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When you think you're in love, but others have doubts - 7/7/2008 3:31:18 AM
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OneOfHisJewels
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I just started reading David Copperfield (I'm trying to fill in some gaps in my education). And I'm already up to the part where poor David is working at the docks.
Anway, before that part, there is a part in which David lives happily with his mother and their maid, Peggoty. All three are good friends. David's mom is a widow, and she marries this guy that when he was dating the mother, neither David nor Peggoty liked at all. When David's mother and the man do marry, he is emotionally abusive to David's mother and physically and emotionally abusive to David. Then as the book goes on, the reader can't stop thinking that the mother should have listened to David and Peggoty.
Then for a real life example. We knew this guy once that my dad knew through the military, and when he was engaged, he came to our house for Christmas. My sisters and I could not STAND the guy. We told my parents, but at the time they didn't really take our opinion into account..long story short, many years and five kids later, the guy turned out to be an abuser and an adulterer, and they got a divorce.
I also know of a woman who was dating a guy, and her niece COULD NOT STAND the guy!!!! In recent years the family had a turnaround, but for years that couple was about the most miserable I ever knew.
All this says to me: Love is often blind, and it is a good idea to listen to friends and family in your life who love you if they have a concern about the person you are dating. It could be easy to be defensive at first, but usually people are only looking out for you, and better to break up than to go through misery.
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RE: When you think you're in love, but others have doubts - 7/7/2008 6:08:15 AM
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Above_All
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In general I think others can see things that you can't...but it's not always the case for everyone. But it is wise to take other people's opinion into consideration. And if you are the one with an opinion it is important to know how to express it.
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RE: When you think you're in love, but others have doubts - 7/7/2008 10:31:56 AM
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agapetos
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I wonder how many couples you know who have family and friends didn't immediately take to a new person in their relatives life and then grew to love them though?
I have some very dear friends who've been married for over 10 years now. He said from the time he met her (he was 14) that he was going to marry her (she was older than him). When he went to university, they prayed for a year about whether it was right for them to date. They dated for 3 years. They were engaged for a year after that. All the way through his mother was against him dating her and said they wouldn't be happy. It's taken a long time for her to change her views but they are wonderfully happy and an incredibly close couple.
What if he'd listened to his mother? How sad.
I'm not always sure that it's down to other people to advise us about relationships, though they do have their place. I do think that we need to take the time to get to know someone and learn about them before giving our hearts away. Sadly, that doesn't always happen.
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RE: When you think you're in love, but others have doubts - 7/7/2008 12:19:45 PM
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jaimestarcross
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I don't know about going on just feelings alone --- I usually start looking into the person's background, check out his/her friends/associates/neighbors etc... a lot of
people/family members went on their "feelings" when I married a man I met online... and I was treated coldly and everything I had to say was basically ignored or yawned at... it wasn't a good time at all... even though we're all Christians I certainly wasn't treated like one of the family or even like a visitor for that matter. It took several years before they'd show affection toward me. It was awkward(for me) going to church with certain family members and seeing how they'd be warm and friendly with visitors at church but treat me coldly/indifferent.
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RE: When you think you're in love, but others have doubts - 7/7/2008 12:29:32 PM
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molly1976
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I am planning to marry a man who my mother absolutely does not approve of. And for no other reason then the fact that he is a black man. Besides this my mother has always been a very involved mother, insisting on offering opinion on every aspect of my life. While going into this relationship, I knew my mother would have a problem. But, I ultimately had to ask myself, whose life is this? And I love this man, and I am not about to let my mother decide who I cannot love.
I'm not sure that what others opinions are on this. But if others peoples opinions are on nothing but a personal dislike. Do not listen. Why would you.
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RE: When you think you're in love, but others have doubts - 7/7/2008 1:17:46 PM
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rgod
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I think you have to "consider the source." Some people have poor judgement or are extremely critical. These are not people that you can turn to for any type of objective or godly advice.
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RE: When you think you're in love, but others have doubts - 7/7/2008 1:53:42 PM
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deermousie
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Often times when we get involved with the opposite sex we fantasize and miss the reality. That's why it's so important to guard our hearts and really put the person through the wringer before committing to them for life (then let the heart run wild!)
I had a check list for any guy I was interested in when I was single, and it looked like this:
Unnegotiable:
Is he human?
Is he male?
Is he available?
Is he a Christian?
Does he have any besetting sins? (sexual immorality, gambling, drunkenness, drugs, etc.)
Does he have responsibilities that preclude him from getting married (supporting 47 children from an ex-wife or "serious relationships")
Is he in circumstances that don't allow him to marry (Catholic priest or divorced because he cheated on his wife)
A "no" to any one of these is an automatic rule-out. No way.
Pretty important but could change with time:
Is he a strong Christian?
Does he have a good reputation with mature Christian people who've known him for years?
Does he live like a Christian and show that he fervently loves the brethren, is honest, is other-oriented?
Is his education finished and he has a career that will support a family?
Is he stable in his living skills?
Is he of the same doctrinal persuasion as you?
Does he handle money the way you do??
Does your family approve the match? (hopefully they've been sacrificing themselves over the years for your best interest and will tell you if they see a problem that can hurt you).
Do your friends mostly approve the match (you could be blinded by something you don't see but they do).
Important and can be tactfully improved if needed:
Hygiene.
Similar interests.
Unimportant:
Physical build.
Coloration.
What kind of car he drives.
Good looks or lack there of.
Note: people seem to do best with mates that are much like them. Try to marry someone from your own time zone.  Also, God may lead you to marry someone of a different culture; if God is in it, then do it, but understand your adjustment will be more difficult and family ties may be more strained. If you marry into a different race, your children could have some pretty difficult times all their lives. But like I said, if God is in it, He will help you and bring glory to Himself. Trust Him and go live.
Note: Yes, I did follow this, and didn't get married until I was in my late thirties. But DH is a prince of a man and was well worth the wait!
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RE: When you think you're in love, but others have doubts - 7/7/2008 2:23:14 PM
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Above_All
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I think too many people don't realize how judgmental they can be. With my FH, how we met and a health condition are the two biggest factors to evaluating our relationship.
If your parents and friends are non believers, what can come out of their mouth can be shocking sometimes. But we can't get too mad at them. After all, if they live in the world they will have a worldly mindset.
There's two sides to the coin.
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RE: When you think you're in love, but others have doubts - 7/7/2008 4:20:31 PM
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karlie
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quote:
It could be easy to be defensive at first, but usually people are only looking out for you, and better to break up than to go through misery.
If I had listened to the people who didn't think our marriage would work, or to those who thought one of us had picked the wrong person, I wouldn't have spent the last 27 years happily married to my best friend and love of my life. All the naysayers have long since admitted they were wrong and we are very, very glad we listened to God and not to them.
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RE: When you think you're in love, but others have doubts - 7/7/2008 4:20:34 PM
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preserved
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I agree with one of the poster here...You have to consider the source and the information that is provided...
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RE: When you think you're in love, but others have doubts - 7/7/2008 7:31:10 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
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quote:
ORIGINAL: karlie
quote:
It could be easy to be defensive at first, but usually people are only looking out for you, and better to break up than to go through misery.
If I had listened to the people who didn't think our marriage would work, or to those who thought one of us had picked the wrong person, I wouldn't have spent the last 27 years happily married to my best friend and love of my life. All the naysayers have long since admitted they were wrong and we are very, very glad we listened to God and not to them.
Ok, so how does one tell when people are wrong (like in your case) or right (like in the examples in my post)?
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RE: When you think you're in love, but others have doubts - 7/7/2008 7:42:29 PM
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preserved
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You have to trust your own inner voice talking to you and to what God says about the relationship. If you ask God to show you or tell you...He will..You will start seeing things that does not appear to be right...Remember God warns us of all things...it's whether we are looking and hearing His direction. There are times He will use others particulary those that are close to you..Meaning those who has nothing to gain nor lose by telling you things
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RE: When you think you're in love, but others have doubts - 7/7/2008 8:19:34 PM
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karlie
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quote:
Ok, so how does one tell when people are wrong (like in your case) or right (like in the examples in my post)?
You have to be in a place where you are earnestly seeking God...both of you. And not just seeking and listening for what you want to hear, but for God's will in your lives. There is a sense of peace(at least there was for us) and we knew beyond doubt that God was in this. But, you have to be willing to listen for what you may not want to hear too. If we're closed to that, and only look for what we want to see, then we may miss the red flags and other things God is using to tell us to slow down or maybe break things off altogether.
I think that's where a lot of people get into trouble. More often than not, we want God to okay our plans instead of correct them, and we develop selective discernment.
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Shoes CAN change your life...just ask Cinderella
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RE: When you think you're in love, but others have doubts - 7/7/2008 8:59:58 PM
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pbaribeault
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When you consider the source of "qualms", you might ask,
Is the source isolated (one person only thinks there is a problem)?
Does the source have issues with you (control, enmeshment, superiority)?
Does the source have longstanding problems with the gender and/or their own relationships?
How well does the source know the person they have an issue with?
How well does the source know you?
How much do you trust the source in general?
Is the source usually a wise and godly person?
Do you think the source has your interests at heart?
Does the source have an issue other then your relationship in mind?
You also might consider the nature of the "qualms", and wonder, if I don't think there is the issue that the person is mentioning, have I honestly looked if maybe there is an issue in the same sort of 'family' of potential flaws?
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RE: When you think you're in love, but others have doubts - 7/7/2008 9:29:44 PM
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hjemerson
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I can understand when married we had two couples out of 8 couple s married in our circle of friends two coupls were the ones eveybody said would neve last a(we were all christian young couples well now 30 years later the two couple that was said never will last we are the one still in married life .) ll the other couple most in the frist 5 year called it quites. they had family support (money,etc) etc, where we and the other had to do it alone with a God helps our family were only able to give emotion support, I happy his parent did not listen to other in the church and yes even the pastor that married later admitted he had second thought, LOVE< THE LOVE OF LORD can bind and protect !! just had 30th anv.
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RE: When you think you're in love, but others have doubts - 7/7/2008 9:54:18 PM
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justjennhere
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quote:
ORIGINAL: rgod
I think you have to "consider the source." Some people have poor judgement or are extremely critical. These are not people that you can turn to for any type of objective or godly advice.
I had a friend who, for her own selfish and immature reasons, did NOT want me to marry my husband. Four years later, we're still married, and she and I are no longer friends.
My husband was a man who was following God, serving Him, and living his life in obedience to Scripture. We were in the same place spiritually, going the same direction, and were mutually encouraged and edified in our relationship. While we were, admittedly, "blinded" by infatuation on some points, we took the time to seek godly counsel from people who were walking with the Lord and could see things more clearly than we could. We listened to our pastor, our premarital counselor, our parents, etc. And, like another poster said, we had a peace about our relationship that only grew (never diminished) as we spent time together, prepared for marriage, and sought godly wisdom from those who knew us and had the benefit and experience of their own successful marriages.
If I had listened to my friend, I would have missed out. Looking back, she had no reason to feel the way she did, and her actions since then have only shown her to be out of fellowship with the Lord. I think we have to be wise in who we chose to listen to.
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RE: When you think you're in love, but others have doubts - 7/8/2008 7:13:13 AM
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agapetos
Posts: 5570
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quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
quote:
ORIGINAL: karlie
quote:
It could be easy to be defensive at first, but usually people are only looking out for you, and better to break up than to go through misery.
If I had listened to the people who didn't think our marriage would work, or to those who thought one of us had picked the wrong person, I wouldn't have spent the last 27 years happily married to my best friend and love of my life. All the naysayers have long since admitted they were wrong and we are very, very glad we listened to God and not to them.
Ok, so how does one tell when people are wrong (like in your case) or right (like in the examples in my post)?
You know something, sometimes you can't tell. You gave some examples but you never mentioned listening to God for answers. Perhaps if we were all better able to listen to God and His desires for our life instead of our own, we'd make less mistakes in our relationships with others. I think to an extent it comes down to guarding your heart. There is so much pressure put on people to be in a relationship and get married that we give our hearts away early in a relationship.
You gave two real examples in the OP. This one
quote:
I also know of a woman who was dating a guy, and her niece COULD NOT STAND the guy!!!! In recent years the family had a turnaround, but for years that couple was about the most miserable I ever knew. isn't clear. You say the niece 'could not stand the guy' but then the rest of the family 'had a turnaround'. Does this mean the niece decided that he was ok or the rest of the family decided that he wasn't?
In the other example ~ you and your sisters couldn't stand a certain guy but you don't give any reasons why you couldn't stand him. I know that there are people in my life that I haven't taken too, sometimes there's a reason, sometimes it's just such a difference in personalities. I know that there are people I'd turn to for advice about someone (because they'd be honest) and people I'd run a mile from because they'd be so biased in their opinion or just not be able to speak honestly (some people can't say anything bad about someone).
As for David Copperfield ~ well perhaps you need to go read something like Pride and Prejudice to see the other side? Where someone forms an opinion of someone else and then realises that that opinion is wrong.
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Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not using them in fruit salads!
My blog
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RE: When you think you're in love, but others have doubts - 7/8/2008 8:30:56 AM
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Tinkerbell_
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On the day of his wedding my grandmother approached my father and told him he was wasting his time because the marriage would never last. Why...I don't know. It could have to do with the fact that they had only dated for two weeks before he went to basic training, or that her fathers profession was not as 'dignified' as she would have liked, or that she just didn't like my mother.
Regardless, they married and have been married for 37 years.
On the flipside, my mother strongly opposed my marriage but I knew what I was doing. Had I listened to her, I could have saved myself a lot of grief and pain.
I don't even think considering the source would be the best option because my father valued his mothers opinion more than I valued my mothers opinion at the time.
For a Christian I would definitely say stay in close communication with God, read, pray, talk to Him.
I do know that the next time I get married I will follow God's direction and not mine.
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RE: When you think you're in love, but others have doubts - 7/8/2008 2:30:13 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
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quote:
isn't clear. You say the niece 'could not stand the guy' but then the rest of the family 'had a turnaround'. Does this mean the niece decided that he was ok or the rest of the family decided that he wasn't?
Oh dear, I think there is some grammatical misunderstanding here.
Let me try to re explain it.
1. When this couple was dating, this womans 8yo niece couldn't STAND the guy.
2.This woman still married this man. Years later, when I was grown up (I'm just a little younger than her niece) she admitted to me that at one point, while they were dating she had a feeling he might be a jerk, but married him anyway, thinking this would be a noble way to be longsuffering before God. I also believe one of her biggest mistakes was thinking she could change him.
3. For many years of their marriage, they were extremely miserable. Other than couples where there is beating and cheating, they were about the most unhappy couple I have ever met.
4. In recent years, by the grace of God, the couple has had a turnaround and are doing much better. I referred to them as a family and not a couple because they now have 8 children and 5 grandchildren. The turnaround had a good affect on their kids. That's why I said the family had a turnaround not just the couple.
< Message edited by OneOfHisJewels -- 7/8/2008 2:44:59 PM >
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RE: When you think you're in love, but others have doubts - 7/8/2008 2:33:12 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
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quote:
In the other example ~ you and your sisters couldn't stand a certain guy but you don't give any reasons why you couldn't stand him.
He walked in the door, and immediately began to boss around our family, manage us, and correct us, and tell us what to do. As he was our guest, that was not his place.
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RE: When you think you're in love, but others have doubts - 7/8/2008 2:36:35 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
Posts: 1909
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quote:
As for David Copperfield ~ well perhaps you need to go read something like Pride and Prejudice to see the other side? Where someone forms an opinion of someone else and then realises that that opinion is wrong.
I HAVE read Pride and Prejudice. Please be careful about making assumptions. I have also read Jane Eyre. There are some classics I am trying to catch up on, but there ARE some I have already read.
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RE: When you think you're in love, but others have doubts - 7/8/2008 3:20:23 PM
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agapetos
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quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
quote:
In the other example ~ you and your sisters couldn't stand a certain guy but you don't give any reasons why you couldn't stand him.
He walked in the door, and immediately began to boss around our family, manage us, and correct us, and tell us what to do. As he was our guest, that was not his place.
The chances are, it wasn't his place ~ but your parents should have said something to him about it.
quote:
Please be careful about making assumptions. I apologise if you were offended at my suggestion.
For everyone who says that they have taken an instant dislike to someone though, I'm sure it can easily be matched by someone realising that they've made a mistake about another's character.
First opinions are important, but we need to look further to have those opinions confirmed or rejected. If we look to others for guidance, we also need to be prepared to look at the reasons why they hold a certain opinion.
_____________________________
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not using them in fruit salads!
My blog
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RE: When you think you're in love, but others have doubts - 7/8/2008 3:23:57 PM
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sherry1985
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i think you should listin to why they might have doubts but with mine my mom dont like my bf cus i am 22 and4 3 and he is 27 and 6'3 and over 200 pounds but i dont listin to her on that one cus he makes me happy.
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