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What is the right thing to do for my wife right now? - 10/24/2009 10:45:15 AM
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confused555
Posts: 4
Joined: 10/24/2009
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I have been reading the theory and principles behind ¡§Love Must Be Tough¡¨ by James Dobson. The principles seem appropriate for our situation. She feels hurt by me for the years of control, lack of appreciation, and lack of support. I am taking the steps to change. She has acknowledged that she sees the changes yet says she does not feel them. She has mentioned moving out several times and I have said I am not going to stop you, but have also begged her to give it time before she goes. She says she wants to move into an apartment, but the ones she found all had year leases, and she wanted something shorter. I have begged her not to on two occasions.
We tried marriage counseling. We had two meetings with our pastor, and after the second one she felt like her feelings were not being taken into an account and that the years of hurt and pain can¡¦t just go away. We meet with a different marriage / grief counselor last Monday and when she asked the counselor what do with all the feelings she was having towards me the counselor asked her to write them down. My wife did not see the benefit in that and right after we left the counseling session she exploded on me. She has since said she is not ready for marriage counseling, and she needs to focus on herself, and she just wants to be happy. She does have an appointment next Monday for an individual grief counselor. She says she loves me, but is not in love with me. However, her actions are not all negative. Sometimes she says she wants to work on the relationship. Her feelings can change 3 times in one hour. She started texting this guy a lot and I confronted her and she admitted to it being inappropriate, but only the start of an emotional affair. She said it was wrong and she would stop. According the ¡§Love Must Be Tough¡¨ principals (very simplified) I should tell her she is free to go and open the cage for her.
However I don¡¦t think it applies to our relationship. Her dad died in July after a year long battle with lung cancer. The year long ordeal took its toll on my wife. She was an emotional wreck for a year. When he died her grief went through the roof. I know everyone grieves differently, but for her this was a major loss. Also on her plate 2 weeks after her dad died she found out her mother has terminal cancer and has 2 years to live. The breakdown in our relationship occurred 1 month ago shortly after her mom ended up in the hospital from side effects of chemo, and seeing her mom for the first time without any hair. She has not had any grief counseling. This next Monday will be her first appointment. I have not been a good husband for the last 14 years all and my recent attempts to change and help out more have been meet with resentment and anger. I know this is normal, and there is no timeline to be followed.
She asked for space the other day, and rather than her move out and really disrupt the children¡¦s (ages 4 and 8) lives I suggested I move out for a while. I am staying in a hotel for now. I have been there for 3 nights. I am honoring her request for space, and on the first night she called and we talked for about 1 hour. Since then she has not contacted me in any way. I want to text her and tell her I love her, but I don¡¦t think she wants that right now. I think she is suffering a lot of guilt for the way she is treating me. She wrote me a not and put it in my suitcase I packed for the hotel. It said ¡§I truly do love you with all my heart! I¡¦m sorry for the pain I¡¦ve caused you. I hope you can forgive me. Know that wherever you are I¡¦m thinking about you ƒº Love you, ¡§
Her family has called me and asked about her because she has ignored their calls and has not confided our relationship problems or how sad she is about her dad and mom to them. She used to confide every detail of her life with her sister and mother. Now they are asking me what is going on. Early in this her sister told her she could not believe she was going to give up on our marriage. Her sister encouraged her to work on our marriage. After that conversation my wife said she was tired of her family controlling her also. She has abandoned all her old friends she says that her friends are trying are trying to control her and only want from her. She is tired of giving to all of them. She has not confided her feelings about our relationship to her family or old friends. She has started a new friendship with a lady 30 years older than her. They have only been friends for about 3 months (right after her dad died and her mom was diagnosed) my wife says this lady is like a mother to her, and the lady says she is like the daughter she never had. This lady has given her a job at a business she owns. My wife was a stay at home mom until 1 month ago. This lady has taken my wife out and bought her clothes. They are planning a trip to Jamaica together. She spends 4 to 5 nights a week with her. She also works with her so they are together all the time.
So with all that should I follow the tough love guidelines and set her free, or is this not the time for tough love? Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
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RE: What is the right thing to do for my wife right now? - 10/24/2009 11:07:14 AM
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manda59
Posts: 8231
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: confused555
She asked for space the other day, and rather than her move out and really disrupt the children¡¦s (ages 4 and 8) lives I suggested I move out for a while.
Sorry, I think you are mistaken to have moved out (she could surely now claim that you deserted the family). Do you really think she would have left with the children had you not done so?
Do you not think it's disruptive for the children for you not to be living there or seeing them regularly?
quote:
This lady has taken my wife out and bought her clothes. They are planning a trip to Jamaica together. She spends 4 to 5 nights a week with her.
Who looks after the children when she is out with her?
_____________________________
"It is a serious stellar day when I agree with both Ruth and Manda." Surpassing Peace, November 2009
Proud Member of the Imperfect Wives' Club
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RE: What is the right thing to do for my wife right now? - 10/24/2009 12:02:57 PM
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enommaz
Posts: 5
Joined: 10/23/2009
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Sorry to hear about your situation:
Sounds like to me the only thing you can do is be consistent with your new behaviors, pray, and continue on the path of positive change. Your wife is hurt, angry and upset (things I'm sure you know). The only thing
you can really do is continue to work on yourself and ask God to restore your relationship -- I personally feel God will restore it in due time.
Through your wife, perhaps God is bringing you closer to him, helping you to become the true headship in your home. We as men have to learn to treat our women (whether we are married or not) as Christ treated the church. Jesus taught us humility, the only way we learn humility is by being humbled (which is not easy). Be Christlike with your wife without expectation of results -- put the results in God's hands. Perhaps your wife's new behaviors have been a direct result of your past actions; Try to see it as God refining you through your wife. God wants us to be Holy, and he can teach us through the mouths and actions of our wives/girlfriends best (if we're listening). Peace in your home can be achieved.
I congratulate you for making a change for the better in your life. God recognizes this, and I personally feel he'll turn this around for the both of you. Your wife probably hasn't 'felt' a Christlike love from you in years, even though she sees a change -- she must feel it within herself (that's how God made them). You're on the right path, I feel your wife (in time) will come around.
< Message edited by enommaz -- 10/24/2009 12:18:54 PM >
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RE: What is the right thing to do for my wife right now? - 10/24/2009 12:57:56 PM
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bolt.
Posts: 1766
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
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It seems to me that this 'space' (spending a few nights at a hotel) is not for the worst, as long as it is short term. At some point in the next few days, you might speak to her and tell her that you would like to come home, and ask her if there are ways she can get some 'space' some of the time, without you actually needing to be out of the house.
Perhaps you could spend every second evening out, and sleep in on the couch or something. Or perhaps you could have 'quiet hours' where you commit not to speak to her. Negotiate something. Her freedom is a good concept, but it does not mean that you don't have your own desires, that you don't express them or that you you have to honour her whims. If she really wants out, she can go... but you don't have to make it happen for her sake.
This sort of thing is crazy for kids. You owe it to them that they should have the stability of knowing that their home will remain intact.
It really sounds like she is willing to work, and does not want to loose you or her marriage. She's had a year from the pit, and it will probably take two for her to get out of it.
She needs the counselling, for her grief, and for her personal issues. You also should pursue individual counselling in the meantime, for support and wisdom as well as learning the better skills of husbandry (books can only take you so far). For these first months, it's best if she goes weekly, and you either weekly or twice-a-month. It's going to cost a lot of money. Get a loan. Keeping your marriage secure is priceless. Pay it off later, like a mortgage or car loan.
Don't gossip about her with her family. That's her business, so keep out of it. Tell them, "I'm sorry she's not being open with you, but it's her choice. You'll have to work it out with her."
After a few weeks of counseling, once it is going well for her, ask her, politely, if she might take part of a session to talk to her counselor about her new mother-figure relationship. If talk of the vacation comes up, do let her know that you feel that a separate vacation is not in the best interests of the family as a whole, and ask if she would consider all of you going ot Jamaica. Try to make that happen, but if not, still let her know that you are not OK with plans for her to go separately. (Is there a connection to Jamaica, or is it just a vacation destination?)
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: What is the right thing to do for my wife right now? - 10/24/2009 2:31:06 PM
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confused555
Posts: 4
Joined: 10/24/2009
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I have been the primary caregiver for the children during the past few weeks. She would leave as soon as I got home and I took care of them. This went on for about 2 weeks. The first two weekends of this ordeal she left and went to see her mom. I stayed home with them. I stayed at a hotel wed night, and I took the kids out Thursday so I am still seeing them. They went to grandmas for the weekend after school Friday. This has been planned for months. I only plan staying gone up to 1 week. I still plan to see the kids at least ever other day. I have offered to stay downstairs and avoiding each other but she says that is not enough. I am seeking individual counseling. I have had about 10 session in the past 4 weeks. It is really helping me understand my hang-ups and hurts. I joined a celebrate recovery at the church so I am working on me. I am afraid that if she is not ready for me to come home after 1 week and I do she will immediately move out. She wants to split custody of the kids. I mentioned 1 week me, 1 week her, but her idea was 2 days me 2 days her. I thought that was a lot of transitions for them. Our son had heard her say divorce and has been crying and really bothered by it. I discussed it with him, and so did she. My version was we don't know right now and we are working on it. Her version was we both came from divorce and we are fine and he would be fine. I could not believe it coming from her mouth she has always put our kids first. I do love her. Through this I have realized how much I love her. I feel bad that I have treated her this way, but I can only go forward from here. She wants to live in the past. I know that I am responsible for pushing her to this point, and I just wish I could go back and talk to myself years ago.
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RE: What is the right thing to do for my wife right now? - 10/24/2009 2:56:17 PM
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manda59
Posts: 8231
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: confused555
I have offered to stay downstairs and avoiding each other but she says that is not enough.
Why are you letting her call the tune? It is surely better for your children that you move back in. Put them first rather than putting her first, and stand up for what you know is right, rather than beating yourself up over the past.
_____________________________
"It is a serious stellar day when I agree with both Ruth and Manda." Surpassing Peace, November 2009
Proud Member of the Imperfect Wives' Club
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RE: What is the right thing to do for my wife right now? - 10/24/2009 9:10:47 PM
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bolt.
Posts: 1766
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
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She can accept some compromise for the sake of the kids, with you moving back from the hotel to be downstairs. It's not a control move because she is still free to move out if she chooses. If she chooses not to then you guys can begin to negotiate sort of a roommate situation, from which you may be able to restore the relationship between you. Stick with your counsellor.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: What is the right thing to do for my wife right now? - 10/24/2009 11:33:08 PM
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confused555
Posts: 4
Joined: 10/24/2009
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I plan on coming home Monday and hopefully she will agree to some compromise where I can stay in the house and she does not feel the need to leave.
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RE: What is the right thing to do for my wife right now? - 10/25/2009 6:48:53 AM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1479
Joined: 3/13/2009
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You seem to think that everythng is your fault. Is this how you feel or is it what your wife has told you? I know a man whose wife told him for years that all their problems were his fault. he believed it as she told him so many times,. However now that I know him very well and also know her,and have spoken to people who knew both of them then, I can safetly say that 95% of them were down to her and not him.Even their pastor told her that she had absolutely no reason to be divorcing him and that she shouldnt be doing it. She refused to listen as she had found another man by then.
Could that be why she didnt wnat to carry on with counselling as she was being encouraged to see things from your point of view for a change?
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RE: What is the right thing to do for my wife right now? - 10/25/2009 12:22:51 PM
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manda59
Posts: 8231
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: confused555
I plan on coming home Monday and hopefully she will agree to some compromise where I can stay in the house and she does not feel the need to leave.
Do you think, if she leaves, she will take the children or go on her own?
If she took the children, where would she go?
_____________________________
"It is a serious stellar day when I agree with both Ruth and Manda." Surpassing Peace, November 2009
Proud Member of the Imperfect Wives' Club
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RE: What is the right thing to do for my wife right now? - 10/25/2009 11:58:28 PM
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confused555
Posts: 4
Joined: 10/24/2009
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Heretostoresmysoul,
I don’t think everything is my fault. In a control / passive relationship it is really 50/50. However, I can’t change her, and I can’t make her see her contribution to the problem. That is why I try and avoid focusing blame on her. It just keeps me focused. I think you might be right on her take on counseling.
Manda59,
She wants to have 50/50 custody if she leaves. She said she would get an apartment. It would take a while to make that happen, but she could start the process
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