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WhiteRoseBlessings -> Teton Rambler (7/6/2005 4:02:28 PM)

Hi everybody. [:)]

When I went on my hiatus this past March (back when we were just Crosswalk and not as we are now - Faith Community), I let my blog lapse into archivedom.

There's a 3-month waiting period for people with archived blogs to be able to blog again.

Initially, I had intended to reactivate this blog mid-June . . . but of course, during mid-June other things were happening of greater importance. Click Here

So!!! Here I am again, with my own blog. Currently, I live out in the shadows of the majestic Grand Tetons in the Beautiful Wild Wild West of Wyoming; hence the title of this blog . . . which also is the title of a newsletter I've been writing for the past 4 years.

As with my other blog, I'll use this space for my newsletters (that are actually snail-mailed to my offline friends here, there and everywhere). I'm sure I'll also talk about the beauty of where I live. And, most probably, I'll also share with y'all some of the various ramblin' thoughts that zing into my head from time to time.

I hope you enjoy your visits to my little corner of this beautiful world that our Abba has created for us.

HIS Peace and HIS Joy,
Sharon-Marie

[sm=icon_smile_sing.gif] [sm=icon_smile_sing.gif] [sm=icon_smile_sing.gif] [sm=icon_smile_sing.gif] [sm=icon_smile_sing.gif] [sm=icon_smile_sing.gif] [sm=icon_smile_sing.gif]



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Teton Rambler (7/7/2005 10:37:08 AM)

CS Paints His Toenails


. . . or rather, CS lets me paint his toenails. [:D]

We had been dating only about 3 weeks. That night we had been invited to a going-away party for one of my friends. He came to pick me up and I was "almost" ready.

I was in the midst of painting my toenails . . . and I looked up at him . . . and smiled. [sm=icon_smile_bow.gif]

"Sweetie, can I paint your toenails?"

"Well, I guess so. Sure! Why not?!"

During the infamous pedicure, we're laughing with each other and making all kinds of silly comments.

I tell him that we're going to hafta remember to remove the polish before the weekend (which was to be our very first Mountain Man Rendezvous together; he had been several times; I never had).

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I'm sure, over the next couple of days, CS was "reminded" about his pretty pink toenails every time he was putting his socks and shoes on . . . but somehow, neither one of us remembered to actually remove the stuff.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So, we're at the Ft Bridger Mountain Man Rendezvous; one of the largest, if not the largest annual event of its kind.

It's the 2nd day that we're there (although really, the 1st full day as we arrived the evening before). We had been walking around the renedezvous for several hours; CS in his mountain-man regalia; me in a black tank top and jeans (cuz back then, I was a newbie rookie and didn't have the "proper" attire).

We see a stream and decide to take our respective beaded moccasins and birkenstocks off and cool our feet in the water.

. . . OH!!! [sm=eek.gif] [&:] [sm=eek.gif] The look on both of our faces when we saw that first size 13 foot with 5 pretty little (or rather not so little) splotches of pink!!!

I wanted to crawl under a rock; hide behind a tree, spontaneously lift off in flight . . . anything that would get me away. I was just sure that CS was going to at least be embarassed and put his moccasin back on and forgoe the cooling refreshing lil stream. I was also feeling chagrinned that I had not remembered to remove the blasted stuff.

But instead of becoming upset, CS started laughing . . . and then I started laughing . . . and pretty soon, we were both laughing so hard that we're holding onto each other because neither one of us could stand up very well.

He then shrugs his shoulders, makes cute eyes at me (and then gives me a hug and a peck on the cheek), takes off his other moccasin, stretches out his feet in the water, flashes me a big smile and offers me a hand and helps me sit down next to him.

Then, being the photog man that he was, he takes out his camera and takes a picture to commemorate the occasion.

The cream topping was when these 3 little girls who had been playing nearby in the stream noticed this manly, bearded individual, dressed in mountain-man regalia, wearing bright fuschia pink toenail polish. The looks on their faces were absolutely priceless!


--Edited to correct too many typos! [8|][:)]



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Teton Rambler (7/10/2005 10:40:53 AM)

Rambling Thoughts . . .


"Items-Request" Etiquette 101
If someone you know dies, and you would like something of theirs (either something specific or just "something"), please do not immediately start bombarding the widow or widower (or parent, etc.) of the deceased loved one with your requests. Please allow them time . . . more time . . . and even more time before you bring the subject up of what "you want."

Better yet, please allow them the opportunity to make the offer to you; rather than you making the request to them. Again, this will take time . . . please be compassionate and patient.

Please do not live in the mentality of, "I've got to ask early because I want to be the first in line; I really want "this". You will have the rest of your life to enjoy whatever object it is that you are wanting. The spouse, however, has just lost their soulmate; they will never again be able to enjoy the physical company, friendship and presence of the one they love. In the grand scheme of things . . . things are just things; it's people who matter.

And speaking of time . . . it's not a matter of days or even a couple of weeks. I'm guessing, at the minimum, 2-4 months would be needed before people begin the process of, "This is what I want." The stuff that you want is not going to go anywhere in that time period. To be approached, however politely, with what people want when it's only been a few days, a couple of weeks, etc. is almost dehumanizing to the surviving spouse. It feels quite "vulture-istic." It is, in fact, exceedingly painful.

Additionally, if you absolutely have to voice your wants "early on" at least please do so directly to the spouse and not "secretly" to other people. Please do not call, phone or write to a friend of the spouse. That puts the friend in a very awkward position and just intensifies painful feelings for the surviving spouse. I would suggest if a person feels uncomfortable asking the spouse for whatever it is they want, that perhaps they ought to go with those feelings and realize that it may be because the timing is too soon.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Buyer Responsibility . . . (specifically regarding self-employed / sole propietors)
If you have a business relationship with a sole propietor, please do not automatically assume that the spouse is an "employee" of the business.

Please do be aware that if the business owner dies, the spouse may not know the intricacies of the business. (If I had died before CS, he wouldn't know the first thing about how I run and operate either one of my businesses. Likewise, I do not know how CS ran his business).

If you have long-time outstanding projects with a sole propietor and the reason lies with your not getting around to placing the order, picking up the project, etc., please do not expect the surviving spouse to be able to help you "immediately."

Also, if your business relationship is with any type of artist, please remember that if the artist dies, noone is going to be able to do the work they did exactly as they did it. (CS personally developed and brown-toned all his sepia photos). Waiting until after the artist dies to have something done by them just doesn't seem to make sense to me.

Specifically concerning the photo business . . .
If you have photos taken, please order your prints in a timely fashion. 3 years, even 1 year is not a timely fashion. If you want the pictures, make it a priority in your current life to order them - as soon you are notified that the proofs are ready.

I've been approached twice so far by people, now that CS has died, wanting to hurry up and place orders for pictures of long-past photo shoots. Frankly, it's just not a priority right now. (In these instances, I have asked people to write me a letter detailing the specifics of the when, where, etc. I have also told them it will be several months down the road before I even begin to address these projects). The entire process is stressful.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

OK . . . so these were rants; not ramblings. [&:]
BUT!!! [sm=icon_smile_sing.gif] I'm ok; truly I am. Just processing things . . .

Thanks, y'all!



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Teton Rambler (7/10/2005 11:41:27 AM)

Those First 12 Hours

I usually wake up anywhere between 5:00 and 6:30 each morning. Normally, CS would wake up around 8am. When I'd hear him in the kitchen (feeding the cat), I'd go in to greet him, and we would start our day.

Then he started sleeping till 9am. Then, till 10am.

The day before he died, CS slept till 2pm.

June 13, 2005; 7am
"Wow; he's up early!" [:)]

I go into the kitchen and said something to the effect of his being up early. He replied to the effect of making up for lost time from the day before.

Retrospectively, he was behaving strangely. He wouldn't make eye contact with me.

CS then went over to the coat rack and put on one of his jackets.

He told me where he was going. It was one of his and our favorite spots for quiet time. Sometimes he'd go alone; sometimes he'd ask me to go with him. We would just sit next to each other and enjoy the surroundings . . . in peaceful silence.

I asked him if he wanted some company and he said no. I must have look astonished at his tone because he softened and said, "I just need to be by myself."

He came over and hugged me and kissed me, told me that he loved me and always would. He looked into my eyes and then hugged me one more time.

I told him to enjoy his quiet time and he gave me a strange look and walked out the door.

That was the last time I saw him alive. He left the house around 7:15am; they found his body at 7:37am.

Around 9am, I was getting a bit worried; even if he had stopped for a quick cup of coffee or had ran into someone and stopped to chat, he should have been back by now.

During the next hour, 3 times I started to get on my bike and go look for him. And 3 times, Abba gently distracted me from my mission; twice I got phone calls and once Misty started demanding my attention. God was protecting me from seeing something He didn't want me to see.

At 10am, I was debating whether or not to call a friend and have him come get me so we could go find CS.

A few minutes later, I see 3 people walking up to my door. It was the coroner, a deputy sheriff and a victim advocate.

You know, they have scenes in tv shows and movies where the coroner knocks on someone's door. I never fully appreciated the gravity of it until June 13th. I don't even think I can adequately articulate it. Even now, I cannot think or speak of it without crying and remembering those awful first moments and ensuing hours.

I called Jack, and then I called CS's brother. Then someone called my pastor. All 3 came. Jack called Bob, CS's best friend. His wife had to drive out to his worksite to tell him. He came right over as soon as he heard. Throughout the day, many other people came and went; several stayed for quite a while. It's kind of a blur. So many people calling on the phone, coming by in person, bringing stuff.

At one point, CS's brother and CS's best friend took me up to the mortuary so I could see and be with CS. Even when I saw him, it just wouldn't register as being real. I just knew that any minute I was going to wake up and everything was going to be back to normal . . . and CS and I would be together.

Around 7pm that same day, I look at the clock . . . and realized that it had been 12 hours since CS left the house. And then I realized that every since we had first started dating back in 2002, we had never been apart for 12 hours. This was the first time we had ever been apart that long. It was a very hard reality for me to comprehend.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I sure these past two posts may have some of y'all worrying about me. Truly, I'm ok. I'm just getting things out of my head.

Thanks for reading!



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Teton Rambler (7/10/2005 12:36:34 PM)

. . . and now it's time for an encouraging post; a post about Abba's Love and Protection and Promises! [sm=icon_smile_sing.gif] . . .


Be Not Afraid


Be Not Afraid
I go before you always.
Come follow Me
and I will give you Rest.

. . . So, as I mentioned, CS left the house around 7:15am on that fateful day.

As background information, about 2-3 weeks before CS died, I had begun exploring my Catholic roots. I had started going to Daily Mass, but the mornings were getting really hard for CS and I didn't want to leave him alone in the mornings, so I decided to stop going to Daily Mass.

About the time that I started my "Catholic Root Exploration," Abba reminded me of one of my very favorite childhood songs, "Be Not Afraid" (here's the link to the entire song - http://members.cox.net/rss1910/blessing.html - you may need to highlight your screen in order to be able to see the words clearly) And of course, you can also read Joshua 1:9.

So off and on for the next couple of weeks, a line or two from the song would pop into my head.

After CS left the house that morning, I decided to go to Daily Mass. I put a note on the door, telling him where I had gone and asking him to pick me up at 8:30am. My plan was to take him out to breakfast afterwards.

But, of course, he never came. In fact, what I didn't know at the time, was that even before I had gotten on the bus to go to church, CS had already died.

So, after waiting at the church for a few minutes, I decide to walk home (as opposed to taking the bus - because I thought we might pass each other). At one point, I became so completely fearful. What CS did was actually a very real fear I had - and whenever the fear would crop up, I would give it to Jesus. So, I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and prayed, "Jesus, I give you this fear and I ask you to absolutely take anything that isn't of You away and to completely fill me and saturate me with everything that is of You."

I continue my walk, and within about a minute, I started singing the entire song, "Be Not Afraid." I was singing it through the 2nd time when, once again, I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk.

I suddenly knew that I was not singing a worship song to God; but rather Abba was singing to me! I knew that I knew that I knew this. (Besides, I was singing on key and in tune - definitely not a Sharon-Marie thing! [:D])

At that time, I thought that perhaps God was telling me that the doctors were going to find something in the blood tests that CS was scheduled to take later that week. So, I said, "Well, God, you're telling me to trust you and to not be afraid and that I am going to be ok. Whatever it is, we'll get through this."

So I continued my walk home - still looking for CS along the way. When I got home and saw the truck, my heart just sank. I felt the hood of the truck and it was cold. I walked to the door, and the note was still there.

So, I started praying. And doing dishes. And praying. And finishing a calligraphy project. And praying.

And then the coroner came.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I mentioned before that I am realizing and walking through one of the very worst fears and quite possibly the most painful experience I've ever had.

I misss CS terribly. I feel as if I have literally been ripped apart. The "why" of what happened will never be answered this side of Heaven (and quite frankly, I'm sure it will be a moot point then) - so I try very hard to not ponder the "why" of it - there's just no good purpose in it.

God tells us that we are to trust Him. We are to look to Him as our source of Strength; we are to look to Him for our Peace and our Comfort and our Joy. He is to be our Guidance. It is His Wisdom that we seek after.

Walking home that morning, Abba knew what I would encounter that day and the days following (and even the days following this one). He knew it would be hard for me. But He told me as deeply as God does tell us things to not be afraid; to trust in Him.

So I do. I get up in the morning and I try to remember to give the day to Him. He reminds me many times throughout the day to not be afraid. Yes, this is a command; but it is a command of encouragement! "Don't be afraid, Sharon-Marie; I'm right here with you; I will not leave you; you are going to be ok."

Is it easy? Yes, sometimes it is . . . AND . . . No, sometimes, it's not. Is it pain-free? Nope; absolutely not. Am I always able to remember His Encouragement? Frankly, no . . . but then He's very glad to remind me as often as I need.

Every day, I can see His Hand in my life. I can see how He is leading me through this abysss. I can see and feel His Love . . . through the beautiful days; through a hug from a friend; through a kindness shown to me; through laughter that hasn't died but is still within me; through friends allowing me to help them with their daily struggles; through the innocent eyes of babies; through the many cards and phone calls and emails; through even being able to sit at the coffee shop and just be by myself in the midst of friends. HIS Love is surrounding me, enveloping me and totally saturating me.

And in the darkest times, when all I can do is just cry . . . even then, I know that I am going to be ok and that Jesus loves me.

How do I know this? Because he tells me so. And because He does tell me so, I choose to believe Him.

HIS Peace and HIS Joy, y'all!
Sharon-Marie



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Teton Rambler (7/17/2005 10:45:06 PM)

Uhm, Thank You . . . I guess


I really do understand that people do not know what to say when they encounter someone who is grieving. Truly I do.

For quite some time now (years), I've maintained that if a person doesn't know what to say (in any situation; not just grieving - but maybe especially grieving), it's always best not to say anything.

Telling someone, "You know I just don't know what to say" is perfectly acceptable . . . and much more appreciated than trying to "come up" with something to say.

Hugs say more than any words can convey (more on hugs in the following post) [:)]

Most people have the hang of this . . . not saying something rather than saying something, uhm, strange, weird, even downright inappropriate.

Some people, however, still haven't quite grasped the "silence-is-golden" concept.

Strangely enough, when certain people don't know what to say (and also don't know not to say anything), they tend to focus on a person's looks . . . at least that seems to be the majority of what I have experience lately from well-meaning but not-so-clearly-thinking individuals.

"Wow! You look SO good. I mean you REALLY look good."
The surprise in their voice always throws me off. The emphasis in their words amuse me while I silently wonder if, at other times, I look REALLY bad . . . [;)]

"Why do you look so good right now?"
Huh??? [&:] Well, lessee, hmmm, I'm not sure. Why? Am I not allowed to "look good" right now?

I walk away from such encounters wondering if people think I'm supposed to be wearing sack cloths and ashes. (According to Scriptures, I'm not. [sm=icon_smile_sing.gif])

Yes, I am grieving.

Yes, I miss CS terribly. Deeply. Excrutiatingly so.

I cry until I think I have cried my body completely dry.

I cry until I literally cannot breathe.

I cry until, at that particular time, I do not need to cry anymore.

And then I wipe my tears, wash my face and go on with my life.

For you see, I am still living.

With everything in me, I also wish that CS was still living; but he's not.

But I am still alive and I intend to live my life. That means that sometimes I will need to cry; sometimes I will need to laugh. I do what I need to do - when I need to do it. And I get up every day and get dressed. I comb my hair and brush my teeth and go out to meet my day. Some days I may look REALLY good; some days I probably don't (but then, that's pretty much me anyway; even when CS was alive).

But please don't expect me to "put on" mourning for you. Please take me as you get me.

(I never thought I'd feel "guilty" for "looking good.") [;)]



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Teton Rambler (7/17/2005 10:50:51 PM)

. . . and now, let's have a Happy Post! [:D] . . .


{ { { Hugs } } }


While I was up at Town Square this past Saturday morning, a friend of mine tapped me on the shoulder and gave me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. As we were still hugging, I felt another tap on my shoulder and heard, "my turn." I looked to see another friend of mine who also gave me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek.

I've known these guys for about 2 years now; I met them both through CS (and I think they both know each other; it just occurred to me, I really don't know and I forgot to take the time to introduce the two of them - oops [sm=icon_smile_blush.gif]).

This past Saturday morning, they were both very much Heaven-sent; I was having quite a difficult time at the very moment I ran into these two men.

I thanked them both for the hugs. They started discussing how people should hug more; especially when someone is going through a crisis.

Of course, I wholeheartedly agreed and then jokingly said that until more people starting hugging that they would just have to hug twice as much.

. . . So they each hugged me and kissed me on my cheek again - both at the same time . . . which made all 3 of us laugh.

We all 3 then went our separate ways.

I don't know about them, but I sure was feeling happier . . . and very loved.

Thank You, Jesus. [sm=icon_smile_sing.gif][sm=icon_smile_sing.gif][sm=icon_smile_sing.gif]



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Teton Rambler (7/19/2005 12:12:52 PM)

Just some Ramblings . . .


Lil Miss Ellie
Ellie is one of my neighbors. She's about 3 years old now. She's a very happy, joyous child - and she's also a very gentle, obedient little girl.

She absolutely loved CS. Whenever she'd see him, she run up to him, with her arms spread wide, grinning from ear-to-ear and calling his name.

He'd always pick her up and give her big hugs and kisses. Then they'd spend a few minutes chatting - she telling him everything she had learned since the last time they saw each other, and he listening very intently and encouragingly to what she was saying and popping in a question every now and then.

Even when we were out and about, if Ellie saw CS, she was gonna run up to him; expecting him to swoop her up in his arms . . . and he always did.

About a week ago, I saw Ellie's mom out in her yard and went over to talk to her. She told me that Ellie had been asking about CS . . . she (Ellie) had been seeing me, but not CS. Her mom told her that CS had to leave, but that she (Ellie) should always think good thoughts about him and should always remember the fun memories she had of CS and that she should also always remember how much CS loved her.

. . . Yesterday, as I was on my way to catch a bus, I saw Ellie and her parents. They were getting ready to go do family stuff; in fact, they were already in their truck and Lil Miss Ellie was safely buckled in. As they saw me approaching, they turned the truck's engine off and waved me over. As I was talking to Ellie's parents, she started grinning and holding her arms out real wide. I said, "Hi, Ellie; how are you today?" She responded by grinning at me (with her arms still wide) and said, "I love CS."


. . . (Yeah, Sweet Ellie; so do I. Thank you for loving CS. You were such a joy to him.)

Just a sweet little gift our Lord gave me yesterday.



~ ~ ~ ~ ~



Jackson Hole
and
"Sunset Magazine"

He told me about it a couple of months ago. (Actually, he told both CS and me.)

I even put it on my calendar . . . and then subscribed to "Sunset" so we would be sure to get a copy. For the past week, I have been checking my post office box in a most hopeful manner. My copy still hasn't arrived yet; but the magazines are now out on the newstand (the August 2005 issue).

"Sunset" was in Jackson a couple of months ago to showcase, well, Jackson - and all the splendors that it offers.

One of the showcases just happens to be "my" coffee shop! [sm=icon_smile_approve.gif] Yep, the coffee shop where CS and I met (although, at the time, the business -not the building- was at a different location); the coffee shop where CS and I got married last year; the very same coffee shop where I've put in so much bar stool time these past 3½ years.

It's a great picture! It's on page 111, I think.

That guy standing up on the porch? That's Jack! He's the owner. He's also one of my very good friends. (He's the one, btw, that so lovingly "scandalized" me during CS's memorial service [:)] - remember? I said it was going to be one of my favorite memories of that day).

The dog is Henry. And anyone who knows anything about the coffee shop knows the vast importance of Henry! [:D]

The view? Well, that's the view (as you see it from the picture's perspective) that CS and I had as we stood under the tree in the front lawn during our wedding ceremony.

Go Jack! I'm so proud of you! [sm=thumbsup.gif]



~ ~ ~ ~ ~



Paint Your Wagon

Y'all remember the ole 1969 musical western comedy, "Paint Your Wagon" (starring Lee Marvin and Clint Eastwood, among others)?

The first time I saw it was with CS. It was just one of the many movies he introduced me to. We first saw it together early in our "dating" time. It was one of his favorite movies for several decades. Over the years, we probably saw it together a total of about 3 times.

After the first time we saw it together, we decided that the theme song of the movie should be OUR theme song.

For CS's first birthday that we shared together (2002), I calligraphed (and framed) the chorus of the theme song, "Paint Your Wagon" (also known as, "I'm on My Way"):

Where are ya going?
I don't kow.

What'cha gonna do there?
I ain't certain.

All I know is . . .
I am on My Way!!!

Got a Dream, Boys.
Got a Song.
Paint Your Wagon
and Come along!

(For all you purists out there, no this is not the exact wording of the original song; but it is how CS said them . . . and how I calligraphed them) [:)]

. . . Last night I joined a couple of friends (who are also married to each other) and we went to see the play, "Paint Your Wagon." The Jackson Hole Playhouse puts on a different musical each year through the summer season. This year, they're doing, "Paint Your Wagon."

Happy Memories.

Isn't God's timing so good? [sm=icon_smile_sing.gif]



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Teton Rambler (7/25/2005 5:53:41 PM)

"Working From Home"


Hi everyone.

Periodically, someone will pm me about my working from home. I've decided to use "my" chat thread as a reference point for anyone interested this topic.

The discussion begins at Post #865. Here's the link to get ya there easily. [:)]

http://forums.crosswalk.com/m_7422/mpage_35/key_/tm.htm#322781

Thanks!



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Teton Rambler (7/27/2005 7:47:22 PM)

Big Brother /
Little Brother . . .
. . . Together Again

CS was the 2nd oldest sibling of five kids. He had an older brother, a younger brother and two younger sisters.

CS had very special love for all his siblings. When he was younger, he had a very special relationship with his older brother. Among all the big brother / little brother experiences they shared, one of them would, in fact, help mold CS into the person he was . . . it was CS's older brother that instilled into him a life-long passion for photography. I guess it was an "inherited" trait.

Sadly, CS's older brother was killed in an automobile accident when he was 17 (1953). CS was 14 at the time. CS had quite a few fond memories of those 14 years he had with his brother, and he so generously shared many of them with me these past 3 years.

In fact, a few weeks ago when I received CS's ashes, I remembered that he had once expressed a wish to have his ashes mixed in with the soil of his brother's grave site.

Today marked the 52nd death anniversary of CS's older brother. I thought it was the most fitting day to honor CS's request regarding his ashes.

So, a few of us - a couple of cousins, his brother, his best friend & best friend's wife . . . and I gathered up at the cemetary today. Bob dug a hole and I buried CS's ashes in the ground of his brother's grave site. I also put my wedding bouquet from last year in there. Some of y'all may remember that in the center of my bouquet were 3 white roses. There were two intentional reasons for these roses; signifying (1) Abba, Jesus & His Holy Spirt and (2) God, CS & me.


Rest in Peace, CS. I love you, Sweetie.



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Teton Rambler (8/3/2005 12:01:32 PM)

To My Cowboy Sweetie,
with Much Love . . .

"I must admit I think about you
every now and then.

Like when I open my eyes,
when I lay down at night

Every moment ever since
the day you said goodbye."



from "Of Course I'm Alright," written by Billy Kirsch, sung by Alabama
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/a/alabama/5077.html



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Teton Rambler (8/3/2005 6:06:26 PM)

Wonderful, Precious
Memories . . .

. . . One Year Ago, Today

The following is my blog entry from last year, 8/4/04 . . .

Oh, it was such a beautiful day! It had stormed the day before; starting in the early afternoon and lasting pretty much throughout the entire night. But!!! Tuesday, August 3rd (2004) was absolutely gorgeous! It was as if the previous day's storm was intentional so as to brighten everything up for "our" day. Thank you so much, Jesus!

Around 9:00am, CS and I went out to breakfast; the plan was for it to be a nice, relaxing breakfast before continuing on with the day.

But apparently, I was not going to be relaxed . . . at least not for a little while.

After breakfast, I bought more crème cheese and then went home and frosted the 2nd carrot cake. When I was buying the ingredients for the cakes on Sunday, I should have trusted my instincts about the amount of cream cheese the recipe called for; but I didn’t. I found out Monday night when I was frosting the 1st cake and used all the frosting for both cakes on just the one.

After getting the cakes ready, it was now time for me to get dressed . . . which thankfully and surprisingly was much easier than I had anticipated would be on this particular day.

And, before I knew it, CS and I were in the truck and on our way – one cake was on the seat in between the two of us (being anchored by my left hand) and the other cake was on my lap (being anchored by my right hand). Thankfully, CS didn’t have to slam on brakes during this little trip.

Our first stop was Jack’s – where we needed to leave everything: the cakes, all the eating paraphernalia (for the cake and also the custom-ordered sub sandwiches for each person), the paperwork, Caryn’s gift, CS’s camera and the picture of “The Cowboy and The Lady (a sepia-toned black & white of CS and me taken during one of our “photo shoots” about a month after we had started dating – our outfits in the picture were also the same outfits we both were wearing on this particular day . . . with a few “extras” added to mine).

We had only invited just a few people; and I had asked everyone to not come early. Of course, when we got to Jack’s to drop everything off, Jack was there . . . because well, it’s his coffee shop; he has to be there. CS’s brother was there, but that was a good thing because he was going to be the “official photographer” and CS wanted to give him some last minute instructions on what kind of photos CS wanted. And of course, Bob was there . . . but we kinda figured that; Bob does coffee every day at noon and usually hangs around for about an hour; no sense in leaving and then coming back in 30 minutes.
While CS was talking with his brother, I went next door to pick up my flowers – a very simple and quite beautiful wild flower bouquet of purple & lavender larkspur, some very tiny sweet pink things . . . and of course: in the center 3 white roses signifying 2 themes: CS, Me and God AND, of course, The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit.

By now, I was beginning to calm down.

CS didn’t want anyone to see the full effect of his outfit . . . until just the right time . . . so he was just wearing his new jeans & white pearl snap shirt, along with his marbled grey dress cowboy boots. The rest of the stuff was still in the back of his truck - to be put on after we had dropped everything off at Jack’s.
Our choice of entrance was going to be a surprise . . . but we did clue in CS’s brother so he would be ready for the photo ops, doncha know.

We were actually leaving Jack’s; had gotten almost out of the front yard when Jack came running up to us and wanted to know if we wanted any last-minute special things done for the lawn. Fortunately, about that time, a customer walked into the coffee shop so Jack had to go inside. That’s when CS and I made our escape!

We got in the truck and drove a block to the Stage Stop – where CS put on the rest of his outfit – his “dress” cowboy hat; the big one; his leather vest and burgundy neckerchief . . . then he strapped on his gun belt with his pearl-handle gun in the holster. I was wearing my sage-green, lace, flowy floor-length (lawn-length?) dress. I was also wearing a light pink hat with two pink blossomed silk flowers on the front with a matching sage-color silk hat band. On the back of my dress was a dress clip, waist level; made to match the flowers and the hat band. My shoes were pink slipper-sandals, with the same type of flowers; the sandals matched the hat and the dress clip. Can y’all believe it? No Birkesnstocks on this particular day!

The Stage Stop, btw, is the place that people go to buy tickets to ride an authentic Old West stage coach around town. This particular day, CS was calling it the Marriage Carriage. Our driver was so nice. We told him what we wanted and that we had to arrive at 1:30pm. Definitely not even a minute earlier, but a few minutes later would be fine. So he told us to get in and that he would take us on a longer ride than usual.

It was so fun riding through town; both of us in our finery; people waving to us. CS kept giving me a time count. 7 more minutes. 5 more minutes. 3 more minutes.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch . . . ok, ok . . . back at the coffee shop, Jack was trying to figure out where we had went! All the guests had arrived (all 12 of them); the only ones who weren’t there were CS and me.

It was so exciting when we turned the corner . . . and I saw our friends milling about. The stage coach made a very unique stop; right in front of Jack’s coffee shop (not a normal part of their regular service). Everyone soon figured out WHO was in the coach . . . CS and I – waving to everyone. It was so fun to see them waving back and smiling and laughing.

It never occurred to us that people would bring their cameras. CS’s brother using CS’s camera was planned, but we were a bit amazed at all the cameras pointed at us. So after a few minutes of photo shooting, we thanked and tipped our driver and off he went to go pick up his next group.

One of my very good friends, Caryn, who is also an ordained minister was there, at the coffee shop, to give me the great honor of officiating the ceremony.

So, after a few more minutes of CS and I going around hugging everyone, we all gathered under the huge shade tree on the front lawn of Jack’s coffee shop . . . and CS & I read love letters aloud to each other, exchanged rings & vows with each other . . . and became husband and wife.



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Teton Rambler (8/3/2005 6:11:52 PM)

Back to current time . . . (8/3/05)

So far during these past several weeks, I have been able to keep my promise to myself . . . and get out of the house every day; even if it’s just to go get coffee. However, I wasn’t so sure I’d be able to keep that promise today . . . and, yet, I truly didn’t want to spend the day holed up in this “empty” house by myself . . . so I tricked myself and made sure that staying home today would definitely not be an option.

. . . So, how did I trick myself? A couple of weeks ago, I planned a party up at the coffee shop for today . . . and as soon as I got Jack’s permission to use his premises, I immediately started inviting just a few people. Just like last year, I made 2 carrot cakes. Instead of sub sandwiches, though, today we had fried chicken (at Jack’s request) and potato salad. It was a noon-time lunch party and there were about 9 of us.

It definitely wasn’t the anniversary I had hoped for . . . but it was most certainly done in love for and memory of CS and it was so very comforting to be able to share the day with some of “our” friends. Lots of laughter, lots of sweet memories. And wouldn’t ya know it . . . even some white roses! (The last thing I expected was a gift – but I received a most beautiful bouquet of white roses . . . yep, I’m going to dry them and keep them). I even brought my camera and took a group picture of everyone.

CS - I love you, Sweetie. I’m so very glad and so very grateful to Our Lord that we were able to share part of our lives together and that you chose me to be your wife. It is definitely an honor that I will always deeply cherish and hold very close and dear to my heart.



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Teton Rambler (8/12/2005 8:04:25 PM)

A Word Aptly Spoken . . .

A lot of really, uhm, weird and even, uhm "quite-less-than-sensitive" things have been said to me during the past 8½ weeks.

I could choose to focus on all the negative things that have come out of some people's mouths . . . but to do so would also almost guarantee self-pity, bitterness, callousness and even inappropriate anger to take hold in my heart. Not a good thing at all and certainly not one of my desires.

Instead, what I want to do is to remember all the wonderful things said to me that have been such tremendous healing balms for me.

It is with pleasure that I share some of those blessings with y'all now:

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I saw Jimmy the other day as I was running errands, and we both stopped to chat with each other. After a couple of minutes, he took both my hands in his . . . and with tears running down his cheeks, he said,

"I saw you walking around town the other day, Sharon-Marie. It was so sad to not see CS with you; the two of you did everything together. My heart just aches for you. I'm so sorry you're going through this."

(yeah, while it was painful to hear, it was also incredible sweet to see this man share himself with me on such a level).

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When I was in the bank today, I waived at Linda and she came out into the lobby to give me a hug.

"How are you," she asked.

"Oh, I'm ok; sometimes, better than others; sometimes I'm not ok at all . . . but overall, I'm ok."

"The next time you're not ok, call me. We'll go for a walk, or I can just come over and be with you until you are ok again."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

One comment that I have received from several people that simultaneously baffles me and encourages me is how "brave", how "strong", how "courageous" I am.

I'm baffled because I certainly don't feel brave nor strong nor courageous - on any level at all. Quite the opposite, in fact.

I'm encouraged because I KNOW that the bravery, the strength, the courage is coming directly from and only from Jesus; it's HIS Bravery; HIS Strength; HIS Courage that He is imparting to me and that other people see.

Thank You, Jesus.

For Your Glory, Lord.



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Teton Rambler (8/18/2005 10:03:17 AM)

To Sharon-Marie,
with Love

For those of y'all who know me - I absolutely love white roses.
For those of y'all who don't know me - I absolutely love white roses.

My love of these beautiful flowers started back in 1994 . . . it's definitely a "God-story."

It's a story about Abba's Love and Promises.

Most of y'all already know the story; I've relayed it a few times here on the board, usually when someone puts up a "What Does Your Handle Mean" type of thead.

Maybe someday I'll tell y'all about it . . . again.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Going back to the morning of CS's Memorial Service . . .

I had planned to go to the church the night before to set out some of CS's "signature things" (his "everyday" cowboy hat, his guitar, one of his Indian flutes), along with 3 pictureboards that I had made depicitng his life, the guest book . . . things like that.

But, instead, Lori (my friend from Pensacola who came up to be with me that week) and I found ourselves getting up the morning of the service and going out to the church early to set up before the people started coming.

The florists had already started arriving. Lori and I walked into the sanctuary and Lori immediately went into "work" mode. I on the other hand was frozen where I stood. I started crying and Lori came rushing over to me to see what was wrong.

"Nothing's wrong. I'm looking at the white roses."

"Who sent them?", she asked while the both of walked up to the flowers, specifically the white roses.

"I don't know . . . but whoever did, loves me very much."

Lori is not as familiar with the impact of white roses in my life as many of y'all are . . . I was living in Birmingham in 1994 . . . and I'm not even sure I've ever written about it in my snail mail newsletter that bears the same name as this blog.

I read the card that was attached to these beautiful flowers. It says,
"Love and Prayers,
(from) Sharon-Marie's and CS's C.W. Family."

(that's y'all, by the way).

After I explained who my C.W. family was, Lori and I both just stared at each other. It was almost beyond comprehension for me at that particular moment. Here, in front of me were beautiful, precious, fragrant living white roses sent to comfort me from all of y'all - none of whom I have yet met in-person . . . but the roses were definitely there. I was touching them and smelling them and reading the card . . . with tears streaming down my face (which is actually what's happening right now as I write this).

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When I started this blog entry, I was only thinking about writing about the white roses. I finally finished the roll of film that contains the pictures that I took of my roses from y'all. I got the pictures back yesterday, and my current avatar is for y'all - so that y'all can see the roses you sent to me.

But, instead of closing just now, I think I'll also reprint a letter for y'all to read.

. . . As CS's memorial service was coming to a close, my pastor got up; and as he was speaking, I heard him say, "And now, I have a letter that I have been asked to read today to Sharon-Marie. It was written by Sharon _ _ _, on behalf of Sharon-Marie's Crosswalk family." He then went on to explain what Crosswalk was. I, at that point, was just staring incredulously at my pastor.

Here's the letter that he read to me during CS's memorial service:

A Heartfelt Message For Sharon-Marie, CS's Family and Friends
and The Community They Love So Much.

First, let me say thank you to Pastor H_ for being my voice. OUR voice really as this message will express many of the feelings of an online group of Christian friends who grew quickly to love Sharon-Marie and through that love and interaction came to love O___ too.

We didn't know him as O___ though, we knew him as Sharon-Marie's Cowboy Sweetie. Now I ask you, how cute is THAT! :) We further got to know CS when he shared with us some of the history of this valley and his family's history in it. His pride and love of this area and Jackson proper was so evident in his telling. Sharon-Marie shared about the beautiful Tetons and in her descriptions, we could almost picture ourselves here viewing what you all see on a daily basis. What a gift she and CS brought to us in words, and what gifts CS leaves all of you through his talent as a photographer, his steadfast friendships, his love for his family and this valley.

Sharon-Marie has given us, her on line family, so much in encouragement, wisdom, insights, humor and prayer but most of all her witness of faith and trust in God in just about every post she has ever written.

The internet can be a powerfully positive tool of connection to other brothers and sisters in Christ. But one thing it can't do; shouldn't do, is be a replacement for in person fellowshiping and physical hugs of love and support.

That's part of what brought me to this message in the first place. We can't physically be here, though so many of us long to be. This was one way I felt we could, at this moment in time, be with Sharon-Marie and all of you here , sharing your sorrow at having to say goodbye for now to this very special man, and share also in your celebrating his life. But it would comfort us to know, that those of you in person, would do for Sharon-Marie AND EACH OTHER, what we can't and I think our feelings are best summed up by one of the many beautiful expressions of prayer from a member of the online family.

Holy Spirit, just as she has sown the seeds of encouragement, let her reap a harvest of it now.
Comforter, please stand by her side and send her ministering angels to stand with her day and night.
And please send your children in her community to stand with her now, comfort her, and see that her needs are met.
Amen

I would love to share so much more of how we came to love Sharon-Marie and CS like the time we watched your community on the Town Square Webcam we were linked to. I'm wondering who of you here we might have seen ;). Or about the time we tried to convince Sharon-Marie and CS to go, at a designated time and stand in front of the arch of elk antlers and wave at us...never mind that it was in the middle of winter. But if I shared all I would like to this would get too long. Something I personally am known for.

So let me close with this...

Folks, we have an AWESOME God and I know CS is with Him now.
My prayer is that He will comfort our friend Sharon-Marie, CS's family and all of you as you travel your grief journey to the place of blessed memories that will once again freely bring smiles.

God Bless,
We Love You Sharon-Marie

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

{{{Sharon}}} (awed) - You continually touch and bless me in so many ways. Thank you so much for your heart and your love.

{{{Dianne}}} (ladiofaith) - The prayer that you originally wrote for me so soon after CS's death (and that Sharon included as part of the letter) had and continues to have a powerful impact on me. Thank you so much.

{{{Y'all}}} - Your prayers and cyber hugs and cards and love have been a lifeline to me these past few weeks. The roses are a tangible part of y'all and I have dried them and will be keeping them with me. They're still so beautiful; I think of so many of y'all whenever I look at them.

Thank you, everybody, so very much.

Love,
Sharon-Marie



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Teton Rambler (8/28/2005 10:09:30 AM)

Truthfully . . . I'm just writing so that I don't go past the 10-day period in which I need to post in my blog.

I have so many things to say, but at the moment cannot find the words.

Also, CS's death seems to be hitting me harder lately than it did in the beginning. In the beginning, I think I was in such shock that, as painful as those first few weeks were, my mind and body mercifully went into a type of numbing to protect me from the even deeper pain.

I'm incredibly busy lately; too busy. And all the busyness centers around CS's death; various things that have to be done to satisfy probate court. This is definitely not how I planned to spend my summer. I had planned to spend my summer taking drives with CS . . . drives into the park, even a couple of road trips to neighboring states. I had planned to continue life as "always" - with CS and I going about our days together.

There have been so many times when I have felt like just running away . . . like a little girl - and wanting to run away not just on a daily basis; sometimes wanting to even on an hourly basis.

Jesus has continually and encouragingly reminded me to "Be Not Afraid". I remember His Promises to me from the morning that CS died. I remember them and I hang onto them. Sometimes, I absolutely cling to them with everything in me.

There have been so many times that I just wanted to give up, but it's Jesus' Strength that renews me.



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Teton Rambler (9/7/2005 2:03:22 PM)

Temper Tantrums


My computer is in the midst of throwing a tantrum. I think it's tired . . . I type 100 words a minute and Monday I spent 10 hours of doing some very heavy-duty typing (transcribing some tapes for a client of mine).

. . . And I bet y'all thought the title was referring to me throwing temper tantrums. [:D]
(I'm probably not that far away from having one, though).

Anyway, my sweet computer wouldn't boot up yesterday morning nor anytime throughout the day yesterday. It won't boot up today neither. (At the moment, I'm at an internet cafe . . . so I can still do internet work for a couple of my clients, answer emails - and of course, check in with y'all). I'm not sure how long it's going to take to get fixed, so I bought a month's pass to the cafe. Strangely enough, I can use CS's computer for wordprocessing (although I want to use MINE). He, however, was not at all interested in the internet and so when we bought our computers last year, he had his built specifically without an phone port.

Such is life.

Abundant Blessings, y'all!



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Teton Rambler (9/11/2005 3:12:53 PM)

Reconciling the
Emotions of Death


(Specific in my own life)


August 31, 1974; early morning
My mother had been in a coma for the past 3 days. I had spent the night at my neigbor's; the hospital had called in the middle of the night and told my dad he needed to come in; so my dad took me next door and then drove to the hospital. As I was eating breakfast "next door" on the morning of the 31st, I found out my mother had died during the wee morning hours.

As clarification for those who don't know . . . my "mother" was actually my maternal grandmother; She (Shirley) and her second husband / my dad (Walt - my maternal step grand-father) adopted me when I was 3 months old.

So . . . I'm 10 years old and have just been told that my mother has died. It wasn't until a few days later (immediately after the funeral - when our priest told me that I didn't have to be so "brave" and that it would be ok if I cried) that I then "learned" I was "supposed" to be sad. In reality, I wasn't sad; at least not for me. I was terribly upset for and worried about my dad. The pain on his face was almost unbearable to see. However, the overwhelming pervasive emotion that I was truly feeling was one of immense relief.

As far back as my memory took me, I had always been afraid of her. To put it softly, she wasn't a nice person at all. It would be years later that I would learn that the type of parent she had been was directly due to the type of parent she had, uhm, been subjected to. Her mother had died when she was quite young and her father was completely beyond even horribly abusive to her; it was much worse than what one can even imagine.

The way she treated me offers much proof for the validity of the theory that abuse is "taught" from one generation to the next.

Over the years, I have been able to not only forgive her for what she did to me, but I have also wept for her . . . the little girl that suffered such atrocities at the hand of her own father. I have also been able to even forgive him. Jesus is like that. HIS forgiveness is complete and thorough. My human forgiveness wants to put exceptions and conditions on certain circumstances, but it's Jesus' Forgiveness that needs to be extended to anyone; to everyone . . . it's certainly Jesus' Forgiveness that I hope for when I need it . . . to deny anyone else such Purity and Love would not be right; would be in direct conflict of what it means to carry the name, "Christian."

(continued in next post)



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Teton Rambler (9/11/2005 3:14:02 PM)

"Emotions" - continued from previous post

Early Summer, 1985; mid-afternoon
I was nearing the end of the Legal Secretarial program in which I had been enrolled and taking classes. I came home from school and found a piece of paper with the name of a funeral home in the city where my grandfather lived.

(This "grandfather" was my "true" maternal grandfather; he (Tom) had been Shirely's first husband; the father of my birth mother (Squeaky).

Holding the paper in my hand, I looked at Dad (Walt) and said, "Did Grandpa Tom die?" "No," he said, "Your mother did." He then went on to tell me that Grandpa Tom had called him with the news. Squeaky had been a resident of an rehabilitation home for alcoholic women and she had taken her life the day before. In the note she had left, she had said that she couldn't handle the fact that her daughter (me) didn't want to meet her.

Six months earlier, she had contacted me by phone . . . It was our first-ever communication of any kind with each other. I was almost 21 years old . . . I was also pregnant and was making arrangements to have my child adopted after his birth. I definitely wasn't up to any more stress in my life at that point; and I do think meeting my birth mother for the first time would definitely have been stressful. Also, as illogical as I now know it is, at the time, I didn't want her to know that I was pregnant . . . her phone called produced some pretty irrational fears in my young mind back then. I told her that I needed six months and asked her to wait during that time period. I promised I would call her in six months.

I don't know whether she had fear that I would not contact her or even had fear that I would . . . She never gave me the opportunity to keep my promise . . . six months to the day of our conversation, she took her life. Retrospectively, I can give her the benefit of the doubt and realize that she probably didn't intend to "blame" me for her death; but, essentially, that is exactly what she did through the words she wrote in her note.

Truthfully, it really did a number on me. Squeaky was the first person I had ever "known" to take "their" own life. To be "blamed" by the very person who does take their life really produces some pretty heavy mindgames to overcome. It took me years; well over a decade to be able to release the guilt I felt for Squeaky's death.

Suicide is horrendous; there' s absolutely no getting around that.

There was a co-worker (Mark), down in Birmingham, that also took his life - around 1999. I remember a staff meeting being called and all of us being told. I remember just sitting there in the meeting with tears streaming down my face. I knew he was having a rough time; I even had tried to reach out to him. The pain that drives a person to suicide must be excrutiatingly deep; the after-affects of suicide, to those left behind, are almost unbearable. I think of both Squeaky and my co-worker so often.

(continued in next post)



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Teton Rambler (9/11/2005 3:15:11 PM)

"Emotions" - continued from previous post

June 26, 1990; around noon
I had just returned from my lunch break at work when I received a very confusing and upsetting phone call from a very dear lady. She was wanting to know if she should call the hospital if my dad was sick. This didn't sound right; not logically and definitely not coming from her. I tried to call her back at her house, but no one was answering. I called my dad's house. His best friend answered. That's when he told me that he had found my dad. Apparently, Dad had been working out in the yard, had come in to get a drink and then suffered a fatal heart attack.

Growing up and even into my adults years, my dad and I had a pretty tumultuous relationship. Through the Grace and Mercy of Abba, we were able to heal our relationship and we became very close. He died a year later, when I was 26. I'm so grateful for that last year of his life. Extending forgiveness is much easier to do when both parties are alive; I know this first-hand from dealing with Shirley's death. Also, with Dad, I was able to also receive forgiveness from him. I feel so blessed that we were able to do this with each other. I hope he felt blessed, as well.

(continued in next post)



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Teton Rambler (9/11/2005 3:17:24 PM)

"Emotions" - continued from previous post

I've been thinking a lot about Shirley and Squeaky and Dad and Mark lately. I'm sure it has to do with CS's death. And of course, hardly a minute doesn't go by when I'm not thinking of CS. I miss him so incredibly deeply. It's simultaneously comforting and scary how much I miss him.

Death is a part of life. I know this. But suicide never should enter into that equation. Had CS died not from his own hands, I think I might be able to accept his death better.

CS knew about Squeaky's note and he knew how deeply that affected me. God Bless him . . . even in the midst of doing what he did, he made sure that one of the things he wrote in his note was that what he was doing was his own choice and that it wasn't my fault.

Sweetie, I thank you for that . . . some of your last thoughts and concerns were for me. Thank you. I love you so much; I miss you so very deeply.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I started these past few posts writing about reconciling the emotions that arise from when someone dies.

Concerning CS's death, my emotions have run the gamut . . . despair, grief, anger, sadness, guilt, loneliness, fear and then repeating the cycle all over again; sometimes feeling some of these various feelings simultaneously with each other. The "happy memories" are almost too painful for me right now.

Even the anger . . . the very last time I was at the mortuary, I told him that I would always love him. I also told him that I knew there were going to be times when I would be quite angry with him for what he did; but that even through the anger, I would still love him. And it's true. I love him when I'm sad and missing him and I love him when I'm angry with him.

I love him. Pure and Simple. Love is a decision; it is not dependant on changing circumstances or "in-the-moment" feelings. Love always is.

The only way I know of how to get through all "this" is to give it to Jesus. People have commented on "my strength." That's laughable. Quite honestly, I'm one of the wimpiest people I know. It's only through Jesus that I can get through any of this. It's HIS Strength that people notice; certainly not mine.

For Your Glory, Lord.
For Your Honor and for Your Praise.

Thank You, Jesus, for never leaving me; Thank You for taking care of me; Thank you for YOU.



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Teton Rambler (9/18/2005 3:05:21 PM)

Healing from the Effects of Grief

It's been a rough several weeks. Fear and uncertainty, despair, desolation, loneliness, extreme sadness, anger. And the intensity of all these unwelcomed emotions were beyond overwhelming. But!!! [sm=icon_smile_sing.gif] As HE promised, Jesus was right there with me - through it all. Thank You, Lord for bringing me through all the yuck; thank You for letting me lean on YOU; Thank You for protecting me.

This past week was devoted to packing up CS's photography studio. I've got about 3 more hours to go and then I can move on to the next item on the "to-do list." Truthfully, I had a couple of melt-downs in the studio this past week . . . especially when I started moving all of his photography equipment. At one point, Misty was keeping me company and I looked at her and said, "Well, puss-girl; I guess the studio is offically closed." The reality of what I said hit me full force and I found myself in sobbing tears for the next couple of hours.

Packing up CS's studio has brought a range of emotions . . . he was so incredibly creative; and not just photographically. It's been said to me by several people that he has probably photographed "pratically everybody in Jackson Hole and then some." I've seen the proof of that statement over and over many times this past week. I've simultaneously have enjoyed seeing the tangible creativity of his passions and have felt deeply saddened that it's all gone now; have mourned the robbery of his zest for life.

Grief is quite exhausting. Emotionally AND physically. I've had unexplained nose bleeds a few times lately. I've been incredibly tired and have just generally been physically overly-sensitive (achey muscles, headaches, etc.). I'm ok; I know I am. It's the emotional grief manifesting itself physically. It's got to release itself somehow . . . and I can only cry so many tears before I drain myself into exhaustion. Things will eventually "right theirselves" again. I confidently know this to be true.

Grief is also so very self-centered. I don't like that; not one bit. I don't like it all being about me. I find the selfishness of grief to be so . . . well, icky. Yes, it's natural . . . to a point. But I still don't like being so selfish; so "me-oriented." Some people have argued that point with me. Oh well. I'm sure there's validity on both sides of the debate; as with anything there's a balance there somewhere.

I woke up this morning with a renewed outlook on life. Thank You, Jesus! [sm=icon_smile_sing.gif][sm=icon_smile_sing.gif][sm=icon_smile_sing.gif] Last week I was clinging to HIS Promises. Yes, I was believing them . . . but I wasn't really "feeling" them. Today, I am still believing HIS Promises . . . and I'm also "feeling" them.

I CAN do ALL things through Christ Jesus who gives me strength! (Philippians 4:13)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Life goes on." I never really knew how often I said or thought that statement until the past 3 months.

The first time, after CS's death, that I thought it, I just cringed. "But it's not going on for CS" was my immediate response.

No, it's not; that is definitely a reality . . . and it's so incredibly sad . . . and so, truthfully, painful for me to admit. Nevertheless, it is the truth.

BUT!!! [sm=icon_smile_sing.gif] Life does go on for me. Sometimes part of my living will include grieving over CS's death. Sometimes it won't. Whatever my life includes on any given day; at any given moment, I know that Jesus will be there with me and that I am to look to HIM for His Wisdom and His Guidance . . . and if necessary, HIS Comfort . . . and always, HIS Peace and HIS Joy.

Thank You, Abba for my life; my total life.
Thank You for guiding me.
Thank You for always being there with me and for me.


For Your Honor and Glory, Lord.
For Your Praise.



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Teton Rambler (9/24/2005 9:39:14 PM)

So Very True . . .

"Grief can be so exhausting."

"Grief can become so monotonous."

"The grieving process will not be denied. You can't short-circuit it. You can't avoid it. You can't speed it up. You can't -in the case of a lost mate- decide to replace that mate and thereby fill the emotional void. All you can do is feel the pain and cry the tears until the pain has subsided sufficiently and the flow of tears becomes less and less. Then and only then can you get on with the rest of your life."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I've been packing up CS's computer area today . . . which, in addition to various pieces of equipment, also includes many, many, many papers; both computer-printed and handwritten - and of several different sizes. Among some of his various journalings and other writings, I found the above quotes written in his hand-writing. I'm guessing he wrote them during his own personal grief process either during his second wife's illness and/or after her death.

CS, once again, you and I have very similar thoughts. I'm glad you would have understood.



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Teton Rambler (9/28/2005 5:05:52 PM)

The REAL Me


"This is Sharon-Marie, CS's widow."

"You're not his wife anymore."

The first quote was said about a week after CS had died. I know the person meant no harm at all in the way she introduced me and I also know that she probably meant it as a sign of respect . . . but I had an immediate strong dislike to hearing it and I "wanted" to take issue with what she said - right then and there. Thankfully, I could also hear Our Lord's Holy Spirit encouraging me to hold my tongue and I could feel His comfort overshadowing me.

Widow??!?!?!? Even now, I have very negative reactions to that word . . . as if someone had just said profanity to me. Irrational? Probably. Afterall, the reality of the matter IS that, at the moment, I am a widow; specifically, CS's widow. But still!

The 2nd quote at the beginning of this blog was said to me by one of the Bens, about a month after CS died. Again, there was that very strong aversion to what I had just heard. So I asked him, "What's wrong with my saying that I'm his wife?" Either to side-step an arguement or to avoid hurting my feelings . . . or perhaps, both, he said, "Well, you can call yourself his wife, if that's what you need to do."


"CS was my husband."

I've found myself saying this twice lately. The most recently was about 30 minutes ago as I was talking to the bus driver. As I was walking home, it occurred to me exactly what I had said . . . and what I had not said; specifically I did not say, "I'm CS's wife." One statement is present-tense, ongoing. The other one is past-tense, definitive.

Perhaps it's an outward sign of another level of healing. I know I'm not consciously trying to change how I tell people who I am in regards to CS, but the change is there - without any effort.

I think Ben was right to not push the point and to let me just come to it naturally. From a personal standpoint, I deeply appreciate it.

Ultimately, I am Sharon-Marie, Daughter of the Most High King. Happily, that aspect of me, I know, will never change. [sm=icon_smile_sing.gif][sm=icon_smile_sing.gif][sm=icon_smile_sing.gif]



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Teton Rambler (9/30/2005 5:19:18 AM)

Hi everyone.

It's 2:00am out here in the Beautiful Wild, Wild West.

I read something, here in these forums, about 6 hours ago that initially hurt me very deeply and has since troubled me greatly. Just 3 little sentences . . . with such an impact.

Ironically, I read it in a thread I don't visit that often - but occasionally do. Tonight was one of those occasions.

I'm truly trying to give the poster the benefit of the doubt from the standpoint that what was written wasn't meant to intentionally hurt me. In fact, I've struggled with whether or not I should even publicly address "this" because I don't want to hurt the poster's feelings. However, what I read is serious enough that, yes, I do need to address it.

And so it is, dear friends here on the Faith Community Network, that I'm going to ask a favor of y'all.

I would ask that you, please, refrain from publicly speculating about any aspect of my life, and most especially anything relating to CS's death.

If you have sincere, respectful, honest questions; or would like to comment on something that I've written here in my blog . . . please - I most certainly invite you to do so in "our" chat thread ("our" meaning yours and mine; the link is below; the one marked "yours") . . . and of course, you can always pm me.

I am always and will continue to be very happy to answer heartfelt questions. One of the reasons why I write / blog about the events of this past summer is, of course, therapeutic and healing for me. Another reason is to make myself available so that there is a "safe" place for any of y'all who want to truly know how to respond / relate to the loved one of someone who has taken their life.

But I need a safe place too, and for someone to casually speculate as to my responsibility for what CS did was quite painful for me to read. At the very least, I find it gossip-based (the "speculation" wasn't even written to me; it was written about me). Additionally, I also found the other 2 sentences of what I read earlier to be degrading to CS. Please, please don't do that.

It's now 3:15am. It has taken me over an hour to write this blog entry. I have struggled with choosing the right words, etc.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I'm going to be taking a break from these forums for a few days. I will keep many of y'all in my prayers.

HIS Peace and HIS Joy everyone!
Abundant Blessings, y'all!
Love,
Sharon-Marie



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