Christians and Grieving (Full Version)

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Carleejoan -> Christians and Grieving (2/29/2008 4:37:49 PM)

I know we don't grieve as if we have no hope but I sure do feel at a loss right now. At the same time so many Christians say not to take antidepressants but some doctors say you need them for low serotonin. I'm grieving the loss of my husband. It's still fresh just over a months since he's gone to heaven. I have a hard time sleeping through the night and feel quite fragile. Has anyone who has gone through this found a book or something that has helped wonderfully?



doinkdom -> RE: Christians and Grieving (2/29/2008 4:48:31 PM)

There's nothing wrong with taking medication to temporarily help you out.

And the time frame for temporary will be different for everyone.

My grandmother didn't take anything.
My mom did for about 3 months.
My best friend is still taking something from 1 year ago.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I do think it's a testament to God and probably to your husband that you are reaching out and inviting the body of Christ to minister to you.



KayleyKenzie -> RE: Christians and Grieving (2/29/2008 5:02:43 PM)

I am so sorry you lost your husband. I am new to this board and want to give you a big hug. There is a book I read called "The Message" that really helped me deal with death and passing on. Hope that helps you some.



LCannon -> RE: Christians and Grieving (2/29/2008 6:19:27 PM)

I can't enter one's grief for loss is always personal. 'A grief suffered will ever be with us only the sharpness of the pain can be dulled by the passage of time.'(CS Lewis)

It would be easy to say, “I know your pain,” but that’s too easily said; talk is cheap. Instead of sweet platitudes I offer this excerpt from the 17th priest, scholar and mystic, F. Fenlon:

PRAYER—THE SECRET OF POWER-Tell God all that is in your heart, as one unloads one’s heart, its pleasures and its pains, to a dear friend. Tell Him your troubles, that He may comfort you; tell Him your joys, that He may sober them; tell Him your longings, that He may purify them; tell him your dislikes, that he may help you to conquer them; talk to Him of your temptations, that He may shield you from them; show Him the wounds of your heart, that He may heal them; lay bare your indifference to good, your depraved taste for evil, your instability. Tell Him self-love makes you unjust to others, how vanity temps you to be insincere, how pride disguises you to yourself as to others.

If you thus pour out all of your weaknesses, needs and troubles there will be no lack of what you say. You will never exhaust the subject. It is continually being renewed. People who have no secrets from each other never want for subjects of conversation. They do not weigh their words; for there is nothing to be held back; neither do they seek for something to say. They talk out of the abundance of the heart, without consideration, just what they think. Blessed are they who attain to such familiar and unreserved intercourse with God.

Courage...



Liveloved -> RE: Christians and Grieving (2/29/2008 7:32:16 PM)

Dear One,
I, too, want to hug you. I 'm glad you came here.
Be honest. Grieving is good. God says we grieve differently but we do grieve.
So be honest about your pain.
I haven't lost a spouse but I have lost both parents at young ages. And I've lost dear friends. So I know that aloneness that you are feeling.
Come here when you're feeling lost.
Tell us your need and we will reach back to you.
We wish we could make it all better. We can't. But we'll sit with you and listen and love as we are able.
And I'll remind you that no one loves you like Jesus. He's your friend who sticks closer than a brother and He's grieving right along side you, friend! His love to you, LL



Ignited-Faith -> RE: Christians and Grieving (3/1/2008 1:18:34 AM)

Carleejoan,
I would also love to give you a very gentle hug. (((Carleejoan)))
I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your Husband.
I can't even imagine what you are going through, yet I can listen if you feel like talking. I have found help during hard times of life through the Scriptures. (Like the one you picked here.)

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, niether angels nor demons, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37-39

There is also a book called: Streams in the Desert 366 Daily Devotional Readings by L.B. Cowman (It has many times brought much needed comfort from God, and I have learned great truths.)
God bless you!



timf -> RE: Christians and Grieving (3/1/2008 10:57:40 AM)

I'm grieving the loss of my husband.

There are some parallels between recovery from a physical injury and an emotional one. The point of injury (loss) is the most severe. As healing progresses there will be periods where things seem to be getting better and then times where "it all comes back". It is often during the periods where the wounds seem like they are still fresh and will not heal that thinks can look pretty bleak.

It can be beneficial at these times to intentionally recall special memories of good times. In a way this is like taking the pain from loss and changing it into the comfort of a memorial. Remembering the Lord during these times can also be helpful. Being thankful that the Lord brought you such happiness can also help build healing memories.

There will be pain triggered by the smell of an old shirt, a tool he used to use, or a chair he had sat in that will cause memories to surface. These memories can be turned into sources of comfort and savored over the years or be turned into bitter reminders of what has been lost.

The process of healing may involve echos of pain and loss, but it can also be a time for gratitude for love known and life lived.



Memaw. -> RE: Christians and Grieving (3/1/2008 11:03:51 AM)

(((CarleeJoan)))



Ignited-Faith -> RE: Christians and Grieving (3/1/2008 11:09:33 AM)

Here is the link to the Daily Devotional of the Book I was telling you about~ Streams in the Desert.
You can daily read the devotional right here on the computer!
(Or buy the book like I did!)

http://www.crosswalk.com/devotionals/desert/



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Christians and Grieving (3/1/2008 11:27:20 AM)

{{{CarleeJoan}}}

I, too, have experienced the loss of a spouse through death.

My heart is sad for your grief.

A very dear friend of mine gave me a book a few months after CS's death.

A Grace Disguised -How the Soul Grows Through Loss, by Jerry Sittser

HERE's a link.


Additionally, sometimes, I kept absolutely every light in the house on - for days (and nights) at a time. It's hard to explain why, but it really did help.

Many nights I would go to bed clutching my Bible, crying myself to sleep; and in the mornings, I would wake up still holding it. It calmed and comforted me and allowed me to fall asleep.

Even during the daytime, when the grief was so present and all I could do was to cry, I would often just hold my Bible to my chest and rock myself while I cried.



I'm getting ready to go for a walk right now . . . I will lift you up in prayer as I'm walking around and ask Our Lord to cover you with HIS Comfort.


Blessings,
Sharon-Marie



Focusing -> RE: Christians and Grieving (3/1/2008 11:29:30 AM)

((((Carleejoan))))

There is nothing wrong with taking antidepressants for a time like this. What you are going through is referred to as *situational depression*. It's completely normal for you to be having a difficult time.

When my mom passed away, I was still able to get through my days, getting things done if they had to get done, but my heart felt completely empty. I was unable to experience joy or happiness in any way. My doctor felt that an antidepressant would help, and I can assure you it made a world of difference!

Please don't let what others say deter you from seeking the help you need. Whether you decide to take an antidepressant or not is between you and your doctor. Unless someone has been in your shoes, they cannot possibly understand what you are going through.


I pray that you are able to feel the love of our Father holding you.



doer -> RE: Christians and Grieving (3/1/2008 2:01:58 PM)

quote:

I know we don't grieve as if we have no hope but I sure do feel at a loss right now.


Time
God gave us time.... one day at a time, sometimes many days. time to accept and time heal, and in that time, there is hope.

Lam 3:21 This I recall to my mind, Therefore I have hope.
Lam 3:22 The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail.
Lam 3:23 They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.
Lam 3:32 For if He causes grief, Then He will have compassion According to His abundant lovingkindness.

When I had to accept some harsh new realities after a bad car accident, a book called compassion by henri nowen was a big help.



jenny61 -> RE: Christians and Grieving (3/1/2008 5:40:01 PM)

carleejoan, I am still praying for you .Believe me ,you sound like I have been feeling for almost a year . I also have problems sleeping at night,even with my Dr. giving me meds ,I still walk the floor and cry for my husband . I ask God to take this pain away,but even as I write this my heart is breaking.I know God is with me and I couldn't make it without Him. Sometimes I take my ipod to bed and go to sleep listening to christain music that seems to help a lot . I wish i could give you a big hug and let you know how much we love you and God loves you.Take care and if you need to talk any time just email me . Remember we do care about you.God Bless you



Ldychef2k -> RE: Christians and Grieving (3/1/2008 10:27:06 PM)

If you feel the need for antidepressants, please consider them. But also consider not taking them. In some people, they do help the symptoms, but ultimately the best thing that can happen is to live through the grief, follow the steps naturally, even though it hurts and is confusing and you have no idea what is even happening to you from one moment to another. It is a painful process, but God put it in place for a reason, as hard as that is to live through.

Do you have a local Hospice? They have grief counseling groups, and there is a strong Christian atmosphere, at least here where I live.



gaylel1 -> RE: Christians and Grieving (3/2/2008 5:19:08 PM)

I'm a widow too, but what helped me was good Christian freinds and encouragement and yes, a good church helps also.


I did not need any anti depressants because God had his purpose and even if he took my husband earlier, which he did, and not understanding why, he was and still is with me through this test because believe it or not, the enemy want to make you feel vunable during this time.

If I were you, I would put on praise music and be immersed in God's word and let him speak to you.




Carleejoan -> RE: Christians and Grieving (3/7/2008 6:59:01 PM)

Yes I'm realizing I feed off the positive energy of my upbeat Christian sisters and brothers. I think I'm going to start making sure I go to more things happening at church. These last years had been caught up caring for my husband back and forth to doctors and hospitals and I know I'm drained. My desire is to just be strong in my walk with the Lord and confident in myself because of Him. I know it will take time to reframe my life without my husband but I know God has blessed me with resilient spirit. I can be confident because of what Christ has done for me in times past.



Closie -> RE: Christians and Grieving (3/7/2008 9:26:41 PM)

Carlee - Take all the time you need. There's no maximum amount of time at which you no longer wish for the day to day interaction with your husband. God joined you together to be of support for each other. He did that because He knew what you would mean to each other. Since that has changed, God certainly understands your sorrow. Please don't feel guilty about your grief. Be strong in the Lord. It sounds like your husband was sick for a little while. You prayed to God for His healing power to come to your husband. And our wonderful Lord did just that - what a healing he gave your husband. God also understands your joy in knowing that your husband is right now sitting with the Lord. What more do you want for him? Our God can comprehend the mixture of emotions we can't even label.

Medication is not always the answer but if it's right for you, don't shy away from it. I think that experiencing your feelings can be a good thing.

Check out Max Lucado's In the Arms of the Shepherd.



Carleejoan -> RE: Christians and Grieving (3/8/2008 5:32:42 AM)

I've caught a cold right now. So here I am listening to a mouse in my spare room where the computer is. Yes it's hard to face the fact God wanted to take him home and we're alone. I know time is of the essence and it could be just a blink until I'm in heaven too. In the world we will have tribulation. This has been so hard though. It's hard when it's your husband and your family. We can deal with when it's someone else. I know my husband would say it was better he got the cancer than some of the guys he knew. He could face it with his faith and all. Still it was a tough battle he fought. I'm just rambling here.[:(]



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Christians and Grieving (3/8/2008 8:36:26 AM)

Ramble all you want, Ida. [:)]

I will say some prayers for you today, specifically for Our Lord's Comfort to cover you.



Closie -> RE: Christians and Grieving (3/8/2008 10:10:19 AM)

Rambling is subjective. You have something so hard to work out in your head. God knows that - he knows that and will help you navigate this new world of yours. Like with your husband, your faith is there to get you through it.



jenny61 -> RE: Christians and Grieving (3/8/2008 2:19:38 PM)

Carlee, I think about what you are going through alot but you do have hope in seeing your husband again someday,I can only pray that my husband made it right with God before he died. He believed in God but he didn't confess to be a christain and he died so fast of a heart attack that they wouldn't let me get to him. [He was in the ambulance when he died and they wouldn't let me near him] which was really terrible because I didn't realize he was so bad until they kept working on him in our driveway instead of rushing him on to the hospital. I feel so sorry for you ,but God is there and he will never leave you .It's good to go to church and join in doing things ,it really helps a lot. God,please touch Carlee and help her through these hard days ahead of her ,hold her close to You and let her know she is never alone. Amen



2shaye -> RE: Christians and Grieving (3/9/2008 11:21:38 AM)

Carlee, honestly, I have not been where you are walking. But I will pray for you and intercede on your behalf.



TMeeks -> RE: Christians and Grieving (3/10/2008 9:06:29 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Carleejoan

I know we don't grieve as if we have no hope but I sure do feel at a loss right now. At the same time so many Christians say not to take antidepressants but some doctors say you need them for low serotonin. I'm grieving the loss of my husband. It's still fresh just over a months since he's gone to heaven. I have a hard time sleeping through the night and feel quite fragile. Has anyone who has gone through this found a book or something that has helped wonderfully?

Just last night, as part of some research I'm doing, I came across an explanation for the feelings of loss and pain that you are experiencing.

There is a specific region of the brain that is filled with memories of loved ones with whom we've bonded. These bonding memories are actually physical constructions that are built up over many years of being with and bonding with a person. When that person dies, this area of the brain is, quite literally, broken. We're not lying when we say we have a 'broken heart'.

Moreover, the area being affected is close to the pain area of the brain. So, it's not uncommon for those that lose a close loved one to describe it as physically painful!

But, from your message, I have some good news.

People who had loving relationships with their partner, with lots of good memories actually heal faster than those that did not. That's because remembering good memories actually creates good chemicals that heal this area of the brain as the brain rearranges the bonding molecules. Grieving isn't so much spiritual as it is physical. But, applying God's Word about the wonderful promise of the resurrection IS spiritually healing and good memories of the lost one is a wonderful approach to ensure the physical brain's healing.

You can find this information in "Change Your Brain, Change Your Life" by Daniel Amen. It's a popular secular book, so you can find it in local bookstores.



TMeeks -> RE: Christians and Grieving (3/10/2008 9:27:34 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Carleejoan

Yes I'm realizing I feed off the positive energy of my upbeat Christian sisters and brothers. I think I'm going to start making sure I go to more things happening at church. These last years had been caught up caring for my husband back and forth to doctors and hospitals and I know I'm drained. My desire is to just be strong in my walk with the Lord and confident in myself because of Him. I know it will take time to reframe my life without my husband but I know God has blessed me with resilient spirit. I can be confident because of what Christ has done for me in times past.

You have stated this in a very insightful way. You do face a 'reframing' time that is bound to be confusing and painful.

Our brains are marvelously constructed. God gave us a special area in the brain called the deep limbic system that, among other things, is the bonding area of our emotions. It is going through a 'reframing' process as you write your messages and talk with your friends. This area is generally bigger in women than it is in men, so their bonding connections can be stronger and bigger.

You had many years to build strong bonds with your husband... touch by touch, intimacy by intimacy, conversation by conversation. So, reframing these strong bonding memories into fond memories of the past, without the bonding itself, is bound to take some time. Because this area is also the 'mood' area of the brain, medication may be helpful, if needed on a short term basis.

Reading this particula book was very enlightening for me to understand why my mother has found it SO helpful to discuss her memories of my father since his passing. No one is more confident of the resurrection of believers than my mother. But, her bond with my father was as strong as her faith. And, it took her a while of 'reframing' time. So, please understand that it's both normal and the way that God made you. [:)]



TMeeks -> RE: Christians and Grieving (3/10/2008 9:30:32 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focusing

((((Carleejoan))))

There is nothing wrong with taking antidepressants for a time like this. What you are going through is referred to as *situational depression*. It's completely normal for you to be having a difficult time.

When my mom passed away, I was still able to get through my days, getting things done if they had to get done, but my heart felt completely empty. I was unable to experience joy or happiness in any way. My doctor felt that an antidepressant would help, and I can assure you it made a world of difference!

Please don't let what others say deter you from seeking the help you need. Whether you decide to take an antidepressant or not is between you and your doctor. Unless someone has been in your shoes, they cannot possibly understand what you are going through.


I pray that you are able to feel the love of our Father holding you.


Great advice! [:)]



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