RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (Full Version)

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Beck34 -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (4/28/2008 2:53:55 PM)

There is one way to get full custody of that child. If a parent is mentally unstable and emotionally unavailable, that is grounds for custody removal. That is how my husband got full custody of my four step-children.
I know that can be hard to prove, but you can petition the court to grant you temporary custody pending psyciatric evaluation. If they feel that the mother cannot emotionally support her child, they will give you custody. Just an option to consider.



dradynsmom -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (4/28/2008 4:24:06 PM)

pbaribeault - really?!?!? I don't have to have signed papers or anything? I thought it would be more complicated than that. But also i bet if she knew she was being recorded she'd be aperfect angel[:@]!
Steph



Ellie-Mae -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (4/28/2008 4:34:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: dradynsmom

pbaribeault - really?!?!? I don't have to have signed papers or anything? I thought it would be more complicated than that. But also i bet if she knew she was being recorded she'd be aperfect angel[:@]!
Steph


But if she was a perfect angel, it would relieve your daughter of at least THAT negativity while she is in your home.



pbaribeault -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (4/28/2008 4:39:57 PM)

If you have a recording of her consenting to be recorded... that's pretty good proof that she consented! You could do it in person too (on your property) - just by saying what you are doing and making sure she feels free to either leave or be silent.

All the better if she behaves herself!



lilyofthefield -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (4/29/2008 11:14:18 AM)

Hi Steph. I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time with this. I don't know that I really have any great advise, but I wanted to encourage you. My dad re-married when I was 7. I have actually always been very close to my step-mom (even closer than to my mom really). I think the hardest part of your situation is your SD's age. It's hard to reason with a 5 year old. At this point in time I think the most important thing is for her father to make it clear that disrespecting you will not be tolerated. I don't remember my step-mom ever really disciplining me much - she seemed very sensitive to what I might be going through. However, if I did get disrepectful (which did occasionally happen in those fun teen years), she would let my dad know what happened and he would either discuss it with me or give me some form of discipline.

As far as what her mom is telling her - that is difficult b/c of the age too. My mom never encouraged me to be disrespectful to my step-mom, but she would tell me things that were really inappropriate (like I need to pray for them b/c they weren't married in the Catholic church and would go to Hell if they didn't remedy this - [8|]). Anyway, when you are very young, you just believe whatever your parent tells you. Again, the best thing is for her dad to continue to tell her the truth without disrepecting her mom. I think if you are a calm, loving, and stable person in her life - eventually she will see the error in what her mom is doing and gain respect for you.



ChoirDJ -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (4/29/2008 6:38:39 PM)

What do you tell her?

You are so right sweety...you don't have to listen to me when you are at your mom's house but the rules are different in our home. However, if you choose not to listen to me in our home the rules are there will be consequences.


So (YOU LITTLE BRAT), you could make whatever choices you want but you can't complain about the consequences if you make bad choices. (I'm just kidding about the little brat part of course).



dradynsmom -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (4/29/2008 7:16:02 PM)

Actually when she acts up and says she doesn't have to listen to me my hubby (or I if hubby isn't home) says "(Name), honey when you are at our house you have to listen to Stephanie. You have to behave and listen while you are up here or you will be punished. The rules are different here than they are at moms and when you misbehave that makes us sad. We like it when you are good and listen to what your told."

We refuse to punish her for saying that she doesn't have to listen because it is her mom talking not her. However she does get punished when she doesn't listen or back talks in other ways.

TO update her mom called yesterday and that my sd said that i was mean to her and put her in the corner. (She went home sunday) And yes i put her in the corner because she shoved her little brother (15mo) into his stroller and gave him a black eye. Unfortunatly dad wasn't home when it happened or when she called. So i got cussed out and when i explained why i put her in the corner her response was "Well YOUR brat must have deserved it" I mean seriously what do i say to that?!? And wasn't it HER idea to have the corner be the only puishment i am allowed to do? I just laughed when i got off the phone. Hopefully when my sd starts school we'll get custody. She was kicked out of head start cuz her mom always over slept and missed the bus or she had lice - thats been a big problem too. We just pray that things will work out the way GOd wants them. We'll just have to wait and see i guess. THank you all so much for this. ITs hard to talk to my hubby about all this cuz he's her dad and going through the same stuff and the rest of my family is non christians and when i talk to them about it they just want to go to her moms and hit her (the mom) so............... this is the perfect outlet for me. THank you so much for all your help and advice.
Steph



Ellie-Mae -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (4/29/2008 8:09:57 PM)

When she starts yelling at you on the phone, calmly tell her that you are not going to listen to her yell or talk disrespectfully so she needs to calm down and be respectful. If she doesn't, calmly hang up. You don't have let people treat you that way on the phone.

Furthermore, do not argue with her, defend yourself or go on other such merry-go-rounds with her. It only escalates the situation and it doesn't solve anything. You are not required to battle with her on the phone or even in person. If she is polite, then talk to her; otherwise, let your husband take care of it.

Now if I am wrong on this (it is possible), someone, please tell me as I would hate to give bad advice. But this is how I handle volatile phone calls in the family because nothing good ever comes of it. Plus you are inadvertantly teaching your sd that it is ok for people to treat HER in such an abusive manner because you are a role model... this will translate into her taking abuse because will think that it is normal. You want her to be able to stand up for herself with healthy boundaries and to be able to tell when someone has crossed a boundary that shouldn't have been crossed. She isn't going to learn that from her mother. She is going to learn that from her father's family... mainly from you.



buckifn -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (4/29/2008 9:03:32 PM)

next time she is ranting just lay the phone down for awhile and let her rant then go back later and hang it up..she will eventually get the message...or screen your calls altogether and let ALL her calls go to voice mail which means they will be recorded legally and automatically. Keep a record for the courts of all those calls...as well as keep a diary of every incident that you know is wrong to have when you request a custody hearing.

Remember YOU and your spouse set the guidelines for your house, NOT her.



Beck34 -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (4/30/2008 1:26:26 AM)

I am so sorry! I totally understand you frustration. My children's mother was the same way when I first met her. She found out ral quick that the last thing she needed t do was disrespect me, especially in front of our children.
When she starts to yell at you, calmly tell her to please lower her voce o you will hang up and not accepther calls. When she cusses you, calmly tell her that you will not tolerate that kind of language, and if she insists on continueing to use it, that you will hang up and not accept her calls.
If she yells at you in your home, tell herto lower hervoice or she can leave. Tell her the same thing about her foul language.
At this point, I dn't really see yo being able to reason with her so you have to set everything up on your terms because right now, shis in control of this situation.



Sadey -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (4/30/2008 9:05:23 AM)

Well I'm sitting here thinking "Its a good thing that little girl has one sane person in her life." That would be you dear[:)]



Beck34 -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (5/2/2008 1:01:18 AM)

I agree! That is the reason that I suggested the solution for custody be because of mental instability. It can't be good that the child sees her mother this way. It won't just affect her now, but it will affect her years down the road.



hotsaucygma -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (5/2/2008 2:58:51 PM)

It is really too bad that you have to go through this. I think the very best advice you have gotten is to record the conversations with her. You could start out conversations by not recording them, but if she starts saying something objectionable simply state that you are now going to turn on the recorder and record the rest of the conversation or hang up. You can probably purchase the recording equipment at a local electronics store and they are relatively simple to use.

Call your local police station and ask if you have questions about legalities of recording the conversations.



tombombadil -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (5/4/2008 7:03:14 AM)

There is not much you can do, since you are not the child's mother. You can try to say I know I am not your mother and I am not going to try to replace her but at least try to obey some of the rules of your father's. That is about all you can do since discipline and punishment are reserved for parents of children.



PrincessDonna -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (5/4/2008 8:07:13 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: tombombadil

There is not much you can do, since you are not the child's mother. You can try to say I know I am not your mother and I am not going to try to replace her but at least try to obey some of the rules of your father's. That is about all you can do since discipline and punishment are reserved for parents of children.


I disagree with this. As the female head of her home, she is well within her place to kindly demand respect and that certain house rules be followed. Yes, she and her husband need to be on the same page, but since she is left with her sd, she does have the right and responsibility to discipline her. She may not be blood related, but it sounds like she has been in this little girl's life a long time and should have at least as much voice in her life as a regular babysitter would...and a babysitter would expect rules to be followed, so why shouldn't a stepmom?



dradynsmom -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (5/4/2008 1:30:28 PM)

Thanks so much Donna. As I read tombombadi's post I was starting to feel very agitated. You were able to put it in much nicer words than I could have.

Tombombadi - I do agree with the fact that I have to make sure I tell her that I am not replacing her mother (which I do on a regular biases) BUT I totally disagree with the rest of your post. I have ever right to demand that every single house rule be followed, and they are just as much my rules as they are her fathers.

Sorry if this sounds crude it JMHO
Stephnie



Beck34 -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (5/5/2008 2:29:38 AM)

How dare someone say that she doesn't have the right to take care of this cild the way that she needs to. She obviously needs a stable influence in her life, and her mother doesn't seem to fit the bill. I am in a position where my step-childrens' mother is not involved alot in their lives. I am their mother in every way that counts! This woman may save this child from grief later on in life because she cared enough to keep her on the right track.
Babe, just hang in there! Alot of people are praying for you. God will see you through this situation, and you and your daughter will be better people because of it.



dradynsmom -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (5/5/2008 8:59:06 PM)

THanks beck and all you others who r encouraging me. You have no idea how much this thread is a Blessing to me.
Steph



dradynsmom -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (5/7/2008 4:42:24 PM)

I don't know what happened but we picked dsd up today at 11 and my hubby had to go at 2. Anyway she has been an ANGEL. no back talking no nothing. I no it seems a little early to be celebrating but she normally starts as soon as dear hubby leaves and sometimes even b4 that so praise GOd for at least 4 hours of peace!
Steph



Beck34 -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (5/8/2008 2:47:48 AM)

I understand that! My four step-children used to give me a hard time, but they have learned to pick their battles with me. It may be that she is finally accepting how much you cherish your time with her. I am praying for you!



PrincessDonna -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (5/8/2008 8:13:28 AM)

Hold onto those good days/hours! They are what gets me through the harder ones. I have hope that my ss and your sd will see, in time, how much we love them and want the best for them.



dradynsmom -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (5/8/2008 5:04:17 PM)

This whole trip has been great so far - i think my hubby being off nights is helping a lot. Things are going so well that she even volunteered to help set the table for dinner. SHe used to do this all the time but then quit thinking it was a JOB. This trip is making me remeber the good days.
THanks so much for your prayers and please keep sending them.
Steph



Rachel_79 -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (5/8/2008 6:25:46 PM)

i am a step-mother as well to a 6 year old boy. His mother also tells him horrible things about his father and me, we obviously try to address this with him right away. The other thing I always try to do is spend time with him one on one, I take him to the park or play games with him so that he knows me and feels confident and safe with me. My husband told me from the beginning, "it's your responsibility to define your relationship with him, b/c your are the adult and he is the child" that was when he was 3. I have tried to do this with him, but being a step-parent is REALLY hard, I cry a lot about it b/c I feel like I get all of the bad w/o any of the "good" (no free hugs, no snuggles, no "I love you too") But for the most part he is confident with me and knows when I am serious and when we can be silly. I also bought several books about helping children cope with divorce, one of them "SandCastles" is really good. Get your husband to read it with you so your both on the same page about how to handle situations.



buckifn -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (5/8/2008 8:26:23 PM)

quote:

That is about all you can do since discipline and punishment are reserved for parents of children.


If that is the case I hope you plan on keeping your child in your own house for the next 20 years. School teachers, bus drivers, police officer's, SS teacher's, day care providor's and anyone else with authority over children would not agree with your assessment.



Beck34 -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (5/12/2008 9:20:29 AM)

I think that her seeing the dynamic between you and your husband has made the differance. She may see the love between the two of you, and she may have come to understand that you are here to stay. I am so glad that tings are ging so well. Further proof that God answers prayers. I will continue to pray for you.



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