7 year itch, moods, sex, and the joys of marriage. (Full Version)

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willfs -> 7 year itch, moods, sex, and the joys of marriage. (4/7/2008 8:47:31 PM)

Call me paranoid but I kinda have a pessimistic view of marriage. Can anyone help?

I am definitely not trying to knock women. I know I have much to work on. However, the moodiness thing scares me. My mother is pretty mean and moody with my Dad alot. I would hate to live with that but my Dad seems okay. I have heard that women get more moody once they get married. In both my relationships, once she was comfortable with me, she would be lovey dovey one minute and become incredibly rude the next. As a shy guy I dated real aggressive, assertive gals. Once they stopped chasing me and started expecting me to be the man by putting up with their moods I was like, "You are the one who really wanted this. If you are going to treat me that way then I am outa here." Maybe I just haven't met the right girl yet.

I thought marriage was supposed to be fun but looking at older couples - it doesn't seem that way. My pastor told me personaly that its possible for the love to be better after twenty years than it was on the first day. He seemed pretty sincere.

BTW - is it possible to keep the sex life going or is the vibrant sex a short lived excursion that only happens on special occasions before the decade is out.



BlackCapnHarlock -> RE: 7 year itch, moods, sex, and the joys of marriage. (4/7/2008 9:41:19 PM)

Too many women let themselves go once they get married. They gain weight, they don't keep up their appearance or hygiene the same.

Yep, there are some who stay pretty for themselves and for their husbands but some just let themselves go.

I know two women who when they were married, one dressed like Mr. Rogers and the other like a cast member of "Little House on the Praire."

Well they got divorced, now they are dressing modern, looking hotter and have a different attitude.

Why do SOME women let themselves go and also the one thing that most married men will tell you, once kids get invovled the women cut off sex.

That's the nightmare that all men face, either their woman wants sex 24/7 or they cut them off except for maybe twice a month or once every few months.

It's really hard when you are a Christian and can't substitute that EROS feeling and meaning.

JESUS is LORD but only a woman can give a man that EROS. JESUS' LOve has to be greater than EROS in our life, to keep us focused, but it's hard when your body and your soul is emotinally hungry for a woman's love and a woman's touch.

We must endure. It's hard for Christians to endure.

Marriage if it's to the right person, can be work, can be worth it, though.
You can get the hot wife, who's the hot mom, but your life doesn't stop, you are still a man, you are still THE MAN, and your life is full.

You get tempted, SOME women LUST married men, they love to ruin marriages and be trashy and make a mess. Those women arent' worth a penny, neither are the men in some cases.

But make sure you keep yourself up and keep your woman feeling young, marriage is work, work, work, work and more work, but it can be worth while.

It's something awesome, something to be thankful for, just make sure she's a good one for you.



evryknee -> RE: 7 year itch, moods, sex, and the joys of marriage. (4/8/2008 5:27:52 PM)

That sounded kinda hopeless Capn, re: women, but your point on Jesus' love was good.

As a shy person, you are probably drawn to the more assertive woman. This is not a bad thing, but assertiveness without humility is dangerous. I married a woman who is way more organized and more assertive than I, and she can be moody at times as well. But because of her love for the Lord, she is willing to admit her mistakes, seek forgiveness and work at submission. She is such a great wife because she loves the Lord and pursues holiness & humility. Sexually, we are a stereotypical couple where I desire more than she does, but she recognizes this is a ministry to me and meets me halfway to compromise (which I appreciate).

So if this is the type of person you are attracted to, then be sure she follows Christ whole-heartedly, seeks humility, and chooses to give honor & respect (whether it is deserved or not).

And try not to let the mom fears ("She's like my mother") move you to give up to early on a relationship.



CatholicCritter -> RE: 7 year itch, moods, sex, and the joys of marriage. (4/8/2008 5:49:59 PM)

Here are the 3 major problems I see in marriages today:

1. We are unwilling to enter into a covenant. Instead, we enter into a 'contract' in which we say 'i will provide you with _______ and in return, you provide me with _________. A covenant is different. When we enter into a covenant, we say, 'I am yours always, exclusively, and entirely and you are mine always, exclusively, and entirely.' We give OURSELVES away. Instead, we use artifical contraception and lie with our bodies to our spouse. We say 'I want all of you, minus your fertility and I give you all of me, except for my willingness to create life.' We lose sight of the fact that the Trinity is our model for marriage. The Father and Son share everything, holding nothing back, and that love is so profound and perfect that it begets another person--the Holy Spirit. That's what is lacking in marriages today--a decision to love that's so profound that 9 months later, you may have to give it a name.

2. We miss the boat on sex. We convince ourselves that sex is good or fun, when God is telling us in Scripture that sex is HOLY. When we treat something holy as merely good or even great, we profane it. Once you let God be in charge of your sex life, you begin to seek out holiness, virtue, and unconditional love. Not to get it, but to give it.

3. Marriage is not primarily for fun and games. It's so you can get each other to Heaven. Most of us would not get there on our own. God's providence is such that He is the author of marriage, not for some esoteric reason, but because when done in covenantal love, it conforms our will to His. The day to day dynamics of a marriage are tough--REAL tough. In truth, our spouses can be our cross! The question becomes whether or not you will take it up and follow Christ through Calvary to the resurrection by deciding to love. Christ could've put down his cross and summoned legion after legion of angels to wipe out his enemies. Instead, he decided to love and suffered for others because it was the will of God.



APZR -> RE: 7 year itch, moods, sex, and the joys of marriage. (4/8/2008 5:57:32 PM)

Will and Black, dudes... you need counseling. Yes, marriage is work, but it's a labor of love. We all have bad days or "that" time of the month. But overall, my wife and I work together and for each other to please the other. Sure you'll hear the occasional spat, but when we need time way... that's why guys have hunting/fishing trips, and gals have shopping trips. No, it is not good to heard dissention in the house all day, every day.



evryknee -> RE: 7 year itch, moods, sex, and the joys of marriage. (4/8/2008 7:45:19 PM)

quote:

Marriage is not primarily for fun and games. It's so you can get each other to Heaven.


Umm, My wife can't get me to heaven. It's only Christ's sacrifice on the cross that can "get" us there. (But that's another topic). Though, CC, I greatly appreciated your other insights!

Marriage, though, is part of the bigger picture of conforming us to Christ's image or to His likeness (Eph 5:25, Rom 8:29). I've mentioned in a few other forums, that I greatly appreciated Gary Thomas' book, Sacred Marriage, that talked about marriage was more about holiness, than happiness.



BlackCapnHarlock -> RE: 7 year itch, moods, sex, and the joys of marriage. (4/8/2008 9:29:30 PM)

I disagree marriage is not about happiness, we get married to be misreable???? We should stay single if that's our mindset why add misery and more temptation to my life?

Marriage is supposed to be happy, joyful, holy, sex is supposed to be dymanite, EROTIC, electric, and fun. Many folks forget that, if marriage is a chore then it's a chore that we don't need.

I understand as I said marriage is work, but marriage also most be rewarding now.



willfs -> RE: 7 year itch, moods, sex, and the joys of marriage. (4/9/2008 12:22:35 AM)

Isn't it possible to both enjoy something while treating it holy at the same time? I know most of you won't disagree with that statement. As an unmarried guy I have a lot to learn about women. Maybe I just need to chill and not get so worked up about what I haven't experienced yet.

But I feel my view of women and sex has come full circle in a bad way.

Years ago I would hear from the pulpit, guys conferences and other places about how husbands get rejected all the time for sex. Watching movies with girls, they would always act discusted during the sex scenes. At a college retreat one woman teacher shared how shocked she was at her husbands sex drive. I thought, "Do girls even like sex?"

Then I went through some wild years. I dated girls who seemed to want it all the time. It shocked me. I shared my shock with these women and they were like, "We are human also."

I began to believe that it was only Christian women who not into sex. My newly married friend reassured me that was not true.

However, now it seems, from the way things seem to have gone in my married friend's sex life as well as the posts on here that after the full night of sex on the honeymoon, its all down hill from there. I don't want to be an obligation to my wife. It just messes with me that guys think about sex on pretty much an hourly basis and yet within most marriages the sex turns into a monthly deal. I actually had a more optimistic view on sex in marriage when I was with non christian girls.

I don't want anyone to get me wrong. In my relationships with both Christian and non Christian girls I feel I treated the girl like more than just a sex object. With Christian girls, I even kept some large barriars when it came to physical touch. With the non christians girls - like I said - they were the ones who were sexually aggresive.

I might be suffering from comparing all women to a mom who I feel really mistreates my Dad. If this post is too negative or inappropriate please say so and I will delete it.



BlackCapnHarlock -> RE: 7 year itch, moods, sex, and the joys of marriage. (4/9/2008 6:36:56 AM)

W,

I am glad you are honest. But too many women do this. Get in the honeymoon stage, then all of a sudden "shut it down." This happens both with women who are Christians and women who aren't. Guys complain about this all the time and some women have this issue as well. Sexual dysfunction and Christian men is another topic. But it's something that needs to be discussed and treated.

I wonder how come folks ignore this verse of scripture by Paul

2Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.

3Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.

4The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.

5Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.


I understand what the first verses are saying about holiness and strength in marriage, but this verse is a apart of that and often ignored.

It's serious, you have Christian men being tempted and women as well, because there partners who are healthy and capable have "shut it down!"

This is creating major problems in the lives of the body of Christ and no one cares!! Sex is a topic ignored by too many Christians and that's why we are addicted to porn, we commit adultery, we are in strip clubs, women are creeping on their husbands, we need to talk about SEX and we need to get the message out there that SEX is AWESOME AND EROTIC AND LUSTFUL AND WONDERFUL in legal, holy covenant marriage. This backward thinking has done nothing to help us but hurt us.

We would be a better body of CHRIST if we dealt with issues instead of sweeping them under the rug for Satan to torture us with.



willfs -> RE: 7 year itch, moods, sex, and the joys of marriage. (4/9/2008 7:51:28 AM)

I know that verse full well and there are certain aspects of that verse that do need to be discussed.

However, I am not going to pull out my Bible to get my wife to have sex with me.

I also don't think I can neccisarily (sp?) blame a women for any addictions to porn or strip clubs.

At one time I actually had the hope that women and men were sexually compatible. I now fear they are not. But like I said earlier. A lot of it is a trust thing (chill out). God provides ( and doesn't provide) marriage. He knows what he is doing.



evryknee -> RE: 7 year itch, moods, sex, and the joys of marriage. (4/9/2008 8:29:25 AM)

quote:

I disagree marriage is not about happiness, we get married to be misreable????


I think you went to the opposite extreme of what I was saying. Let me say what I mean differently. I do not think it is a good idea if we look to our wives for our own personal happiness. If we were to do this, then we view our wives as tools, instruments, or servants that exist for our personal gratification. If we were to do this, then we are living for ourselves and others exist for "me." Also, we get very frustrated and we do not end up "happy" anyway.

Scriptures talk about love and unity. In Eph. 5, husbands are called to love. Love is other centered. We sacrifice our own well-being at times for the benefit of our wives. It is a sacrifice of time, energy, among other things. Phil. 2 talks about this humility & sacrifice of Christ, but also shares that we are "not only to consider our own interests, but those of others". So this means we are to share our own interests, desires, etc. too.

Unity ("oneness") is working together through the differences (incl. desire for sex, etc.), forgiving, speaking kindly, and all that (sorry, short on time).

Willfs - men & women are "sexually comaptible" by design, but the differences in desires are something to work through, to build intimacy and affection. No, you are not going to get what you want, when you want all the time, but is that always bad thing?



BlackCapnHarlock -> RE: 7 year itch, moods, sex, and the joys of marriage. (4/9/2008 11:51:46 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: YZGUY

quote:

I disagree marriage is not about happiness, we get married to be misreable????


I think you went to the opposite extreme of what I was saying. Let me say what I mean differently. I do not think it is a good idea if we look to our wives for our own personal happiness. If we were to do this, then we view our wives as tools, instruments, or servants that exist for our personal gratification. If we were to do this, then we are living for ourselves and others exist for "me." Also, we get very frustrated and we do not end up "happy" anyway.

Scriptures talk about love and unity. In Eph. 5, husbands are called to love. Love is other centered. We sacrifice our own well-being at times for the benefit of our wives. It is a sacrifice of time, energy, among other things. Phil. 2 talks about this humility & sacrifice of Christ, but also shares that we are "not only to consider our own interests, but those of others". So this means we are to share our own interests, desires, etc. too.

Unity ("oneness") is working together through the differences (incl. desire for sex, etc.), forgiving, speaking kindly, and all that (sorry, short on time).

Willfs - men & women are "sexually comaptible" by design, but the differences in desires are something to work through, to build intimacy and affection. No, you are not going to get what you want, when you want all the time, but is that always bad thing?


I agree . .. good points, sorry if I was being overzealous in my response.



NoShow -> RE: 7 year itch, moods, sex, and the joys of marriage. (4/9/2008 12:48:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: willfs

Maybe I just haven't met the right girl yet.


I think it's this. It's not much different than people that don't know how to be good friends. There's people that don't know how to be a good significant other. But there's also people that know how. They may be the minority, but that doesn't make them rare. So you just need to be patient.

quote:

BTW - is it possible to keep the sex life going or is the vibrant sex a short lived excursion that only happens on special occasions before the decade is out.


It can keep going. We've been married over 12 years and it's going stronger, than ever.



beauregarde -> RE: 7 year itch, moods, sex, and the joys of marriage. (4/9/2008 1:22:56 PM)

quote:

It can keep going. We've been married over 12 years and it's going stronger, than ever.


About 19 years - and yes, a vibrant sex life is very much part of our married life.


I think in pre marital counseling, someone should tell the woman, "Yes, they want it every night!"



evryknee -> RE: 7 year itch, moods, sex, and the joys of marriage. (4/9/2008 1:44:23 PM)

Capn,
quote:

I agree . .. good points, sorry if I was being overzealous in my response.
It's all good, bro!



willfs -> RE: 7 year itch, moods, sex, and the joys of marriage. (4/9/2008 4:55:27 PM)

YZGUY - I agree. Many times, we do a lot better not getting everything we want and we shouldn't expect to get everything we want. I just looked at the male's great desire for sex and was alittle depressed with what I thought the sex life of even a good marriage would end up being.

I appreciate all of the insights on here. Thanks guys. Some very encouraging and wise stuff.

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlackCapnHarlock

too many women do this. Get in the honeymoon stage, then all of a sudden "shut it down."


Why do you think this occurs? I am sure the guy shuts some things down that he was putting into the relationship? Could his shutting down contribute? How much of it is the wife's fault?



SHIFT -> RE: 7 year itch, moods, sex, and the joys of marriage. (4/9/2008 5:10:06 PM)

Sex life in a marriage is like the end of a roller coaster. The best action is right before you get off the coaster and have to wait in line forever to get back on.

Seriously, marriage is awesome for the right folks. There are a lot of reasons why the sex can drop off. My wife was diagnosed within the passed few months as bi-polar. Anti-depression and psych meds kill your sex drive to 0 (just google it). The wife has her moments of wanting it, but it's almost none existent. She's been trying more to keep me pleased and I understand so I do what I can to keep the beast at peace. She did find this all natural medicine that should increase her libido and another that should keep her sane.

I've found that the more you act like kids around each other the happier you tend to be. We joke around a lot in our house and love it. Way better than always being serious.



evryknee -> RE: 7 year itch, moods, sex, and the joys of marriage. (4/10/2008 8:26:25 AM)

Some of it is the male's fault. Often, I hear of the man already "getting the prize" and he stops the romantic stuff, kindness, and the stuff that is more present when dating then in marriage - This is a killer for her wanting to be intimate. For men, sex = intimacy / closeness. For women, it is the romantic part, the talking, sharing emotions, etc. This then may lead to sex. Women are responsive sexually. They are different - Check out the book "For Men Only" by Jeff & Shaunti Feldhahn.



notmycity -> RE: 7 year itch, moods, sex, and the joys of marriage. (4/10/2008 2:20:25 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: willfs

I thought marriage was supposed to be fun but looking at older couples - it doesn't seem that way. My pastor told me personaly that its possible for the love to be better after twenty years than it was on the first day. He seemed pretty sincere.

BTW - is it possible to keep the sex life going or is the vibrant sex a short lived excursion that only happens on special occasions before the decade is out.


Life is sometimes fun, and so is marriage. In the Bible, marriage is clearly about companionship first and foremost:

Gen 2:18
18 And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.

Secondly, marriage is given to avoid fornication:

1 Cor 7:1-2
1 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.
2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.

I married for both companionship and to avoid fornication, as did my wife.

As for the sex, it’s only as good as the genuine love within a marriage. In Ephesians 5, men are commanded to love their wives, so as the man I have the greater responsibility to love. If a man truly loves his wife using 1 Corinthians 13 as the model, his wife will be there for him in the marriage bed.

The problem nowadays (more than ever) is that most people are just too self-centered for a great marriage.

This month Lord willing will be seventeen years of marriage. We love each other more than ever, and yet as we’ve grown older that love isn’t expressed as it was in the beginning. Also, as we age the Lord lowers our sex drives, and most people will notice that the drive is highest during child-bearing years. This is the way God intended it, as He did not intend for people to be as intensely interested in sex for their entire lives.

Viva Viagra? Not for this Christian man. Love your wife, make a covenant with your eyes not to lust after other women, and watch your marital intimacy grow.

His grace to you and yours (Titus 2:11-12).



realist_man -> RE: 7 year itch, moods, sex, and the joys of marriage. (4/15/2008 4:42:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: willfs

Call me paranoid but I kinda have a pessimistic view of marriage. Can anyone help?

I am definitely not trying to knock women. I know I have much to work on. However, the moodiness thing scares me. My mother is pretty mean and moody with my Dad alot. I would hate to live with that but my Dad seems okay. I have heard that women get more moody once they get married. In both my relationships, once she was comfortable with me, she would be lovey dovey one minute and become incredibly rude the next. As a shy guy I dated real aggressive, assertive gals. Once they stopped chasing me and started expecting me to be the man by putting up with their moods I was like, "You are the one who really wanted this. If you are going to treat me that way then I am outa here." Maybe I just haven't met the right girl yet.

I thought marriage was supposed to be fun but looking at older couples - it doesn't seem that way. My pastor told me personaly that its possible for the love to be better after twenty years than it was on the first day. He seemed pretty sincere.

BTW - is it possible to keep the sex life going or is the vibrant sex a short lived excursion that only happens on special occasions before the decade is out.


No, you're not paranoid! But there are some men who somehow seem to enjoy it.



tbrobinson -> RE: 7 year itch, moods, sex, and the joys of marriage. (4/21/2008 9:30:31 AM)

Hmmm. Been married 28 years. My wife is my best friend and soulmate.

She has worked very hard to keep herself looking good and she is as beautiful as the day we walked down the aisle.

Having said that, marriage is what you make of it. It takes work, and if you as the man do not contribute to the growing and nurturing of the relationship, yes you will have some consequences. I know that if do not make her feel special, and loved, she is going to manifest her insecurity. I know that I need to work much much harder on that, that is the weakest link in our marriage, as I am a type hunter "hunter", I get way to focused on providing and not enough on what she needs.

Finally regarding sex. See para above. If she does not feel special, she is not going to want to join in that part of the relationship. Then things spiral downward, and you get comfortable with less romance and all the other things that it brings. I have know 80 year old men and women who still had the spark, and 20 somethings who had lost it.



buckifn -> RE: 7 year itch, moods, sex, and the joys of marriage. (4/21/2008 5:15:58 PM)

Marriage is about as good as the two people involved are willing to make it. There is no 50-50...it is 100% giving all the time.....and if you put selfish desires above the good of your marriage you are in trouble whether it's been 1 year or 50 years.

Sex doesn't begin in the bedroom, esp.for the woman....it's communication, intimacy and trust that builds up the relationship all day long.

In all fairness I have to say it's not just females who are moody. I know men who fly off the handle at the drop of a hat and don't care at all who gets hurt, their wife, their children, anyone within earshot...and some of these men are men in the church too.

wills I would say try choosing a woman who is on the same page as you are spiritually and allow the Holy Spirit to lead you both in every aspect of the relationship. I am very very happy in my marriage and I know God is the reason why. We both depend on Him completely and it makes for a fantastic journey.



denbert -> RE: 7 year itch, moods, sex, and the joys of marriage. (4/21/2008 8:55:34 PM)

-
Yep, what he said.



AslansChild -> RE: 7 year itch, moods, sex, and the joys of marriage. (4/29/2008 2:01:30 PM)

I think I am a typical man. I am saved, married for close to 20 years and have a past (prior to marrige) that set my marrigae up for sexual failure. That being said, when I was dating I spent my time with both Christian and non christian girls. My experiences with the non-christian girls set my expectations. Couple that with exposure to the dreaded "P" and you have a guy entering into the most sacred relationship on earth with really unrealistic expectations...or are they. I was the first man my wife kissed romatically so her expecations were based on other people's advice/experiences. Back when we were married and up until kids we had a very fulfilling sex life. But after kids the frequency and zest took a sharp downturn, we also went through a few experiences (miscarriges/ still birth) that prolonged the time between intamacy. Another situation that occured is that my wife gained a large amount of weight and there is no other way to say this so I will be blunt, I never stopped loving her but I did loose attraction for her, I also think she lost attraction for herself as well. We are now at a place where we are trying to recover some of the intamacy but it's like trying to fit back into a pair of pants you wore in high school, or going out and competing in a sport like back in college. The desire may now be there but the drive isn't.

I think marrige is the hardest commitment in the world and making it through to the point where a couple shows unconditional love to each other is a continous process based on how they live for each other. I liken it to a car starting for a long drive, you need the initial jolt of the sparkplug and the influx of gas to start it up then you drive for a while with a few curves and hills in the road but eventually you get to your destination. Maybe not very poetic but takes into consideration that the honeymoon may be the high point but it's still nice to take the car out on weekends.



alaskadrifter -> RE: 7 year itch, moods, sex, and the joys of marriage. (4/29/2008 8:05:21 PM)

I only read a few post, but I'm getting a feeling that most of you all have a poor outlook on marriage. I know that my parents are more in-love now, than they ever have been before. And they've been married 20 some years now. Sure there have been rough times. But I'm sure (thought I don't really wanna know) that there sex life is great. Not because they tell me, but by how they interact with each other around my brother and I. I am not married, but I'm hoping to be before too long here[;)]. I just know that I want my marriage to by like my parents', if not even better. They have both been great (not perfect) role models.



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