family is only now complete.
Oh, that's a good point. I don't know if parents of larger families know the nonsense that gets spewed to parents of only 1 child. My boss had 1 child, and he heard all sorts of stuff about how he was hurting his child by not giving her a sibling. For the record she was a very nice girl who looked quite happy as best I could tell. Good friends of ours have 1 child and they intend to keep it that way, but they've gotten the comments, as well.
Sandy, I have only 2 kids, but they're both under 3 and sometimes they choose to act up at exactly the same time, so I get the "you must have have your hands full" comments, too. But I must live in a more kid-friendly area, because folks here will deliver that line with more of a chuckle, as in "I've been there, too, and some days it kinda sucks." 3 or 4 kids are pretty common here, and even 5 isn't all that unusual, but by 6 or more you'd have people visibly counting all of the children swarming around you.  We got "Are you done?" after our daughter's birth, but to be honest, it never bothered me. I just thought people like to make conversation.
I once saw 4 boys around 1 lady at Publix. They were obviously high-energy, but well behaved. They were moving so fast I had trouble counting them, but I looked up at the mom at smiled and said "Wow, four boys!" She smiled back and said "Nope. Five boys" just as the fifth came running out of the bathroom. We laughed and went on our way. Another time I met a lady with three boys, ages 3, 2 and 1. I admit, in my head I was thinking "Did you plan this or not?" But I refrained, because I didn't want to be rude. We have several five kid families at our church.
_____________________________
Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. If you see a crocodile, don't forget to scream.
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RE: What do you say about your family size? - 11/6/2009 7:40:07 AM
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Krislynx
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I have to admit if I am talking to another mom at the library or whatever I will sometimes ask if they have/want more. At story times for 2 year olds it is not always obvious how many kids someone has just by the number you see! But it is typically part of chatting, and questions in a similar context don't bother me at all. It is mostly the "perfect family" nonsense that annoys me, and even more so Mark.
Kris
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RE: What do you say about your family size? - 11/6/2009 7:45:27 AM
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kohls356
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We have three girls so when we got pregnant with our third we heard the question are you trying for a boy? I also heard it when I got pregnant a 4th and 5th time but miscarried, people just assumed we were trying for "that boy". Other than that we didn't get comments. I did hear things like I must have my hands full when they were little but that didn't bother me, I never took that comment as being rude.
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RE: What do you say about your family size? - 11/6/2009 8:18:43 AM
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3cappuccinosmom
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Most comments I don't take as rude, just people spouting the first thing that comes into their head. The "hands full" comment doesn't bother me anymore. My kids are a handful. And I love it. 
However, when people start talking about how we must be "trying for a girl", or how sad it is that we three of our children turned out to be boys, or asking me if we're "done", I do get annoyed.
Our standard answer is along the lines of "No, we're not trying for a girl. We'd be happy to have more children of any gender. But really, that's up to God and we'll let him decide." sometimes I like to make jaws drop and say "Well, I'd love a girl, but I'd also be happy with, oh, 10 boys. Don't you think that sounds fun?". 
I'm not sure why people think that we have any control over our children's gender. Or why they insist on telling me (in front of my kids) that at least one of them was born the wrong gender. No, it's not "too bad he wasn't a girl, so you could quit"  What do they think I should do, just abort any further boys until I get "my girl" or "get fixed" because there's no reason to have more children aside from trying to get a particular gender and obviously we're a failure at that? I don't think most people mean harm by saying these things. IMO the "perfect family" model (and the idea that we have the ability to have one boy and one girl by our own will) has been so ingrained in society that a lot of people never stop to think how downright stupid it is. 
< Message edited by 3cappuccinosmom -- 11/6/2009 8:28:30 AM >
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RE: What do you say about your family size? - 11/6/2009 9:09:47 AM
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BlessedMamaofmany
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lol Ruth! I don't mind comment so much when my kids are being stinkers...like today! ( )...but sometimes just by sheer virtue of us being there, we get it. Truly, it doesn't offend me. I don't mind people asking how many kids I have, or commenting with kindness or curiosity.
It's the (rare) rude comments or pity I don't like.
For the most part, people are cool.
Really, unless you want to start a debate or talk for a long time, it's best to just keep it simple, friendly and cheerful.
_____________________________
Atheism: The belief that there was nothing, nothing happened to nothing, then nothing magically exploded for no reason, creating everything, then a bunch of everything magically rearranged itself into self-replicating bits that then turned into dinosaurs
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RE: What do you say about your family size? - 11/6/2009 9:58:55 AM
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Consecrated2God
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I don't really get too much flack about it anymore. I used to all the time when they were little and I looked like the mother duck with her trail of ducklings. But now that my oldest are getting taller than me, I think everyone is just impressed into silence. We do get a lot of stares, but I don't mind too much anymore.
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"A faith that can be destroyed by suffering is not faith."--Richard Wurmbrand
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RE: What do you say about your family size? - 11/6/2009 10:26:55 AM
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Tinkerbell_
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Even though I'm single I still hear, "Gonna try for a girl next?"
Well...I didn't exactly "try" for a boy.
Or my favourite is, "You don't need anymore!"
Okay...if I had more I would be married and by then it's up to G-d.
I have mentioned the "handful" to people who have a lot of children but it's usually in good humour. I have two boys so I can't imagine how more would be. I hope to find out though.
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When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Will you be strong enough to be my man?
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RE: What do you say about your family size? - 11/6/2009 10:33:04 AM
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Sideways
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What does everyone here think of those who would deliberately choose a 1 child family, and not those who struggle with infertility? Is that off topic?
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Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. If you see a crocodile, don't forget to scream.
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RE: What do you say about your family size? - 11/6/2009 10:35:16 AM
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Consecrated2God
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Sideways
What does everyone here think of those who would deliberately choose a 1 child family, and not those who struggle with infertility? Is that off topic?
I think they are crazy, but it's none of my business. But really, of the people I know who have only one child, I don't think any of them goes around telling everyone why they only have one, anyway. So I just don't assume anything either way.
_____________________________
"A faith that can be destroyed by suffering is not faith."--Richard Wurmbrand
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RE: What do you say about your family size? - 11/6/2009 11:03:39 AM
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Auben
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I've noticed the 'must have a boy and a girl' thing too. I don't mind 'you're busy!' or 'oh my, all boys!' because people usually mean that kindly (or at least agree with me that they're so fun and such nice boys). It is weird to be asked if we're going to have a 5th because we don't have a girl or comment that we had more then 2 because we kept having boys. That's weird.
And about singletons or non child families I don't comment. We can't know what's going on within that family or if those people feel qualified for more children or what physical problems are happening (more then one woman of my acquaintance has a miracle baby and struggles with wishing she could have more).
Do I feel sorry for that one child inside? Yes, because my whole experience is based on having siblings (raised and raising) and I love that. However I feel content inviting them over for the warm chaos which is a house with all boys (and they usually love it).
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~Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time~
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RE: What do you say about your family size? - 11/6/2009 11:31:34 AM
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peculiar_lady2
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Sideways
Now, be honest, big families... have you ever said anything to a 1-child family about how they need to give their child a sibling? 
No. I have friends and family that did not choose to stop at just 1, and I would consider it rude to question that about their family size in that way. If they were talking with me about family size, and it came up, I might question what they wanted to do, but I would not ever say what they need to do.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Sideways
What does everyone here think of those who would deliberately choose a 1 child family, and not those who struggle with infertility? Is that off topic?
That's between them and God. If they were struggling against God and saying absolutely NO to more just because of selfish reasons, then that's something they have to fight God about. However, if they just are happy with the one and don't feel like God is leading them to have more, then more power to them. God leads, and where He leads I would hope and pray others would choose to follow. It's a hard decision sometimes to give over control of something, but God requires each of us to give over certain parts of our lives to Him and His control for good reason. We sometimes can't say why He chooses that area (whether it's kids, where we live, finances, whatever) of our lives to control, but obviously He has a higher purpose for us because of giving over that area of our lives.
We have had a lot of comments through the years, but like others have said, the rudest comment unfortunately have come from family. We esp got it when we had our first two...a boy then a girl. Then there is a 4 year (unplanned) gap in our kids ages. So we got that A LOT.
I have seen some of the rudest people give my brother and SIL flack for their decisions...and that gets on my nerves. They have been married 6 months less then me and my hubby, and they are still choosing to not have kids yet. A few years ago at one of his family gatherings, one of my SIL's aunt's made a comment to me about how we already had 4 and how my brother needed to get on the ball and get on with things and "give her sister a grandchild". Well, My SIL and I have talked about this often, and they just aren't ready. The Aunt started being really snarky though, and talking down to my SIL right there in front of me (a total stranger to her). So I chimed in with a comment about how we should talk about the sex lives of everyone there...that shut her up quickly.
I don't care how many kids you have...that's between you, your spouse, and God. I DO NOT like others being snarky or rude about your personal decision though. It's just your decision, not theirs. Mine won't be yours..that's why it is MINE.
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Proud to be... 
"When God said 'brains', some thought He said 'trains' and got on the wrong track" -Maxine
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RE: What do you say about your family size? - 11/6/2009 11:38:10 AM
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Ellie-Mae
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I have asked parents of one child if they are planning on having more children or if they are done. I ask only once because I want to encourage them and not discourage them. Whatever their answer, it is the right one as far as I am concerned. ETA:Ths is a question that I ask friends... not strangers.
I have found that a lot of parents of single children are concerned about socialization for their kids so I will try to get together with them with my kids.
When people tell me that I look like I have my hands full, I respond with a big smile and say, "Yes! I wouldn't have it any other way." or "Yes! I just love it!" or "Yes! It is a great excuse to still play a lot!" I get that a lot!
I hated it when people assumed that I was trying for a girl. I would just tell them that I was hoping that I was having one of each. That would leave a lot of people speechless. I am sure that between my mini-train of children and my huMONGus belly that it really gave them something to think about.
< Message edited by Ellie-Mae -- 11/6/2009 11:45:50 AM >
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"You can" makes no difference. "You will" changes the world.
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RE: What do you say about your family size? - 11/6/2009 11:57:59 AM
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KaptZ
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From: The swamps of Jersey
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Hah! people can't help themselves sometimes!
I just say that we decided that when #2 gets here in a few months we're done! My wife has had one difficult pregnancy and this one, though better, has not been a cakewalk either. I'm gettin' fixed. No doubt about it.
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