|
|
|
|
|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
What is Marriage? - 9/30/2009 9:08:09 AM
|
|
|
LoyalFriend
Posts: 28
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline
|
We wake up go to work, come home he walks dog, he relaxes, I come home later and cook dinner. We eat dinner together, talk about the day, one of us takes care of the dishes it differs from day to day, I may do a load of clothes and that's it. He falls on the sofa and is glued to the TV for the night, so I get online, read or call someone. Use to watch TV together, but I got tired of watching TV every night and we don't really watch it together anyway with him laying on the sofa. Every night I try to stop what I am doing to go to bed at the same time with him. He gives a kiss goodnight and goes straight to sleep. Saturday do some work around the house, watch football together and go to dinner. Sunday go to church, maybe lunch with church friends and grocery shop. Also, give or take other events we may do on occasion. Whenever he decides he wants sex we have sex and some weeks we do and a number of weeks we don't at all. We have had many talks about lack of intimacy, spiritual life and everything else, but he see's our life as the normal happy married life and that my expectations of wanting more or excitement as off.
All these years later is this what marriage is to be like?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What is Marriage? - 9/30/2009 9:23:30 AM
|
|
|
bolt.
Posts: 1759
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
Status: offline
|
The transitions get smoother and the sexual initiation gets more natural and egalitarian -- but on the whole, 11 years later, that's what my marriage looks like. Except that my dh & I also share our shower time eavery 2nd or 3rd evening before bed. I think that helps keep us close.
I'm not sure whether you are trying to talk around an umet need that you have, or whether you just hold some styles of recreation / relaxation in contempt and are transfering that assessment to your husband.
Every person is unique. That sytle of marriage does suit-and-satisfy many people. But your husband did not marry 'many people' -- he chose you! And if there are some ways your relationship could be more satisfying to you, there are way to begin to make those things as much a part of your weekly rhythem as any of these other activities. But first you will have to tell us what those unmet needs are.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What is Marriage? - 9/30/2009 9:54:42 AM
|
|
|
ctpruitt
Posts: 399
Joined: 4/25/2009
Status: offline
|
Yeah...the marriage experience differs from one couple to the next...I don't think my wife has ever actually watched tv with me in 15 years! Anyway, if you have a specific problem that you want addressed...tell him!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What is Marriage? - 9/30/2009 9:57:23 AM
|
|
|
Szaftoo
Posts: 502
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: So. Calif.
Status: offline
|
What would be his reaction if you introduced something new and different (not sexual) to your day-to-day routine?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What is Marriage? - 9/30/2009 10:46:03 AM
|
|
|
LoyalFriend
Posts: 28
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: bolt.
The transitions get smoother and the sexual initiation gets more natural and egalitarian -- but on the whole, 11 years later, that's what my marriage looks like. Except that my dh & I also share our shower time eavery 2nd or 3rd evening before bed. I think that helps keep us close.
I'm not sure whether you are trying to talk around an umet need that you have, or whether you just hold some styles of recreation / relaxation in contempt and are transfering that assessment to your husband.
Every person is unique. That sytle of marriage does suit-and-satisfy many people. But your husband did not marry 'many people' -- he chose you! And if there are some ways your relationship could be more satisfying to you, there are way to begin to make those things as much a part of your weekly rhythem as any of these other activities. But first you will have to tell us what those unmet needs are.
I would say there is unmet needs. I want his attention, I want to be more intimate, I want to play more, I want to be engaged with one another, I want to have a interesting relationship and persue one another. He makes a good roomie and he is one heck of a good friend to me. He does compliment me. I love him so much, but I want more that a roomie and a friend. What's the different between being married and being roomies?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What is Marriage? - 9/30/2009 10:51:50 AM
|
|
|
LoyalFriend
Posts: 28
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: Szaftoo
What would be his reaction if you introduced something new and different (not sexual) to your day-to-day routine?
He may or may not like it. I have tried to play a game and he did it once, but called it quits after 30 minutes. Returned to TV.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What is Marriage? - 9/30/2009 11:40:56 AM
|
|
|
bolt.
Posts: 1759
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
Status: offline
|
quote:
I want his attention, I want to be more intimate, I want to play more, I want to be engaged with one another, I want to have a interesting relationship and peruse one another.
OK, excellent. You've identified your needs.
The next step is to recognize that if it is your need, then is is your job to be initiating the stuff, setting the setting that's might make these things more likely, that sort of thing. It is not a job he is doing poorly, if these are unmet... it's a job you are learning how to do well. There's no problem with that, so it is important to leave the vague sense of resentment or disappointment behind you as you set out boldly to help form your marriage into something that works well for you. He is not to blame.
(1) You want his attention. Be engaging, open, cheerful... and good looking helps too. You are obviously already the kind of woman that catches his attention, since he focused on you for dating in the first place. Being your best self should be enough to get him to focus on you reasonably often.
(2) You want to be more intimate: This one is easy. Be more intimate... touch him, kiss him, rub his feet, pick up his hand and settle it around your shoulder, resting on your breast. Do it selflessly, being the giver that enjoys giving, not hoping for a return. I doubt he's going to shove you away. The more normal you make these things seem (by doing them) the more he is likely to catch on to the 'climate' and do it himself. He won't even notice he's changing.
(3) You want to play more: OK, this is a double approach -- firstly you like to be playful, but you may not have married a man with that inclination, so you should find a window of time to be playful with a friend or a group of friends. Secondly, of course you want to be playful in your marriage, where your deepest soul abides, so again, with the planning it yourself. Tease him at the dinner table, put on a fake voice and pretend to be the waitress, grin and stick your tongue out. Again, this will change the 'climate' and he will probably come to delight in your silly side.
(4) You want to be engaged with one another: Tell him about yourself, who you are, how you think, what things make you feel what ways -- while telling stories about your day or random things about growing up, or any old thing. When he tells you stories, try to tease those elements out saying, "It sounds like you really hate it when..." etc. Soon you will know each other's character and temperament pretty well, and you will laugh when the deep tendencies come out again and again in the stories.
(5) You want to have an interesting relationship: Find out his interests, his opinions, topics that he can talk about -- then get interested in them. Don't make all your talking about 'us' -- that's boring. The issue of you two loving each other and being married forever is settled, so the details of enhancing the relationship are not that spectacular. This may mean that you could follow his shows, if his interests are really that narrow, or listen to what he talks about with others. Again, once this becomes a 'climate' and interesting chatter seems normal, you won't have to restrict yourself to topics that only pertain to him. You will probably always have to be the conversation starter though, but that's OK, as long as he is an active participant.
(6) You want to peruse one another: Then you need space. Nobody pursues somebody who is sitting in the other room easy as pie. To be pursued, delighted in, desired, one must not be constantly present and available. Get a hobby or a project, join a group or go to the gym regularly. Then when you are around, he recognizes that's better than when you are not around.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What is Marriage? - 9/30/2009 11:44:37 AM
|
|
|
herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1466
Joined: 3/13/2009
Status: online
|
How about one night a week where the two of you go out somehwere togather. Maybe for a meal, to the movies, or whatever you fancy. dh and I go out for coffee or lunch quite frequently as he works at home. Maybe have a weekend away every 2 or 3 months.We do that and it really helps.
Go on a marriage enrichment course or marriage weekend. once a year or so, that has also benefitted us and gets both of us fucused on each other. Read the five love languages together and when you have found out what yours are, make the effort to meet each others love language needs.I am guessing that yours is quality time (as mine is also).If he is spending all his spare time watching tv that isnt quality time for you.(and wouldnt be for me)
The trouble is it is so easy just to vegetate in from of the tv, which is why we rarely watch it. Tell him how you feel and sit down togather and work out how you can put some of these things into practise.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What is Marriage? - 9/30/2009 11:59:01 AM
|
|
|
LoyalFriend
Posts: 28
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: herestoresmysoul
How about one night a week where the two of you go out somehwere togather. Maybe for a meal, to the movies, or whatever you fancy. dh and I go out for coffee or lunch quite frequently as he works at home. Maybe have a weekend away every 2 or 3 months.We do that and it really helps.
Go on a marriage enrichment course or marriage weekend. once a year or so, that has also benefitted us and gets both of us fucused on each other. Read the five love languages together and when you have found out what yours are, make the effort to meet each others love language needs.I am guessing that yours is quality time (as mine is also).If he is spending all his spare time watching tv that isnt quality time for you.(and wouldnt be for me)
The trouble is it is so easy just to vegetate in from of the tv, which is why we rarely watch it. Tell him how you feel and sit down togather and work out how you can put some of these things into practise.
Would you believe we have done 7 Love Languages twice. His is quality times, then gifts and words. Mine is physical touch. I like to engage physically like sex, but really all kinds of touch tickling, pillow fights, hand holding and hugs. We do them some. To him watching TV in the same room is spending quality time. He likes me to golf with him some. I drive the cart and he plays. It's a new hobby he has just taken up. Is that him engaging me?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What is Marriage? - 9/30/2009 12:15:44 PM
|
|
|
bolt.
Posts: 1759
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
Status: offline
|
The golf thing is his attempt at making it easy for you to meet his needs (quality time) in a way that works for both of you. Its' a great move on his part. What would be good for you is to introduce some physicality and playfulness into that scenario. For example, you can hand his clubs to him, and have him 'pay' you with a kiss for each club, then you can be a bit silly about it, requiring a 'better' kiss for the heavier clubs etc.
If watching the same TV show in the same room meets a need that you know he has, why are you disdaining it? It seems like a dead-easy option to me. Just do it for an hour or two every few days -- it's your way of putting him first. While you do that, also add, as you like, physicality and playfulness. Then it meets mostly his needs, but some of yours too.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What is Marriage? - 9/30/2009 12:16:35 PM
|
|
|
herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1466
Joined: 3/13/2009
Status: online
|
Yes for a man watching tv with him probably is quality time.It is different for women as we want their attention on us for it to be quality time otherwise it isnt. Hense the suggestion of going out togather for a meal,or away for weekends as there are no distractions.
Yes also the golf/hobbies thing is important for men.
In the book called 'His needs her needs how to affair proof your marriage' it says that men love their wives to do things like that with them, ie going fishing, golfing, or whatever it is. That for them is REALLY important. They dont have to talk all the time, but just being together, and their wives showing an interest in what they enjoy is so important.
My husband used to go kyaking when we met, and I sometimes went to his competitions with him. He was so pleased as he said his ex wife NEVER went to anything with him or showed ANY interest in it. How sad. It doesnt take much effort to do this does it.
< Message edited by herestoresmysoul -- 9/30/2009 12:26:59 PM >
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What is Marriage? - 9/30/2009 12:20:54 PM
|
|
|
herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1466
Joined: 3/13/2009
Status: online
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: bolt.
The golf thing is his attempt at making it easy for you to meet his needs (quality time) in a way that works for both of you. Its' a great move on his part. What would be good for you is to introduce some physicality and playfulness into that scenario. For example, you can hand his clubs to him, and have him 'pay' you with a kiss for each club, then you can be a bit silly about it, requiring a 'better' kiss for the heavier clubs etc.
If watching the same TV show in the same room meets a need that you know he has, why are you disdaining it? It seems like a dead-easy option to me. Just do it for an hour or two every few days -- it's your way of putting him first. While you do that, also add, as you like, physicality and playfulness. Then it meets mostly his needs, but some of yours too.
yes good point about the TV. We sometimes watch something together (not that often though) and we will cuddle or he will lie with his head on my lap and that is a good way to get some of thet physical touch that you want.lol I also love physical touch and quality time. You dont have to do that ALL evening, but do it when he is watching something that you like as well, or maybe even hire a good film that you both like.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What is Marriage? - 9/30/2009 12:34:06 PM
|
|
|
laura...
Posts: 3280
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: LoyalFriend
quote:
ORIGINAL: herestoresmysoul
How about one night a week where the two of you go out somehwere togather. Maybe for a meal, to the movies, or whatever you fancy. dh and I go out for coffee or lunch quite frequently as he works at home. Maybe have a weekend away every 2 or 3 months.We do that and it really helps.
Go on a marriage enrichment course or marriage weekend. once a year or so, that has also benefitted us and gets both of us fucused on each other. Read the five love languages together and when you have found out what yours are, make the effort to meet each others love language needs.I am guessing that yours is quality time (as mine is also).If he is spending all his spare time watching tv that isnt quality time for you.(and wouldnt be for me)
The trouble is it is so easy just to vegetate in from of the tv, which is why we rarely watch it. Tell him how you feel and sit down togather and work out how you can put some of these things into practise.
Would you believe we have done 7 Love Languages twice. His is quality times, then gifts and words. Mine is physical touch. I like to engage physically like sex, but really all kinds of touch tickling, pillow fights, hand holding and hugs. We do them some. To him watching TV in the same room is spending quality time. He likes me to golf with him some. I drive the cart and he plays. It's a new hobby he has just taken up. Is that him engaging me?
As you start to meet his need for quality time you'll find that he will meet your need for physical touch more.
I suggest you start golfing with him instead of just driving the cart. The two of you learning to golf together will be an exciting challenge and bonding opportunity. The competition could be very fun. Plus there's always the winner's prize. &:)
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What is Marriage? - 10/1/2009 3:16:20 PM
|
|
|
LoyalFriend
Posts: 28
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline
|
I was affectionate last night during dinner which I often am. After dinner he retired with his laptop and watched TV. There is no point for me to sit in a chair and watch TV when he could care less if I am in the room or not. He is watching TV. Came to bed in time to sleep, that's it. I persue him and I get nothing. Sure he is a good and all, but that doesn't help when I get hurt or feel not loved. We have talked about this too many times.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What is Marriage? - 10/1/2009 4:30:44 PM
|
|
|
jaimestarcross
Posts: 539
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline
|
If the tv is the one thing that occupies too much time - then shut off the cable/satellite.
Me and my hubby did that prior to moving - and since we were so busy with getting our
"new" place painted, new flooring installed, making drywall repairs; and updating the light fixtures, had a microwave intalled above the range - (there was little time for tv watching anyway. We both saw how tv can consume a lot of time and we agreed not to have cable/satellite hook up.)
You and your spouse could be available to help out others who are in need... by assisting at a local shelter/outreach. There are elderly/low income family/shut-ins who could use a helping hand with either housecleaning, respite/relief care, transportation to grocery store once a week or drive them to the doctor for their appointment... just some examples of things people could use some help with.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What is Marriage? - 10/1/2009 10:37:15 PM
|
|
|
bolt.
Posts: 1759
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
Status: offline
|
quote:
I was affectionate last night during dinner which I often am. After dinner he retired with his laptop and watched TV. There is no point for me to sit in a chair and watch TV when he could care less if I am in the room or not. He is watching TV. Came to bed in time to sleep, that's it. I pursue him and I get nothing. Sure he is a good and all, but that doesn't help when I get hurt or feel not loved. We have talked about this too many times.
Let me see if I understand the sequence of events:
(1) During dinner, you took action to get your own needs met, and it was neither unusual nor unsatisfying.
(2) After dinner, you noticed an opportunity to meet his needs, but you intentionally avoided it, using reasoning that you know is false. (You already told us that you understand that having you nearby during TV time meets an emotional need in him.)
(3) You felt under-cherished and injured.
(4) You went to bed together, but felt distant.
I just don't get where you think it's OK to ignore a good opportunity to show love, and instead spend that same time stewing over how you don't get shown enough love. Not to mention that your needs did get met during dinner, and his did not get met at all that evening.
I don't see where you 'pursued him' -- if you were pursuing him, you'd meet him where he is happiest. You did not pursue him at dinner, as you've already told us that you know he does not respond to that style of affection. You did it because you like it and because you like it (which is a really good idea) and because you have love to express -- but why did you not just enjoy the affectionate dinner you created?
How does he hurt you by having an affectionate dinner with you, followed by offering some easier less interactive companionship for the rest of the evening? How is that not indicative of a loving relationship?
Did you expect to change the 'climate' of your home in the space of one meal? I'm sorry if I gave that impression. I was talking about a subtle shift over the course of months -- mostly based on you modeling selfless giving, as well as the creation of opportunities for your own needs to be met naturally. It's not a vending machine proposition. You don't pay in, then get a pay off, and then evaluate if the effort was worth the satisfaction.
It's also not your husband's fault that a nice meal is not sufficient closeness in a given evening, for a person of your temperament. You are who you are, but, primarily, you are responsible to be managing your situations so as to address your own needs. That job doesn't just fall to a spouse because they are nearby and in love with you That helps, but you are still an individual responsible for your own happiness.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What is Marriage? - 10/2/2009 10:15:52 AM
|
|
|
LoyalFriend
Posts: 28
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: bolt.
quote:
I was affectionate last night during dinner which I often am. After dinner he retired with his laptop and watched TV. There is no point for me to sit in a chair and watch TV when he could care less if I am in the room or not. He is watching TV. Came to bed in time to sleep, that's it. I pursue him and I get nothing. Sure he is a good and all, but that doesn't help when I get hurt or feel not loved. We have talked about this too many times.
Let me see if I understand the sequence of events:
(1) During dinner, you took action to get your own needs met, and it was neither unusual nor unsatisfying.
(2) After dinner, you noticed an opportunity to meet his needs, but you intentionally avoided it, using reasoning that you know is false. (You already told us that you understand that having you nearby during TV time meets an emotional need in him.)
(3) You felt under-cherished and injured.
(4) You went to bed together, but felt distant.
I just don't get where you think it's OK to ignore a good opportunity to show love, and instead spend that same time stewing over how you don't get shown enough love. Not to mention that your needs did get met during dinner, and his did not get met at all that evening.
I don't see where you 'pursued him' -- if you were pursuing him, you'd meet him where he is happiest. You did not pursue him at dinner, as you've already told us that you know he does not respond to that style of affection. You did it because you like it and because you like it (which is a really good idea) and because you have love to express -- but why did you not just enjoy the affectionate dinner you created?
How does he hurt you by having an affectionate dinner with you, followed by offering some easier less interactive companionship for the rest of the evening? How is that not indicative of a loving relationship?
Did you expect to change the 'climate' of your home in the space of one meal? I'm sorry if I gave that impression. I was talking about a subtle shift over the course of months -- mostly based on you modeling selfless giving, as well as the creation of opportunities for your own needs to be met naturally. It's not a vending machine proposition. You don't pay in, then get a pay off, and then evaluate if the effort was worth the satisfaction.
It's also not your husband's fault that a nice meal is not sufficient closeness in a given evening, for a person of your temperament. You are who you are, but, primarily, you are responsible to be managing your situations so as to address your own needs. That job doesn't just fall to a spouse because they are nearby and in love with you That helps, but you are still an individual responsible for your own happiness.
I never said he had a need for me to watch TV with or not. I said he could care less if I was in the room or not. He just calls it a night after dinner and is not interested in anything but TV until bed time. He refuses to come to bed earlier or to schedule time for intimacy as advised to us. He is not interested in playing games together or sitting outside or anything else, but TV for the most part at night. I use to sit night after night glued to the TV with him and I just got tired of it. I like some TV but not every waking hour.
If the way you describe marriage is he does his thing and I do whatever for him with zero expectations of anything, then I don't understand marriage. What is marriage, maybe I still don't get it after all these years.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What is Marriage? - 10/2/2009 3:50:53 PM
|
|
|
bolt.
Posts: 1759
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
Status: offline
|
quote:
I never said he had a need for me to watch TV with or not. I said he could care less if I was in the room or not.
Could you then tell me what you meant by this?
quote:
Would you believe we have done 7 Love Languages twice. His is quality times, then gifts and words... To him watching TV in the same room is spending quality time.
If 'quality time' is his top love language, and he considers watching TV in the same room to be spending quality time... then that's the top way his needs get met.
I'm not sure why you would then say that he doesn't care if you are in the room or not, since you already told us that it's one of his top ways of receiving love from you, that you would share his TV time. You used to do that, then you decided it wasn't worth the boredom.
He's not interested in an early bed time.
He's not interested in scheduled intimacy.
He's not interested in games in the evening.
He's not interested in sitting outside in the evening.
These are important things to know and accept about your husband if you intend to be happily married to him. It's great that you know them. I'm not sure why you seem to be frowning on them or listing them as if they were faults.
If all you are interest in is using the internet to make it clear that your husband is not living up to your expectations, then I don't see that you are likely to gain any progress from what other people are taking the time to type. What do you want us to say? "Bad bad husband. Sucks to be you. God bless."
quote:
If the way you describe marriage is he does his thing and I do whatever for him with zero expectations of anything, then I don't understand marriage. What is marriage, maybe I still don't get it after all these years.
That's the way I'm describing how one person changes a marriage, since you seem to want to change it. Of course he 'does his thing' -- what else would he do? He's a person with free will, if you want him to change,the best plan is to open his mind so that he wants to change. He's not going to change until or unless he wants to.
Adding 'expectations' to him simply increases your dissatisfaction and makes it more likely that your relationship will break down. Dissatisfaction is the distance between expectation and reality. Setting higher standards without making any meaningful changes to reality just makes the gap wider. What's healthy about adding expectations? Half your challenges are based on you expecting more than you are getting already. Zero expectations would make you a lot happier, and I want that for you.
The reason you 'do whatever for him' is because you love him and have committed to act on that love for the rest of your natural live (unless he sins against you to the degree that separation is warranted). If he's not 'doing whatever' for you, then he's not up to his vows. That sucks, but it's no reason for you to turn your vows into lies. You continue to show your love because it is right, not because it's paying off.
It's you that has an objective, to be more satisfied in your marriage, it's your goal, and the burden of action towards that goal rests on you. I have ideas of how to change the climate of your marriage. Those ideas might or might not work -- but in any case they will be work, and the pay off will not be immediate. In this you are not doing it 'for him' you are doing it because you want a happier married life. It's for you, and it will be of benefit to you (if it works). It will also benefit him -- but hopefully you don't mind that too much.
You are free not to have that goal, and you are free to have it as a wish and take no action towards it -- but you are not free to act like it's someone elses job to adopt your goal and work on it for you. Yes, he might see the benefit and voluntarily join in your efforts, and you could encourage that -- but at that point it would be his goal too.
Right now the desire is yours alone, so you alone are going to have to do whatever planning and work that you consider reasonable. If you consider this unreasonable, then you are probably best to try to accept the situation as it is. If you don't act to change it, I doubt anyone else will.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What is Marriage? - 10/2/2009 8:25:11 PM
|
|
|
Nate79
Posts: 249
Joined: 8/26/2007
From: Midwest USA
Status: offline
|
I'll testify that trying to change one's spouse (man or woman) through force of your own will never works. I've tried. So has my wife. Didn't work on either of us and we only grew further apart as two wills clashed.
"You need to change!"
"No, YOU, need to change!"
"You're not meeting my needs!"
"Pfff, well you aren't meeting MY needs either!"
... and we continued the vicious circle.
People are who they are and have the right to choose their own methods of relaxation. Trying to guilt, nag, or ignore someone into changing is a hopeless endeavor. I hate fashion and style shows with a passion unmatched by any other, but my wife looooves them. I enjoy history channel and cars and those shows make my wife bored to tears. My wife only checks email and shops a bit only. I really enjoy forums and gaming on the PC, though she think it's all pointless. We're two very different people who have chosen to join. Telling her to change things like that is not only unfair, it's downright inconsiderate. Knocking off the rough edges is not pleasant and usually takes a lot of time.
What you describe, LoyalFriend, sounds much like what my wife lamented in me. She wanted more than anything to connect with me, but when the method she used to try to get me to do that felt nothing like love. It felt like a big list of things I wasn't doing and I didn't want to get close to that razor edge of criticism. When she dropped the blade, stopped demanding that her needs be met, and at the right moments told me in a non-accusatory way what she needed and wanted with me ... a light finally came on. Even after that light has lit, it's still a challenge to give up what I want to meet a need she has. It's basic human selfishness that we have to overcome. The vending machine word picture Bolt used is sooooo very true. I lived that mindset for a long time and it's no fun. I still battle that selfishness and need the Lord's help to keep it out of my mindset.
Achieving change in our spouse requires two things that go completely against our human nature:
giving selflessly and prayer.
My wife and I wore ourselves out and only ended up more discouraged when we tried to do it on our own. For me, trying to be truly selfless is impossible without the Lord's help. It's a moment by moment choice that must happen every day. It is difficult, especially if "results" don't come right away. I promise you if you do those two things, you will be at the very least happier and your spouse may change.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What is Marriage? - 10/15/2009 1:48:41 PM
|
|
|
heremainsfaithful
Posts: 190
Joined: 10/14/2009
From: Alabama
Status: offline
|
I think a lot of people end up in the roommate scenario. I know we did for a long while. Truth was, neither of us was happy with it, but we didn't talk about it. I wasn't very good at talking about it because I waited until I was so lonely and frustrated I didn't know how to deal, and I kinda blew. Okay, not just kinda. That approach did not work, by the way.
Then I tried self-improvement, because obviously if I was good enough he would have to notice, right? Nope. He didn't realize he was supposed to. Then came the biggie: I meet every single need of his I can think of continuously without expecting anything in return for an undetermined amount of time. After three months I was completely spent.
Here's what helped me: Two Books: His Needs, Her Needs, and Lovebusters. It completely revolutionized the vague, fuzzy, but somehow strangely legalistic way I viewed a happy marriage. Maybe it can help you.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What is Marriage? - 10/17/2009 8:06:13 PM
|
|
|
starvin.artist.gurl
Posts: 46
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
|
Have you tried talking to him about all of this? Maybe he really doesn't know how you feel right now.
Also, I have to agree with the shutting off the cable thing. Maybe you two could agree to take a break from cable. When my husband and I got married, we couldn't afford cable, so we didn't have it. We didn't have internet either. Once tv shows are no longer an option, you really don't miss them like you think you will. I think having no cable was a great way to start a marriage because we spent a lot of time doing things together and really getting to know each other more.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What is Marriage? - 10/17/2009 8:47:43 PM
|
|
|
Katie51
Posts: 227
Joined: 1/8/2009
Status: offline
|
No where in the Bible do I read that one spouse is supposed to expect absolutely nothing from his spouse. The Bible says that the man is head of the home AND that the husband is to love His wife as Christ loved the church. Having none of your needs met is a recipe for disaster. I dont have a good answer but to tell someone to expect NOTHING from their spouse isnt a good thing in my opinion. It takes two people loving and working and praying and trusting God in a marriage. No one is perfect and shouldnt be expected to be. But no one can carry the whole load in a marriage either without watching all the intimacy drain out of their marriage.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What is Marriage? - 10/17/2009 9:02:03 PM
|
|
|
heremainsfaithful
Posts: 190
Joined: 10/14/2009
From: Alabama
Status: offline
|
Katie51 is absolutely right. I tried that route,and not only didn't it work, but resentment level went through the roof. The sad thing, I did that because I thought I was supposed to do - dutiful, servantly, submissive wife.
It takes two people to have a intimate marriage,and nobody gets to say "That's just the way I am" or "It's too hard." And the two way street is all day every day for the rest of our lives.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What is Marriage? - 10/17/2009 10:10:03 PM
|
|
|
bolt.
Posts: 1759
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
Status: offline
|
Where did you read in the Bible that we are entitled to expect more than a few certain things from our spouse?
I read a lot about how God calls (and expects) his followers to act. I see nothing about us setting those up as standards for one another.
"Having none of your needs met" is a silly way to describe this life. If none of our needs are met, we die, then we go to be with Christ, which is fine.
Having no marriage relationship (as in being single) or having a semi-crummy one (like this) is not going to kill us. It's not going to be a disaster. It's going to be painful, and it's an unpleasant way to live, but the good things we derive from a satisfactory marriage are not make-or-break things. The Christian life is bigger than that.
It takes two doing great things to have a happy, fulfilling, intimate, successful, godly marriage -- but that's not what you get if your spouse isn't interested. So, there needs to be a plan for when your spouse isn't interested. And that plan is to run your own life in a godly way, and stop setting your hopes on somebody who has shown no interest in rising to 'expectations'. What's the other plan for a spouse who's not interested? Shake them until they start to be godly?
There is no other person willing to carry any load here. So either she carrys it as best she can (not perfectly of course) or she chooses unfaithfulness to her own vows. But that comes full-circle. If she wants to be who God calls her to be in a marriage, that's between her and God -- it has very little to do with her husband or her emotional 'needs'.
I'm not talking about 'dutiful, servantly, submissive' stuff -- I'm talking about normal expressions of love between partners... just in the absence of him doing whatever would normally be reciprocal.
She can choose to be satisfied, or she can choose to work for change -- she just can't choose for him to work for change. It's not a morality thing, it's straightforward physics. Choosing for someone else to do something is impossible any way you look at it.
heremains, I doubt that you 'tried' the no expectations route -- as in having no expectations at a heart-and-will level. Could you, at the time, have said, "I'm married to a crumb, and it hurts -- but it is what it is and my faithfulness is not towards him but to God. Now what else worthwhile can I do with my life?" I think it more likely, since you say your frustration went through the roof, that you continued in your heart to engage in 'he should have' and 'I wish he would' sort of stuff. (Or else maybe he was actively sinning against you, not just disengaging after a reasonable effort. I don't want to take guesswork too far on a few sentences, but I feel you've misunderstood the meat of my recommendation.)
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What is Marriage? - 10/17/2009 10:34:47 PM
|
|
|
heremainsfaithful
Posts: 190
Joined: 10/14/2009
From: Alabama
Status: offline
|
I shouldn't have said no expectations. Cause you're right. It did hurt me that he just sat there while I poured myself out to him. But a man is to love his wife as Christ loved the church. I don't think that means he sits around thinking "well, I said I do, what else does she want." Lucky for me my husband now understands that him actively loving me in word and deed, him caring about my needs - and yes there are such things, really are important and part of his vows to me. I feel sorry for anyone whose spouse is too lazy or too stubborn to acknowledge and act on this.
That being said, the answer to a one-sided marriage is not infidelity. I do not believe it is divorce. I believe there should be much prayer, much Bible study, and much leaning on Jesus (which we all need to do anyway). But to act as if the most important earthly relationship of someones life isn't all that important and we should just suck it up is rather ridiculous.
I still recommend Harley's books. He is a Christian, AND he has decades of marriage restoration experience.
|
|
|
|
 New Messages |
 No New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/ New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/o New Messages |
 Locked w/ New Messages |
 Locked w/o New Messages |
|
 Post New Thread
Reply to Message
Post New Poll
Submit Vote
Delete My Own Post
Delete My Own Thread
Rate Posts |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
