When To Settle - Article from Boundless.org

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sharonjef2007 -> When To Settle - Article from Boundless.org (4/22/2008 7:44:55 PM)
Ok, so on of the old fun things we used to do in the Singles Forum is to talk about articles or books that we found related to singleness. I have not been on here a ton lately, but I miss the conversations that came from those threads. So.......HERE......is an article I found on Boundless.com (one of my favs!!!!!) What do you think?

J3jamie -> RE: When To Settle - Article from Boundless.org (4/22/2008 8:52:50 PM)
I agree with the article. I did not agree with the Gottlieb women who said: "it's better to feel alone in marriage than actually be alone." I was alone in a marriage it was soooo not better! I do believe that we should not settle and should have basic standards we are not willing to compromise. I liked their list: A man must be a believer. He must be able and willing to provide for his family. He must love sacrificially. He must be honest, have a good reputation and strive for the qualities of a spiritual leader. (See Acts 6:3, 1 Timothy 3:1-7 and Titus 1:6-9) My exhusband did not even come close to measuring up. I knew I settled but thought I was not worthy of more. Now I know God has bigger plans for me.

sharonjef2007 -> RE: When To Settle - Article from Boundless.org (4/22/2008 10:14:42 PM)
My biggest problem with it is that there is nothing about personality, similar goals, or anything like that. Nor is there anything about God's will in the matter. I also am turned off with the references to previous articles. That automatically turns me off considering the tone of them. I feel articles like this also try to make people who don't have a desire to get married feel like they are wrong or sinning. The info is not bad so much as I feel the article is incomplete and is also written in a very "you better want to get married or something is wrong with you" tone.

landabee -> RE: When To Settle - Article from Boundless.org (4/23/2008 9:36:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sharonjef2007 My biggest problem with it is that there is nothing about personality, similar goals, or anything like that. Nor is there anything about God's will in the matter. I also am turned off with the references to previous articles. That automatically turns me off considering the tone of them. I feel articles like this also try to make people who don't have a desire to get married feel like they are wrong or sinning. The info is not bad so much as I feel the article is incomplete and is also written in a very "you better want to get married or something is wrong with you" tone. Yup.

ladioffaith -> RE: When To Settle - Article from Boundless.org (4/23/2008 10:52:09 AM)
Love the article. Hate the title.

sharonjef2007 -> RE: When To Settle - Article from Boundless.org (4/24/2008 6:56:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ladioffaith Love the article. Hate the title. I agree. However, I think it is a play on words and meant to stir people up. I don't know if she meant "settle down" or "settle for less then best."

benelchi -> RE: When To Settle - Article from Boundless.org (4/26/2008 10:52:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sharonjef2007 quote: ORIGINAL: ladioffaith Love the article. Hate the title. I agree. However, I think it is a play on words and meant to stir people up. I don't know if she meant "settle down" or "settle for less then best." I think the title was a play on the idea put forth in the secular articles that had advocated "settling". I read both articles (both from links on Crosswalk), and my opinion of the first article was that it was complete rubbish and didn't reflect at all God's perspective on relationships. However, there really is an aspect to "settling" that is biblical, and I enjoyed this article because it shines the light on that aspect. Since no one other than Jesus is perfect, any person we choose to marry requires us to "settle" for some imperfections. The question really is about which aspects we have decided are nonnegotiable, and which are ones for which we have decided that there is room for compromise. A biblical perspective will see as nonnegotiable those aspects of character that reflect the values God has given in his word, but too often in Christian circles, "settling" means compromising Godly standards often to gain a spouse that offers things that have no eternal value i.e. physical beauty, money, status, etc... When "settling" means compromising in areas that God's word tell us are nonnegotiable, then doing so is in itself sinful, the boundless article rightly points out some areas that absolutely should be nonnegotiable; for everything else being willing to "settle" might allow God to have a much greater influence in the process of finding a mate.

BugLady -> RE: When To Settle - Article from Boundless.org (4/26/2008 5:57:18 PM)
That was a good article. Doesn't explain why someone like me is still single though... I've been looking for imperfection all along. sigh

CoeurdeLeon -> RE: When To Settle - Article from Boundless.org (4/27/2008 11:16:05 AM)
I hadn't clicked on the link until now because I thought this was the same article from before. This article I could get on board with. I especially liked this... "Women shouldn't settle for less, we should appreciate more. A good family man is not a step down, it's a step up." As a matter of fact, I LOVE it. The older I get the more I realize that a person (of either gender) with a thriving relationship with God, who is honest and a person of integrity, who will put the good of the marriage/family first, is a pretty rare bird. A person like that ^ is someone to be respected and what many of us have forgotten or never knew is that you can very easily love someone you respect and that love grows and deepens and becomes more and more complete with time. And a person like that is definitely a step up.

mutinywxgirl -> RE: When To Settle - Article from Boundless.org (4/27/2008 11:30:01 AM)
quote: The older I get the more I realize that a person (of either gender) with a thriving relationship with God, who is honest and a person of integrity, who will put the good of the marriage/family first, is a pretty rare bird. Haven't read the article, but wholeheartedly agree with this statement!!!!!

sharonjef2007 -> RE: When To Settle - Article from Boundless.org (4/27/2008 8:54:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CoeurdeLeon I hadn't clicked on the link until now because I thought this was the same article from before. This article I could get on board with. I especially liked this... "Women shouldn't settle for less, we should appreciate more. A good family man is not a step down, it's a step up." As a matter of fact, I LOVE it. The older I get the more I realize that a person (of either gender) with a thriving relationship with God, who is honest and a person of integrity, who will put the good of the marriage/family first, is a pretty rare bird. A person like that ^ is someone to be respected and what many of us have forgotten or never knew is that you can very easily love someone you respect and that love grows and deepens and becomes more and more complete with time. And a person like that is definitely a step up. I also agree. But, should that be the only thing we look for? While it is important and a "make it or break it" requirement for marriage, aren't other things personalities, attractions, future goals and chemistry important? Shouldn't they be considered too?

BugLady -> RE: When To Settle - Article from Boundless.org (4/27/2008 9:13:52 PM)
quote: "Women shouldn't settle for less, we should appreciate more. A good family man is not a step down, it's a step up." This ^^ is actually what I liked reading most in the article as well. quote: But, should that be the only thing we look for? While it is important and a "make it or break it" requirement for marriage, aren't other things personalities, attractions, future goals and chemistry important? Shouldn't they be considered too? I know you weren't addressing me, but I want to respond to this. [:)] With out a doubt in my mind they should be considered, but when life happens and causes changes in personalities, attractions, future goals, and chemistry- at the core a good family man will hold it together... with the help of a good family woman, of course. Or a good egg... trust me. Really. [;)]

benelchi -> RE: When To Settle - Article from Boundless.org (4/27/2008 9:17:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sharonjef2007 quote: ORIGINAL: CoeurdeLeon I hadn't clicked on the link until now because I thought this was the same article from before. This article I could get on board with. I especially liked this... "Women shouldn't settle for less, we should appreciate more. A good family man is not a step down, it's a step up." As a matter of fact, I LOVE it. The older I get the more I realize that a person (of either gender) with a thriving relationship with God, who is honest and a person of integrity, who will put the good of the marriage/family first, is a pretty rare bird. A person like that ^ is someone to be respected and what many of us have forgotten or never knew is that you can very easily love someone you respect and that love grows and deepens and becomes more and more complete with time. And a person like that is definitely a step up. I also agree. But, should that be the only thing we look for? While it is important and a "make it or break it" requirement for marriage, aren't other things personalities, attractions, future goals and chemistry important? Shouldn't they be considered too? I would say that there are other things to be considered, but never at the expense of compromising on those things that the bible holds up as most important. It is those other things where we should be open to compromise i.e. chemistry and attraction are things people can and really do grow into if they stop and give it a chance; however, too often these things tend to go to the top of the list and the really important things end up being the ones where compromises are made. Although I have seen a similar pattern of compromise from both men and woman, I do think that both approach it a little different. The men I know who have really made compromises on the important things in order to marry the "model" wife, do so by convincing themselves that godliness really isn't that important anyway, and the women I have met who have made similar compromises do so fully believing that they can fix the lack of godliness after the marriage. Ultimately the men find that it really was THAT IMPORTANT, and the women find out that they really CAN'T FIX IT!

BugLady -> RE: When To Settle - Article from Boundless.org (4/27/2008 9:31:17 PM)
quote: Ultimately the men find that it really was THAT IMPORTANT, and the women find out that they really CAN'T FIX IT! Yep. A lot of those men should have married good eggs. sigh

CoeurdeLeon -> RE: When To Settle - Article from Boundless.org (4/27/2008 9:45:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: benelchi quote: ORIGINAL: sharonjef2007 quote: ORIGINAL: CoeurdeLeon I hadn't clicked on the link until now because I thought this was the same article from before. This article I could get on board with. I especially liked this... "Women shouldn't settle for less, we should appreciate more. A good family man is not a step down, it's a step up." As a matter of fact, I LOVE it. The older I get the more I realize that a person (of either gender) with a thriving relationship with God, who is honest and a person of integrity, who will put the good of the marriage/family first, is a pretty rare bird. A person like that ^ is someone to be respected and what many of us have forgotten or never knew is that you can very easily love someone you respect and that love grows and deepens and becomes more and more complete with time. And a person like that is definitely a step up. I also agree. But, should that be the only thing we look for? While it is important and a "make it or break it" requirement for marriage, aren't other things personalities, attractions, future goals and chemistry important? Shouldn't they be considered too? I would say that there are other things to be considered, but never at the expense of compromising on those things that the bible holds up as most important. It is those other things where we should be open to compromise i.e. chemistry and attraction are things people can and really do grow into if they stop and give it a chance; however, too often these things tend to go to the top of the list and the really important things end up being the ones where compromises are made. Although I have seen a similar pattern of compromise from both men and woman, I do think that both approach it a little different. The men I know who have really made compromises on the important things in order to marry the "model" wife, do so by convincing themselves that godliness really isn't that important anyway, and the women I have met who have made similar compromises do so fully believing that they can fix the lack of godliness after the marriage. Ultimately the men find that it really was THAT IMPORTANT, and the women find out that they really CAN'T FIX IT! This is my answer, too, Sharon. Especially the part I emphasized. Those things you mentioned should get some consideration. But they aren't things you can build a life together on if the solid foundation of attributes isn't there from the beginning.

sharonjef2007 -> RE: When To Settle - Article from Boundless.org (4/27/2008 10:21:02 PM)
Cool...and I fully agree. Just playing devil's advocate to stir up some good conversation. Let's take a look at that list again..... quote: A man must be a believer. He must be able and willing to provide for his family. He must love sacrificially. He must be honest, have a good reputation and strive for the qualities of a spiritual leader. (See Acts 6:3, 1 Timothy 3:1-7 and Titus 1:6-9) I'm curious....has anyone rejected anyone with these "qualifications?" I sure know I have. Was I wrong? I guess it depends on my motives and my reasons. For real though, I can't imagine that these would be the ONLY reasons you would marry someone. They should be the foundation.....absolutely. But there could be other deal breakers too.

EricPR239 -> RE: When To Settle - Article from Boundless.org (4/28/2008 2:06:08 AM)
Settle? I settled... with God. Long time ago. What does it mean "settle"? That you are not in order unless you are with another human being as a romantic partner? The decision to "settle" has nothing to do with marrying. Marrying is not a "settling" but an event that unites two souls that love each other. It is true that some people tend to get mature when they marry but it does not mean that people who do not marry are in disorder and scrambled. This "settling" stuff related to marriage derives from society-based generalizations which, most of the time, make no logical sense.

CoeurdeLeon -> RE: When To Settle - Article from Boundless.org (4/28/2008 8:45:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sharonjef2007 Cool...and I fully agree. Just playing devil's advocate to stir up some good conversation. Let's take a look at that list again..... quote: A man must be a believer. He must be able and willing to provide for his family. He must love sacrificially. He must be honest, have a good reputation and strive for the qualities of a spiritual leader. (See Acts 6:3, 1 Timothy 3:1-7 and Titus 1:6-9) I'm curious....has anyone rejected anyone with these "qualifications?" I sure know I have. Was I wrong? I guess it depends on my motives and my reasons. For real though, I can't imagine that these would be the ONLY reasons you would marry someone. They should be the foundation.....absolutely. But there could be other deal breakers too. Well, sure but I think those deal breakers should be really solid reasons that could be held up to scrutiny by others (I think that's what I think, it may not be 100% applicable[;)]). For example, "future goals".....does that include more children? I'm 42 yrs old, I can see light at the end of my child-rearing tunnel. Unless God hits me in the head, I'm not willing to start child-rearing all over again (with babies (adopted, of course[;)]), if the fella has younger children, that's different) so that could be a deal-breaker for either of us and I don't think an objective observer could legitimately tell either of us that we're wrong and being shallow or "picky". But do I need someone who shares my interests or do I just need someone with a healthy curiosity about many things? At this point in my life, I see myself developing new interests with someone rather than finding someone who shares my interests. Does that make sense at all? But I can also see that I'd get along with someone who had his own particular interests that he pursued and allowed me to pursue mine and we both came together to talk about them but didn't require the other to participate. I think flexibility like that is the kind of thing we need to develop in negotiable areas.

benelchi -> RE: When To Settle - Article from Boundless.org (4/28/2008 8:53:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: EricPR239 Settle? I settled... with God. Long time ago. What does it mean "settle"? That you are not in order unless you are with another human being as a romantic partner? The decision to "settle" has nothing to do with marrying. Marrying is not a "settling" but an event that unites two souls that love each other. It is true that some people tend to get mature when they marry but it does not mean that people who do not marry are in disorder and scrambled. This "settling" stuff related to marriage derives from society-based generalizations which, most of the time, make no logical sense. Neither he article on Boundless nor anyone here on this thread has advocated the idea that being single means something is "not in order", and the "setting" advocated by the Boundless article has nothing to do with "society-based generalizations"; it stands in complete opposition to them. Did you read the article?

WaitingforBoaz -> RE: When To Settle - Article from Boundless.org (4/28/2008 12:18:51 PM)
ORIGINAL: CoeurdeLeon Let's take a look at that list again..... quote: A man must be a believer. He must be able and willing to provide for his family. He must love sacrificially. He must be honest, have a good reputation and strive for the qualities of a spiritual leader. (See Acts 6:3, 1 Timothy 3:1-7 and Titus 1:6-9) quote: I'm curious....has anyone rejected anyone with these "qualifications?" I sure know I have. Was I wrong? I guess it depends on my motives and my reasons. Yes, a few, and I almost rejected my husband of twenty years and he had all of these qualifications in spades. The reason; He did not fit my "LIST" (now you know why I am so against them) I had no interest in my husband when I met him because he really did not have any of the qualities I was looking for in a mate(by outward appearances anyway). Other than the ones listed above of course, the ones I call the no-brainers for christians. The only reason Hubby and I got together was because we were in a vehicle for 3 hours with no one to talk to except each other. I had rejected all advances he had made all day. He did not force himself on me, he was a very classy guy. But he made it clear that he was interested. In the process of the conversation, lots of lights went on. He was not only put on the potential list. I pretty much felt he could be the one. quote: For real though, I can't imagine that these would be the ONLY reasons you would marry someone. They should be the foundation.....absolutely. But there could be other deal breakers too. For me there is the Absolutely must haves (the "no brainers)" And the absolutely no ways. This list is really "no brainers" too. Never been to jail, Isn't wanted in any state[8D], Has to be able to hold a job, no sexual addiction, politically conservative, etc... Everything else I am leaving to God....He did a great job choosing last time. quote: But do I need someone who shares my interests or do I just need someone with a healthy curiosity about many things? At this point in my life, I see myself developing new interests with someone rather than finding someone who shares my interests. Does that make sense at all? But I can also see that I'd get along with someone who had his own particular interests that he pursued and allowed me to pursue mine and we both came together to talk about them but didn't require the other to participate. I think flexibility like that is the kind of thing we need to develop in negotiable areas. My thoughts precisely. Settling, (though I don't really like the word), is what we christians do when we realize that God's plan is not our plan and God's ways are not our ways and we give in to His will, because we trust Him and we know that ultimately, it is best for us. We do this in every area of our lives, relationships are really no different. Like that saying, "Life is what happens while we are making plans."

sharonjef2007 -> RE: When To Settle - Article from Boundless.org (4/28/2008 7:06:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: benelchi quote: ORIGINAL: EricPR239 Settle? I settled... with God. Long time ago. What does it mean "settle"? That you are not in order unless you are with another human being as a romantic partner? The decision to "settle" has nothing to do with marrying. Marrying is not a "settling" but an event that unites two souls that love each other. It is true that some people tend to get mature when they marry but it does not mean that people who do not marry are in disorder and scrambled. This "settling" stuff related to marriage derives from society-based generalizations which, most of the time, make no logical sense. Neither he article on Boundless nor anyone here on this thread has advocated the idea that being single means something is "not in order", and the "setting" advocated by the Boundless article has nothing to do with "society-based generalizations"; it stands in complete opposition to them. Did you read the article? Agreed. While the article and many others on boundless have definate "pro-marriage" tones.....it should have them. Boundless is a spin off ministry of Focus on the Family which is a huge marriage and family advocacy organization. Do I agree with every word of the article....nope. But, I'm also a bit opinionated about stuff like this.

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