tuf pal (Full Version)

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madde-hans -> tuf pal (4/20/2008 4:48:26 PM)

Hey, thanks in advance.

I have late-teen family member, just a kid, who treats me like a dog. He ignores basic respect, like answering a simple question. Around his friends, he is normal, but not with his family member.
I've been nice, and polite, and angry, and yelled, and friendly and .. , but he treats me the same: like something dirty to be ashamed of. So what do you do? Can respect be re-taught?



amyk -> RE: tuf pal (4/20/2008 10:52:38 PM)

I take it that you are not the parent of this person? Have you asked him why he treats you that way?



preserved -> RE: tuf pal (4/21/2008 11:31:32 AM)

Yes, you need to sit down and have a talk as to what seems to be the problem..Why is he showing the dis-respect



tiffywal -> RE: tuf pal (4/21/2008 2:20:08 PM)

Before talking with him, I would pray on it. If he is that disrespectful, then you will need God's guidance on how to handle him.



deermousie -> RE: tuf pal (4/21/2008 2:21:30 PM)

Can you get your father to talk to this young person and let him know that the man of the house won't tolerate this behavior? Sometimes teenage boys start thinking they are really important because they are male, and they need to learn to fit themselves into the hierarchy of family and society (and sometimes it takes the threat of a bigger male to get the idea across their minds).

This boy is not treating you graciously like a sister in the Lord. By disrespecting you he is demeaning himself, and that is not good for either of you.

May God bless you, dear one.



madde-hans -> RE: tuf pal (4/21/2008 2:51:26 PM)

Thanks, amyk, preserved.
He is my brother. He is reserved and shy by nature. Yes I've tried to talk & ask. The thing is, he perceives almost any attempt at conversation as an intrusion into his privacy. 'Yes' and 'no' is the most you'll get. If I stay in his room for longer than 5 minutes, he tells me to get the **** out of there, just because he doesn't want to/ feel like/ consider it worth talking to me. Even though I'm older, if we're using our home computer in turns and he needs it, he'll say, " You have 10 minutes". he sets the time, and in 10 min comes up & turns off the pc without warning, whatever I was doing on it. He'll throw my things on the floor and walk over them. He ignores eye contact and throws things to me instead of handing them. These are just examples to explain it better. I don't revenge him in any way for the way he acts, I clean his messes and cook for us, but to any positive attitude he is cold and unresponsive.
Does anyone have practical advice?
thanks again



madde-hans -> RE: tuf pal (4/21/2008 3:22:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: deermousie

Can you get your father to talk to this young person and let him know that the man of the house won't tolerate this behavior? Sometimes teenage boys start thinking they are really important because they are male, and they need to learn to fit themselves into the hierarchy of family and society (and sometimes it takes the threat of a bigger male to get the idea across their minds).


Thank you deermousie ,

The father is not with us, no Man in the house to help the situation.
I'm not a parent, but I'm curious to know how parents deal with unruly teenage boys.
It's also a pity to watch him behave in this way, all this time we could have been developing a fun & mutually rewarding friendship.



ChoirDJ -> RE: tuf pal (4/21/2008 3:24:41 PM)

Need more info to be helpful...

Is he living under your roof or are the two of you living together under someone else's (i.e., parent's) roof?...and for the $1,000,000, is he 18 years old or close to it?

If he's under 18 and you're legally responsible for him for some unfortunate reason, get the calendar out, put it on the refrigerator, and start the countdown. Post back on the 18th birthday so we can all celebrate with you[;)]. If he is an 18+-year old acting like this under your roof, he gets the courtesy of a 30-day notice to move out so he could go prove how much he "really" knows. If you both are living under someone else's roof, you have no choice but to put up with it or leave and get your own place.



preserved -> RE: tuf pal (4/21/2008 3:51:36 PM)

There could be some hidden issues going on here...like drinking or drugs...This does not sound like normal behaviour for someone who is shy or reserved..



shadowspring -> RE: tuf pal (4/21/2008 5:30:21 PM)

I was thinking the same thing....



deermousie -> RE: tuf pal (4/21/2008 8:22:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: preserved

There could be some hidden issues going on here...like drinking or drugs...This does not sound like normal behaviour for someone who is shy or reserved..


This is exactly what I started thinking, too. He's demanding what he wants to satisfy himself *now* and is very irritated when he isn't satisfied immediately, which is very selfish and potentially destructive. Drugs can do that, or maybe he is caught up in something else selfish and doesn't want you to know. Are his friends caught up in something bad? Can you move away from him or kick him out?

When teenage boys get older it usually takes the father to deal with them. Is there another man who can help you?



pbaribeault -> RE: tuf pal (4/21/2008 8:50:23 PM)

He's just your brother. You don't have to talk to him if you don't want to. You don't have to go in his room, and you don't have to ask him questions. You don't have to try to make eye contact with him. You don't have to get him to hand you stuff - just get it yourself. You don't need to be angry to do this stuff - just be yourself without paying too much attention to him.

You also don't have to put up with his combative behaviour. I'm assuming that there is nobody that you can 'tell on him' so that they will make sure he treats you with basic interpersonal courtesy. I'm assuming that you are mostly unsupervised and/or that the 'adult' can't make him behave. So you'll have to manage as well as you can for yourself.

Next time you are taking turns at the computer, decide if 10 minutes is OK with you, or if it's worth a fight. If it's OK with you, set your own timer so you have time to get your stuff saved etc. If you need more than the 10 minutes, when you switch seats say to him, "Now you have 10 minutes. That's fair. I'm going to make a snack." Set a timer, come back in 10 and say, "I'm ready for my turn, you said 10 minutes was a fair time. It would be very rude of me to switch off the computer, but I will if you are not willing to take turns." Then keep trading, being ready and cheerful when your 10 minutes are up (even calling him when it's time to trade).

As for your stuff, if you care about it keep it in your room and get a lock. If it's not too important, and he disrespects it, calmly pick it up and put it back, saying, "That's mine and I put it there on purpose. If it is bothering you, you can let me know." If he does it again, say, "I guess that means it's bothering you. Too bad you would rather throw stuff than just ask me to make space for you. I don't mind making space for you." And then put it somewhere else and walk away.

This calmness might actually diffuse his behaviour, but it also might rile him up. Are you afraid of him? If so, your better plan is to get out. Nobody should live in a climate of fear - that's abuse.



lightshineon -> RE: tuf pal (4/21/2008 10:28:45 PM)

I would demand it trust me.



madde-hans -> RE: tuf pal (4/22/2008 6:00:45 PM)

Thanks everyone.

choirDJ-

My bro is 19 years old, but there is absolutely no chance of him or me moving out -. That's basically the reason I posted the problem, because I'll have to live with it and i'm not sure how to.

There isn't an older man who has influence over him, whose opinion he'd value.
Other young people he spends time with do have strong influence on him.I got no idea what they do together, it's not drugs, but probably watching porn or the like.


quote:

ORIGINAL: pbaribeault

He's just your brother. You don't have to talk to him if you don't want to. You don't have to go in his room, and you don't have to ask him questions. You don't have to try to make eye contact with him. You don't have to get him to hand you stuff - just get it yourself. You don't need to be angry to do this stuff - just be yourself without paying too much attention to him.

You also don't have to put up with his combative behaviour. I'm assuming that there is nobody that you can 'tell on him' so that they will make sure he treats you with basic interpersonal courtesy. I'm assuming that you are mostly unsupervised and/or that the 'adult' can't make him behave. So you'll have to manage as well as you can for yourself.
...

This calmness might actually diffuse his behaviour, but it also might rile him up. Are you afraid of him? If so, your better plan is to get out. Nobody should live in a climate of fear - that's abuse.



thanks for your response.
Of course, (i) don't have to ... but.. I've closed my eyes on it long enough, and it's been so long ago that we had any normal conversation that we are almost like strangers already.. if he's home, he never comes out of his room except to take some food & go back in there..
No I'm not afraid of him.. but it worries me some that the way he acts toward me now, he will later do it towards other people..

I don't lose temper now and stay calm whatever he does, I just want to know how should one behave correctly without ingoring him altogether, and without annoying him & humiliating myself, given that we'll have to live together for possibly years more.



shadowspring -> RE: tuf pal (4/22/2008 8:35:27 PM)

Madde,

You are a wise young person, to be thinking of the future like this, and trying to find balance in your home.

Truth is though, you cannot make a harmonious relationship. That takes two people. You only control you.

I will add you to my prayers, as this is a tough situation. If you are going to love your brother and keep your self-respect, it will take wisdom from God on a minute-by-minute basis.

I also hope you can find more friends and interests outside the home yourself. Do you go to school? Or have any hobbies that can get you out of the house and with other people?

Bless you, little sister. [:)]



amyk -> RE: tuf pal (4/23/2008 11:46:37 PM)

If he is 19, and you are older than that, I am unclear on what is keeping you living in the same house with him. Are you financially or physically unable to move out? Or is there some other reason why it seems impossible for you two to not live together?



madde-hans -> RE: tuf pal (4/25/2008 6:43:50 AM)

Dear Shadowspring,
That is lovely of you to pray for me too , it is much appreciated.

I'm studying and working, both full time, and it doesn't make it more
fun to come home where nothing positive is waiting for you :)
Just yet I'dont' have time for hobbies..haven't really got any friends.


quote:

ORIGINAL: amyk

If he is 19, and you are older than that, I am unclear on what is keeping you living in the same house with him. Are you financially or physically unable to move out? Or is there some other reason why it seems impossible for you two to not live together?



there a strong "other reason" why we have to live together, certain circumstances that will not change. It would also be very hard financially.



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