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grieving alone - 7/7/2008 10:24:03 AM
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joy2give2u
Posts: 4355
Joined: 9/19/2006
From: Indiana
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I am really struggling today and I need help/advice...........yes for once I am making a thread not just to encourage discussion but to actually seek advice.
How do you handle grieving alone? How do you reach out to another single person who is grieving?
I use to pray I would marry before my father passed away because I did not think I could handle his dying without a husband to lean on.
God gave me strength I did not know I had as I turned to him to take the role of a husband when I was grieving.
God also brought some amazing friends to me in support.
I remember the first few weeks after my father died the things which meant the most to me were two friends who just came and sat with me on the deck outside. They did not talk, or ask me questions.......they just sat there with me..........physically they were just there for me.
Another friend, Rach, came and helped with the little task I was too distraught with which to deal. My mind was so goofy back then........I remember trying to gather pictures for the funeral and my mind being blank on how to scan and save the pictures to a cd. Rach was so calm and helpful.
A third friend spoke to me almost every night on the phone. He let me talk about my father and often other things........It was nice to laugh and cry.
When Rach's father died I knew what to do.......because I knew what had meant to most to me when my father died.
But now I don't know what to do........My heart is broken and I don't know what to do.
One of my best friends, someone I have loved and known longer then any other friend in my life, just lost her mother.
She called me at 2:30am Sunday morning, after she found out, and we talked for almost three hours........I felt I was helping a little.
She called me at 9:30 am Sunday morning.........her pain had increased by 10 fold.........she is falling apart and I can't help her.
I can't do things for her..........I can't just be there physically for her...........I can't talk to her every night.
She is down on the ice.....alone...........oh she has friends there but no one who knew her mother and their relationships..........no one who had walked through life with her.
She is all alone.......she has no one and I can't be there for her.........and I don't know what to do.
I can't imagine how I would have made it without my friends and family.........and even more so I can't imagine how I could have made it without the Lord standing in the gap for a husband.
How do I help Kimber?? I know I can pray for her, which I am doing.......I know I can ask others to pray for her which I am doing..........but how do I help her not feel so very alone through this all.
She kept talking about how she wishes she was married..........if only she was married..........
What do I say to her? How do I help her? How can I be there for her?
Please pray for her......and for me.......
Please Lord help me help her not feel so very alone......
I may know what it feels like to lose a parent, who meant the world to me, but I don't know what it is like to have to face it alone.
As a single person I have felt alone but never have I been alone..........
Dear Lord help me please......help me help her not feel so very alone.
What do I do Lord?
_____________________________
It is better to communicate the Spirit of what the Word says then the actual words read
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RE: grieving alone - 7/7/2008 11:02:30 AM
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Focusing
Posts: 5339
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I wish I could offer some useful advice.
Being there physically, just near someone, is so helpful. So meaningful. Words are not necessary, as you said.
Be there to answer the phone and listen to her as she expresses her thoughts.
Cards ... physical written words of condolences, acknowleding the pain she is going through, gives her something tangible to touch and look at and read when she doesn't want to talk.
I don't know. I'm still struggling in this myself. Even though I have friends near and far, I still feel very alone.
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RE: grieving alone - 7/7/2008 11:22:36 AM
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joy2give2u
Posts: 4355
Joined: 9/19/2006
From: Indiana
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quote:
Being there physically, just near someone, is so helpful. So meaningful. Words are not necessary, as you said. This is what is so hard..........I can't be there physically.....to sit beside her or hug her........I can't even hold her hand during the funeral.
She can't get off the ice to even go to the funeral.
I am going for her....
I love my family. Though Kimber is my friend her pain touches them deeply. Two of my sisters have offered to go to the funeral with me though they did not know her mother and barely knew Kimber.
I think the loss touches each them, my sisters, profoundly because each is so thankful for a family where there is always someone to lean on.
Remember the movie "While you were sleeping"?
I cry every time I see the movie.........not at the silly romance part but at her loneliness........especially the part where she says she fell in love with the family.
I can't imagine what it would be like to not have family........to have no one........to be an orphan.
That is what Kimber said............She is an orphan with no family..........
quote:
Cards ... physical written words of condolences, acknowleding the pain she is going through, gives her something tangible to touch and look at and read when she doesn't want to talk. I can send a card but the ship only comes in once a month.......so I can't do anything now.........I am going to send her email each day but that just seems so impersonal.
When her father died I went to San Antonio with her. She needed to get away and deal with her pain in her way but she also needed someone with her. I went.
I would go to her now but it is impossible.............
Has anyone ever faced the death of a loved one alone? What helped?
_____________________________
It is better to communicate the Spirit of what the Word says then the actual words read
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RE: grieving alone - 7/7/2008 1:03:14 PM
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WaitingforBoaz
Posts: 3273
Joined: 2/11/2008
From: The Hundred Acre Wood
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I have so many wonderful friends that have been there for me during the grieving of my husband. They have been a lifeline for me. I have had listening ears and shoulders to cry on and some one just to be there....doing and saying nothing. God has truly blessed me.
But....when it comes right down to it, in a way, we all grieve alone or rather with the One who is truly able to take our pain and comfort us. It really sounds like you are doing all that you can. God will direct you, I am sure, with the timing of a phone call or what to say in an email, but praying that she will turn to Him during this time is about the best thing you can do.
_____________________________
Nadine
"It's like everything good collided today" quote from my 8yr old daughter
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RE: grieving alone - 7/7/2008 1:09:05 PM
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joy2give2u
Posts: 4355
Joined: 9/19/2006
From: Indiana
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Thanks Nadine.......and I know you are right......
Many years ago I was really struggling with her walking away from the Lord and becoming agnostic.
I remember I was praying about her and two other friends when I heard God's voice say to turn to Mark 5.
I did
The three circumstances addressed in Mark 5 matched perfectly the things I was praying about with my three friends.
I know God told me that K is not dead, spiritually as I thought she was, but sleeping and that he would wake her up.
I believe that.......and I am going to continue to believe it as I pray into it happening.
I know in my spirit and my mind that praying for Jesus to be to whom she turns is the most important thing I can do.
It is just so hard not to be able to do more........
I just love her so much.......and hate that she has to hurt so badly.
Why does life have to be hard sometimes?
_____________________________
It is better to communicate the Spirit of what the Word says then the actual words read
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RE: grieving alone - 7/7/2008 1:48:11 PM
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John_O
Posts: 6961
Joined: 9/5/2006
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I agree with Nadine. We all grieve alone.
Be there for her as much as you can.
Email her daily. It may be impersonal but it shows that you are thinking of her.
Call when you can.
Be available to handle things up here as much as you can for her.
And the rest you know. Pray for her that she'll let God comfort her.
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Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: grieving alone - 7/7/2008 2:07:22 PM
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Above_All
Posts: 12017
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: man's rib
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I was thinking the same.
Having others around is great but ultimately, we need to grieve alone with G-d. Sometimes we are so used to having another person around when we are going through tough times. G-d will show you and your friend just what you need from friends and what you need just from Him.
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<--- Our engagement sketch
Table for Two...Making disciples
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RE: grieving alone - 7/7/2008 2:37:04 PM
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joy2give2u
Posts: 4355
Joined: 9/19/2006
From: Indiana
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quote:
You can take comfort in the fact that God has her exactly where He wants her and that this may be the very thing that he uses to draw her to Him. I am praying this is so......
Thank you for your replies..........I still don't have any answers as to how to help her.
I spent about an hour looking at pictures she has sent me the last few months.........the beauty is beyond words........in it I saw God.
I saw God in the pictures.....my prayer is she will see God as well.......and not in a picture but in the real thing........
The contrast between her heart's pain and the breath taking beauty of her surroundings........speaks loudly.......my prayer is she begins to desire that which she sees on the outside to be on the inside......and God comes in even more beauty and glory to her heart.
Recently my heart was imprinted with a verse..........2 chronicles 20:17.........it keeps circling around in my mind/spirit today.....
You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your position (that Jesus will use her pain and grief to wake k up); stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you.
The battle is not mine to fight........not this one or any others in my life.........The battle is God's to fight.........
I will approach this battle as I am the others........with my voice lifted in praise.........singing songs of worship......
_____________________________
It is better to communicate the Spirit of what the Word says then the actual words read
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RE: grieving alone - 7/7/2008 2:57:19 PM
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joy2give2u
Posts: 4355
Joined: 9/19/2006
From: Indiana
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Wow God amazes me..........I know what to write......what to say to her.
I went back to read the verse I mentioned in the previous post.........and God made something jump out at me......catch my attention.
verse 21.......After consulting the people, Jehoshaphat appointed men to sing to the Lord and to praise him for the splendor of his holiness as they went out at the head of the army, saying: Give thanks to the Lord, for his love endures forever.
Did you read that part.........he sent men, he is sending me, to praise him for the splendor of his holiness..........you can't look at the beauty surrounding the base she is on without seeing the splendor of his holiness.......
When I was looking at the pictures I kept singing the song........the splendor of his name.......clothes in majesty........and all the earth rejoice.........and all the earth rejoice.......
How great is our God...come sing with me How great is our God....and all the world will sing how great is our God.......
I sent her am email.........talking about the beauty......the splendor of the scenery she sent.........and I know as I praise the splendor of his holiness through nature.......all around her.......the mountains and sea will join me in singing How great is our God........and all the earth(kimber) will rejoice.....
Thank you Lord......for showing me what to do.
Thank you Lord......for clothing your montians in your majesty........
Thank you Lord......for reminding me the battle is not mine but yours......and for comforting me by sharing your plans with me.........I love you so much.
_____________________________
It is better to communicate the Spirit of what the Word says then the actual words read
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RE: grieving alone - 7/7/2008 9:30:52 PM
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drmomjoyce
Posts: 96
Joined: 11/9/2006
From: hamilton, canada via perth aust
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This topic is so very close to my heart - too close. Although the circumstances are very different the grief it there and its awfully intense.
Last November was the 1st of 4 children close to me who died in the space of 6 months. This little boy was a patient of mine in the community but over time he became the closest thing to my own child. His condition was fatal and over time i had to accept it. I was the stand in for his parents on many occasions - the only stand in they had for the last 5 months of his life. I could go on about the delightful child he was, such a sweet loving child - but suffice to say that after spending 2 months in hospital (his last 4 weeks in ICU) he peacefully died at the end of November. Knowing that his condition was terminal was supposed to prepare me for his death. But even though i grieved before hand, the grief afterwards was like nothing i have ever experienced. On the day of his funeral i felt i was burying my own child. The days earlier this year have been truly difficult. I am normally an upbeat sociable person - but couldnt hold a conversation worth my life. And that was over a number of months.
What has helped??? I found a devotional book on grieving a child to be really helpful - it told me that i wasnt going crazy and all what i was feeling was all grief. Sisters helped me, those who would just listen, not to discredit what you feel no matter how irrational it was, but just to listen. One sister had a book on grief and the night before i said goodbye to him she read out a whole chapter on what to expect. But the fact that she would sit on the end of the phone and listen to me sob until i was almost hysterical meant the world to me. (BTW my whole family live in 2 different countries from me.)
When the 3rd child died i realised that I couldnt go on anymore. In the meantime i had adopted my son (who came home 2 months after the first boy died), I ended up going for councelling. The first session i just cried thru and couldnt stop and she gave me a shaking up and told me I was on the verge of a depression. That certainly made me really look at myself and i realized i was living without hope. I was on tenderhooks waiting for the next child to die and was subconsciously assuming my son was next. What an awful way to live. Again some books she gave helped me recognise that
I am not sure how accessible you are phone wise, but being on the end of a phone and reassuring her that she can call anytime, is probably the best you can do. Dont contradict what she feels - i had times when i felt like going to the cemetary and laying next to this little boy in the grace and hugging his coffin. Very irrational but such a real feeling. Dont assume that she will be able to read the Word of God - even though that is probably the best thing, I couldnt concentrate on any of it. Praying didnt seem to help and i dont mean to be irreverant when I say that.
But listening listening is the best you can offer. And dont forget your losses are helping her even if it doesnt feel like it. Your responces will be well thought out and tried and true.
Another thing that helped me was the poem The weaver - (not sure if we are allowed to post it) about the tapestry where we see the bottom but God sees the top. When my cousin (who lost her baby to SIDS 13 years ago) gave me that poem i wasnt really too enthralled until i read the part of the dark threads making the light more beautiful and finally a reason for all this darkness was understood. People would say well you loved him so much and thats why your grief is so great - but in my heart i would think = he doesnt know how much i am greiving , but then reading this poem it made more sense and gave me courage to go on.
Sorry about the rambling
Joyce
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RE: grieving alone - 7/7/2008 9:53:48 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 977
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When my brother died, I grieved alone. When everyone was telling me to get over it, only after a week of his death, and everyone was telling me I was being a drama queen, I knew I would have to grieve alone. I could not show anyone how difficult it was for me to lose someone I had the highest respect and admiration for. He was my hero. I think to this day, I'm still grieving and it's been 5 years. I still cry, but most often, I only smile when I remember him.
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My lovely daughter and me
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RE: grieving alone - 7/7/2008 10:27:10 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 977
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quote:
What do I say to her? How do I help her? How can I be there for her
As someone who experienced grief due to death, The best thing I could think of what a person could do for me was to let me remember my brother during The time of grief. I needed so badly to talk about him. To remember everything that he was because I didn't want to forget. The idea that I would forget him in time made my sadness worst. I needed to talk in order to remember. The last thing I needed was for someone to tell me to let go. When you're holding someone so dear in your heart, letting go is not an option. You know they are gone, but you want to hold on and all you have are all The good memories.
Perhaps, that's something you can do for your friend. let her talk.
_____________________________
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My lovely daughter and me
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RE: grieving alone - 7/8/2008 12:12:39 AM
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okrox
Posts: 126
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Random thoughts on this subject:
We have to be careful to not make it all about singleness. Grief bites. Married, single or whatever. It's called grief for a reason and it's hard. It's hard work. And the only way around it is through it.
Grief has its own schedule, its own time tables. Eventually it just comes and goes like the tides. Some grief goes away for good eventually. Some grief you make peace with and accept that it will always be with you.
The more complicated the relationship, the more complicated the grief. The simpler the relationship, the simpler the grief. Not easier, just less complicated.
You help a friend by being there, and letting them know it's good to be sad. There's something wrong with people who can't grieve.
If you feel like you're stuck, maybe you need professional help to give you some assistance. There's no shame in that. The Bible says to seek wisdom.
What a sad life it would be if you never cared about anyone enough to grieve, right?
I lost my dear brother unexpectedly right during the thick of my divorce. I can't imagine being married would have helped me much. In fact, when I was in a serious relationship a year later, it only made it worse. Made me delay my grief that much longer. I repeat: The only way around it is through it.
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Redeeming love has been my theme, and shall be 'til I die.
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RE: grieving alone - 7/8/2008 12:20:33 PM
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drmomjoyce
Posts: 96
Joined: 11/9/2006
From: hamilton, canada via perth aust
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quote:
ORIGINAL: okrox
Random thoughts on this subject:
We have to be careful to not make it all about singleness. Grief bites. Married, single or whatever. It's called grief for a reason and it's hard. It's hard work. And the only way around it is through it.
Grief has its own schedule, its own time tables. Eventually it just comes and goes like the tides. Some grief goes away for good eventually. Some grief you make peace with and accept that it will always be with you.
The more complicated the relationship, the more complicated the grief. The simpler the relationship, the simpler the grief. Not easier, just less complicated.
You help a friend by being there, and letting them know it's good to be sad. There's something wrong with people who can't grieve.
If you feel like you're stuck, maybe you need professional help to give you some assistance. There's no shame in that. The Bible says to seek wisdom.
What a sad life it would be if you never cared about anyone enough to grieve, right?
I lost my dear brother unexpectedly right during the thick of my divorce. I can't imagine being married would have helped me much. In fact, when I was in a serious relationship a year later, it only made it worse. Made me delay my grief that much longer. I repeat: The only way around it is through it.
I totally agree that grief is very much an alone thing. I watched the parents of the child I mentioned grief solo but also together. They have each other to share stories about their child that both of them are so willng ot listen to. Not many people will talk and listen the same way. So yes you do grieve alone but having people around to share stories about the ones who have gone on before us, is really lovely . I treasure the times that i can talk about this boy with his mum and she fills in stuff i didnt know. Oh how i loved this little tyke- and would love one more kiss and snuggle with him.
So in addition to my waffle above - i would encourage you to talk about the passed one, share stories, what you miss but mostly what you will remember and how much you enjoyed that person in your life....
Hugs to you all esp to you Prariehiker - my heart goes out to you doubly in not being able to grieve properly and having to pretend he doesnt exist anymore. I too didnt want to grieve - i had too much to do - but my councellor encouraged me to spend a half hour a week grieving this boy - reflecting on his life, looking at photos, reading the blog about his life (esp just prior to his first diagnosis). I must admit I am not doing it as she instructed me but when i do i feel much healthier for it. Perhaps this too would be a way you could grieve for your brother.
May God carry us thru these hard days and let us all long for the day when there will be no more weeping or sorrow. What a beautiful day that will be
Joyce
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