quote:

ORIGINAL: merlethepearl

Teach him how to use his words to communicate his feelings in an acceptable way. Most people adults and children allow anger to build up because they do not know the correct way to verbally voice anger as an outlet. Merle

quote:

ORIGINAL: bolt.

You could also give him a "frustration toolbox" of things and activities.

Possibilities:

A bungie cord (no hooks) to tug between his hands
A nerf ball to scrunch furiously
A 'free pass' to go outisde an run, flail, jump, throw and kick a ball etc.
A 'free pass' to a space in the house to shout about his frustration without disturbing the household
Paper & pencil crayons to draw an angry picture (scribble furiously)
A roll of duct tape to tear and add to his collage
A placemat of piece of fabric that he likes -- to sit on and call his 'calm spot'
Bubbles to blow as he tries to calm his breathing
A re-usable baloon or whoopie coushin (blowing and squishing and even punching, plus comic relief too!)
Books to read if he wants to distract himself
A building toy that requires fine balance, but could also be satifying to knock over
A game of focus -- like one of those balls-rolling-around in a plastic case things

... lots of stuff.

Then make it his buisiness to notice when he is getting frustrated (pre anger) and take his toolbox and deal with himself before he gets out of hand. If he does get out of hand, once he is returning to normal state, require him to choose one or two of the calmer end activites and show you that he knows how to calm himself down. Then, very specifically, help him remember what the pre-anger felt like, and have him make a 'good plan' for next time he feels that way.

quote:

ORIGINAL: doinkdom

My grandson is 6 years old and grandpa recently had a self-control talk with him about his temper. With his parents approval of course...

We do not tolerate angry outbursts...and there are always consequences for them. Our grandson is 6, well beyond the piano-playing-chicken-phase of behavior development. He is fully aware of his bad behavior. He can handle self control and is learning to use it without having to deal with consequences for his outbursts.

At least for him, it would seem consistency is key. From everyone...parents and grandparents.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Skyescraper

quote:

ORIGINAL: doinkdom

My grandson is 6 years old and grandpa recently had a self-control talk with him about his temper. With his parents approval of course...

We do not tolerate angry outbursts...and there are always consequences for them. Our grandson is 6, well beyond the piano-playing-chicken-phase of behavior development. He is fully aware of his bad behavior. He can handle self control and is learning to use it without having to deal with consequences for his outbursts.

At least for him, it would seem consistency is key. From everyone...parents and grandparents.

Would you be willing to share some specifics about this? What kinds of consequences are you talking about, and how does your grandson control himself - does he have a certain thing he repeats to himself, or do you talk with him, does he go outside and run around, etc.? It is great that he has self control, but it would be helpful to me to understand how you helped him get to that point. I don't want to tolerate angry outbursts either, and am looking for help to handle them. Thanks.

quote:

ORIGINAL: peace77

I'm curious about this topic too.

What do you think of allowing an angry child to hit a pillow or a bounce back toy such as this one Link ?



Anne

quote:

ORIGINAL: doinkdom

Well...this might not be the most popular thinking, but it is biblical for us.

Self-control is something we have to practice, so it's reminding him when we see him getting a little tense about self-control. It's letting him talk out why he's getting angry, etc. It's being attentive to catch it before it erupts. I know that's hard when you have more than a couple of kids to watch.

When he blatantly refuses to exhibit self-control - stomping, turning his back, etc., we treat it as rebellion - and he has already been told that.

In our family, rebellion against our authority is also rebellion against God's authority as we are God's instrument in that child's life. The result is a spanking and followup up immediately with restoration. We don't drag it out and make it a huge event. It's dealt with quickly, decisively and then we're done.

I know that goes against much of what is talked about, but he knows exactly where he stands - there is no gray area to confuse him. As he gets older, it will change. The spankings will stop and because he's a little boy - the push-ups will begin. The physical exercise will be good for him and the discipline will certainly help him focus.

I'm not saying this is the only remedy and really don't want this to offend someone else just coming into the conversation.

quote:

ORIGINAL: GraceyGirl

In our home, we also deal with angry outbursts as rebellion and defiance. If you turn your back on me, stomp away, slam doors, scream at me, etc, that falls under that category. And our consequences also are a swift spanking, followed by re-instruction.

My kids are hosed though. Their daddy is a Marine, I'm a former 1st sgt and a therapist. We run a strict house, but also put a lot of techniques into play that I use in my practice.

For instance, in our house, you are certainly allowed to express your anger and dissatisfaction verbally. What you are NOT allowed to do however is use your voice to control others, or hurt someone else. An example of this would be my 12 year old telling me, "I don't feel like you're listening to me and it makes me really mad." What is NOT acceptable is, "You NEVER listen to me! I hate you!!" See the difference? Our children are not disciplined for speaking their hearts or minds - ever. But they are disciplined for HOW they express that if it's inappropriate.

I believe that you can raise a child to feel confident in their expressions, all the while maintaing order and calm in your home too.

Something to think about - and you've given no indication of this - but often children will model what they see and hear. It's possible your son has picked up this display of anger from somewhere else.

quote:

ORIGINAL: peace77

Actually, I considered hitting pillows or non-breakable things as one that could be added to the list in post #4, another possible solution that would be given to a child.

Agree with Bolt's comments that it would best be a stop gap measure on the way to self-control.

If the child is at that step and finds themself angry at another person's home, I'm sure they could find another pillow, couch, or something else soft that wouldn't be damaged.

It does not have to follow that a young child who deals with anger by hitting a pillow grows up to be a teenager or adult who hits walls.


peace,
Anne

quote:

I'm just concerned that hitting anything could be a difficult habit to break. Perhaps not... maybe someone experienced with it could tell us. I haven't encouraged my son to do it because of my concern.

quote:

My 6-year old son has always had a temper and I punish him if he hits other children, slams the door or stamps his feet

quote:

ORIGINAL: Skyescraper

quote:

ORIGINAL: GraceyGirl

In our home, we also deal with angry outbursts as rebellion and defiance. If you turn your back on me, stomp away, slam doors, scream at me, etc, that falls under that category. And our consequences also are a swift spanking, followed by re-instruction.

My kids are hosed though. Their daddy is a Marine, I'm a former 1st sgt and a therapist. We run a strict house, but also put a lot of techniques into play that I use in my practice.

For instance, in our house, you are certainly allowed to express your anger and dissatisfaction verbally. What you are NOT allowed to do however is use your voice to control others, or hurt someone else. An example of this would be my 12 year old telling me, "I don't feel like you're listening to me and it makes me really mad." What is NOT acceptable is, "You NEVER listen to me! I hate you!!" See the difference? Our children are not disciplined for speaking their hearts or minds - ever. But they are disciplined for HOW they express that if it's inappropriate.

I believe that you can raise a child to feel confident in their expressions, all the while maintaing order and calm in your home too.

Something to think about - and you've given no indication of this - but often children will model what they see and hear. It's possible your son has picked up this display of anger from somewhere else.

Thanks for your comments. I just wondered, what do you mean by 'our children are hosed'? My first thought was that you spray them with a hose... sorry, I don't mean to joke, but is that literally what you meant? Sometimes with small children I suppose a dash of cold water could help them snap out of it if they are doing something bad...! I hadn't thought of it, though.

quote:

ORIGINAL: bolt.

quote:

I'm just concerned that hitting anything could be a difficult habit to break. Perhaps not... maybe someone experienced with it could tell us. I haven't encouraged my son to do it because of my concern.

quote:

My 6-year old son has always had a temper and I punish him if he hits other children, slams the door or stamps his feet

If I understood your OP correctly, your son already has a habit of hitting 'things' -- including people, and it may well be difficult to break. If it does prove particularly hard to break completely, one of the steps in moving forward would be to introduce, firstly, the skill of choosing a target that is not a person (or a living creature) and is neither breakable nor valuable. Once he develops that level of control, then one would proceed with choosing a flailing without actually hitting anything, and then transitioning into exercise-based expression.

Of course he might easily redirect directly into exercise, but, if not, then the couple of intermediate stop-gaps are workable steps to getting where you ultimately want to be.