Advice from those who got married when they were "older" (30's and beyond) (Full Version)

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rgod -> Advice from those who got married when they were "older" (30's and beyond) (3/3/2008 5:15:47 PM)

Hello everyone!

To those of you who got married later in life (30's, and beyond) - what were the biggest misconceptions that you had about married life when you were a single? What has been your biggest adjustment? Also, how did you meet your husband/wife? Where there changes that you had to make in your life (your routine, mindset, etc.) prior to you getting married? Did you date a lot before you got married? Did you give up hope that you'd ever be married? Where you satisfied being single before you were married?

I'd prefer to hear from people who got married later rather than earlier. No offense, but most people who got married early (late teens/early 20s) usually did not have the full "single experience" (like watching all of your friends get married, being really really glad that you don't have to consult with anyone to get that great red dress that is on sale, buying that first house on your own, trying to convince your boss that "yes, you really do have something important to do" so you can't go on every out-of-town business trip just because you aren't married, figuring out that you can't live on lean cuisine and top ramen forever so you've learned to cook ...) So, I'd really love to hear from people who were single for a while, then got married.

Thanks a lot!

rgod



reach -> RE: Advice from those who got married when they were "older" (30's and beyond) (3/3/2008 5:58:10 PM)

I have only been married 10 months. I am 36 (I think LOL!) Anyway, I found the hardest thing was both of us were used to running our own homes and figuring out where we fit in in a new home. We also moved into my husbands house, so I really have a hard time feeling like it is our house. I feel like it is his house.

The other big thing is just plain figuring each other out. We both do things so differently. I got to church 3 times a week, but he grew up going Sunday mornings. I like to pay bills in a certain way, and he likes to do it another. We talked about a lot of things before we got married, and we are still working some of the things out.

I have gotten into the habit of critizing him because he does not do things like I do. So I am trying to stop that, because he just does not think like I do.



deermousie -> RE: Advice from those who got married when they were "older" (30's and beyond) (3/3/2008 7:43:26 PM)

I got married at 38 - will that work? [:)]

The biggest surprise for me, after working and living for decades in a houseful of gals who shared the household work, was suddenly being responsible for all of it myself (you'd think I'd have figured that out). I really hadn't much of a clue how to run a house smoothly (and cleanly) and floundered all over the place. I've got a fairly good handle on it now, but House Beautiful isn't pounding my door down yet. Still got more to learn.

Hubby and I were used to living certain ways, and neither of us realized we were both expecting things to stay the same.

Coming from an abusive home, everything I did was opposite from what my parents did; a poor standard of reference. I finally had to find some Christian women and pick their brains. My husband assumed (a warning bell should go off here - assuming is dangerous) that because his father held down a job and his mother did everything thing else, that all he had to do was work and somehow I'd do the rest. It nearly destroyed us, and we're still picking up the pieces. But God is faithful and has brought great good from it, and I am sure He is glorified that we turned to Him instead of hacking at each other.

I assume (there we go again!) that you're in your 30s and about to marry. Keep talking, think outloud, and God bless you both!



laughinggirl -> RE: Advice from those who got married when they were "older" (30's and beyond) (3/3/2008 7:45:01 PM)

We met on eHarmony and married a year after we met. I got married 2 weeks before my 33rd birthday. The biggest difference in my expectations about marriage? How much BETTER it was than I'd ever imagined. My husband is very laidback and easy to live with, and he tries to be neat in order to save me more work (that's what he told me). Living together and adjusting to marriage was FUN. Our first year was so much fun, not at all the scary hard time people warned me about.

The hardest things about adjusting to marriage? Getting used to basically having two jobs. Work all day in the office, then come home and cook dinner and do laundry, etc. Brian helps out a lot with the cleanup, so I can't complain, but this part was an adjustment for me. Also, since I was used to doing everything by myself, I had to learn to ask him for help. He had to remind me many times that he was ready and willing to help, if only I'd let him. It was a good adjustment, but it was something I had to get used to!



rgod -> RE: Advice from those who got married when they were "older" (30's and beyond) (3/4/2008 12:01:04 AM)

Thanks for the responses! This is really great. To clear up something - I'm not engaged to be married (or anywhere close). I am in my 30s however, would like to be married - feel that it is the Lord's will for me to be married - and just wanted to hear a bit about what others who were in my same situation had to say about the adjustment. Often when I hear about adjustment, I hear about it from younger couples - so there are lots of things mentioned like "I have less free time" or "I have to think about another person." I think that some of those things are simply a part of growing up physically and also in Christ. You go through some of those things married or not. Try being a self-centered single and see how many friends you'll have after a year or two. Or try having copious amounts of free time when you have church commitments, a ministry maybe, a house, and a job (and maybe school on top of it). So, I was curious about what the adjustment was like for couples in their 30s, 40s, and beyond.

Thanks again for responding and I hope to hear more (hope it was ok to post here) --

rgod



stellaluna -> RE: Advice from those who got married when they were "older" (30's and beyond) (3/4/2008 9:42:39 AM)

I'm 37 and I've been married ten months. I thought that suddenly sharing my home after living alone for 20 years would be really hard, but I was surprised at how easily and smoothly we set up house together. My husband did have to get used to the idea that I didn't want him to do everything for me. I can fix a toilet and change my own oil, thank you very much. But I learned that it was okay for him to do things for me and vice versa. [:D]



webbangel -> RE: Advice from those who got married when they were "older" (30's and beyond) (3/4/2008 9:52:41 AM)

I'm 34 and been married 8 months (or will be 8 months the 7th of this month). I met him online got married about a a year and a half later. I learned quickly to do the chores he hates to do, I became a early bird instead of a night owl,and how to better manage money.



Szaftoo -> RE: Advice from those who got married when they were "older" (30's and beyond) (3/4/2008 5:09:14 PM)

I had a job that didn't allow much time for dating and always planned on getting married later. I was 37 and married a man who had lost his wife (they had no children). I sold my house and moved into his. In about six months, he felt we should move into our own house and not one that he shared with his first wife. Because of our ages, we started our family sooner that we would have but it worked well for us. We had the same minor adjustments any married couple have which had nothing to do with our age.

I always enjoyed my single life and now enjoy my married life. I wouldn't change a thing.



Ps103 -> RE: Advice from those who got married when they were "older" (30's and beyond) (3/4/2008 10:11:31 PM)

I was 44 when I got married, and my poor mother didn't live to see it. By the time she died, she was sure that I was so stubborn and set in my ways that I probably *shouldn't* get married.

I wouldn't say that I dated a lot, in the sense that I had lots and lots of boyfriends, but I generally had one, and they generally hung around for a long time but weren't "marriage material." At least not for me.

When God sent Himself into my life I wasn't really prepared for it--it sort of threw me for a loop[:D] But we both knew beyond a doubt that it was God that put us together and that He intended for us to get married.

I guess the biggest misconception that I had was that I would somehow feel oppressed or smothered(note: this was not something I felt about Himself--just a notion I had picked up when I was younger and thought it was really cool to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to do it without a thought for anyone else.)

I have to say that for a long time I was *not* satisfied being single, but that passed and I was happy after a while. And yes, I had given up hopes of getting married--not some mournful loss of hope, though, just a "whoa--looks like I forgot to do that! Guess I should have paid more attention to the passage of time."

We had a great honeymoon, but we cut it a few days short when he said "You want to go home and start living life?" That sounded really good, so we did.

It was like falling off a log.[:D] There has not been one second that I have regretted it. Within a week, I couldn't really remember what it was like not to be married to him--it was that natural and right.

There were things I enjoyed when I was single that are no longer a part of my life, but I do not miss them. In the trade-off I got so much more than I gave up.

So do not worry about being "older" when you get married. You are more mature, more accepting of others, and you have made (and learned from) a lot of mistakes.

I highly recommend it[;)]



stellaluna -> RE: Advice from those who got married when they were "older" (30's and beyond) (3/4/2008 11:52:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ps103
When God sent Himself into my life I wasn't really prepared for it--it sort of threw me for a loop[:D] But we both knew beyond a doubt that it was God that put us together and that He intended for us to get married.

Same here. And I fought it for a good long while, but I finally gave in. [:)]

quote:


There has not been one second that I have regretted it. Within a week, I couldn't really remember what it was like not to be married to him--it was that natural and right.

Yep yep.

I did enjoy being single. In fact, I thoroughly enjoyed being single, but when it was time to get married, there he was. I didn't expect him or ask for him--God just put him there.



elastic -> RE: Advice from those who got married when they were "older" (30's and beyond) (3/5/2008 10:24:25 AM)

well, i don't think i qualify since i got married at 27, but since i'm from the south,being 27 and single practically makes you the little old lady with a cat and a wart on your nose. I was perfectly content being single, in fact, i never wanted to get married. i was set in my ways, i was content. i dated lots of guys, but like Ps103 said, they weren't really marriage material.

i really was in my own little world when my dh just sort showed up in my life. i wasn't looking for him, in fact when i found him, i tried to push him away...but he was a fighter, and he won me over. We met and married in under a year, and it wasn't nearly as scary as everyone told us it would be. all of the "your first year is the hardest" stuff was malarkey. i think it actually helped that we were both older and had been on our own for several years, taking care of ourselves....we didn't just go from living at home to living with each other like many young couples do. i think that is the downfall of many young couples, no experience in managing things for themselves, ie, money, bills, chores, etc....

so, when we got together, life just got a little easier for both of us. we came together pretty seamlessly, and it was a bonus that he was already trained to put the toilet seat down. [:D]



rgod -> RE: Advice from those who got married when they were "older" (30's and beyond) (3/5/2008 12:29:50 PM)

Thanks to everyone who posted so far. This is absolutely terrific. And yes elastic thanks for posting! I said 30's - but really was wanting responses from people who had been on their own for a while and then got married - so your response fits the bill.



Above_All -> RE: Advice from those who got married when they were "older" (30's and beyond) (3/5/2008 8:37:15 PM)

I'm going to be 34 in March. My DF is 41. We are getting married in August. So I like this thread a lot! lol Keep the responses coming.



elastic -> RE: Advice from those who got married when they were "older" (30's and beyond) (3/6/2008 12:24:57 PM)

quote:

We are getting married in August

THE best month to get married in...that's the month we had our wedding.



stellaluna -> RE: Advice from those who got married when they were "older" (30's and beyond) (3/6/2008 12:52:07 PM)

Actually, May is the best month for over-30 brides and bridegrooms. [;)]

[8D]



Ps103 -> RE: Advice from those who got married when they were "older" (30's and beyond) (3/6/2008 2:01:12 PM)

We got married in February. On a Sunday afternoon that turned out to be Super Bowl Sunday.

We didn't think anyone would show up except our families, but the church was packed[:D]



p31woman -> RE: Advice from those who got married when they were "older" (30's and beyond) (3/7/2008 10:37:33 AM)

March is the best month, by far. [sm=nosestuckup.gif] [8D]

I'll have to come back in a couple of months to report any adjustments or misconceptions. [;)] My fiancé (42) and I (35 next week) are getting married in 3 weeks.



laura... -> RE: Advice from those who got married when they were "older" (30's and beyond) (3/7/2008 11:02:57 AM)

I agree that August is the best month for a wedding. &:)

I was 18 years old when I got married the first time. It lasted four years. For 23 years after that, I ran my own household, raised 2 kids and made all the decisions. I would have liked to have gotten married during that time but I was content as a single. I did like not having to consult anybody about buying a pair of shoes or a car. I also thought that if I ever married again we'd have to sleep in separate beds because I was so use to sleeping alone.

Then, at age 45, God surprised me with a new husband.

My biggest struggle was allowing him to move into the home I had made for the previous 10 years for myself and make it his home. The Holy Spirit just helped me keep my mouth shut while my new hubby put up lots of new pictures, moved around furniture and took over closets. It was hard but the best thing I did was keep my mouth shut and let it happen. I would hide in the bathroom sometimes and just shake from the effort. Once the initial household changes happened the stuff that sent me to the bathroom didn't really matter anymore.

Everything else was pretty much as Ps103 said -- like falling off a log. In fact, the adjustment was much easier than my first marriage at 18. At 45, I wasn't struggling to become an adult at the same time as becoming a wife. The "freedoms" I was giving up were nothing compared to the joy of having someone share the decisions and fun of buying shoes and cars. And sleeping alone? -- NO WAY.



elastic -> RE: Advice from those who got married when they were "older" (30's and beyond) (3/7/2008 11:13:53 AM)

quote:

I also thought that if I ever married again we'd have to sleep in separate beds because I was so use to sleeping alone.


i thought that would be the worst part of marriage...i like to toss and turn and take up space. i didn't know how i would manage sticking to just one side of the bed. it was surprisingly easy. now, i can't fall asleep unless he's in the bed with me, and if i have to sleep alone (when he's out of town etc...) i have to take things to help me fall asleep and even then i don't get any rest at all. It's just a comfort having someone in bed beside you. i didn't think at my age i would be abel to adjust, but i did.


and,
quote:

I agree that August is the best month for a wedding. &:)

hahah...it's 2 against, well, the rest of you . August wins, Yay!!!!![:D]



Harvie -> RE: Advice from those who got married when they were "older" (30's and beyond) (3/11/2008 6:44:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: rgod

Hello everyone!

To those of you who got married later in life (30's, and beyond) - what were the biggest misconceptions that you had about married life when you were a single? What has been your biggest adjustment? Also, how did you meet your husband/wife? Where there changes that you had to make in your life (your routine, mindset, etc.) prior to you getting married? Did you date a lot before you got married? Did you give up hope that you'd ever be married? Where you satisfied being single before you were married?



I don't know that I had any misconceptions about married life, actually.

The biggest adjustment, definitely, was learning to share a bathroom with a guy ... and learning to discuss everything and make joint decisions.

We met at church.

I had to learn to consider the preferences, wishes, desires of my husband when making decisions. (When you're single, you get to make decisions based solely on what works for just you!)

I didn't date a lot before getting married. And the courtship with my wonderful DH was just 5 weeks before we got engaged.

I didn't really have a "hope" that I'd be married, actually.... I was content being single.

[sm=funny.gif]



Starbucks880 -> RE: Advice from those who got married when they were "older" (30's and beyond) (3/11/2008 8:00:34 PM)

I got married at 34 and have been married 4 years and counting. I met my husband at the coffee shop. What made me really appreciate my husband is that he met me at the time when I still didn't know English very well. Much of our conversations, I would ask him meaning of words and I always had a dictionary I carried around. So our communication was limited, but still he was patient and went on to date me and still marry me. I think I took it for granted that no man would want me until I could actually speak the language, but God had other ideas.[:D] He also helped me with cooking since I wasn't used to the measurement units America used and had to do a bunch of maths before I could come close to replicating any recipes I knew, not to mention getting used to the ovens. I was lucky to have family and friends from the old country already here, so I wasn't totally without a support system, but my husband was indespensible. He never once complained about practising conversation English with me or anything about my limited vocabulary. He even said it added to my appeal since he found it exotic and mysterious. We knew each other 5 years (dated 4) before we got married. I really never cared whether I got married and had children. I never play acted weddings or anything of the sort as a child. I have always been independent. When I first got here, my main focus was studying and learning English. My main obstacle to marriage was my independence and learning to be a partner to a man. Before I would just make all my decisions, but now I have learned to consider him as well. We also are both on the same page when it comes to children. We aren't trying to get pregnant, but we also aren't trying not to. We have taken in foster children. We are both fine with adopting if biological doesn't happen, so neither of us have the stress of trying to beat the "biological clock" and get fertility treatments.



deermousie -> RE: Advice from those who got married when they were "older" (30's and beyond) (3/12/2008 11:31:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: p31woman

March is the best month, by far. [sm=nosestuckup.gif] [8D]

I'll have to come back in a couple of months to report any adjustments or misconceptions. [;)] My fiancé (42) and I (35 next week) are getting married in 3 weeks.


Happy wedding, p31Woman! May you guys be blessed!

We got married in March, too. As teachers we could have waited for June, but didn't want to sin. [;)]



Above_All -> RE: Advice from those who got married when they were "older" (30's and beyond) (3/14/2008 3:08:27 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: elastic

quote:

We are getting married in August

THE best month to get married in...that's the month we had our wedding.


Especially in Hawaii! [:D]



john_is_free -> RE: Advice from those who got married when they were "older" (30's and beyond) (3/14/2008 3:19:26 PM)

I was 37 she was 27 when we married.

Don't ever tell your wife you do not need them!

I told my wife that I did not need her but wanted her! Wrong! My thinking is I was a capable person. very self sufficient etc so I did not need her for what she could provide me but wanted her for what I could not provide myself such as love companionship, friendship.

How wong I was... I think that has led the current problems we are having.

My study of this recently has lead me to some new insight. For example,
-God created man from woman - so man is incomplete without a woman because she is an essential part of his being
-God created man and woman in his image - So a man is not a complete image of god (ie seek holiness) without a woman.
- Need is a essential required for existence - A man is to submissive to his wife as Christ is to the church (in giving all unto death on the cross). A woman is essential for this for without her man can not practice submissiveness in a Christ-like manner. Part of this submissiveness has an elements of servanthood, unconditional love and lack of pride and boastfullness.

I have just now come to the realization of the need of my wife, especially when I might be lossing her due to my pride and sin.

John



elastic -> RE: Advice from those who got married when they were "older" (30's and beyond) (3/18/2008 9:52:43 AM)

quote:

God created man from woman


huh? i think you might want to read that little bit of scripture again.



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