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RE: Teton Rambler - 3/6/2006 10:25:40 AM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
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Seeking Answers . . .
. . . Receiving Answers
"Lord, You've given me new life;
The past is now behind me.
You have filled me with Your Love;
Your new life lays out before me."
I walked into the Sanctuary yesterday morning and everything was different.
The altar was in the middle of the room; and radiating outward from it north, south, east and west were the rows of chairs. Not the usual set-up of the altar being at the north end of the room, with the chairs filling the rest of the sanctuary, in front of the altar, southward.
Since I'm a front-row kinda gal, I first went to find out if the front rows were reserved. They weren't  (except the ones radiating northward were for the choir).
During Praise and Worship, one of the songs we sang was, "Lord I lift Your Name on High," by Rick Founds
Normally, the church uses the large video screens to display the words to the music. Since I usually have my eyes closed during Worship, I don't look at the screens. Besides, being a lover of worship music, I usually know the words to which song is being sung, anyway.
And as an aside, I don't particular care for video screens in church. That's not a degradation to anyone who does like them nor to anyone who operates the various equipment necessary to project words and images onto the screens. It's just one of my personal opinions.
Since we weren't using the video screens yesterday, the words to some of the songs we were singing yesterday were printed on paper, with everyone receiving their copy as they received their bulletin upon entering the church.
But, again, being one that closes my eyes during Praise and Worship, the piece of paper containing the songs remained in my bulletin. I simply don't like to have any distractions when I'm singing worship songs.
Going back to, "Lord I lift Your Name on High" . . . after we sang the song, the musicians kept playing; and so I thought we were going to repeat the song. We didn't; but what the rest of the church did do was to begin singing a "second verse" . . . those words are at the beginning of this post.
Not knowing them, I just remained silent. At the end of the 2nd line, I felt myself tearing up. By the end of the verse, I was definitely crying. Wiping away the tears was not sufficing neither. This was a full-blown searing-into-my-heart moment.
By the time we were about halfway through the next song, I still had not stopped crying, so I sat down, covered my face and pretty much bawled (without the audio effects).
These weren't tears of sadness . . . well, some of them were because CS immediately came to my mind when I heard the words to this unique verse. The majority of tears, however, were Spirit-led and Spirit-given. For, in fact, those very words that I was hearing were Words of Confirmation from Our Lord to answers I have been seeking from Him for a few months.
I remember thinking, "Lord, did you have to choose TODAY to speak to me like this?" . . . Asked in prideful arrogrance, because I realized that the way the chairs were situated, 3/4 of the church could see me (that is, if they didn't have their eyes closed). I also had the thought of leaving the Sanctuary so I could go cry by myself.
I laughed at myself even while I felt Abba chastising me, "Sharon-Marie, I will speak to you whenever and however I choose." I also felt Him telling me to stay put and to not leave the Sanctuary.
I pretty much cried throughout the rest of Worship.
It was so incredibly cleansing. So deeply comforting.
I have my answers, and so now I can proceed in confidence. HIS Confidence. HIS Protection. HIS Mercy. HIS Everlasting Love and Kindness.
I am not alone . . . nor have I been . . . nor will I ever be.
I always know this . . . but it's so wonderful to be reminded of it 
Thank you so very much, Jesus.
For Your Great Honor and Glory, Lord.
Always.
Interestingly enough, before yesterday, I had never heard the "2nd verse of, "Lord I lift Your Name on High. Nor could I find it through Google; not even by searching for each specific line of the verse. Pastor made no mention of whether someone in the congregation had written it. This very mysterious verse appeared to me "from nowhere." Our God is so Good!
< Message edited by whiteroseblessings -- 3/6/2006 10:27:51 AM >
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RE: Teton Rambler - 3/8/2006 9:59:55 AM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
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"Lord, You've given me new life;
The past is now behind me.
You have filled me with Your Love;
Your new life lays out before me."
Those, of course, are the words I quoted in last blog post. You might possibly remember that I also wrote that I didn't know who the author of those words were; nor could I find anyting about it on Google.
Y'all . . . Our Lord is so Incredibly Good!
I had an opportunity yesterday morning to tell my Pastor and a small group of ladies from the church about my personal experience on Sunday.
After I did so, Pastor tells me that He is the author of those words! He said he wrote them (I think, going by memory) 10-12 years ago! He also said, that in the entire time that has spanned since he's wrote them and in the many times that he has used those words to accompany, "Lord I lift Your Name on High," no one had ever commented on them until I did so yesterday morning.
Is that not amazing! It is so truly awesome.
Thank You, Abba!
"Lord, You've given me new life;
The past is now behind me.
You have filled me with Your Love;
Your new life lays out before me."
-- written by Rev. Dr. Paul Hayden
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RE: Teton Rambler - 3/12/2006 2:28:11 PM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
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Open my heart to what You know
So I can stretch, so I can grow
My feelings toss me to and fro
Open my heart to what You know
1st verse to, "Open My Heart," words and music by Keith Lancaster; performed by Acapella Praise & Worship (specifically, for me, from, "In HIS Presence")
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RE: Teton Rambler - 3/17/2006 1:35:28 PM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
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To Walt - On "Our" Special Day
As y'all may remember, I was adopted by my maternal grandmother (Shirley) and her second husband (Walt) when I was 3 months old.
As y'all may also remember, I have dubbed the years from when I was 21 through 31 as, "My Decade of Healing."
During those first few years of that 10-year period, I would often wonder WHY Shirley and Walt adopted me. I would also, during periods of self-pity mixed with hurt and bitterness, wonder if I would have been better off staying with my biological mother. That's a pretty harsh question - no matter which way one looks at it. I don't ask myself those kinds of questions anymore.
I wouldn't know this until years later . . . but the first time Walt saw me was at the train station in SanFrancisco. Shirley had flown out to take custody of my brother and me, and Walt came out on the train as soon as he could take leave from work so they could finalize our adoptions. He got off the train, took one look at us and said, "My beautiful little red-headed Irish babies!" I found this out when I was about 16, during one of Dad's heavy drinking bouts. During that particular evening, he also told me that he had loved me from the first moment he saw me.
Drinking does strange things to a person . . . long-held secrets and never-before unspoken truths can spill out from a person before there's even time to stop them.
As far back as I can remember, Walt and I had a very tumultuous relationship; especially after Shirley died. I was 10 years old. He dove deeper and deeper into the bottle, and I was left to pretty much raise myself.
Uhm, I didn't do so well.
Hence, "My Decade of Healing," . . . a wonderful, precious Gift from Our Lord that I will always treasure and hold close to my heart. Thank You, Abba!
Yep, Dad's and my relationship with each other was pretty rocky, to say the least. I was a mouthy, disrespectful brat; and he was an alcoholic parent, who sometimes was even an absent parent.
And as strange as it was, I knew that he would always be there for me AND I knew that he would never physically hurt me in any way. For me, those 2 qualities were a rarity in my life, and so very much needed by me.
Dad always stood by me. Always. When I became pregnant with Christopher, he stood by me. When I divulged the sexual abuses that I endured (as a child and as an early teenager) from various people, he stood by me and even ended a very important relationship with someone (the step-mother of one of the abusers; she knew I was telling the truth but didn't want to face it). He essentially put his relationship with me before his relationship with his friend. I was absolutely astonished over this.
There are many more instances of how Dad showed his love for me; but those are 2 of the most important ones. They also were the beginning of helping me change my attitude towards him.
The drinking, however, continued . . . and became more and more devastating.
By my early 20s, I had had enough. I told him I loved him, but that I could no longer be around him when he was drinking. I asked him to not call me during his drinking times. Pretty heavy request of someone who drinks to excess.
When I was 25, we had the most tremendous breakthrough!
The drinking still continued, but the relationship had forever changed - and for the better . . . another one of my very treasured Gifts from Abba.
The healing between the two of us during the following months was beyond incredible. I hope Dad felt the same way about it.
When I was 26, my father suffered a fatal heart attack.
What a precious, precious gift we had . . . that last year of his life.
Thank You, Jesus.
(continued in next post)
edited: to correct a typo 
< Message edited by whiteroseblessings -- 3/17/2006 1:44:46 PM >
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RE: Teton Rambler - 3/17/2006 1:42:23 PM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
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(continued from previous post)
Each year, at least one person will ask me why St. Patrick's Day is so special to me; why is it my absolute favorite holiday out of the entire year?
This year, again, a few people have asked.
From as far back as I can remember, Dad always made a big deal out of St. Patrick's Day for me. Green carnations were always a part of the day. From wrist corsages, to pin corsages to vases; I always got green carnations from Dad on St. Patrick's Day.
Even after I moved out and on my own, Dad still gave me green carnations each March 17th. That first year on my own, I came home . . . and there in the middle of my table was a vase absoluely full of green carnations. The note on the table simply said, "You'll always be my beautiful red-headed Irish baby girl. I love you. Dad"
I celebrate St. Patrick's Day for a myriad of reasons; most of them pretty narcissistic in nature. 
I love this day because it reminds me of my ancestry. People should care about their ancestry; who came before them. Every race, every culture is important and valid. We are ALL God's children.
I love this day because it reminds me of my earthly daddy who deeply loved me, even though most of the time he had trouble expressing it.
I love this day because it reminds my of my Heavenly Daddy who promises to take everything meant for harm and turn it to good. HE has done that so very many times in my life. HE has given me so many gifts; one of my most treasured is the last year of Walt's life and our relationship with and forgiveness towards each other during that time period.
Thank You, Jesus! Thank You!
Happy St. Patrick's Day, Dad!
With much love,
Your Irish Baby Girl
Happy
St. Patrick's Day
Y'all!!!
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RE: Teton Rambler - 4/29/2006 11:38:57 AM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
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Breaking-up is Hard to Do
The first time it happened was about 4 months ago. I walked around for a few days trying to sort it out in my mind. "It" was a dream I had in which CS had abadoned our relationship and was now with another woman.
The dream was very painful and the pain all centered around loosing him. Interestingly, in the dream, I wasn't really that upset about "the other woman" part; not having CS in my life was the source of grief in this dream.
Around the time that this dream took place, during my waking hours I was intently focusing on a few tasks that, if CS were alive such things wouldn't even need to be done at all. But CS is no longer alive, and the tasks were there - demanding to be done. The realization of that, once again (as it has many times these past several months), hit me full force: "CS isn't here; he' no longer alive. And the reason he isn't alive is because he took his life."
And then, that night, the dream came.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
This week has been another one of intense focusing on things that need to be done because of CS's death. In fact, "this" will be ongoing for the next few months.
Needs must.
The other day I was sorting through some of his papers; deciding which ones I should keep, which ones should be distributed to someone else, etc.
And, as very frequently is the case, I had enough and started crying. I miss him so much; so incredibly deeply. I have never grieved a death on the level I have grieved CS's death. It goes very much completely beyond anything else I have ever experienced. I know that part of it is because he was my husband and because I have never loved another human being as deeply as I love CS.
But the pain goes even beyond that.
I'm dealing with 2 griefs here: his death AND the manner in which he died. I may have said this here before (I know I have sure thought it many times before): Both aspects are very painful, but I can accept the fact that CS died much much better than I can come to terms with "how" he died.
Suicide is horrendous. (I know I've said that in here before). It is absolutely horrendous.
Two nights ago, I had another dream in which CS had left me for another woman. Last night, the dream continued.
In a very real and stark contrast, CS was beyond faithful to me during both our marriage and even our dating relationship. I never once doubted his love for me nor his honor towards me. Nor do I now, retrospectively.
The dreams I've had do not have any valid base nor purpose; but I do find it oddly interesting that in my imagination I would rather go through the pain of "another woman" than go through the very real, very here-and-now pain of coming to terms with the fact that my husband took his life.
That very thing will forever be the biggest paradox of CS. He was truly the kindest and most gentle person I have ever known - and yet, he committed one of the most violent acts a person can do.
I was listening to Reba McEntyre while I was baking cookies yesterday morning:
Baby, I'll take care of you; I'll never let you down.
No harm will ever come to you as long as I'm around.
I am not afraid of what people say or do
The only thing that hurts is being here without you.
(from "Bobby," written by Reba McEntire and Don Schlitz)
CS, I do feel as if I let you down. Harm did come to you; the most horrific harm of all . . . and I couldn't stop it; I couldn't prevent it.
My mind tells me differently. My mind KNOWS that what you did was your own choice. My heart, however isn't quite grasping it yet. It's not that easy; not that black-and-white.
Being here without you has brought me to a level of pain that I've never known before in my entire life.
I miss you so very much. I love you more than I will ever be able to convey.
Rest in HIS Peace, Sweetie.
Jesus, Lord, I give You this pain and I ask that You turn it to Your Good. Thank You, Lord for carrying me through this time. Thank You for Your ever-present Peace and Comfort. Thank You, for Your Wisdom and Your Guidance.
For Your Honor and Your Glory, Lord.
Amen.
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RE: Teton Rambler - 6/3/2006 6:49:24 PM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
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Reflections Gathered on a
Quiet Saturday Afternoon
It's been a whirlwind of activity, these past few weeks.
I'm currently endeavoring and hoping and praying towards an soon end . . . a wrapping up, if you will . . . of all the necessary tasks that must be completed on someone's behalf after that someone dies. And in the midst of this, I am continually reminded that this "someone" was my husband.
CS, sometimes I miss you so much, that I wonder if I will be able to bear the pain of it all.
Sometimes I am so incredibly angry with you that it truly scares me.
Sometimes I can so deeply understand and feel the pain you must have been in that all I can do is to weep for you, weep from the very depth of my being.
Sometimes I feel so utterly guilty for not being able to help you. I never know what to do with the guilt.
In fact, truth be told, I don't know what to do with any of this. The ONLY thing I can do is to give it all to Jesus. HE is The Only Way I have been able to get through all of this.
And so that's what I do, Sweetie.
I give you to Our Lord.
I give all this pain to Our Lord.
I give me to Our Lord.
And then I go on. But it's not a one-time thing. This giving to Our Lord . . . sometimes I'm ok for a few days; but more often than not, the only way I can make it through even one day is by continually giving it all to Our Lord.
I miss you terribly, CS. I think of you even when I'm not even trying to. Memories of you, memories of us, invade every aspect of my life. I give that to Our Lord as well. I love you and I always will; I know this. I also truly, truly pray that you have found and am resting in HIS Peace.
And in the midst of this, I know that I have so many choices.
I could choose to just give up and let all of "this" get the better of me. But what would the point be in my doing that? It would just make one tragedy even more tragic.
I could choose to become embittered. But that would require a cessation of laughter in my life, and I'm definitely not willing to do that. Laughter gives me new life every single time I either simply giggle or have an all-out raucous belly laugh. I love and cherish my laughing times. Besides, have y'all ever really looked at a truly bitter person? It shows all over their face - and it ain't pretty! No, I readily admit that I really do not want to turn into an ugly ole sour-puss.
I could choose to stuff all this, uhm, unpleasantness . . . but frankly, that would not be wise at all. Stuffing one's emotions does nothing except add fuel to a slow-burning fire that eventually turns into an explosion.
What a waste of years lived to ignore what should not and must not be ignored. And what a waste of years lived to allow oneself to become blinded to the ongoing Beauty and Wonder of Life because one has chosen to not feel. It's not an either /or thing. We cannot choose to feel the good and ignore the not-so-good. It's a packaged deal; all or nothing.
MY CHOICE is to deal with whatever comes up as it comes up.
Frankly, I'm so incredibly weary of the grief. It is truly exhausting. But, CS was not just a casual acquaintence that I met at the coffee shop (although we DID, in fact, actually meet at the coffee shop). CS was the love of my life. The grief is deep, and . . . those almost 12 months ago when I looked at him for the last time . . . I knew it would be. So I take each day as it comes and deal with whatever happens when it happens.
And in the midst of that, Our Lord has also let me know that it's time to begin planning MY life without CS; my life after I get all the legalities taken care of. And, in the midst of it all, I am looking forward to being able to start my life anew. I will always carry CS with me in my heart, but I am living and he is not.
I cannot live my life if I don't live it fully; and I cannot live it fully if I am in perpetual mourning. I find no good in that at all; and I'm quite very sure that CS wouldn't consider it at all honoring to him. What would honor him would be for me to truly LIVE my life.
One of my first paid calligraphy projects, about 18 years ago, was a quote by Jonathan Swift . . . "May You Live All the Days of Your Life."
I got it then, and I get it now.
Thank You, Jesus.
For YOUR Honor and YOUR Glory, Lord.
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RE: Teton Rambler - 6/11/2006 10:55:34 AM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
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Blessed Assurance
This past Friday morning, I posted over in that ramblin' chat thread that I needed prayer. It was pretty urgent. I specifically asked for Our Lord's Wisdom and Guidance and HIS Peace and Assurance.
I actually started to ask for Comfort; in fact, I had already typed the word. But HIS Holy Spirit prompted me to change it to Assurance, so I did.
After reflecting on that, I knew exactly what I was needing HIS Assurance on; a few very specific things, actually.
The night before I had been verbally slammed up against a few walls; and during that time I had been accused of not really loving CS; of lying and being manipulative towards him and a few other people, etc., etc.
Normally, I would just "consider the source" and go on. Just because someone might tell me that I'm a tree doesn't make me a tree. The Truth is immovable and does not change just because someone says it does.
I was also accused of being dirty, disgusting, evil and not Christian . . . and actually quite a few other things as well.
As I said, "normally," I just would have been able to shrug it off; I would have prayed for the person who said those things and I would have gone on with my life.
But this past year has not been anywhere near normal for me . . . and the vulnerability and pain that I have felt have been on a much deeper level than anything I've ever experienced in my entire life.
So I spent the next 3 or 4 hours crying on the phone with a friend of mine as she pried me off the ceiling and scraped me off the walls and put salve on my wounded spirit. She helped put me back together again.. One of the first things I said to her when I called was, "I need prayer." I knew that she would definitely lift me and "the situation" up to our Abba. She, however, also knew that I also needed to get all that venom that had been spewed all over me out and off of me; and so she very patiently listened to me and asked pertinent questions and offered wonderful and edifying suggestions and encouragements. BTW, THIS particular friend is one of y'all . . . one of my very precious CW buddies. Thank You, Jesus!
But the next morning, I was pretty shaky again, so I asked y'all for prayer over in that ramblin' thread. And y'all so lovingly and willingly obliged. Thank you all very much.
I was absolutely inundated with HIS Assurance throughout the day on Friday.
Without even any prompting or knowledge of what had happened the night before, a couple of people that I ran into during my errands spontaneously started talking to me about CS and me . . . and the theme of the conversations was how very evident it was that CS and I loved each other and how much they enjoyed see us together because the love was so very real. Thank You, Jesus! Thank You, very much!
A couple more people that I ran into throughout the day started telling me . . . out of the blue . . . how they had been watching me this past year and they also gave me much needed encouragements regarding how I have been handling the task of being personal representative. Thank You, Jesus!
Later, after I got home from my morning errands, I received a phone call from a friend of mine, here in town, that I know continually prays for me. She told me that she felt Our Lord was telling her that she needed to call me. Thank You, Jesus!
I had already received another unpleasant phone call that morning; and by mid-morning, I was finding myself jumping every time the phone rang. So, when my in-town friend called, I didn't recgonize her voice. When she told me who she was, I started crying and I said, "Oh Thank You; a friendly voice!" We spent the next couple hours talking and she took me on a such lovely memory-lane trip. Several times during the conversation, she would say, "Sharon-Marie, I want to assure you . . ." She had not known that I had asked for HIS Assurance; but she certainly was one of the ways in which Our Abba was, in fact, assuring me. Thank You, Jesus! What a wonderful Blessing!
(continued in next post)
edited: for spelling
< Message edited by WhiteRoseBlessings -- 6/11/2006 11:04:31 AM >
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RE: Teton Rambler - 6/11/2006 11:01:38 AM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
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(continued from previous post)
Friday turned out to be a 2-trip day to the coffee shop.
So, while I was there a second time, a friend of mine that I don't get to see very often wondered into the coffee shop. We spent the next hour gabbing and laughing and talking about what Jesus was doing for us and so forth. At the end of what was her lunch hour, as she was leaving, she turned around and gave me one last hug and said, "I wondered why God was having me come all the way out here today. I'm so glad that HE did." Thank You, Jesus!
But wait . . . there's more!
Early Friday evening, the phone rang, and it was another friend of mine . . . and this friend is yet another one of y'all; my very dear CW buddies. She had seen my prayer request and was calling to check up on me. So, she and I spent the next 3 or 4 hours talking and gabbing and then laughing our silly little heads all over the place. Thank You, Jesus for laughter!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Friday morning I was in need of God's Assurance on a level that I wasn't even aware of. But HE knew. Friday was pretty emotional for me; but it was also very healing. Abba sent people into my life that day to specifically love me and to give me assurance . . . assurances that yes, indeed, CS loved me and that I most definitely love him. And assurances that YES, I am living my life as a Christian. Not perfectly; but yes, my Love for Our Savior is evident; not just by the words I say but by how I live my life.
I am Sharon-Marie, Daughter of the Most High King!!!
I will ask y'all to please continue praying for me. Please also prayer Thanksgiving prayers for everyone who is praying for me and helping me walk through all of this. Please pray for all the "unexpected" someones who blessed my life on Friday.
And also . . . PLEASE pray for the "other ones." Truly pray for them; please pray God's Blessings into their lives. Please pray for HIS Healing in their lives. After all is said and done, I truly pity them. Frankly, I would never want anyone to pity me; it's such a sad and lonely place to be. But I do pity them; I pity their motives and their behaivors. I pity their self-hatred that manifests itself towards hatred of others. Please pray breakthroughs in their lives that will be able to grasp WHO Jesus is and that HE is there for them and all they have to do is to reach out and accept HIM.
Thank you all so much for your prayers and your hugs and friendships. I count y'all as one of God's Blessings in my life.
Thank You Jesus for continually carrying me. Thank You that You're always with me! I Love You, Lord. Amen.
HIS Joy, y'all!
Sharon-Marie
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RE: Teton Rambler - 7/2/2006 10:25:25 PM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
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Beginning the Next Phase
June 13th marked one year since CS took his life. From phone calls and cards from some of my very precious Crosswalk family to phone calls and such from some of my offline friends, Abba kept me very much wrapped in HIS Love and HIS Comfort.
A friend of mine and I had planned to go up to where CS said goodbye to this world. I just wanted to be there on "that" day; CS and I had spent so much time up there together . . . it was important to me to revisit the place, to see if I even could. I was secretly hoping for a beautiful day . . . and Abba blessed me so much in that regard.
My friend and I spent about an hour up there; and then later, she and I went out to lunch and gabbed for a couple more hours. Afterwards, I went up to Jack's. I had asked him, several weeks prior, if he would share a beer with me in CS's memory on the anniversary . . . which was kinda weird seeing that I don't really drink a whole lot and CS drank even less - as in none. But that's what I wanted to do and Jack graciously obliged.
I came home that day, and there sitting on my deck waiting for me, was a beautiful arrangement of summer flowers from another of my friends.
It was a very loved-filled day for me. I am so very blessed to have the people in my life that I do. Thank you, Jesus.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The past 3 weeks have been a flurry of activity, stress and emotions. I'm having an auction later this month, and have been doing the necessary preparations.
Actually, I've been preparing for this auction for about 10 months now, periodically taking a few weeks' break as the need arose. It is simultaneously physically exhausting and emotionally draining to sift through a deceased loved one's possessions. My dad died in 1990 (June 26th); and so this is the second time in less than 2 decades that I've found myself doing this very task. I truly hope I never have to do this again.
By the way. . . I became a minimalist after packing up my dad's house. Actually, I was on the verge of doing so even before he died; but packing up his house just encouraged me all the more in that regard.
I still am a minimalist . . . but was definitely married to quite the opposite; CS (I think I've mentioned previously) was an avid collector and had many different passions towards what kinds of things to collect.
I'm looking forward to living a simple lifestyle again. I'm looking forward to not living in what I have dubbed a "warehouse."
Having said that, I also know that I would trade simplicity in a minute to have CS in my life again.
It's quite very complicated; loving someone changes all the rules.
The "auction people" (as I have so endearingly nicknamed them) are coming tomorrow to begin packing things up and taking them away.
Part of me is very much looking forward to this; as it will signify the beginning of the next phase I must walk through. It will also allow me to continue with my task of deciding what goes where in that I will now (and again) be able to have access to more things (that have been inaccessible for the last 10 months due to the basic fact of having only so much room to put everything).
Part of me, though, is feeling a bit melanchony. It's sinking in that I am truly saying goodby to CS's things; and that goodbye starts tomorrow. I've been saying goodbye to CS, himself, for the past year . . . but his things have always been here. Now, I'm going to be relinquishing the things that made CS, CS.
Even for a minimalist such as myself, it's a pretty hard thing to do . . . to let go of the physical things left behind by someone who is no longer alive.
I'll be ok. I KNOW this. I am reminded of the promise that Abba made to me the day that CS died . . . even before I knew that he had died . . . Abba promised me that He would take care of me and He encouraged me to "Be Not Afraid." That promise has helped me through many hard times this past year; I'm not about to discount it now.
My readings today took me to 1 Thessalonians 5 . . . specifically Verses 16-18: "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's Will for you in all circumstances."
This is so very applicable. My joy is not dependent upon whether or not I am happy in any given moment. The two are so very different. My joy is dependent soley upon Jesus - AND HE Always IS!
Pray continually . . . Prayer (mine, y'all's) is what has got me through this past year. There's no way I could have gotten through via Sharon-Marie; there's no way I would have wanted to try neither.
Give thanks in all circumstances . . . My thanks is that Abba has blessed me so incredibly deeply and continues to bless me so very exponentially. My thanks is for the people that He has put in my life (both offline and online) that have carried me through this past year. My thanks is that I am never alone; not ever.
For your Honor and Glory, Lord.
I love You.
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❖ Let's Discuss the Advent Season ❖
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RE: Teton Rambler - 7/8/2006 8:29:55 PM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
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Misty
Misty came into CS's life about 7-8 years ago, while he was mourning J's death. J and CS had been married for 22 years when she died from complications arising from Alzheimer's during the last 2 years of her life.
Throughout their marriage, CS and J had many pets (and many different types of pets); but in the latter years, there were no pets . . . CS was focusing his energies toward taking care of J.
One day . . . so the story goes, as told from CS to me . . . he called up the "family vet" and told them he wanted a cat; specifically a blue siamese cat. The vet's office promised they would call him when the first unclaimed blue cat showed up.
. . . Which, was a couple weeks later. "CS, we have your cat; you can come pick her up whenever you'd like."
Upon arriving at the vet's, they took CS into one of their play rooms and then brought in a very young, part-tabby / part-blue-siamese kitten. She had had been abandoned during the middle of winter in quite a lot of snow. She was very timid and quite afraid of everyone.
Everyone, that is, until CS. She literally crawled up in his hand, sniffed him, purred and went to sleep - right in his palm.
He brought her home and named her Misty-Blue, and proceeded to dote on her and love her.
Misty was definitely CS's baby. They watched tv together, took naps together . . . even had wrestling matches with each other - quite an entertaining sight, btw!
Misty had been around for about 4-5 years when I came into her and CS's life. In the beginning, she definitely did NOT like me. Not one bit. She would leave whenever I was over at the house. Sometimes she would even come up to me and smack me with her paw. I was an intruder and she wanted me to know it.
This behaivor puzzled CS as he would frequently say, "I just don't understand it; she's never done that to anyone else."
I secretly thought it was jealousy. I think I was right . . . especially since she didn't have a problem with other females; only me.
It took about a year for her to warm up to me. But after that, we became good friends. CS was definitely her preference; and understandably so, since he was also her rescuer when she was a kitty . . . but she and I grew to really love each other and we shared lots of good times.
(continued on next page)
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RE: Teton Rambler - 7/8/2006 8:30:57 PM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
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(continued from previous page)
This past year, it has just been Misty and me. She has been such a sweetie to me and such a comfort for me. She's been "mama's sweet baby girl."
I know she has never forgotten CS . . . which became abundantly clear one day back in September after I had worn CS's jean jacket one day, but didn't hang it back up. Misty caught CS's scent on the jacket and then spent the next two weeks looking for him, all over again - just as she did for the first few weeks after his death.
Although we never had any wrestling matches (because I know she would have come out the winner), we watched many movies together, we've played at the computer together and we've had our quiet moments together while swinging on the back porch swing.
We've even played many many games of "rubberband chase" . . . I would toss a rubberband (those really big, wide ones) at her, she would bat it around for a few seconds and then wait for me to toss another one her way and the game would start all over again.
She even adopted my giggle and would often imitate me if she heard me laughing . . . a fond memory I will always cherish and hold dear.
I will also always remember and appreciate how she could sense if I was having a particularly emotionally-rough time . . . she would stick to me like glue during those times, rubbing against my legs, laying in my lap and even "patting" my hand with her paw (as if she was petting me).
I have so many precious memories of Misty; some involving CS, some involving just her and me.
A few months ago, I realized that it would be selfish of me to keep her. Selfish, because my life is kinda topsy-turvy right now . . . I don't even know for sure where I will be living in a few months. I want her to have more security and stability than what I can offer her right now.
Last month, I made arrangements for one of my friends to adopt her. He loves her; she's crazy about him . . . it's a good match. I know he will take very good care of her.
I didn't want to expose her to all the commotion that the "auction move" is going to create, so I decided that adoption day should take place before auction moving day. Adoption day was yesterday.
Already, I miss her so much. But, again, I know she has a good home; I know she will be well-loved and well taken care of. She even has 2 new feline playmates in her new home . . . and that takes care of a concern I had a few months ago when I began to wonder if she was becoming lonely.
Here's to you, Misty-Blue. Thank you for being such a sweet cat; such a wonderful companion. I love you.
Thank You, Jesus, for such a great Blessing . . . in the form of a fluffy 18-pound absolutely beautiful "baby cougar kitty."
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RE: Teton Rambler - 7/20/2006 4:31:48 PM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
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Well, sometimes my life
Just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small
And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
From, "Hold Me Jesus," by Rich Mullins
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RE: Teton Rambler - 8/26/2006 5:09:05 PM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
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The Wonderful World of B & B's
(Bed and Breakfast Inns)
I am currently on a quasi-vacation / new-place-to-live expedition.
Let's talk about one of the aspects of the quasi-vacation. 
I started planning this specific trip several months ago . . . although at the time I didn't even know where I was going, or when, or anything else; all I knew is that I would eventually be going somewhere . . AND . . . that I wanted to stay in as many Bed & Breakfast Inns as possible.
Bed and Breakfast type accommodations are a brand new experience for me. 
. . . A new and fabulously wonderful experience!  
At the moment, I'm in the Northwest of the U.S. I left those majestic granite slabs known as The Grand Tetons this past Monday afternoon and have been "here" since this past Tuesday afternoon.
I plan on staying put for at least a week more, possibly two . . . so at the moment and for the remainder of my stay, I'll be calling yet another motel room "home" (I've been living out of some type of "temporary" housing for almost a month now; and it may even be that way for several more weeks yet . . . call it an adventure ).
As a fun treat, I stayed in my first Bed and Breakfast 3 nights this past week.
Y'all!!! THAT is the way to vacation!  In fact, I'm so very glad that I have done such extensive research on various B & B's throughout the United States; I'm very much looking forward to staying at more of these as the opportunities come up.
My first experience with a B & B was with a beautiful Victorian House that was built in 1907. It even has a wonderful wrap-around porch . . . and my bed was simply exquisite; no other word can truly suffice.
But my whole point of this blog post is to talk about the FOOD!
Oh, man!!! 
The owner of this particular inn is also its chef. And lemme tell ya . . . He knew his stuff. 
I have never been served breakfast in "courses." There's something very uplifting and, well, right about eating one's first meal of the day in courses.
I'd come downstairs, and there on the side pantry would be coffee and its various accoutrements (tea was available as well). After selecting which table I wanted to sit at, the chef would then come out and tell me what was being served for that particular morning.
First course would be juice and a freshly-baked homemade muffin or pastry item.
The fruit was always the second course.
"Breakfast" was the 3rd course.
I would have loved to have partaken the morning the chef served his egg scramble speciality . . . but I had made other breakfast plans with some friends. He did have quite a lot of fun in tempting me with that morning's menu, however.
I also learned my very first morning that if I wanted to actually be able to eat the 3rd course of my morning meal that I would need to only eat half of each of what was presented. Even though the servings weren't very big, they were quite filling (and also this new way of eating breakfast underlines the importance of eating slowly . . . so that one's brain can register when one's stomach is truly full . . . and not after-the-fact).
My favorite morning meal at this particular Bed & Breakfast:
~ hand-pressed homemade apple juice and a lemon-poppy seed muffin;
~ a small bowl of fresh pineapple, kiwi and banana;
~ homemade french toast topped with homemade blueberries and blueberry sauce, accompanied by sausage links.
Breakfast is served for a couple hours in the morning; and afterwards throughout the day, the coffee and tea are replaced with lemonade and homemade cookies and other treats.
. . . And, truly, I must declare here and now that homemade macaroons are beyond marvelous!
Hmmm . . . sitting here typing this post . . . I think I just might have to end my stay here with another 3-night B & B experience. 
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
And in what could only be one of Abba's precious tangibles of His Love . . . there on my bed upon my arrival Tuesday afternoon, was a most beautiful throw pillow with the pillow's top being covered with beautiful white silk rose buds! AND that pillow was unique only to my room . . . no other guest room had such a pillow.
Thank you, Lord for such a beautiful reminder that I am forever Your Child, and that You are with me wherever I go!
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RE: Teton Rambler - 10/8/2006 2:41:42 PM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
Posts: 18172
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Thinking of CS on a Sunday Afternoon . . .
CS's High School Reunion is taking place this weekend. There were also 2 family reunions held over the summer (one is a yearly event, on his mother's side; the other one is a every-other-yearly event, on his father's side). I didn't go to either of the family reunions (as it was too busy and too emotional for me).
I hadn't planned on going to any of the activities for his high school reunion; but I did change my mind go to the dinner last night. BTW, CS's graduating class only had 26 graduates! They didn't have their first reunion for about 25 years; but since then, they've had one every 5 years. Last night, there was some talk of having them every other year from now on.
Everyone was so sweet to me. I had several people come up to me and tell me how much they loved CS and that they had considered him their best friend.
My decision to go to the dinner stemmed from earlier in the day . . .
Back in September of '05, a local business approached me about sponsoring a small exhibit of some of CS's photos (which was pretty cool; because about 2 days before they approached me, I was beginning to think in that same direction). The exhibit went up this past April and ran through the last weekend of last month (September '06)(which is also when this particular business closes for the winter). I knew back then (last year) that this weekend would be the High School Reunion; and so I asked the business if they would be willing have a private viewing of his exhibit that his classmates could come to. Yesterday was the private exhibit viewing, and I decided to go. That's when I decided to go to the dinner last night as well.
On a bit of a melanchony note . . . I truly wished that CS could have realized how far-reaching the effects would be of what he did. Not just to me; but to his family and his friends. So many, many people. Himself, included. A couple of people last night expressed that they were still angry with him. A few men couldn't help but tearing up in front of me.
As of about 2 months ago, all the "loose ends" of CS's death have been tied up. Everything that had to be done HAS been done. Sometimes I feel an incredible weight has been lifted from me; sometimes I can still get caught up in memories of that horrible day.
I moved out of the house on July 29th. I put all my stuff in storage and then took off on a few adventures. During this time, I hadn't seen anything tangible of CS; no mementos; no photographs; nothing. I took nothing of CS with me . . . except my memories.
This past Monday, I walked into the business where CS's exhibit was . . . to make plans on when I should come to disassemble the exhibit. As I gazed upon a couple of his self-portraits, I was aware of my heart eradicately skipping beats and also of the breath being quickly taken from me. Loving someone can be the most exhilerating experience ever. It can also be the most excruciating. Sometimes, it's both at the same time.
IF CS had known how far-reaching the after-effects of what he did would be, would he have done it? I have no answer for that; and whenever I try to contemplate it, it brings me back right around to the fact that as much pain as his death and manner of death has caused . . . to me, to his family, to his friends, to so many people . . . I can only imagine that the pain he was in was much worse. Otherwise, he would not have done what he did.
Suicide does not carry an easy explanation. It's not a black-and-white topic; it is one with so many shades of grey that they cannot be counted or even identified.
Rest in Peace, Sweetie.
I love you.
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