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emsolideogloria -> RE: Punishment for marital rape (7/8/2007 12:26:39 AM)
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I had a mild-mannered Christian professor tell my philosophy club quite definitively that there is no such thing as marital rape. I have since heard the sentiment a few times from hierarchial and patriarichal Christians.
The usual justification seems to be that the Christian spouse does not have power over his/her own body and that the wife owes her husband sex. As one poster on this thread put it, if she didn't want sex, she shouldn't have gotten married. Another individual compared wives to bought goods. Still another to children who have to obey in what is asked of them.
Multiple questions have been addressed in this thread, but let's start with the original one: Does it exist and what should be the punishment. It does exist. The punishment should be the same as for extra-marital rape. Godly men don't rape their wives. And, the joyful obligation of one spouse to satisfy the other's sexual desires does not mean that one person has the right to force the other. To put it differently, just because she is obligated before God to give herself to her husband doesn't mean that he has the right before God to force her to graftify any sexual desire he may have, including brutalization and physical injury. She is not an object for his use. Before she is his wife, she is his sister in the Lord -- with him, she is the bride of Christ. Shepherdandsheep also made the very good point that tempting her to sin is sin on her husband's part. Is punishment as a sex offender too harsh for husbands? No -- not if they really did it. Few marriages survive a rape conviction. It is important for the wife who is brave enough to come forward and report a rape to know that she has protection under the law. The husband can seem to be completly in control and her fear of him so complete that reporting the crime seems impossible. Add to that the fact that discussing this subect is taboo in the church and many church leaders will just blame her for not being a good enough wife and many Christian women will just take the abuse without ever confronting their abuser. Imagine the courage involved in applying Matthew 18 to a husband who rapes you. And, see the next question for the false accusation issue.
But other good points have been raised here:
What about false accusations of rape? They do happen. They are wrong. In a culture that sometimes is more inclined to believe that men are sinners than women, I can understand men being skittish about the whole subject of marital rape because of the possibility of false accusation. But, false accusations happen outside of marriage too. Women are sinners too. And, who would want to eliminate all rape, incest and child abuse laws because of the reality of false accusations? Such a "cure" is far worse than the "disease."
How do you prove marital rape? Except in cases of extreme brutality, it is very difficult. Few marital rape cases are prosecuted and even fewer result in convictions by a jury. In a relationship which is inherently sexual - marriage - proving rape beyond a reasonable doubt is no easy matter. Physical evidence can prove that sex occurred, but whether it was consensual is often "he said / she said," unless there is injury. Even where there is minor physical damage, the sex may have been consensual, but rough -- as has already been observed. That doesn't mean marital rape is ever right -- if the threat of force or psychological manipulation is used to force the wife, it is just as wrong, but much harder to prove.
Isn't it just as wrong for the wife to refuse her husband? It is wrong. I don't believe it is just as wrong, but before I go there, let me elaborate on the first point. Believe it or not, sometimes men don't feel like it either. In a healthy marriage, both partners lay down their own wishes to serve each other. Sometimes that means not having sex when you want to and sometimes that means having sex when you don't want to -- for both husbands and wives. Ideally, no spouse would ever say "no" but ideally, none of us would ever sin against each other in any way. Both men and women were created to have healthy sexual desire for each other. Many things -- from hormone levels, to exhastion, to past abuse, can alter that desire. But for men, biological realities make sexual fulfillment more urgent than for women. I wouldn't want to say "just deal" to men who are being refused sex on a regular basis. Marriage is supposed to be God's provision for sexual desire. A wife who consistently refuses sex to her husband is not honoring God or her husband, and I say that knowing that there are many reasons she may do this and many of them may have to do with her husband's sins against her. Again, just because he has sinned against her, doesn't mean she has the right to sin against him. And tempting him to sin, is sin. To both husband and wife, Scripture would suggest that a pattern of sexual refusal requires Matthew 18 loving confrontation, including Christian counseling, ideally from your pastor. Why isn't refusal as serious as rape (and deserving of criminal punishment)? Well, think about it. One is a sin of omission and the other of commission. Both are wrong but the level of relational damage is usually different. One act of rape entirely destroys trust in a relationship. One act of refusal results in frustration and a nocternal emission -- and may tempt him to self-gratification. And, if you think proving marital rape is tough, try proving refusal in a court of law! Another note for the men (and ladies too), sexual desire in marriage is not necessarily lust and it isn't wrong -- you are right about that. Desiring your spouse doesn't make you a creep. Abusing your spouse sexually does. If you are a normal guy or gal with healthy sexual desires, you may not even imagine the sort of cruelty and torture that some people can inflict on each other. But just because you wouldn't do it, doesn't mean it doesn't happen, and, yes, it does happen in the church too.
Let's practice the golden rule. But let's not naively assume that everyone does so.
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