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RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr ... - 2/29/2008 3:55:07 PM
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joy2give2u
Posts: 4195
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From: Indiana
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quote:
In everything she wrote I detected nothing that says that she wants to be good to her husband, everything she talked about was the benefits of marriage to her. I think this may be a case where perception is colored by the words each person focused on while reading the article.
Her words, along with the examples she used, lead me to believe she was not looking for someone to take over half the duties, pay half the bills or be only a business partner in a family..........Words such as teamwork, knows your day to day trivia and puts up with your quirks........spoke more of a deep bonding, a closeness not typical of two people unless they love deeply and are committed to each other.
Even the examples she used to make her case, such as Will and Grace, speak of a bond so strong you willingly put the other person ahead of your own wants and desires. I have only seen the show Will and Grace three or four times but the connection between the two is very, very strong.......so much so when I first saw it I thought they were married.
The woman who wrote the article touched my heart.........I did not read what she wrote the way others here did and still am confused why the assumption was made by settling for less then what she thought she wanted meant she would not love, honor and give of herself to her husband..........Are only those men(or things)which lead to adventure, power, excitement and fulfillment of what we want out of life worthy of love?
Let me tell you a love story. One I think the lady writing the article would relate to if she would to read it.
Many many years ago in a far off land was a princess eagerly chasing her dreams.
She was high spirited, full of passion, pursuing all life had to offer.....from shore to shore she traveled making friends, seeking adventure, escaping danger and loving life.
One perilous adventure lead her face to face with death  Desperate and afraid the princess called out, "Father help me"
He came. Her King. Riding in to rescue His princess.
Taking her home to safety where he tended her wounds with his very hands.....
Strength returned, fear buried, the strong princess began to rise out the ashes of defeat.
Was she ready to begin her quest for the desires of her heart again? Was she strong enough?
"Yes I am ready" she proclaimed
"No my beloved you are not" responded the King "I am giving you the task of caring for my servant, the one who committed his life to raising you, in his old age"
The King had issued His order the princess would do as He commanded.
The village was stunned.
"But what of her dreams?"
"What of the princess's goals and desires?"
"Do they mean nothing to the King?"
"He is making her settle for a life so much less then what she could have"
On and on the village people grumbled, making their opinion clear to the princess and even though at times she would begin to wonder ,if she was settling for less in her life, she trusted the King's love for her and believed somehow settling would not be a negative thing.
Year upon year the princess tended the King's servant, bandaging his wounds, cooking, cleaning, keeping him company and serving him.
Her love for him grew from loving him for what he had done for her growing up to loving him for who he was and who loving him was making her. Loving him, caring for him, giving her life for him changed her in ways she could never have imagined.
She had settled in life for far less then what she had imagined but had gained more then she could comprehend.
Loving and serving the King's servant was not settling as she had thought...no it was so much more....the relationship built, experience lived, knowledge gained, and sacrifice given fulfilled the princess more then any adventure she had previous sought.....this grand adventure.........the one others, including the princess had considered settling for less.......turned out the be the greatest adventure of her life so far.
Here my story takes a turn.........the servant dies.
The princess is left alone. So honored is she, the King, gave her the opportunity to serve his servant, the one who the King had chosen to raise his daughter, with an unconditional, serving love.
The King had used the experience to transform the thinking of the Princess. She no longer had a desire to seek all the things which were so important to her.
She sees clearly refusing to "settle" would have lead to her settling for far less then what she gained when she did settle.
I think the princess and the lady who wrote the article see things in a similar way.......
The princess understands the comment about being alone with someone is better then being alone.....When her life was focused on pursuing her desires and dreams she had moments of feeling lonely but rarely felt alone..........Now that she is no longer living her life in service to one she loves, now that he is gone, she is very alone........Being alone,after experiencing what it means to be together, is so much harder then being lonely.
Yes I think the princess and the lady who wrote the article see things in a similar way..........the only different........
The princess, upon obedience to the King, settled and in doing so realized what loving another really means.
The lady in the article, because she does not yet know the King, did not settle and in doing so learned what loving another does not mean.
Wait the story is not over.......you see there will be a happy ending for the Princess........I believe the King has already begun to arrange her marriage to a prince who she will be able to love even more then she did the one she loved before him.
As for the lady in the article........I have hope for her........I believe she may someday chose to settle for less then she thought she wanted and find so much more then she was seeking.
The end.
_____________________________
It is better to communicate the Spirit of what the Word says then the actual words read
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RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr ... - 2/29/2008 4:27:24 PM
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John_O
Posts: 6882
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quote:
ORIGINAL: joy2give2u
Even the examples she used to make her case, such as Will and Grace,
Will's a sexual pervert. The show has no relevance to marriage whatsoever.
(start of story)
quote:
The King had issued His order the princess would do as He commanded.
So the princess obeys the king. Good. She did not settle, she simply obeyed. The author of the article is obeying only herself. Not really a good comparison.
quote:
Wait the story is not over.......you see there will be a happy ending for the Princess........I believe the King has already begun to arrange her marriage to a prince who she will be able to love even more then she did the one she loved before him.
Obedience brings it's reward. By not settling, she will get what she desired. If she had settled (and disobeyed the king) she'd not get what she really wanted.
quote:
As for the lady in the article........I have hope for her........I believe she may someday chose to settle for less then she thought she wanted and find so much more then she was seeking.
She's already planning to settle for less than she wants. A loveless marriage of convenience from all I read. Far too sad. Now perhaps she'll get saved and then she too can obey the King and not settle.
BTW, very good story.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr ... - 2/29/2008 4:57:15 PM
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WalkingwithHim2
Posts: 1883
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I'm looking for Mr. Right for Me, one who will encourage and nurture me to become the best me possible and let me do the same for him and I will NOT settle for less.
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RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr ... - 3/1/2008 12:37:22 AM
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OneOfHisJewels
Posts: 1508
Joined: 8/9/2007
From: California
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quote:
Of course, there's always Dr. Phil, right ? LOL (Married X amt of times)
Actually, IIRC, he's still married to his first wife, and only married once.
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RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr ... - 3/1/2008 12:44:11 AM
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WaitingforBoaz
Posts: 3019
Joined: 2/11/2008
From: The Hundred Acre Wood
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quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
quote:
Of course, there's always Dr. Phil, right ? LOL (Married X amt of times)
Actually, IIRC, he's still married to his first wife, and only married once.
I have read his wife Robins book "Inside my Heart" it is very good.
She is a christian and she talks about her Marriage and Motherhood. I really enjoyed it.
_____________________________
Nadine
The LORD repay your work, and a full reward be given you by the LORD God of Israel, under whose wings you have come for refuge.” Ruth 2:12
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RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr ... - 3/2/2008 3:26:25 PM
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womanoffire1
Posts: 44
Joined: 4/4/2006
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quote:
I am one of those 40-something single women out there who have never been married. To be honest, there are days that I think that I might be single forever, but those days are outnumbered by the days that I know GOD has control over everything including my love life. I choose singlehood with GOD over settling for something less than what HE wants for me. I believe there is "the one" that GOD created me for, just as he created Eve for Adam. He put the dream of marriage in my heart for a reason. I have to have enough faith and patience in HIM to see it through, which ironically are 2 of the main traits I need to be a good wife.
Simply Stated, this was a blessing to read. Sister, I am with you all the way.
To all, by the way, being alone is not the worst thing that can happen to a person.
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RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr ... - 3/2/2008 3:59:42 PM
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gaylel1
Posts: 1433
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Southern California, the land of Fruit and nuts...
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It is no such thing as Mr. Right as it is no such thing as a perfect person because we all have flaws and charatristics.
Carry on.....
_____________________________
Come visit me at http://www.myspace.com/Gaylel121
or http://www.gayleplace.blogspot.com....
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RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr ... - 3/2/2008 4:35:57 PM
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womanoffire1
Posts: 44
Joined: 4/4/2006
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quote:
It is no such thing as Mr. Right as it is no such thing as a perfect person because we all have flaws and charatristics.
Carry on.....
Flaws and characteristics that make us the "Right" match for another flawed and imperfect individual. But, through God, being made perfect and one. In essence, Mr. Right lives.
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RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr ... - 3/2/2008 4:51:21 PM
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gaylel1
Posts: 1433
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Southern California, the land of Fruit and nuts...
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quote:
ORIGINAL: womanoffire1
quote:
It is no such thing as Mr. Right as it is no such thing as a perfect person because we all have flaws and charatristics.
Carry on.....
Flaws and characteristics that make us the "Right" match for another flawed and imperfect individual. But, through God, being made perfect and one. In essence, Mr. Right lives.
True, but you would not be matched with a non-believer even the non-believer have the same flaws and charatristics?
_____________________________
Come visit me at http://www.myspace.com/Gaylel121
or http://www.gayleplace.blogspot.com....
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RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr ... - 3/3/2008 11:02:48 AM
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hotsaucygma
Posts: 2419
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I went back a read the article again, I think because of Joy's comment about which things the reader seemed to "pick up on" influencing their view of the article.
Some of the things that stood out to me were- ... what 40 year old single women are most longing for in life is not a better career, a smaller waistline or a bigger apartment...; despite growing up in an age that siad to delay marriage for "higer" ideals of education, careers etc, what women really want is a "traditional family", a husband and by extension a child.
When she says to "settle" (a poor choice of words, imo), she is saying "don't worry about passion or intense connection. Don't nix a guy based on his annoying habit..." , which I take to mean "Don't hold out for the Fairy-Tale Prince, get real here". And that her observation is that this kind of "settling" will probably make you "happier" in the long run. She says when "women" are "holding out for deep romantic love, we have the fantasy that this level of passionate intensity (fairy tale) will make us happier. But marrying Mr. Good Enough might be an equally viable option, especially if you're looking for a stable, reliable life companion.", and that "once you take the plunge, you'll probably be relatively content". I think she may be right.
I will grant you that the tone of the article is a bit "cold", but it's kind of funny that basically what she is saying is "we were lied to, we do want what our Mother's had- the traditional family"; and she is saying it isn't all about being totally independent with a great job and all that, and she is getting "blasted" here. She even makes some comments about feminism that are not favoriable comments. Interesting.
_____________________________
Dear Lord, let my words today be as sweet and delicious as cheesecake... for tomorrow I may have to eat them!
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RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr ... - 3/3/2008 11:16:03 AM
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John_O
Posts: 6882
Joined: 9/5/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: hotsaucygma
I will grant you that the tone of the article is a bit "cold", but it's kind of funny that basically what she is saying is "we were lied to, we do want what our Mother's had- the traditional family"; and she is saying it isn't all about being totally independent with a great job and all that, and she is getting "blasted" here. She even makes some comments about feminism that are not favoriable comments. Interesting.
I thknk perhaps the 'cold' (maybe even mercenary) tone of the article completely drowned out the rest of it. At least for me.
You all know that I am a big traditional family backer. So on that I agree. She was lied to.
So if I was seen to 'blast' her, it really was more for her attitude than for her conclusion.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr ... - 3/3/2008 4:19:04 PM
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rgod
Posts: 316
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I pretty much agree with this article. I didn't get that she was so much saying "settle for someone that you don't love" or "compromise on the essentials" but rather to really look at what is essential to you and what isn't. In other words, stop looking for the knight in shining armor (he isn't coming and doesn't exist), or for some sort of "feeling" but instead go with the person who is probably a wonderful man, but might not have all of his hair, might not have a certain type of job, or might "yell bravo at the movie theatre." It eschews hollywood-style romance. I think you can have romance, but maybe it isn't of paramount importance if the rest of the package is there. (I'm not sure how much romance was really in the bible. Most of the marriages were arranged weren't they? If I'm wrong let me know.) Think about the shoe being on the other foot. After all, how many women at 40 look the way they did at 20 or 25? We ask for men to make adjustments in their expectations, why can't we do the same and cut the men some slack?
I was reading an interesting book the other day, about women's midlife crises at age 30 - and about how many women today have decided to downshift earlier to accomodate children and family in their lives. I don't think that any of these women were necessarily Christian, but I do believe that many of the messages are consistent with biblical teaching. The book also talked a lot about cohabitation and how it doesn't work (surprise surprise surprise).
Both the book I read and this article are both secular - but you know what - the truth is the truth and applies to everyone - saved or not. I'm glad to finally see books/articles that tell the truth about marriage, that men are needed and vital, and that relationships and children ARE important - and should not be an afterthought in a person's life.
< Message edited by rgod -- 3/3/2008 4:48:16 PM >
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RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr ... - 3/3/2008 4:32:10 PM
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ladioffaith
Posts: 2821
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: NE Ohio (L.A. . . Lower Akron)
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There is a "Will" in my life. He thinks I should SETTLE.
I frequently remind him that I am not a BEGGAR.
These lyrics from a Dolly Parton song say it all:
quote:
I refuse to settle for something less than great.
And if it takes a lifetime, then that's how long I'll wait.
'Cause all I want is everything, is that too much to ask?
Have romance, love and passion; find magic that will last.
And I want someone to think they'll die if they can't be with me.
I want to be their joy, their pride, their dreams,
The very air they breathe.
I want to wake up feelin' loved and go to bed the same.
Yes, I want to be somebody's everything.
_____________________________
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with
his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zeph. 3:17
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
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RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr ... - 3/3/2008 4:54:06 PM
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John_O
Posts: 6882
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quote:
ORIGINAL: rgod
The book also talked a lot about cohabitation and how it doesn't work (surprise surprise surprise).
Great post rgod.
The above quote is wrong though. Cohabitation works great for the guy (assuming he's non-Christian becuase a Christian wouldn't cohabitate anyway). He gets all the advantages of marriage with none of the hassels. When she gets too old he can trade her in on a younger model. If he wants to just up and leave there's no paperwork problems.
Where cohabitation doesn't work is for the woman. She gets stuck with all the costs and NO long term security at all.
Down here in the country there's a rather crass but incredibly accurate way to describe the entire cohabitation/premarital sex issue. "Why buy the cow if you get the milk for free". Every girl should be forced to memorize that statement. Because if the guy just wants sex without marrying you first he is looking at you as no more than a cow. Maybe then the girls will get smart about this whole thing.
Sorry for the rant cohabitation is a pet peeve of mine. (I've got lots of pet peeves with a rant for each one!)
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr ... - 3/3/2008 5:26:56 PM
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rgod
Posts: 316
Joined: 4/25/2005
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John_O - thanks - that is true. Cohabitation does work out well for the guy and not for the woman. Although every once in a while, I do hear of a guy who wants to be married and the woman doesn't. I know someone who is in this boat - she is a Christian, but living in sin in this area. The guy she is living with is a really nice guy - a very good father to her child and his own child, very thoughtful and caring - just an all-around good guy (but unsaved). He is not very ambitious. She doesn't like this about him. But she won't let him go for financial reasons. He stays because he cares about her even though she's rebuffed his offers for marriage several times. It is a bad situation and I really feel badly for the guy (because he is being used and also because he has an inacurate picture of what Christians are like). Even if they did get married, there would be the situation of the uneven yoke. At one time I was close enough to her that I could talk with her about this but not anymore. We haven't spoken in a while ... I do hope that they were able to resolve this.
Cohabitation (or the "Starter Marriage") doesn't work at all. Someone always winds up getting hurt and used.
rgod
< Message edited by rgod -- 3/3/2008 10:12:19 PM >
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RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr ... - 3/3/2008 5:27:26 PM
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ladioffaith
Posts: 2821
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: NE Ohio (L.A. . . Lower Akron)
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A cousin of mine used to go on and on about how he firmly believes a couple should live together before marrying so they can see if they can stand living with one another.
Two years later when they divorced, I bit my lip and resisted the urge to say I told them so.
_____________________________
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with
his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zeph. 3:17
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
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RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr ... - 3/3/2008 7:37:19 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 692
Joined: 12/11/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: hotsaucygma
When she says to "settle" (a poor choice of words, imo), she is saying "don't worry about passion or intense connection. Don't nix a guy based on his annoying habit..." , which I take to mean "Don't hold out for the Fairy-Tale Prince, get real here". And that her observation is that this kind of "settling" will probably make you "happier" in the long run. She says when "women" are "holding out for deep romantic love, we have the fantasy that this level of passionate intensity (fairy tale) will make us happier. But marrying Mr. Good Enough might be an equally viable option, especially if you're looking for a stable, reliable life companion.", and that "once you take the plunge, you'll probably be relatively content". I think she may be right..
I believe that part of a good marriage partnership is physical intimacy. I honestly don't know how you'll achieve that or even enjoy the physical pleasure of marriage when you are married to someone you are not attracted to. Granted that he's a respectable, honorable Christian man. I might admire him or esteem him more than anyone for his character, but unless I want to get close to him physically (yes, I mean sex), I don't know how we can have a satisfying marriage. To go into a marriage that is designed to satisfy only one aspect of what God intended marriage to be is definitely my idea of settling. Unless the man makes my heart does a summersault as soon as he enters a room, I probably will remain single.
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RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr ... - 3/3/2008 7:46:38 PM
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skreyola
Posts: 1347
Joined: 1/28/2008
From: Mars
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quote:
ORIGINAL: WalkingwithHim2
I'm looking for Mr. Right for Me, one who will encourage and nurture me to become the best me possible and let me do the same for him and I will NOT settle for less.
Good for you!
_____________________________
-- Skreyola
http://skreyola.livejournal.com/
Linux is a multiuser, modular, peer-reviewed, free operating system. Because of this, it tends to be stable, secure, and reliable.
I run Debian (http://www.debian.org/), and you can, too.
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RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr ... - 3/3/2008 9:02:06 PM
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John_O
Posts: 6882
Joined: 9/5/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ladioffaith
A cousin of mine used to go on and on about how he firmly believes a couple should live together before marrying so they can see if they can stand living with one another.
Two years later when they divorced, I bit my lip and resisted the urge to say I told them so.
Can't remember the exact stat but couples who cohabitate have a significantly higher rate of divorce if they should marry, than couples who do not cohabitate.
In fact, the less sexual experience a couple has, normally the more stable the marriage
(edited for typos)
< Message edited by John_O -- 3/4/2008 10:32:05 AM >
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr ... - 3/4/2008 9:45:49 AM
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hotsaucygma
Posts: 2419
Joined: 4/12/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
I believe that part of a good marriage partnership is physical intimacy. I honestly don't know how you'll achieve that or even enjoy the physical pleasure of marriage when you are married to someone you are not attracted to.
I absolutely agree. I don't think she or anyone here means that you don't need that attraction in a relationship! However I know there has been more than one man in my past that I have been "attracted" to, or that I could be attracted to, that I did not pursue a relationship with for various reasons. I don't think she means 'just pick a man, any man' but is saying don't rule out men (or women for the guys) as easily as you may be inclined to- make "deal breakers" major things, not minor ones.
quote:
Can't remember the exact stat but couples who cohabitate have significantly higher rate of divorce if they should marry, than couples who do not cohabitate.
I have heard/read this too. It is one of those things that always surprises me though- I guess it's one of those examples that God's way is not man's way! You would "think" that living together would give you the chance to see if you can deal with all the "quirks" that you don't know about until you actually live with someone, but I think one view is that the reason it doesn't work is that people still feel if the other person can leave the relationship easily, because they are not legally bound, they stay on their "better behavior" but once they are "committed" they don't. I'm sure there are other theories too, but that is one I've heard. I have never believed in cohabitating, to me if you do you are just saying you are not ready to make a committment, and if you aren't ready to committ to each other, why would you want to live together?!
_____________________________
Dear Lord, let my words today be as sweet and delicious as cheesecake... for tomorrow I may have to eat them!
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