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Assess and Deploy (for cherishhim) - 3/2/2008 9:30:53 AM
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mutinywxgirl
Posts: 7595
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: west coast of FL
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Okay, so here it is my first thread. It’s kind of overwhelming and kind of scary, but, I have been thinking about this for awhile, so hopefully it will make sense.
We will all (mostly) agree that there are certain things that as Christians, we value in a relationship, the nonnegotiables, the no brainers, the gimmes. This thread is not about those things. In this threadt those things will be assumed.
I know the title of this thread sounds like a military term of some kind. I don’t know where it originated but, when my DDH was a bank manager he was required to do an Assess and Deploy every week. This entailed evaluating what they were doing. If it works, you continue doing it. If it does not, you try something else and find something that does work.
I think sometimes we take what we believe about relationships, our desires, our perceptions, our lists and we wrap them up in a nice little box and we say this is what I want or this is what I believe God wants for me. We defend it with our lives. If you dare marry someone that does not meet every particular, well, then “they” say that you settled. Or if time passes and we still find ourselves single, we look around for a reason why, but, do we look at “The box”? It’s beautiful sitting there holding all of our high ideals. But, what if you have changed? What if your situation (divorce, loss of spouse)has changed since you wrapped up your box so carefully?
I think we need to empty out that box, Tap on the bottom, to make sure that some of our old stale ideas are shaken free and assess every particular carefully to see if it still applies.
Example: When I dated before I met DDH, One thing that was important to me was finding out what a potential wanted to do with his life. What were his goals? Was he working towards them? Did he sound excited when he talked about them? This was a biggie for me. I always tried to work this question in during the first or second date. This, however, no longer applies to my life. More like what has he done with his life and is he planning for retirement? LOL
We change over time so doesn’t it make sense that our idea of the perfect relationship for us might change too. Changing our minds, is not settling. Bald men were never attractive to me. The other day I saw a bald man and found him very attractive. Things change.
There have been a lot of threads lately that bring up some really good points and things to ponder, The purpose of this thread, is to (in light of what you have learned about yourself in the other threads) reevaluate your idea of a perfect relationship for you in the here and now. And Deploy.
The deploy, is the action part of what you decide. That is, what you decide to do, based on what you assessed and changed.
Example: Assess: There are no men/women in your church that could be thought of as a potential, the reason that you started going to the church no longer applies and you are not committed to any ministry that will hold you there. Deploy: Go to another church, bigger with lots of potentials, lots of activities for singles. Drive an hour to get there if necessary.
Father, I pray that this thread will help us to prayerfully assess our idea of the perfect relationship for us. Please help us to accept that our situations may have changed and respond accordingly. Please give us creative ideas to help as apply the changes. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
Now go forth and Assess and Deploy!
~ Nadine
(edited for formatting purposes)
< Message edited by mutinywxgirl -- 3/2/2008 9:44:52 AM >
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RE: Assess and Deploy (for cherishhim) - 3/2/2008 1:22:30 PM
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broyce1981
Posts: 1160
Joined: 8/8/2006
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Hmmm.....I want to play but I'm confused what to do. I'll just wait for a few others to post and hopefully I'll get the hang of it.
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RE: Assess and Deploy (for cherishhim) - 3/2/2008 2:40:05 PM
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ShallbeRebuilt
Posts: 1596
Joined: 11/8/2007
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Nadine;
Great points. I'm going to pray about it a day or so: I think I've got some things to say to your OP, but have to dig up some memories and put them and my thoughts together coherently.
besiderself
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RE: Assess and Deploy (for cherishhim) - 3/3/2008 5:52:02 PM
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CoeurdeLeon_
Posts: 6415
Joined: 9/4/2005
From: Inside my head
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One of the big things that I needed to assess when I first thought that maybe, just maybe, I might be interested in marrying again was the divorce question. At first, I thought that the only way I would marry a divorced man was if his situation was like mine and his wife had given him a biblical reason. Other than that, no way. It was on these forums and in Singles in particular that I began to see that I had a pride issue and was wrong. There were some people that I respected very highly here because of their biblical knowledge and their good, solid common sense. So, I actually started a poll and asked whether folks here would marry someone who was divorced at all and, if so, only if it were for biblical grounds or if it were for another reason as long as that person was walking with God NOW.
I came to see that holding out for "my equal" on this issue was a pride thing on my part. Understand, I am only talking about myself here. What other people see as right for them, IS right for them. But I saw that to disregard or discount someone for something that I couldn't possibly know all the details of and dismiss the fact that they were a truly Godly man now would be extremely foolish and arrogant on my part.
_____________________________
This morning I was awakened by the sound of purple
colliding with the fragrance of laughter.
Eutychus
New Blog
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RE: Assess and Deploy (for cherishhim) - 3/3/2008 9:45:11 PM
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ShallbeRebuilt
Posts: 1596
Joined: 11/8/2007
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CDL;
Those are great points. I know I had to wrestle with so many of those types of questions when I first realized I was single again.
Let's see.
The divorce question, as you mentioned. Would I?
The question of marrying again AT ALL...does God want me to?
The question of children: did I want/could I have more (I was widowed at 37, so it was iffy then--now it's a definite NOT.)
The question of what-to-do-while-waiting.
The question of how to respond to men in general: it's a whole different thing when you've been married for so long and all the sudden you have to think about how others might see your platonic hugs differently now.
Oh, I just know there are a dozen others. I just can't remember them all. As you read the following, notice that I have color-coded the text: Assess is in Pink and Deploy is in Purple
But over the years many of these have taken care of themselves. And I have become either more desperate or more mature: I realize that God will, in His time and IF it's His will, bring someone along--and that person will be perfect for me.
Therefore, there's so little I need to do. I need to follow God AS HARD AS I CAN. After all, if HE is preparing this special man for me, then HE will be close to this man, too...and the closer I am to God, the closer I am to the man.
God will not fail to lead me to a future spouse, if that is in His plan to do so.
In the meantime, I do feel the need to have some hand in the matter, so there are some things I have done already.
Joined eHarmony and a couple other dating sites.
Let people around me know that I am truly interested in remarrying so that they can be praying and on the lookout for eligible bachelors.
PRAY. I pray every day for that (and many other things!). On occasion I fast. I have prepared a prayer journal in which I record prayers for my future spouse. (And no, they will not intimidate him when he reads them. They aren't that sort of prayer.)
And when I feel discouraged (and believe me, I have felt some very serious discouragement in this area!!!!) I try to remember that remarriage or not, this time on earth will not seem long in Heaven, and I will be completely satisfied there, however hard that is to comprehend.
I fail often, and then I ask God's help to re-center. To realize that He has things for me to do and be in the meantime and that they are fulfilling and exciting--and that time is short and I need to redeem it. There ARE more important things that being married, even though it is hard for me to believe!
Is this the sort of thing you are talking about?
besiderself
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RE: Assess and Deploy (for cherishhim) - 3/3/2008 11:18:32 PM
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Mrs.Benelchi
Posts: 2909
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Exactly!
_____________________________
When life gets too hard to stand.....kneel.
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RE: Assess and Deploy (for cherishhim) - 3/4/2008 8:47:29 AM
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CoeurdeLeon_
Posts: 6415
Joined: 9/4/2005
From: Inside my head
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Here's another more recent one.
When I was first divorced the GirlChild was 11 and the ManCub was 8. And when I first thought that I might want to remarry they were still young and would be at home for years and one of the many reasons I wanted to be married was to show them what a real, godly marriage looks like and how it works.
Well, now the GirlChild is 15, she'll only be home full-time for 3 or 4 more years. The dynamics of remarrying and possibly blending families are going to be more a source of stress for at least a year or two till everyone adjusts and our new situation coalesces.
Do I want to do that at this point in all of our lives? I honestly don't know.
I've said before that I don't pray specifically for a husband (let alone what specifics I want him to have) and this is part of the reason. At this particular point in time, I really don't know what would be BEST for my kids. And I need to put their best ahead of anything I might want.
So, in assessing my honest desire to be married, I've had to reevaluate and have determined that I'm ambivalent. I do want to remarry but I may have to wait for that until my kids are raised. I don't like that conclusion and I am very willing for God to do something other than that but, at the same time, I've had to think about it and change my mind about some things.
_____________________________
This morning I was awakened by the sound of purple
colliding with the fragrance of laughter.
Eutychus
New Blog
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RE: Assess and Deploy (for cherishhim) - 3/4/2008 9:09:44 AM
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Tinkerbell_
Posts: 8034
Joined: 1/25/2008
From: NeverNeverLand
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I can relate to that CdL. When I divorced, the boys were 8 and 4. My ex husband was the example of what not to be in a man and I wanted them to learn the Godly way.
Soon after, the thought of remarrying sent me into convulsions because as young as I was when I had Thing 1, I won't even be 40 when BOTH my kids graduate high school. So that leaves me a LOT of time on my own. Why would I want to get married when my life is basically JUST beginning?
Now I feel like God, not me, is steering me in the direction of marriage. The things I do, and the people I am walking with are gently guiding me to be a good wife and a better mother. So we'll see...
_____________________________
When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Will you be strong enough to be my man?
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RE: Assess and Deploy (for cherishhim) - 3/4/2009 8:50:48 PM
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Elena1030
Posts: 2104
Joined: 6/21/2006
From: Music City, USA
Status: offline
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First of all, props to CDL for the wisdom and life lessons she's shared in this thread. 
OK... this thread sounds like fun AND educational! Whee!! 
I'm gonna borrow Nadine's example and tweak it. (Her text in bold. Mine in regular)
Assess: There are no men/women in your church that could be thought of as a potential. Currently, at this moment, that's what I've concluded about my church.
The reason that you started going to the church no longer applies. Hmm... well, finding a husband was only part of it. Growing some deep roots in a church was a big part, and that reason still applies.
You are not committed to any ministry that will hold you there. Well, dag. I am committed... (maybe I should BE committed!  ) to several ministries, actually.
Deploy: Go to another church, bigger with lots of potentials, lots of activities for singles. Drive an hour to get there if necessary.
I think this applies to me -- but not for a change in membership... just to expand the circles of people I know. Keep meeting new people. Invest in more folks' lives. And invite them to invest in mine. Driving an hour is probably unnecessary since we have scores of churches in this area, but the willingness principle still applies.
Someone else's turn! I'd love to hear what you'd like to share! 
_____________________________
Prayer thread for singles who desire to marry someday
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RE: Assess and Deploy (for cherishhim) - 3/5/2009 1:46:03 PM
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John_O
Posts: 7808
Joined: 9/5/2006
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I do re-examine the list from time to time. I've not found anything in the must-haves or must-not-haves that has changed. Honestly don't expect them to ever change (except one particular must-have). The "prefer" items have always been negotiable.
I'll admit that the older I get the less likely I'll find someone who meets the entire list, but God is God and He can do anything. So I'll either be married or be praying even more that Jesus comes back quickly.
As far as assey-deploy? I also fit into the "no one at my church" camp but I do not see changing churches just to find someone as a good move for me. I've always done my best to be where God wants me to be until He moves me elsewhere. Of course praying for a move is fair game!
I have assessed my lifestyle and know I need to make some changes.
I tend to stay home far too often. I do not take advantage of the Girl's grandparents by letting her (encouraging her to?) stay over night there enough. I can't get out and socialize because the Girl is at home. Can't meet people if I'm at home. KWIM?
I know that I need to get more involved in the wider community. All my social interaction is at church and I attend a small church (between 50 and 150 per service). I've got to get involved in the world a little (Little theater, local civic organizations etc) and expand my circle of acquaintences.
Believe it or not I tend to be quite shy in person (as far as potentials go. The better she looks the shier I get) so I need to talk more in real life in casual circumstances (grocery stores, walmart that sort of thing) regardless of whom I'm talking to.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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