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RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? - 4/12/2008 7:51:30 PM
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Dakotasunbeam
Posts: 1146
Joined: 6/2/2005
From: Midwest USA
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Because you are being tempted, I say run from this situation. But for future reference, you need to learn how to control your thoughts and emotions and rein them in with the Word of God. The bible tells us in 2nd Corinthians 10:4-5,
For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through god to the pulling down of strongholds; casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledgeof God, and bringing every thought to the obedience of Christ.
You have to learn to do this, because if you don't you will always be prey to such things. The key as a believer is to grow strong in the faith to be able to "RESIST the devil." The bible says, "Resist the devil and he will flee." Many churches teach a lot about fleeing or avoiding situations, but they do not teach the spiritual tools to actually "RESIST" temptation, control your own emotions/feelings, and monitor your thought life, renew your mind, and exercise SELF-Control. Many Christian men are not taught the ability to truly see women as sisters (and vice versa). The apostles taught this, urging young men to see the young women as sisters, older as mothers. Without learning these essential spiritual tools you will struggle.
Bless you!
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RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? - 4/12/2008 9:06:02 PM
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Dakotasunbeam
Posts: 1146
Joined: 6/2/2005
From: Midwest USA
Status: offline
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quote:
What do you think?
I think . . . you should admit that you were attracted to him and boundaries were crossed on both sides.
This:
quote:
Someone took advantage of my heart because I was new to the culture.
I think you should be honest with yourself. You were attracted to him and he was attracted to you. You were not taken advantage of because you were learning a culture. You were not taken advantage of at all. The key to overcoming in this area is to be real. Admit.
There is nothing wrong with being attracted to any man, latino, caucasian, african, asian, native american. It's what we humans do with our mind, heart and bodies that makes stuff become sinful and dirty. Sin causes us to take that a step further--otherwise known as crossing a boundary. We first cross boundaries in our mind. We start to think about that person A LOT. We start spending A LOT of time with that person. You have to take every thought captive unto Christ. That means being really open and honest about how you really feel. There is no way to live a victorious life in Christ in thought and deed without being honest about how you feel, your motives and thoughts.
Maybe even admitting, "Hey, I'm VERY attracted to latino men." A doctor cannot cure you if you will not tell him where it hurts or be honest about the symptoms you are experiencing. And with God, this is key. It's not enough that He knows our thoughts, we have to be honest with Him.
The first thing to do is admit, "Hey, I was/am attracted to this guy and he didn't take advantage of me." This gets you on the road to recovery and health. Lay the blame where it squarely lies. As Christians we are taught to be accountable for our actions from the very start, as Jesus Christ tells us to "repent." That means admitting that we are responsible for our sins (not the devil made me do it), and that we have determined to make a 180 degree turn to follow Christ and do what is necessary to rectify things.
This is something pastors must begin to teach believers. There is nothing inherently wrong with finding another individual attractive. But we have to learn how to take captive our thoughts, actions, and will. We have to examine our motives in our interactions with people and be really really brutally honest with ourselves.
This did not happen because you worked with Latinos. This happened because you worked with other human beings wrapped in sinful flesh like you and I.
quote:
I think this friendship of mine crossed some emotional lines and God protected me because He has a higher calling and plan for our lives. We are responsible for ourselves. No one can force you to be attracted to them. I've had married men seek me out, and I've shut them out completely. It's a choice. Your statements make it as though you were helpless to defend yourself. You're an adult and so is he. He didn't hold a gun to your head and force you to like him.
Many times there are broken places in marriages that are only intensified in certain situations. Unresolved issues, selfishness, apathy, etc. etc. in marriages are what "cause" physical and emotional affairs. Husband is ignoring wife, wife is too busy for hubby. The list goes on.
While we cannot control what someone else can do, we can control what we will do and how we will respond. We will either respond from sinful selfish flesh, or we will respond from the fruit of a well-fed and nourished spirit built up on our most holy faith and the Word of God.
Granted, there needs to be extensive teaching in the church on this aspect of self-control. Avoidance is not enough.
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RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? - 4/13/2008 12:06:58 AM
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redtulip
Posts: 61
Joined: 3/9/2008
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I must agree with pretty much everyone here. You need to place a considerable distance between this woman and yourself. Obviously you both care for each other, so I don't think you need to completely break off all ties to her, switch churches or get a new job. You just need to distance yourself. You guys are close and you have a history - you can't just throw that away, but if you continue to keep moving towards her emotionally, it can only end in disaster. Think about this, if she were your wife and some other guy had the relationship and feelings for her that you do, what would you want him to do?
(edited for grammar!)
< Message edited by redtulip -- 4/13/2008 12:13:03 AM >
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RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? - 4/13/2008 1:42:02 AM
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lil_gringa
Posts: 757
Status: offline
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Dakotasunbeam,
First of all, I never denied an attraction. That has nothing to do with what a pastor is or isn't teaching and don't blame the pastors for other people's sins...what a cop out! I think that it's natural for people to be attracted to each other. It's God that helps us to exercise a fruit of the spirit called SELF CONTROL! That, I did. I don't have any contact with this person like I did on a weekly basis before. I used to go and visit them once a month but after our campaigns together last year I quit going. He was so mean to me, it's a story. Afterwards he said he was sorry and he loves me so much. This was in the presence of another team member. But he'd told both me and my husband that he needed to focus on his church now and that would be his last campaign with us. SO, I quit nurturing the relationship. Once I sent an encouraging email and he was short with me so I got the drift that he was cutting it off. I just kept giving him chances to change.
What I was trying to figure out is if you all could read by what I wrote that yes, thank God this person is out of your lives because it's obvious to us that there was an emotional affair. That's what I'm asking. It's one of those ????? Was it or not? When people are that close, it's hard to tell especially here. There are no personal space boundaries here. It is different. Men and women greet each other with a kiss, that's not normal in the states! It's ok and some people do but we MAY extend a hand. There is very little touching where here there is a lot of touching. Standing in line at the grocery store a stranger will stand so close that they are touching your arm or other parts of your body. There is another thing with eye contact here. Body gestures and showing emotion. To communicate Latin you act like a kid! That's the best way to describe it. Don't tell me that there isn't a difference, there IS! Have you worked with Latins? Are you a Latin that you could throw such advice loosely around? Obviously I was admitting that I felt boundaries were possibly crossed otherwise I wouldn't have known to write it. How do you know that I didn't repent? Shame on you for judging me and assuming I didn't! You judged me without further questions, bad counsel man! Go back to school. You have no idea of the process that I've been through and a lovely book called, "Total Forgiveness" by R.T. Kendall may help those who have been hurt or wronged.
I was curious if others with experience with Latinos could see if I missed something but I don't think so. What made it harder to tell was watching him interact with other women. He basically would treat some women the same way as me and that's why I thought perhaps it was just me. But if it was, and I maintained my leadership role, then why is he now mean to me? His wife wants to get together but nothing has changed, she can call. She sees you and in the moment wants to know when but never calls. That's Latin!
< Message edited by funny_girl -- 4/13/2008 1:55:52 AM >
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RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? - 4/13/2008 2:06:27 AM
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FaithLegacy
Posts: 26
Joined: 4/9/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 4theLord
@everyone
Thank you so much for your answers. I am becoming very attached to this person and she is already now. My boundaries are that I don' t want to spent too much time with only one person and I don't want to feel attracted to someone that I want to see like a sister. I haven't done anything appropriate with her. I simply want to protect myself and her relationship. She tries at maximum to respect me. I have described my fears to her and she says that it is only my problem cause she sees me only as a friend and I trust her. Maybe I am not emotionally mature as her. I am realizing that it will be very hard for me in the future to handle this situation in the future.
But I don't wanna break her heart or feelings cause we already have been supportive to each other in many cases. She don't wanna lose my friendship. I am praying on all this. It is so easy to destroy a friendship and so hard to keep it.
I agree with some of the others. I understand you have been friends for life. But, in the purpose driven book it says the more you focus on avoiding a temptation the deeper it takes root. You gotta change your mind. Find something other then her and her life to focus on. Even though the feelings are there. You cant deny the feelings but you can choose to distract them. The bible also says if one your body part causes you to sin its better to cut it off. So basically, I am saying its time for you find another friend. You dont want to be responisble for hurting her marriage. And if you already crossed some lines mentally or physically this is a clue you need to get out fast. And the fact that you have to ask is another indicator that its not right. Peace in all circumstances comes from God and I can kind of see you dont have peace. I know it hard but God will not give you anything you cant handle. You can do it if you choose to.
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RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? - 4/13/2008 2:36:11 AM
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FaithLegacy
Posts: 26
Joined: 4/9/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: funny_girl
Dakotasunbeam,
First of all, I never denied an attraction. That has nothing to do with what a pastor is or isn't teaching and don't blame the pastors for other people's sins...what a cop out! I think that it's natural for people to be attracted to each other. It's God that helps us to exercise a fruit of the spirit called SELF CONTROL! That, I did. I don't have any contact with this person like I did on a weekly basis before. I used to go and visit them once a month but after our campaigns together last year I quit going. He was so mean to me, it's a story. Afterwards he said he was sorry and he loves me so much. This was in the presence of another team member. But he'd told both me and my husband that he needed to focus on his church now and that would be his last campaign with us. SO, I quit nurturing the relationship. Once I sent an encouraging email and he was short with me so I got the drift that he was cutting it off. I just kept giving him chances to change.
What I was trying to figure out is if you all could read by what I wrote that yes, thank God this person is out of your lives because it's obvious to us that there was an emotional affair. That's what I'm asking. It's one of those ????? Was it or not? When people are that close, it's hard to tell especially here. There are no personal space boundaries here. It is different. Men and women greet each other with a kiss, that's not normal in the states! It's ok and some people do but we MAY extend a hand. There is very little touching where here there is a lot of touching. Standing in line at the grocery store a stranger will stand so close that they are touching your arm or other parts of your body. There is another thing with eye contact here. Body gestures and showing emotion. To communicate Latin you act like a kid! That's the best way to describe it. Don't tell me that there isn't a difference, there IS! Have you worked with Latins? Are you a Latin that you could throw such advice loosely around? Obviously I was admitting that I felt boundaries were possibly crossed otherwise I wouldn't have known to write it. How do you know that I didn't repent? Shame on you for judging me and assuming I didn't! You judged me without further questions, bad counsel man! Go back to school. You have no idea of the process that I've been through and a lovely book called, "Total Forgiveness" by R.T. Kendall may help those who have been hurt or wronged.
I was curious if others with experience with Latinos could see if I missed something but I don't think so. What made it harder to tell was watching him interact with other women. He basically would treat some women the same way as me and that's why I thought perhaps it was just me. But if it was, and I maintained my leadership role, then why is he now mean to me? His wife wants to get together but nothing has changed, she can call. She sees you and in the moment wants to know when but never calls. That's Latin!
In defense to the man you are speaking too. You were not very clear in your statement. In reference to your comment about you never denied being attracted. Actually, you never said you were. I dont think he was judging you. I would have possibly thought the same thing until reading this portion of your comment. It seemed you were not taking responsiblity for your part. Maybe that isnt true but it was how it seemed in your first comment. As Christians if we feel wronged we dont slander the other person we feel insulted by. The fact he cared to respond honestly is wonderful. Most be people wouldnt care. Be careful in our words to our brothers and sisters in Christ Esp. in public. I also think its wise to be careful in putting down Lationo's. You may think you are not, but being part latin I find it very judgemental the way you direct them. I'm not trying to gang up on you. But we must remember life and death is in the power of the tongue.
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RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? - 4/13/2008 7:25:05 AM
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rainbow87123
Posts: 8
Status: offline
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quote:
Best friend of the opposite sex? is it possible?
If you were both single--yes. There would be no problems being best friends with this woman. I believe if you were both single and the conditions were right however, you wouldn't remain platonic friends for long and you would probably date eachother because you speak of attraction and her missing you. If you are attracted to someone you can't have a truly platonic relationship.
Just because she says she doesn't see you as more than a friend, that doesn't mean thats true. Actions speak louder than words. I am in agreement with everyone else here. You should find your own gf/wife.
what goes around comes around...If you take your attention away from this woman long enough to find your own wife, maybe oneday your own wife will make another guy her best friend and you will feel what's it like to be this woman's husband.
< Message edited by rainbow87123 -- 4/13/2008 3:53:09 PM >
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RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? - 4/13/2008 10:37:32 AM
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lil_gringa
Posts: 757
Status: offline
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quote:
I also think its wise to be careful in putting down Lationo's.
FaithLegacy, I wasn't putting down Latinos. If you didn't grow up in your culture you probably don't understand it. I LOVE Latino's and that isn't an insult to use Latino or mention something that they do. If you were brought up in a different culture that didn't do these things you'd think it strange to adjust to. Obviously, this wasn't the thread to talk about this with inexperienced persons. There is a need for a good thread for missionaries because if you haven't experienced it, you can't relate or understand.
Ask questions before judging, as was stated, gather information to make clear before giving advice. The woman who responded was clearly passing judgment on me. She didn't say, it sounds like, is that what you mean? What I am gathering is this, which makes me think this. That isn't passing judgment but giving your thoughts. See the difference? Yes, everyone needs to realize that on a forum, it's hard to pick up body gestures, tones, sarcasm, and feelings that we use to communicate.
< Message edited by funny_girl -- 4/13/2008 10:43:47 AM >
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RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? - 4/13/2008 11:56:16 AM
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keepitreal
Posts: 52
Joined: 12/21/2007
Status: offline
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To the OP
Get away from her. Your friendship has already crossed over the boundaries and needs to be completely ended now. It may be painful, but it will be the best for everyone!
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RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? - 4/13/2008 10:18:13 PM
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ladioffaith
Posts: 2819
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: NE Ohio (L.A. . . Lower Akron)
Status: offline
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I have LOTS of friends who are guys.
HOWEVER ... we are ALL single, and one of those friends is not attracted to women.
If one of us were to marry, the friendship would change, to say the least.
Back off. You can be friends at a distance.
If you say anything to her that you wouldn't say in front of her husband, you've crossed the line.
_____________________________
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with
his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zeph. 3:17
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
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RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? - 4/14/2008 1:51:01 AM
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FaithLegacy
Posts: 26
Joined: 4/9/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: funny_girl
quote:
I also think its wise to be careful in putting down Lationo's.
FaithLegacy, I wasn't putting down Latinos. If you didn't grow up in your culture you probably don't understand it. I LOVE Latino's and that isn't an insult to use Latino or mention something that they do. If you were brought up in a different culture that didn't do these things you'd think it strange to adjust to. Obviously, this wasn't the thread to talk about this with inexperienced persons. There is a need for a good thread for missionaries because if you haven't experienced it, you can't relate or understand.
Ask questions before judging, as was stated, gather information to make clear before giving advice. The woman who responded was clearly passing judgment on me. She didn't say, it sounds like, is that what you mean? What I am gathering is this, which makes me think this. That isn't passing judgment but giving your thoughts. See the difference? Yes, everyone needs to realize that on a forum, it's hard to pick up body gestures, tones, sarcasm, and feelings that we use to communicate.
Yes, it is hard to pick up body gestures, tones,sarcasm, and feelings that we use to communicate when using blogs. Thats why its very important that we are careful in explaining ourselves. The information was gather from your first comment but you just werent clear. You left out some stuff. If you would have said plain and simple I was attracted to this Latin man then there would be no need for the response of the other person. You are very quick to say we are inexperienced people. It seems that you are the one judging and also disrespecting. You see its not what you say it how you say it. AS for me being Latina you again are judging me by assuming I didn't grow up in the culture when I actually did. I am aware of the fun loving people we are. But, I am also responsible for allowing my fun loving people to know what boundries to cross. Because, I do know them I make an effort to say hey I am not comfortable with you always doing this or that.
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RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? - 4/14/2008 3:07:17 AM
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lil_gringa
Posts: 757
Status: offline
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pues, disculpa, FaithLegacy, Estoy un poco sorprendida con su respuesta pero ya, no importa. No le conosco y me siento que no me entiende. La verdad es que me siento mas frustrada con eso foro que lo demas porque nadie puede contestarme en una manera con una respuesta que sierve. A mi, mejor si puede contestarme sobre mi preocupacion que defender si misma. Tengo dudas que es quien lo que me diga es porque una latina no va a constarme así. No manches, es gringa!
< Message edited by funny_girl -- 4/14/2008 10:37:52 AM >
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RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? - 4/14/2008 5:11:18 PM
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Dakotasunbeam
Posts: 1146
Joined: 6/2/2005
From: Midwest USA
Status: offline
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Funny,
first of all, I'm sorry if I offended you and you thought I was being judgemental. Offense was not my intent--nor judgement, rather, health. As I understand it, we cannot make inroads in any condition without being completely honest with ourselves. And sometimes this is difficult, because it means admitting things we may not be too proud of. I do not believe in dancing around an issue, when healing and moving on sounds MUCH better. I try to be as frank and open with myself and God too. It has delivered me from many things and given me much freedom.
So, on to your post:
quote:
That has nothing to do with what a pastor is or isn't teaching and don't blame the pastors for other people's sins...what a cop out! I think that it's natural for people to be attracted to each other. Teachers of the word of God will teach the word of God so that believers can use it in practical ways. God would not have ordained teachers/pastors if there was no need. The Bible gives us a picture of how they function. I see far too many people just trying to "avoid" stuff rather than work on their own heart. Many christians do not know how to do that. It'd be helpful if they had a teacher/pastor to show them how.
quote:
What I was trying to figure out is if you all could read by what I wrote that yes, thank God this person is out of your lives because it's obvious to us that there was an emotional affair. That's what I'm asking. It's one of those ????? Was it or not? For all intents and purposes it does look like an emotional affair. But only you know that for sure. Only you can honestly stand in front of a mirror or God and look yourself in the eye and know if you were courting an emotional affair.
quote:
Have you worked with Latins? Yes, extensively. I've also worked with almost every kind of race that God has made . . . and ya know what? Although there are cultural eccentricities--the one thing I've found, is how much they are all alike. Same motives, same sin.
quote:
Are you a Latin that you could throw such advice loosely around? No, I'm not latin.
Incidentally, you can carry on an emotional affair without the other person being involved. Remember, the Bible says its not that which goes into a man that defiles him, it is what comes out. Only you know what you are thinking and feelings. If we look on someone to lust, we've already committed adultery in our heart. We may not be able to know the intents of another individual, but we can know our own. We may not be able to control the behavior of another individual, but we can control our own. That is why, culture, behavior, environment means nothing. God isn't going to ask us about the culture, environment, etc. He's gonna ask about what WE did and OUR intentions.
quote:
How do you know that I didn't repent?
I don't, and I never said you didn't.
Sorry if I misunderstood, but, your posts and grievances about this guy do come across somewhat like a girl who broke up with her boyfriend. I hope you're not offended, but I do think you should take a step back and examine what you experienced and ask yourself some tough questions. It might also help to read your own posts. It doesn't seem this issue is quite resolved in your life and there may still be some real attachments there.
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RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? - 4/14/2008 6:06:11 PM
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lil_gringa
Posts: 757
Status: offline
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quote:
but I do think you should take a step back and examine what you experienced and ask yourself some tough questions. It might also help to read your own posts. It doesn't seem this issue is quite resolved in your life and there may still be some real attachments there..
1. but I do think you should take a step back and examine what you experienced and ask yourself some tough questions. You’re doing it again. If I wasn’t still examining it, I wouldn’t have brought it up.
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RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? - 4/14/2008 6:09:31 PM
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lil_gringa
Posts: 757
Status: offline
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I'm friends with one other missionary family that is just as crazy as we are and my girlfriend had the same emotional problems as I do with my first musicians. She too said that when they moved here from down south and her first team didn't end up following and staying that she'd cry herself to sleep, just like me. Moving to a new culture is like being born again and the first family you see is YOUR FAMILY! There's no other way to explain the bond that we have. We were all extremely close
I'm leery about continuing this thread here but thanks for coming back as I too think it’d be nice for you to re examine your first post to me.
Let's shake hands and go on, eh?
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RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? - 4/14/2008 7:25:59 PM
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Konstantinos
Posts: 8520
Joined: 4/14/2005
From: Greece Thessaloniki
Status: offline
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quote:
Hello there,
Has anyone tried to have his/her best friend someone from the opposite sex? I am in a situation that right now it is happening but I am loosing my ground and behaving out my boundaries. We are really good friends and we really take care of each other. But we spent too much time together and this is what I don't like although i spent a pleasent time with her.
She is married and I am single and somehow her husband accepts our friendship although I believe he is not comfortable with this situation.
What do u suggest to me or on this topic?
my best friend is 32, and shes married and im almost 20. her husband is fine with it and hes a friend of mine too, and im sure if we talked more we'd become great friends, since hes so much like me. ive known her for about 1.5 years now only. oh and im her best friend too.. after her husband.
anyway, i used to have a crush on my friend. i tried to ignore it totally, i didnt even tell her in case she would feel uncomfortable then. nothing bad happened or anything, eventually i got over her and now i know whats it like to be so close to someone of the opposite gender and be just friends. and its quite awesome to know now that ill never have a crush on her again and ill just see her the way i should. it was so annoying to have a crush on her.
oh and btw, shes awesome.
_____________________________
I'm best friends with the boogie man.
I'm a beast.
I'm a HH.
Tiger hug.
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RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? - 4/14/2008 9:18:23 PM
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lil_gringa
Posts: 757
Status: offline
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You're a sweetie Twitch! I completely understand you! You're pretty awesome too!
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RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? - 4/15/2008 4:02:47 PM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 2127
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Konstantinos
anyway, i used to have a crush on my friend. i tried to ignore it totally, i didnt even tell her in case she would feel uncomfortable then.
4theLord - way to go by posting here! you may have saved a marriage. i think you are right by realizing it may be too far when the possibility/thought of cutting back on spending time together causes distress on one of the people. this will give the wife the opportunity to become better friends with her husband. it's no fair you are getting to make all the deposits into her love bank while he is busy working, etc. you are so awesome man, i realize this probably isn't easy for you to do and you may be sad at first but that is normal for a break like this. i think you are a hero though!
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RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? - 4/16/2008 10:17:40 AM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 2127
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
Status: online
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kon - i quoted you but edited my post to take out any comments i was making regarding your quote and only directed my response to OP and forgot to fix the quote part (oops). however if you check out marriage forums, you might be surprised age plays little factor in affairs since affairs are based in fantasy land and not reality. yes and even among best friends. and yes even among people who would be considered faithful Christians. and yes most people think it won't happen to them.
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Oh my, I've never been so attached in my life to as I am to these band members. All of them are so precious to me. I love and adore them to pieces and they know it! Everyone that knows me knows it including my family. This is why I think it's important to have a missionary forum because unless you’ve experience this, you can’t understand. I wouldn’t have understood it unless I’d gone through it.
