How do you start over? (Full Version)

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Lite4God -> How do you start over? (4/7/2008 9:31:30 PM)

Have you ever had a really bad breakup? One where your heart is in so much pain you can't go forward?
There is no way you can take the other person back. Your heart, however, doesn't feel open to anyone else.

I've been alone for 2 years now. I've met guys since then but none that really interested me.
I would love to fall in love again but think I'm truly afraid. Then, there is a part of me that just feels 'dead'
in the worst way. It's as if I can't feel one way or the other - I just "am".

Will this ever go away? I dont' want to spend my life alone but where does the power to be available
come from?



John_O -> RE: How do you start over? (4/7/2008 10:02:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lite4God

Have you ever had a really bad breakup? One where your heart is in so much pain you can't go forward?
There is no way you can take the other person back. Your heart, however, doesn't feel open to anyone else.

I've been alone for 2 years now. I've met guys since then but none that really interested me.
I would love to fall in love again but think I'm truly afraid. Then, there is a part of me that just feels 'dead'
in the worst way. It's as if I can't feel one way or the other - I just "am".

Will this ever go away? I dont' want to spend my life alone but where does the power to be available
come from?


This may be way out in right field but have you let yourself grieve for the dead relationship?

The reason I ask is that what you describe is very much like what I have gone through (am going through) over the loss of my wife (2 1/2 years ago). Until we grieve the last relationship we won't be ready for the next one. After all, some part of your life died there. Hopes, dream, plans, all have to be discarded and rethought.

You don't mention if it was a divorce or what, but there are some very good programs to help in these things (I believe there is a thread called divorcecare or something like that).

Decide what you want out of life, and then work towards it. There may be fear to overcome. But that's normal. It's hard to open yourself up again after getting hurt.



shemaromans -> RE: How do you start over? (4/7/2008 10:34:55 PM)

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, L4G. Please keep in mind that I'm answering with little to go by concerning your experience. It's difficult to answer since you left out a lot of details (which is more than okay).

John posted some excellent advice and words of wisdom. I'd add that it's also important to find forgiveness for both yourself and your ex. Sometimes we hold onto past hurts because we haven't allowed God to make our hearts forgiving. Granted, it can be a pride-stabbing activity, but it's one that we're commanded to do. One of the bonuses is that you get to see God at work on your character. It's difficult to remain complacent or numb for too long when you see God in action!



Prairiehiker -> RE: How do you start over? (4/7/2008 10:52:41 PM)

You know what, I think you just haven't met a man that you're attracted to. I've seen cases where people lose a relationship and they spend so much time looking back in their last relationship then suddenly they meet someone who makes their heart skips a beat, and boom, they forget all about the last one. And when that happens, you'll wonder why you spent so much time thinking about the last one.

In the meantime, work on what ever issue you had with the last relationship and learn from it. Discard anything that's weighing you down. The less baggage you have, the clearer you'll be able to discern the right person when he comes along.



gaylel1 -> RE: How do you start over? (4/7/2008 11:20:31 PM)

You know, my advice to you is to forgive the person who hurt you, which I hope you did and then ask the Lord to help you move on and not think about the past. Thinking about something which is "already dead" in the first place may affect your future relationship, even your relationship with the Lord.

Just my opinion here....



AlwaysR8chel -> RE: How do you start over? (4/16/2008 2:20:08 PM)

.
.
.
.
....... I've been there.

There is a moment in time where you have to make a conscious decision to let go and move forward.

You must 're-train' your brain not to dwell on the past...

You must press on and into other activities....

The Bible says Jesus heals broken hearts - it's true.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: How do you start over? (4/16/2008 2:22:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AlwaysR8chel

.
.
.
.
....... I've been there.

There is a moment in time where you have to make a conscious decision to let go and move forward.

You must 're-train' your brain not to dwell on the past...

You must press on and into other activities....

The Bible says Jesus heals broken hearts - it's true.


can you (and anyone else) talk a little bit more about this 're-training' process ?



WaitingforBoaz -> RE: How do you start over? (4/16/2008 2:40:49 PM)

Sometimes, we need to forgive God to move on. [8|]





This post is in response to the OP...not the previous post.

Edited for clearity



WalkingwithHim2 -> RE: How do you start over? (4/16/2008 2:58:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: iwillfearnoevil

quote:

ORIGINAL: AlwaysR8chel

.
.
.
.
....... I've been there.

There is a moment in time where you have to make a conscious decision to let go and move forward.

You must 're-train' your brain not to dwell on the past...

You must press on and into other activities....

The Bible says Jesus heals broken hearts - it's true.


can you (and anyone else) talk a little bit more about this 're-training' process ?


In my experience.. I had to make an effort to remember that not all of the time was good. Sometimes after a bad break-up we tend to only remember the good parts of the relationship and not the bad.



J3jamie -> RE: How do you start over? (4/16/2008 3:34:07 PM)

"Lord Heal My Hurts" by Kay Arthur was what helped me when my husband of 5 and half years walked out. Through the devotional, I learned to forgive and move forward.

God does not cause our pain but will use it to refine us. If you give your hurt over to God, he will heal you.

Jeremiah 29:11.

There is freedom in letting go. Hanging on to the past is not God's plan for us.



AlwaysR8chel -> RE: How do you start over? (4/16/2008 3:40:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WalkingwithHim2

In my experience.. I had to make an effort to remember that not all of the time was good. Sometimes after a bad break-up we tend to only remember the good parts of the relationship and not the bad.

.
.
.
...... or vice-versa depending on the situation.

In my case... it's an on-going thing. I live in the same town as several of my 'ex' relationships. I will see one at church.... one driving around... one even came to my office to check up on me. Each one gives me a small pang of hurt in my heart - some more than others.

Forgiveness:
    The 're-training' has MUCH to do with forgiveness....

    Forgiving them for not caring enough, forgiving me for trying too hard when it was time to let go...

    There is freedom in forgiveness.


Habits:
    Sometimes the 're-training' has to do with breaking old habits.

    Maybe now I drive a different way to the grocery store, or maybe I NEVER drive on a certain road again because of the memories there....

    Maybe - I celebrate the relationship by ordering a special ice-cream in his honor.... and as I eat it, I thank the LORD for the time I had with him.... and yes - once again talk to the LORD about forgiveness.

    Maybe.... I create a new tradition..... just for me.


I found out that after every break-up..... I had to 'redefine' who I am... because much of me is part of that other person.

I also found that I had to find something to do with my energy.... and helping people is the best remedy I've found. Ministry was my cup of tea.

The more I focused on ministry and my walk with the LORD.... the easier it was to life my life without him.


I am not the same as I was back then... and I'm thankful. I'm older, stronger and wiser.


Oftentimes I wish I hadn't been in so many relationships...

..... but I'm a die hard.


I believe that finding real love is worth the pain along the way....

My last break-up was just about the breaking point... I was ready to write men off forever.... my heart felt literally dead.

God is good.... and my faith is in Him.


'Re-training' the brain is just a bunch of little conscious decisions
to accept your life as it is and move forward.


Rach



graceingod1 -> RE: How do you start over? (4/16/2008 6:02:01 PM)

Hi, sorry for your situation.
I have been in a similar situation many years ago.
I found that taking some time off really helped.
If you try to move on too quickly there are to many factors that get in the way.

Also, I was lucky to have a loving family that I never felt lonely, or unloved.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: How do you start over? (4/17/2008 9:47:00 AM)

thank you guys for the posts, they were great! i'll definately get that book and like the scripture reference and will have to reread rachels post a few more times to think about it.



J3jamie -> RE: How do you start over? (4/17/2008 11:01:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: iwillfearnoevil

thank you guys for the posts, they were great! i'll definately get that book and like the scripture reference and will have to reread rachels post a few more times to think about it.


I am glad you will get the book. It really helped me with my hurt and anger. There will be time where you will breeze through a section. And others where it will take days to get through a page. Stick with it. God will heal the hurt.



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