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Why do I do this. Myspace - 8/27/2007 5:05:32 PM
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FayOTO0102
Posts: 33
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
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This is going to be hard to explain and keep short but I will try. It is something that bothers me a little not much but Im still worried its not healthy of me.
Im sure most of you know of myspace (online social community) Well like alot of people Im somewhat of an addict. I love to customize my page, keep up with friends, even network, etc etc. The problem I am having came when I received a friend request from my ex boyfriend (we were together end of High school and one year after about gosh.. 7 years ago). I was really suprised to get one from him. Our relationship back then was immature and crazy. Even though our relationship was so much fun in the beggining eventually He was emotionally abusive to me and I was demanding and fought back hard. I was head over heals for him (in infatuation I believe not true love) for whatever reason. He was very pressuring to me on certain ways if you know what I mean. Our breakup was not overly nice at all, it was mutual but he had the last word and MAN that killed my pride BAD. I always thought I had given him a chance because I was a pretty girl and he.. well lets just say he wasnt prince charming. Part of the reason I went out with him was I thought he was a christian. Anyway thats a little history. After we broke up he immediatly started dating a girl and soon after was sleeping with her and everything. (again he was always pressuring of me but I never slept with him) My reasoning for explaining all this is that it was all very painful to my pride. I couldnt believe he broke up with me for a girl he knew he could start sleeping with and other things that I compared that made me feel down. The whole experience was well painful at 1st but.. AWESOME! ha! Over the next few year God taught me SO MUCH through that experience. It humbled me where I needed it, it taught me what true love really was and how God had saved me from a bad relationship that would have never been good. There were a couple occasions he called me a year or so after and Im not sure what he was up to, he told me he loved me, that our 1st everything was better than anything with her, this and that. That of course made me feel good for all the wrong reasons. I found out later that the times he was calling was because he was having issues with that girl. His parent were devistated that he broke up with me for her. Not to be arrogant but I was a good girl and well her NOT SO MUCH. Between then and now I have thought about him alot, I dont know why, I think its still the pride thing, or maybe I just cant help but care for him as a person. we still both live in the same town and sometimes I worry about running into him and the awkwarness. I hear things about him through mutual people. Even though Im way over me and him being together and was a month after out break up I have these crazy things that just pop in my life FORCING me to be reminded of him. Its hard to explain and sometimes I think well maybe God is like to continue to use this thing in my life to teach me.
Back to now. He hasnt gotten ahold of me via phone since I changed my number 4 years ago or so. But a year ago I get this friend request on myspace and now all of a sudden I know all this stuff about his life because well, thats what Myspace does. He drinks now, even worse of a perv, but he is married yes to that girl and has a kid. This is what bothers me. No I dont go looking at his page everyday bla bla BUT I am able to see that HE looks at my page EVERY single day of the week and sometimes multiple times. I have a tracker that Ive had on my page that most people dont know how to use that tracks IP adresses and I see that he visits everyday from his work address. He would have no idea that Im able to track because most people dont know how to do it and dont think its possible. I know this sounds so phyco but seriously all this stuff like I stated before COMES TO ME! Every time Im not thinking about him something about him comes in contact with me and thats how this started. Of course I would be curious to know how much he visits so now FOR a whole year I have watched him look at my page every day and I enjoy the fact that it might be because he misses me. But then I think, what if he is just laughing at me. He has messaged me a few times saying hi or asking me this or that but I always keep it real short and I think he gets the message that Im not interested in talking much.
The other big thing I have noticed is ALSO that when I do visit his page he has 85% of the time had a song on his profile that is about a long lost love, or about having a broken heart.
What I think is unhealth is how I constantly wonder if he misses me. Do you think it sounds like he does? Is is wrong of me for pride reasons to like that he might? Why would he look so much, and have those songs. Or am I just bored and crazy.
Like I said it is seriously just a pure entertainment thing to me and my pride but it does bother me at times that I care so much about knowing why he looks. I thought I was over the pride thing. Right now I am married to a wonderful man, I am TRUELY happy (despite these actions possibly making you think Im not, ha and I dont blame you) I just want to know if this is crazy or if its harmless and human naturely normal.. Thoughts? sorry so long.
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RE: Why do I do this. Myspace - 8/27/2007 5:11:08 PM
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laura...
Posts: 2721
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
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quote:
I just want to know if this is crazy or if its harmless and human naturely normal.. Thoughts?
You have crossed over from harmless curiosity to obsession. I recommend that you remove him from your friend's list so that he can no longer view your page and stop viewing his or tracking his IP. If you find that you cannot stop then delete your MySpace page and get counseling.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: Why do I do this. Myspace - 8/27/2007 5:39:37 PM
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peace77
Posts: 1157
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline
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I agree with Laura.
You're spending way toooo much time even thinking about someone who was abusive to you and is now a MARRIED MAN.
Take down your page and find another hobby.
Peace,
Anne
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RE: Why do I do this. Myspace - 8/27/2007 6:02:08 PM
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ta_mosquito
Posts: 10930
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: from MN, now in Ontario :D
Status: offline
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Yep. Remove his friends status and quit obsessing over him.
If your husband were acting this way towards an ex, how would you feel?
Cut off the ex and focus on your marriage.
_____________________________
Tricia
"When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire department generally uses water." ~Unknown
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RE: Why do I do this. Myspace - 8/27/2007 6:02:30 PM
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preserved
Posts: 1262
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline
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fayoto0102,
He still has feelings for you...The main reason is because you were different with him as others and the one girl that he did sleep with and eventually married...Often a man will miss what he never could get...I think he realizes that now...
But he is maried now and perhaps you need to get off of this my space or stop viewing his page..He may have a tracker as well..and/or knows that you are viewing him as well...I also think you have feelings for him as well..in spite of what you are telling yourself here and to others.
If you are married...why the my space page?
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RE: Why do I do this. Myspace - 8/27/2007 6:04:47 PM
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shadowspring
Posts: 1267
Joined: 5/27/2006
Status: offline
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There's no better counsel that what has already been provided. Don't wait! And if you can't delete him from your friend's list and from your thought life, DO get counseling as well.
TWO marriages are at stake here!
_____________________________
"All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost..." -J. R. R. Tolkien
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RE: Why do I do this. Myspace - 8/27/2007 6:37:11 PM
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FayOTO0102
Posts: 33
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
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first off I want to thank everyone for there responses although Im concerned of the tone of some of them. Some did not come off very caring or kind but a manner that would make someone who is struggling feel worse. I dont feel worse but Id hate for someone else to be talked to like that.
I need to clarify some thing as I wrote that all very fast and I was aware I would get some of these comments and I know it does sound kinda crazy. I will DEFINETLY agree that I am obsessed with knowing how much he looks because that was why I posted this. That is it though. I may still have feelings for him BUT they are not the kind in which I want to be with him. I am so turned off by how he is now (smokes, drinks, drugs, nasty) I wouldnt want to touch him with a 10ft pole. Now one would say well if that was the case then you wouldnt care about him looking. Well, see the issue here is my pride, I have a PRIDE issue and always have struggled with it. HE is the ONLY person I have EVER felt rejected badly by so in my prideful issues I hold myself up to him having rejected me. When I see that he saw what a mistake he made I feed off of it and it makes me feel better. Do I think this is a right way for me to feel better about myself after my pride getting busted, NO, again why Im here. I did NOT go searching for this to leach on to it came to me. I had the tracker, just for fun and see who of my friends where looking THEN he sent me the request, it went from there. I agree that I should give it up. I swear if I did though SOMETHING else about him would pop up in my life, thats how it always happens, its weird.
My marriage is NOT on the line from this. My husband knows everything about me and all of my feelings about this issue. He even knows I have that tracker cause he teases me about. At the same time, I dont want this to have potential to do damage in the future, somehow, because I know its not healthy to be pride obsessed like this.
As far as his marriage, well I cant control how much he looks, yes I could delete him but see if I delete him now that could cause me more issues. IF I didnt except his friend request in the 1st place that could have also causeed me issues. We have mutual friends and so on. I dunno..
I know some of you could think Im lying about any of this but that would not help the issue and I am obviously looking for outsite views on this issue. I do believe that some of this is just natural human nature. The bad thing about Myspace is it makes it so easy to obsess. I want to be a stronger person and beat this pride thing. I dont want to have to feed off of knowing a person that hurt and rejected me might miss me now. At the same time I dont want to see his marriage or relationship with is precious child get hurt. Any of thoese I guess could be a possibility but I think he has worse issues than me to deal with really. I will work and pray about deleting him. It will be hard to do because I know he will wonder why. Sometimes Im worried he would hurt me even to be honest. Ive heard in the past he has hit his current wife. not sure if its true but Id almost believe it.He never got that far with me. Prob cause he knew Id blind side him ha! bah anyway. this is just so much I know it simply just sounds phyco. Im not sure posting on here has a good point.
Thanks you all. Pray for me if you can.
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RE: Why do I do this. Myspace - 8/27/2007 6:39:38 PM
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FayOTO0102
Posts: 33
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
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Oh and myspace pages are not for singles. Everyone has one. It even has a place where you marked you are married. I have loads of pictures of me and my husband on there. Im on there to keep in contact with friends and family. Im NOT deleting my page over him thats for sure. I delete him before I do that.
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RE: Why do I do this. Myspace - 8/27/2007 9:01:17 PM
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accntable
Posts: 129
Joined: 6/3/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: FayOTO0102
Oh and myspace pages are not for singles. Everyone has one. It even has a place where you marked you are married. I have loads of pictures of me and my husband on there. Im on there to keep in contact with friends and family. Im NOT deleting my page over him thats for sure. I delete him before I do that.
Well no, not everyone has one by a long shot. And I'm going to say something that will probably cause some to think I'm over-generalizing, but here goes. Of my adult married friends or acquaintances who have a MySpace page, at least 80% of them are immature adults who act more like teeneagers, to the detriment of their marriages. There are a FEW exceptions, but not many.
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RE: Why do I do this. Myspace - 8/27/2007 10:00:16 PM
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shadowspring
Posts: 1267
Joined: 5/27/2006
Status: offline
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I think you may have misinterpreted our concerns for you as petty or misplaced. I've been on forums awhile now and most of the people here are really kind and compassionate.
As for me (and I can only speak for myself) I am sharing a strong warning to you because I have seen so many marriages fail in the past twenty years that I have been married. 
I know I do not intend to hurt you, but to warn you. Especially if things are good in your marriage now, act to keep it that way. You don't need admiration from anyone other than the man you took your vows with. 
Even if your husband knows all about the ex-bf looking at your myspace, that doesn't mean your fascination with his looking is harmless.
If every married person had a sense of danger or forewarning when they started down a path that eventually led to a break-up, there would be no break-ups.
If you took the ex-bf off your friend's list, maybe he would stop daydreaming about lost love and work on his own marriage! Have you considered that? You could bless his wife by removing yourself from his fantasies. Even if you do not like her (not saying that's the case) you would be obeying the Lord by blessing your enemy. 
And it is narcissitic for you to enjoy his daily spying on you. Sorry to be so blunt, but you noticed in yourself first, and you are right on the money.
You write as if it would be soooo hard for you give up your pride, but it would be easy if you would just DO IT. I don't think it would cause the drama you fear, especially if you handle it like it was no big deal, just time to move on and forget the past.
It reminds me of a sad story from my MK husband's childhood. Another young boy was playing with a dead snake. The Indians told him it was harmless, and they truly thought it was. The poison snake (coral) and the harmless variety look a lot alike. That night the child got sick, and no one connected it with the dead snake he had played with earlier in the day. It was only after the boy died that the coroner discovered he had been a victim of snakebite poisoning. 
As veteran married ladies (and maybe gents, dont know genders of all posters) we fear for you that what seems harmless to you and your husband could lead to a bad outcome later on.
_____________________________
"All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost..." -J. R. R. Tolkien
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RE: Why do I do this. Myspace - 8/27/2007 10:49:52 PM
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laura...
Posts: 2721
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
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quote:
Im concerned of the tone of some of them. Some did not come off very caring or kind but a manner that would make someone who is struggling feel worse. I dont feel worse but Id hate for someone else to be talked to like that.
One of the problems with the written word and forums is that there is no "tone" other than what the readers thoughts put there. If you could actually hear our voices you would probably hear a very caring, very kind tone.
I only suggest that you delete your page if you can't gain control over what you have described as your pride and are unable to remove your ex from your friends list. If you can stop this obsession now then no worries.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: Why do I do this. Myspace - 8/28/2007 12:14:04 AM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 795
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline
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The bible tells us to flee from temptation ---
why aren't you running yet?
Affairs happen when we keep going back to the source of our
desire and not doing as the bible instructs - flee from temptation -
stop playing with fire! You will get burned!
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RE: Why do I do this. Myspace - 8/28/2007 3:09:54 AM
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miasma
Posts: 6159
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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I'll be honest, I skimmed that post. It was long, and hard to read.
But what I got was: whoever he is, move on!
The bad thing about Myspace is people substitute it for actual relationships, people treat it like reality.
Your reality:
He's married. Move on.
Of course you think about him. You had a relationship with him.
However, that relationship is over. Treat it as such, and move forward with your life.
_____________________________
Barack & the faith vote
http://jamesdobsondoesntspeakforme.com/
What's tappening...
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RE: Why do I do this. Myspace - 8/28/2007 5:43:52 AM
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Sadey
Posts: 463
Joined: 7/25/2007
Status: offline
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Dear Fay
If you really feel that you are obsessing about this, then I suggest that you get some Christian couseling to help you. Sometimes we get stuck in an certain age and need help to finish growing up. What happened to you with this man was a deep hurt and you may need help getting over it. Hon, this is not healthy behavior for you or for your marriage. And this other man doesn't sound stable and what about his wife and child?
You are playing with dynamite and my concern is why? I think you know that it isn't something God wants for you to be doing or you wouldn't be asking us for help, which by the way tells me that you in your heart know this needs to stop. I worry about your attitude of I won't give up MySpace. Please get some help.
"Take every thougth captive for Christ"
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RE: Why do I do this. Myspace - 8/28/2007 7:18:01 AM
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okatybug5
Posts: 156
Joined: 6/17/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
Im NOT deleting my page over him thats for sure. I delete him before I do that.
Then delete him. I also have a myspace page that is used to keep up with Mommy friends from my playgroup boards and scrapbooking things. I would NEVER have an ex-boyfriend as a friend nor any other man for that matter (except for maybe a male relative).
You are married now and that is your past. I would thank God that you got away from him when you did (abusive and you said he lives unclean now). Put your Pride aside. Give it to God. That Pride could ruin your marriage.
I would delete him in a heartbeat and never look back. You should delete him now and feel "proud" that you got rid of him. Why would you want someone back in your life that treated you like that in the past!!
Praying that you gain the strength to put the past in the PAST and move on with your husband to the future.
_____________________________
Katie
Married 20 Yrs. to DH, Tim
Tj (14), Josh (10), Jennifer (5)
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RE: Why do I do this. Myspace - 8/28/2007 7:50:10 AM
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dragonwing
Posts: 127
Joined: 5/6/2007
Status: offline
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My husband's ex (they have a child together, never married, were young) "accidentally" emailed her myspace link to him. I put that in quotes, because I seriously wonder if it was an accident like she said.He told me what she did, and deleted the email.
I noticed that you said there would be issues if you deleted him from your friends list. I think you should have the "oh well" attitude toward that one. Sometimes you have to let go of old ties, especially if they cause you trouble and there's no reason for you to stay in contact. (Such as...you don't have children with this guy, they're not family...)
People lived without myspace before it existed, if it's this bad of an obsession for you....you should delete the whole page. I know you said you use it for family, but there are other ways to update what's going with them.
Everyone has had their pride hurt at one time or another, it can cause some damage. But continuing to think about it and thinking about an ex can cause even more, especially when you are both married!
I forget where the verse is, but there is one that says the man who keeps his hand on the plow and continues to look behind him is not fit for the kingdom of God. I think of that as if we focus on our past, we can't work well for God.
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RE: Why do I do this. Myspace - 8/28/2007 8:56:10 AM
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FayOTO0102
Posts: 33
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
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Thank you all so very very much. All of your words have been encouraging and right. Some I think are just a tad overboard but again I could blame that on my poor writing.
ShadowSpring your words have especially meant alot to me. Although this issue is still simply kinda fun to me (which is so wrong I now) and has not caused ANY issues with my marriage now I know it has potential. I need to work on my pride in a healthy way. Me and my husband talked about it some last night. I didnt tell him about posting on here. He thinks forums are silly ha but I talked about it with him.
Crazy enough I have ANOTHER ex boyfriend from even before this one that calls me almost every months. That is the one that REALLY bothers my husband. It burns him up that he has the nerve to call me, especially after we are married. I dont return his calls. That one was hard to break because me and him remained friends that talked on the phone after we broke up and while I was single. He doesnt understand why we cant continue to be friends... I did it with him so I can do it here too.. Its just hard. I dont have hard feelings for my Xs wife at all and with that I should care to know that him looking at my page so much would be hurtful if she knew. Ive known from word of mouth that she gets really jelious about me. I just never thought about him simply looking at my page causing HIM damage. but I guess its safe to say that has not been my focus huh! ha!. I def have some self centeredness AND insecurity to work out with this issue.
Thank you all so much. Sorry for my horrific writing skills and lengthy posts
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RE: Why do I do this. Myspace - 8/28/2007 9:30:42 AM
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preserved
Posts: 1262
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline
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Fayoto0202,
I am sorry...but You asked the question "Why do I do this" Advise has been given to you...It seems that this issue is a big joke to you...You definately have not only pride but conceded as well..You cannot get over the fact that the exboyfriend has moved on...remember it was your choice...Then you start going about what you heard he does in regards to the hitting...Do you know this for a fact!!! What does this mean to you? Does your husband know that you visit the ex's page daily and why?
Does you husband know that you have a pride problem. What issues are involved if you delete him now? "I will work and pray about deleting him"
You left God out of the picture when you started this issue...Truth is you do not want to delete him..be honest with your self...then seek some counseling as to why? and why the pride? This is not of God's character
NOT EVERYONE HAS MY SPACE...I don't
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RE: Why do I do this. Myspace - 8/28/2007 10:06:30 AM
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FayOTO0102
Posts: 33
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
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Did you read my post right before your's preserved? Your post is kind of confusing me. You must not have read all of my post before posting. I NO WHERE said that I look at his page daily. I look at it here and there but not even close to everyday (and yes I know I shouldnt look at all but I get curious to see how crazy he is.). HE is the one that looks daily. Any info I have been given on my X has come from his sibling so, its a fact as far as that goes, unless she lied which Im not sure why she would. What it meant to me was .... fsshweew Im glad I didnt get that far AND I also felt very badly for her.
Im not over the rejection to some degree and Ive admitted that countlessly on here. Im ok with the fact that he moved on because I wanted to too. It was just the pain of the last hurtful words he had over me, and to be rejected BY HIM!.. YOu would just have to know all the details and I think Ive shared enough. Just lots of insults and put downs, degrading is how it felt to me. Thats where my pride kicks in, he is a person that has said some of the most hurtful things to me and insulted me. At the same time I turned around and retaliated to him as well, Im sure I hurt him back too.
In other areas of my life Im not prideful at all. Im very quick to admit Im wrong or have an issue hence me being on here. I know its just a forum and I can hid and you all dont know me but Im not prideful in other areas in person.
And YES I am having a hard time deleting him and this is why. Since our hurtful breakup we have made amends (a long time ago but we did and it was a nice closure at that time, and for once he was very humble and kind), He sent me the friend request a year ago and since we had been cool with each other I accepted it (mistake I know but I didnt want him to think anything)and he has been on there a year! I cant imagine what he would think if I dropped him out of no where. He might think Im mad, then Id hear it through someone, he might think I miss him and couldnt take just being his friend . and that of course would bother me (which is stupid and immature). Im sure all that is over anylizing but I dont see what hurts just leaving him on there but ignoring him by not tracking and not looking out of curiosity anymore. Its not like we talk, like I said the few times he has messaged me I have shut it down politely by replying to his comments or question in a manner where there would not need to be a continuation of the conversation. Very short, to the point as if to say I dont think we need to be talking on here. Its also not like I put anything on my page that is an attempt to temp him or any other guy.
I did just now though, take the 1st huge step and I deleted my tracker. That was hard because I enjoy seeing who all visits my page. That was the part that I felt was all wrong, me enjoying seeing him look. Im also just going to stop looking at his page all together.
Im sorry I was taken so LITERAL when I said EVERYONE has a mypsace lol gosh. I know some people are anti myspace. I think there is nothing wrong with it but it of course can get out of hand. I dont agree that your marriage is messy if you have a myspace, lol that is ridiculous but I guess that is your experience. I know plenty of great people who enjoy the networking and connection that is found in having a page. I also have a hard time believing that someone would not even have guy friends. I guess Im in huge trouble then because I ahve TONS of guy friends. Do I go hang out with them Alone, no but I have lots of guy friends and connections.
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RE: Why do I do this. Myspace - 8/28/2007 11:47:34 AM
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annie611
Posts: 68
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline
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I think you should consider deleting him from your friends list out of respect to his wife. Try to put yourself in her shoes. He doesn't sound like that great of a guy and she is married to him.
:(
Have you thought of her happiness? Maybe if you delete him, you will be helping her. How would you feel if your husband was "pursuing" a relationship with his ex?
I think you should set your pride aside and show love to his wife by cutting him off. Putting others first is a good way to show your maturity in this situation.
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RE: Why do I do this. Myspace - 8/28/2007 12:44:50 PM
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preserved
Posts: 1262
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline
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Glad you decided to remove the tracker...I would also delete him all together..Pride is Pride...You cannot have Pride in one area and not in others...That like someone saying I am not jealous but only to one person..it's a characteristic...He rejected you is the whole issue...
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RE: Why do I do this. Myspace - 8/28/2007 3:19:31 PM
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CheshireMuse
Posts: 38
Joined: 8/23/2007
Status: offline
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So, this man is not a Christian, is a drinker, married with a child, a drug-user, a pervert, and abusive. Why do you think he's looking at your profile all the time? Because he still "loves" you? Honey, I don't think a man like that knows what love is.
Of course, there is another possible reason that he's obsessing over your MySpace page.... unfortunately it has more to do with what he didn't get from you, rather than you, p | | | |
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