|
|
|
|
|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
finding contentment in the woman I am with - 5/28/2008 4:05:05 PM
|
|
|
CoachSteve
Posts: 58
Joined: 5/26/2008
Status: offline
|
I have an issue that I call the "prom queen syndrome", no matter who I am dating, I always think there is someone better looking or better body than who I am with. I just broke up with a wonderful Christian woman who wanted to marry me, and loved me so much. there was nothing wrong with her, she is pretty, petite, very loving caring, a Christian most important, she always looked out for me. I know I am not that smart. How do I ever get past this? I prayed for 4 months before we broke tyring to get this stupid stuff out of my head and be happy with and content with who I was dating. Now I am miserable. I don't eat much, have lost 7 pounds in 4 days, and want her back. but in my mind, I can't help but thinking I will do it again, and I DO NOT EVER WANT TO HURT her again. I don't know if this is Gods way of telling me she is not the one, or if it is the world, flesh and devil working on my mind to make me miserable. I have been prayig for contentment, and discernment, and reading my Bible, and trying to figure out what I should do.
Help guys.
< Message edited by wishIKnew -- 5/28/2008 4:11:44 PM >
|
|
|
|
|
RE: finding contentment in the woman I am with - 5/28/2008 5:01:33 PM
|
|
|
jn1010lf
Posts: 232
Joined: 4/20/2005
Status: offline
|
Hello wishIKnew
The tone of what you've shared lead me to wonder if you might have some issues that give you false informatin about yourself. You might start meditating on Psalm 139, especially the verses where David thanked the Lord that he was fearfully and wonderfully made. You and I are made the very same way.
There are counseling sources that are good and you might consider them. If you are hesitant, I've found that the Holy Spirit is a marvelous counselor. He will, if a person asks, pinpoint any issues that causes difficulties in human relationships.
So, I wouldn't consider any serious dating until the issue are uncovered and dealt with. Bear in mind that Jesus wants us free. I take that to mean personal, political, spiritual and anyway in which one can be free.
Remember, that the Lord loves you with an everlasting love and wants you to have the most abundant life possible.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: finding contentment in the woman I am with - 5/28/2008 7:16:24 PM
|
|
|
CoachSteve
Posts: 58
Joined: 5/26/2008
Status: offline
|
what do you mean false information?
I know that I am too cautious in pretty much everything I do. I can't help but think that some of the issues I am dealing with are fear of the unknown. the unknown relationship with her or even further.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: finding contentment in the woman I am with - 5/29/2008 8:26:51 AM
|
|
|
YZGUY
Posts: 263
Joined: 3/9/2008
Status: offline
|
quote:
I know that I am too cautious in pretty much everything I do. I can't help but think that some of the issues I am dealing with are fear of the unknown. the unknown relationship with her or even further.
Well, there you go. It's not so much an issue of discontentment - but you will not allow the relationship to happen - Maybe that's because of fear - fear of what, though? Commitment? rejection? unknown? Being happy?
Have you been abandoned? Parents divorced? Been through a painful breakup where you were rejected? Abused?
Just a few books to read: Relationships: A Mess Worth Making by Paul Tripp & Tim Lane, and Running Scared: Fear, Worry, & the God of Rest by Ed Welch.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: finding contentment in the woman I am with - 5/29/2008 9:36:43 AM
|
|
|
CoachSteve
Posts: 58
Joined: 5/26/2008
Status: offline
|
parents have been married almost 40 years, but I have often wondered why they stay married, but talking ot my mom, I know she loves my dad and vice versa. i have not had very many relationships, but yea, one does come to mind back in my early 20s late teens. I was dating a girl that I though was perfect. everything was great until one night she said that she was going back to her ex. she never really stated why. so I let her go, wanting her happiness. I later found out she wanted me to tell her no. I guess like fighting for her. but I don't play games like that. I really more blow off that relationship as a learning experience.
I don't know what I am afraid of really with this woman. I know she loves/loved me, and we got along wonderfully, we went to church together prayed together, had tons in common. I just for whatver reason couldn't give her my whole heart. now I am thinking I have made a mistake. I want to at least tell her that I really do love her even if she doesn't want me back. I can't blame her. but I really want to be able to give my entire heart to a woman, this one or another.
would you guys PLEASE pray for me as I go through this? I need all the help I can get.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: finding contentment in the woman I am with - 5/29/2008 2:51:05 PM
|
|
|
ChoirDJ
Posts: 465
Joined: 6/15/2006
From: So Cal
Status: offline
|
Your post highlights one of the downsides of making decisions solely based on your emotions. You should not have broken off the relationship without more clarity on what (if anything) was wrong with it. Emotions are a good indicator that something is up but we have to check them with the facts because they can often be misleading. How many times in your life have you felt strongly about something only to realize you were wrong when the dust settled a bit on the issue? I feel sorry for the woman who was put through this for no good reason at all when she may have been a great catch for you. There's never a 100% gaurantee that you're making the right choice about anything but that's part of life. There will always be a risk involved when it comes to a romantic relationship. You should consider calling her back, asking her forgiveness for acting on impulse, and seeing if she is willing to reconcile with you unless you could come up with some more concrete reasons for not doing these.
_____________________________
"Sin will take you further than you intended to go, keep you there longer than you intended to stay, and cost you more than you intended to spend." Got it?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: finding contentment in the woman I am with - 5/29/2008 3:01:56 PM
|
|
|
notmycity
Posts: 1240
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: wishIKnew
....I just broke up with a wonderful Christian woman who wanted to marry me, and loved me so much. there was nothing wrong with her, she is pretty, petite, very loving caring, a Christian most important, she always looked out for me. I know I am not that smart....
Sounds to me like you know what the problem is by the following statement: “I know I am not that smart.”
From one fool to another, we learn to deal with our folly through God’s Word alone. Start with Proverbs.
_____________________________
<><Topher
"I am a companion of all them that fear thee, and of them that keep thy precepts." Psalm 119:63
and..
"For here have we no continuing city, but we seek one to come." Heb 13:14 = "notmycity"
|
|
|
|
|
RE: finding contentment in the woman I am with - 5/29/2008 3:11:48 PM
|
|
|
AslansChild
Posts: 42
Joined: 6/30/2005
Status: offline
|
Hopefully this does not sound to cavalier. I was a serial monogomast when I was single (married 19 years). As I was dating girls once it got to the point of moving to a commitment I could easily find something, usually physically wrong with them, sometimes I could find something emotionally wrong with them (my perception not reality). But I think in my heart I was looking for the faults to avoid comittment. Now after being married for 19 years (We met in February and were engaged in June and married within a year), I look back and see that my wife was brought to me by God and that eventhough I was looking for her faults I could not find anything that was a deal breaker. I believe the commitment of engagement helped me to be more diligent in making the relationship work.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: finding contentment in the woman I am with - 5/29/2008 3:22:44 PM
|
|
|
YZGUY
Posts: 263
Joined: 3/9/2008
Status: offline
|
quote:
parents have been married almost 40 years, but I have often wondered why they stay married,
Why's that? What would make you think that they should have separated or divorced?
I heard it said that there is no love without choice. Choose love.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: finding contentment in the woman I am with - 5/29/2008 10:37:59 PM
|
|
|
CoachSteve
Posts: 58
Joined: 5/26/2008
Status: offline
|
well lets see, where to start
as far as making decision on emotions. that is the first time I have heard it put like that. I mean, I feel exactly like AslansChild. everytime I get really close I start find physical or emotional faults with the women I date. Mostly physical. I do not know why except the fear of committment.
to Choir, trust me I feel absolutely horrible fo breaking her heart and feel absolutely guilty for doing it. and what is worse I told her the reason for the break up was that I loved her as my best friend and not as a girlfriend, or future wife. (enter the bashing here.) I know that I am coward when it comes to dealing with women and emotions. for that I am praying and studying my Bible and trying to get to the be Godly Man my wife will be whoever she is.
to Yz, My parents fight all the time, every little thing make my mom angry, and my dad is just oblivious to a lot of my mom's feelings, and doesn't understand her. so they fight about the stupidest things. I don't think they would ever get divorced, but have wondered about it.
here is a question. what do you guys think about people saying, "if she is the one you will know without a doubt." I don't truelly believe that statement whole heartdly. we have a few mutual friends that are telling me this, that is I don't already know she is the one then she probably isn't. just want to know what the men think?
i talked to my ex on the phone tonight. I wanted to hear her voice. we are still talking mostly via emails, and a text now and then, but we still talk.
thanks so much for all yours guy's insight and advice and experience. I am still working and praying through all this.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: finding contentment in the woman I am with - 5/30/2008 8:06:31 AM
|
|
|
YZGUY
Posts: 263
Joined: 3/9/2008
Status: offline
|
Kind of a strange way my wife & I got together - I broke up with a serious g-friend about six months b4 I dated my (now) wife. We dated for a few months and I became afraid - I knew that she was everything I wanted in a wife, but I was afraid, so I said the ol' line "I love you, but not in love with you." After a short time, I missed her & we dated again. I then did the same thing again. We broke up and after a short time, got back together again. Broke up again with the same line. I got to the point where I just did not know what was wrong with me. I stumbled upon a book called "Love is a Choice." I did not read it, but the title just captured me. So at that point, after reasoning that she was everything I wanted in a wife, I was attracted to her, her values, etc. etc. - I then made the decision that I would put my whole heart into the relationship. I will choose to love her & not be afraid of what might or might not happen. I let her know what I was going through and she decided to go forward with the relationship - despite the fact that I broke up with her several times. Well - This was the best decision of my life (& hers :)). We married about 8 months later and have been married over 11 years with two kids.
I don't think there's one person for everyone - but that you are compatible with many. However, if there is one thing I learned, is that in love, there is a choice. I can't say I ever knew that my wife was the "one," but I moved forward in faith & in love. Well, that's my story and I hope it may help make things clearer than cloudy.
And, if there was a lot of fighting in your parents relationship, this could be influencing your fear of commitment in relationships. You learned about relationships from your parents - Now learn more about dealing with emotions & how to deal with women's emotions.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: finding contentment in the woman I am with - 5/30/2008 9:45:39 AM
|
|
|
AslansChild
Posts: 42
Joined: 6/30/2005
Status: offline
|
I think what finally convinced me was that I understood who God wanted me to be with and he would join us together. I believe that God has someone in mind for you but I don't believe that there is only one person you can marry. Let me explain. My wife is who God planned for me, if not she wouldn't be my wife. But I feel that within certain parameters (I know this doesn't sound very romantic) the peron I married would have been who God planned for me anyway. Unless you are totally going against God's will (unequally yoked) than the person you marry is who God planned for you to marry. I think we get to caught up in the romantic side of relationships that society perpetuates as well as some Christian ideas around angels singing when we meet the "ONE". I also believe the whole "I don't believe God has called us to be together" is the biggest cop out of all. Do not blame God for your inabaility to enter into a committed relationship. More likely at that point, you are going against God's will.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: finding contentment in the woman I am with - 5/30/2008 11:27:01 AM
|
|
|
CoachSteve
Posts: 58
Joined: 5/26/2008
Status: offline
|
Going against God's will because I left her, or because I am trying to decide if I want to try and work things out(if she will take me back)?
She is a Christian, and although not perfect, does try to live a good Godly woman's life. she tells me she is saved, and I believe her. I never used God as why I was not in love withher. I hope I didn't imply that. the phrase about knowing she is the one comes from some of my Christian friends. that is why it bothers me. no one's experiences are the same and no body can have the exact same reactions to emotions as anyone else. that is why I think that Love is not that feeling of "OH SHE IS THE ONE WITHOUT A DOUBT" can work for some people, but not for others. Maybe that is what I am looking for, is the 100% confirmation, Angels singing, birds chirping, type of confirmation. i don't think it will ever happen. I want to be in God's will and pray for that everyday. I am scared and I don't want to make a mistake, because to me marriage is forever. divorce is not an options save the one instance in the Bible. I know that is not a good answer, Men are not supposed to be cowards.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: finding contentment in the woman I am with - 5/31/2008 1:54:58 PM
|
|
|
CoachSteve
Posts: 58
Joined: 5/26/2008
Status: offline
|
so I am going to speak to her today. over the last month that we have been apart, I have done a ton of praying and counselling with pastor's, and trusted Christian friends. I have done a lot of think about what I want, and what God wants. I really do love her, and can only think of being with her. I don't know if she will accept my apologies, or even want to speak to me again, but I feel that if I don't tell her how I really feel, I will regret it for the rest of my life. I honestly can't see myself with anyone else. If it is God's will then it will happen, if not then he as someone else in mind for me. That is all I can bank on right now.
I don't think it will change her mind, and i don't think I will be with her but i have to tell her. i do appreciate all the advice and opinions that I have been given here. Please pray for me as I go through today, and possibly start my single life over again. thanks again guys.
|
|
|
|
 New Messages |
 No New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/ New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/o New Messages |
 Locked w/ New Messages |
 Locked w/o New Messages |
|
 Post New Thread
Reply to Message
Post New Poll
Submit Vote
Delete My Own Post
Delete My Own Thread
Rate Posts |
|
|
|
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
