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advice plz :-) - 11/2/2009 9:51:50 AM
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mariamaria
Posts: 202
Joined: 2/28/2007
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Hi to you all,
I would like some good christian advice on what to in this following situation.
Back in March this year my sister started dating a guy she met on the net. (my sister was a christian at the time)
He was not only dating two other women when he started dating my sister but was also separated from his wife of 20 years. soon after he stared dating my sister he stopped seeing these other two women, he is also a pagan and did a good number on my sister as now my sister no longer believes in the God of the bible. I have always felt very uneasy around him..After 6 weeks he left my sister to go back to his wife (this was in May). I helped my sister pick up the pieces of her broken heart.
I must also add that me and this man were at logger heads all the time because I could see he was no good.My sister filled him in on all the mistakes I'd made from my past in which he threw that back in my face.
Two weeks ago he claims he has separated from his wife for good this time and now my sister and this man are back together, even though my sister's 17 year old son hates him and asked for him to no longer come into the house which at the time my sister agreed to but has gone back on her word.
I am very close to my sister and I spend a lot of time at her house but now this man will be there I don't know how to react.
He gives me the creeps and my gut feeling is telling me he is not heaven sent! He pokes fun at Christians and Jesus, he is crude in his talk and there is no one he won't have a dig at..
This is my question, as a Christian what should I do? Do I treat him with love and respect and still keep going over to my sisters as I always have or do I stay clear away?
Thanks
Maria..x
< Message edited by mariamaria -- 11/2/2009 9:59:05 AM >
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RE: advice plz :-) - 11/2/2009 10:22:53 AM
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KaptZ
Posts: 166
Joined: 10/28/2009
From: The swamps of Jersey
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My personal rule regarding the love interests of my family members or close friends-
1)If you disapprove of the love interest you sit your loved one down and plainly state why. ONCE.
2)If your loved one hears you out but still wants to see the person. You zip your lip and never speak of it again.
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RE: advice plz :-) - 11/2/2009 10:25:05 AM
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still4gvn
Posts: 2656
Joined: 12/28/2005
From: just north of Seattle, WA
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do a scan to see if he has a criminal history. if he's that creepy he may be dangerous. obviously your sister isn't listening to your opinion. how about inviting her to more activities at your house or going shopping or whatever so you don't have to be around him that much? but I would be polite and not make an issue of it. definitely pray to bind demons and pray protection on your family.
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RE: advice plz :-) - 11/2/2009 10:36:45 AM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1465
Joined: 3/13/2009
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if she will not listen, then you (and maybe her son as well) may need to stay away from her if she has him round her house. Could he stay with you for a while? This man sounds like BAD news. Its hard to see why she is seeing him at all.
Pray that her eyes will be opened.
No I dont think you do have to put up with him, but you may need to stop going round there.
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RE: advice plz :-) - 11/2/2009 11:09:19 AM
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mariamaria
Posts: 202
Joined: 2/28/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: KaptZ
My personal rule regarding the love interests of my family members or close friends-
1)If you disapprove of the love interest you sit your loved one down and plainly state why. ONCE.
2)If your loved one hears you out but still wants to see the person. You zip your lip and never speak of it again.
I have done both but find it hard to keep my mouth shut as all she ever does is talk about him, plus now he will be at her house and I find it hard to be around him
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RE: advice plz :-) - 11/2/2009 11:10:32 AM
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mariamaria
Posts: 202
Joined: 2/28/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: still4gvn
do a scan to see if he has a criminal history. if he's that creepy he may be dangerous. obviously your sister isn't listening to your opinion. how about inviting her to more activities at your house or going shopping or whatever so you don't have to be around him that much? but I would be polite and not make an issue of it. definitely pray to bind demons and pray protection on your family.
Good idea but I wouldn't know where to start to do a scan on him..Yes I could invite her over ot even go out but she would bring him with her!
I have been and will continue to pray.
thank you
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RE: advice plz :-) - 11/2/2009 11:11:52 AM
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mariamaria
Posts: 202
Joined: 2/28/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: herestoresmysoul
if she will not listen, then you (and maybe her son as well) may need to stay away from her if she has him round her house. Could he stay with you for a while? This man sounds like BAD news. Its hard to see why she is seeing him at all.
Pray that her eyes will be opened.
No I dont think you do have to put up with him, but you may need to stop going round there.
I have asked my nephew if he wants to come and be with me but he says no.
It's a shame it has had to come to this, we are so close.
I will keep praying
x
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RE: advice plz :-) - 11/2/2009 11:25:37 AM
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manda59
Posts: 8213
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mariamaria
Good idea but I wouldn't know where to start to do a scan on him..
The poster meant a check to see if he is a criminal, which you can't do here in the UK unless you are an employer.
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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RE: advice plz :-) - 11/2/2009 3:45:58 PM
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KaptZ
Posts: 166
Joined: 10/28/2009
From: The swamps of Jersey
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mariamaria
quote:
ORIGINAL: KaptZ
My personal rule regarding the love interests of my family members or close friends-
1)If you disapprove of the love interest you sit your loved one down and plainly state why. ONCE.
2)If your loved one hears you out but still wants to see the person. You zip your lip and never speak of it again.
I have done both but find it hard to keep my mouth shut as all she ever does is talk about him, plus now he will be at her house and I find it hard to be around him
Maybe try and lure her out for girl's nite. Try and find ways to see her without him along. Say you have to go underwear shopping or someithing! 
Kidding aside, I know it is pretty grim especially with a family member involved. You know you're hands are pretty much tied if she is all ga-ga for him. She'll have to find out what he is on her own. Not much you can do until then but bite your tongue and smile.
Good luck!
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RE: advice plz :-) - 11/2/2009 7:50:49 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 2214
Joined: 9/26/2007
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Wow, Maria, this is awful.
Your sister has made a bad choice of a man and especially of her faith, which is very serious. She also is giving him your confidential information, which means she isn't safe to you anymore. A big loss, considering how close you used to be. I'm sorry, dear; it must really hurt. She chose it, not you.
1 Cor. 5:11 says
But now I have written to you not to keep company with anyone named a brother, who is sexually immoral, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or an extortioner—not even to eat with such a person.
You have to see if this verse fits your sister's situation. If it does, you know what God wants you to do: her moral choices break up her happy family relationships. It wasn't your choice for her to take up with a vow-breaker or ditch God. For her to give up her faith makes her an idolator (look at Israel's history - when people stopped worshipping God and followed anything but Him, God condemned them for idolatry) and adulteress (he's cheating on his wife with your sister so she shares the guilt).
Since that verse says to not keep company with a person who has lost their faith (God gives us faith - Heb. 12:2 - as part of our covenant with Him - so it's not hers to decide to just leave it because she doesn't dictate what God does) then you'll not want to be hanging out with her anymore. Wow, this must hurt! But it's what she chose.
BTW, it's probably a matter of time before she leaves this guy or he leaves her - he's got a track record of it. The big question is, will she return to God or stay out in the cold and keep blowing it. Pray like crazy - this is spiritual warfare, and your sister is in great danger.
Another BTW - he claims to have left his wife. He's gone back to her at least once and he's a gross sinner - he well could be lying, too.
You are a spiritual being, and everything you do has spiritual dimensions. If there is no verse that says you have to be around him (and 1 Cor. 5:11 clearly says you aren't to be around your sister) then what you choose to do is fine.
It would break my heart to shun a beloved sister blowing it so bad. It wouldn't be hard to stay away from him. You owe him nothing. We're supposed to share the Gospel with everyone, but frankly he doesn't sound safe and I wouldn't go near him. So send him a tract in the mail, and then go your way and enjoy the family you have left (and keep a space open for your nephew for later) and keep praying like crazy. If your sister asks why you aren't around, show her 1 Cor. 5:11. She's hanging out with an unfaithful husband which paints her with the same brush, and she's rejected God.
I'm so sorry, Maria. Fight the good fight and pray for your sister to return to her faith in repentance and for him to turn to God in repentance. Good for you for offering your nephew a place to stay; he may need it soon.
< Message edited by deermousie -- 11/2/2009 7:58:37 PM >
_____________________________
"Through Gates of Splendor" by Elizabeth Elliot
"Federal Husband" by Doug Wilson
www.biblegateway.com for online concordance (I use it daily)
"Passion and Purity" by Elizabeth Elliot
And I think chickens are really funny
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RE: advice plz :-) - 11/2/2009 9:15:31 PM
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still4gvn
Posts: 2656
Joined: 12/28/2005
From: just north of Seattle, WA
Status: offline
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I've accessed prison records here in the states. sometimes there is even info to be had by googling a person's name or email address.
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RE: advice plz :-) - 11/2/2009 9:42:33 PM
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bolt.
Posts: 1758
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
Status: offline
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quote:
This is my question, as a Christian what should I do? Do I treat him with love and respect and still keep going over to my sisters as I always have or do I stay clear away?
As a Christian you are free to choose either option. You will have to use your discernment and pray for wisdom.
I hate to contradict deermousie, whom I have much respect for, but the verse in question does not say "not keep company with a person who has lost their faith" it says not to keep company with someone who still claims faith but behaves in ways opposite to it. That is clear from the verse:
But now I have written to you not to keep company with anyone named a brother, who is sexually immoral, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or an extortioner—not even to eat with such a person.
If you are (by choice or by accident) around this guy, you must treat him with basic human respect, expressing love in that way (through dignity) and holding a hope of his future to someday accept Christ Jesus and come to faith in your heart. You may share the gospel with him. You may judge it to be an inopportune time.
As far as your sister, her choice to deny her Lord and die must make you weep. You can share that with her from time to time as tact allows and the Spirit prompts. You can also choose to part ways with her for a time. It is a legitimate choice, just not a Biblical mandate.
Unacceptable choices would be, (1) any behaviour that grants approval or condones the choice to sin, and (2) any behaviour that would be unbecoming in public between ordinary people.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: advice plz :-) - 11/3/2009 6:25:31 AM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1465
Joined: 3/13/2009
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Maybe just go round when he isnt there then and stay away when he is.
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RE: advice plz :-) - 11/3/2009 7:50:28 AM
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mariamaria
Posts: 202
Joined: 2/28/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: herestoresmysoul
Maybe just go round when he isnt there then and stay away when he is.
It looks like that's what I will have to do even though she has told me not to keep away just because he is over
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RE: advice plz :-) - 11/3/2009 1:45:47 PM
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manda59
Posts: 8213
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: still4gvn
I've accessed prison records here in the states. sometimes there is even info to be had by googling a person's name or email address.
mariamaria is in the UK, you can't access prison records here.
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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RE: advice plz :-) - 11/3/2009 6:05:02 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 2214
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: offline
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In the US you can run a person's criminal record if you have their birthdate and social security number.
_____________________________
"Through Gates of Splendor" by Elizabeth Elliot
"Federal Husband" by Doug Wilson
www.biblegateway.com for online concordance (I use it daily)
"Passion and Purity" by Elizabeth Elliot
And I think chickens are really funny
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RE: advice plz :-) - 11/3/2009 7:08:41 PM
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bolt.
Posts: 1758
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
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quote:
Me and my sister have a loving bond and I am trying to be understanding of her purely because of that bond
You can be 'understanding' that she has chosen a sinful way to meet her needs for acceptance, relationship, affection etc. It's not that unusual -- and neither is kicking God out of your life when you would rather indulge yourself than honour Him.
quote:
I do not want this to come between us
It's not him that's coming between you, it's her choice to esouse radically different lifestyle values than you hold.
quote:
I can not stand to be around that man.
That's fair enough, if you mean it as you say it. Try this illustration to see if that's the case. If you did not know him, and he'd never met your sister etc. and you were at some kind of event to do with your work, or some-such, and, through assigned seating, you were placed next to him for a few hours, and had to make some small talk etc from time to time during the event... could you do that? Could you give him the kind of cold shoulder that is cool but polite? Would you go to the trouble of having your seat changed? Or would you leave a work-related conference to be away from him.
quote:
If I bump into this guy I feel because I represent God I should treat him with respect but will not allow myself to be a push over just because he is dating my sister.
Respect meaning human dignity, not respect meaning deference. Even cool politeness is respectful enough. My impression is that your sister, and his detrimental relationship with her, is most of the reason why you would have trouble treating him like Joe-on-the-bus for short periods of time. There should be no push-over-ness, because you are not likely to be talking about anything but the weather. If he is rude to you, wish him a nice day and find something else to do. It's not about being nice to him, it's about being an ordinary person, even when confronted with other people who are not ordinary. That's not hypocritical.
That's if you don't entirely avoid him, which you are free to choose of course.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: advice plz :-) - 11/4/2009 9:58:17 AM
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mariamaria
Posts: 202
Joined: 2/28/2007
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thanks bolt for your reply, the truth being that if I didn't know this guy he wouldn't even bother me, he wouldn't come up on my radar at all, so it seems you have a point
This was my scripture for the day, says it all really. I think I know what I have to do, now it's a matter of pride!
Roman 12 :
14-16Bless your enemies; no cursing under your breath. Laugh with your happy friends when they're happy; share tears when they're down. Get along with each other; don't be stuck-up. Make friends with nobodies; don't be the great somebody.
17-19Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you've got it in you, get along with everybody. Don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do. "I'll do the judging," says God. "I'll take care of it."
Maria...x
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RE: advice plz :-) - 11/4/2009 3:46:05 PM
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freeholder
Posts: 109
Joined: 2/15/2008
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I've seen this in my own family. My sister-in-law had a bad habit of picking the wrong man. We helped her move out of so many bad relationships, watched her have children who've grown up to be lost and rootless...My wife finally cut ties with her altogether. It was five years later and her then-husband contacted us about her having cancer. My wife joined in caring for her until her death. The husband tired all manner of guilt trips on us for not being there when she was earlier ailing and I finally had to stop him in his tracks by saying, "It was HER choice to act the way she did and Brenda is here for her now." Brenda still missed her dreadfully but has joy at her reconciliation and at her testimony of caring for her sister to her brother-in-law. These relationships lead always to tears and only sometimes to reconciliation,
Mariamaria, she's made her choice. It's wrong for a Christian woman, we are not to be unequally yoked. It's likely wrong for any SANE woman if he's anything like your description. You can't trust her to keep your secrets so you have, in essence, lost your sister and friend. I'm sorry and we'll pray for you to get her back without compromising who you are.
And that's the thing: You'll have to sacrifice who you are to be with her every time. You'll have to bite your tongue or have a sharp retort for his every wise guy remark. You'll have to treat him with love (we are commanded to act that way toward our enemies and nurture our hearts to prepare for it), but you need to know that means telling the truth.
You see, he's a challenge to you and a gift from God to test you and make you stronger and educate you in the enemy. And, a word of warning, you may find yourself attracted to him and he may well hit on you, whether you're attracted or not. This is a guy who has demonic forces guiding him and will search for a way to destroy your sister AND you and what better way than to seduce you? Keeping away is a VERY good idea. Better to be still her friend and sister than to have him try something then blame it on you whether you respond or not.
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RE: advice plz :-) - 11/4/2009 11:36:08 PM
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mariamaria
Posts: 202
Joined: 2/28/2007
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I want to thank you all for your time and replies, truth is I'm more confused now then ever as to what I should do. Part of me wants nothing to do with my sister while he is there and part of me wants to keep going over while he is there to show him the love of christ by being kind to them both. At the moment I'm feeling God wants me to show them love and prove this man wrong when he says all christians are hypocrites and do not practice love but hate. If as christians we gave up on showing "worldly people" love and ultimately God then what would be the point? Are we not supposed to show God to these very people? Was I not once like him, a sinner that didn't know better till some one showed me the way?
Freeholder you have many good points but I feel the holy spirit guiding me to treat this man with love and respect with the hope that this leads him to understand the christian walk of life, saying that I am aware that he is very against christians and does nothing but poke fun at Jesus and is a born liar, so this gives me an advantage having seen him at his worst and knowing what he is capable of..I will be very aware of him and what he can do and will give him a chance but if no respect is given in return then I wash my hands of him but not my sister..How will she ever find christ again if I walk away from her? Although I strongly disapprove of her life style, who am I to judge, after all before I was a christian I did much worse then she is doing. I am rooted in God enough for her not to influence me, if any thing she is a reminder of how a person can make their lives an utter mess. I also want to stay in touch for her sons sake, who is the innocent one in this and also because his mum has messed with his life enough is the reason I need to be there for him..
The question now is, will my pride stand in the way of me doing so?
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RE: advice plz :-) - 11/4/2009 11:49:57 PM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1465
Joined: 3/13/2009
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If you feel that God is wanting you to show them love then do that. Go with what The Holy Spirit is saying.he knows best after all.
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RE: advice plz :-) - 11/4/2009 11:56:34 PM
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mariamaria
Posts: 202
Joined: 2/28/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: herestoresmysoul
If you feel that God is wanting you to show them love then do that. Go with what The Holy Spirit is saying.he knows best after all.
Thank you
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RE: advice plz :-) - 11/5/2009 12:16:07 AM
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babycorina
Posts: 7
Joined: 11/4/2009
From: Malaysia
Status: offline
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mariamaria,
I am new here and was reading your problem. I don't know much but coming from a broken marriage and having gone through a lot in life, it is best for you to just be yourself but also take into account that she is your sister and this is the time for you to be there, watching over her and praying for her. Ignore that man if you can't stand him but pray for him too. Keep your patience with him and show your love to both of them. Love can change even the coldest hard and forgiveness is hard but if it is done from the heart, the other person will feel it. Forgive your sister and her man for the faults they have done on you. You still have a nephew who needs you there so you are 'an instrument' in this. Trust me, with time and unceasing prayers, that man will change and your bond with your sister will grow stronger.
All the best to you and God bless always!
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