jealousy and competitiveness (Full Version)

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ChelseaRae -> jealousy and competitiveness (3/13/2008 7:07:32 PM)

Ladies I need some ideas. It's hard for me to admit this, please be nice.[:)]

I am a very competitive person by nature, for the most part it has helped me (getting top marks because I wanted to be the best, having drive to be the best at sports or whatever I was into at the time) but right now I am really struggling.

Dh and his brother are very close in age and I am the same age and his wife (I will call her Anne). We are fairly close, we have tons in common we both want to homeschool our kids, we are both sahms, we both are very into our faith, we have similar views on raising children etc. It is kind of strange exactly how much we have in common seeing as we are married to brothers. They have been married for a year and a half longer than us, and we both have babies now: Mary just turned nine months and their little girl is just about two months.

I am starting to find that I am very competitive when she is around. I know this isn't a Christian attitude but I feel like I want people to think I am a better wife than she is or that I am a better mother than her. I feel like we are constantly being compared and I think as our kids grow up they are going to be compared as well. I get jealous when I hear that they spent a lot of money on something that I know we couldn't afford and will make an excuse as to why I wouldn't want one or something like that to make it okay.

In a way these feelings help motivate me to be a better wife and mom, just because I want to be the best but it is stressful and I know it isn't right!

I know these feelings are sinful and I know it's not right but I need help on how to get over it and turn it into something good. [:o]



Jenny-Fair -> RE: jealousy and competitiveness (3/13/2008 7:10:05 PM)

What about her or your relationship to her is making you feel insecure? Because it isn't inborn competitiveness-it's insecurity.



ChelseaRae -> RE: jealousy and competitiveness (3/13/2008 7:17:19 PM)

hmm... maybe you're right. I don't know what it is, maybe that we have so much in common and I don't want anyone to think she is a better wife than me.



Jenny-Fair -> RE: jealousy and competitiveness (3/13/2008 7:19:22 PM)

Do you think of other people in those terms? I mean, do you think of your friends Meg and Sue and say, "Yup, I love Meg and Sue. Sue is a better mother/sister/friend."? Because I'd be willing to bet you don't think of people like that...and that other people don't think of you like that.



ChelseaRae -> RE: jealousy and competitiveness (3/13/2008 7:23:31 PM)

I don't! I have other friends that have babies Mary's age and have the same faith as me... and I don't think of them like that at all.

I honestly don't understand, I promise I'm honestly looking for advice, I'm not trying to hold out on anything.



[sm=wave.gif] Hi Jenny! I meant to tell you how much I love your avatar, I use twitterpating all the time!



paulsbride -> RE: jealousy and competitiveness (3/13/2008 7:30:47 PM)

I understand what you're saying.

I know you know that * it does not matter * who is "better" at what, but maybe you could look for things that you can admit she *is* better at - and tell her? A genuine compliment like "Anne, you make the best ___!" or "Anne, I really admire how you ___."

And then leave it at that!

For me if I am feeling "competitive" with someone it is SO HARD for me to admit they are good at anything - it is very humbling.



BlessedMamaofmany -> RE: jealousy and competitiveness (3/13/2008 7:30:48 PM)

Do you really Chelsea? I say twitterpated all the time too!! That's hilarious..I didn't think anyone else said that anymore.

As far as advice, who specifically are you worried about? Your parents, and other relatives? If you say you don't have this problem with other friends you age...that's odd that it's just her...has anything ever happened before?
Sandy



ChelseaRae -> RE: jealousy and competitiveness (3/13/2008 7:39:03 PM)

Sandy... I just want you to know that I have been walking around for weeks with that silly Brad Paisley song in my head because of your siggy... it's driving me nuts![8D] And yes, I thought I was the only one who said twitterpated too!

It is odd that it is just her, I don't feel jealous about anyone else. Really the only friends we have in common are our in laws, we don't have mutual friends or even acquaintances really, we know people from church but I don't even live in the same town as them! We live a few hours away but hope to move back in a few years.

Jess that is a good idea, I will remember that over Easter when I am at home, I think it would be *very* humbling for me to do that.

Thanks for being so nice guys, I didn't know what kind of responses I would get but I really need help with this.



BlessedMamaofmany -> RE: jealousy and competitiveness (3/13/2008 7:56:00 PM)

hmmmm. That is weird! Jess has great advice, I'll have to remember that too [8D]
Although, after going back and reading your op, I can see why the jealousy would flare a bit. I'm the resident wierdo in my family, and if there were to be another young wife with so much in common with me, values and ideals-wise, I would be jealous and competetive too.
For me, personally, I would have problems because I *like* being the odd-duck in my family. I like being the only one to homeschool and have lots of kids because I like them, not because they were accidents...not that my motives and reasons for homeschooling and my other values are based on the fact that it makes me odd, but that's just a bonus (a sort of perverse one, I admit [8D]) kwim?
Is it possible that some of your jealousy and competetivness stems from the fact that you won't be the only one in your family (which I am assuming, please correct me if I'm wrong) doing these kinds of things (sah, hs'ing, ect) and there will always be someone to be compared to, even if the only one doing the comparing is you?
I would like to humbly point out that all those thoughts made much more sense in my head, and I hope they are coherent when you're reading this LOL
Sandy



Jenny-Fair -> RE: jealousy and competitiveness (3/13/2008 8:53:18 PM)

Sandy, you should have my mother. When we decided to homebirth she accused me of doing it 'just to be different'!

So, if you don't think of other people comparatively, why do you assume others compare you? I think it's just you, not other people's opinions, at work here. I am not saying you are wrong for feeling things--I don't think feelings are wrong. But I think you should examine WHY you feel the way you do, since there is no actual problem--two great moms, two great wives, you sound like kindred spirits. I just know if it were me feeling this way, it would be because of an inner feeling of insufficiency in some area. Or a lack of realizing where I am in God's scheme of things--finding my value in Him rather than in my daily activities. Are you feeling unappreciated or are you having a hard time because stay at home mothering sometimes seems so useless in the scheme of things (it isn't--just some days I can remember thinking it was)?



ChelseaRae -> RE: jealousy and competitiveness (3/14/2008 12:33:53 AM)

quote:

two great moms, two great wives, you sound like kindred spirits


I know! I think we sound like kindered spirits too, that is why I don't understand my feelings![:@] I am loving staying home as a mom, this is all I ever wanted and I couldn't be happier! I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to me, this is something that has been bothering me for a long time but I felt silly trying to tell someone, like they would think I was trying to get attention or something.

quote:

For me, personally, I would have problems because I *like* being the odd-duck in my family. I like being the only one to homeschool and have lots of kids because I like them, not because they were accidents...not that my motives and reasons for homeschooling and my other values are based on the fact that it makes me odd, but that's just a bonus (a sort of perverse one, I admit ) kwim?
Is it possible that some of your jealousy and competitiveness stems from the fact that you won't be the only one in your family (which I am assuming, please correct me if I'm wrong) doing these kinds of things (sah, hs'ing, ect) and there will always be someone to be compared to, even if the only one doing the comparing is you?


Wow Sandy, I think I know exactly what you mean. I never thought about it like that before but I kind of like being the weird crunchy one too... I think I really need to take that to God in prayer, I will tell you tomorrow what He says.[:)]



cynthia -> RE: jealousy and competitiveness (3/14/2008 1:22:13 AM)

ChelseaRae,
This is normal. It’s not healthy, but it’s normal. I think Jennifer is right that you are feeling insecure. You spent a paragraph comparing how you are alike, then you say:
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChelseaRae



quote:

I feel like we are constantly being compared and I think as our kids grow up they are going to be compared as well.

This is fear based. Yes, it’s sin, but I wouldn’t focus so much on that aspect of it. It’s an issue of giving your fear of not measuring up or not being the best (pride) and giving it over to the Lord. Once you have confessed that to the Lord and decided to repent of it, you make a conscious decision to reject that kind of thinking and state that you repent of comparing yourself, your marriage, your husband, your child and your family to others and that you take on humility instead. I believe it’s important to actually say it, as in confession. Then ask the Lord to fill you with an attitude of humility and grace. When those feelings start coming back up, reject them again and focus on receiving humility and grace from the Lord.

I would suggest that rather than focusing on the negative and on what you fear (being compared and coming up less than), that you focus on what is right. Make an effort to pray for your brother, sister-in-law and their family. Learn to rejoice in their blessings. You do not need what they need. The Lord has a different plan for each of us. As you rejoice in what He has done and is doing for you, rejoice also in what he is doing for your brother and his wife, according to what He has planned for them. You do not know what tomorrow holds. I have seen a lot of ups and downs and changes in the last 23+ years of marriage. My family and close friends have been through a lot.

My closest friend and I have battled with competition in our adult life. For years we were in some kind of silly competition. Finally I stepped out of the competition and sought to support and pray for her instead. Over the years, things have changed drastically in both of our lives. I can tell you that stepping out of that competitive mode has been a huge blessing to us. We have been able to be very transparent and supportive of each other through some very difficult times. If we had maintained this comparison, we would not be as rich as we are today. Our relationship has grown tremendously and she is my dearest and closest friend. We have known each other for 36 years; most of our lives. What a blessing to have a friend who is humble and transparent with me who I am not afraid to share with.

Now I don’t know if you can have that kind of relationship with your sil, it depends not only on you, but on her also. Think about whether she may be having similar issues with jealousy and competition. If you think that could be the case, begin to pray over this issue for her as well. When you feel more comfortable and have made progress in this area yourself, maybe the two of you could talk about your concerns that other family members are comparing your families and what you might do to lessen the problem

It would be good to pray about what to do when others do compare you. They probably have no idea that it’s a problem for you. Ask the Lord to help you find a gracious way of saying that there is no comparison as you are each unique individuals create for different purposes. You may be alike in many ways, but you are each special and important in your contributions to the kingdom of God.

And finally, I suggest you read Romans chapter 12. It is abut how we are each important, but different. No one is greater or lesser. We all serve a purpose in the kingdom of God. Focus on that aspect of your life and how the Lord has placed you exactly where you are for His purpose. You do not know what tomorrow will hold and how circumstances may change, but you do know that it’s not about who is better.

Here’s Romans 12:4-6
For as we have many members in one body, but all the members do not have the same function, so we, being many, are one body in Christ, and individually members of one another. Having then gifts differing according to the grace that is given to us, let us use them:

You do not want to give place to the devil, so make sure that you walk through the steps to repentance: confess and give it over to the Lord, reject it, receive what is good from the Lord. He wants to bless this relationship and he wants to bless you, but the devil wants to steal, kill and destroy. He has already lost because you came out in humility and asked for help in dealing with what is at the root pride. Yah for you! May you walk in humility, joy and peace.



HesallIneed -> RE: jealousy and competitiveness (3/14/2008 11:17:51 AM)

I appreciate you for posting this. Because I am dealing with this in some form. Reading the advice on this post helped me.

I feel so stupid that I would even feel this way. It something that happens automatically it seems(the feeling I get). Like I have a couple sister in laws now and I start to feel like the odd one because they have more conversation than I with either of them. I'm not as outgoing as they are. I'm shy, quiet and was very sheltered growing up. They just seem more worldy than I am(which they are). The thing is they are younger than I am. I start to feel uncomfortable as if they fit in the family more than I. I mention one little silly thing that I feel: My baby is a little older than hers and she looks smaller than I. I normally don't even care if someone is smaller than me. But weight is a big thing with my in laws and my mother in law has said several times about her being a small person. Which she really isn't as small just appears because of her body type. I feel so crazy I would even feel this way and I try to shake it. She's a really nice person and we do talk about things and have some things incommon. It's nothing against her or her personality but it's about these automatic(it seems) feelings I feel when I'm around my in laws and her. I don't feel that way when I'm around her doing something together.

Sorry to move in on your post. I really don't have advice because I need it. But I can kinda relate to what you''re saying. Thanks for being honest because it helped me. I really don't want to feel this way. I hate it.



Mrs.Wifey -> RE: jealousy and competitiveness (3/14/2008 11:23:47 AM)

I'm going to PM you[;)]



laughinggirl -> RE: jealousy and competitiveness (3/14/2008 12:00:22 PM)

Do your inlaws ever compare you directly or say anything to make you feel this way? I imagine that the comparisons would mostly come from yourself and possibly them.

I can sort of relate in a way.... Right now, I'm the only DIL in my husband's family because his two brothers aren't married. However, his bros have both been dating their girlfriends for several months, and I was surprised to discover that I was feeling a little sad about the idea of if they got married, I wouldn't be the only girl anymore. I started imagining all the ways these girls would be better than I am, in my MIL's eyes. Of course, it was ALL in my imagination! My MIL is great and I'm sure she would never think those negative thoughts I was coming up with. And honestly, I would be thrilled if my BIL's got married - they are good guys and I would love to see them happy. (But every now and then I'm secretly glad that I'm still the only girl for a while...)



InBetweenDreams -> RE: jealousy and competitiveness (3/14/2008 12:08:10 PM)

Chelsea, since you already got a lot of great advice I will just let you know that I will pray for you and your sister in law. [:)]



peculiar_lady2 -> RE: jealousy and competitiveness (3/14/2008 1:33:04 PM)

I agree COMPLETELY with Cynthia (boy she sure knows her stuff doesn't she!!! She earned that title of "forums mother"...lol)
I think that book I was telling you about last night in another thread would help too....it deals with how to see, isolate, and change our reactions to core fears in us....those things that people use to push our buttons on (whether in this kind of a situation where it is unintentional, or whether it is intentional). It's a great book...and after reading this, I KNOW you will get a lot out of it.



HesallIneed -> RE: jealousy and competitiveness (3/14/2008 1:50:14 PM)

What's the name of that book?



peculiar_lady2 -> RE: jealousy and competitiveness (3/14/2008 2:15:00 PM)

oh sorry...should have put that....it's called"The DNA Of Relationships" By Dr Gary Smalley. It's written in relation to marriage, but the info in it can really help with ANY relationship....even with looking into your relationship with God and within yourself. HERE is a sample of the second chapter...from their web page....just to give you an idea of the gist of the core fear part that they discuss.



ChelseaRae -> RE: jealousy and competitiveness (3/14/2008 2:19:05 PM)

Thanks Cynthia, I knew I could count on you, I think we would all be lost without our Forums Mother![:)]

Thank you for the prayers Nicole![:D]


I read over everything a few more times, I want to say again that I sure appreciate you all helping me figure this out. HeisallIneed don't worry, it is kind of nice to know that there are other people struggling with this isn't it?[:)]

I sat down when Mary was napping and asked God to really help me to see where all this is coming from and I confessed and prayed and spent some time in my Bible and I feel much better. It isn't going to be easy to stop this but I realized that I haven't really been praying for them at all and that was wrong of me. I couldn't think of anyone other than myself who compares us, which really showed me that these feelings are definitely coming from inside me.

I am going to make a commitment to pray for her every day during my prayer time and to do everything I can to build her up when I am around her. I read Romans 12 a few times and I am going to try and claim it as best I can. I highlighted a few verses that I really feel apply to me, they really spoke to me about this situation. I am very much going to have to work on my pride because that is exactly what it is, I am rather proud of my crunchiness, as silly as that really is and I don't want to let that get in the way of us being close with them. I came up with a plan of what I am going to do when I feel compared and wrote down some verses that will help me get over it.

I can honestly say that this turned out very differently than I expected. I never thought about it this closely before and I am rather ashamed to admit that pride (of silly silly things!) is what is behind my feelings.

Bethany it is hard isn't it? You were able to figure things out much better than me, turns out everything was in my head too!

Thanks Sarah, I will check my library's catalogue when I am there next week!



Jenny-Fair -> RE: jealousy and competitiveness (3/14/2008 2:22:10 PM)

quote:

I can honestly say that this turned out very differently than I expected. I never thought about it this closely before and I am rather ashamed to admit that pride (of silly silly things!) is what is behind my feelings.

Sweetie, pride is THE sin, and it isn't silly at all. It's a growth experience, and I admire your attitude about it all.



cynthia -> RE: jealousy and competitiveness (3/14/2008 2:33:31 PM)

Thank you for the kind words, ladies. [:)]

I was telling my close friend, the other day, that I struggle with pride and patience. Everyone at least struggles with pride. You are not alone.



peculiar_lady2 -> RE: jealousy and competitiveness (3/14/2008 2:36:05 PM)

quote:

Everyone at least struggles with pride. You are not alone.

yup....you can follow it all the way back to Adam and Eve



cynthia -> RE: jealousy and competitiveness (3/14/2008 2:38:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: peculiar_lady2

quote:

Everyone at least struggles with pride. You are not alone.

yup....you can follow it all the way back to Adam and Eve

Absolutely. But what I should have said is that when we are under the direction of the Holy Spirit, it can be under control and we can walk in truth and unity.



peculiar_lady2 -> RE: jealousy and competitiveness (3/14/2008 2:51:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cynthia

quote:

ORIGINAL: peculiar_lady2

quote:

Everyone at least struggles with pride. You are not alone.

yup....you can follow it all the way back to Adam and Eve

Absolutely. But what I should have said is that when we are under the direction of the Holy Spirit, it can be under control and we can walk in truth and unity.

YUP....I just meant that that old lie of satan's can be traced all the way back to there...we all have to deal with it in some way in our lives...it's the same old lie he's been trying to pass off as truth since the beginning of mankind. We ABSOLUTELY have power and authority over it!!! That sin nature has to come under submission of Jesus blood in our lives!!!



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