quote:

ORIGINAL: StephenJ

Okay so like most stories on this forum it begins this way...there's this girl who I met about two years ago in college. We like many of the same things, I felt like we can talk on an equal level, and in general whenever we do actually talk we can do so for a long time with ease. Then of course there's the fact that I thought she was beutiful. It's not suprising that I fell pretty hard for this person.
It's a long story but essentially I decided that I had to let her know. I made it known to this wonderful person that I really liked her alot (maybe in a way that could have been more subtle), and she pretty much told me that she was not interested. Infact when I gave her flowers, she at first seemed suprised, then made me swear that I would only give them to her if they were given out of purely platonic feelings. Infact she told me that she couldn't accept them if I was giving them to her as a romantic gesture.
After that incident we saw eachother a couple more times, when I visited my old school, and every once in a while we exchanged emails. The first time we saw each other after the above mentioned incident she pulled me aside and we had a nice talk. She told me that she thanked me for being honest, but that she wasn't ready for a relationship. She also told me that even if she was ready to get involved with someone she couldn't date me because we're to similar and she needs someone that's the opposite of her. Later I suggested that maybe we should date other people, and even sent her the links so some online dating sites. She agreed that this was a good idea, but as far as I know never signed up for any.
I always felt like there was a certain distance between us that wasn't the result of us just being busy, and with some proding on my part she eventually confirmed what I suspected. Months later she was uncomfortable around me even though we were both suppousedly patching things up. I can totally understand that, but I have to wonder if it's always just going to hang there.

We haven't talked since January when we had a real honest heart to heart (over AIM mind you) in which I let it be known that at the time of the incident I wasn't trying to attack her but that I was trying to let her know that I loved her. However, when I came by the school after that conversation she was nowhere to be found. A man we both know at Northridge told me, upon getting there that she had just left. I later had reason to believe that it was because she found out that I was coming by that she bolted out of the classroom. I'm not quite sure how to deal I guess.

So my question is this, is it even possible to mend this kind of relationship? Is it wise to keep trying, or should I just let her pass out of my life. Is it even possible to be friends with someone that you're even remotely attracted to? I've tried moving on, and have even started being interested in new people, but I'm worried that this thing is just going to hang there.

Thanks in advance everyone.

quote:


So my question is this, is it even possible to mend this kind of relationship? Is it wise to keep trying, or should I just let her pass out of my life. Is it even possible to be friends with someone that you're even remotely attracted to? I've tried moving on, and have even started being interested in new people, but I'm worried that this thing is just going to hang there.

quote:

ORIGINAL: StephenJ

We like many of the same things, I felt like we can talk on an equal level, and in general whenever we do actually talk we can do so for a long time with ease. Then of course there's the fact that I thought she was beutiful. It's not suprising that I fell pretty hard for this person.

quote:


It's a long story but essentially I decided that I had to let her know <>
she pretty much told me that she was not interested.

quote:

She told me that she thanked me for being honest, but that she wasn't ready for a relationship. She also told me that even if she was ready to get involved with someone she couldn't date me

quote:

I always felt like there was a certain distance between us that wasn't the result of us just being busy, and with some proding on my part she eventually confirmed what I suspected.

quote:

I have to wonder if it's always just going to hang there.

quote:

We haven't talked since January when we had a real honest heart to heart (over AIM mind you) in which I let it be known that at the time of the incident I wasn't trying to attack her but that I was trying to let her know that I loved her.

quote:

when I came by the school after that conversation she was nowhere to be found. <> she found out that I was coming by that she bolted out of the classroom.

quote:

So my question is this, is it even possible to mend this kind of relationship? Is it wise to keep trying, or should I just let her pass out of my life.

quote:

ORIGINAL: deermousie

quote:

ORIGINAL: StephenJ

We like many of the same things, I felt like we can talk on an equal level, and in general whenever we do actually talk we can do so for a long time with ease. Then of course there's the fact that I thought she was beutiful. It's not suprising that I fell pretty hard for this person.

I'm afraid you aren't going to like my response, but there's something here that can help you if you can get past my brusque words. I'm sorry I can't say it smoother, but I don't know how. I'm hoping it will help you anyway.

You fell hard for her. That's another way of saying you didn't guard your heart (Prov. 4:23). That was the first problem.

quote:


It's a long story but essentially I decided that I had to let her know <>
she pretty much told me that she was not interested.

OK, she told you where you stood. The second problem was you didn't honor her wishes. So you did this for your benefit, not for hers.

quote:

She told me that she thanked me for being honest, but that she wasn't ready for a relationship. She also told me that even if she was ready to get involved with someone she couldn't date me

She told you again.

quote:

I always felt like there was a certain distance between us that wasn't the result of us just being busy, and with some proding on my part she eventually confirmed what I suspected.

And again.

quote:

I have to wonder if it's always just going to hang there.

She's probably pretty creeped out by your disrespecting her wishes, and she may be scared. I'm surprised you haven't gotten a phone call from her father.

quote:

We haven't talked since January when we had a real honest heart to heart (over AIM mind you) in which I let it be known that at the time of the incident I wasn't trying to attack her but that I was trying to let her know that I loved her.

This may seem old-fashioned to you, but some people respect this: a man shouldn't tell a woman he loves her unless it's followed by "Will you marry me?" She doesn't even want to date you, so she's backing down and you seem to be escalating. She may be considering a restraining order by now.

quote:

when I came by the school after that conversation she was nowhere to be found. <> she found out that I was coming by that she bolted out of the classroom.

She's told you over and over to back off and you keep coming on to her anyway. This is getting really creepy.

quote:

So my question is this, is it even possible to mend this kind of relationship? Is it wise to keep trying, or should I just let her pass out of my life.

I'd let her go. She's not giving you any choice. You've disrespected her and run roughshod over her feelings, and have made courting-types of comments and actions when she keeps trying to disengage you.

A woman in a marriage relationship is totally vunerable to her husband and has to trust him to look out for her, for her feelings and well-being. It shows up in how he treats her before they even get serious. You aren't doing this for her and she is running for the hills. If she were my daughter, my husband would have already had a serious talk with you.

Are you waiting for God's choice for you? Keep preparing for marriage, so when she shows up in His perfect timing, you'll be ready. That means your heart is pure, your status is ready to take on paying bills and providing a place for you guys to live, and you've been checking with God about whether she's the one or you have to wait and grow some more. She might or might not be beautiful, but God is the Master Matchmaker, and you won't be disappointed! God bless.

quote:

ORIGINAL: StephenJ

Okay so like most stories on this forum it begins this way...there's this girl who I met about two years ago in college. We like many of the same things, I felt like we can talk on an equal level, and in general whenever we do actually talk we can do so for a long time with ease. Then of course there's the fact that I thought she was beutiful. It's not suprising that I fell pretty hard for this person.
It's a long story but essentially I decided that I had to let her know. I made it known to this wonderful person that I really liked her alot (maybe in a way that could have been more subtle), and she pretty much told me that she was not interested. Infact when I gave her flowers, she at first seemed suprised, then made me swear that I would only give them to her if they were given out of purely platonic feelings. Infact she told me that she couldn't accept them if I was giving them to her as a romantic gesture.
After that incident we saw eachother a couple more times, when I visited my old school, and every once in a while we exchanged emails. The first time we saw each other after the above mentioned incident she pulled me aside and we had a nice talk. She told me that she thanked me for being honest, but that she wasn't ready for a relationship. She also told me that even if she was ready to get involved with someone she couldn't date me because we're to similar and she needs someone that's the opposite of her. Later I suggested that maybe we should date other people, and even sent her the links so some online dating sites. She agreed that this was a good idea, but as far as I know never signed up for any.
I always felt like there was a certain distance between us that wasn't the result of us just being busy, and with some proding on my part she eventually confirmed what I suspected. Months later she was uncomfortable around me even though we were both suppousedly patching things up. I can totally understand that, but I have to wonder if it's always just going to hang there.

We haven't talked since January when we had a real honest heart to heart (over AIM mind you) in which I let it be known that at the time of the incident I wasn't trying to attack her but that I was trying to let her know that I loved her. However, when I came by the school after that conversation she was nowhere to be found. A man we both know at Northridge told me, upon getting there that she had just left. I later had reason to believe that it was because she found out that I was coming by that she bolted out of the classroom. I'm not quite sure how to deal I guess.

So my question is this, is it even possible to mend this kind of relationship? Is it wise to keep trying, or should I just let her pass out of my life. Is it even possible to be friends with someone that you're even remotely attracted to? I've tried moving on, and have even started being interested in new people, but I'm worried that this thing is just going to hang there.

Thanks in advance everyone.

quote:

ORIGINAL: FaithLegacy

quote:

ORIGINAL: StephenJ

Okay so like most stories on this forum it begins this way...there's this girl who I met about two years ago in college. We like many of the same things, I felt like we can talk on an equal level, and in general whenever we do actually talk we can do so for a long time with ease. Then of course there's the fact that I thought she was beutiful. It's not suprising that I fell pretty hard for this person.
It's a long story but essentially I decided that I had to let her know. I made it known to this wonderful person that I really liked her alot (maybe in a way that could have been more subtle), and she pretty much told me that she was not interested. Infact when I gave her flowers, she at first seemed suprised, then made me swear that I would only give them to her if they were given out of purely platonic feelings. Infact she told me that she couldn't accept them if I was giving them to her as a romantic gesture.
After that incident we saw eachother a couple more times, when I visited my old school, and every once in a while we exchanged emails. The first time we saw each other after the above mentioned incident she pulled me aside and we had a nice talk. She told me that she thanked me for being honest, but that she wasn't ready for a relationship. She also told me that even if she was ready to get involved with someone she couldn't date me because we're to similar and she needs someone that's the opposite of her. Later I suggested that maybe we should date other people, and even sent her the links so some online dating sites. She agreed that this was a good idea, but as far as I know never signed up for any.
I always felt like there was a certain distance between us that wasn't the result of us just being busy, and with some proding on my part she eventually confirmed what I suspected. Months later she was uncomfortable around me even though we were both suppousedly patching things up. I can totally understand that, but I have to wonder if it's always just going to hang there.

We haven't talked since January when we had a real honest heart to heart (over AIM mind you) in which I let it be known that at the time of the incident I wasn't trying to attack her but that I was trying to let her know that I loved her. However, when I came by the school after that conversation she was nowhere to be found. A man we both know at Northridge told me, upon getting there that she had just left. I later had reason to believe that it was because she found out that I was coming by that she bolted out of the classroom. I'm not quite sure how to deal I guess.

So my question is this, is it even possible to mend this kind of relationship? Is it wise to keep trying, or should I just let her pass out of my life. Is it even possible to be friends with someone that you're even remotely attracted to? I've tried moving on, and have even started being interested in new people, but I'm worried that this thing is just going to hang there.

Thanks in advance everyone.

I've been her place. Its like I'm reading my own actions. Here's what I think- she thinks your great a friend. But the fact that she told you-"Infact she told me that she couldn't accept them if I was giving them to her as a romantic gesture. " And "she pulled me aside and we had a nice talk. She told me that she thanked me for being honest, but that she wasn't ready for a relationship. She also told me that even if she was ready to get involved with someone she couldn't date me because we're to similar and she needs someone that's the opposite of her." She is saying in the nicest way it never gonna happen. And I think she would of been friends with you if you didn't say-"Later I suggested that maybe we should date other people, and even sent her the links so some online dating sites. She agreed that this was a good idea, but as far as I know never signed up for any." Being that situation before freaked me out. Sorry to tell you. I thought how can this guy say that when there is nothing going on. We are just friends. And it made me not want anything he gave me. No matter how ppl or my parents said to be nice. It made me not like him more. I kind of started to think he was scary. And dont use the word relationship-it should be friendship. You seem great like my friend was. I do care about him but as a friend. I just wish he could be my friend. But hes actions said otherwise and I was afraid to led him on. So if she feels anything like me I say make new friends or get over your feelings for her. because it messed up our riendship. no matter what did I always hurt him coz he ecpected more than I would give. Sorry Stephen- but now he found this great girl and is very happy.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Paymeister

Dear Stephen,

Been there, done that. In my case it was squelched for good when the girl finally said, "You know, you're a nice guy and all that, but there's something about you I just can't stand."

Oh. THAT'S what she meant when there was always something else she had to do, etc.... It was hard, but at least it was clear. I wished her well then, and I still do.

Stephen, give up on this girl. Confess your sin and repent (you're supposed to protect the innocent, not stalk them), and move on.

Want to know the REAL answer to your problem? I'm telling you this based on fifteen years of trying to get this girl or that girl to be interested in me... and in a successful marriage after I put this into practice (20 year anniversary last month).

The real way to do this is to figure out what sort of woman you want to marry, and become the kind of person she would be interested in. Then, you'll automatically attract that kind of woman, and it will be REAL instead of the results of a marketing exercise. And you may wind up with this particular person or another, but any who would be attracted to you at that point would probably be a good match.

That's from a human perspective (since that's all we really have in front of us). But from Scripture we know that God orders all things, and He's going to put you with the one He wants you with. Note that this could be for your blessing (if you seek Him and relax and let Him accomplish His purposes as I and others on this list are encouraging you to do), OR FOR YOUR CURSING: I don't mean this to be a slam, but rather because I've seen it in my own life.

In my case I wanted more credit, against the clear teaching of Scripture and the good advice of my wife and godly counselors. What did God do? He let me have the credit - and we've suffered financially ever since. His chastisement for me (and indeed it provided an EXCELLENT education) was to merely let me have the thing that I wanted. Another example would be when at 3 years old, my sister wanted to go play in the snow barefooted (we had driven to the mountains, and she had never seen the stuff before): after protracted battle with my mom about the boots, my dad said, "Let her go ahead without them." As you can imagine, she was back to the car for her boots in short order! Soooo, don't push the "I want THIS girl!" issue with God: He may give you what you want instead of what He recommends, and it may not turn out as you've imagined!

Trust God to build you up into who you are supposed to be. Seek Him and obey. THAT'S your job, not "trying to win Miss Right". Sorry to say it, Stephen, but the story you told of your behavior suggests that you are a LONG way off from where you need to be in order to be married, and are also not prepared for any relationship beyond the cup-of-coffee-at-the-cafeteria level. Is that a slam? Not really: I was there for a long time, too (as was nearly everyone else). Work on becoming who God has made you to be, and He will bring about His plan for you, for your blessing.

Praying for you...

quote:

ORIGINAL: StephenJ
Probably pushed her into being that honest, I felt like even though she was telling me that everything was fine with us, that I wasn't getting the whole picture. She eventually told me that even though I didn't do anything wrong, my actions made her feel like a deer caught in the headlights.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Godsentjesus

Sorry ..I agree with rest. Maybe the feelings you have come from the fact you can be honest with her. A true friend is one you can share with and talk about anything. The connection maybe not love but a true friendship. This deep connection you could be misreading as Love. Be yourself but ask yourself what causes you to be so attracted to her. What need does she fill in you ?