anyone else gone through this? how did you change? (Full Version)

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nicole6598 -> anyone else gone through this? how did you change? (3/4/2008 5:50:21 PM)

I have been noticing lately that I have a pretty critcial, bitter and negative attitude about some people. I am not normally like this, well I didnt think I was, maybe I was and only know I am realising it. When I see some people I just get like real angry inside and I don't like that feeling. I dont know how to change that either. Has anyone been like that and changed? How did you do it? Any books or scripture that helped?
I don't want it to eat away at me anymore, I want to be able to see these people differently and to be a better person.



InHisRiver -> RE: anyone else gone through this? how did you change? (3/4/2008 5:55:49 PM)

Hi!

We just had this today in class. When you are critical like that it usually means a change in self esteem. You cant like others if you dont like yourself. You might want to explore why you are feeling so down on yourself-ask God to show you in the Bible. He will help you. Take your Bible and tell Him what has been going on. He probably will take you to more than one scripture so you might want some paper and pen.

Holy Father, please be with Nicole Father God and help her see why things are off kilter the way they are. She knows this and would like to feel better about herself and others. I ask this in Jesus's Holy name above names...Amen!

-River



Mrs.Wifey -> RE: anyone else gone through this? how did you change? (3/4/2008 5:55:57 PM)

Are you talking about online or RL friends?



HomeSpunLady -> RE: anyone else gone through this? how did you change? (3/4/2008 5:57:05 PM)

Girl, I know I am an angry person. I know it. It is a constant battle. I have read books, I have claimed scripture, I have scripture written on post it notes all over my house. it is a battle. What you described sounds like me. For most of it, it was just constant prayer and God changing. It does help to realize that there are a lot of women out there who are angry. I don't know why. I don't know if women have a tendency to be more internally angry? I don't know. But I'll tell you this, I hate being angry. And the more I fight against it, the worse it gets. I don't have any easy answers for you, just that you need to be in prayer and the word EVERYDAY. Having the word of God in my life has made a change and it's not one particular scripture, it's just that it's His word. I know it's hard with kids. But we all need this. For me, discovering this anger was a wake up call that I needed to be in the word more. God was using it to call me back to Him. Just some of my thoughts on it. You are more than welcome to pm me. I'm with ya sister.



nicole6598 -> RE: anyone else gone through this? how did you change? (3/4/2008 6:01:27 PM)

In real life Ryanne.

River- I think its when they have hurt or wronged me that I am most angry etc at them. I find it hard to forgive sometimes.

Kathryn-thank you for your honesty. Yeah I haven't been reading my bible much at all. I KNOW I should and I do miss doing it but its like something is holding me back. I feel like "yeah read that, know that" etc. It's not as thrilling and exciting as it was when I first became a Christian and would just devour the Word day and night.



HisCovenant -> RE: anyone else gone through this? how did you change? (3/4/2008 6:12:08 PM)

I have dealt with that by getting angry at the behavior and trying to see the person as God sees them... someone He loves, someone He finds potential in, someone being duped by satan. Realize that it's ok to be angry about some things, but make sure you are aiming your anger at the real problem. Look at Christ... He got angry, but He did it without sin. That's where I want to be when I've been wronged.

I also agree with Kathryn that a major answer to this problem is getting in the word and getting closer to Christ. You have to do that to do the first thing I suggested. Also, what you fill yourself up with will eventually come out. As you renew your mind, your behavior naturally changes. Getting in the word also gives you something else to focus on... the less time you have to stew, the better. Getting in the word will always help.

I think lots of women have trouble forgiving. I was brought up to behave well. That meant still being nice even when someone was torturing me... that meant only saying kind things and not confronting. That's not the Biblical way to deal with problems. The idea of reconciliation and peacemaking found in the Bible has helped me overcome some of this. There are several good books about it... which of course you don't need if you just look up peace, reconciliation, forgiveness, judging, etc in your Bible. It's all there. But those Christian self-help books can help you find those passages more easily.



BlessedMamaofmany -> RE: anyone else gone through this? how did you change? (3/4/2008 6:37:01 PM)

I'm the same way. Nicole, Kathryn and me...we are kindred spirits in the anger department girlies! [&o]
I have a serious anger problem too and like Kathyrn said, it's an everyday, all the time battle. I have to pray over it all the time.
The Word, the Word, the Word. That's the best advice I have.
Also...it started getting better when I started covering my head. Truly. Not that the Word didn't help too, but once I obeyed that calling and started covering my head, God really moved in my heart and started to make headway against my anger.
Enough about that though...don't want to step on any toes.
Kathryn, you can pm me further about that if you'd like...you too Nicole, since it's your thread and all [8D]



InBetweenDreams -> RE: anyone else gone through this? how did you change? (3/4/2008 6:42:45 PM)

When I see certain people I automatically get annoyed feeling. Also, if certain people call I feel annoyed right away and usually don't even answer the phone. Those people are the kind of people who are always negative about everything no matter how good or bad it is, or people who like to try to make me feel bad for no reason at all.

My grandma likes to say nasty things here and there trying to make me feel guilty for no reason. She does this to everyone and it just gets old.[8|] Like recently she emailed saying "I was at your parents the other day visiting with them, your brother and your sister... but you 2 weren't there.. blah blah blah" If you know my grandma she is meaning to say "You guys are mean for not travelling all this way just so I can see you for an hour. I am upset with you because I found out that you were here a while ago and didn't make the effort to see us" [8|] She beats around the bush ALL the time trying to get answers out of someone so she can use it for gossip. She just LOVES telling friends and family about someone who has "done her wrong".

I avoid these people most of the time. If I am in a really good mood and things aren't bothering me easily I will see them, but if not I will avoid them.



nicole6598 -> RE: anyone else gone through this? how did you change? (3/4/2008 6:50:59 PM)

LOL Nicole are you my sister? Coz your Nanna sounds like my Nanna!!

His covenant thanks, I might look up those words in my concordance and read the Bible that way. I like doing little studies on topics and words etc. I just have to GET DOING IT! I am finding it hard to sort of get into that groove again and feel like a terrible Christian and also think about how I used to get annoyed or think less of someone because they were saying they didn't read their bible (when I lead a study group) and now I am doing the same thing!

I think forgiveness is my biggest thing. Some people have really hurt me the last few weeks, mainly family and I just can't seem to forgive them. One is on my facebook thing and everytime I see her name or her pic or something I get this really angry feeling and hope she is having a miserable time. That is just sooo wrong and I don't want to feel like that. But I also feel ripped off and cheated and think its not fair. Please noone post about how I have to "get over it" etc etc. I don't want a "let's bash her" thread. But tips and advice and encouragement of how to get past this. Thanks



violetlight -> RE: anyone else gone through this? how did you change? (3/4/2008 7:27:14 PM)

Nicole, I know exactly what you mean. I've struggled with forgiveness in the past. There are incredibly hurtful and wrong things that my family & my ex husband has done to me. Really awful things. And it kept happening. I felt like I was just a punching bag. What helped me was praying to God, really crying out asking him to help soften my heart and forgive. At first it was horrible, I didn't want to forgive, I didn't think it was fair, etc. Those are all valid feelings that you have. But what made a difference for me is when I asked God to help me get past those feelings. He touched my heart in a way only he can do. I was able to see how important it is to forgive those that have wronged you, because he has forgiven us first. It really hit me how , even though I had horrible things done to me by the very people I trusted most in the world, I needed to forgive them otherwise how could God forgive me? God could certainly be saying this about all of us, "why should I forgive ______ , he/she has sinned against me time and time again, and most of the time she is not even sorry about it. It's not fair". And he's completely right. He hit me with that one day in his loving, gentle, yet firm way and I have never thought the same way about it again.

I hope this helps. I know the pain of this, and it's so hard to get past it without God's help. You are not alone in this, and I commend you for wanting to get past it. A lot of people don't even get to that point. And everyone in this world has vaild feelings of pain and not wanting to forgive, it's just what we do with them. Please, take it to God and keep praying for him to touch you in the area, according to his will. He will not leave you hanging. You'll feel better inside. Maybe the pain & hurtful things won't go away. But think of your forgiveness as a shield against it. And God will say to you someday, "well done my good and faithful servant."

Blessings to you!



manda59 -> RE: anyone else gone through this? how did you change? (3/4/2008 7:29:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: nicole6598
I think forgiveness is my biggest thing. Some people have really hurt me the last few weeks, mainly family and I just can't seem to forgive them.



Before I post my main answer, which I have been thinking about as I washed the dishes, could I just say here that it isn't that you can't, it's that you won't (ie you are choosing not to). Forgiving someone basically means giving up your perceived "right" to be angry with someone, and when we say we can't forgive someone, it means we are choosing to hold on to that "right" rather than letting it go. Forgiving someone means letting yourself off the hook, giving yourself a break from all the energy that you are exerting (and wasting) into maintaining this anger, and putting every part of it in God's hands and trusting Him to deal with it.


More later ........... (got to feed the bunnies now, lol)



nicole6598 -> RE: anyone else gone through this? how did you change? (3/4/2008 7:45:47 PM)

thanks for sharing violet. I know it all in my head, just not in my spirit yet. I am praying it does change though that I really "GET" it.

Yes Manda you are right, I don't feel like I want to forgive them and that is then meaning I can't. Its hard to explain. Anyway its not about semantics, let's leave that for the thread in home and garden [:D]

I don't think its so much that I feel I have a right to be angry, i think it's that I feel that they are getting let off the hook, especially if they have not apologised or have apologised but keep doing it. And I know I am like that with God and how He forgives me, it's difficult I think for us as humans to put into practice ourselves, not impossible, but it is difficult at times. I like to be in control and I don't think that leaving it in God's hands does much to be honest. Because that person can still go about doing the same thing they always do to hurt you and others and they seem to "get away with it". Know what I mean? [;)][8D]



HomeSpunLady -> RE: anyone else gone through this? how did you change? (3/4/2008 7:57:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlessedMamaofmany

I'm the same way. Nicole, Kathryn and me...we are kindred spirits in the anger department girlies! [&o]
I have a serious anger problem too and like Kathyrn said, it's an everyday, all the time battle. I have to pray over it all the time.
The Word, the Word, the Word. That's the best advice I have.
Also...it started getting better when I started covering my head. Truly. Not that the Word didn't help too, but once I obeyed that calling and started covering my head, God really moved in my heart and started to make headway against my anger.
Enough about that though...don't want to step on any toes.
Kathryn, you can pm me further about that if you'd like...you too Nicole, since it's your thread and all [8D]


Really? That is interesting. Can you explain why?



HisCovenant -> RE: anyone else gone through this? how did you change? (3/4/2008 8:00:38 PM)

For me, letting go of the anger and forgiving means that I still allow them to face consequences. They don't get off the hook. Consequences can be natural occurrances like you don't trust them, your relationship isn't the same... they can be boundries that you set up like each time that person behaves in a certain way, you react in a planned manner. It doesn't mean that you roll over and let them walk over you.



manda59 -> RE: anyone else gone through this? how did you change? (3/4/2008 8:07:10 PM)

quote:


Really? That is interesting. Can you explain why?




I'd imagine it's not the actual covering of the head, but what it symbolises (submission and humility). Some people need an outward sign to help them process what it means inside. There's pride in anger, and often that pride needs to be let go of for healing to begin.



RepentanceIsRequired -> RE: anyone else gone through this? how did you change? (3/4/2008 8:14:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: nicole6598
I like to be in control and I don't think that leaving it in God's hands does much to be honest. Because that person can still go about doing the same thing they always do to hurt you and others and they seem to "get away with it". Know what I mean? [;)][8D]


The only person you can control is yourself. To say that God cannot handle things is a dangerous line to tread. The other person will have to answer equally for his/her actions just as much as you will (or all of us for that matter). If a person continues to hurt you, then a re-evaluation of how much contact you have with that person is in order. And even though you said you don't want to hear it, ya have to let it go. Why go to God in prayer and ask him to release the anger, or take away the anger just to pick it right back up the next day? What do you gain by holding onto it?

(please know I am not meaning to be offensive or "scold" you)



manda59 -> RE: anyone else gone through this? how did you change? (3/4/2008 8:26:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: nicole6598
Yes Manda you are right, I don't feel like I want to forgive them and that is then meaning I can't. Its hard to explain. Anyway its not about semantics, let's leave that for the thread in home and garden


It's not to do with semantics, Nicole. If we are choosing not to forgive someone, even though Scripture commands us to, then we are effectively refusing, and that means we're sinning and need to come to Christ and confess it and be cleansed. It is ok to struggle, to come to God and say that we want to forgive, but are finding it hard to let go, and then ask Him to help to do so. But we need to be at that place of wanting, being willing to forgive.

quote:


I don't think its so much that I feel I have a right to be angry, i think it's that I feel that they are getting let off the hook,


IMO it is that you feel you have a right to be angry, because basically your way of thinking is that since God doesn't seem to be doing anything about it, then you think you should, by being angry.

quote:


I like to be in control and I don't think that leaving it in God's hands does much to be honest.


Nicole, you may want to re-read what you put here. This actually is the crux of the matter.
You basically don't believe that God can be trusted to deal with people who hurt you. I'd suggest you talk this over with God, find out where all this came from, and work together on your relationship with Him.



manda59 -> RE: anyone else gone through this? how did you change? (3/4/2008 8:31:53 PM)

I am not saying that it is the same for everyone, but if we have been someone whose primary carers (parents) weren't there for us when we were children, either all the time or on a specific occasion, we can start to feel that it's all down to us, that we have to look after ourselves because no-one else will. So, when someone does let us down and hurt us, not only are we angry at them, but we are also angry at ourselves, because we weren't there for ourselves, we didn't see it coming, we didn't protect ourselves. But then instead of dealing with the anger, we deflect it onto others, because it is easier to cope with being angry with others than be angry at ourselves.
And it can also happen that we transfer this "no-one except me is here for me" way of thinking onto God too, and start doubting Him and thinking that He is not there for us either.



nicole6598 -> RE: anyone else gone through this? how did you change? (3/4/2008 8:42:08 PM)

I am not down on myself or angry at myself for letting them hurt me or anything. But yes there are times when I think (and everyone has thought it, I am not saying I think this all the time) "God what are you doing?! don't you see how they keep doing that same thing?" etc. And yes I will take that to God. Thanks for that.

Hiscovenant-yes I didn't think of the consequence as limiting contact with them etc. It is a little hard when they are family members though and are expected to get along and never have any problem no matter what they do or say to you...

Just read Ephesians and the whole no bitterness, malice etc. Boy that is a big verse! I do do the building people up part and encouraging, I just need to stop with the other side of it.



HisCovenant -> RE: anyone else gone through this? how did you change? (3/4/2008 8:49:51 PM)

It's tough, Nicole. I think you will find the whole thing a process. Of course, there's the turning moment when you do hand it over to God, but mostly it's a growing process. Just keep growing in Christ and the putting away the old man, being forebearing and forgiving, and walking in a manner worthy of your calling will come more easily. It's a lot easier said than done. But it still has to be said. [;)]



HomeSpunLady -> RE: anyone else gone through this? how did you change? (3/4/2008 8:56:52 PM)

And you know what I've found? It becomes harder when you know you are doing it. The more you try to make it stop the more you will do it. It's like the more you focus on what you are doing wrong, the more you do it. I think this is so because you are focusing on bad behavior and what goes in will come out. If you focus on the behavior you want to have, through prayer and 'seeing it' in your brain, it will happen more and more. Also, remember it is Christ who does the healing. You cannot heal yourself. You can allow yourself to be healed. And I do believe that coming out of anger is a healing. It is a sore, a wound that has festered and it needs to be cleaned. It will hurt. It will stink. And it will look like a whole lot worse before it gets better. And you know what, you will always have a wound. It's like an alcoholic, they will always have a weakness for the drink, so they have to build extra precautions for themselves in that area because they are weak.

And remember, forgive yourself too.



BlessedMamaofmany -> RE: anyone else gone through this? how did you change? (3/4/2008 9:15:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: manda59

quote:


Really? That is interesting. Can you explain why?




I'd imagine it's not the actual covering of the head, but what it symbolises (submission and humility). Some people need an outward sign to help them process what it means inside. There's pride in anger, and often that pride needs to be let go of for healing to begin.


Manda stated it very well....thanks Manda!
but to add to it, once I started covering my head, my desire to be honoring to God became much more visable to me (as in the actual covering). It's a tangible symbol of the fruits I want to display....and my covering has been very humbling (in a good way)
My desire is to be empty of myself (and part of that being my tendency towards anger and a short temper). I want to be empty of myself and full of the Spirit..my covering is a constant reminder of that
Sandy



manda59 -> RE: anyone else gone through this? how did you change? (3/4/2008 9:18:19 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: nicole6598
Hiscovenant-yes I didn't think of the consequence as limiting contact with them etc. It is a little hard when they are family members though and are expected to get along and never have any problem no matter what they do or say to you...



If you can't limit physical contact, you can still limit emotional contact by establishing safe boundaries for your interactions with them.



manda59 -> RE: anyone else gone through this? how did you change? (3/4/2008 9:22:19 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: nicole6598
I am not down on myself or angry at myself for letting them hurt me or anything.


It might help for you to identify why what they did hurt you so deeply, why it mattered so much.



nicole6598 -> RE: anyone else gone through this? how did you change? (3/4/2008 9:31:30 PM)

Sandy I don't get the whole head covering thing. when do you cover it? what are you doing at the time?

I just wanted to say I am not angry all day long, just when certain things happen or a person does something, just incase you all thought I was some angry beast of a woman :)



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