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Dakotasunbeam -> A Singular Preoccupation (4/23/2008 1:19:02 AM)

Are we preoccupied with being single?

Have we bought into an ideology that says having a "special someone" brings personal worth?

How do you as an unmarried individual gaurd your thought-life?

Is one's desire to marry principally social/cultural, sexual, or emotional?

Whether you are looking or not looking or just waiting for God to drop that special someone into your lap, what verses have been of particular encouragement for you?

I ask these questions, because I have always had an irksome belief that church culture (which at times can be a little too family focused), puts too great an emphasis on being married. There was a period, when I was in college that I really didn't attend church, and I can say singleness never crossed my mind. I faithfully served God, fellowshipped with believers, etc., but did not know of this drive toward the alter until I really got involved in church. Could it be that the world views singleness a little different? While I know most of the world's views are skewwed in regards to morals, is it possible in an attempt to combat promiscuity we've gone too far in the other direction? Is it possible we've made things a little too desperate when a single man feels he HAS to find a female companion just to appease the church-going masses. Is it really fair of us to tell someone they are depriving some man/woman of a spouse because they've chosen to remain unmarried?



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: A Singular Preoccupation (4/23/2008 2:02:30 AM)

I can only answer for myself (versus "we) . . .

No, I am most definitely not preoccupied with being single.

No, I have not bought into the ideology of having a special someone brings personal worth.

I'm presuming by "thought-life" you are talking of sexual natures.
If that's the case, it's not difficult for me to guard my thought life. Purity of mind has been such an ever present prayer in my life for going on 2 decades, that it's 2nd nature with me. For the times that I do goof it up, I give it to our Lord, ask for His Forgiveness, ask that He clean my mind and heart and then i go on with my life. If we listen to Our Lord's Holy Spirit, He will definitely guide us in the direction we are to go.

For me, I cannot claim to be living a pure life if my mind and heart isn't.

As to the last question, if you are asking this personally of posters, then it's a moot question for me, as I do not necessarily have a desire to marry. IF a very specific someone comes along then I would re-evaluate based on the specific person.

I'm sure many people marry principally because of societal / cultural expectations.

Marrying somebody with the focus of being able to have sex? Marrying someone with the focus of having one's emotional needs taken care of? Both sound very selfish to me. They're both benefits of marriage, but shouldn't be the driving force for a marriage.

Marriage isn't a fairy-tale where everyone lives happily ever after and nothing ever goes wrong. It's a serious commitment that it takes work and that should be entered into with respect. For me, it should also be borne out of love; and love is also a commitment; a choice. Love isn't always fluffy feel-goods and butterflies. TRUE Love is rooted in spiritual and emotional maturity; and will stand the test of time - even long after the romanticized aspect of it starts to fade.


One of most favorite Scriptures that has taken me through many things:
"Be strong and of good courage. Do not be afraid or dismayed, for God is with you wherever you go."
Joshua 1:9


As to the rest of your questions, I've never really particularly cared what people have thought of me. And yes, I do think that people, collectively, need to mind their own business when it comes to whether someone is married or not (actually people need to learn to mind their own business in myriad situations; not just regarding how quickly they can hook singles up to get married).




And it is now past 2am, and I think it's time I go to bed and get some sleep.


Blessings,
Sharon-Marie



rgod -> RE: A Singular Preoccupation (4/23/2008 3:21:32 AM)

quote:

Are we preoccupied with being single? Have we bought into an ideology that says having a "special someone" brings personal worth?


At different times in my life, being unmarried has been a preoccupation. Right around the 30-year mark (from ages 29 - 31 or 32) I was on "melt-down" mode. A lot of friends were getting married, I was alone and I really, really, really, really, really wanted to be married. No one approached me during that time of course :) Desperation shows. I felt like I was a failure because I was single, I hadn't dated, hadn't been in relationships. It was strange - one one hand I prayed and asked God not to send me a husband until he felt that I was ready, but on the other hand, I felt badly because I didn't get any male attention - so I felt ugly, rejected, and angry at God.

quote:

How do you as an unmarried individual gaurd your thought-life?


I try to avoid looking at certain shows and movies. If I find myself dwelling on something that I shouldn't, I try to nip those thoughts in the bud and switch tracks. It can be very difficult at times.

quote:

Is one's desire to marry principally social/cultural, sexual, or emotional? I ask these questions, because I have always had an irksome belief that church culture (which at times can be a little too family focused), puts too great an emphasis on being married.


I think it depends on the congregation. I am African-American and the latest figures state that currently about 40% of all black women are not married (I think that the number for white women, incidentally is something like 20% and for white men it is about 27%. Source -- Washington Post: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/03/25/AR2006032500029.html) I've generally attended black and mixed congregational churches where the percentage of married people was much higher (probably because most of the people were middle class and usually met in college), but it was still accepted - particularly in the black church - that many black women would remain single. The message to singles thus, is often - "You are a whole person. Embrace your singleness." And because there weren't a lot of eligible men in the church no one really bugged us about it. I had a few people who treated me as less than married people, but for the most part, it was ok. But I know of other congregations where marriage and family is the emphasis and people are made to feel like lepers because they aren't married. I don't think that either extreme (no emphasis on marriage - overemphasis on marriage) is good, but that the best approach lies somewhere in-between.

quote:

Could it be that the world views singleness a little different? While I know most of the world's views are skewwed in regards to morals, is it possible in an attempt to combat promiscuity we've gone too far in the other direction?


I think that it is still emphasized in the general culture as well - but that the age of first marriage is higher. Today, no one bats an eye if a person is single and in their 30s - because after all, the 30s are the new 20s (or something like that, with the extended adolescent phase). But at 40, it is still viewed as odd (unless, of course you're divorced). I think part of that is also because premarital sex is so accepted ... a virgin at 25 is considered abnormal. People are expected to have premarital sex, live together, "experiment" until they find someone and get married.

I personally don't think that most churches have gone too far in the other direction - I think that the emphasis on marriage is really important and probably was the way things used to be. The society changed ... but the church didn't in this respect. I think it is good that the church affirms and supports marriage. But, I think it should also affirm and embrace singles as well.

quote:

Is it really fair of us to tell someone they are depriving some man/woman of a spouse because they've chosen to remain unmarried?


I don't think this is fair. One of my criticisms of the protestant church is that there is not really a place for people who have the gift of singleness. (I am protestant by the way.) There isn't really an equivalent of a nunnery or monestary. There isn't always the understanding that people might have seasons of singleness of that men might be listening for the Lord concerning a wife. But once the Lord lets a man know that it is time to look for a wife, I think it is biblical that he should be proactive. One thing that I've noticed is that when I travel to other countries, for the most part, the Christian men are a lot more forward than the Christian men here. If they are looking for a wife, they just go for it. They don't seem to be as cautious or as afraid of rejection in quite the same way that many (but not all) American Christian men are. This is just my experience, so it might be skewed, but if it turns out to be true, I wonder why that is - or if I'm seeing the situation correctly?

quote:

What verses have been of particular encouragement for you?

Prov 3:5-6.

rgod



jlp1 -> RE: A Singular Preoccupation (4/23/2008 10:41:32 AM)

quote:

Is one's desire to marry principally social/cultural, sexual, or emotional?


For me yes, companionship; sexual and emotional, social and cultural, no. Theres is no pressure, only the pressure of my own thoughts. You don't have to get married if you don't want. I really don't care what anyone thinks only God, if they feel I should be married or not it doesn't matter and I don't allow people to put pressure on me. I express myself and the pressure goes away, I deal with matters on an individual base, no matter race, gender, religion, ect.


quote:

How do you as an unmarried individual guard your thought-life?


quote:

I try to avoid looking at certain shows and movies. If I find myself dwelling on something that I shouldn't, I try to nip those thoughts in the bud and switch tracks. It can be very difficult at times.

agree.



kj88il -> RE: A Singular Preoccupation (4/23/2008 1:23:35 PM)

for me, age seems to be playing a large part in my yearning to NOT be single any longer. i am closing in on 42, and have spent the better part of my adult life married. i have been completely alone - no husband, kids gone - for almost 4 yrs now...and the longer it goes on, the more i hate it.

i am a truly independent person (from birth...i'm an only child), but i have been surprised to find myself longing more and more for a partner again as each year passes. 10-15 yrs ago, i would've washed my own mouth out for saying this, but i now believe God wants me to share my life with...and grow old with...the man He has in mind for me.

i don't have anyone pushing me to remarry...i wouldn't care if they did. i'm not the type to get weighed-down by other's opionions. it's just what's in my heart. and i don't feel i'm not good enough without a husband...but i know i am a better, happier, more complete me when i have someone to love and care for...and when i feel loved and cared for.

and yes....having been married...there are times when i dearly miss the physical intimacy of a marriage. sometimes i just turn off the TV, sometimes i call my gf to vent, and sometimes i just cry. [sm=crazy.gif]



shemaromans -> RE: A Singular Preoccupation (4/23/2008 4:02:45 PM)

quote:

Are we preoccupied with being single?
I'm not.


quote:

Have we bought into an ideology that says having a "special someone" brings personal worth?
I haven't. Jesus loves me whether I'm single or married. That's where I obtain my worth. I'm worth nothing without his blood.


quote:

How do you as an unmarried individual gaurd your thought-life?

Tons of prayer, reading the Bible, accountability, and the nudgings of the Holy Spirit.


quote:

Is one's desire to marry principally social/cultural, sexual, or emotional?

I think this varies from person to person.


quote:

Whether you are looking or not looking or just waiting for God to drop that special someone into your lap, what verses have been of particular encouragement for you?

With particular regard to your questions about others' perceptions of singleness:

Galatians 1:9-11

The verse is a little out of context concerning this thread, but it reminds me of whom I should strive to please. Whenever I hear comments from people about my singlehood, a paraphrase of verse 10 pops into my mind. It helps me to not care about what others think. I'm single now because God's had some work to do to prepare me for my husband. When the time's right, I'll be married. Until then, and even afterwards, God comes first.

The opinions of church people who can't or don't want to realize that don't matter. They have their own planks to chip away at, and I have mine.



Prairiehiker -> RE: A Singular Preoccupation (4/23/2008 5:12:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dakotasunbeam

Are we preoccupied with being single?


In this forum, I think it's almost equal. There's some that are preoccupied with their single state, me included, and there's some that are not, and they hardly come in this forum. I guess, it would depend in what stage of life we're in. I haven't thought about being single much until recently (the last year or so) as I'm nearing 40 and I'm feeling the loneliness of being alone. It's not even an age thing but it's feeling a deep desire to know and be known fully by someone. It's the desire to have someone to share my life with, which I never had before. Perhaps, it's even God's way of stirring in my heart His call for me to be married.

quote:

Have we bought into an ideology that says having a "special someone" brings personal worth?

Huh? I don't know anyone who associate being married to personal worth. Maybe in highschool, kids think that way, lol. It means you're cool if someone likes you. But as one matures, it really boils down to a deep personal need. When I meet someone who is single and is already up there in age, I usually admire them for not having any need for anyone.

quote:

How do you as an unmarried individual gaurd your thought-life?

I guard it against by reading the bible, listening to a lot of lessons from preachers that I admire, I stay away from current "church" culture, and I stay away from churchianity from any sort. OFten times, we are bred in a church culture that teaches us how to act, or what to say, and what to think and we don't examine what we learn. Those are dangerous. I mean, how many of us hears something from a church group and starts repeating to everyone when we really have no clue if there's any biblical truth to it or not. Example: That God has only one spouse for everyone and it will come at an appointed time. I mean, where did we get this idea? And we only apply this type of thinking to finding a spouse. If we think that way about GOd, why do we not think that God would work this way in every miniscule detail of our lives? Do we ever not think that this might not be how God works? I'm a firm believer in Godly wisdom and discernment.

quote:

Is one's desire to marry principally social/cultural, sexual, or emotional?

I can't speak for everyone, but for me, it's more emotional and sexual. It's the deep desire to share every aspect of my life with someone. While I was happy before to experience and enjoy any activities as a single person, now I'm finding myself feeling lonely when I do something by myself. Last year, I had a chance to climb one of my fav mountain. I had to do it alone, as I have no friends who are into it. I thought, what would make it more amazing was to have someone to do it with, and be excited about it. The same for every day of my life. It would just make my life more colorful to have someone to share it with. And of course, my sexual frustration would end, LOL!


One observation I have though is that there is growing community pressure from this forum for single not to desire to be married even when the desire is clearly there. It's almost a sin to have this desire, and that can't be healthy.



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: A Singular Preoccupation (4/23/2008 5:36:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker

One observation I have though is that there is growing community pressure from this forum for single not to desire to be married even when the desire is clearly there. It's almost a sin to have this desire, and that can't be healthy.
As someone who truly is not looking (nor waiting), I can honestly say that what anyone else wants for their life is fine and dandy with me. I don't question whether someone has a desire to be married or not; it's really none of my business.

However, I do know my own life, and I speak from my own circumstances. When I say that I'm not looking nor waiting, it doesn't have any hidden meaning or agenda, nor does it mean that I think that everyone else ought to feel the same way. It means what it says . . . that I am not looking nor waiting.

And whether that's a popular opinion or not shouldn't really be a concern to me (and it's not). I said earlier in another thread today that I do not take it personally when people talk about wanting to be married, and I dont' understand why some people do seem to take it personally that I don't share the same views.

Now . . . I am not saying that you are taking it personally; in fact, I'm not signaling anyone out; but there are definitely people who do most certainly take it personally. That, I find, is quite puzzling.



Prairiehiker -> RE: A Singular Preoccupation (4/23/2008 6:00:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BloominPhariseeWoman

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker

One observation I have though is that there is growing community pressure from this forum for single not to desire to be married even when the desire is clearly there. It's almost a sin to have this desire, and that can't be healthy.
As someone who truly is not looking (nor waiting), I can honestly say that what anyone else wants for their life is fine and dandy with me. I don't question whether someone has a desire to be married or not; it's really none of my business.

However, I do know my own life, and I speak from my own circumstances. When I say that I'm not looking nor waiting, it doesn't have any hidden meaning or agenda, nor does it mean that I think that everyone else ought to feel the same way. It means what it says . . . that I am not looking nor waiting.

And whether that's a popular opinion or not shouldn't really be a concern to me (and it's not). I said earlier in another thread today that I do not take it personally when people talk about wanting to be married, and I dont' understand why some people do seem to take it personally that I don't share the same views.

Now . . . I am not saying that you are taking it personally; in fact, I'm not signaling anyone out; but there are definitely people who do most certainly take it personally. That, I find, is quite puzzling.

quote:

clearly there. It's almost a sin to have this desire, and that can't be healthy.


Ummm...I'm not sure where this came from? Did you feel I singling you out? I'm not sure I ever even read any of your posts?



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: A Singular Preoccupation (4/23/2008 6:06:35 PM)

No, I didn't feel you were signaling me out . . . I was simply participating in the conversation. I was replying to something you said.

Why? Was I not supposed to?



Dakotasunbeam -> RE: A Singular Preoccupation (4/23/2008 8:58:45 PM)

Whiteroseblessing,


quote:

I'm presuming by "thought-life" you are talking of sexual natures.

I'm sorry, my question was unclear. I didn't mean "thought-life" of a sexual nature, but rather, how you think about being single and marriage. Do you feel there is a need to guard against ideas that might not be healthy and how do you do it? Sorry, I wouldn't want to pry into other areas. [8D]

I really like your post. It sounds to me like you've got a very healthy outlook! You know what you want and you're comfortable with yourself! I think that is so key!

quote:

Marriage isn't a fairy-tale where everyone lives happily ever after and nothing ever goes wrong. It's a serious commitment that it takes work and that should be entered into with respect. For me, it should also be borne out of love; and love is also a commitment; a choice. Love isn't always fluffy feel-goods and butterflies. TRUE Love is rooted in spiritual and emotional maturity; and will stand the test of time - even long after the romanticized aspect of it starts to fade.


very good stuff! [sm=thumbsup.gif]

P.S. I read a couple of other threads and noticed your comments--I hope you keep posting in "Singles" your are thoughtful!



Dakotasunbeam -> RE: A Singular Preoccupation (4/23/2008 9:06:50 PM)

rgod,

Extremely insightful post! Question, do you think the time when you really wanted to get married it was because your friends were getting married? Maybe that was what was on your mind most?

I don't think there is anything wrong with considering marriage, planning for it and even seeking, but could it be possible some situations, churches cultures, etc. could cause us to be "preoccupied" with it?

quote:

One thing that I've noticed is that when I travel to other countries, for the most part, the Christian men are a lot more forward than the Christian men here. If they are looking for a wife, they just go for it. They don't seem to be as cautious or as afraid of rejection in quite the same way that many (but not all) American Christian men are.
Why do you think this is so? I don't know that men from different countries are as preoccupied with getting married, as american men . . . do you think that perhaps they think less about it, but when they are interested they just act.

Maybe we've overspiritualized getting married, so that doing it becomes nebulous. So that we are all waiting on a "word" from God--when maybe, He's already given His word on it.



Dakotasunbeam -> RE: A Singular Preoccupation (4/23/2008 9:08:48 PM)

jlp1, I really like your post. It's concise, unvarnished and brilliantly live-and-let-live! Thanks for posting it! [:D]
quote:

ORIGINAL: jlp1

quote:

Is one's desire to marry principally social/cultural, sexual, or emotional?


For me yes, companionship; sexual and emotional, social and cultural, no. Theres is no pressure, only the pressure of my own thoughts. You don't have to get married if you don't want. I really don't care what anyone thinks only God, if they feel I should be married or not it doesn't matter and I don't allow people to put pressure on me. I express myself and the pressure goes away, I deal with matters on an individual base, no matter race, gender, religion, ect.


quote:

How do you as an unmarried individual guard your thought-life?


quote:

I try to avoid looking at certain shows and movies. If I find myself dwelling on something that I shouldn't, I try to nip those thoughts in the bud and switch tracks. It can be very difficult at times.

agree.



Dakotasunbeam -> RE: A Singular Preoccupation (4/23/2008 9:13:04 PM)

kj88il,

quote:

10-15 yrs ago, i would've washed my own mouth out for saying this, but i now believe God wants me to share my life with...and grow old with...the man He has in mind for me.
Why? Did you feel it was wrong to want a spouse?

Sometimes I see it go both ways. It seems that some church cultures can be so bent on getting singles married, that singles sort of respond defensively by seeking to be VERY independent and foreswearing marriage. I'd love to see a little more balance all around.

quote:

and i don't feel i'm not good enough without a husband...but i know i am a better, happier, more complete me when i have someone to love and care for...and when i feel loved and cared for.
Is this a paradox? [:)]



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: A Singular Preoccupation (4/23/2008 9:17:22 PM)

Thank you very much, DakotaSunbeam!


quote:

ORIGINAL: Dakotasunbeam

quote:

I'm presuming by "thought-life" you are talking of sexual natures.

I'm sorry, my question was unclear. I didn't mean "thought-life" of a sexual nature, but rather, how you think about being single and marriage. Do you feel there is a need to guard against ideas that might not be healthy and how do you do it? Sorry, I wouldn't want to pry into other areas. [8D]
OH! LOL; I was way off on that one. [:D]

As to what you really meant, yes, I do believe that there are people who have unhealthy and/or unrealistic views of how both - singlehood and marriage - are, and what they should entail. I'll leave it at that for now so as to not write an epistle on the topic.




And btw, anyone is free to call me by handle, if that is what they are comfortable with. Additionally, anyone is also welcomed to call me either
Sharon-Marie or SharMar.

[sm=redhairsmile.gif]



Dakotasunbeam -> RE: A Singular Preoccupation (4/23/2008 9:19:03 PM)

quote:

The opinions of church people who can't or don't want to realize that don't matter. They have their own planks to chip away at, and I have mine.

Shemaromans,

GREAT post! And that was an excellent verse Gal 1:9-11. Yeah, the verse is kinda out of place, but I figured a thread about being preoccupied should include a verse to re-occupy(?) ones self.

You sound very confident about who you are in Christ, and that's an excellent thing. How do other singles reach out to each other? Because, I'm thinking, surely, there are singles who feel the pressure and are not sure how to deal with it.



John_O -> RE: A Singular Preoccupation (4/23/2008 9:23:37 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dakotasunbeam

Are we preoccupied with being single?


No. I'm preoccupied with being a good daddy and taking up the slack. I don't count myself so much "single" as "waiting for my new wife to arrive". That is, inside I still think of myself as married. I just don't have a wife.

quote:

Have we bought into an ideology that says having a "special someone" brings personal worth?


The whole concept of "personal worth" is foreign to me. How much can you buy a person for? They are either priceless or worth nothing. I lean towards priceless. And since you can't buy any one of them, we are all equally priceless. Worth is a comparison against others. I don't compare myself to others so I have no worth. But Jesus died for me, so I am priceless.

quote:

How do you as an unmarried individual guard your thought-life?


It's important for me to avoid not just the places/thoughts I need to avoid, but to avoid the places and thoughts that lead to those places. It serves me no good to fantasize about my future marriage (in any fashion) as that just makes me dissatisfied with life now. Or I should say more dissatisfied. The bible tells us to think on those things that are good.

quote:

Is one's desire to marry principally social/cultural, sexual, or emotional?


My desire to marry is because I am much better for everyone around me married than I am single. God worked hard to make me a good husband. It's an awful waste to not be putting those skills to work.
I go into this in greater depth HERE. (Shamless link to one of my threads)

quote:

Whether you are looking or not looking or just waiting for God to drop that special someone into your lap, what verses have been of particular encouragement for you?


Jer 29:11 and Psm 46:10

quote:

Is it possible we've made things a little too desperate when a single man feels he HAS to find a female companion just to appease the church-going masses.


Not to mention the pain and agony of those failed marriages when a man (or woman) who didn't really want to be married in the first place is pressured into it. I know a woman who got engaged to the man who would be her first husband and then decided she didn't really want to marry him at all. Well teh rest of teh family (who didn't really care for him either) tried so hard to support her in her marriage that she thought everyone wanted her to marry im. Big mistake. The only redeeming virtue of those years was their daughter.

quote:

Is it really fair of us to tell someone they are depriving some man/woman of a spouse because they've chosen to remain unmarried?


God is going to bring me a new wife. She won't be in chains, or tied down with guilt at depriving me of a wife. She'll be running to the marriage with joy and anticipation. Whole heartedly seeking to be one with me and live long lives together. Anything else would just be wrong. Why marry someone who doesn't want to marry you?



Dakotasunbeam -> RE: A Singular Preoccupation (4/23/2008 9:27:39 PM)

Prairiehiker,

quote:

I guard it against by reading the bible, listening to a lot of lessons from preachers that I admire, I stay away from current "church" culture, and I stay away from churchianity from any sort. OFten times, we are bred in a church culture that teaches us how to act, or what to say, and what to think and we don't examine what we learn. Those are dangerous. I mean, how many of us hears something from a church group and starts repeating to everyone when we really have no clue if there's any biblical truth to it or not. Example: That God has only one spouse for everyone and it will come at an appointed time. I mean, where did we get this idea? And we only apply this type of thinking to finding a spouse. If we think that way about GOd, why do we not think that God would work this way in every miniscule detail of our lives? Do we ever not think that this might not be how God works? I'm a firm believer in Godly wisdom and discernment.

Spot on! I think you're right, sometimes we just get these ideas and run with them, without investigating the truth of it. Maybe the preocupation with singleness comes from such? I think it goes back to what rgod was saying about men from different countries being a little more aggressive. Maybe they just see getting a wife as a choice, "I want a wife, she seems nice, let's go!" LOL.

I totally agree about discernment. I don't make any quick judgements about anyone. Usually, I need to talk with them for a while period, see some of their fruit, and I will be able to make a pretty good decision. I have a pretty sharp sense for this, though, I once saw an individual and after only a few seconds chatting with that individual I KNEW they were a christian. It was something in their eyes. And I was right, their life has been bearing fruit ever since. Maybe we Christians need to get more accute in the discernment area. Plus, we'd probably be a little more wary about taking the first thing we hear in Sunday School and running with it.

Thanks for the post, good thoughts![sm=thumbsup.gif]



Dakotasunbeam -> RE: A Singular Preoccupation (4/23/2008 9:29:00 PM)

quote:

And btw, anyone is free to call me by handle, if that is what they are comfortable with. Additionally, anyone is also welcomed to call me either
Sharon-Marie or SharMar.
Will do, Sharon-Marie! [:)] [sm=wave.gif]



Dakotasunbeam -> RE: A Singular Preoccupation (4/23/2008 9:37:53 PM)

John_O,

All good thoughts! I thought this was really interesting:


quote:

I don't count myself so much "single" as "waiting for my new wife to arrive".

Maybe that is the way "singles" should see themselves as, not being singles. I mean, the whole idea sort of makes you think of marriage. It literally defines you in terms of your marital status or the fact that you have no one physically there with you. Defining ones self, I think, in terms of Christ is really critical to a healthy outlook.

I love Jeremiah 29:11 and Psalms 46:10. Sometimes in life, I just whisper that to myself when I need encouragement. It makes me feel as though God is standing right behind me saying, "I'm here."

Good stuff, John_O [sm=thumbsup.gif]



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: A Singular Preoccupation (4/23/2008 9:42:19 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dakotasunbeam

Maybe that is the way "singles" should see themselves as, not being singles. I mean, the whole idea sort of makes you think of marriage. It literally defines you in terms of your marital status or the fact that you have no one physically there with you.
This made me think of when I go to a restaurant. The host(ess) sometimes will look at me and say, "Just one?" It's not what they say, it's the tone they use. Sometimes, depending on how pitiful they make it sound, I will smile and say, "No. One, please."





quote:

ORIGINAL: Dakotasunbeam

Defining ones self, I think, in terms of Christ is really critical to a healthy outlook.
Very most definitely.



Dakotasunbeam -> RE: A Singular Preoccupation (4/23/2008 9:53:31 PM)

Are we preoccupied with being single?
Sometimes, I think so. I think there's a need not only to be accepted among church culture as a card carrying married person, but also to prove to ones self that we are wanted, loved, special and not alone.

Have we bought into an ideology that says having a "special someone" brings personal worth?
In some conversations I've had with single christian women, this seems to be the case. And at times, it is the unspoken idea visible in the eyes of christian men.

How do you as an unmarried individual gaurd your thought-life?
Yes, I do. I think its important to see my life as belonging to God and that marriage is an extention of it, or rather an addition. I feel one can actively pursue getting married and not be overwhelmed and preoccupied by it. I think its the idea tha Paul communicated to the church--that we should let nothing have mastery over us, except Christ, of course.

Is one's desire to marry principally social/cultural, sexual, or emotional?
At one point I think mine was more socially. But now, I actually want a spouse for what I believe are all of the right reasons. I sort of looked up why God gave Adam a spouse and various other little verses. It helped me to get a better understanding of why one gets a spouse. It's not really all that spiritual, I've found. And just knowing that has become a great comfort to me. I will definately use discernment, as Prairiehiker mentioned in her post, but there is some comfort in knowing, God does allow me to have a will and exercise it in this case.

Whether you are looking or not looking or just waiting for God to drop that special someone into your lap, what verses have been of particular encouragement for you?


This verse combined with 1 Cor 13:1-8 helps to remind not to love an easy love . . . but the real sort, that challenges me:
And this commandment we have from Him: that he who loves God must love his brother also. --1 John 4:21



Dakotasunbeam -> RE: A Singular Preoccupation (4/23/2008 10:45:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiteRoseBlessings

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dakotasunbeam

Maybe that is the way "singles" should see themselves as, not being singles. I mean, the whole idea sort of makes you think of marriage. It literally defines you in terms of your marital status or the fact that you have no one physically there with you.
This made me think of when I go to a restaurant. The host(ess) sometimes will look at me and say, "Just one?" It's not what they say, it's the tone they use. Sometimes, depending on how pitiful they make it sound, I will smile and say, "No. One, please."





quote:

ORIGINAL: Dakotasunbeam

Defining ones self, I think, in terms of Christ is really critical to a healthy outlook.
Very most definitely.

[:D][:D][:D]



shemaromans -> RE: A Singular Preoccupation (4/23/2008 11:02:24 PM)

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ORIGINAL: Dakotasunbeam

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The opinions of church people who can't or don't want to realize that don't matter. They have their own planks to chip away at, and I have mine.

Shemaromans,

GREAT post! And that was an excellent verse Gal 1:9-11. Yeah, the verse is kinda out of place, but I figured a thread about being preoccupied should include a verse to re-occupy(?) ones self.

You sound very confident about who you are in Christ, and that's an excellent thing. How do other singles reach out to each other? Because, I'm thinking, surely, there are singles who feel the pressure and are not sure how to deal with it.

Thank you, Dakota, twice.

Good question. Upon first thought, there appears to a two-fold answer. First, we should encourage each other to stay focused on the grace that we've received. When we remember that, we'll more easily stay focused on God and His will. Second, we should be realistic and compassionate. We're all going to struggle in our own ways, and it's okay to talk about it. We should talk about it, and we should validate each other's feelings even if we can't relate. At the same time, we should lovingly rebuke each other if we become obsessive or start having pity parties or lose our focus.

Quick thinking. Quick answer. Not sure if that says what I'm really mean. I'll need to think about this more...



rgod -> RE: A Singular Preoccupation (4/24/2008 4:48:25 AM)

quote:

Extremely insightful post! Question, do you think the time when you really wanted to get married it was because your friends were getting married? Maybe that was what was on your mind most? I don't think there is anything wrong with considering marriage, planning for it and even seeking, but could it be possible some situations, churches cultures, etc. could cause us to be "preoccupied" with it?


I think that it was a combination of a couple of things. Part of it was the desire for physical and emotional intimacy. Part of it was because some friends were getting married (although my closest friends were single). Part of it was wanting to be normal - fit in with society - prove I was normal. Also, I think I wanted to move forward in some part of my life ... and I felt that marriage was the next step. Now, I feel differently - I know that marriage isn't moving forward - it is just moving differently. We push forward in Christ whether we are single or married. Once I started "getting a life" - doing things, conquering fears, etc., I was no longer desperate to be married. Now I still desire it, but the longing is different. It isn't so much a running away from something (loneliness, purposelessness, etc.) but a walking towards something (partnership, emotional intimacy, being a support, and most importantly God's will for our lives).

In a lot of the churches that I have been to, marriage hasn't been emphasized, but in every single church that I've gone to, children are. So much is geared towards kids that if you don't have any, there is a constant reminder that you don't fit in. And because children and marriage goes hand in hand ... well I can see how that can cause preoccupation. Ironically, I feel more preoccupied and depressed if I listen to the "singles" programs on Christian radio than at any other time - especially the family shows. They can often make Christian singles feel like so abnormal.

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One thing that I've noticed is that when I travel to other countries, for the most part, the Christian men are a lot more forward than the Christian men here. If they are looking for a wife, they just go for it. They don't seem to be as cautious or as afraid of rejection in quite the same way that many (but not all) American Christian men are.


Why do you think this is so? I don't know that men from different countries are as preoccupied with getting married, as american men . . . do you think that perhaps they think less about it, but when they are interested they just act.

Maybe we've overspiritualized getting married, so that doing it becomes nebulous. So that we are all waiting on a "word" from God--when maybe, He's already given His word on it.


Hmmm ... interesting thought about preoccupation. Maybe so? I do think that in general, many men from other parts of the world (depending on where they are from and he cultural norms) aren't as afraid of the consequences of being more aggressive. I don't want to overgeneralize because of course there are many different cultures and beyond that people are individuals. But in the US, a man might be labeled a stalker if he keeps calling or visiting, for example. I think too that there is an expectation now that women will be more aggressive - which kind of by default, pushes men into a more passive role. I'm also not sure if there are many societies in the world that really embrace the concept of soulmate - the "right" one for you on physical, spiritual, and emotional levels quite the same way that we do. We want the person who "completes" us - even if we are whole to begin with. So the quest isn't for someone who you'll be compatible with - but rather to find the "perfect" one for you. I'm not criticizing - I'm just trying to speculate on the difference. Coupled with the idea that something is wrong with being single - all of this could certainly lead to preoccupation.

Interesting thought - perhaps we are overspiritualizing marriage ... I don't know. It seems in the bible, like it was very much a contractual relationship in many cases although love definitely was there in others (or at least desire). I'd of course prefer to have all of the elements of it - the spiritual, physical, emotional aspects and a bit of romance thrown in too - but hmmm ... you raise an interesting question.

rgod



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