eHarmony advice: How to navigate the one night stand (Full Version)

All Forums >> [People] >> Singles



Message

lpt -> eHarmony advice: How to navigate the one night stand (4/17/2008 12:22:30 PM)

Though they advertise on many Christian websites, eHarmony is decidedly not a Christian matching service. And as shown by advice they have given recently, they are no longer even "Christian-friendly."

In a recent eHarmony advice column, "Navigating the One Night Stand," they affirm pre-maritcal sex, going on to discuss the best ways to enjoy entanglement-free, "near-anonymous" one night stands:

quote:

"If you are up for it, you can enjoy a romp with Mr. or Ms. Right-for-the-night. But when you find yourself in a position to get lucky, you should heed a few rendezvous rules to ensure a seamless one-night-only performance."


The eHarmony article goes on:

quote:

"As consenting adults, it’s absolutely fine for both of you to do what makes you happy. The key is to make your intentions clear with your date and call it what it is: sex with no strings attached."


The article goes on to provide advice for those who wish to engage in a one night stand. Here's one nugget:

quote:

"One-nighters need not call or check up on the whereabouts of the person they shared the evening with. Acting as if your near-anonymous night of passion was a first date will just confuse sex with love. Don’t let desperation lead you to dialing and turn you into a lovesick fool."


I was stunned to find this counsel provided by eHarmony and apparently blessed by Neil Clark Warren, a professing Christian. By affirming casual sex with near-strangers, they are showing that they care more about making money than about helping people marry well. Ah, the Bible once again proves itself relevant when it says that the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil.

I'm married, and so I don't use this service. But if I were single and a member of eHarmony, I'd think long and hard about whether to drop them in favor of a matching service more concerned about the health of my relationships than about money. And if I were editor of a publication that allows eHarmony ads, I would do what I could to disassociate with them and drop their ads.



rgod -> RE: eHarmony advice: How to navigate the one night stand (4/17/2008 1:01:28 PM)

quote:

I'm married, and so I don't use this service. But if I were single and a member of eHarmony, I'd think long and hard about whether to drop them in favor of a matching service more concerned about the health of my relationships than about money.


(lpt - I've edited this because I came across more strongly than I intended. Here is the final version.)

I'm having problems understanding why as a married person would take the time to come to the singles forum and give advice about which dating service a single person should or should not be part of? I don't know if you are aware of this, but singles are often given lots of advice married people who approach singlehood almost theoretically. Imagine for example, how you would feel if a single person, went to the married folder and started telling you that you should not be involved with a particular marriage ministry, that was helpful to you and to those you knew, because of an article on their website? It is easy for these types of posts to come across as being condemning and frankly condescending, particularly when recommendations come from people who are not in the same situation.

I'm not disagreeing with you on certain aspects of eharmony. It is not a Christian site. I don't think anyone is under that impression anymore. Other christian sites often contain some questionable people. But many singles choose eharmony because there are a high percentage of marriage-minded Christians there. The decision that they make be part of it, continue, or discontinue is between them and God, not an external observer who has decided to post an opinion on a topic that they are not personally involved in.

Again, I'm not disagreeing with the facts you stated, but I fail to understand your motivation for posting this and giving unsolicited advice here. If I've misconstrued something however, I'd be happy to hear you out.

rgod



J3jamie -> RE: eHarmony advice: How to navigate the one night stand (4/17/2008 1:21:43 PM)

Thank you RGod.

I could not have said it better.



lpt -> RE: eHarmony advice: How to navigate the one night stand (4/17/2008 1:22:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: rgod

quote:

I'm married, and so I don't use this service. But if I were single and a member of eHarmony, I'd think long and hard about whether to drop them in favor of a matching service more concerned about the health of my relationships than about money.


Why would you, as a married person, take the time to come to the singles forum and dispense advice on what online service a single person should or should not be part of? What is the purpose of this? Is it to condemn people? Singles are lectured constantly by married people who approach singlehood theoretically. How would you feel if I, as a single person, went to the married folder and started telling you that you should not be involved with a particular marriage ministry, that was helpful to you and to those you knew, because of an article on their website? Or if I, who do not have children, started telling you to never listen to Jim Dobson because of something that he said? (I don't know of anything - I'm just stating a hypothetical situation). Wouldn't you find me to be a bit presumptuous or the very least, not credible?

I'm not disagreeing with you on certain aspects of eharmony. It is not a Christian site. I don't think anyone is under that impression anymore. Christian sites often contain some questionable people. But many singles choose eharmony because there are a high percentage of marriage-minded Christians there. The decision that they make be part of it, continue, or discontinue is between them and God, not an external observer who has decided to post an opinion on a topic that they are not personally involved in.

I'm sorry to come across so strongly, but this kind of unsolicited theoretical advice can be grating. And when you post an opinion, others will respond. I'm sure I'll get responses as well since I've stated my opinion so strongly. Again, I'm not disagreeing with the facts you stated, but I really question your motivation for posting this and giving unsolicited advice here. If I've misconstrued something however, I'd be happy to hear you out.

rgod


rgod -- you've got me all wrong. I don't see how you could have gotten that I'd "condemn" anyone from what I wrote. Please click on my profile to see why I have an interest in issues relevant to single adults.

My motivations are to hear what singles think of eHarmony in light of the advice they're giving. I'm hoping to hear feedback on that, not on my particular writing style.

Whew. This thread has started out pretty rough....



lpt -> RE: eHarmony advice: How to navigate the one night stand (4/17/2008 1:27:45 PM)

I need to add, rgod, that I was giving no advice. I simply stated that if I, Ted Slater, were a member of eHarmony, I would consider dropping them. Please don't take that as my saying that all Christian singles should drop them. I'm only speaking for myself.

Whew, internet-mediated communication is so easily misunderstood....

Back to my question: What do y'all think of eHarmony's giving advice about how to have a "successful" one night stand? I, for one, was stunned to hear that they're providing such counsel.

Another question just came to mind, rgod: Is what I say irrelevant because I'm now married? I was single for 36 years of my life, FWIW....



rgod -> RE: eHarmony advice: How to navigate the one night stand (4/17/2008 1:29:21 PM)

lpt -

Sorry - I realized that I came off too strongly and I tried to edit the post before you read it, but I was too slow. I think that this is a bit of a sensitive topic for me as I've had to deal with insensitivity on the part of many married folks for a little while now on a variety of issues. I think that after working with quite a few people who were insensitive towards single people at church left me very wary and a bit defensive in this area. I don't mind advice from married people, but it is difficult sometimes hearing advice from someone who was married from a very early age since a lot of it tends to be theoretical. As this is not the case and you have experience being single, I do apologize. (Actually I would have apologized even if you had no experience since I felt that I worded it too strongly). I think that I jumped the gun here and probably should have asked more questions. So I ask for your forgiveness. I also really appreciate your interest in single adults and will read your background information.

To answer your question ... after about a month or so, I've found that there are a number of things that I don't like about eharmony and I will not be reupping once my contract runs out. I know that they are not a Christian site, but did join because I felt that there would be a number of Christian singles there who were looking for marriage. I'm actually not finding that to be the case and I am getting strange matches. I don't like some of the articles; I did see the title of the article for the one-night stand and did not read it. I am very disappointed that they'd have an article like that there, but recognize that because this is not a Christian site anymore that they are going to give secular advice. There are a few "Christian" sites out there that are a bit better and I'll probably stick with those. I've decided not to list on any more secular sites because there aren't enough Christians there, and even if they profess Christ they tend to be sketchy. I do agree that if a Christian site or station was looking for ad revenue and they only wanted to endorse Christian products, that eharmony is probably not the way to go; but again, each site has to make a decision about who they will accept revenue from (only christian or christian and non-christian). There are several other services that are professing Christian sites that would be a better fit.

rgod



Tinkerbell_ -> RE: eHarmony advice: How to navigate the one night stand (4/17/2008 1:32:39 PM)

With eHarmony being a more 'secular' site than it used to be, I can certainly see the concern. You, lpt, have done a lot of people a great service by alerting us of such advice on the site, especially those who haven't decided to use said services. I personally haven't been on eHarmony in many months, but when I was on there I rarely read the articles. I don't know if it would make me leave the site, but it would definitely make me reconsider joining it.



lpt -> RE: eHarmony advice: How to navigate the one night stand (4/17/2008 1:37:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: rgod

lpt -

Sorry - I realized that I came off too strongly and I tried to edit the post before you read it, but I was too slow. I think that this is a bit of a sensitive topic for me as I've had to deal with insensitivity on the part of many married folks for a little while now on a variety of issues. I don't mind advice from married people, but it is difficult sometimes hearing advice from someone who was married from a very early age since a lot of it tends to be theoretical. As this is not the case and you have experience being single, I do apologize. (Actually I would have apologized even if you had no experience). I think that I jumped the gun here and probably should have asked more questions. I also really appreciate your interest in single adults and will read your background information.

To answer your question ..

rgod


Thank you, rgod, for the clarification. I do understand your sensitivity to how singles are often denigrated, usually unintentionally, simply because they're single. I've seen too much of it as someone involved with singles ministry, and don't want to contribute to it. I continue to learn how to be more gracious in what I write about and how I write it.



Focusing -> RE: eHarmony advice: How to navigate the one night stand (4/17/2008 1:58:12 PM)

I think it's good to be made aware of what a so-called *Christian* dating service is saying. (Even if they only previously referred to themselves as such, and I thought that's how they were still marketing themselves ... see how closely I pay attention to them?)

Of course, you are talking to someone who used CrossWalk for their Bible Study Tools for several years, and only last year realized they had this forum. LOL

I'm really disappointed that eHarmony would choose to go that route. Perhaps someone should quote the Bible for Mr. Warren ... For the love of money is a root of all sorts of evil ... 1 Tim 6:10.

How very sad [&o]




And, just a little thought based on the conversation thus far, I think sometimes married folks can give good advice to us singles seeking a mate for the simple reason that they have that insight into the marriage relationship ... and also that single folks can sometimes give married folks insight that they haven't considered. Maybe it all has to do with perspective ... sometimes we can lose sight of the forest because there are too many trees blocking the view. [sm=aside.gif]

(been there done that)



rgod -> RE: eHarmony advice: How to navigate the one night stand (4/17/2008 2:06:01 PM)

quote:

And, just a little thought based on the conversation thus far, I think sometimes married folks can give good advice to us singles seeking a mate for the simple reason that they have that insight into the marriage relationship ... and also that single folks can sometimes give married folks insight that they haven't considered. Maybe it all has to do with perspective ... sometimes we can lose sight of the forest because there are too many trees blocking the view.


Focusing, yes, I agree with you there. Sometimes there is good advice there. I think for me the issue has been when a person who hasn't really been single wants to tell me how to be single. But, in this exchange, I'm thinking that perhaps that is a personal thing that I need to approach the Lord about. After all, God's wisdom is not limited; he can speak through anyone, young, old, married, single, male, or female. I like the metaphor of the forest and trees - I agree that a different perspective can provide immense insight. Perhaps I need to look more closely at the message and not the messenger ...

rgod



azroadrunner -> RE: eHarmony advice: How to navigate the one night stand (4/17/2008 7:38:16 PM)

I completely agree with you, lpt. I was shocked when I saw that article, but it's not the only one of its kind. Here is another article on how to look great while having sleepovers with your boyfriend. These articles are not just for members -- they are available to everyone. I think this trend is very disturbing because even though e-Harmony is no longer considered a Christian dating service, Dr. Warren is at least nominally a Christian, so his endorsement of these articles is very misleading at best.



trainfan -> RE: eHarmony advice: How to navigate the one night stand (4/17/2008 8:15:50 PM)

quote:

You, lpt, have done a lot of people a great service by alerting us of such advice on the site, especially those who haven't decided to use said services.


Ditto, thanks LPT for pointing that out.



ladioffaith -> RE: eHarmony advice: How to navigate the one night stand (4/17/2008 10:40:40 PM)

OK, a preliminary reminder .. married people don't bite and are allowed, on occaision, to post in this folder.

Thanks for the link.

I've steered clear of them ever since my experience with "disappearing man" who ran like the wind the second I posted a photo ... but thanks for your post!



chemdude77 -> RE: eHarmony advice: How to navigate the one night stand (4/17/2008 11:09:23 PM)

I see Neil Clark Warren's face on every channel every day (from ESPN to Com Central to Spike to FSN). He hypes E-Harmony, telling us about their specialized compatibility matrix (my words not his).

Another online service is now advertising the fact that EH rejects over 1 million applicants.

Apparently, they don't reject folks who want to sleep around. In the words of Cyndi Lauper, 'Money Changes Everything'. [:@]



Dakotasunbeam -> RE: eHarmony advice: How to navigate the one night stand (4/17/2008 11:28:58 PM)

Wow! [sm=icon_smile_yikes.gif]



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: eHarmony advice: How to navigate the one night stand (4/18/2008 10:51:26 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lpt
But if I were single and a member of eHarmony, I'd think long and hard about whether to drop them in favor of a matching service more concerned about the health of my relationships than about money.


Ted - I vaguely seem to recall you posting another negatives about eHarmony previously here or elsewhere. what do you recommend for a matching service more concerned about the health of our relationships than money. i've yet to see any free Christian dating sites with an active membership but am not experienced in this area.



lpt -> RE: eHarmony advice: How to navigate the one night stand (4/18/2008 10:52:11 AM)

The advice column has been removed by eHarmony, likely because we at Focus on the Family have drawn attention to it here, on our blog and on the Family News in Focus radio program.

The column is still available via Google cache.

I notice that Crosswalk's Singles Channel and Christianity Today's Singles Channel are both "sponsored" by eHarmony. They're in a difficult position to speak on this matter, being in such a partnership. FWIW, neither Boundless nor Focus on the Family receive advertising money from eHarmony. Perhaps that's why we're able to speak candidly about it....



Prairiehiker -> RE: eHarmony advice: How to navigate the one night stand (4/18/2008 11:09:42 AM)

I've read some of Warren's books on dating. His personal values are based on his Christian faith but he doesn't impose them on any members that join his dating site or people that reads his books. He runs a business. Even though it was originally viewed as a faith-base site, it is not anymore. He doesn't advertise it as such. What he advertise is that marriage base on compatibility is more likely to survive and thrive and be successful compare to marriages based on two incompatible people. It's the same for Christian or non Christian marriages. Two Christians does not necessarily make a good marriage because there's other factors that affects marriages; not just faith.

A lot of faith base (Christian faith) org are distancing themselves from E harmony because of the way E has been opening it's doors to a wider market. Hey, people that do not belong to our faith wants to connect with other people too. And though a lot of people clearly do not follow our rules for dating, we should not expect them too as they don't have the same belief as we do.

If you're on E and was given a match, read his/her profile and see if his Christian faith and values jump out from his profile. Those should be very evident when you skim someone's profile and if they are not, then they probably aren't practicing Christ followers. If not, just click and say "next". Let's not waste too much time criticising the dating site. It's just a medium for meeting people.



benelchi -> RE: eHarmony advice: How to navigate the one night stand (4/18/2008 11:44:23 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: rgod

There are a few "Christian" sites out there that are a bit better and I'll probably stick with those. I've decided not to list on any more secular sites because there aren't enough Christians there, and even if they profess Christ they tend to be sketchy. I do agree that if a Christian site or station was looking for ad revenue and they only wanted to endorse Christian products, that eharmony is probably not the way to go; but again, each site has to make a decision about who they will accept revenue from (only christian or christian and non-christian). There are several other services that are professing Christian sites that would be a better fit.

rgod



My personal experience tells me that none of these sites "Christian" or "secular" are very good. However, the "Christian" sites actually may be worse because on those sites a profile is supposed to sound "Christian" and so many more profiles present themselves as strongly Christian when their lifestyle reflects something entirely different; this makes sorting out those who are unacceptable far more difficult. Because presenting yourself as strongly "Christian" on a secular site may actually be viewed somewhat negatively by all those who are not strongly committed to their faith, I have found that most who risk doing so really do have some level of commitment to their faith. Additionally, I have found that many of the "Christian" sites are actually run by non-Christians, and some of the unethical behavior done by the management of those sites would make even Neil Warren's head spin! Here is a post that reflects my own personal experiences from a similar thread.

As far as advice goes, I really don't care nearly so much about whether it comes from someone married or someone single. What matters to me is whether it is biblically based. I have found that that when those who who base their advice on God's word come from a very different background, often their advice is the most valuable because (because of their life experiences) they see things that I and those who have shared similar life experiences would probably have missed. Those who share the same commitment to faith as I do and the same life experiences are often only "speaking to the choir" as they say. I have personally found that the most valuable advice comes from those who cause me to rethink my position, not from those who agree with it.

I am unsure about whether I would recommend that someone close an E-Harmony account because of these articles, but I am also unsure that I wouldn't make such a recommendation. The issue to me is whether this site is presenting itself as "Christian", and because of E-Harmony's founder and past the answer is "sort of". If this were clearly a secular site, I would have less of an issue as long as the site allowed a Christian to search for those who clearly shared the same faith values that they do (most secular sites do not), If the site clearly represented itself as Christian, I would close an account immediately because an article like this goes squarely against anything taught in God's word. E-Harmony is, unfortunately, in that yucky gray area somewhere in the middle.



benelchi -> RE: eHarmony advice: How to navigate the one night stand (4/18/2008 12:04:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker

I've read some of Warren's books on dating. His personal values are based on his Christian faith but he doesn't impose them on any members that join his dating site or people that reads his books. He runs a business. Even though it was originally viewed as a faith-base site, it is not anymore. He doesn't advertise it as such. What he advertise is that marriage base on compatibility is more likely to survive and thrive and be successful compare to marriages based on two incompatible people. It's the same for Christian or non Christian marriages. Two Christians does not necessarily make a good marriage because there's other factors that affects marriages; not just faith.

A lot of faith base (Christian faith) org are distancing themselves from E harmony because of the way E has been opening it's doors to a wider market. Hey, people that do not belong to our faith wants to connect with other people too. And though a lot of people clearly do not follow our rules for dating, we should not expect them too as they don't have the same belief as we do.

If you're on E and was given a match, read his/her profile and see if his Christian faith and values jump out from his profile. Those should be very evident when you skim someone's profile and if they are not, then they probably aren't practicing Christ followers. If not, just click and say "next". Let's not waste too much time criticising the dating site. It's just a medium for meeting people.



I don't think the answer is quite that easy, as an owner of a Christian based business that caters to other business that are not necessarily Christian owned I have also been faced with questions about what are the ethical boundaries we will not cross. My company designs and maintains computer servers and networks for other companies. All of the founders of my company are Christians, but not all of our employees are Christians. Some of the ethical issues we have been challenged with at our company are things like, do we allow a non-Christian sales person to sell to a Internet PORN company or an abortion clinic, etc...? Do we allow our non-Christian sales people to "entertain" our non-Christian customers at a "strip club" or similarly ethically questionable establishments when our competitors are doing so? For us, the answer has been NO because we believe doing so would seriously affect our Christian witness even though we personally did not engage in these activities. People really do understand that at some level the owners of the company really do have control of what happens in their business. In the case of E-Harmony, I think the big question is does Neil Warren simply allow his site to be used by non-Christians while upholding Christian values or does he cater to those who are non-Christian by compromising Christian values. In this case, I believe he has clearly chosen the latter, and as such he has clearly tarnished his own Christian witness before a world that desperately needs to see Christ in him.



trainfan -> RE: eHarmony advice: How to navigate the one night stand (4/18/2008 12:07:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: benelchi

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker

I've read some of Warren's books on dating. His personal values are based on his Christian faith but he doesn't impose them on any members that join his dating site or people that reads his books. He runs a business. Even though it was originally viewed as a faith-base site, it is not anymore. He doesn't advertise it as such. What he advertise is that marriage base on compatibility is more likely to survive and thrive and be successful compare to marriages based on two incompatible people. It's the same for Christian or non Christian marriages. Two Christians does not necessarily make a good marriage because there's other factors that affects marriages; not just faith.

A lot of faith base (Christian faith) org are distancing themselves from E harmony because of the way E has been opening it's doors to a wider market. Hey, people that do not belong to our faith wants to connect with other people too. And though a lot of people clearly do not follow our rules for dating, we should not expect them too as they don't have the same belief as we do.

If you're on E and was given a match, read his/her profile and see if his Christian faith and values jump out from his profile. Those should be very evident when you skim someone's profile and if they are not, then they probably aren't practicing Christ followers. If not, just click and say "next". Let's not waste too much time criticising the dating site. It's just a medium for meeting people.



I don't think the answer is quite that easy, as an owner of a Christian based business that caters to other business that are not necessarily Christian owned I have also been faced with questions about what are the ethical boundaries we will not cross. My company designs and maintains computer servers and networks for other companies. All of the founders of my company are Christians, but not all of our employees are Christians. Some of the ethical issues we have been challenged with at our company are things like, do we allow a non-Christian sales person to sell to a Internet PORN company or an abortion clinic, etc...? Do we allow our non-Christian sales people to "entertain" our non-Christian customers at a "strip club" or similarly ethically questionable establishments when our competitors are doing so? For us, the answer has been NO because we believe doing so would seriously affect our Christian witness even though we personally did not engage in these activities. People really do understand that at some level the owners of the company really do have control of what happens in their business. In the case of E-Harmony, I think the big question is does Neil Warren simply allow his site to be used by non-Christians while upholding Christian values or does he cater to those who are non-Christian by compromising Christian values. In this case, I believe he has clearly chosen the latter, and as such he has clearly tarnished his own Christian witness before a world that desperately needs to see Christ in him.


As another Christian business owner. Excellent post benelchi![sm=thumbsup.gif][sm=thumbsup.gif][sm=thumbsup.gif]



Focusing -> RE: eHarmony advice: How to navigate the one night stand (4/18/2008 12:24:30 PM)

quote:

does he cater to those who are non-Christian by compromising Christian values


I agree that this is indeed what has happened.

I also believe we need to watch ourselves ... are we compromising our values by choosing to overlook these things, thereby giving the impression that we are agreeing with values we say we oppose?

Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves; so be shrewd as serpents and innocent as doves. - Matthew 10:16



lpt -> RE: eHarmony advice: How to navigate the one night stand (4/18/2008 3:28:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: iwillfearnoevil

quote:

ORIGINAL: lpt
But if I were single and a member of eHarmony, I'd think long and hard about whether to drop them in favor of a matching service more concerned about the health of my relationships than about money.


Ted - I vaguely seem to recall you posting another negatives about eHarmony previously here or elsewhere. what do you recommend for a matching service more concerned about the health of our relationships than money. i've yet to see any free Christian dating sites with an active membership but am not experienced in this area.


I'm not opposed to Christians earning money from their work. That seems implied in your talking about "free Christian dating sites." I do believe Christians have a right to earn money, even lots of money if the Lord blesses them that way.

You could look into http://matchwise.com/ -- I've heard good things about them. I'm sure there are plenty of other Christian-friendly matching services as well....



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: eHarmony advice: How to navigate the one night stand (4/18/2008 3:53:52 PM)

this is what happens when i only get 15 hours of sleep over 3 nights. i really don't know why i said free. i am not opposed to wealthy Christians and i believe in capitalism! i have seen first hand how God blesses people financially in so many different ways. i think in my head when typing i was associating transparent with free. transparency is what i'd like to see. my problem is i'd like to see a review of various "Christian" sites somehow. i thank you for the recommendation. i just checked them without signing up and there are 92 women in their entire database? that's like 2 people per state and probably includes stale accounts?

here is an article i just found that lists stuff i like to see. i've been asking about the reviews here for a couple weeks thinking it would be cool. unfortunately the article is pretty scathing, still reading it now.
http://sounddoctorin.com/christsingles/christsingle.htm



trainfan -> RE: eHarmony advice: How to navigate the one night stand (4/18/2008 4:17:33 PM)

quote:

i just checked them without signing up and there are 92 women in their entire database?


I did the same thing and just for grins clicked on female for every age bracket and they all come up with 92 matches. Kind of odd. [&:]



Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>



Forum Software © ASPPlayground.NET Advanced Edition 2.5 ANSI